Tying a posthumous knot

My fifth partnership in all of SL. My third with Wolfgang. Another tie that binds me to him. Another knot.

We decided to do it today, which is exactly five years after I surrendered to him in our first RP. The surrender that felt like a wedding.

We also decided to do it all without logging the pair into SL. It was all done on the website. Our relationship still has landmines, and this pair is one of those landmines. Too risky. Too emotional. And he is fighting to keep us together by avoiding those landmines.

We were logged into our current pair, which was the first pair we partnered. And we went to the "grave site" of the pair we partnered today to do the partnership there. It felt like a wake, like a ceremony for the dead. It was bittersweet. I cried.

Then I thought to bring Alt #6 to "visit" us again. I saw his strong affection for her, his sadness for losing her, how he missed her. At moments like that, he reminds me of my father.

But he was soothed with her presence. Well, more aroused than soothed. Just by her presence, he said. Like Pavlov's dogs, I said. He laughed.

Needless to say, I was late for work. :)

Too little, too late

Nesting

I had been feeling very disillusioned with SL the past year or so. It was like the Utopia that we had been trying to build had finally lost its wonder. It feels just like another RL now. And my soul is rebelling.

When I reread some chat logs that weren't lost to nothingness when my hard drive crashed, I started to feel emotions again. I started to sense that wonder again. Not as much as it used to be, but at least the fog is starting to clear.

I'm getting tired of empty platforms in the sky that were built for work.

I'm getting tired of the same venues that I visit for dances.

I'm getting tired of doing the same things over and over again.

I missed creating. I missed building my own space. Not one for my store, but one for me.

The last time I remember building a space for myself was during my first week in SL when I bought my first parcel. After that, I built spaces to share with partners. And the only spaces I built for myself were empty bland white platforms for working in.

So I started leasing a parcel. Just for me.

Paradise Lost

I looked at several configurations of parcels. I saw sims divided into squares, sims cut up like a pizza pie, sims with round islands. I ended up with a rectangle. Unfortunately, it reminded me of the last parcel I decorated for my pairs with Wolfgang. A month before we broke up.

I made that parcel with a beach, waterfalls, trees. I created it very quickly. I was very inspired.

And I missed that old parcel, even though we had it for only a month.

Maybe that's why I was attracted to this new parcel. Because it's just like the old one.

When the past knocks

I remembered Wolfgang's birthday. Before that, I remembered his alt's rez day, the anniversary of the day I met him. Both times, I remained silent.

He hated being reminded of his birthday, and he's always in a bad mood. But the previous year, he felt bad when his friends didn't remember. I wasn't going to be one of those who'd greet him this year, I thought.

Besides, I felt raw and vulnerable with everything else going on. Why open that door again?

But, a couple of days later, I woke up and found offline messages in my emails. "Hello Opal," he IM'd. "I hope you are fine."

Well, after reading that, not anymore!!!

I was crying as I prepared for work. All the pain came back. All the self-pity. All the anger.

My whole day was a blur. His words intruded my thoughts. What did he want?

I responded when I got home. I thought he would be in bed already, but he logged in and responded.

It was a strange conversation that went around in circles. Like our old conversations. I kept asking, "What do you want?" but he kept beating around that.

Finally, he explained that he was feeling grumpy (as usual) on his birthday, and he thought of searching for news about me. He wondered if I left SL. So he perved the profiles of my alts that he knows about, including the sleeping ones that were exclusive to him. Then when he read Alt#27's profile, he felt sad.

It took me a long time to convince him to create an alt for her to get privacy away from his other lovers. But he still refused to partner them. When we put them to sleep, he still refused to partner them. But now he wants to "repair that unfairness" and partner them.

WTF?

I ran away from very harsh words that broke my heart more than anyone ever had in SL. Why would I want another connection with him?

Besides, they're dead! They have been for a year. What's the point?

Why raise up the ghosts that would bring nothing but pain?

If he wanted to repair any unfairness, why only that? He had been unfair to me by several magnitudes more, and it would take a lifetime for him to resolve that imbalance. He is offering me nothing but a morsel, and it is a bitter morsel.

Still, I was touched that he held on to something before that painful fight. I told him I needed at least a year to recover, then I could be a friend to him again. And he noted the date. Meanwhile, after that last argument, I wrote him off, entirely out of my life.

So I befriended him again. And I hugged him while we talked about his partnership proposal and almost argued again about old issues.

But he couldn't give me a good reason for the delayed partnership. It would mean nothing to me now. And logging Alt#27 back in could open the emotional floodgates even more. It's even more dangerous now that I'm feeling raw and vulnerable.

He kept trying to convince me until I finally asked him, "How important is this to you?"

He paused.

Then he said, it's a tricky question. Because, if he said it was very important to him, I'd do it just for him and that creates a greater imbalance.

*sigh*  I have a feeling this topic would come up again.

Changing the premise

Wolfgang: what we did is good
Alt#27: what we did?
Wolfgang: yes
Alt#27: what part?
Wolfgang: everything we managed to do together ... we [solved] many obstacles
Alt#27: With much more difficulty than any relationship I've ever had in SL!
Wolfgang: and succeeded to keep it alive since long
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: so, better when difficult than easy
Alt#27: LOL
Wolfgang: but also we created challenges, goals ... imaginations ... we did a lot
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: and we continue to do
Alt#27: oui

Alt#27 and one of his female alts were supposed to go out to a BDSM club. But Alt#27's collar was locked, so he had to log in his male alt (her master) to allow the female alt to hold her leash. Something about the RP felt as though he was giving Alt#27 away, and I told him I felt sad. So he logged off his female alt and continued to hold me with his male alt.

I had been feeling insecure because our pairs have been moving around, all within the "family," but he also knew that I saw the original pairings as the glue that kept the whole "family" together, like screws that bolted two metal pieces together at key points. So with the alts "cheating" on their partners (of course, it's still just the two of us) in our RPs, I felt more insecure, like the screws were loosening. Or like the big screws were being replaced by smaller screws. And although there were more smaller screws, it felt as though their total strength didn't add up to the fewer big screws.

Of course, I didn't explain that to him in so many words. I just said I felt sad because it felt like his male alt was giving Alt#27 away. His initial response was "pfft" and that assuaged my insecurities, but we continued the conversation anyway.

After we logged off, I had an epiphany.

Since childhood, I learned to expect the worst, but hope for the best. I did the same with my SL relationships. And since Wolfgang never actually told me that he loved me, I chose to go by the assumption that he didn't, although he argued that his actions said enough.

So, during today's discussion, we had an argument about logic. He claimed that I don't think logically, because my emotions are based on nothing. I replied that I have logic, but my assumptions, my premise, could be wrong, and I start conversations to verify my assumptions. Of course, he calls those conversations "arguments."

Then something occurred to me after we logged off.

I realize that I tend to be insecure, a lot. The more vested I am in a relationship, the more insecure I became. Makes sense, no? But he always says that those insecure emotions have no basis. And he has said it in so many ways. ... "You keep your place with me." ... "I don't give you up." ... "Pfft."

And he expressed it in his own actions. He made sure I felt good in whatever we did or he wouldn't do it. He kept the conversations going. He showed an interest in having a future together. And he showed up. Like he said, we "succeeded to keep it alive since long."

Why am I still insecure?

So, I'm thinking of doing an experiment. This time, I'm going to change my premise. This time, I'm going to go with the assumption that he loves me deeply. That he adores me. (He did say that once, after all.)

This time, I'm going to expect the best.

I gave him more

"my sub gave me so much of her it is difficult for her to imagine to share my affection"

Wolfgang's stalker returned, and we were talking about the risk of Alt#27 being linked to Opal. He was concerned about his sub finding out, because she is very possessive and she wants to be his only lover. She became aware of Alt#27 a long time ago, but she now thinks Alt#27 is no longer in his life.

What she doesn't know is that I have given him much more than she has. Not only have I given him so much of myself, but I have also given him what I was not. I was not submissive, yet I gave him Alt#27 as his sub, rebellious though she is. I was not bisexual, but I gave him Alt#32 who is partnered to one of his female alts. I loved my sexual freedom, yet I gave him Alt#6, who is now practically exclusive to him, even though he still allows her her freedom.

What I did not have, I created for him. What I was not, I became for him. Even if it was difficult. Even if it was painful.

And more importantly, I give him his freedom. Even if I feel jealous. Even if it hurts me to think of him enjoying the company of another. I give him his freedom, because his happiness is important to me, wherever he might find it. Even if he finds it in the arms of another.

