Lo imposible es maravilloso

[2012/06/28 18:02:19]  Impy: i dont know how express it on english...but
[2012/06/28 18:02:53]  Impy: Estoy muy emocionado, y has conseguido que el corazón se me encoja en un puño y se me rayen los ojos....
[2012/06/28 18:03:03]  Impy: te quiero

He said those words after he watched the machinima I created for today.  The machinima I had been working on since we decided to do this ritual.  The machinima with our pictures together since the day he first met Alt#24, taken by him and by me.  The machinima with the first words we exchanged with each other almost six months ago.  The machinima where I sang a love song just for him.  A love song that I had to record at least twenty times in a span of two weeks, because my voice kept cracking as my own emotions overwhelmed me.

We had just said our vows.



Side by side

When I created the "Heart Gravel" exhibit for the SL9B celebration, there were two sets of hearts with 50 hearts each where people could leave a love note.  I added a dedication, listing most of my lovers, on the root prim of the set of falling hearts.  The other set was a pile of hearts already on the palms of the open hands below.

I also added two extra hearts that were not linked to those sets.  The one I wrote for Impy started with "Mi amor:  Muchas veces, derrites mi corazon. ..." After he saw that, he added his own message in the pile of hearts and, by chance, it ended up on the heart right next to mine.

Going public

We spent a couple of hours exploring part of SL9B.  Well, actually, it was less than that because I was crashing most of the time.

But over the weekend, I saw an announcement for a Spanish class, so I listened to the stream while I waited for him to arrive.  When he arrived, we decided to go to the site on SL9B and we stood a little bit away from the class while we listened.

At the end of the class, the teacher said hello to us and started chatting with us.  Mostly in Spanish.  Impy admitted to the teacher that he is a native speaker and he was just there to accompany me and that I was learning Spanish.  Afterwards, the teacher friended us both.

A while ago, he mentioned a wish that we would go out as a couple and have friends as a couple and all that.  I resisted because these alts were supposed to be private, so we would have quiet time together.  To have friends meant that people would intrude on our quiet time.  And besides, being active publicly would increase the risk that we would meet someone who had met my other alts and, therefore, because of my "rule," I would have to admit that they know me.

But after the conversation with the teacher, I understood what he meant.  There's that special feeling that comes with being seen and being known as a couple.



Making plans

I rarely wore white.  I kinda avoided it.  It was too "bridal" for me.  But when he and I starting being a couple, I found myself wearing white dresses.  Well, they were common among summer freebies.  And somehow, it felt right to wear them.

I also noticed that, with Alt#24, I tended to wear these elegant knee-length dresses.  When he first met Alt#24, he asked how I would describe her and I chose the word "regal" and he agreed.  Switching her from medieval to modern was a bit difficult without duplicating the styles of my other alts.  Then somehow, she ended up with elegant knee-length dresses.

Once, I brought it up in conversation, wondering if he wanted me to dress her a bit more seductively, because she was beginning to look more wife-y.

[2012/05/31 17:01:07] 


Alt#24: I have a question for you, actually.

Impy#2: shoot!

Alt#24: Somehow, [Alt#24] feels more ... cultured.
Alt#24: Less slutty than most of my alts.
Alt#24: Even Opal.

Impy#2: :) that's good

Alt#24: ok
Alt#24: Because I worry that you want more sexyness like [Alt#6].
Alt#24: But with [Alt#24], I feel more like a wife than a mistress.

Impy#2: you got the point perfectly... and i LOVE that feeling

The man says all the right things!

[2012/05/31 17:09:28]

Impy#2: .... i love that point of 'no slutty' from [Alt#24]

Alt#24: /me smiles.... ok

Impy#2: but!!!  remember the proverb!

Alt#24: A lady in public and a whore in bed?

Impy#2: lol
Impy#2: that's it!

For our ritual, he was visualizing a beach setting.  He had seen a white summer dress, but I thought it wasn't well-made so I said I'd just make one myself.

Around that time, I took him to the Hollywood sim and it occurred to me that we could do our ritual on a boat.  And there were reasons why:


Most sims in SL disappear after a while and, when there are strong emotions associated with a place, the disappearance of the place is very disturbing.  If we did our ritual on a boat, it didn't depend where we were.  We could have our boat in any water in SL.  And we both could have a copy of the boat so that, when I missed him, I could just rez one.



