Fight or flight

The bet

August 14, 2012. Impy was talking about Guild Wars 2. It was supposed to come out on August 28 and he was excited about it.

[2012/08/14 16:59:16]
Alt#24: After you buy GW2, I won't see much of you anymore.
    That's where your time will go.
Impy2: no, i dont think so
    i will not go fully into GW2
Alt#24: I should make a bet.
Impy2: lol, you will loose
Alt#24: I think you'll be too tired to come into SL.
Impy2: no, this is 'diferent', it is not a game
Alt#24: And after your eyes get accustomed to the great graphics in GW1, you will not want to come  back to SL.
Impy2: laughs
    XDDD  no way
Alt#24: Make the bet then!
Alt#24: Okay.
    Here's my bet.
    By October, you will drop down to once or twice a week in SL.
Impy2: nope
Alt#24: Make the bet and I'll track it.
Impy2: what do you want to bet?
Alt#24: 1,000L
    You can afford that.
Impy2: :D ok
Alt#24: ok ... Deal.
Impy2: deal
Alt#24: One day, my darling, you'll learn never to make a bet with a Filipina.
Impy2: haha :D

November 9, 2012. Impy logged in after my presentation at the Non-Profit Commons. He had logged in a week before, but we didn't log into our dedicated alts then. This time, we did.

[2012/11/09 10:28:20]
Second Life: [Impy2] paid you L$1000.
Alt#24: What's that for?
Impy2: remember our "bet"?
Alt#24: I forgot.
Impy2: :) laughs.
Alt#24: What was the bet?
Impy2: don't remember..."I bet you will log less and less....till  one day in the week
Alt#24: oh
Impy2: i said no...
Impy2: you won :S
Alt#24: In that case, you owe me another 4000L

I won that bet because that's typical in my Second Life. Lovers fading away. Some disappear without a word. Some fall away, but they keep in touch by email, until eventually the emails disappear too. Some *do* return. Rapido did. And now, Impy did too. Even Yes Man had contacted me recently and we had a brief chat by disembodied IM to catch up on news with each other.

In the past, I figured I would always be abandoned. I have abandonment issues and they say that you would always get the same lessons in life until you learn them. I imagined that was the lesson I had to keep learning.

After all, I was always the one who was more immersed in SL. And my lovers were more focused on their RL. So it was only natural that I'd be the one left behind.

In fact, that was how I viewed every lover. He was just there for a short time and, eventually, he'd fade away. I could bet on it with confidence....

I don't think about to leave you

Later that same afternoon, I saw Wolfgang#2 logged in when it was already very late for him. He said he was on his way to bed. I asked for a hug before he goes to bed; he declined. I was very disappointed.

I imagined he was with his sub, and I felt bad that he spent the whole evening with her, but I couldn't even get five minutes for a hug. After he logged off, I couldn't focus so I logged my social alt and went to Frank's. I hid in a corner while listening to the music and working on other things outside SL. I said hi to a friend and another friend caught me. The second one proposed RL sex after finding out that we actually live near each other. I declined. He's less than half my age.

The next day, Wolfgang asked how my day was, as usual. And I mentioned taking my social alt out and the conversation with the young friend. I also mentioned that I spent a little time with Impy and that he's back. Then he asked me how Rapido was, and I said he was fine but I hadn't seen him for a while either.

[2012/11/10 02:26:25]
Alt#32: It's been just you for a long time.
Wolfgang#4: yes i know ... but it looks to change soon
Alt#32: I don't know.
Wolfgang#4: i think it will anyway as you show the wish it does
Alt#32: How do I show the wish?
Wolfgang#4: because all that, the dance with [social alt], the impy around, rapido too

I told him that I didn't really dance. I was just standing in the corner. Then I explained, "Sometimes, I just need to be around crowds because I feel lonely. And sometimes I feel lonely and rejected when I can't even get a five minute hug."

And the argument started.

I tried to appease him. I tried to prove I was thinking of him even as I stood at Frank's because a song played by the DJ made me think of him. He continued to think I was trying to make him jealous, simply because I didn't get a hug. I was trying to explain that it was just a slight disappointment and I went out to soothe myself.

I kept repeating what I said in so many ways. It was as though he wasn't listening or he didn't believe me. At one point, I felt like the argument was going nowhere, and I said, "I am at a point where I am seriously thinking of giving up." I was seeing red.

And that became another point of contention.

The argument continued through email the next day. Even while he was at a family gathering.

