Exporting people and places into RL

I went to Spain for two weeks and met two lovers, a Flickr friend, and an MBA classmate and his wife. I wouldn't go into detail about the trip itself, because I have a separate travel blog for that. But I will talk about the trip's relevance to SL.

First, the two lovers. They were my lovers in SL years ago. Then they became busy. One explicitly set boundaries that we are only friends in RL, but the evening I spent with him in real life was absolutely magical and he treated me like a close friend. The other had claimed me in both SL and RL, but we spent maybe only a couple of hours together; he was busy with work and family and I was busy with sightseeing. But those two hours are memorable even.

Maybe I've been lucky. That trip brings the number of SL lovers that I met in RL up to 4. Each of those lovers are just as I imagined them. Their personalities were the same in RL as in SL, although two of them held back romantic gestures because of their marital circumstances.

Or maybe it's because these lovers are among the most important to me throughout my life in SL; therefore, meeting them in real life only deepened the connection we have.

After saying goodbye to each of them after meeting them, I cried. Because these are men I love and I may never see them again.

Second, the Flickr friend. She was really more like an acquaintance. In fact, I had originally avoided her, because I had felt a jealousy for her because of another lover. But she started following me in Flickr and commenting on my images there. Then she found me in another social media and connected with me, revealing her RL identity.

When we met up in Barcelona, we spent the afternoon at a children's park, going on the rides and shooting photos and talking and talking and talking until it was very late. It was amazingly easy to talk to her. In the end, I admitted my old jealousy and the reason for it. It was something I would not wish to hide when building a friendship. But I regretted it a little when she started feeling sad and nostalgic as our conversation flowed into past loves and betrayals.

Third, the sights. Not all the sights but specifically La Rambla, the Columbus monument, and the Plaza Reial, which were replicated in the Barcelona del Oeste sim before it was renovated. And also the Mezquita mosque in the Al Andalus Generalife sim before it disappeared.

I knew that the plaza in the old Barcelona del Oeste was based on a real-life plaza. It was a special place for me because of all the memories I have in that plaza -- conversations and dances with lovers and friends. I wanted to find it in the RL Barcelona, but I didn't realize that there were a gazillion plazas all over Barcelona. And then, when the Captain led me to an alley to head back to my hotel, we passed through the Plaza Reial, and I realized that it was THE plaza. I was amazed and awed.

I walked the La Rambla a few times since my first day in Barcelona and I even took pictures of the Columbus monument, but it was a few days later when I realized that it was also part of the Barcelona del Oeste sim.

When I found out that the Mezquita is in Cordoba, which is near Seville, I made sure to go and visit it as well. When I first saw the replica in SL, it already made my heart beat faster. It was that awe-inspiring. When I first saw the real thing, my jaw literally dropped.

Of course, I learned that the replicas were not accurate. They were simplified versions of the real thing. Probably because of the prim allowances. The SL version of La Rambla was shorter, the monument was not exact, the plaza is a lot smaller, and the Mezquita replica was probably based on the way the real Mezquita was before the expansions and before the cathedral was built inside it.

So there. I've "exported" people and places from SL to my RL, and it was a wonderful experience. I've met SL people in RL before, but this is the first time I've encountered SL places in RL. The people and the places now have a deeper meaning to me and I have a stronger connection with them.

I'll not look at SL the same way again.

Opal Drew

And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
- Rascal Flatts


Something caught my eye in Flickr yesterday. Actually, a lot of things catch my eye on Flickr, and I just fave them. ;)  But this one was different.

Without going into details, I'll just compare it with previous experiences. Two, in fact. The caption was the name of a song that was "given" to me a long long time ago. The first thing I thought of was an old incident when a former lover said that a certain song reminded him of me, and then he later dedicated the same song to his bride at their reception which HiHo attended as the best man. I thought it happened again. But reading through the description, it wasn't the case. Then I wondered if the caption was a very discreet message, which reminded me of another incident where what seemed like an encoded message was "mistakenly" sent to a group chat.

I don't know what to think about this. Or even if I should even think about this. There are enough clues to figure out what happened. And I wondered if karma had anything to do with it. If it did, I don't know if I'd rejoice or if I'd sympathize.

Wolfgang repeatedly reminds me to stick with reality and stop imagining things. (This, from a guy who RPs with me every time we meet.) That's what he usually says when I'm being insecure. But, maybe he's right. Maybe I imagine myself as Nancy Drew and see clues of "mysteries" everywhere. Well, my avie already has the auburn hair....



