"my sub gave me so much of her it is difficult for her to imagine to share my affection"
Wolfgang's stalker returned, and we were talking about the risk of Alt#27 being linked to Opal. He was concerned about his sub finding out, because she is very possessive and she wants to be his only lover. She became aware of Alt#27 a long time ago, but she now thinks Alt#27 is no longer in his life.
What she doesn't know is that I have given him much more than she has. Not only have I given him so much of myself, but I have also given him what I was not. I was not submissive, yet I gave him Alt#27 as his sub, rebellious though she is. I was not bisexual, but I gave him Alt#32 who is partnered to one of his female alts. I loved my sexual freedom, yet I gave him Alt#6, who is now practically exclusive to him, even though he still allows her her freedom.
What I did not have, I created for him. What I was not, I became for him. Even if it was difficult. Even if it was painful.
And more importantly, I give him his freedom. Even if I feel jealous. Even if it hurts me to think of him enjoying the company of another. I give him his freedom, because his happiness is important to me, wherever he might find it. Even if he finds it in the arms of another.
When his sub was gone, I was happy that he spent more time with me. When she
returned, he looked forward to seeing her, and I saw less of him, and my heart broke. But I
accept it, even if it pains me.
I worried that his sub would find this blog and put two and two together, and she would realize that I am his lover that she felt jealous about a long time ago. If she does, I hope she understands that I accept her presence in his life, because she makes him happy, or else he would not be with her. And I hope she accepts my presence in his life, because I still make him happy somehow, or else he would not be with me.
I allow room for her in his life. I allow room for his other lovers and friends in his life. Because that is how I love him. And because that is how I define love.
Showing posts with label Alt #32. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Alt #32. Show all posts
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
"i fought for you"
While Wolfgang was on a holiday, I sent him some seductive photos and links to "entice" him back. It was a way for us to stay in touch by email, since he couldn't have access to SL during the entire time. The last one was a simple group photo with Alt#27, Alt#32, and -- for aesthetic reasons -- Alt#6.
I had used Alt#6 for a seductive photo with Alt#27 in the past. At that time, he wanted her to be his. I refused, but I said he could have a one-night stand with her. It was his turn to refuse; he said that he didn't want emotionless hard sex.
But this time, he thought that, by adding her to the photo, I was offering her to him in the way that he wanted. I wasn't; I was just planning to include her in one of our RPs. He wanted to "meet" her before the planned RP, so I logged her in and we did a quick impromptu RP about forcing her to take a bath because she was muddy.
His reaction to her, taking her side while Alt#32 was the strict aunt, bothered me to the point of jealousy. It seemed odd because she's my alt, but I later realized that it reminded me of an old RL incident where I felt the same way, where I felt that I was being pushed out. Meanwhile, Wolfgang was trying to convince me to allow Alt#6 to "stay" with us as a "niece."
I argued that Alt#6 was meant for a specific purpose and she needs to be free from attachments. I explained that, when I had a lot of anger and when I hated myself, I logged into her to use men and to be used by them. He argued that he wasn't trying to stifle her. At some point during that conversation, he finally understood the reasons why she couldn't be his or anyone's for that matter. But he expressed his sadness and disappointment. And that made me more jealous. Why was she more important to him than Alt#32, who was partnered to his alt?
He fought for me. He fought me for me. He's still fighting.
I had used Alt#6 for a seductive photo with Alt#27 in the past. At that time, he wanted her to be his. I refused, but I said he could have a one-night stand with her. It was his turn to refuse; he said that he didn't want emotionless hard sex.
But this time, he thought that, by adding her to the photo, I was offering her to him in the way that he wanted. I wasn't; I was just planning to include her in one of our RPs. He wanted to "meet" her before the planned RP, so I logged her in and we did a quick impromptu RP about forcing her to take a bath because she was muddy.
His reaction to her, taking her side while Alt#32 was the strict aunt, bothered me to the point of jealousy. It seemed odd because she's my alt, but I later realized that it reminded me of an old RL incident where I felt the same way, where I felt that I was being pushed out. Meanwhile, Wolfgang was trying to convince me to allow Alt#6 to "stay" with us as a "niece."
I argued that Alt#6 was meant for a specific purpose and she needs to be free from attachments. I explained that, when I had a lot of anger and when I hated myself, I logged into her to use men and to be used by them. He argued that he wasn't trying to stifle her. At some point during that conversation, he finally understood the reasons why she couldn't be his or anyone's for that matter. But he expressed his sadness and disappointment. And that made me more jealous. Why was she more important to him than Alt#32, who was partnered to his alt?
[2013/01/12]
Wolfgang#6:
you are my special one, and nothing and none can replace that
you must know that and be sure about [it]
we could fuck the entire sl world [of] women [avies] together, you'd keep your place with me.
i don't release you
Alt#32:
You like her too much.