I said, "I always believed that love should be the only reason to be with another person. Maybe I’m a romantic idealist. I’ve wanted to run away because of our differences. I stayed because I love you. But, if my love for you is not a good enough reason, then what reason is there to stay?"

He replied, "I always believed that when you love someone, you don't have to search a reason to stay, because then, you don't wish to leave. And i believe that when you wish to leave, the meaning is that you don't love that much, or not that much anymore. ...

" Love is a good reason to not leave someone, it is just so bad that some reasons need to be found to decide to stay. ... Romantic words are words, reality is reality. ... You, the romantic, want to leave because [of] 2 argues and our differences. ... Me ,the not romantic, was here and stayed here without thinking about to leave, although our argues, although our differences which are for me constructive and not a problem. ... You, you say to me you love me. I, I don't think about to leave you."

My own reply was much longer, but essentially, "Running away doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Sometimes, it just means I am feeling more pain than I can handle. I can deal with arguments; arguments can be logical. I have a very difficult time dealing with emotional pain, because emotional pain often irrational. Feeling jealous is irrational. Feeling rejected just because I didn’t get a hug is irrational. ...

"You get hurt because of the argument. I’m already hurt before the argument starts. For me, the argument is like pulling out the arrow and cleaning the wound. It hurts more, but it’s necessary for healing. ...

"The will is not stronger than love; the will gets its strength from love. When I say I love you, I am saying that my love powers my will to stay and it overrides my impulse to run away from the pain. That impulse is the fight-or-flight instinct. When I cannot fight anymore, my instinct is to flee. But fleeing would not make you happy, so I stay."

We had a couple more exchanges by email before we met inworld again. And we made up.

But this argument has opened my eyes. As he says, I look for a reason to stay, but the thought of leaving me never even occurred to him. If he's right, maybe the impulse to flee is also triggered by fear. Fear of commitment. Fear of the relationship going further than I am prepared to go.

Somehow, a shift happened inside my brain. Somehow, I see him differently now.

Maybe I should save my Lindens. I'm not making any bets with this one.

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
― Dr. Seuss

97 exclamation points

Three "I love it"'s.  Four OMG's.  Ninety-seven exclamation points.

I love how expressive the man is.  :D  Every woman should have a big fan like him.


 I had sent him a video I filmed a couple of weeks ago (but processed only last night) with Alt#24 doing a belly dance using one of Torley's Big Sun windlight settings.

It's a private video because it's a gift for him. (No, Alt#24 was not naked.)  But I'll ask him if he's okay with me re-posting it here.

(He said yes, I can re-post it here, but I have to find music that works well with it, without using YouTube's music.)

"you complete me"

"you complete me and i really need you"

That's what Impy said today.  He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails.  Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice.  Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.

I figured he was fading away.  Real life was pulling him away.  That's how most of my relationships end.  I was expecting the worst.  My heart was breaking.

But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming.  He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.

I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises.  I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.

He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago.  It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang.  I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied.  And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody.  I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed.  The man fills my cup to overflowing.


This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot.  But our relationship is more stable this past week.

The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to.  But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel.  Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM.  He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.

The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.

Something strange happened last Thursday though.  He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work.  Then he got naked.  And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness.  Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words).  So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.

It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness.  It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long.  He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.


Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again.  I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god!  The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish.  This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.

Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL.  I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.

Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend.  Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities.  :)

Ain't no sunshine

I was entertaining an out-of-town friend this weekend.  When I told Impy that I couldn't meet with him Saturday because of that, I sensed disappointment in the very brief pause.

So when he sent me this link (which I saw on Saturday evening), of course, my heart melted.

When I came back Sunday night, I got two surprise gifts from him.  I was stunned.

We had talked about going public with our relationship, but I'm having second thoughts now.  If everybody knew who the wonderful Impy is, some women out there (or men in female avatars) might try to steal him away.  Do I want that risk?   ;)

Examining the bar

I was ready to send Wolfgang an email last night to tell him I was ready to meet.  Then I realized that I was "ready," only because I miss him.  I still had no resolution to bring to the table.

A long time ago, I heard of a study of couples, done by John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict which newly weds would divorce based on micro-expressions on the couple's faces that are not visible to the human eye, but can be clearly seen on slow-motion video.

And as I was looking it up, I found this video of John Gottman himself, talking about building trust.



Around 3:10, he talks about CLalt (Comparison Level for Alternatives), where he said:

"Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner, of building resentment rather than gratitude, of lower investment in the relationship, less dependency for getting your needs met, not sacrificing for the relationship, and escalating conflicts so it becomes an absorbing state."