Soon after midnight, I met with Rapido, who is now partnered. He said it went very fast. But being partnered didn't change how he flirts with me anyway.

He asked me to fix up his alt Rapido#2, who is exclusive to me. I asked what for, since he is now partnered.

"[Alt#31] would be your mistress?" I asked. I think he misunderstood, because he asked if Rapido#2 would be my master.

I replied, "I already have a dom. I don't want any more."

"Not like me," he countered.

"But I promised him no more doms or masters after him," I said. "I'm a terrible sub.... I give him headaches."

Then he claimed, "You are mine.... sl and rl."

I had to change the subject. :)

Fight or flight

The bet

August 14, 2012. Impy was talking about Guild Wars 2. It was supposed to come out on August 28 and he was excited about it.

[2012/08/14 16:59:16]
Alt#24: After you buy GW2, I won't see much of you anymore.
    That's where your time will go.
Impy2: no, i dont think so
    i will not go fully into GW2
Alt#24: I should make a bet.
Impy2: lol, you will loose
Alt#24: I think you'll be too tired to come into SL.
Impy2: no, this is 'diferent', it is not a game
Alt#24: And after your eyes get accustomed to the great graphics in GW1, you will not want to come  back to SL.
Impy2: laughs
    XDDD  no way
Alt#24: Make the bet then!
Alt#24: Okay.
    Here's my bet.
    By October, you will drop down to once or twice a week in SL.
Impy2: nope
Alt#24: Make the bet and I'll track it.
Impy2: what do you want to bet?
Alt#24: 1,000L
    You can afford that.
Impy2: :D ok
Alt#24: ok ... Deal.
Impy2: deal
Alt#24: One day, my darling, you'll learn never to make a bet with a Filipina.
Impy2: haha :D

November 9, 2012. Impy logged in after my presentation at the Non-Profit Commons. He had logged in a week before, but we didn't log into our dedicated alts then. This time, we did.

[2012/11/09 10:28:20]
Second Life: [Impy2] paid you L$1000.
Alt#24: What's that for?
Impy2: remember our "bet"?
Alt#24: I forgot.
Impy2: :) laughs.
Alt#24: What was the bet?
Impy2: don't remember..."I bet you will log less and less....till  one day in the week
Alt#24: oh
Impy2: i said no...
Impy2: you won :S
Alt#24: In that case, you owe me another 4000L

I won that bet because that's typical in my Second Life. Lovers fading away. Some disappear without a word. Some fall away, but they keep in touch by email, until eventually the emails disappear too. Some *do* return. Rapido did. And now, Impy did too. Even Yes Man had contacted me recently and we had a brief chat by disembodied IM to catch up on news with each other.

In the past, I figured I would always be abandoned. I have abandonment issues and they say that you would always get the same lessons in life until you learn them. I imagined that was the lesson I had to keep learning.

After all, I was always the one who was more immersed in SL. And my lovers were more focused on their RL. So it was only natural that I'd be the one left behind.

In fact, that was how I viewed every lover. He was just there for a short time and, eventually, he'd fade away. I could bet on it with confidence....

I don't think about to leave you

Later that same afternoon, I saw Wolfgang#2 logged in when it was already very late for him. He said he was on his way to bed. I asked for a hug before he goes to bed; he declined. I was very disappointed.

I imagined he was with his sub, and I felt bad that he spent the whole evening with her, but I couldn't even get five minutes for a hug. After he logged off, I couldn't focus so I logged my social alt and went to Frank's. I hid in a corner while listening to the music and working on other things outside SL. I said hi to a friend and another friend caught me. The second one proposed RL sex after finding out that we actually live near each other. I declined. He's less than half my age.

The next day, Wolfgang asked how my day was, as usual. And I mentioned taking my social alt out and the conversation with the young friend. I also mentioned that I spent a little time with Impy and that he's back. Then he asked me how Rapido was, and I said he was fine but I hadn't seen him for a while either.

[2012/11/10 02:26:25]
Alt#32: It's been just you for a long time.
Wolfgang#4: yes i know ... but it looks to change soon
Alt#32: I don't know.
Wolfgang#4: i think it will anyway as you show the wish it does
Alt#32: How do I show the wish?
Wolfgang#4: because all that, the dance with [social alt], the impy around, rapido too

I told him that I didn't really dance. I was just standing in the corner. Then I explained, "Sometimes, I just need to be around crowds because I feel lonely. And sometimes I feel lonely and rejected when I can't even get a five minute hug."