When his sub was gone, I was happy that he spent more time with me. When she returned, he looked forward to seeing her, and I saw less of him, and my heart broke. But I accept it, even if it pains me.

I worried that his sub would find this blog and put two and two together, and she would realize that I am his lover that she felt jealous about a long time ago. If she does, I hope she understands that I accept her presence in his life, because she makes him happy, or else he would not be with her. And I hope she accepts my presence in his life, because I still make him happy somehow, or else he would not be with me.

I allow room for her in his life. I allow room for his other lovers and friends in his life. Because that is how I love him. And because that is how I define love.

What's the point?

Wolfgang wondered why I took a long time at a store to purchase a single lingerie set. He was with another lover, but he kept me in IM.

Alt#27: I'm stuck in emails.
Wolfgang#2: what mails ?
Alt#27: Impy email.
Wolfgang#2: oho

By that time, Impy and I had already exchanged a few replies, since he initiated the conversation a few days ago after a two-week silence. Something in the tone of his first email made me livid. I couldn't understand why he even bothered to email me again. I thought it was a done deal. Was he trying to ease his guilt? Was he trying to put the blame on me? What more did he want from me?

I was writing up what I hoped would be the last piece of mail I'd ever write to him, and that's when Wolfgang's interest was piqued because I took too long to buy an outfit. So I had to update him, while avoiding names and details.

But he didn't take my side. "i know you and i m sure you are in bad road," he said, "arguing about little points, forgetting the main."  Throughout the conversation, he took Impy's side.

Wolfgang#2:
you could write [an email] just to say you are both stupid to fight on some details
tell him you didn't stop to love him
just that

Alt#27:
When I love someone, I don't stop loving him.  I've told him that.  I told you that.

Wolfgang#2:
that is not known in fight

Alt#27:
But I can choose to not be with him anymore.
/me sighs.

Wolfgang#2:
if you want to stop the fight, [tell] him that and forget the fight

Alt#27:
what for?
So I'd keep hurting?

Wolfgang#2:
fight hurt you

Alt#27:
So I have to pretend I'm not hurt because he prefers to be with someone else than with me?
He doesn't have much time.
She gets whatever time he has.
And besides, he already left me a long time ago, remember?

Wolfgang#2:
don't pretend you are not hurt
you just say that because it is true

Alt#27:
what is?

Wolfgang#2:
that you didn't stop to love him

Alt#27:
But for what purpose?

Impy said that he realized he wants exclusivity now, which he didn't ask from me. That meant he wants exclusivity with her. And I am definitely not willing to give up Wolfgang. So what's the point of telling Impy I still love him?

"i just know you," Wolfgang said. But he was comparing this fight with the fights I had with him in the past, when I would leave and come back sooner than I said. But this is different. In my fights with Wolfgang, I was the one who was pulling away. In this case, Impy was the one who left. He came back to SL, but not to me. So, again, what's the point?

Wolfgang remembered an argument we had a long time ago, when I sent him an email that calmed him down as he was about to reply angrily to an earlier email. "You saved us some time ago with something like that," he said.

I still couldn't see what for, but I got the feeling that he would keep bugging me unless I did as he "suggest." And he was right; Impy replied more calmly. I suggested to be away for three months to heal and Impy agreed.

At this point, I don't think three months would make a difference. I don't think a year would make a difference. If I didn't make Impy happy enough to stay before, what's the likelihood I can make him happy in the future? So, again, what's the point?

And, yes, I am INTJ.

Love, Like ... the Main Entree

A year ago yesterday, I surrendered.

It was in roleplay. The culmination of an intense two-week chase para-RP by email and offline messages. But that day, we met inworld for the capture part of the RP.

In the RP, he found me in my secret hideaway.
In the RP, I shivered from nervousness because he was so close.
In the RP, I realized that I had fallen in love with him.
In the RP, I cried when he leashed me.
In the RP, he fed me bread and I tasted his fingers.
In the RP, he changed his mind and wanted to release me because he felt protective.

But I felt all that, as though it were real. As though it were a wedding.

He too felt it strongly. "I felt like that man who gave you bread in your lips and from whom you caught fingers... loved, wished, and that you wished to be his," he said.


Then, yesterday, I surrendered.

With a different alt. To a different alt. To the same man.

I had asked if I could take Alt#6 out because I needed to vent, then I realized I couldn't. I met Impy through Alt#6, but I know that when I log her in, it would be Wolfgang that I would be reminded of.

Because he wanted her. Not in the way that other men wanted her. He wanted her to be part of our "family," to be cared for, to be protected, while allowing her her freedom, like the baker's cat.

He was already thinking up solutions to help me find my balance after losing Impy. He was convinced that I need another lover for balance, because he couldn't fulfill all my needs. (Sometimes, I'm surprised that he pays attention to what I say and remembers them long enough to repeat them to me later.) He reasoned that it would be good for us, because, if I'm happy, we'd get along better. He  tried to convince me to get another lover, because he knows me well now. But I think he just doesn't want to be blindsided. And he doesn't want to be the reason why I look for another.

But I already made up my mind the night before. I decided I don't need another lover. Not for a while. Maybe a couple of months or so.  We spend as much time with each other as we could, and I don't want to give that up. Besides, I don't really have a reason to grieve, because Impy never really came back. I lost him a long time ago, not this time. And I already grieved for him then. All I lost this time was my pride, but it's all my fault anyway, because I chose to be blind.

On the other hand, I gained two more pairs with Wolfgang. Three different relationships with him where we explore different possibilities, different roles, different ways of relating. If relationships were umbilical cords, I'd have more cords linking me to Wolfgang than with any other lover in all my SL. Relationships that were made stronger by our arguments and honest discussions.


Maybe I'll eventually find another lover or two. Who knows? But right now, I'm happy as we are.

Alt#31: You are definitely changing my SL.
Wolfgang#6: sl is not in one way only
Wolfgang#6: there are people inside :)
Alt#31: yes, but I had plans!
Wolfgang#6: hmm difficult to keep plans in human [relationships]
Alt#31: /me smiles.
Alt#31: Actually, I thought it would always be a certain way.
Alt#31: My SL, I mean.
Alt#31: I even wrote the book about it.
Wolfgang#6: you'd maybe change some things now you are more [experienced] ;)
Alt#31: LOL
Alt#31: "Love, Like ... the Main Entree"
Wolfgang#6: lol

Bon appetit!

"i fought for you"

While Wolfgang was on a holiday, I sent him some seductive photos and links to "entice" him back.  It was a way for us to stay in touch by email, since he couldn't have access to SL during the entire time.  The last one was a simple group photo with Alt#27, Alt#32, and -- for aesthetic reasons -- Alt#6.

I had used Alt#6 for a seductive photo with Alt#27 in the past.  At that time, he wanted her to be his.  I refused, but I said he could have a one-night stand with her.  It was his turn to refuse; he said that he didn't want emotionless hard sex.

But this time, he thought that, by adding her to the photo, I was offering her to him in the way that he wanted.  I wasn't; I was just planning to include her in one of our RPs.  He wanted to "meet" her before the planned RP, so I logged her in and we did a quick impromptu RP about forcing her to take a bath because she was muddy.

His reaction to her, taking her side while Alt#32 was the strict aunt, bothered me to the point of jealousy.  It seemed odd because she's my alt, but I later realized that it reminded me of an old RL incident where I felt the same way, where I felt that I was being pushed out.  Meanwhile, Wolfgang was trying to convince me to allow Alt#6 to "stay" with us as a "niece."

I argued that Alt#6 was meant for a specific purpose and she needs to be free from attachments.  I explained that, when I had a lot of anger and when I hated myself, I logged into her to use men and to be used by them.  He argued that he wasn't trying to stifle her.  At some point during that conversation, he finally understood the reasons why she couldn't be his or anyone's for that matter.  But he expressed his sadness and disappointment.  And that made me more jealous.  Why was she more important to him than Alt#32, who was partnered to his alt?

 [2013/01/12]
Wolfgang#6:
    you are my special one, and nothing and none can replace that
    you must know that and be sure about [it]
    we could fuck the entire sl world [of] women [avies] together, you'd keep your place with me.
    i don't release you
Alt#32:
    You like her too much.
Wolfgang#6:
    i like her
    and it is nice i do
    i like opal also
Alt#32:
    You fought for her.
Wolfgang#6:
    i fought for opal
    i fought for [Alt#27]
    i fought for you
    in fact, i fought for "you"
    in your representations here
Alt#32:
    We argued.... that's not the same as fighting for me.
Wolfgang#6:
    you are wrong
    we argued
    and i fought
    both
    and exactly same about [Alt#6]
    we argued, and i fought
    difference is just i lost ;)
    like with opal

He fought for me. He fought me for me. He's still fighting.