And that hit home.  CLalt was that "bar" that Impy raised.

When I first surrendered to Wolfgang as his sub, he was very reluctant to add Alt#27's name to his profile to say that she is under his protection, as is customary in BDSM circles.  Even though he had other subs, he never placed anybody's name in his profile.  I had to argue that me putting his name on my profile as being protected by him wouldn't hold water if he doesn't confirm it in his own profile.

Impy wanted a partnership, specifically because he wanted my name in his profile officially.

I think I had asked Wolfgang to create an alt just for me since the beginning, but he refused because of his own philosophy about his own alts.  He didn't want a throw-away alt; he didn't want an alt that he would put to sleep after the relationship is over.  So when one of his subs threw a tantrum because he had my name in his profile and not hers, he removed my name.  I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  He argued against it again.  And it was the same time we argued about the tracker as well.  To appease me, he said he didn't definitively say "no."  And eventually, he relented and created an alt, but warned me that he probably won't give that new alt his essence.

When I suggested that Impy create a new alt for me in order for us to have privacy, he did so the very next day.

Wolfgang refuses to explicitly say that he loves me, not in any language.  He said that he prefers to say "I like you," but he never said that to me either.  He said that his actions should be enough.  And yet, one of his former friends started harassing me because she mistook his actions as romantic, instead of platonic.  He pointed out little clues in our RP, but am I supposed to accept his RP as real?

Impy is emotionally expressive.  Not just in his actions, but in his words as well.  I don't remember a day when he forgot to say he loves me, whether in English or in Spanish.

Wolfgang hates to talk by voice. Impy loves to listen to my voice.

Wolfgang never read a single blog post that I wrote.  He picked up my book long ago, but he still hasn't read it. Impy inhaled my blogs and my book, because he was very curious about who I am.

Is it any wonder that my CLalt zoomed upwards?

Granted, I'm not Wolfgang's best lover either.  He says I read things into what he says and I argue too much.

When he mentioned that all his other lovers were devoted to him alone and that I'm the only one with other lovers besides him, I took it as a complaint.  When he talked about starting a diet to lose a few pounds, I took it as an insult about my RL weight.  When he refused to arrange to have someone notify me if anything happened to him, he said that only his family and his RL friends would know when he passed on, and none of his SL friends would, ... well, what right did I have to assume I had at least some importance to him?

He enjoyed "sensuality" like dancing with me half-naked.  When I told him that those things usually aroused me and that I was left frustrated, he indicated that I should be able to find someone to satisfy me, even though I insisted that sex without emotions was not as satisfying and it was always difficult to find a good partner.  I started to tell him about an ex-lover who made a point of arousing me then logging off without satisfying me.  That was when he said that he's not my other lovers.  So I never got the chance to tell him that I broke off that relationship precisely because of that repeated sexual frustration.

I am not ignoring the wonderful things he does for me.  I am not forgetting that he refuses to do something if it doesn't also give me pleasure, that he compliments the work I do, that he gives me his time even while he's working, that he hurries back from lunch because he knows I am waiting, that he has confided in me more than he has confided in most people.

And I cannot dismiss the fact that I love him.  And he has, in fact, become a bit more expressive lately, more tender, more caring.

I still don't know what to do.  If we leave things the way they are, we'll eventually break up and just be friends, which means I'll just ignore him.

Maybe this is just growing pains.  But growing how?  If I'm just another "SL friend," is it worth investing more time and effort in this relationship?

Entrainment

The first time I heard the word "entrainment" was in a documentary, where they illustrated how people tend to walk in the same rhythm after a while.

It happens with me and some very close friends and, of course, with my sister.  We'd be saying the same thing at the same time, several times in a sequence.  Or, I would sense that a scheduled lunch would be delayed or postponed, because I'd have a hard time waking up that morning.

That seems to be happening more with me and Impy these days.  The odd way that we met again was probably the first incidence.  And very often since then, we would be in the same wavelength, typing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts.

And this past week, I've been having visions and "knowings" about him. No, I don't claim to be psychic.  So, we would test my "predictions."

Then, yesterday, he sent me a very sweet email about what I mean to him.  My heart melted, of course.  Later, he explained that, while driving, he suddenly sensed a deep sadness and an urge to hold me in his arms, and that prompted him to send the email.  When he got that feeling, I had already gone to bed.  But he sensed my mood before I went to bed.

