Damn oxytocin

I warned him about oxytocin, even before we met irl. He said he wouldn't be affected; he worried more about me. I told him that I had to allow it to do its work. Without it, I wouldn't even have agreed to meet him. And I wanted to experience him.

At first, I thought I could control it. The experience was wonderfully comfortable, not uncontrollably crazy.

But when we went back to our normal lives, my insecurities started coming out again. And the doubts came. Strongly. Suddenly, I felt that familiar fight-or-flight panic.

The RP had stopped. I tried to restart it a few times, but each time, the RP just faded or didn't even start at all. Our conversations suddenly shriveled to a very short chat before he fell asleep.

Had he lost interest? Should we even plan to meet again? Am I being played?

Logically, everything seemed fine. He had work issues to deal with, so I expected he would be very busy. But, when we voiced the other night, I asked him anyway. His answer was immediate and sincere.

He said that, before that weekend, the RP was very exciting. But after that weekend, the RP lost its luster, compared to our real life meeting. My heart melted.

I understood what he meant. I had in fact wondered how the RL meeting would affect my virtual sex life. Two weeks ago, virtual was all I needed, virtual was what I preferred.

Suddenly, I've become hungry for physical touch. Not just anybody's touch, but his touch. His hugs. His cuddles. His caresses.

There was a certain quality in how he held me that I didn't expect from someone so young. It felt like a claiming. He claimed my body, without tentativeness as though I was naturally his, and yet without possessiveness either.

Most men flatter with words and gifts. He flattered me with his fingertips exploring my skin, his arms wrapped tight around me, his body pressed against me, his legs entwined around mine. He flattered me in such a way that I forgot who I am.

*sigh*

It was supposed to be just a booty call.

Damn oxytocin. I lost control.

Enjoy now; define later

He made it sound like it was a common occurrence for everyone else.

"This is my first time to read a book with the author lying next to me.... With my hand between her thighs."

No, sweetie, I don't usually lie in bed with everyone who reads my book while they read it. ;)

I suppose it's just one of the possible things to do when you're spending an intimate weekend with someone you meet for the first time in real life.

The whole weekend felt very comfortable and familiar. As though I've done this with him before. Kinda deja vu, but not as mysterious or dramatic. There's just a certain way about how he touched me and held me, that I couldn't have imagined from our SL interactions.

It wasn't perfect. He had his insecurities (that I know about) and I have mine (that he doesn't know about). It didn't have the emotional intensity of my RL meetings with other lovers. After all, we had been lovers in SL for just two weeks. But it was very nice anyway.

And we each agreed we'd like to do it again. The question is whether it would be worth the expense, the time out of our busy lives, and the long drives (three hours for me and five hours for him, each way).

We continue to be lovers (and RP spies) in SL, but what are we in real life? Close friends? Booty calls? Cuddle buddies? Lovers? Whatever it is, it is definitely only short-term, for many reasons. So, maybe it doesn't really matter what we are.

I'll just enjoy it now and define it later. :)


DISCLAIMER: I don't encourage people to take the risks I do. I knew Agent A's RL identity before he knew mine. There were things he said about himself and things about the way he behaved towards me that made me believe I could trust him. I've met other lovers alone before, and each experience proved to be wonderful. But I have known them for much longer. So, meeting Agent A (someone whom I met inworld only a couple of months ago) was very risky from a personal safety standpoint. Please understand that, just because I do it, it doesn't mean it is wise, even though it turned out fine. Evaluate your risks carefully.

Nine years and more firsts

It's almost anti-climactic. It's about 5pm Pacific Time as I write this, and I just realized Opal is 9 years old today.

August may yet again prove to be significant in changing my SL. However, at the moment, things still feel uncertain.

It didn't help that my external hard drive crashed and it had most of my files. I kept meaning to back up them up online, but life happened and I never found the time. Now, it feels like I lost an arm.

I've had to recompile some data and download others from email and other sources. But the originals, like textures in high resolutions, might be gone. I'm at the mercy of Seagate's Data Recovery department.


The possible good thing is that I lost my to-do list too. And it was particularly long. So, this mishap somehow feels like a fresh start. I may have lost an arm, but I've also lost my shackles. The tasks are still there to be done, but, if I can't remember them, then my priority list is shorter. Somehow, that also helps me focus on what's really important.

Trying to find my bearings and getting organized again after that mishap lost a lot of time that I would have used in more productive things. So I missed the opportunity to release appliers for Yabusaka's mermaid tail at the same time the tail was released. And I didn't have time to recruit more service providers to create listings in AvaHyr.com, which I established in July. Both of these are still high in my priority list, in addition to my real-life job search. So they'll still happen, but in a more relaxed schedule.


And then there's Agent A. He became "Agent A" when he said "psst" and the spy roleplay started. I met him two months ago, and I told him that I preferred he remained my friend for a long time than be a lover for a short time. He agreed. Besides, I was still recovering from Wolfgang. But the RP kept going in that direction; blame it on my nature. :)  So, a week ago, I changed my mind.

This might sound typical for me. But not really ...

Because of one detail.... Next week, I meet him in real life. This would be the first time I'd meet a lover irl while the affair is going on in SL.

And another detail.... Just call me Stella, and I'm getting my groove back.