Immensely blessed

The break-up with 6-Minute Dancer stunned me in a way that was very unexpected, and what he said made me rethink my lovestyle.

Two lovers have consoled me since, two others have distracted me with fun conversations, and one other has sent me hugs and kisses. And I remember again why I chose this lovestyle.

I don't have to ask for more than each of them is willing to give. I don't empty their cups with my needs. That allows me to keep my independence, and them to keep theirs. We avoid co-dependency. Therefore, we know that, when we get together, we get together willingly, because we enjoy each other's company, not because we are obligated to be there.

There are times when I wish for more time with them. But when I miss one of them, it's not a generic emotion; I miss that specific lover. None of them is replaceable. Each of them is different. And that diversity in personality enriches my life. How could I give up that richness?

6-Minute Dancer is wrong. It's not that I can not be exclusive; it's that I do not want to be. Traditionalists may think that I'm being selfish, because I go for what I need. I would have thought so in the past, but, these days, I disagree. I share myself with more lovers than I would have in an exclusive relationship. At the same time, I allow my lovers to share themselves with others and to enjoy others. From that perspective, I think it is exclusivity that is actually a selfish act.

Being polyamorous doesn't mean I take on anyone who's available. In fact, as accepting as I am of people, I am very discriminating with lovers. The better ones stay with me longer, because I actively seek out their company, just as they seek out mine.

It was silly to grieve for losing 6-Minute Dancer; he wasn't right for me for several reasons. But that incident made me appreciate how incredibly lucky I am to have these lovers around me when I needed them, even though one of them waited almost a year before I considered him a lover and even though another hadn't been my lover for almost two years. Now, that is overwhelming.

I am immensely blessed.

On the opposite bank

I write this as I wait for him to log in. Today is the last day of my binge.

It's not that we spent all of the past week together; he had other obligations after all. But he gave me all his free time, and even some of his sleep time. Before he met me, he rarely logged in. But he was inworld every day this past week, even if only for a short while to say hi.

I am overwhelmed. I go into surgery tomorrow, and, at a time when I most needed someone, he was here for me. Going out of his way to be here with me. To indulge me, a stranger.

Our conversations have always been lighthearted and flirty. He is gentle with me and his consistency amazes me. No drama. No heavy emotions. And yet I wonder. We never exchanged "I love you"'s, but if he didn't love me, would he have done this much for me?

I don't have the words to tell him how much this means to me. All I could say was that I really really appreciated it, and even that felt insufficient.

After today, he would not be exclusive to me anymore, because he couldn't be here often and because we are both fiercely independent spirits. But we remain lovers. And most certainly, we remain friends.

But the strange thing is that I'm crying, because it feels as though I'm losing something precious. We've crossed the river and we stand on the opposite bank. We'll walk together for a little while longer, but I know that our paths would slowly diverge. And that is what saddens me.

Gifts

I received an order today for matching Ms.O.Lei-ny "Etched in Stone" sets with a custom message. The customer included a message for the recipient. She was releasing him unwillingly and this was a goodbye gift.

This is the first time I've heard of this product being used as a way to say goodbye. When I created it, it was meant to express love. I suppose, it still is. Sometimes, the greatest act of love is letting go.

From my perspective, she gave him two gifts. And the jewelry set is the lesser of the two.

I wish them both the best.


Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

Forgiveness and gratitude

They say we cannot start healing until we forgive. And that entails forgiving the other and ourselves. However, it is easier to forgive another person than it is to forgive ourselves. Maybe it is because, in order to forgive ourselves, we first have to confess our sins. And to confess our sins is to admit that we are not as perfect or as good or as virtuous as we deem ourselves to be. So we have to first forgive ourselves for being imperfect before we can even forgive ourselves for our transgressions.

And when all the forgiving is done, we're still left feeling that something was taken away from us. As though we were denied future happiness, as though our dreams were snatched away. We lose trust in the other; we become defensive. And we close off a part of ourselves from the world. Instead of opening up to new loves, to new joys, to new experiences, we become more cautious. And we shield ourselves from precisely the experiences we're looking for.

But, now, I realize that forgiveness is only the first step. Perhaps even an unnecessary step.

You see, it doesn't matter why a relationship -- whether romantic or platonic -- ended. Not at all. That's because the whole relationship -- from the moment you meet until the day you part ways -- is a gift. A shared gift from both souls to each other and to themselves. All the joys, all the laughter, all the memories. Even the ending of the relationship, the transgression, is part of the gift, as well as all the other lessons that came with it. The ending of the relationship teaches us to appreciate the gift in its entirety and all other gifts we share with other souls. It teaches us to cherish each moment of that gift because it is transient, as all wonderful gifts are.

When we are given a gift, we don't say, "I forgive you." No, we say, "Thank you." And when we say thank you, when we are grateful, our hearts remain full and overflowing. Nothing is taken away from us; everything is given to us. There is nothing to forgive; there is no lack either in ourselves or in the other; there is no transgression.

And the next time we are offered a gift, we reach out and accept it gratefully. Because we remember that the last gift filled our hearts with joy and our minds with wisdom.

"To err is human; to forgive divine." -- Alexander Pope
"To err is human; to forgive wise; to be grateful divine." -- Opal Lei ;-)

Gracias. Mahalo. Danke. Tak. Merci. Arigato. Dziekuje. Meda wo ase. Diolch. Doh je. Komapsumnida. Grazie. Efharisto. Shukria. Xie xie. Salamat. Obrigada. Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving

There are many things that I am thankful for in real life, but that's for another blog. Meanwhile, here are the things I am thankful for in Second Life. (I am not mentioning names, except one, but you know who you are.)

• I am thankful for newfound friends from around the world who share themselves, their thoughts, their emotions, their wonderful sense of humor, and their strange kissing customs. ;-)
• I am thankful for lovers-turned-friends who remain in my life even as they (and I) try to heal.
• I am thankful for girlfriends who take me dancing to ease my heartaches.
• I am thankful for the young ones whose innocence keeps me from straying too far.
• I am thankful for the very smart people at the ISM who warmly accept me in their midst and give me a chance (or more like a challenge) to learn from them.
• I am thankful for the whole Linden family who tirelessly try their best, maintaining and improving a complex piece of software.
• I am thankful for Philip Rosedale for planting the seed from which this world sprung.
• I am thankful for everyone, whose creativity, personality, and presence make SL endlessly fascinating.
• I am thankful for all the experiences that SL provides and that I would never have a chance to experience in real life.

And, finally, ...

• I am thankful for all the souls I have touched and for all the souls who have touched mine. Because, even if everything else in SL is a fantasy, the touching of souls is real.

Happy Thanksgiving.