And the argument started.

I tried to appease him. I tried to prove I was thinking of him even as I stood at Frank's because a song played by the DJ made me think of him. He continued to think I was trying to make him jealous, simply because I didn't get a hug. I was trying to explain that it was just a slight disappointment and I went out to soothe myself.

I kept repeating what I said in so many ways. It was as though he wasn't listening or he didn't believe me. At one point, I felt like the argument was going nowhere, and I said, "I am at a point where I am seriously thinking of giving up." I was seeing red.

And that became another point of contention.

The argument continued through email the next day. Even while he was at a family gathering.

I said, "I always believed that love should be the only reason to be with another person. Maybe I’m a romantic idealist. I’ve wanted to run away because of our differences. I stayed because I love you. But, if my love for you is not a good enough reason, then what reason is there to stay?"

He replied, "I always believed that when you love someone, you don't have to search a reason to stay, because then, you don't wish to leave. And i believe that when you wish to leave, the meaning is that you don't love that much, or not that much anymore. ...

" Love is a good reason to not leave someone, it is just so bad that some reasons need to be found to decide to stay. ... Romantic words are words, reality is reality. ... You, the romantic, want to leave because [of] 2 argues and our differences. ... Me ,the not romantic, was here and stayed here without thinking about to leave, although our argues, although our differences which are for me constructive and not a problem. ... You, you say to me you love me. I, I don't think about to leave you."

My own reply was much longer, but essentially, "Running away doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Sometimes, it just means I am feeling more pain than I can handle. I can deal with arguments; arguments can be logical. I have a very difficult time dealing with emotional pain, because emotional pain often irrational. Feeling jealous is irrational. Feeling rejected just because I didn’t get a hug is irrational. ...

"You get hurt because of the argument. I’m already hurt before the argument starts. For me, the argument is like pulling out the arrow and cleaning the wound. It hurts more, but it’s necessary for healing. ...

"The will is not stronger than love; the will gets its strength from love. When I say I love you, I am saying that my love powers my will to stay and it overrides my impulse to run away from the pain. That impulse is the fight-or-flight instinct. When I cannot fight anymore, my instinct is to flee. But fleeing would not make you happy, so I stay."

We had a couple more exchanges by email before we met inworld again. And we made up.

But this argument has opened my eyes. As he says, I look for a reason to stay, but the thought of leaving me never even occurred to him. If he's right, maybe the impulse to flee is also triggered by fear. Fear of commitment. Fear of the relationship going further than I am prepared to go.

Somehow, a shift happened inside my brain. Somehow, I see him differently now.

Maybe I should save my Lindens. I'm not making any bets with this one.

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
― Dr. Seuss

7 days

It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.

"you are mine"

Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.

When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".

The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"

As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".

At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.

"i prefer he is your lover than another"

Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.

And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.

I hardly see Rapido anymore.

At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.

Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".

I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."

He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."

His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".

He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".

a birthday gift

The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.

After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.

A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.

I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.

Well, needless to say, we argued again.

This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.

I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.

I told him I'd decide the next day.

I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.

I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above

He replied with "Yes I wish".

In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.

During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....

tracker redux

"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."

I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.

It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.

But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.

So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.

So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.

packing the past

Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.

But the countdown had ended.

So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.

I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.

He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.

He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.

More involvement

Updates

Sometimes, you think you're recovering nicely, then suddenly some random thing, some random phrase, some random piece of music sends you sobbing again.  I probably should start packing the home I shared with Impy, but the pain is still too fresh for me to even go there.

Meanwhile, mfpwtff has been on email with me lately, asking me to review his personal ad profile and asking for my thoughts on things in his RL.  We've always had a wonderful friendship.  I relied on him for a hug and a chat on many occasions when I've been heartbroken.  Now, it's my turn to be there for him as he gets back on his feet after his divorce.  If only all my relationships end up like this, life would be good.

A close call

I haven't had much time for Rapido, nor he for me because he's going on a trip soon.  We've been taking our alts out (Alt#31 and Rapido#2) and doing multiples.  We've even tried to do a little bit of RP between ourselves.  Of course, the focus is still on sex.