Land shifts

I'm moving... both in SL and in RL.

Actually, my SL moves have already occurred.  If only RL moves were as easy.

Skull Mountain

I had been thinking of lowering my tier and the easiest way to do it is by giving up the quarter sim in Fendahl.  When I was still thinking of moving Mer Betta there, I didn't know how to build the ground level, but I saw a build in an RFL fair that would be perfect.  It was a mountain island with rocks shaped like a skull and a cove with a pirate ship in it.  So I talked to the creator who was very gracious and told me where to get the sculpt maps for the skull and he even gave me the texture that he created for it.  I decided to make my own texture so I could match it with the other rocks that I wanted. That was where I filmed my first Mer Betta ad.

A stereoscopic pair showing Skull Mountain. The platform was temporarily installed for my 5th rez day anniversary.

Anyway, I met Micah in July 2010 soon after I bought that parcel.  She was a friend of the previous owner, and she logged in on the parcel when I was building it. So I asked her first if she wanted to take it over, because the land had sentimental value to her.  Otherwise, I would just abandon the land to Gov Linden.  She wanted it, and so I transferred the land to her on the 20th of the month.  (My tier is charged every 21st of the month.)  I gave her copies of the objects that I could transfer, including the skull and the elephants on top of the skull.  I left some of my things that I couldn't transfer until she could purchase them herself.

A view of the west from the south side of Skull Mountain.

Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to move my tier down because most of my lands were deeded to groups in order to get more prim allowance.  So I had to give up two more parcels in Aglia that were given to me as gifts.  Now, I'm down to just my parcels in Aglia and Zeuzera (including my very first 512 sqm plot) and the parcel in Dunbeath where I have the Mer Betta store, the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, and the recording studio for "Talk, Like Dim Sum".

A home with Wolfgang

I don't remember how the conversation started about finding a new home, but I got nervous about Alt #27 and Alt #32 being associated with Opal/Treasure and my RL.  So, we decided (actually, it was more my decision) to find a place that was really our own.  Not just mine.

In a sense, it was a good decision, because I had to give up the parcel we were on anyway.

The first parcel was a beautiful location in the water but the owner was a jerk, because he wanted us to pay for the prims of an ugly build that he refused to remove.  I was pissed.  Wolfgang was more sympathetic to the owner (which pissed me off even more), so I told him to deal with the owner himself.  I wanted to leave; he wanted to work it out.  I asked him if he was attached to the land and he replied that he wasn't attached to material things.  I said I'd rather be homeless than deal with jerks like that owner.  It was that statement that prompted him to say, "ok ok ... let's leave."  And we started picking up our things.

I wanted to just let the rent expire, because we figured the owner wouldn't refund us the difference anyway.  But W wanted to be polite, so he informed the landlord when I refused to.  The landlord later replied, proving himself even more of a jerk.  W finally conceded that it was a good idea to get as far away as possible from people like that.

At first I couldn't understand why W wanted to stay so bad that he and I fought about it.  Then I realized there were two reasons -- he himself deals with renters, and it was the first home that was truly equally ours.  Like his comment about making plans about the future, giving up a jointly shared home probably made him nervous about our future together.  In a sense, he was fighting for our future together.

Anyway, we went back to a private-sim parcel that we saw earlier and we started building it, avoiding the use of Opal's stuff and searching for freebies and cheapies instead.  The ground level is practically done.



Meanwhile, I keep sorting and packing for my RL move ....

Wishes of future

Wolfgang and I had been arguing again.  It was mostly because of my stress lately.

First, Rapido was admitted to a hospital because of a heart attack.  Two days later, my mom was admitted to a hospital because her heart stopped beating.  They had to install a pacemaker on her.  My sister wanted me to come home to help out.  I decided it was time to go home for good. So, I'm in the middle of finishing up commitments, planning the move, and looking for a job in California.

Wolfgang senses the stress because I'm touchy and he's normally touchy anyway.  So we argued.  Even with our F-F pair.  The last one stretched for three days and ended yesterday.  It's not that we argued for three days; it's just that the feeling lasted for two additional days.

He doesn't promise to keep the friendship if we ever break up.  So I proposed that we downgrade our relationship to a friendship now before we have an argument that is so explosive that he'd never speak to me again.

My proposal upset him even more.  He knows I rarely have time for friends, so, from his perspective, it's the same thing.  He was feeling rejected and the argument continued.  I had to explain that I was actually trying to keep him in my life, but he doesn't see it that way.

On the second day, we were both calmer but still melancholy.  I told him that, because of what I'm going through in real life, I needed to be held and I needed his protection, his support, and his maleness.  But I was afraid to ask for our M-F pair because he might construe it as rejecting our F-F pair.  He agreed that he probably would have, but he said I could ask anyway.

We had already decided that we would meet as our M-F pair on Thursdays, because the last time we did, it felt like we were strangers again.  So we met as our M-F pair this morning and it feels warmer and more comforting.  We started to talk about our RPs and about doing a recurring RP for each of our pairs, with occasional short RPs with different scenarios.

Wolfgang#3: i like think about projects
Alt#27: projects?
Wolfgang#3: yes like main rp, it shows some future wish
Alt#27: Future wish for what?
Wolfgang#3: wishes of future
Alt#27: a future together, you mean?
Wolfgang#3: build some future
Wolfgang#3: yes, not with my ponytail

So, that settles it.... We're building a future with him and me.  Not him and his ponytail.

/me shakes her head and mumbles, "Smart ass...."  :D

Loving strangers

Last night, I watched the movie "Room in Rome". It's a Spanish-produced movie in English. Two women visiting Rome -- a Spanish mechanical engineer who came to Rome to exhibit her new invention, and a Russian doctoral student whose sister gave her the trip to Rome as a wedding gift. They met at a bar and spent their final night in Rome together. It's a very sensual, romantic, and sexual movie.

There were times when the acting felt contrived, and the blood in the bathtub scene was a bit over the top. But it was a beautiful movie anyway. And the theme song "Loving Strangers" by Jocelyn Pook (Russian Red) is charming.

I think it's the first lesbian movie I've watched. And after watching it, I understood why Wolfgang wanted us to do this scenario. It was more than a sexual roleplay; it was a tender romance that was very different even from his RL relationships because he is an alpha male.


We had been arguing again. I don't even remember how it started. We were just talking about our relationship and how we felt in it. I said that I still feel lost in the new femme-femme relationship. I explained that I know why I'm in the relationship but I don't know why he is. He also wanted me to fall in love with his female avatar's face so that I would feel the urge to kiss her as I see her. I kept insisting that I already feel the urge to kiss her because she is him, and that it has nothing to do with her beauty.

He was touchy. I was touchy. We weren't really listening to each other. We were feeling rejected by each other.

He wanted us to go back to Alt#27 and Wolfgang#3, our M-F pair. So, when we met again, I was waiting there for him. We danced and we talked.

Old issues kept coming up. I realized how deeply he was hurt, simply by the fact that I was uncomfortable with our F-F relationship. I realized that it was as though he had embedded his innermost self, his most vulnerable self in that female alt. And by rejecting her, I was rejecting his soul.

He compared me to a bulldozer going through a glass store, because I am blunt and direct with my words. And suddenly, I remembered Mr. October. I was hurting Wolfgang simply by being who I am, like I did with Mr. October six years ago. My initial urge was to just walk away, but there are more emotional entanglements in this relationship than in my relationship with Mr. October.

Because I met Wolfgang in a BDSM environment, I assumed that he was thick-skinned, that he wasn't easily fazed. He had several relationships and so did I. We were secure in ourselves. He was also emotionally distant and he warned me about not assuming anything about him, based on our RPs. So I chose to simply assume that I was the only one who feels love in this relationship, and that this was just sensual pleasure for him. I refused to assume he felt any affection for me because he never said so, even though he says there are many clues from how he behaves toward me.

I realized how hurt he was when he said that he wanted to destroy Wolfgang#6. This is the man who doesn't even like the idea of my alts being in hibernation because hibernation feels like death to him. I begged him not to destroy her. If he did, I would lose that door to his soul and I may never access it again.


At the end of our dance, he asked if I wanted a cuddle with our F-F pair before I went to bed. I agreed. So we logged into those alts and cuddled and talked, more tenderly this time. As we were saying goodnight, we talked about when we would meet again. He had some RL commitments and I told him to not worry about me. And that set off another argument.

