Too little, too late

Nesting

I had been feeling very disillusioned with SL the past year or so. It was like the Utopia that we had been trying to build had finally lost its wonder. It feels just like another RL now. And my soul is rebelling.

When I reread some chat logs that weren't lost to nothingness when my hard drive crashed, I started to feel emotions again. I started to sense that wonder again. Not as much as it used to be, but at least the fog is starting to clear.

I'm getting tired of empty platforms in the sky that were built for work.

I'm getting tired of the same venues that I visit for dances.

I'm getting tired of doing the same things over and over again.

I missed creating. I missed building my own space. Not one for my store, but one for me.

The last time I remember building a space for myself was during my first week in SL when I bought my first parcel. After that, I built spaces to share with partners. And the only spaces I built for myself were empty bland white platforms for working in.

So I started leasing a parcel. Just for me.

Paradise Lost

I looked at several configurations of parcels. I saw sims divided into squares, sims cut up like a pizza pie, sims with round islands. I ended up with a rectangle. Unfortunately, it reminded me of the last parcel I decorated for my pairs with Wolfgang. A month before we broke up.

I made that parcel with a beach, waterfalls, trees. I created it very quickly. I was very inspired.

And I missed that old parcel, even though we had it for only a month.

Maybe that's why I was attracted to this new parcel. Because it's just like the old one.

When the past knocks

I remembered Wolfgang's birthday. Before that, I remembered his alt's rez day, the anniversary of the day I met him. Both times, I remained silent.

He hated being reminded of his birthday, and he's always in a bad mood. But the previous year, he felt bad when his friends didn't remember. I wasn't going to be one of those who'd greet him this year, I thought.

Besides, I felt raw and vulnerable with everything else going on. Why open that door again?

But, a couple of days later, I woke up and found offline messages in my emails. "Hello Opal," he IM'd. "I hope you are fine."

Well, after reading that, not anymore!!!

I was crying as I prepared for work. All the pain came back. All the self-pity. All the anger.

My whole day was a blur. His words intruded my thoughts. What did he want?

I responded when I got home. I thought he would be in bed already, but he logged in and responded.

It was a strange conversation that went around in circles. Like our old conversations. I kept asking, "What do you want?" but he kept beating around that.

Finally, he explained that he was feeling grumpy (as usual) on his birthday, and he thought of searching for news about me. He wondered if I left SL. So he perved the profiles of my alts that he knows about, including the sleeping ones that were exclusive to him. Then when he read Alt#27's profile, he felt sad.

It took me a long time to convince him to create an alt for her to get privacy away from his other lovers. But he still refused to partner them. When we put them to sleep, he still refused to partner them. But now he wants to "repair that unfairness" and partner them.

WTF?

I ran away from very harsh words that broke my heart more than anyone ever had in SL. Why would I want another connection with him?

Besides, they're dead! They have been for a year. What's the point?

Why raise up the ghosts that would bring nothing but pain?

If he wanted to repair any unfairness, why only that? He had been unfair to me by several magnitudes more, and it would take a lifetime for him to resolve that imbalance. He is offering me nothing but a morsel, and it is a bitter morsel.

Still, I was touched that he held on to something before that painful fight. I told him I needed at least a year to recover, then I could be a friend to him again. And he noted the date. Meanwhile, after that last argument, I wrote him off, entirely out of my life.

So I befriended him again. And I hugged him while we talked about his partnership proposal and almost argued again about old issues.

But he couldn't give me a good reason for the delayed partnership. It would mean nothing to me now. And logging Alt#27 back in could open the emotional floodgates even more. It's even more dangerous now that I'm feeling raw and vulnerable.

He kept trying to convince me until I finally asked him, "How important is this to you?"

He paused.

Then he said, it's a tricky question. Because, if he said it was very important to him, I'd do it just for him and that creates a greater imbalance.

*sigh*  I have a feeling this topic would come up again.

Two drifters ... off to see the world

I don't remember exactly when I purchased my first plot in Dunbeath, but the picture below was taken on June 2009, so it was probably around that time. That pelican chasing after a (mermaid) tail has been there until today.

I cleaned the parcel today and I will abandon it back to Linden Lab before end of day tomorrow.

I had been thinking of moving a long time ago for several reasons, but none of them were compelling enough.

• Most people purchase in the Marketplace now. Unlike furniture and buildings, there's really no value in looking at another flat picture of a mermaid tail on a prim versus looking at the same flat picture on the web.
• I don't sell enough to pay for my monthly tier anymore.
• The sim just north of me turned from a beautiful Japanese landscape visited by beautiful geishas in kimonos into humongous skyboxes stacked one on top of each other. So, no matter what elevation I put a platform at, one of these ugly skyboxes is always in my view.

