Once every two years

I understand how nervous some people feel about alts. I remember a time when alts were viewed as a bad thing, because people used them for not-so-nice reasons.

So I decided to establish a personal "rule" that if someone who met me in one alt approached me in another alt, I would admit that I've met them before. But they would have to say hi (or something) to me first. I would not approach them.

The first two instances were fairly insignificant. I don't remember the first one, but the second one met one of my anonymous alts first then another anonymous alt. No damage done.

The third instance was with Impy. He met one anonymous alt, then he added Opal in a social media site (not SL). I considered that as an approach to another alt anyway. Needless to say, that was a significant coincidence.

Today, someone saw one of my anonymous alts and complimented me. I said thank you, of course. But, as I was reading his profile, I realized that I had met him in real life at SLCC 2011! And I even took his picture! Anyway, I had to tell him. My rule. :)  But he first promised to keep my secrets. :)

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

Left the pilgrim and echoes of a lover

Left the pilgrim

I already knew about the lies.  I already knew the two pilgrims were lovers.  I also knew that their relationship was a D/s one.  And I knew that the blonde dom had a female lover as well.  However, I also sensed that Alt #11's presence in the sub's life was causing a rift between them.  I didn't trust the dom; he didn't trust me.  I was trying to explain why my presence wasn't good for them, when the sub suddenly started being verbally abusive.  So I said goodbye and logged off.


Echoes of a lover

Since then, I've met two men who have too much in common with Rocky that I had to ask if I had met them before.

Echo #1 met Alt #6.  He's very new to SL and his artistic profile prompted me to IM him.  He was actually a techie.  I was planning to transfer him over to Alt #11 by the second date, but we had a misunderstanding that gave me second thoughts, so I decided to delay the transfer.  He was worried about the disappointment if we should meet irl.  And for him, a relationship in SL*has* to flow out to real life; it couldn't just stay in SL.  So, we agreed to end it there.  I was crying.

Interestingly, I was very upset about it for a few days.  I was upset about the "breakup" for longer than the duration of the affair.  But I knew it wasn't him or that relationship that I was upset about, but old issues cropping up because of it.  And the ache of missing the one he reminded me of.

Echo #2 met Alt #11.  For several reasons that I won't go into, I fear that this one might even be linked closer to Rocky in real life than any of us could imagine.  And he lived in the exact same city where I once lived, and synchronicity like that makes me sit up and pay attention.  When he used an expression that Rocky loves to use, I freaked out.  When I explained that it was an expression a lover uses, Echo #2 said he wouldn't use it again.

That first night, he wanted to be one of my lovers.  We even did a roleplay of him filling out an application and of me interviewing him for the position.  On the second date, I bought one of his RL photographs for my art collection, then we explored a monastery and a castle, then we made love.

But I couldn't feel a connection, even though I tried.  It felt as though there was a psychological wall.  He was nice, he was polite, but there was no emotional openness.  I suspect he's still deeply in love with his ex-partner, whom he says is now married in real life.  They were still business partners in SL until the next day after our second date.  He said that she wanted to get out of the rental business and so he took over the land she owns.  I wondered if he had told her about me, which prompted her decision to untangle.

We were supposed to meet again tonight, but he stood me up.  I logged in at 9pm and wrote him an offline at 10:30pm.  At 11pm, as I was about to log off, he replied to my offline via email and said he had just arrived home. Now, I have second thoughts about this one too.


I'm pretty sure it's me.  I just don't have that fire anymore.  Maybe it's the hysterectomy.  Maybe I really don't have time or patience to start over with new lovers, because I have more pressing real-life needs.  Maybe what I really need these days is not the excitement of a new affair, but solace from an old love.

If only the old loves would log back in.




"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away..."

Disaster averted

It's over. As quickly as it started, it's over.

Day before yesterday, something happened that made me worried sick about him, and no message from him at all for 24 hours. When we finally met, I gave him my phone number to call in case of an emergency.

He refused to give me his. That raised a red flag.

When I confronted him about it, he tried to turn the tables around. I was asking legitimate questions; he was avoiding answering them.

I commented that Googling for his real name only returns one item -- the Twitter account he created for me. His reply: "I'm slightly startled by this new side of you."

I reminded him that I revealed more about myself than he did about himself. His reply: "Now i'm intrigued, maybe i should learn more about you"

He asked if he needs to be a public person like me. I said no, but if he had to hide from me, if he didn't trust me enough, why did he ask me to marry him?

I accused him of playing me.

He accused me of not being into "this" at all.

I said, "There is no "this", is there?"

I told him that I wanted the truth. And I reminded him that he promised me brutal honesty.

He stood there for eight minutes without a word. Then he logged off.

He replied to my tweet about allowing myself to be gullible and said that I'm a victim of my own imagination. When I logged into SL, he still would not explain and started the argument again. He said that, if I was hoping for an amiable parting, I wasn't going to get it from him. He dissolved the friendship, and that was that.


I respect people's privacy. I respect people's need to be anonymous. I don't mind if people hide their information from me, but I won't tolerate lies and I won't risk my personal safety.