"I don't worry about you," he said, "You are making me angry again... I wish to see you... You are not an obligation."

Then he said, "I have feeling for you... whatever you want to know or think."

I have feeling for you.

That was the closest he had come to saying he loves me. And he said it with frustration because I refuse to acknowledge that he really does or that he is happier with me than with anyone else. As he says, "Or else I not be here."


I'm beginning to realize how very vulnerable he allowed himself to be in this new relationship. I've hurt him twice in less than two weeks. And deeply. But he doesn't blame me, because he views it as a consequence of opening himself up.

At the same time, he also created this new relationship to protect me from himself, from his harshness, his bitterness, his "acid" nature, his armor.

I'm beginning to realize what I really mean to him.

Eight reasons

He wanted a femme-femme relationship, not just a sexual one, but a deeply emotional romantic one. He knows I'm not bisexual. I suggested that he ask his other lovers, since we're not exclusive, but he specifically wanted it with me. So, I asked, "Why me?"

Wolfgang#3: first because you have some love for me, and would be supposed to love me [through] her
Alt#27: ...?
Wolfgang#3: ah you wait [for a] second lol
Alt#27: lol
Alt#27: You said "first"! So I expect there's more.
Wolfgang#3: second because i was sure you d like my gentle and soft parts
Wolfgang#3: third because you like rp too
Wolfgang#3: 4th because a female is always in competition ... with another, and would not have been like that with me as i m not a female
Wolfgang#3: 5th because you like aesthetic as much as me
Wolfgang#3: 6th because you like explore things, and parallel behaviours that only sl [allow us to] do
Wolfgang#3: 7th to enjoy my nature [appeased]
Wolfgang#3: 8th because all the other numbers could let you be in love with her [as with Wolfgang#3]
Wolfgang#3: i probably forget a few other reasons lol

We had been having this discussion for days. At one point, he had an epiphany about how differently we react to our relationship. Because I love him, I wanted Wolfgang#3 only to myself and not share him. Because he loves me (of course, he still didn't explicitly say so), he wanted to share Alt#27 with his other alts.

He had one specific female alt in mind. And he wanted to share Alt#27 with her.

He had never done this type of relationship with another. He had a sub as that female alt, but it wasn't satisfying to him. He never had a female-female relationship where both are equals, and that's what he wants to experience.

Finally (and reluctantly), I agreed ... but on my own terms. I didn't want to lose the exclusivity between Wolfgang#3 and Alt#27. And I wasn't comfortable with that particular female alt because there's an uncomfortable "history" between us during our old RP. Besides, there was still that risk that his stalker would discover us.

So I suggested using entirely new alts. So, Alt#32 and Wolfgang#6 were born.


I must say that his general demeanor through this alt is much more tender, sweeter, less restrictive. I took the lead in this relationship, mostly because we were fixing up our avatars and shopping as a female was my domain.

But, it's only been a few days, and we've already had a big fight. I couldn't relate to him through his alt. It felt as though I was conversing with the RL him in IM while some female bot was cuddling with me.

We were in the middle of a seduction the day of that fight. At some point during that seduction, an old issue came up and I stopped. He was disappointed. I became quiet and he continued to explain, as I'm sure he sensed me distancing myself. But his continued explanations felt more like an incessant attack. So I blurted out that I hated Wolfgang#6.

He was hurt. She represented his more tender inner self, and he felt that I rejected that part of him. But, to me, she wasn't him at all; she was competition. Because he created her, I saw her as his ideal of what a woman should be. We have very different styles. I even told him that she (his alt) looked like a sophisticated and cultured cosmopolitan woman, while my alt looked like an earthy California hippie love child.

Anyway, when I felt that I disappointed him, I blamed it on "her". But I felt sorry after I realized I was bringing up my own childhood issues -- the sibling rivalries with my sisters, the sense of not being good enough because I was being compared with them.

And I also realized why these issues are coming up with him. I had been (and now am) in situations with him where I really didn't know what to do or how to behave, because I was new to those situations. First, BDSM and then this. So, my brain brings up situations from my past that were similar in one sense or another to give me some context. And the psychological issues also come with those memories.

In our past arguments, he would respond with anger. He even admitted that anger was the only emotion he expressed. But this time, he expressed deep sadness. That in itself melted my heart, so I stopped the fight and apologized.

So we reconciled that same day and, somehow, we feel so much closer faster than ever. He had made himself vulnerable to me, and because of that, I feel more protective over him.


I never thought I'd be comfortable with this. I thought it would just be a short experiment and we'd go back to the way we were. Just a few days ago, I'm pretty sure I felt exactly what little boys felt about kissing little girls, like "Ewwwwww! She has cooties!" And, yet, in the past 24 hours, we had made love twice. And we rarely made love before.

I told him that I won't do this with anyone else. He said he wouldn't either. It wasn't my nature and it wasn't his. So this relationship is something unique to each of us and to both of us.

He was surprised that I actually enjoyed the lovemaking. So was I. But it wasn't because his avatar is a female. I still try to suppress that "ewww" feeling. But I can RP the lovemaking well because I know how I want to be made love to, so I simply describe that. And most importantly, it's because I know it's ultimately him in the back end.

It was something I myself told him that made me realize why my perspective changed. I said, "I will love you in any form you take. Even if it takes me a while to learn how to."

If he chose a dragon avatar or a furry or a tiny or an elf or a drow or a minotaur, it wouldn't be so hard to love him that way. So why then is it so hard to love him as a human female? Am I really the type of person who is so stuck on societal prejudices and stereotypes, even with someone I love?


I am grateful he asked for this. I am getting a better sense of his inner world through this new relationship. But we're not giving up the old one. Now, it feels like this new "relationship" with these new alts is just one subset of our relationship, like a small bubble inside a bigger bubble.

And if this is the only door to his soul, then I'm gladly walking in.

More involvement

Updates

Sometimes, you think you're recovering nicely, then suddenly some random thing, some random phrase, some random piece of music sends you sobbing again.  I probably should start packing the home I shared with Impy, but the pain is still too fresh for me to even go there.

Meanwhile, mfpwtff has been on email with me lately, asking me to review his personal ad profile and asking for my thoughts on things in his RL.  We've always had a wonderful friendship.  I relied on him for a hug and a chat on many occasions when I've been heartbroken.  Now, it's my turn to be there for him as he gets back on his feet after his divorce.  If only all my relationships end up like this, life would be good.

A close call

I haven't had much time for Rapido, nor he for me because he's going on a trip soon.  We've been taking our alts out (Alt#31 and Rapido#2) and doing multiples.  We've even tried to do a little bit of RP between ourselves.  Of course, the focus is still on sex.

However, I had a bit of a scare once when we were at a public sex place.  We were in a room in a castle when another couple came into the same room and used the bed.  Rapido, thinking it would be more exciting to do multiple, asked the guy if they wanted to join us.  The guy seemed to be all for it, but he said that his girl was too shy and would probably not agree.  Whew!

I have this "rule" that if someone who knows me from one alt approaches another of my alts by accident, I would admit that they know me.  I've only had to make good on that promise twice -- Impy was the second one.

And the guy that Rapido was inviting to join us in a foursome, well, ... he was once an admirer of Alt#11.

More involvement

When Wolfgang found out that I lost Impy, he simply made a comment about how fast relationships don't last.  That was it.  We were just chatting about the state of his relationships and how many he had left.

Then, the other day, he came in outside his usual time, so I tp'd him for a hug.  Then he said he had to say hello to one of his former subs, the same one who was jealous of my name in his profile.  She had just logged in.  So I released him from the hug, thinking that he had to tp away.  But he didn't.

He remained there, with his LookAt crosshairs on Opal.  He noticed that Opal has the same feet as Alt#27.  I said, yes, but Alt#27 has the mesh version and Opal has the sculpt version.

"She is beautiful," he said, referring to Alt#27.  "But I didn't lose hope to make you mine someday too."

Whoa!

That started a long conversation that is still unresolved.  It wove in and out, as I tried to figure out exactly what he wanted.

He likes watching female-female scenarios.  We tried it with one of his female alts, but it didn't feel right for me, so he aborted it, even though I was willing to go through it.  I wondered if it would feel more comfortable if both females were my alts.  He wasn't enthusiastic about the idea before, because he felt that I would still be doing something that I don't particularly enjoy.

But, now, he seems to be revisiting the idea.

I thought that if he just wanted a sex RP, I could use Alt#6.  He refused.  He said that she "belongs" to everybody and he doesn't want emotionless hard sex.  "i prefer more intimate relationships," he said.  I offered Alt#4, but he wants more than just RP.  I offered other alts that I don't use, and he said he'd like all of them.