However, I had a bit of a scare once when we were at a public sex place.  We were in a room in a castle when another couple came into the same room and used the bed.  Rapido, thinking it would be more exciting to do multiple, asked the guy if they wanted to join us.  The guy seemed to be all for it, but he said that his girl was too shy and would probably not agree.  Whew!

I have this "rule" that if someone who knows me from one alt approaches another of my alts by accident, I would admit that they know me.  I've only had to make good on that promise twice -- Impy was the second one.

And the guy that Rapido was inviting to join us in a foursome, well, ... he was once an admirer of Alt#11.

More involvement

When Wolfgang found out that I lost Impy, he simply made a comment about how fast relationships don't last.  That was it.  We were just chatting about the state of his relationships and how many he had left.

Then, the other day, he came in outside his usual time, so I tp'd him for a hug.  Then he said he had to say hello to one of his former subs, the same one who was jealous of my name in his profile.  She had just logged in.  So I released him from the hug, thinking that he had to tp away.  But he didn't.

He remained there, with his LookAt crosshairs on Opal.  He noticed that Opal has the same feet as Alt#27.  I said, yes, but Alt#27 has the mesh version and Opal has the sculpt version.

"She is beautiful," he said, referring to Alt#27.  "But I didn't lose hope to make you mine someday too."

Whoa!

That started a long conversation that is still unresolved.  It wove in and out, as I tried to figure out exactly what he wanted.

He likes watching female-female scenarios.  We tried it with one of his female alts, but it didn't feel right for me, so he aborted it, even though I was willing to go through it.  I wondered if it would feel more comfortable if both females were my alts.  He wasn't enthusiastic about the idea before, because he felt that I would still be doing something that I don't particularly enjoy.

But, now, he seems to be revisiting the idea.

I thought that if he just wanted a sex RP, I could use Alt#6.  He refused.  He said that she "belongs" to everybody and he doesn't want emotionless hard sex.  "i prefer more intimate relationships," he said.  I offered Alt#4, but he wants more than just RP.  I offered other alts that I don't use, and he said he'd like all of them.

His idea was to resurrect my sleeping alts, because he never liked the idea of putting avatars to sleep.  He puts so much of himself in his own alts, and he shivered at the idea that Alt#27 would be put to sleep if our relationship ended.  He feels it's like real death.  Of course, I objected that he shouldn't care what I do with her if he doesn't care about her anymore.

He said it was just a simple idea to pull my free alts into a "family."  He agrees that Opal would be more complicated because Opal is no longer anonymous, although he somewhat expressed a preference for Opal because she is the most "me" of all my alts.

To be honest, the whole thing was a big surprise.  He thinks it's no big deal.  But it seems that his idea of where we are is different from my idea of where we are.  I gave him the metaphor of a range from 0 to 10, where 0 means we are not involved, and 10 means we're married.  It seemed like (and these are random numbers) he thinks we're at 3 and he wants to go to 4.  Meanwhile, I think we're at 1, so it's a big jump from 1 to 4.  So, to him, his idea wasn't a big request.  But, to me, I'd have to rearrange my whole SL.

Last night, he logged in one of his female alts to give me a gift.  He had bought some nylons for me through her.  And, he started RPing as her, while I tried out the different colors.  And the conversation was very eye-opening.  Through the mask of a female alt, he spoke more freely.  He noticed I was calmer too.  And through that female alt, I gained a better understanding of a man who has been mostly a mystery to me.

And this past week, I'm beginning to see that we really are closer to "3" than to "1".  And I'm beginning to understand what I really mean to him.

Six

Six years in Second Life

60,000+ items in my inventory (And lots of them are boxed!)

336 avatars in my friends list

36,000+ in my L$ balance

The past six years have certainly been the most intense and most interesting part of my life.  The past six years have changed my life.  My world has expanded exponentially in more ways than one.

I've hidden my virtual life from the public during the first four years or so for fear of being judged.  But now, I stand vulnerable and exposed to the world through my book.

Where I'll be another six years from now, who knows.  But I'm pretty sure I'll still be living in a virtual world somewhere.



In other news, ...

I just released the first episode of the new talk show "Talk, Like Dim Sum" which is based on the book.

It felt like I have been guided throughout this project.  Even though it wasn't easy, it felt as though there were an unseen hand helping me get this done in such a short time, from conception of the idea to the release of the first episode.

My brain is too tired now, but soon I'll have time to sit down and examine how things just fell into place.



Meanwhile, ...