I've felt that sensitivity towards other lovers who have been very close to me.  But it's very rare that a man would get that sense about me.

I'm still pragmatic, but, with Impy, I'm learning to expect the unexpected.

Who knows if it's good or bad?

In the book, I retold the Buddhist koan about the farmer and his horse.  No matter what happened to the farmer, he always said, "Who knows if it's good or bad?"

Impy and I had talked about how my other lovers would react if they learned that I was about to be partnered.  He said that if I continued to see them for the same amount of time as I usually did, they didn't have reason to be jealous.  But I knew it was more than that.  Because *I* would change.

[2012/06/26 18:37:12] 

Impy#2: better with Wolfgang?

Alt#24: Yes, we had a very long conversation last night.
Alt#24: I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Alt#24: I think my relationship with him is changing.
Alt#24: Maybe affected by you.

Impy#2: ok, i'm very very glad to hear it, (to hear you are ok with him)
Impy#2: yes? by me????

Alt#24: Long story.
Alt#24: And you have to sleep!
Alt#24: tomorrow

Impy#2: :D  damm!!!!

Alt#24: LOL
Alt#24: Okay, quick answer....
Alt#24: You raised the bar.

Impy#2: :)

Alt#24: Because of you, I expect more from lovers now.

Last night, I asked Wolfgang for a timeout.  We've been arguing again.  Two days in a row.  And that's only because we didn't meet on Wednesday; otherwise, it would have been more days in a row.  He says I take what he says the wrong way and that's why we have all these arguments.  He admits he also needs to choose to interpret my words the right way.

[2012/07/13 06:20:38]

Alt#27: Something else is wrong, I think.... That's just a symptom.

Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: tell me

Alt#27: I would if I knew what it was.

Wolfgang#3: ok
Wolfgang#3: so what do we do?

Alt#27: How do you feel about being apart for two weeks?

Wolfgang#3: as you wish

We've kinda started using those phrases - "as you wish" to mean we don't like it but we are agreeing anyway, "if you say so" to mean we don't think the same way but we are avoiding an argument.  I started using them and he followed suit.  And those phrases have been appearing more and more in our conversations.  From both sides.

I asked him how he felt about the timeout.  He said he'd better not say.  He felt that his opinion didn't matter in this case, because "you have some need. i can't argue with a need."

But in the end, he admitted that he is angry.  It may seem like a strange reaction, but he once said that anger is all he knows.  He tucks away all other emotions into "boxes" and stores them away.  I said, all those emotions he was tucking away into boxes were actually seeping out as anger.  So they're not as "secure" in boxes as he claims they are.

I asked if it would be better if we shortened the time to one week.  He said that if I needed three weeks, it would be three weeks.

I had been thinking of doing this a long time ago.  But I was worried that, if we did take time away from each other, we would not get back together again.  He said, "I don't know," which usually meant he doesn't want to speculate about the subject.  But it also meant that he thinks there's a chance we would still get back together.

I had to ask him to hide his status from me so my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I see him log in.  He said I would have to defriend him, because he refuses to hide.  And that almost started another argument.



I know I hurt him by asking for those two weeks.  I am very aware that he tries hard to make "us" work.  And it is hard work.  He and I are not as easily compatible as Impy and I are.  But I love him dearly regardless.  And I'm realizing that he probably loves me too, even if he refuses to say it.

I don't know if I can stay away for two weeks. But we have to figure out why the arguments start.  It's probably my fault.  I find insults where there are none.  I find disagreements where it's just a difference in how we express things.  But if these things happen, that means there's something going on in my subconscious.  And I need time away to examine whatever that is.

I'm almost sure it has something to do with the bar that Impy raised.  But, really, there shouldn't be a bar at all....

Lo imposible es maravilloso

[2012/06/28 18:02:19]  Impy: i dont know how express it on english...but
[2012/06/28 18:02:53]  Impy: Estoy muy emocionado, y has conseguido que el corazón se me encoja en un puño y se me rayen los ojos....
[2012/06/28 18:03:03]  Impy: te quiero

He said those words after he watched the machinima I created for today.  The machinima I had been working on since we decided to do this ritual.  The machinima with our pictures together since the day he first met Alt#24, taken by him and by me.  The machinima with the first words we exchanged with each other almost six months ago.  The machinima where I sang a love song just for him.  A love song that I had to record at least twenty times in a span of two weeks, because my voice kept cracking as my own emotions overwhelmed me.

We had just said our vows.



