One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

"Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

Today, I heard a "ding-ding".

The IM was from him, from Tom of The Cromlech. First, there was the system message that said my autoresponse was sent to him. Then, there was his ...

"Is it Monday?"

This time, it wasn't a dream. Obviously.

And he didn't follow the script; he was supposed to say "hi" and not ask if it's Monday yet. That was MY line.

I asked him if he had read my blog. He said no. So I copied the first three paragraphs from yesterday's post into the IM window.

Opal: You miss me, I presume?
Tom: Of course I do.

So I met him to give him a hug.

Tom: missed me, I presume
Opal Lei smiles.
Opal: if you didn't miss me, I wouldn't sense you.
Opal: If I didn't sense you, I wouldn't miss you.
Opal: If I didn't miss you, you wouldn't sense me.
Opal: If you didn't sense me, you wouldn't miss me.
Opal: That's why I asked for 2 weeks.
Tom: I don't enjoy not talking to someone who has a place in my heart
Opal: Then the cycle will keep going.

For him, friendships mean saying hi whenever he sees them log in. I wondered if I should just hide my status from him. He said if I do that, then I might as well just dissolve the friendship.

All or nothing.

Opal: I don't think we're done.
Opal: I've said that before.
Opal: If we were done, there won't be this attraction anymore.
Opal: There won't be this pull.
Tom: I dont know how you understand friendship
Tom: I don't feel a lover's pull towards you
Tom: I feel a friend's need to stay in touch
Tom: and share your life
Tom: There's a big difference for me.

He kept saying I should dissolve the friendship, but he claimed it wasn't his wish. Finally, he agreed (again) to not bother me for two weeks.

But in the end, he still called me "love".


To be honest, I see all these red flags. I get conflicting messages; he says one thing and then denies that's what he meant. He disregards my boundaries; I asked to be left alone for two weeks; he couldn't stay away for more than a few days. He didn't like the fact that I analyze my relationships and that I clearly define my boundaries, because it is "distancing", meaning I lose his affections.

It was as though he demanded more of my affections and trust, when I had already trusted him with my RL information, whereas he wouldn't even trust me with a copy of the RL picture, which I saw in his 1st life tab before I made him aware that there's really no anonymity online.

Whether he's conscious of what he's doing or not, it feels like he's trying to gain some kind of control over me.

And there's a little voice inside me that's warning, "Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!"

Karmic Second Life

Today, I heard a "ding-ding".

The IM was from him, from Tom of The Cromlech. First, there was the system message that said my autoresponse was sent to him. Then, there was his "Hi". That was it. I said "Hi" back. Then a pregnant pause as though we didn't know what to say, which has been typical since we broke up. I asked him what's up. Then a blurry few lines that didn't make sense. Maybe I protested because I asked him not to IM me for a couple of weeks. Maybe I asked him how he was, and all he said was "calm as a wind" or "calm as" something. I forget. But it was a comparison that didn't make sense.

Then I woke up.

This was the most lucid dream I had of him yet. Since the day we met, he had been in my night dreams. There's strong karma here and it's not going to be pleasant. I have a feeling I'm in for a difficult lesson.

In contrast, I had a wonderful morning with Lucky Bastard yesterday before I went to bed. We were on voice the entire time. I mentioned that my new affairs lately seem to last only a week, and he said that maybe I needed someone in real life. I said I don't want a real-life relationship; I have great fear. I hadn't told him the story of my marriage. And as I started telling him, he asked if I wanted to voice instead of typing it out. I guess he sensed it would be a long story. :)

It was the first time I heard his voice. And I heard the voice of a man who is wise and kind and gentle and patient. The voice of a man who cares deeply but doesn't impose his will on others. I heard his laughter. Such wonderful laughter that came with the great wit and sense of humor.

Even though he holds the "title" Lucky Bastard, it is I who am lucky for having met him. He came when I needed him most, and he was there for me. He said that it was karma. If so, I must have done something really good in a previous life.

Towards the end of that conversation, I realized that he is becoming more and more what MAMJJ was to me. Just as MAMJJ was, Lucky Bastard has now also become my teacher, my guru.

Minds like mine

Minds like mine invented and built the computers that you now read this blog from.

Minds like mine created the software systems that made this fantastic virtual world possible.

Minds like mine are wonderful at creating so many things and doing so many things.

Being effusively emotional isn't one of them.

Too cerebral

"I find it very distancing and unspontaneous. Everything seems deliberate. Too deliberate, too cerebral."

That's his ISFP self talking about my INTJ self, because I moved him from one alt to another and then proposed a 30-day time limit on the affair, even though I explained why.

But this is who I am. I am INTJ. I'm the exact opposite of what he wants. He wanted me to be emotional, and I thought I already was. With him, I always felt not good enough, and more than once I felt like an idiot because I didn't know some obscure fact. Why the hell am I expected to know about a little country in Africa? As an ISFP, he's more interested in facts. As INTJ, I'm more interested in ideas. I accept that difference; he doesn't.

He would complain about things that I don't know how to fix. He says I have the potential to "sweep someone" (off their feet?) because he had a glimpse of that side of me, and he wanted me to sweep him. I had no idea how. Wasn't that something that just happens spontaneously?

When I think about it, his questions probing about my relationships, asking me to compare him with other men I've been with, felt as though he was choosing between me and another, as though he was weighing the pros and cons of being with me.

Finally, he pondered that we might be better off as friends than lovers. So, we remain friends, but I warned hm I don't have time for friends. He didn't like that.