But as we talked about other things that we needed, it felt like we were making compromises.  He had found a speedboat that he liked.  That meant I would have to wear something like a white bikini to go with the theme.  He said he just wanted me to wear "something vaporous" and he would wear something casual in white.  Then I realized that we couldn't even kiss because, if both of us stood up, the boat would go back to his inventory.


Then a couple of days ago, he took me to an island to see a castle.  When I saw it, I knew I had seen it once before, but I don't know when or which alts.  However, he was almost certain he had not shown it to me before, and he said, "this is one of my...'secret' places."

[2012/06/26 18:14:59]

Alt#24: I think you have taken me here before, my love.

Impy#2: really?  if it's so, it's because you were special from the very beginning..:D  i never took anybody here

(Did I mention the man always says the right things?)

The castle

Anyway, he seemed to really want to do our ritual there.  I explained why I preferred the boat; I explained the transience of places in SL; I explained how my sentimentality for significant places cause great pain when those places are gone.  And he understood because he reads my blog religiously.  And he read my book.

So, as he often does, he let me have my way.  (You see why I love the man dearly?)  And we decided that we would explore that sim and the surrounding sims for our "honeymoon" instead.



Well, after a short attempt, I decided that two days was not enough to create a special outfit from scratch.  Then I remembered a time when he showed me a blog with a picture of a woman wearing silks.  He didn't know what silks signified or who wore them.  All he knew was that they looked very beautiful.

So I did a search in the Marketplace for "silks" and found an outfit that I once wanted to get for another alt.  And it was perfect for another reason.  Impy and I once talked about a roleplay alt whose name was based on a Greek myth; that's when I learned he had an interest in ancient Greek mythology as well.  And he had loved the toga I wore for my 5th rez day anniversary pictures.

This one had the beautiful folds like the toga.  It looks very medieval and beautifully so.  It was a silk but it had additional attachments to cover the legs more so it looks more lady-like while remaining sexy.  It was beautifully sculpted.  And absolutely romantic.

Of course, I didn't show it to him but I mentioned that it wouldn't match the speedboat theme.  So I had to search for something he could wear that would match my outfit.  And we found the perfect medieval suit in all white.  So we gave up the speedboat idea (we'd still use it for our honeymoon explorations) and decided to do the ritual in the castle anyway.  :D

Somehow, with him, things just fall into place.  Damn the crazy odds.

The dress from Caverna Obscura.  Taken while waiting for him to log back in, so I was able to play with windlight and shadows.  Now in Flickr.

The groom pacing at the entrance of the castle.  :D  By the time I tp'd over (and crashed, of course), I had already turned down my settings because I was also filming machinima.

The kiss, taken after the vows and after the song and and after the exchange of rings that we made ourselves for each other and while he was busy with the SL partnership proposal.

He's right....  The impossible *is* wonderful.

*sighs happily*

The Impossible happened

"That will be impossible!!!" he laughed.

He was with Alt #6, my most anonymous alt at the time.  I was telling him of my policy to let people know if they meet me as another of my alts.  However, they have to be the ones who initiate a conversation.  I would not approach them.  In fact, I would try to avoid them.

That was when he said it would be impossible because he was shy and he was not likely to say hi to everyone near him.

Actually, it had happened once before.  Only once in my five years in SL.  I had met someone through Alt #6 first, then he IM'd me while I was in Alt #11.  So I had to tell him.  But Alt #11 is still mostly anonymous also.

This time, fate seems to be at work.

I only spent one night with The Impossible (I think I'll call him that).  There was something very unusual about that meeting.  Since my hysterectomy, my orgasms didn't feel as deep as they used to.  But that night, it was though I never had a hysterectomy.  Besides that, everything else was typical of my encounters.

He was open about himself.  I found out his marital status, his age, his birthday, and his job.  We talked about his chosen SL name.

We agreed to meet the next day, but I was two hours late and he had to go.  We agreed on a time for the next day, but he didn't show up.  The day after, I saw him log in, I said "hi," he didn't respond, and he logged off.  I figured that was it.

The next time we communicated was just before Valentine's Day, exactly a month after the last communication.  I decided to clean out my friends list in Alt #6 because I wasn't supposed to have friends there anyway to avoid emotional attachments.  But before I deleted some lovers, I sent them an IM first to explain why.

The Impossible replied in an offline message and said that he understood my reasons.  He wished me the best and he reminded me of my promise to say hi if he meets my other alts in the future.  He added, "It was a great pleasure meeting you, and I really hope to see you again and talk a little."  It was a very heartwarming sentiment but I thought it was very unlikely we would meet again.

That was two weeks ago.