Side by side

When I created the "Heart Gravel" exhibit for the SL9B celebration, there were two sets of hearts with 50 hearts each where people could leave a love note.  I added a dedication, listing most of my lovers, on the root prim of the set of falling hearts.  The other set was a pile of hearts already on the palms of the open hands below.

I also added two extra hearts that were not linked to those sets.  The one I wrote for Impy started with "Mi amor:  Muchas veces, derrites mi corazon. ..." After he saw that, he added his own message in the pile of hearts and, by chance, it ended up on the heart right next to mine.

Going public

We spent a couple of hours exploring part of SL9B.  Well, actually, it was less than that because I was crashing most of the time.

But over the weekend, I saw an announcement for a Spanish class, so I listened to the stream while I waited for him to arrive.  When he arrived, we decided to go to the site on SL9B and we stood a little bit away from the class while we listened.

At the end of the class, the teacher said hello to us and started chatting with us.  Mostly in Spanish.  Impy admitted to the teacher that he is a native speaker and he was just there to accompany me and that I was learning Spanish.  Afterwards, the teacher friended us both.

A while ago, he mentioned a wish that we would go out as a couple and have friends as a couple and all that.  I resisted because these alts were supposed to be private, so we would have quiet time together.  To have friends meant that people would intrude on our quiet time.  And besides, being active publicly would increase the risk that we would meet someone who had met my other alts and, therefore, because of my "rule," I would have to admit that they know me.

But after the conversation with the teacher, I understood what he meant.  There's that special feeling that comes with being seen and being known as a couple.



Making plans

I rarely wore white.  I kinda avoided it.  It was too "bridal" for me.  But when he and I starting being a couple, I found myself wearing white dresses.  Well, they were common among summer freebies.  And somehow, it felt right to wear them.

I also noticed that, with Alt#24, I tended to wear these elegant knee-length dresses.  When he first met Alt#24, he asked how I would describe her and I chose the word "regal" and he agreed.  Switching her from medieval to modern was a bit difficult without duplicating the styles of my other alts.  Then somehow, she ended up with elegant knee-length dresses.

Once, I brought it up in conversation, wondering if he wanted me to dress her a bit more seductively, because she was beginning to look more wife-y.

[2012/05/31 17:01:07] 


Alt#24: I have a question for you, actually.

Impy#2: shoot!

Alt#24: Somehow, [Alt#24] feels more ... cultured.
Alt#24: Less slutty than most of my alts.
Alt#24: Even Opal.

Impy#2: :) that's good

Alt#24: ok
Alt#24: Because I worry that you want more sexyness like [Alt#6].
Alt#24: But with [Alt#24], I feel more like a wife than a mistress.

Impy#2: you got the point perfectly... and i LOVE that feeling

The man says all the right things!

[2012/05/31 17:09:28]

Impy#2: .... i love that point of 'no slutty' from [Alt#24]

Alt#24: /me smiles.... ok

Impy#2: but!!!  remember the proverb!

Alt#24: A lady in public and a whore in bed?

Impy#2: lol
Impy#2: that's it!

For our ritual, he was visualizing a beach setting.  He had seen a white summer dress, but I thought it wasn't well-made so I said I'd just make one myself.

Around that time, I took him to the Hollywood sim and it occurred to me that we could do our ritual on a boat.  And there were reasons why:


Most sims in SL disappear after a while and, when there are strong emotions associated with a place, the disappearance of the place is very disturbing.  If we did our ritual on a boat, it didn't depend where we were.  We could have our boat in any water in SL.  And we both could have a copy of the boat so that, when I missed him, I could just rez one.



But as we talked about other things that we needed, it felt like we were making compromises.  He had found a speedboat that he liked.  That meant I would have to wear something like a white bikini to go with the theme.  He said he just wanted me to wear "something vaporous" and he would wear something casual in white.  Then I realized that we couldn't even kiss because, if both of us stood up, the boat would go back to his inventory.


Then a couple of days ago, he took me to an island to see a castle.  When I saw it, I knew I had seen it once before, but I don't know when or which alts.  However, he was almost certain he had not shown it to me before, and he said, "this is one of my...'secret' places."

[2012/06/26 18:14:59]

Alt#24: I think you have taken me here before, my love.

Impy#2: really?  if it's so, it's because you were special from the very beginning..:D  i never took anybody here

(Did I mention the man always says the right things?)

The castle

Anyway, he seemed to really want to do our ritual there.  I explained why I preferred the boat; I explained the transience of places in SL; I explained how my sentimentality for significant places cause great pain when those places are gone.  And he understood because he reads my blog religiously.  And he read my book.