Wolfgang has been on vacation for a few weeks now, so I haven't seen him inworld.  His internet connection is so bad, that even Radegast crashes.  He emails me when he can.  And I'm experiencing a different side of him.  He's more lighthearted than I originally thought.  He makes more jokes.  He is more playful.

Maybe it's because, when I usually meet with him, he's at work so he is distracted and more serious.  Now that he's on vacation, he's more relaxed and that affects his interactions with me.

Because he's gone, I get more work done during the early morning hours which is when I usually meet with him.

And I also get more time to spend with Rapido, who is usually in during the early mornings.  Although, he is usually already dancing with someone else by the time I log in.

We have new alts but we've never really spent time to fix them up.  Mine has one outfit.  The same one she was born with.  :D  But he wants her to be chubby so I have to figure out what outfits work with a chubby shape.  (I already have that problem in real life, why do I have to have the same problem in SL?!?)

Meanwhile, Impy and I have a little crisis.  His RL leaves him with no time to come into SL anymore.  Even his emails are a lot fewer than usual.  I thought I was losing him.  I was panicking.  Lack of time is the most common reason my lovers leave SL.  I saw the same thing happening again.  But he assures me it's not the case.  He thinks that the crisis will pass and that he'll be able to come in more often again.

To be honest, I don't know.  I've seen this happen too many times.  When push comes to shove, I fall off my lovers' priority lists.  And I understand.  On the other hand, the circumstances of how I met Impy was strangely synchronous that it feels like this relationship is meant to be something more than a passing romance.  That's why I don't know.  Meanwhile, I am grateful for each day.  Each email.  Each typed kiss.  Each imagined touch.

I've been through this many times before.  It still isn't easy.

"you complete me"

"you complete me and i really need you"

That's what Impy said today.  He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails.  Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice.  Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.

I figured he was fading away.  Real life was pulling him away.  That's how most of my relationships end.  I was expecting the worst.  My heart was breaking.

But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming.  He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.

I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises.  I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.

He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago.  It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang.  I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied.  And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody.  I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed.  The man fills my cup to overflowing.


This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot.  But our relationship is more stable this past week.

The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to.  But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel.  Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM.  He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.

The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.

Something strange happened last Thursday though.  He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work.  Then he got naked.  And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness.  Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words).  So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.

It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness.  It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long.  He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.


Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again.  I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god!  The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish.  This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.

Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL.  I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.

Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend.  Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities.  :)

Waves on the sand

Updates

1.
Lucky Bastard was speechless. He found me in Yahoo the morning after I wrote the last entry. My email was "very unexpected." He said, "i care but i do not want to go that deep... where my emotions take over my life in sl." I knew that; he had been telling me that all along. I told him I didn't expect him to, and I'm not asking him to. I was just expressing how I felt. But I stopped logging into Yahoo, since I log there just for him anyway. Maybe a little distance would center me.

2.
Rapido stopped talking to me. He didn't reply to my IMs when he logged in. Two days now. I sense he's mad at me. Or jealous because of that blog entry. *sigh* When I was with him last October, we were exclusive even though we didn't make that commitment, simply because I saw him everyday. When he came back recently, we hadn't had a chance to talk and I brought it up the last time we were together; I said that all we did was have sex. His response was that, when he's with me, sex is all he could think about. And that was a very sweet thing to say, especially since he knows what I look like irl. But I don't think he knew I have other lovers this time. Or maybe he has a new lover now. But I still think it's rude for him to not even reply back with a "hi". *sigh*

Update: He's not mad at me. He said his son must have used his account. *sigh*

3.
Spot sent Alt #11 an unexpected message. He said he was leaving SL, but he offered his email address and said he would be honored if I would correspond with him, because of the thousand or so people he met in SL, I was one of the very few who was "different". The message was unexpected because we kinda agreed not to talk to each other anymore, although he *did* wave at me once, when he saw me at Frank's. After a few emails back and forth, we talked in Google Talk a couple of times and exchanged RL info. I convinced him to create a new alt (which he created just to talk to me because it's inconvenient for me to log into Google Talk). I've been telling him about all the activities I've done in SL just to illustrate that there's much much more to SL than "idle banter" and that there's a big wide world outside Frank's.