His idea was to resurrect my sleeping alts, because he never liked the idea of putting avatars to sleep.  He puts so much of himself in his own alts, and he shivered at the idea that Alt#27 would be put to sleep if our relationship ended.  He feels it's like real death.  Of course, I objected that he shouldn't care what I do with her if he doesn't care about her anymore.

He said it was just a simple idea to pull my free alts into a "family."  He agrees that Opal would be more complicated because Opal is no longer anonymous, although he somewhat expressed a preference for Opal because she is the most "me" of all my alts.

To be honest, the whole thing was a big surprise.  He thinks it's no big deal.  But it seems that his idea of where we are is different from my idea of where we are.  I gave him the metaphor of a range from 0 to 10, where 0 means we are not involved, and 10 means we're married.  It seemed like (and these are random numbers) he thinks we're at 3 and he wants to go to 4.  Meanwhile, I think we're at 1, so it's a big jump from 1 to 4.  So, to him, his idea wasn't a big request.  But, to me, I'd have to rearrange my whole SL.

Last night, he logged in one of his female alts to give me a gift.  He had bought some nylons for me through her.  And, he started RPing as her, while I tried out the different colors.  And the conversation was very eye-opening.  Through the mask of a female alt, he spoke more freely.  He noticed I was calmer too.  And through that female alt, I gained a better understanding of a man who has been mostly a mystery to me.

And this past week, I'm beginning to see that we really are closer to "3" than to "1".  And I'm beginning to understand what I really mean to him.

"you complete me"

"you complete me and i really need you"

That's what Impy said today.  He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails.  Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice.  Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.

I figured he was fading away.  Real life was pulling him away.  That's how most of my relationships end.  I was expecting the worst.  My heart was breaking.

But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming.  He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.

I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises.  I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.

He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago.  It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang.  I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied.  And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody.  I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed.  The man fills my cup to overflowing.


This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot.  But our relationship is more stable this past week.

The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to.  But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel.  Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM.  He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.

The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.

Something strange happened last Thursday though.  He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work.  Then he got naked.  And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness.  Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words).  So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.

It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness.  It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long.  He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.


Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again.  I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god!  The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish.  This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.

Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL.  I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.

Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend.  Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities.  :)

The power of little things

Last Friday, I met with Wolfgang briefly for a hug.  I decided to end the timeout after a week.  I still had no resolution, but I knew that I couldn't solve it alone.


Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it.  It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse.  We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week.  I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again.  I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one.  He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.

He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing.  I thought he'd be back in about an hour.  So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on.  While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed.  If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.

A lot of things went through my head.  Was there really no solution to this?  He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.

It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile.  And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal.  But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant.  And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.

When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were.  (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.)  His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.

So, we continued our conversation.  Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex.  I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex.  As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl.  I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past.  After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning.  I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not."  So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things.  But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.


It's all symbols

We again discussed the issue of him claiming me.  When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his.  And we talked about what indicates a claim.

The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with.  Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me.  Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.

To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession.  But I didn't quite understand why.

I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people.  Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time.  It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific.  The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word.  It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.

However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic.  He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd.  And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either.  It was just something different to try for fun.  So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.

I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols.  After all, we were both very independent people.  Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined?  And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.

I realized that even his alt is a symbol.  In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols.  (That's another book idea right there.)  Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.


Adding the "h"

He asked what we should do.  I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea.  He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM.  Then he joked...

[2012/07/23 05:12:42]

Wolfgang#3: ((and you look damn sexy leashed ;) ))

Alt#27: Then leash me!

Wolfgang#3: lol
Wolfgang#3: but you don't like that !

Alt#27: Will you fuck me if you leash me?

Wolfgang#3: leash is not necessary to fuck by luck lol

Alt#27: okay, here's what I'm saying....
Alt#27: If you make love to me each time you leash me, I will associate the leash with pleasure.
Alt#27: Then the meaning of that symbol changes.
Alt#27: For me.
Alt#27: And it's a very concrete signal that means "yes, today, we can fuck."

Wolfgang#3: leash claim you, it is not a message of fuck lol

But the idea of a symbol gaining a different meaning for me made him more open to trying it again, in case there's a possibility that I would associate the collar and leash with the concept of him claiming me, which I like, as opposed to associating them with oppression, which I don't like.

He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do."  I was surprised.  And awed.  He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.

When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too.  He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us."  And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.

We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again.  Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.

Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us.  And he noticed it too.


The power of little things

I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash.  But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning.  Like we need darkness to define light.

The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay.  It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only.  It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me.  Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding.  Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him.  Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.

So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce.  As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.

[2012/07/23 06:36:15]

Wolfgang#3: that s funny how much 2 little things can make you so more desirable

Alt#27: The leash and the collar?

Wolfgang#3: yes

Alt#27: It's funny that the same two things make me feel closer to you.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: that is more understandable for me as it link us materially

Alt#27: For me, it's because of that night.

Wolfgang#3: the link was cut, and it appears again, symbol of it
Wolfgang#3: so it leads us to feel closer

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: Because of a meaning that we previously attached to it.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: power of little things

Examining the bar

I was ready to send Wolfgang an email last night to tell him I was ready to meet.  Then I realized that I was "ready," only because I miss him.  I still had no resolution to bring to the table.

A long time ago, I heard of a study of couples, done by John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict which newly weds would divorce based on micro-expressions on the couple's faces that are not visible to the human eye, but can be clearly seen on slow-motion video.

And as I was looking it up, I found this video of John Gottman himself, talking about building trust.



Around 3:10, he talks about CLalt (Comparison Level for Alternatives), where he said:

"Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner, of building resentment rather than gratitude, of lower investment in the relationship, less dependency for getting your needs met, not sacrificing for the relationship, and escalating conflicts so it becomes an absorbing state."

And that hit home.  CLalt was that "bar" that Impy raised.

When I first surrendered to Wolfgang as his sub, he was very reluctant to add Alt#27's name to his profile to say that she is under his protection, as is customary in BDSM circles.  Even though he had other subs, he never placed anybody's name in his profile.  I had to argue that me putting his name on my profile as being protected by him wouldn't hold water if he doesn't confirm it in his own profile.

Impy wanted a partnership, specifically because he wanted my name in his profile officially.

I think I had asked Wolfgang to create an alt just for me since the beginning, but he refused because of his own philosophy about his own alts.  He didn't want a throw-away alt; he didn't want an alt that he would put to sleep after the relationship is over.  So when one of his subs threw a tantrum because he had my name in his profile and not hers, he removed my name.  I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  He argued against it again.  And it was the same time we argued about the tracker as well.  To appease me, he said he didn't definitively say "no."  And eventually, he relented and created an alt, but warned me that he probably won't give that new alt his essence.

When I suggested that Impy create a new alt for me in order for us to have privacy, he did so the very next day.

Wolfgang refuses to explicitly say that he loves me, not in any language.  He said that he prefers to say "I like you," but he never said that to me either.  He said that his actions should be enough.  And yet, one of his former friends started harassing me because she mistook his actions as romantic, instead of platonic.  He pointed out little clues in our RP, but am I supposed to accept his RP as real?

Impy is emotionally expressive.  Not just in his actions, but in his words as well.  I don't remember a day when he forgot to say he loves me, whether in English or in Spanish.

Wolfgang hates to talk by voice. Impy loves to listen to my voice.

Wolfgang never read a single blog post that I wrote.  He picked up my book long ago, but he still hasn't read it. Impy inhaled my blogs and my book, because he was very curious about who I am.

Is it any wonder that my CLalt zoomed upwards?

Granted, I'm not Wolfgang's best lover either.  He says I read things into what he says and I argue too much.

When he mentioned that all his other lovers were devoted to him alone and that I'm the only one with other lovers besides him, I took it as a complaint.  When he talked about starting a diet to lose a few pounds, I took it as an insult about my RL weight.  When he refused to arrange to have someone notify me if anything happened to him, he said that only his family and his RL friends would know when he passed on, and none of his SL friends would, ... well, what right did I have to assume I had at least some importance to him?

He enjoyed "sensuality" like dancing with me half-naked.  When I told him that those things usually aroused me and that I was left frustrated, he indicated that I should be able to find someone to satisfy me, even though I insisted that sex without emotions was not as satisfying and it was always difficult to find a good partner.  I started to tell him about an ex-lover who made a point of arousing me then logging off without satisfying me.  That was when he said that he's not my other lovers.  So I never got the chance to tell him that I broke off that relationship precisely because of that repeated sexual frustration.