So, as he often does, he let me have my way.  (You see why I love the man dearly?)  And we decided that we would explore that sim and the surrounding sims for our "honeymoon" instead.



Well, after a short attempt, I decided that two days was not enough to create a special outfit from scratch.  Then I remembered a time when he showed me a blog with a picture of a woman wearing silks.  He didn't know what silks signified or who wore them.  All he knew was that they looked very beautiful.

So I did a search in the Marketplace for "silks" and found an outfit that I once wanted to get for another alt.  And it was perfect for another reason.  Impy and I once talked about a roleplay alt whose name was based on a Greek myth; that's when I learned he had an interest in ancient Greek mythology as well.  And he had loved the toga I wore for my 5th rez day anniversary pictures.

This one had the beautiful folds like the toga.  It looks very medieval and beautifully so.  It was a silk but it had additional attachments to cover the legs more so it looks more lady-like while remaining sexy.  It was beautifully sculpted.  And absolutely romantic.

Of course, I didn't show it to him but I mentioned that it wouldn't match the speedboat theme.  So I had to search for something he could wear that would match my outfit.  And we found the perfect medieval suit in all white.  So we gave up the speedboat idea (we'd still use it for our honeymoon explorations) and decided to do the ritual in the castle anyway.  :D

Somehow, with him, things just fall into place.  Damn the crazy odds.

The dress from Caverna Obscura.  Taken while waiting for him to log back in, so I was able to play with windlight and shadows.  Now in Flickr.

The groom pacing at the entrance of the castle.  :D  By the time I tp'd over (and crashed, of course), I had already turned down my settings because I was also filming machinima.

The kiss, taken after the vows and after the song and and after the exchange of rings that we made ourselves for each other and while he was busy with the SL partnership proposal.

He's right....  The impossible *is* wonderful.

*sighs happily*

It's the natural way

"thinking that i have to fix my profile... so probably soon you will receive a partnership proposal :D"

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Actually, my first reaction was "omg."

He just laughed and asked rhetorically, "why? [Isn't] that what we are? partners?"

Well, he's right... we are. I already took his last name in my display name. We already set up a place of our own. Our alts are exclusive to each other. The longer we are together, the deeper the emotions go.

But he thinks that it's just a matter of announcing to the world that we're partners.

That's true, but a formal partnership means much more for me. I explained that I considered partnership as something equivalent to being engaged irl, but that I made an exception with alts, particularly alts that were dedicated to a lover. So that original "meaning" now only applies to Opal.

At the same time, I've been partnered only once, and it was only symbolic because we put those alts to sleep immediately after. So, in practice, I never experienced being partnered, except for that one night last February when mfpwtff and I woke up those alts for a dance to celebrate our third anniversary.

If Impy and I would partner our alts, it would be his first ever partnership and my first partnership that is "living", as opposed to sleeping.

Impy#2: lol, ok, understand perfect now. so i will not offer you partnership till we make an small ritual, like go into the black sea naked and exchange flowers between us.... something like that, symbolic
Alt#24: lmao
Impy#2: XDDD
Alt#24: So we'll have to find a black sea in SL....?
Impy#2: lol, or something similar... but crazy, different and funny! an act to join [Impy#2] and [Alt#24]

We won't do it yet, because Venus is retrograde, and I'm superstitious that way. And we can't invite our friends, unfortunately, because these are our private alts, so the ritual will only be with the two of us.

And, of course, I would have doubts....

Alt#24: You didn't say it because you think it's what I wanted, did you?
Impy#2: nooo, i just said it because i think it's the natural way between [Impy#2] and [Alt#24].

There we go.... It's the natural way. :D

Juxtaposition

More than ten days ago, I started the draft for this entry. I had chosen the title "Juxtaposition" because I wanted to talk about the differences between my relationship with The Impossible and my relationship with Wolfgang.

But I got too busy with my teaching aids for the machinima class I am teaching at the MODA Modeling School, and that took up most of my time during the past couple of weeks. Both lovers have been busy as well, so I haven't seen as much of either of them as I wanted.



Anyway, Wolfgang eventually relented and created a new alt. As I promised, I took over the alt as soon as he created it to give him a makeover, which took me a good part of a day. I'm so used to doing and redoing makeovers now, so, at the end of the day, he even had several outfits that he could change into. I consulted with him about the skin, and it turned out to be a knock-off (probably copybotted) version of his skin. He kept wanting to have the same hairstyle but I tried to steer him away from it.