4.
And Rocky came back from a trip. I was a bit pissed at him because we exchanged email addresses so he could stay in touch while he was traveling, but he didn't check the email address he gave me until he got back from his trip, because, as he says, it's not part of his routine yet. *sigh* But we had a lovely evening anyway. He tp'd me to Sunset Jazz where we stood hugging for a long time (we never even entered the club), then I tp'd him back to my place to show him what I had built. While we were there, I introduced him to Gmok, then to Umpa Lumpa, then to Hottie, then to Admiral Creaky. Of course, he pretended to be jealous. But there were sexual undertones in the conversation and the giggling, and one thing led to another.... :) Lately, we had been talking about what we would do when we meet in real life, in detail, like going to that dim sum restaurant we both like. So I asked him if he was serious about meeting me irl. He said he was. It was just a matter of scheduling. At this point, we figure that July would be the earliest. So, we'd have our own fireworks.... ;)


Waves

If you asked me how many lovers I have now, I cannot say. It seems that my love affairs are changing and taking on shades of gray. Lovers fade in and fade out. The delineation between would-be lover and lover and that between lover and ex have blurred. Lovers come and go and come and go again. Like waves coming up the shore and withdrawing again. And each time a wave comes and goes, the sand changes. Each time a lover comes and goes, a part of me changes. And, sometimes, it's only after the wave withdraws that we see the change in the sand.

Overlapping lovers

My lovers are overlapping today.

First, let me talk about a new lover. I'll call him "Rocky" because, within a couple of months of each other, we both visited the "Garden of the Gods" in Colorado where there was a rock that seems to defy gravity.

We found that there are many other similarities in our lives. We were married in the same year (not to each other, of course). We lived in the same area. We worked in the same industry. My favorite dim sum restaurant is the exact same one as *his* favorite dim sum restaurant (and, no, it's not a chain). In all those chances of physically running into each other, we never met... until, one day, Alt #11 was wearing a gold gown and found someone wearing a suit with a vest in the same gold shade at Frank's. And I IM'd him because his profile made me think that he might be a fellow writer. That was late last year, but he disappeared for months and just came back. He's still rarely here. *sighs*


Anyway, first story: October2006 IM'd me today after months and months (maybe more than a year?) of no contact. The first thing he said tonight was "love u", just like that, out of the blue. Well, he needed a friend tonight, so I went to give him a hug for a few minutes before he went to bed.

For some reason, after he went to bed, I opened his profile in the Notes tab and realized that he has the same birthday as Rocky. Here are two more coincidences: October2006 is four years younger than I, and Rocky is four years older than I. October2006 got my SLirginity; I got Rocky's SLirginity.


Second story: Yesterday, I was cleaning up my parcel in Amberaldus and I emailed Rapido to ask him to come and pick up his objects, since I'm thinking of selling that parcel. I haven't seen him since late October, although we've communicated briefly through offline messages and emails. The last email was more than a month ago.

Well, he *did* clean up but he left three heart-shaped prims and his email said "I love you so much" and he wants to come back but I'm asleep during the times he could come in. Anyway, I listened to his show today and he played "MacArthur Park" (which I associate with the Poet) then "Amigos Para Siempre" (which I associate with MAMJJ), two songs which I never heard him play before.


Lucky Bastard chatted with me in Yahoo and in email. Surf came in once. And December2006 poked me (again) in Facebook. I told him that, because we keep poking back and forth, it's almost like the other kind of poking, except it's in very slow motion. *grins*


Three current lovers and three very friendly ex's.... A little bit here, a little bit there, and I had a full meal of loves this week. :)

*burps*

Too cerebral

"I find it very distancing and unspontaneous. Everything seems deliberate. Too deliberate, too cerebral."

That's his ISFP self talking about my INTJ self, because I moved him from one alt to another and then proposed a 30-day time limit on the affair, even though I explained why.

But this is who I am. I am INTJ. I'm the exact opposite of what he wants. He wanted me to be emotional, and I thought I already was. With him, I always felt not good enough, and more than once I felt like an idiot because I didn't know some obscure fact. Why the hell am I expected to know about a little country in Africa? As an ISFP, he's more interested in facts. As INTJ, I'm more interested in ideas. I accept that difference; he doesn't.

He would complain about things that I don't know how to fix. He says I have the potential to "sweep someone" (off their feet?) because he had a glimpse of that side of me, and he wanted me to sweep him. I had no idea how. Wasn't that something that just happens spontaneously?

When I think about it, his questions probing about my relationships, asking me to compare him with other men I've been with, felt as though he was choosing between me and another, as though he was weighing the pros and cons of being with me.