I am not ignoring the wonderful things he does for me.  I am not forgetting that he refuses to do something if it doesn't also give me pleasure, that he compliments the work I do, that he gives me his time even while he's working, that he hurries back from lunch because he knows I am waiting, that he has confided in me more than he has confided in most people.

And I cannot dismiss the fact that I love him.  And he has, in fact, become a bit more expressive lately, more tender, more caring.

I still don't know what to do.  If we leave things the way they are, we'll eventually break up and just be friends, which means I'll just ignore him.

Maybe this is just growing pains.  But growing how?  If I'm just another "SL friend," is it worth investing more time and effort in this relationship?

Rewinding

I was browsing back through old emails and chat logs, searching for clues where we got off-track, when we started arguing, when I started being unhappy.

Then I found the last email with our private roleplay.  He had sent the last response to that roleplay on May 6, but I didn't continue with the RP because the book had just been released so I had to focus on that.  And, besides, the RP was making me nervous.  It was coming up to a certain climax.

Then I had an idea.

This morning, before I went to bed, I replied to that email and continued the RP.  When I woke up this afternoon, he still hadn't replied.  He's probably still angry.

I think he'll argue against continuing the RP.  For one, we already gave up the D/s relationship and, in that RP, we are dom and sub.  Continuing that RP means we would go back to that kind of relationship.  And we left it because it wasn't comfortable for me.  And he refuses to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

But, in a sense, rewinding back to that time and to that relationship would give us breathing room until we figure out a more permanent solution.  And there are benefits to it.

1. Doing an RP is better than not communicating at all.  At least we stay in touch.

2. Roleplaying opens up a way to express emotions indirectly and in a less threatening environment.  Our RP characters become another mask.  And, often, masks make it easier for us to express our inner selves.

3. A sub doesn't argue.  A sub can recommend, but the final decision belongs to the dom.  There won't be any power struggles.  At least, not during the RP.

4. When we switched from a D/s relationship to a normal relationship, he said that he felt as though he lost something.  He claims that without the D/s relationship, he becomes just another of my lovers.  By rewinding, I give him back what he thinks he lost.

Sure, I can try to change him instead.  But I've learned that you really can't change anybody, except yourself.

Sure, I can just walk away.  I can handle my own heartaches; I've had so many of them.  But if my leaving gives him pain, I cannot go.  His happiness is important to me.

So, I guess, on more than one level, I am surrendering to him ... again.

Who knows if it's good or bad?

In the book, I retold the Buddhist koan about the farmer and his horse.  No matter what happened to the farmer, he always said, "Who knows if it's good or bad?"

Impy and I had talked about how my other lovers would react if they learned that I was about to be partnered.  He said that if I continued to see them for the same amount of time as I usually did, they didn't have reason to be jealous.  But I knew it was more than that.  Because *I* would change.

[2012/06/26 18:37:12] 

Impy#2: better with Wolfgang?

Alt#24: Yes, we had a very long conversation last night.
Alt#24: I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Alt#24: I think my relationship with him is changing.
Alt#24: Maybe affected by you.

Impy#2: ok, i'm very very glad to hear it, (to hear you are ok with him)
Impy#2: yes? by me????

Alt#24: Long story.
Alt#24: And you have to sleep!
Alt#24: tomorrow

Impy#2: :D  damm!!!!

Alt#24: LOL
Alt#24: Okay, quick answer....
Alt#24: You raised the bar.

Impy#2: :)

Alt#24: Because of you, I expect more from lovers now.

Last night, I asked Wolfgang for a timeout.  We've been arguing again.  Two days in a row.  And that's only because we didn't meet on Wednesday; otherwise, it would have been more days in a row.  He says I take what he says the wrong way and that's why we have all these arguments.  He admits he also needs to choose to interpret my words the right way.

[2012/07/13 06:20:38]

Alt#27: Something else is wrong, I think.... That's just a symptom.

Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: tell me

Alt#27: I would if I knew what it was.

Wolfgang#3: ok
Wolfgang#3: so what do we do?

Alt#27: How do you feel about being apart for two weeks?

Wolfgang#3: as you wish

We've kinda started using those phrases - "as you wish" to mean we don't like it but we are agreeing anyway, "if you say so" to mean we don't think the same way but we are avoiding an argument.  I started using them and he followed suit.  And those phrases have been appearing more and more in our conversations.  From both sides.

I asked him how he felt about the timeout.  He said he'd better not say.  He felt that his opinion didn't matter in this case, because "you have some need. i can't argue with a need."

But in the end, he admitted that he is angry.  It may seem like a strange reaction, but he once said that anger is all he knows.  He tucks away all other emotions into "boxes" and stores them away.  I said, all those emotions he was tucking away into boxes were actually seeping out as anger.  So they're not as "secure" in boxes as he claims they are.

I asked if it would be better if we shortened the time to one week.  He said that if I needed three weeks, it would be three weeks.

I had been thinking of doing this a long time ago.  But I was worried that, if we did take time away from each other, we would not get back together again.  He said, "I don't know," which usually meant he doesn't want to speculate about the subject.  But it also meant that he thinks there's a chance we would still get back together.

I had to ask him to hide his status from me so my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I see him log in.  He said I would have to defriend him, because he refuses to hide.  And that almost started another argument.



I know I hurt him by asking for those two weeks.  I am very aware that he tries hard to make "us" work.  And it is hard work.  He and I are not as easily compatible as Impy and I are.  But I love him dearly regardless.  And I'm realizing that he probably loves me too, even if he refuses to say it.

I don't know if I can stay away for two weeks. But we have to figure out why the arguments start.  It's probably my fault.  I find insults where there are none.  I find disagreements where it's just a difference in how we express things.  But if these things happen, that means there's something going on in my subconscious.  And I need time away to examine whatever that is.

I'm almost sure it has something to do with the bar that Impy raised.  But, really, there shouldn't be a bar at all....

"i m not your other lovers"

[2012/07/12 04:57:33]

Alt#27: You know, you're still my Dom.

Wolfgang#3: i didn't delete myself from your collar or i couldn't undress you

Alt#27: It's more than that.
Alt#27: It's just what we are.
Alt#27: I think there will always be a bit of D/s in this.
Alt#27: Because of who you are.

Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: because i'm dom inside?

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: You like to have control.

Wolfgang#3: hum i don't think it is that much simple

Alt#27: Maybe not.

 I still wear the collar although it is invisible now.  It was mostly so he could undress me and tp me, which I like.  He refuses to lock it himself and I kept inadvertently detaching it when I wear something that goes on the same attachment point.  So, I finally locked it myself.

But, last night, I decided to shop for new hair and to try blonde this time.  Alt#27 was originally a redhead.  A couple of weeks ago, I bought a dark hair just to test it with the new skin.  Last night, I switched to blonde.  I have Opal and another alt as redheads.  I have several brunettes.  But I only have one blonde, so Alt#27 becomes my second blonde.

Anyway, I was trying some demos when he logged in.  And I asked his opinion on the styles.  He didn't like short hair because it made me look too young.  He didn't like the bangs because it made my face too round.  I wanted to find mesh hair that looks good on me.  The good thing about rigged mesh hair is that the strands stay in front of your breasts even as you turn your head. The bad thing about rigged mesh hair is that you have to adjust your shape if your skull shows through the top, if you happen to have a longer head or a longer neck than the designer's model.

And he preferred the flexy hair anyway because he said the hairs would "dance during i fuck you strong".  (Hair designers, are you listening?  We still want dancing flexy add-ons for those mesh hairs please.)

Then somewhere during that conversation, he remarked that it looks like I've already decided, as though I really didn't want his opinion.  But I did want his opinion.  However, in the end, it was still my decision, while taking his wishes into consideration.  But because he noticed that I had decided, it felt as though he expected it to be his decision alone, simply because I asked for his opinion.

[2012/07/12 05:04:51]

Wolfgang#3: you don't feel free?
Wolfgang#3: that i don"'t let you space enough?

Alt#27: It's not a yes/no question.
Alt#27: It's a range.
Alt#27: I feel freer now than when we were officially D/s.
Alt#27: But, sometimes, I still feel that you're still asserting your domination.

Wolfgang#3: asserting?
Wolfgang#3: like how?

Alt#27: pushing
Alt#27: It's just a feeling.
Alt#27: Like when I decide on hair and you notice that I already decided.

Wolfgang#3: yes, it is just a notice

Alt#27: The fact that you noticed it means that it's not the usual way.