But what attracted me specifically to this area is the river and the neighboring parcels.

• I love the energy of a wide river running between two steep hillsides. There's something romantic about that configuration.
• My neighbor to the east (behind the trees in the picture below) is a recreation of Frank Lloyd Wright's "Fallingwater" house. The parcel was "claimed" in December 2007, but I don't know when the home was recreated. I just realized now that most of the prims show Alex Bader (Skye Studio) as the creator. Must have been one of his early projects.
• Across the water is a fishing town where I took the second photograph of my 365-project.

On a personal note, I have many sweet memories associated with this parcel.

• The first time Impy met Opal inworld was under a tree near the top of the hillside.
• My alt and Wolfgang's alt partnered here under a gazebo that I modified from the lighthouse. I wanted to replace the gazebo and the lighthouse for a while now, but Wolfgang showed some sentimentality about the gazebo at one point, and that's unusual for him, so I kept it. But that's not a strong enough reason to keep it anymore.

I'm doing a lot of things impulsively these past couple of months. It's as though my mind has finally taken command after my heart broke. "We're cutting our losses," it says. "Sentimentality be damned."

I'm keeping the good memories. But I'm cutting myself free. I'm preparing myself for the next phase in my virtual life, whatever that phase may be.

/me sings, "Two drifters... off to see the world...."



PS: I moved my store to a rented parcel in a homestead. It saves me a few dollars a month, although I have much less prim allowance. But I like the space and the flexibility.

Land shifts

I'm moving... both in SL and in RL.

Actually, my SL moves have already occurred.  If only RL moves were as easy.

Skull Mountain

I had been thinking of lowering my tier and the easiest way to do it is by giving up the quarter sim in Fendahl.  When I was still thinking of moving Mer Betta there, I didn't know how to build the ground level, but I saw a build in an RFL fair that would be perfect.  It was a mountain island with rocks shaped like a skull and a cove with a pirate ship in it.  So I talked to the creator who was very gracious and told me where to get the sculpt maps for the skull and he even gave me the texture that he created for it.  I decided to make my own texture so I could match it with the other rocks that I wanted. That was where I filmed my first Mer Betta ad.

A stereoscopic pair showing Skull Mountain. The platform was temporarily installed for my 5th rez day anniversary.

Anyway, I met Micah in July 2010 soon after I bought that parcel.  She was a friend of the previous owner, and she logged in on the parcel when I was building it. So I asked her first if she wanted to take it over, because the land had sentimental value to her.  Otherwise, I would just abandon the land to Gov Linden.  She wanted it, and so I transferred the land to her on the 20th of the month.  (My tier is charged every 21st of the month.)  I gave her copies of the objects that I could transfer, including the skull and the elephants on top of the skull.  I left some of my things that I couldn't transfer until she could purchase them herself.

A view of the west from the south side of Skull Mountain.

Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to move my tier down because most of my lands were deeded to groups in order to get more prim allowance.  So I had to give up two more parcels in Aglia that were given to me as gifts.  Now, I'm down to just my parcels in Aglia and Zeuzera (including my very first 512 sqm plot) and the parcel in Dunbeath where I have the Mer Betta store, the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, and the recording studio for "Talk, Like Dim Sum".

A home with Wolfgang

I don't remember how the conversation started about finding a new home, but I got nervous about Alt #27 and Alt #32 being associated with Opal/Treasure and my RL.  So, we decided (actually, it was more my decision) to find a place that was really our own.  Not just mine.

In a sense, it was a good decision, because I had to give up the parcel we were on anyway.

The first parcel was a beautiful location in the water but the owner was a jerk, because he wanted us to pay for the prims of an ugly build that he refused to remove.  I was pissed.  Wolfgang was more sympathetic to the owner (which pissed me off even more), so I told him to deal with the owner himself.  I wanted to leave; he wanted to work it out.  I asked him if he was attached to the land and he replied that he wasn't attached to material things.  I said I'd rather be homeless than deal with jerks like that owner.  It was that statement that prompted him to say, "ok ok ... let's leave."  And we started picking up our things.

I wanted to just let the rent expire, because we figured the owner wouldn't refund us the difference anyway.  But W wanted to be polite, so he informed the landlord when I refused to.  The landlord later replied, proving himself even more of a jerk.  W finally conceded that it was a good idea to get as far away as possible from people like that.