Everyday, people all over the world exchange contact information all the time. Phone numbers, email addresses, postal addresses. We give this information to strangers all the time. I would have been fine if he never gave me any personal information, except he wanted me to marry him in real life! And we were talking about him spending a month with me so we could be sure it was what we both wanted. That meant, I was inviting a stranger into my home. *That* is risking my personal safety. Yet, he could not give me something as benign as his phone number. Any normal person would seriously wonder why not. *I* panicked.

Rocky is the only current lover whose real-life identity I do not know, and I inadvertently found out why. But he had given me enough information about himself for me to comfortably risk meeting him in a public place someday. Besides I had witnessed how he behaves; I even teased him by calling him Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. And, ... he didn't ask me to marry him.


6969 said "no secrets". When he said that, I gave him the names of all my alts; not even my RL sister knows all those names. And I gave him the website with all the links to all my online presences and personas, both virtual and real. Full disclosure. Now, I realize that, when he said "no secrets," he really meant I wasn't allowed to hide secrets from him, but he's allowed to hide his basic information from me. [sarcasm]Silly me. How could I have missed that?[/sarcasm]

The last thing he said today was "thank god this didnt go any further." I agree. Disaster averted.

Three

Yesterday was my third rez day. It was a quiet day. I had too many things going on irl that I didn't have time to make plans for a celebration.

But, as I did in the past, I made a gift for friends -- a custom version of the "Etched in Stone" jewelry sets. I wish I had more time to create something entirely new. Ah, well, maybe next year.

Again, August proves to be a significant month in my SL. The most important change this year is the fact that I went to SLCC, which prompted me to decide to reveal my RL identity to friends. That already had a significant impact in my life and I'm sure it will make a big difference in my friendships and romantic relationships in the coming year.

I am also starting a new venture in my RL alt that bridges SL and RL, and we'll see how that goes. I also just moved residences irl, so maybe August is starting to affect my RL as well.

Here's a toast to my friends for another great year.

I'm coming out

Im Coming Out - Diana Ross

There's a reason I hadn't been inworld much the past several days: I was at SLCC. I didn't register as Opal, of course. I registered as my RL-associated alt.

But I met so many friends of Opal -- long-time friends -- that I had to go and introduce myself. And the reaction I got was amazing. After they read my name tag (which had my alt's name), people were friendly and shook my hand. But after they find out that I'm Opal, faces lit up and arms automatically opened wide for a hug. So, by Saturday evening, I decided Opal won't be anonymous anymore.

I won't advertise my RL identity like I do with my alt, but it won't be a big secret anymore either.

So I'll be taking out this blurb that I have in my 1st Life tab, which is too bad because I get chuckles from people who read it:

For those who keep asking, my real life name is Jane. Yup! Previously married to John Q. Public. Since the divorce, I went back to using my maiden name, which is Doe. Now, stop asking silly questions.

So, if you wanna know, go ahead and ask the silly questions.

Should anything happen to me

This is something I had already been thinking about for a couple of years. Since LL said that they would only release an account if it's in the deceased's will, I had been planning to write a will and include something about it there.

But my sister brought something up when I chatted with her today. She brought up the possibility that I may still be alive but incapacitated somehow. How do I let people in SL know?

So, during the past few hours, I've started a document that only she and I have access to, and she promised not to read it until I'm incapacitated or dead. It contains a list of people to notify in either case.

She also knows to give people the option to know my RL identity (as well as the names of my other alts) *after my death*, if they don't know it by then. It is an option because once-lovers might choose to preserve the fantasy. Of course, the option would also be available to friends.

Okay, enough of the morbid thoughts....

A case for anonymity

I had been good about keeping my anonymity intact until recently. Circumstances have forced me to reveal my identity to a few people. Two of those circumstances were issues of trust and accountability; the third was an economic decision.

Jaime asked me once why I feel the need to be anonymous. I don't do anything illegal in SL. The most compromising thing I've done is cyber sex*, but isn't sex a natural part of the human experience anyway? And didn't I want to take credit for the work I've done inside SL?

But there is one significant reason.

SL allows us to be what we cannot be in real life, to live a fantasy. For me, that fantasy is to have physical beauty. But I've later realized that having a beautiful avatar is not just for my own benefit; it is also a gift to the world. After all, aren't we just trying to create Utopia in here? So, just as an artist creates a thing of beauty as a gift to the world, this avatar is my contribution to Utopia.

But it is so easy to fall in love in SL and, eventually, someone falls in love with the fantasy I created and I fall in love right back with the fantasy they've created. I always remind my lovers that they're falling in love with a woman who does not exist. Yes, I have the same intelligence, personality, and voice in real life, but I do not have the beauty that my avatar has. They insist that it's still me. But no matter what these men say, my avatar's looks are part of what attracted them to me, part of the fantasy of having won the affections of a beautiful woman. After all, isn't it a big ego boost to have a beautiful woman on your arm?

Revealing my identity would dispel that fantasy. Wouldn't it be a big let-down if you realize that the lover, whose beauty you have been proud of, is not beautiful at all? Maybe that doubt was always in the back of your mind, but having it confirmed would be as cruel as having a gift snatched away from you.

So, besides the few exceptions, I remain anonymous, I preserve the fantasy. For my sake and for the sake of every SL lover I've had.


* In light of a recent SL blog, I guess I should emphasize that I'm talking about sex between consensual adults.