Finally, he pondered that we might be better off as friends than lovers. So, we remain friends, but I warned hm I don't have time for friends. He didn't like that.

Yesterday he IM'd me just to say hello, but, as usual, he was distracted. He was dancing with an old flame, while working and chatting with me. I told him I thought it was disrespectful to her because he wasn't focusing on her. He disagreed. I asked if she even knew that he was chatting with me, and he said that he didn't have to give status reports.

He IM'd me again in the evening. I thought that if he kept IM'ing me, that he was hurting from the breakup, so I offered a hug, and he accepted. But, as we started talking, he seemed very cynical and cold. And he was distracted again, I'm sure, so I said I needed to get back to work. I had given him time during the past week, in spite of having deadlines. There was no point to that, if he's not my lover anymore. I don't have to wait on him.

After we said goodnight, I IM'd him again with a request. I asked for no contact for a couple of weeks, to give me time to heal. After a short discussion, he finally agreed. There would be silence.

I know he's hurting, but he's too proud to admit it. In that sense, we are very much alike. I am hurting but I'm too proud to admit it. At least, to him. I confess in this blog instead.

They say we hate in other people what we hate about ourselves, and we admire in other people what we like about ourselves. There were many instances when he rubbed me the wrong way unconsciously and I let them pass. It'll take some time for me to process what he is reflecting back to me. If nothing else, maybe I'd learn a lesson or two.


A lotus

As if on cue, Lucky Bastard logged in after a long absence, looking for me since yesterday. I think there's a psychic link between us now that he could sense when I need him, when my heart is breaking.

We caught up with each other today (technically yesterday) and he said he was thinking about me. I jokingly asked which part of me he was thinking of and he simply said, "soul." And after we passed witty remarks about my dirty mind, he said, "lotus always grows in the dirtiest waters."

A compliment is one thing. That was way beyond a compliment. That was a witnessing. It was as though he said, "I see the true you" in the deepest sense.

I remember something I said many years ago to MAMJJ that he was my witness. At that time, he was the only one who knew my RL identity and my RL-associated alt and he was witness to everything I did. He hasn't been into SL for a very long time now.

Now, Lucky is my witness. He sees me. All the way into my soul.

In a world like this, it is extremely rare to find someone who cares deeply enough to watch over you, who delves deep to truly know you, who accepts and loves you exactly for who you are. He never said he loves me. But what he does for me speaks volumes.


A song dedication

I was feeling lost. Once in a while, I'd get a surge of emotions so strong that my torso would physically curl as though I was hit in the chest. But I have to work.

I was playing Il Divo in Rhapsody in the background. When I heard "Come Primavera", I remembered Rapido. After I checked the time, I realized it was halfway through his show, and I hadn't listened to his show for months, so I did.

He was talking when I turned it on. And suddenly the world changed. It felt like it did when we were together. Images came back to my mind... the pavilion with the elephant he never said anything about, the hammock on the beach sky-orb. There was sun in my mind again.

Then suddenly, I half understood he was about to play a song for "una amiga". Then he said "Il Divo". Then he said other things (in Spanish, of course), but he explicitly said "Opal Lei" several times as though he was making sure that I knew it was for me. I had a big grin on my face.

He remembers me. He remembers us.

He knew I was listening, because his website has tools that showed what cities listeners were from.


If it's real, the love never fades away.

Putita, puttana

Okay, I think I'll blame it on the cold and the difficulty of translating, even with web translators.

I had the same argument today with Racer as I did with Rapido in August/September. It had to do with being called what Google translates into "whore" or "bitch". So, of course, I'd naturally take offense. Rapido was calling me "putita". Racer is calling me "puttana".

Today, I angrily objected and said that I'm not a whore. Racer clarified that I was not "una puttana", but "la mia puttana". Then he explained that, in love, being called someone's bitch is a compliment, not an insult. And suddenly, I remembered that Rapido said the exact same thing several months ago.

I dunno. I still object to the term which I feel is demeaning.

Then Racer calls me "la mia schiava in amore". "Schiava" means "slave", so I again angrily objected. Much later, I realized he was actually trying to be intimate but all these terms were pushing my buttons.

Maybe I should just lighten up. :)

So far, I agreed to be his "amante", but not his "puttana" and not his "schiava". He wants me to be his slave so that I would give him sex when he demands it. I told him I'd give it to him anyway, but as his lover, not as his slave. And he was happy with that. Then he gave two more demands, and I said I would do them only if he asks nicely, instead of demanding. He agreed.