I wanted his other lovers to get the impression that I had moved on to another lover; otherwise, they'd be jealous again if they knew he created an alt just for me.

By the time I relinquished his alt back to him, it was dressed in a Victorian gentleman's suit, with only a demo hairbase and lots of folders with demo hair in the inventory. The ones I picked up when he TP'd me to his favorite hair store. So, now, when I'm in Alt #29, he's also in Wolfgang#3. He still occasionally IMs me with Wolfgang#2, which is the one I met and the one that he's mostly in. But I rarely see Wolfgang#2 anymore.

Throughout our argument (and a big part of the argument), he didn't want to create a new alt. He didn't think he could project into it. Both his alts are several years old and they look very similar. He said he couldn't be anything else. He only conceded to create a new alt to give it a try. But he kept telling me that it would feel as though it's not him. I didn't think so.

But I was happy that he finally created an alt just for me. So the alt felt like it was "mine". That it was a gift given to me, albeit, reluctantly. I was half-expecting that he'll eventually give up the alt and throw it away.

So, the next time we met after the makeover, I was surprised when he said that he had to apologize. I couldn't understand why. For one, he didn't seem like someone who would apologize. He has a lot of pride and he seems to be the type who is certain about everything he chooses to do. I was even more touched when he said that he really appreciates the work I had done on his alt. He really saw it as a throw-away alt. But he saw how much care I took in doing the makeover. And so he promised that he would do his best to project his "soul" into it.

That was the first evidence of the change.

Since the reconciliation, he was more considerate, more tender, more sweet, more affectionate. He asks for my opinion before he decides anything about the alt. He expresses gladness when I like something he did on it. When he dresses his alt, he goes for more subdued, more conservative, styles. Maybe because he is influenced by things I like. He's making the alt more to my liking.

He remarked that Wolfgang#3 looks more effeminate than his other alts. I disagreed. In fact, it looks more confident, more mature. I said that he gave this alt something -- a certain quality that he didn't give his other two alts. It feels like Wolfgang#3 has more innate power. His first two alts look like rebels. And being rebellious means that he feels he doesn't have power, that he has to fight for it. On the other hand, Wolfgang#3 has a more dignified self-confidence, which means that he is more secure about his power. He *knows* he has power and he doesn't have to fight to prove it.

He agreed that it feels there's some extra quality in Wolfgang#3 that isn't in his other alts. But he disagreed with my explanation. His explanation was that, unlike his two other alts, Wolfgang#3 doesn't have to '"fight" for [my] affections' because my affections were already given to Wolfgang#3 from the start. And that was another surprise. I never thought that he was fighting for my affections. In fact, I thought he was taking my affections for granted, like it was just one more gift among the many gifts that his friends and admirers leave at his feet.

But, now, it feel different. We're emotionally closer. And it feels more reciprocal. Less of a BDSM relationship. More of a traditional relationship.

Compared to most of my other lovers, he's still very reserved. He once called himself a "cold animal." I disagreed. I see a lot of passion. Very strong emotions, but withheld or redirected into anger.



In stark contrast, Impy (The Impossible) is very warm and very expressive, and naturally tender and affectionate. Being with him is like being cuddled in a nice comfortable warm bed with lots of fluffy pillows and a fuzzy blanket on a cold rainy morning. He keeps melting my heart.

Sometimes, it feels like I have more in common with Impy than with my RL sisters. We think the same way. We enjoy the same things. And it's not that he liked them simply because he knows I like them. Those things were already a part of his life, long before I met him.

What if he's actually one of my concurrent incarnations? :-O ;-)

Sometimes, it's like we're thinking out of the same brain. The INTJ in me looks for a "mind-mate" and he is that. There is an intellectual connection that is both stimulating and comforting at the same time. For a while, I thought it was just going to be a casual affair. But occasionally, he would say something that melts my heart or stuns me. Like when he said his heart "compressed" when he got to the part in my book where I talked about considering suicide.

Recently, he took me to a place that had an awesome installation recreating the infamous Chinese Terracotta Army. During that visit, I suddenly felt this feeling that I rarely feel these days. It's that sense of awe and wonder, and an excitement about possibilities and the promise of SL. That was the second or third time I felt that while I was with him. It was like a deja vu feeling, like I was thrown back to my early days in SL.

I told him that he brought the magic back to SL. I had told him that at least once before.