Wolfgang#3: ah yes

Alt#27: It's a change from the usual way.

A few days ago, I asked him to ask someone to send me a message somehow if he is incapacited or worse that he couldn't send me a message himself.  I have asked the same from many lovers, including Impy.

Wolfgang, however, flatly refused.  He promised that he would never simply disappear on me.  Even as I explained that many of my lovers did, he insisted that he is not like my other lovers.  He added that, if he passed on, his RL family would know and his RL friends would know, but none of his SL friends would.  It was the most hurtful thing he had ever said to me.  It felt like I didn't matter, because I'm just an SL friend.

I respect the fact that it's his life and it's his decision.  But it was very painful.

He probably sensed my pain because I was quiet for a while and then I changed the topic after, because he continued to try to explain his reasons.  I just nodded and withdrew my request.  There was no point arguing about it.


These days I sense a deep sadness from him.  Maybe these arguments are affecting him too, even if he doesn't let on.  The fact that he continues to log in when we're supposed to meet is very telling.  And he logs in with the alt that he created for me.  Once, he said that it was proof that he wanted to see me specifically, not just to be in SL to meet any friend.

I am INTJ.  They say INTJs move on if the relationship doesn't seem viable.  I had thought of moving on, many times.  But moving on never felt right.

There's a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  Maybe I just need to learn his language.

Hell hath no fury

Why is it that the older you get, the faster time flows? Seriously, this month just went whoooosh!

Well, granted I had a lot going on, both personally and with the book.  There's the machinima class I was teaching for MODA, the work I was doing for the Splo, then SL9B both for the book and for MODA and lots of little tasks in between.

Relationship-wise, a lot of things are also happening.  There are many times when I thought, "Oh, I should blog that."  But I was too tired or under a deadline that I didn't have time to write.  So, this post and the next one will be "catch up" posts.

The next post will be all about Impy but I won't write it until later because I don't want to spoil some surprises that I planned for him, because tomorrow is The Day.  :)  We'll be officially partnered tomorrow.

So, in this post, I'll only talk about developments with Wolfgang.


Released

Wolfgang once asked what I liked about wearing a collar.  I told him that I liked that he could just teleport me.  And I particularly enjoyed when he undressed me himself.  It's like in real life; being undressed by a man feels much more sensual and erotic than undressing myself.

And when he teleports me without asking for my permission first, it feels like he's claiming me as his.  Like I belong to him, like a wife belongs to her husband.  It's like saying, I belong by his side, no "if"'s, "and"'s or "but"'s.

This past month, we've been arguing a lot, discussing a lot of things, particularly the BDSM part of our relationship.  We argued about the spanking.  To him, it's part of the sensuality of BDSM.  But the context of it bothers me.

It's not the concept of spanking that bothers me.  With mfpwtff, we each had spankers that simply spouted that "X spanked Y" with the accompanying sound effects.  The "spanking" was playful.  He would do it out of the blue and I would reciprocate.  It's like a pillow fight.  It seems aggressive but it really isn't.  And of course, we were equals in the relationship, so I could spank back.

But with Wolfgang, the spanking was roleplayed as a "punishment" and, as a punishment, it gives me no pleasure.  It isn't fun anymore.  He explained that sometimes one of his other subs would make up a "transgression" so that she would "deserve" a spanking and that was how she would initiate a sensual encounter.  But that's not the same for me.  I explained to him that a punishment is a "distancing" between us.  Instead of us pulling together, a punishment pulls us apart.  Therefore, even a kiss, if it is given as a punishment, would taste bitter to me.

For days, we continued to argue about aspects of BDSM.  I told him to just do what he wants.  After all, he was my master.  But he refused to do anything that doesn't give me pleasure.  He had been telling me that since the start, since the incident with the kneeling and the leash.  And I think that incident made him skittish, so that he's more careful about what he does with me and, since then, he always asked me how I felt about something.

On one hand, that's exactly why I trust him as a dom.  On the other hand, I get more nervous about what he's about to do, because if he has to ask me for permission to do something, it must be really bad, right?  So *I* get more skittish too.

Even when I tell him that I don't really know how I would feel until I've had the experience, he refuses to do it.  He kept saying he'd rather avoid making me feel bad.


Then he asked, "Would you prefer to put off collar, leash, anything related to our first relationship and just be usual, simple lover?"

I said, "I don't know."  Then I explained why.

I reiterated that I don't make a good sub because I am too independent.  But I do it for him.

That's when he asked what I liked about the BDSM relationship, without considering what he likes.  So I told him what I like and I told him what I do for his sake.  "I do them for you because of how I feel about you."

"But you don't like," he half asked.

I gave him a long answer, "On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 means I absolutely hate it and 10 means I absolutely love it, ... without considering what you want ... just on its own ... I'd say it's a 3. Maybe 3.5 ."

He said, "ok" and I kept explaining that I had suppressed that feeling since the leash and kneeling incident, because that alt wasn't connected to my RL anyway, so I could dissociate.  In the past, we had talked about dissociating when we do things I'm not comfortable with, and he argued against that too.  He'd rather not do it, if it meant I would dissociate, because it would make him feel lonely.

I had to go afk, and he said he would also get a cup of coffee.  When I came back, he had unlocked the collar and set it to invisible.  He left it on, only so that he could still tp me and undress me because I enjoy those.

That was June 11 in the early morning.

I was stunned and deeply touched.  In response, I cleaned my profile to remove anything about BDSM in it, including my character's background story.  I wouldn't have another master again.  If I wanted a master again, I'd rather it was him.  And if he refuses to be my master, then no one else will be, not even temporarily.

Besides, I committed that alt to him.  And with that statement, we started another argument.  He said that he doesn't like the idea that, when our relationship is over, I'd put that alt to sleep.  I asked why it would matter to him what I did with that alt, if he doesn't care about me anymore.  It would just hurt me if I log in as her because it would remind me of him.  He said that the idea makes him "smell" death on her already.  *sigh*

Then we argued about the terms of endearment that I call him.  He didn't want me to call him those words again because they would remind him of what he "lost".  *sigh*


He wasn't sure how our relationship would go after that.  And it seemed that we had been arguing even more since.  They're not emotional arguments, but more like negotiations.  Each of us explaining what we prefer and why.  But they're tiring anyway.

Many times, during those arguments, I doubted whether it was still worth staying.  We argued about every little thing.  We couldn't be more incompatible.  And it felt as though I was the one who was always giving in.  And it was too much work.  And for what?

I always said I wouldn't chase after a man who doesn't want me.  And it felt as though he only wanted me because I wore his leash and collar.  And now that those are gone, what else could he want from me?



Then two things happened.


Bullied

We had been looking for new sims to hang out in where he never took his other alts in.  We were trying to avoid his new alt being associated with his other two alts and causing jealousies from his other lovers and subs again.

We were quietly chatting on a swing in one of those sims when a couple approached us.  They had been hanging around for a short while before the man came and stood a few feet from us.  His companion looked like a little girl.

The sim was a PG sim and the swing only had cuddles.  Yet the man came and told us to go elsewhere and rent a room.  I replied and told him to leave us alone.  They themselves looked like they were doing age-play and we didn't bother them, so why were they bothering us.  He insisted that his companion was normal-sized and that I was a "monster" for being tall.  Of course, he was my size, and he didn't explain why he looked like an older man who was with a girl avatar that was barely half his size wearing bright pink lipstick and pigtails and a title which included the word "princess".

Then he moved his avatar over us so that his crotch was right at mine.  So I stood up and started filing an abuse report while Wolfgang had words with him.  The "old man" continued to be verbally insulting and abusive towards me.  Wolfgang continued to insult him back.  I finished the abuse report and even forwarded the chat log to the owner of the sim.  At that point, the intruders took over the swing.

So, all that was just so they could take over the swing, just like schoolyard bullies.

We teleported out after I got the reports done.  And as Wolfgang hugged me goodnight, he wanted to go back and make them uncomfortable by hanging around.  But he was going to leave his avie there while he was afk and I was uncomfortable with that.  They could get him into a compromising scenario and file a report against *him*.

What surprised me was that he kept insisting that I let him do it his way.  To be honest, he didn't need my permission.  He could have just sent me off to bed and gone back after I logged off.  But it felt as though he couldn't do it until I gave up and said, "Fine, do it your way."


Hell hath no fury

Alt#27 first received a cryptic IM that said, "don't believe all she says."  The account was only a few days old.  I figured it was mistakenly sent to me.