Yesterday he IM'd me just to say hello, but, as usual, he was distracted. He was dancing with an old flame, while working and chatting with me. I told him I thought it was disrespectful to her because he wasn't focusing on her. He disagreed. I asked if she even knew that he was chatting with me, and he said that he didn't have to give status reports.

He IM'd me again in the evening. I thought that if he kept IM'ing me, that he was hurting from the breakup, so I offered a hug, and he accepted. But, as we started talking, he seemed very cynical and cold. And he was distracted again, I'm sure, so I said I needed to get back to work. I had given him time during the past week, in spite of having deadlines. There was no point to that, if he's not my lover anymore. I don't have to wait on him.

After we said goodnight, I IM'd him again with a request. I asked for no contact for a couple of weeks, to give me time to heal. After a short discussion, he finally agreed. There would be silence.

I know he's hurting, but he's too proud to admit it. In that sense, we are very much alike. I am hurting but I'm too proud to admit it. At least, to him. I confess in this blog instead.

They say we hate in other people what we hate about ourselves, and we admire in other people what we like about ourselves. There were many instances when he rubbed me the wrong way unconsciously and I let them pass. It'll take some time for me to process what he is reflecting back to me. If nothing else, maybe I'd learn a lesson or two.


A lotus

As if on cue, Lucky Bastard logged in after a long absence, looking for me since yesterday. I think there's a psychic link between us now that he could sense when I need him, when my heart is breaking.

We caught up with each other today (technically yesterday) and he said he was thinking about me. I jokingly asked which part of me he was thinking of and he simply said, "soul." And after we passed witty remarks about my dirty mind, he said, "lotus always grows in the dirtiest waters."

A compliment is one thing. That was way beyond a compliment. That was a witnessing. It was as though he said, "I see the true you" in the deepest sense.

I remember something I said many years ago to MAMJJ that he was my witness. At that time, he was the only one who knew my RL identity and my RL-associated alt and he was witness to everything I did. He hasn't been into SL for a very long time now.

Now, Lucky is my witness. He sees me. All the way into my soul.

In a world like this, it is extremely rare to find someone who cares deeply enough to watch over you, who delves deep to truly know you, who accepts and loves you exactly for who you are. He never said he loves me. But what he does for me speaks volumes.


A song dedication

I was feeling lost. Once in a while, I'd get a surge of emotions so strong that my torso would physically curl as though I was hit in the chest. But I have to work.

I was playing Il Divo in Rhapsody in the background. When I heard "Come Primavera", I remembered Rapido. After I checked the time, I realized it was halfway through his show, and I hadn't listened to his show for months, so I did.

He was talking when I turned it on. And suddenly the world changed. It felt like it did when we were together. Images came back to my mind... the pavilion with the elephant he never said anything about, the hammock on the beach sky-orb. There was sun in my mind again.

Then suddenly, I half understood he was about to play a song for "una amiga". Then he said "Il Divo". Then he said other things (in Spanish, of course), but he explicitly said "Opal Lei" several times as though he was making sure that I knew it was for me. I had a big grin on my face.

He remembers me. He remembers us.

He knew I was listening, because his website has tools that showed what cities listeners were from.


If it's real, the love never fades away.

Tom of The Cromlech

By 2am Wednesday morning, Alt #6 (the sex alt) already had sex but was hanging out at a beach, juggling IMs with a couple of guys. Then a ding-ding.

He asked if I wrote my profile myself. I said, "Of course. Copyrighted and all rights reserved." He invited me to another beach for a dance. I politely declined since it would have been disrespectful to the ones I was already chatting with.

As if on cue, one of the guys I was chatting with had to go. And the other conversation was slowing down, so I wrapped it up. And soon, I was dancing with this charming man on a lovely beach.

When I went to bed that morning, I had a dream about him. Actually, it was him and Lucky Bastard blended into one character.

On Thursday morning, he said he loved me very much since the first day. I was stunned.

On Friday morning, he briefly met Alt #11, but he still preferred Alt #6. So, I went back to that alt. I asked him to make the usual promises. He didn't like negotiating. Then he let me read the poem "The Cromlech" by Louis MacNeice. And he called me "Tessy" and I called him "Tom." Then he read me one of his own poems.

I decided to introduce him to Opal and my RL, since I've recently outed Opal anyway. It just made it a lot easier to talk about myself, instead of deciding which information to reveal and which not.

But that evening, we had a spat. We had been going into foreplay, but he decided that we should wait until Monday, when he would not be interrupted. As we were saying goodbye, I said something about going out to take the edge off. He correctly assumed I was going out for sex. Then he asked questions so I thought it bothered him, but he said it didn't. Then he said that he had other women he makes love to, just as I had other men. That statement bothered me. I want to know the truth, but it didn't have to be rubbed in my face. After he left, I decided to move him out of Alt #6; I didn't want emotional attachments there, after all.

By Saturday, the spat was forgotten, and he was moved over to Opal. Since then, I'd ask if it's Monday yet. :)

By Sunday morning, it was "Monday." Unexpectedly.

By Monday morning, we had voiced, although I couldn't hear him well because of static noise. But it was just casual conversation.

This morning, we exchanged complete horoscope charts. :D And I've never done that with anyone else before. I'm beginning to see where we differ. Horoscopes say we're completely compatible. But his MBTI is almost the exact opposite of mine.

Yeah, maybe I analyze too much.

Anyway, I saw Lucky Bastard and Surf once each this past week. No sex with either. *sigh* Why is it that the more lovers I have, the less sex I get? I'm beginning to suspect that sex and love are two opposite ends of a spectrum. The more sex you get, the less love; the more love you get, the less sex.

Or maybe the more love you get, the less sex you need. Especially if the sex you get is just a substitute for the love you need.