I usually don't hang out with newbies much. They drain my energy. I get tired having to explain basic things. But not with Impy. He "gets" it. And very quickly. I don't have to explain; I don't have to give detailed instructions. Not just because the man is a techie. I have a feeling he's also highly intelligent because he's a very quick study, but he doesn't let on.

And because he "gets" it, he also gets the potential of the platform and why it is very exciting. And when I meet someone who sees the possibilities that I see, then -- my god -- the magic comes back. When everyone else is falling by the wayside because of disillusionment with SL and virtual worlds, it is very heartwarming to have a companion along that increasingly lonely road.



Once in a while, I'd have a lover or a romantic friend who becomes my "witness." My life witness. Someone who sees the many sides of me. Inside and out. And because of that "witnessing," they've become the deepest and most significant relationships in my life. Impy is becoming one of those witnesses.

Or maybe, he already is.

Heart melts

Meanwhile, the Impossible and Alt #24 started nesting and setting up a home.  It was he who hinted at it a while ago.  It wasn’t just because he thought that’s what I want; it feels like he brought it up because it was what *he* wanted.  He thought of us as a real couple, complete with all that being a couple entails.  My heart melts.

He reads my blog; he’s reading my book.  He wants to truly know me.  My heart melts.

His other lover misses him and feels bad, so he had to spend some time with her yesterday.  He had neglected her because he says he prefers to be with me.  My heart melts.

I learned to ask him what time he was supposed to go to bed because he ends up staying too long and not getting enough sleep.  But even after I remind him it’s time for bed, he negotiates for a few more minutes, which ended up being a full hour today.  My heart melts.

He offers to help me with future projects related to the book.  In fact, he already got started.  He is very excited about the book and where it’s going.  And he simply does things to help me, fully supporting me in what I do and being fully involved.  My heart melts.

Throughout his day, even when he’s not logged in, he stays in touch by email.  Short sweet messages.  A morning kiss.  A quick thinking-of-you note.  A picture.  My heart melts.

Today, I told him that I don’t want to be his only SL relationship and I explained why.  I wanted him to truly experience SL relationships in its wide variety and to gain insights on his own, instead of simply agreeing with my own.  He agreed but it still doesn’t sound like he would. :D

My heart melts.

Missus Impossible

After I introduced The Impossible to Opal, I didn't see him much.  He had met someone and he was spending more time with her.  Until recently.  She hadn't logged in much lately, so he had more time to spend with me.  Her loss, my gain.  :)

During one of our conversations, he had mentioned that he likes dark hair, so I thought of Alt #23.  But when he met her, he still preferred Opal.  Later, he explained that it's because Opal feels more like me.

But it felt imbalanced.

We had been doing things together publicly, and it was so easy to discover who he is through my other web presences.  And I worried how other lovers would feel.

To date, none of my lovers have met another of my lovers.  I've kept the identities of each of them safe.  And that's the way I wanted it.  When I am with a lover, I try to make him feel as though he was my only, even though they all know that I have other lovers.

I asked The Impossible if he would prefer to know my other lovers.  He replied that if he doesn't know who they are, it would be more difficult for him to imagine me with them.  So, his answer was no, he didn't want to know them.

If one lover accidentally logged into my land, and I was with another lover at that time, it would be very awkward.  With that, I convinced him that I need to move him to another alt for privacy, so I gave him some options: Alt #4 (my main RP alt), Alt #23 (again), Alt #24 (an alt that I created for The Captain but was never used) or a brand new alt.


He wanted to see them first, so I introduced him to Alt #24, and he thought she was pretty.  In fact, he said that all my alts were pretty.  He asked about the skins, so I listed them off.  Mostly from LAQ.  He said that he was surprised how different the same skin looked with Opal and with Alt #6, both of whom had the same skin.  I said that Alt #6 has a friendlier look and Opal has a more snobbish look.  Then he asked me how I would describe Alt #24.  I said she has a more regal look.  And he agreed.  That was the perfect word for it.

Anyway, long story short, he agreed to be with Alt #24 for privacy and he would create a new alt for me as well.  And that would be a good thing because we'd be doing hunts for freebies together as we outfit our alts.

So, after he logged off, I went searching for some modern clothes (I only had medieval clothing with her, in preparation for the RP I was going to do with The Captain).  Then I changed her clothes and was about to log off when an alt of The Captain logged on.

I IM'd him and said that I was giving away Alt #24 to another lover and asked him if that was okay with him.  First, he said "oh" then he said "Good."  Then he asked me how I was.

So, all is clear for Alt #24.