The cricket's thumb

Sometimes, friends remember things I've said that have impacted their lives, even if I don't remember saying them. Sometimes, friends say things that have impacted *my* life, even if they didn't think anything of it. Oftentimes, it takes a while before the impact hits me.

Howard pinged me yesterday after reading my last blog entry. So, I figured I'd get his advice and the conversation got to why a man would hide his virtual affairs from his wife, even though he claims that she doesn't care about him anymore. Howard's response was essentially that the man still loves his wife and still wants to spend his life with her, and he doesn't want to jeopardize that, whether he is aware of it or not.

I had to let Howard go when Lover logged in. I wanted to know where we stood. I had separated Alt #9 from the rest of me and put her to sleep, so that I could be free to be with someone else. Now that there's only him again, the question becomes: Does Alt #9's partnership to his alt also means that Opal is partnered to his main as well? And when he cannot come into SL anymore, do we continue in email?

He said okay about continuing in email, just to appease me. I sensed a reluctance and that's not what I wanted. Certainly, there were logistics issues, but, if he really wanted me, those issues were very minor. He explained that he already lost me, that he "cried [his] ass off over [me]", that he didn't expect the Hitchhiker would release me, and that he's still stunned from that news.

I had a chat with Lora later in the evening, and she kinda confirmed what Howard said, even though I asked her a different question altogether. I think they're both right.

I had a sense that the Hitchhiker coming into my life provided Lover a good reason to make his exit. It eased his guilt for leaving. But when the Hitchhiker exited stage left before he could complete his own exit, he was stuck with me in his hands and now he doesn't know what to do with me.

To be honest, I feel like a hot potato.

Then, today, it hit me. The same words that the Hitchhiker said to me apply just as well with my lover. I need to step aside myself so that Lover could work on his marriage.

And, here, I thought the cricket had been unusually quiet the past three months. Little did I know that he was just waiting right outside the parking lot with his thumb out, hitching a ride.

tgyi, mfpwtff

Transformation of the cricket

One lover pulled me back into the real world and, thereby, showed me how one reality enhances the other. But the real world has responsibilities and commitments and vows, and the cricket chirped.

Then another lover brought me into a deeper fantasy and, thereby, reminded me how imagination enhances our lives. And in a world of fantasy, there are no responsibilities, no commitments, no vows, and the cricket was muffled.

That's where I've been. Deep inside my imagination, deep in tales and myths and metaphors and archetypes.

But the emotions are still real. No matter how deep into fantasy you get. At a time when I thought he was rejecting me, he thought I was rejecting him. And I realized that perhaps I was as important to him as he is to me.

In the middle of that argument, he mentioned the cricket. He feels that I'm still hearing it, and he said I had to either shoot it or follow it. He advised following it.

The day after the argument, I sent him a roleplay scenario just for the two of us. A few days prior, he had told me the story of Eos, the goddess of the dawn, who had asked Zeus to make her lover Tithonos immortal, but she forgot to ask for his youth to be preserved. So Tithonos aged and shrunk, until he became a cricket. The roleplay scenario extends that myth. The fantasy continues.

I did take his advice. I followed the cricket. I followed Tithonos... my darling Tithonos.

There is no question

The problem with guilt is that it does not coexist with joy. It cannot. But the joyfulness is part of who I am, part of the woman he fell in love with.

We had agreed that RL is more important. He had his commitments with his RL relationship. What I didn't realize was that my principles are part of my RL and deserve as much attention and respect. Sacrificing my integrity is too high a price to pay for a fantasy. No matter how wonderful that fantasy is.

So, last night, I set the cricket free and I set him free. The heart aches; the tears flow. But it was the right thing to do.

The same RL friend who had once given me good advice also said, "If there is a question, there is no question." If the cricket does its job well, the question "Do I burn in virtual hell or real hell?" will no longer arise.

There is no question. Not anymore.

Illicit

Since I was a young woman, I had promised myself that I would not mess with married men or men who are otherwise committed.

In SL, he is not partnered, but he just got out of a relationship. In RL, he is not married, but he is in a long-term committed relationship.

The question I did not resolve in September comes back to haunt me. If I have an affair in virtual reality with a man who's married (or committed) in real life, do I burn in virtual hell or real hell?

How separate, really, is SL from RL? The emotions are real; that, I know. And those emotions that come out of SL affect our moods in RL and, therefore, affect RL. Time spent in SL relationships is time taken away from RL relationships. Likewise, our beliefs, our behavior, our individual culture, our upbringing, our attitudes, all these come from RL and affect SL.

So I think I've learned something else about that mysterious line between SL and RL. It is not a foot-thick lead wall. Instead, it is a porous membrane. Things seep through, both ways. The membrane stretches towards one side or the other. And, yes, the membrane can burst with enough pressure.

That is why the guilt is there. I am stealing his time away from his RL gf and I am stealing my time away from myself.

And, for several days now, I've been swatting Jiminy Cricket away. Then, last night, I put the cricket in a jar. Last night, I started an illicit affair.

My love story

I was once engaged.

He bumped into me, literally, at the Graduation Temple in Orientation Island. That day, we spent many happy hours exploring SL together. But, after finding out a small detail about his real life, I agonized with a moral dilemma: If I have an affair in virtual reality with a man who's married in real life, do I burn in virtual hell or real hell?

Yet, in spite of that anguish, I agreed to be betrothed to him on the second day. For five glorious days, I came in-world twice a day for trysts with my lover, who lives nine timezones away. And we flirted with each other to our hearts' desires, calling the other every imaginable term of endearment.

Ah, but this love affair was meant to be short-lived. For, on the seventh day, a security breach scared my lover away from this world and away from my life forever. And so, here I am, a bride left at the altar with tearful eyes, waiting... longing... wondering.... Has my lover abandoned me for one yet fairer in beauty in another reality? Or have I become a widow 'ere I became a bride?

[Touch back of hand to forehead and faint... Oh, wait, I gotta rez a fainting chair first.... ;-) ]