Sometime last year, my real-life friend Dianne invited me to Google+.  Since I limit my real-life Facebook and LinkedIn to family, friends and colleagues, I decided to use G+ for my social networking.  You know, ... when you have people in your friends list whom you don't really know except what they post on their walls.

I found someone who had shared a public circle of SL personas.  So I circled those people.  For a while, I was getting circled more than I can manage.  Then it eventually slowed down because I didn't log in much anymore.

So, when I saw the only circle notification for today, I was shocked.  Stunned really.  It was The Impossible, as his Second Life persona, adding my real-life account to his circles.

I IM'd him in SL and asked how he found me in G+. He admitted that I was in his real-life account's SL circle and he circled those same people in his SL persona's account too.  We decided to meet for a chat in SL, which we did this afternoon.

He was surprised that I knew so much about him; I told him we had met before.  I also told him that I made a promise; he said only one person made that promise to him.  He remembered the experience, but he couldn't remember Alt #6's name or the place where we met.  It took him an hour and a lot of clues from me.

But just imagine the odds of that.  It's mind-boggling.  It's like winning the lottery. I had met him through my most anonymous alt and, only two weeks after I removed him from that friends list, he circled my RL in Google+ without knowing it was me.  From my most anonymous alt directly to real life.

It was as though fate didn't want him off my friends list.  And he said that today felt just like it did when we first met.

I'm still stunned.

Left the pilgrim and echoes of a lover

Left the pilgrim

I already knew about the lies.  I already knew the two pilgrims were lovers.  I also knew that their relationship was a D/s one.  And I knew that the blonde dom had a female lover as well.  However, I also sensed that Alt #11's presence in the sub's life was causing a rift between them.  I didn't trust the dom; he didn't trust me.  I was trying to explain why my presence wasn't good for them, when the sub suddenly started being verbally abusive.  So I said goodbye and logged off.


Echoes of a lover

Since then, I've met two men who have too much in common with Rocky that I had to ask if I had met them before.

Echo #1 met Alt #6.  He's very new to SL and his artistic profile prompted me to IM him.  He was actually a techie.  I was planning to transfer him over to Alt #11 by the second date, but we had a misunderstanding that gave me second thoughts, so I decided to delay the transfer.  He was worried about the disappointment if we should meet irl.  And for him, a relationship in SL*has* to flow out to real life; it couldn't just stay in SL.  So, we agreed to end it there.  I was crying.

Interestingly, I was very upset about it for a few days.  I was upset about the "breakup" for longer than the duration of the affair.  But I knew it wasn't him or that relationship that I was upset about, but old issues cropping up because of it.  And the ache of missing the one he reminded me of.

Echo #2 met Alt #11.  For several reasons that I won't go into, I fear that this one might even be linked closer to Rocky in real life than any of us could imagine.  And he lived in the exact same city where I once lived, and synchronicity like that makes me sit up and pay attention.  When he used an expression that Rocky loves to use, I freaked out.  When I explained that it was an expression a lover uses, Echo #2 said he wouldn't use it again.

That first night, he wanted to be one of my lovers.  We even did a roleplay of him filling out an application and of me interviewing him for the position.  On the second date, I bought one of his RL photographs for my art collection, then we explored a monastery and a castle, then we made love.

But I couldn't feel a connection, even though I tried.  It felt as though there was a psychological wall.  He was nice, he was polite, but there was no emotional openness.  I suspect he's still deeply in love with his ex-partner, whom he says is now married in real life.  They were still business partners in SL until the next day after our second date.  He said that she wanted to get out of the rental business and so he took over the land she owns.  I wondered if he had told her about me, which prompted her decision to untangle.

We were supposed to meet again tonight, but he stood me up.  I logged in at 9pm and wrote him an offline at 10:30pm.  At 11pm, as I was about to log off, he replied to my offline via email and said he had just arrived home. Now, I have second thoughts about this one too.


I'm pretty sure it's me.  I just don't have that fire anymore.  Maybe it's the hysterectomy.  Maybe I really don't have time or patience to start over with new lovers, because I have more pressing real-life needs.  Maybe what I really need these days is not the excitement of a new affair, but solace from an old love.

If only the old loves would log back in.




"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away..."

Choices

For someone who is not religious, I have a lot of beliefs, most of which are not particularly mainstream either.

And two of them come into play these days....

1.
Many years ago, my youngest sister recommended the book "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. I don't remember why she did. It was the only new age book she ever recommended to me.