*sigh* This affair is going to take some work.


Happy New Year, everyone!

Un mes

Well, there were 31 days in August, so this is Day 31. Very few of my previous lovers have gone past the 30-day mark. And none of them had spent hours with me almost every day. And the last time I had sex almost everyday for a month was a couple of decades or so ago.

This one is very different and could very well last a while. Sure, it's mostly about sex. But it clears my head! No tantrums, no storms, because I'm satisfied.

If nothing else, I'm learning Spanish. In fact, I've learned how to make the "ñ" on my keyboard. (It's Alt-0241.) Of course, the words I'm learning are words like conejos, potro, yuega, perro, perra, polla, pelotas, coño, follar, .... *giggles*

Exclusivity without the promise of

I'll call him "Rapido" because he talks fast.

I met him two weeks ago at Sweethearts, actually. I IM'd him first and, soon after, I got other IMs. Then someone asked me to dance a split second before he did.

As a matter of principle, I went with the other guy who asked me first, but he turned out to be in his 20s and we didn't have anything to talk about as soon as we hopped on the pose balls. So I excused myself and explained that I was already chatting with someone when he asked me to dance and I felt that I made the wrong decision. The 20-something was surprisingly very gracious and he understood. I IM'd him again the next day, apologizing, and he was still very gracious. Whoever he ends up with will be a very lucky woman indeed.

Anyway, Rapido smiled when I said I was free again for that dance, and we went to Sunset Jazz, where there was less lag. We chatted only for about 15 minutes, then he excused himself soon in order to talk with a friend. I figured that was it. He friended me but I'm still being a hermit, so I turned off my status for him too.

Then a few days ago, I decided to go to Franks. I needed company. Franks was as laggy as usual, but I saw a yellow dot on my mini-map and it turned out to be Harper, so I waved in IM. After a brief exchange with her, I saw another yellow dot farther towards the corner and it turned out to be Rapido, so I said hi.

I asked him why he was just sitting there and not dancing. He said he was waiting for me. Uh-huh. LOL. But I needed flattery that day, so I went along. After struggling with the lag, he tp'd me to his rental place instead and we danced for a bit.

Well, it turned out that he's not just a fast talker but a fast mover too. Not that I minded. After sex, he said he had to work and he gave me a link to a radio station. I didn't quite get what the significance was. I thanked him and said I was listening to my own music. He laughed, then he had to go.

Back in my work loft, I tried the link anyway and heard a man with a rich full baritone voice, speaking in Spanish, and some music. The radio program reminded me of radio shows I grew up listening to, with the announcer interrupting the music every so often. The music was fast and had a strong beat and it really wasn't what I enjoy listening to, so I turned it off after a while and went back to listening to Il Divo.

I thought he would be gone the rest of the day, but he logged back in after a couple of hours. I realized that was him on the radio. So, we talked some more and had sex some more, until I was so tired. I logged off at 5:45am.

I usually outlast the men. They log off long before I do, and they don't need as much sex as I do. But I think I've met my match.

The next day, we had sex again before his show. But this time, he logged in using the computer inside the studio and sat with me throughout his show. And this time, I listened. Because I told him that I didn't like the music, he played Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" and mentioned my name on the air, challenging in Spanish that if I didn't like Frank, then I didn't like the music. When he found out my RL nickname, he mixed it in with other trivia during the show. And he repeated it a few times. I was blown away. After his show, we continued chatting and had sex again.

That's been our routine everyday for the past four days, from 11pm to 5am or 6am. Talking, laughing, learning about each other. He's learning English and I'm relearning Spanish.

And we're defining our boundaries. He's very demanding. He wants exclusivity, for one. After thinking about it and remembering my last affair, I said no. I would give him exclusivity anyway because he fulfills my sexual needs, but I won't promise it. He asked why. I said it's because I've seen way too many men in SL cheat on their wives and their partners. It's not so much because I want to have sex with other men; it's that I don't want to worry if he's having sex with other women. If we're not exclusive, then I wouldn't care if he does. It's not the sex itself that ruins a relationship, but the lost of trust. This way, there are no promises to be broken, because the promise wasn't made in the first place. He laughed but he understood my point.

So, theoretically, we're not exclusive. But, in practice, we are. At least, for now.