The next day, a notecard came from another new account.  In the notecard, she wrote many things about Wolfgang and his alts and his BDSM activities.  Of course, I knew about those.  But she painted a very unflattering picture of him.

I told Wolfgang about the notecard and he thought he knew who it might be.  An old friend who thought there was more between them than there really was.  As we talked about it, I said I wouldn't do anything about it unless she contacted me again.  He asked me what I would.  I said I would just talk to her.  I was thinking of calming her down, but he took it as a sign that I trusted her more than I trusted him, and he became upset.

I had to explain to him that it wasn't an issue of not trusting him.  It was an issue of worrying he would exacerbate the situation if he confronts her, especially since it was he whom she was upset about and it was I whom she was reaching out to.  And especially since he doesn't always choose to do the wisest thing, like going back to the sim where the bullies were.

He said it's a matter of protecting his own privacy.  And we argued about that too.  She pulled me into the issue, so it became my problem.

But, in the end, I had to agree to not respond to her if she contacts me again.

To be honest, the notecard *did* make me doubt him.  I know his faults.  I've witnessed them and he had admitted to them.  And I accepted them as part of who he is anyway.  And because I knew a lot about him, I was able to discern what parts of the notecard were fact and what parts were her opinions.  But the notecard still raised some doubts.

At that point, I brought up the idea that I was thinking of leaving.  And that started another argument.  He was hurt by the way I said it.  Because it was as though it was only my decision and that it wouldn't affect him.  Suddenly, I had a sense that he would really be hurt if I left.

He was upset because I just decided to talk to the woman instead of conferring with him first.  From my perspective, it was my problem because she came to me.  I don't need to ask anybody's permission to talk to anybody I wanted to.  From his perspective, talking to her was a decision that he and I had to agree on.

And then we talked about "us."  The "us" that I didn't think existed because we had an unequal relationship as dom and sub, because he always felt distant, because it felt as though I was the only one who was there because of emotions.  Suddenly, there was "us."  The man who didn't want my name in his profile was talking about "us."

He is psychologically very complex.  And very stubborn.  He told me about his childhood and his teenage years and I understand him a bit more.  It's still very exhausting.

If I knew that it didn't make a difference to him whether I stayed or not, I would leave.  But the conversation had changed things.  He still refuses to say he loves me, because he says that the word "love" means different things to different people and that he communicates with his behavior instead.

At the same time, I don't want to end up like his old "friend" who misinterpreted his friendship for romantic love.

But I'm staying for now.  I saw his own pain.  I saw the reasons for his walls.  Maybe that's also why he can't let me go.  Maybe I'm one of the very few who see through the walls.

Sometimes, all we really need is a witness.

Juxtaposition

More than ten days ago, I started the draft for this entry. I had chosen the title "Juxtaposition" because I wanted to talk about the differences between my relationship with The Impossible and my relationship with Wolfgang.

But I got too busy with my teaching aids for the machinima class I am teaching at the MODA Modeling School, and that took up most of my time during the past couple of weeks. Both lovers have been busy as well, so I haven't seen as much of either of them as I wanted.



Anyway, Wolfgang eventually relented and created a new alt. As I promised, I took over the alt as soon as he created it to give him a makeover, which took me a good part of a day. I'm so used to doing and redoing makeovers now, so, at the end of the day, he even had several outfits that he could change into. I consulted with him about the skin, and it turned out to be a knock-off (probably copybotted) version of his skin. He kept wanting to have the same hairstyle but I tried to steer him away from it.

I wanted his other lovers to get the impression that I had moved on to another lover; otherwise, they'd be jealous again if they knew he created an alt just for me.

By the time I relinquished his alt back to him, it was dressed in a Victorian gentleman's suit, with only a demo hairbase and lots of folders with demo hair in the inventory. The ones I picked up when he TP'd me to his favorite hair store. So, now, when I'm in Alt #29, he's also in Wolfgang#3. He still occasionally IMs me with Wolfgang#2, which is the one I met and the one that he's mostly in. But I rarely see Wolfgang#2 anymore.

Throughout our argument (and a big part of the argument), he didn't want to create a new alt. He didn't think he could project into it. Both his alts are several years old and they look very similar. He said he couldn't be anything else. He only conceded to create a new alt to give it a try. But he kept telling me that it would feel as though it's not him. I didn't think so.

But I was happy that he finally created an alt just for me. So the alt felt like it was "mine". That it was a gift given to me, albeit, reluctantly. I was half-expecting that he'll eventually give up the alt and throw it away.

So, the next time we met after the makeover, I was surprised when he said that he had to apologize. I couldn't understand why. For one, he didn't seem like someone who would apologize. He has a lot of pride and he seems to be the type who is certain about everything he chooses to do. I was even more touched when he said that he really appreciates the work I had done on his alt. He really saw it as a throw-away alt. But he saw how much care I took in doing the makeover. And so he promised that he would do his best to project his "soul" into it.

That was the first evidence of the change.

Since the reconciliation, he was more considerate, more tender, more sweet, more affectionate. He asks for my opinion before he decides anything about the alt. He expresses gladness when I like something he did on it. When he dresses his alt, he goes for more subdued, more conservative, styles. Maybe because he is influenced by things I like. He's making the alt more to my liking.

He remarked that Wolfgang#3 looks more effeminate than his other alts. I disagreed. In fact, it looks more confident, more mature. I said that he gave this alt something -- a certain quality that he didn't give his other two alts. It feels like Wolfgang#3 has more innate power. His first two alts look like rebels. And being rebellious means that he feels he doesn't have power, that he has to fight for it. On the other hand, Wolfgang#3 has a more dignified self-confidence, which means that he is more secure about his power. He *knows* he has power and he doesn't have to fight to prove it.

He agreed that it feels there's some extra quality in Wolfgang#3 that isn't in his other alts. But he disagreed with my explanation. His explanation was that, unlike his two other alts, Wolfgang#3 doesn't have to '"fight" for [my] affections' because my affections were already given to Wolfgang#3 from the start. And that was another surprise. I never thought that he was fighting for my affections. In fact, I thought he was taking my affections for granted, like it was just one more gift among the many gifts that his friends and admirers leave at his feet.

But, now, it feel different. We're emotionally closer. And it feels more reciprocal. Less of a BDSM relationship. More of a traditional relationship.

Compared to most of my other lovers, he's still very reserved. He once called himself a "cold animal." I disagreed. I see a lot of passion. Very strong emotions, but withheld or redirected into anger.



In stark contrast, Impy (The Impossible) is very warm and very expressive, and naturally tender and affectionate. Being with him is like being cuddled in a nice comfortable warm bed with lots of fluffy pillows and a fuzzy blanket on a cold rainy morning. He keeps melting my heart.

Sometimes, it feels like I have more in common with Impy than with my RL sisters. We think the same way. We enjoy the same things. And it's not that he liked them simply because he knows I like them. Those things were already a part of his life, long before I met him.

What if he's actually one of my concurrent incarnations? :-O ;-)

Sometimes, it's like we're thinking out of the same brain. The INTJ in me looks for a "mind-mate" and he is that. There is an intellectual connection that is both stimulating and comforting at the same time. For a while, I thought it was just going to be a casual affair. But occasionally, he would say something that melts my heart or stuns me. Like when he said his heart "compressed" when he got to the part in my book where I talked about considering suicide.

Recently, he took me to a place that had an awesome installation recreating the infamous Chinese Terracotta Army. During that visit, I suddenly felt this feeling that I rarely feel these days. It's that sense of awe and wonder, and an excitement about possibilities and the promise of SL. That was the second or third time I felt that while I was with him. It was like a deja vu feeling, like I was thrown back to my early days in SL.

I told him that he brought the magic back to SL. I had told him that at least once before.

I usually don't hang out with newbies much. They drain my energy. I get tired having to explain basic things. But not with Impy. He "gets" it. And very quickly. I don't have to explain; I don't have to give detailed instructions. Not just because the man is a techie. I have a feeling he's also highly intelligent because he's a very quick study, but he doesn't let on.

And because he "gets" it, he also gets the potential of the platform and why it is very exciting. And when I meet someone who sees the possibilities that I see, then -- my god -- the magic comes back. When everyone else is falling by the wayside because of disillusionment with SL and virtual worlds, it is very heartwarming to have a companion along that increasingly lonely road.



Once in a while, I'd have a lover or a romantic friend who becomes my "witness." My life witness. Someone who sees the many sides of me. Inside and out. And because of that "witnessing," they've become the deepest and most significant relationships in my life. Impy is becoming one of those witnesses.

Or maybe, he already is.