The theory of the book is that our souls belong to soul groups or soul families that keep reincarnating together. (Of course, this assumes that one believes in souls and reincarnation.) The roles and gender may change, but the connection remains. Before we come back to earth for a new life, we make mutual contracts with other souls in our soul group to help us learn whatever lesson we choose to learn in that lifetime. And there would be something, maybe even seemingly innocuous, that would help our soul recognize that other soul. When the contract is fulfilled, we then part ways until the next lifetime.

If that theory is true, I've come up with a corollary to it.

I believe that, when we are attracted to someone, it's because our soul is recognizing one of those souls that we have a contract with. And when we fall in love, we aren't falling in love with that person for the first time. We have loved them from eternity, and we will continue to love them till eternity. Falling in love is just a remembering of that eternal love.


2.
I also believe in synchronicity, in fate, in predetermination. We *perceive* free will only at a certain level. It's just like how we perceive solids to be impenetrable, when we know that there are huge spaces between the atomic particles. Or just like how we perceive our individuality, our separation from each other. I would even argue that the choices we think we're making in the name of free will is predetermined. It's just another effect after a long string of causes. Or maybe a web of causes.

Some of those causes may be psychological because of some past experience; some may be contextual because of the current situation. Sometimes, we might not even be aware of what those causes are. But, ultimately, fate narrows our choices to one, long before we have to make the decision.


Many people could not grasp the idea that I could honestly and deeply love more than one man at a time. Actually, it was a man who questioned it. The idea of monogamy -- or, more specifically, serial monogamy -- has been so ingrained in our culture. People understand having multiple sexual partners, but they cannot understand multiple romantic relationships.

How can you love just one child if you have several, I asked him. He said, this was different; this was a romantic relationship.

But, in some cases, it isn't just a romantic relationship. Or a romantic-and-sexual relationship. In some cases, it's a spiritual relationship, manifesting as a romantic relationship in this lifetime and expressed as a sexual relationship.

And I don't love them as a group, as a celebrity would love their fans as a group. I deeply love each of them individually and differently. Because each of them is different. And the dynamic of each relationship is different.

Loving one child does not diminish our love for another child. Love for one parent does not diminish our love for another parent. Love for one sibling does not diminish our love for another sibling. Love for one friend does not diminish our love for another friend.

Love as an emotion is not a zero-sum game. However, a lifetime is. And so we prioritize and make choices. And the mores of this society demand that we commit to only one mate at a time.


Most of my lovers are married in real life. There was no way the relationship was going outside of Second Life, although I tried once. One unmarried lover admitted he didn't really love the real me.

So I was left with one choice. We had so much synchronicity in our real lives that I thought he would be it. There were so many near-misses -- opportunities where we could have met, but we didn't. And synchronously, we met after his divorce, when we were both free. But his work took him away so often that I rarely heard from him. But the times when I did were so sweet.

The door was only slightly ajar, just enough for me to peek in, but not enough to let me through, though I've tried to push my way in. I had hoped that one day synchronicity would fully open it for me. After all, synchronicity brought us this far, so I figured it was just a matter of time.

Then I met 6969, and another door opened. And it opened wide. The intensity of his emotions created a vortex that was very hard to resist. Even with all my BUT's. It wasn't the future I imagined I would have. After all, I had given up the dreams of my youth. But there it was. He had answers to all my objections.

Fate narrows our choices to one.


But I am also aware that fate is fickle.


6969 wants forever. From this earthly perspective, there is no forever. But, from a higher perspective, he already has that. From a higher perspective, I love him from eternity until eternity.

The good news is that, from this earthly perspective, there is exclusivity and I give him that. From a higher perspective, there is none. I have met many soulmates in this lifetime before I met him, and I love each of them from eternity until eternity.

And from an even higher perspective, there is no concept of exclusivity at all. Because, from that perspective, there is no "other" to be exclusive with.

Serendipity in SL

I met Martin at Old Salt's Pub last November. I hadn't seen him again until today at a live performance in Menorca. While I was chatting with him, Rokke joined me at the table I was sitting at and said hi. So I was juggling two IMs and checking out Rokke's profile at the same time.

Well, it turned out that Rokke is an Italian musician. And, as I asked him about it, Martin mentioned in the other IM window that his friend Nyna, who owns the Dragon Moon, is looking for good musicians who might be interested in performing there and he's helping her do that.

Well, to make a long story short, I created a conference and introduced the two of them. And, by the end of the conversation, Martin had forwarded Rokke's name to Nyna.

How's that for synchronicity?