At first I couldn't understand why W wanted to stay so bad that he and I fought about it.  Then I realized there were two reasons -- he himself deals with renters, and it was the first home that was truly equally ours.  Like his comment about making plans about the future, giving up a jointly shared home probably made him nervous about our future together.  In a sense, he was fighting for our future together.

Anyway, we went back to a private-sim parcel that we saw earlier and we started building it, avoiding the use of Opal's stuff and searching for freebies and cheapies instead.  The ground level is practically done.



Meanwhile, I keep sorting and packing for my RL move ....

7 days

It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.

"you are mine"

Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.

When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".

The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"

As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".

At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.

"i prefer he is your lover than another"

Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.

And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.

I hardly see Rapido anymore.

At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.

Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".

I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."

He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."

His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".

He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".

a birthday gift

The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.

After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.

A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.

I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.

Well, needless to say, we argued again.

This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.

I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.

I told him I'd decide the next day.

I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.

I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above

He replied with "Yes I wish".

In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.

During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....

tracker redux

"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."

I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.

It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.

But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.

So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.

So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.

packing the past

Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.

But the countdown had ended.

So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.

I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.

He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.

He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.

It's the natural way

"thinking that i have to fix my profile... so probably soon you will receive a partnership proposal :D"

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Actually, my first reaction was "omg."

He just laughed and asked rhetorically, "why? [Isn't] that what we are? partners?"

Well, he's right... we are. I already took his last name in my display name. We already set up a place of our own. Our alts are exclusive to each other. The longer we are together, the deeper the emotions go.

But he thinks that it's just a matter of announcing to the world that we're partners.

That's true, but a formal partnership means much more for me. I explained that I considered partnership as something equivalent to being engaged irl, but that I made an exception with alts, particularly alts that were dedicated to a lover. So that original "meaning" now only applies to Opal.

At the same time, I've been partnered only once, and it was only symbolic because we put those alts to sleep immediately after. So, in practice, I never experienced being partnered, except for that one night last February when mfpwtff and I woke up those alts for a dance to celebrate our third anniversary.

If Impy and I would partner our alts, it would be his first ever partnership and my first partnership that is "living", as opposed to sleeping.

Impy#2: lol, ok, understand perfect now. so i will not offer you partnership till we make an small ritual, like go into the black sea naked and exchange flowers between us.... something like that, symbolic
Alt#24: lmao
Impy#2: XDDD
Alt#24: So we'll have to find a black sea in SL....?
Impy#2: lol, or something similar... but crazy, different and funny! an act to join [Impy#2] and [Alt#24]

We won't do it yet, because Venus is retrograde, and I'm superstitious that way. And we can't invite our friends, unfortunately, because these are our private alts, so the ritual will only be with the two of us.

And, of course, I would have doubts....

Alt#24: You didn't say it because you think it's what I wanted, did you?
Impy#2: nooo, i just said it because i think it's the natural way between [Impy#2] and [Alt#24].

There we go.... It's the natural way. :D

Nesting... in a tree

A glass house... a New York studio apartment... a ship... These were homes I had shared with lovers.

The glass house is now a gallery of sorts for my morphing portraits. The last time I called it "home" was in my first month in SL. The NY studio (Alt #9's home) is back in another alt's inventory, and the ship (RP alt's home) will be back in my inventory this week.

Opal's home is set to my work loft, which is mostly bare. After all, when I'm alone, I work. And I'm mostly alone.

But I'm nesting again. This time in a tree. A tree house to be precise. On a floating island. It would be the home of my RP alt and her new elven lover.



There is something very heartwarming about setting up a home with a lover. There's a sacredness to it. And as time goes on, the place is imbued with meaning and sentiment because of the moments you share in it.

I've had to sell the parcel where the ship was and I sent an email to the Captain to let him know that he would have to pick up his objects. But when I went there to gather up my objects back into my inventory, I became intensely emotional and I literally could not take anything back. So, instead, I moved the ship next door to the same parcel as my work loft, and sent the Captain a new message to move the objects instead. Of course, I forgot to turn off the auto-return, so his objects were returned to him anyway.

The NY studio wasn't as difficult, probably because all the objects were mine, so I could easily just rez it if I miss that time in my life. But the Captain owned the gardenia bushes and those had a predominant presence on the ship. It just isn't the same without those gardenias. I don't really want to bother him to come back into SL to set them out, just because I'm feeling sentimental. So, I'll be taking the whole ship back into my inventory to free up prim space.

Hopefully, I won't be feeling sentimental for a long time, because I'd be too busy creating new sentiments in this new home.