Wolfgang#6:
i like her
and it is nice i do
i like opal also
Alt#32:
You fought for her.
Wolfgang#6:
i fought for opal
i fought for [Alt#27]
i fought for you
in fact, i fought for "you"
in your representations here
Alt#32:
We argued.... that's not the same as fighting for me.
Wolfgang#6:
you are wrong
we argued
and i fought
both
and exactly same about [Alt#6]
we argued, and i fought
difference is just i lost ;)
like with opal
He fought for me. He fought me for me. He's still fighting.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Land shifts
I'm moving... both in SL and in RL.
Actually, my SL moves have already occurred. If only RL moves were as easy.
I had been thinking of lowering my tier and the easiest way to do it is by giving up the quarter sim in Fendahl. When I was still thinking of moving Mer Betta there, I didn't know how to build the ground level, but I saw a build in an RFL fair that would be perfect. It was a mountain island with rocks shaped like a skull and a cove with a pirate ship in it. So I talked to the creator who was very gracious and told me where to get the sculpt maps for the skull and he even gave me the texture that he created for it. I decided to make my own texture so I could match it with the other rocks that I wanted. That was where I filmed my first Mer Betta ad.
Anyway, I met Micah in July 2010 soon after I bought that parcel. She was a friend of the previous owner, and she logged in on the parcel when I was building it. So I asked her first if she wanted to take it over, because the land had sentimental value to her. Otherwise, I would just abandon the land to Gov Linden. She wanted it, and so I transferred the land to her on the 20th of the month. (My tier is charged every 21st of the month.) I gave her copies of the objects that I could transfer, including the skull and the elephants on top of the skull. I left some of my things that I couldn't transfer until she could purchase them herself.
Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to move my tier down because most of my lands were deeded to groups in order to get more prim allowance. So I had to give up two more parcels in Aglia that were given to me as gifts. Now, I'm down to just my parcels in Aglia and Zeuzera (including my very first 512 sqm plot) and the parcel in Dunbeath where I have the Mer Betta store, the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, and the recording studio for "Talk, Like Dim Sum".
I don't remember how the conversation started about finding a new home, but I got nervous about Alt #27 and Alt #32 being associated with Opal/Treasure and my RL. So, we decided (actually, it was more my decision) to find a place that was really our own. Not just mine.
In a sense, it was a good decision, because I had to give up the parcel we were on anyway.
The first parcel was a beautiful location in the water but the owner was a jerk, because he wanted us to pay for the prims of an ugly build that he refused to remove. I was pissed. Wolfgang was more sympathetic to the owner (which pissed me off even more), so I told him to deal with the owner himself. I wanted to leave; he wanted to work it out. I asked him if he was attached to the land and he replied that he wasn't attached to material things. I said I'd rather be homeless than deal with jerks like that owner. It was that statement that prompted him to say, "ok ok ... let's leave." And we started picking up our things.
I wanted to just let the rent expire, because we figured the owner wouldn't refund us the difference anyway. But W wanted to be polite, so he informed the landlord when I refused to. The landlord later replied, proving himself even more of a jerk. W finally conceded that it was a good idea to get as far away as possible from people like that.
At first I couldn't understand why W wanted to stay so bad that he and I fought about it. Then I realized there were two reasons -- he himself deals with renters, and it was the first home that was truly equally ours. Like his comment about making plans about the future, giving up a jointly shared home probably made him nervous about our future together. In a sense, he was fighting for our future together.
Anyway, we went back to a private-sim parcel that we saw earlier and we started building it, avoiding the use of Opal's stuff and searching for freebies and cheapies instead. The ground level is practically done.
Meanwhile, I keep sorting and packing for my RL move ....
Actually, my SL moves have already occurred. If only RL moves were as easy.
Skull Mountain
I had been thinking of lowering my tier and the easiest way to do it is by giving up the quarter sim in Fendahl. When I was still thinking of moving Mer Betta there, I didn't know how to build the ground level, but I saw a build in an RFL fair that would be perfect. It was a mountain island with rocks shaped like a skull and a cove with a pirate ship in it. So I talked to the creator who was very gracious and told me where to get the sculpt maps for the skull and he even gave me the texture that he created for it. I decided to make my own texture so I could match it with the other rocks that I wanted. That was where I filmed my first Mer Betta ad.
 |
| A stereoscopic pair showing Skull Mountain. The platform was temporarily installed for my 5th rez day anniversary. |
Anyway, I met Micah in July 2010 soon after I bought that parcel. She was a friend of the previous owner, and she logged in on the parcel when I was building it. So I asked her first if she wanted to take it over, because the land had sentimental value to her. Otherwise, I would just abandon the land to Gov Linden. She wanted it, and so I transferred the land to her on the 20th of the month. (My tier is charged every 21st of the month.) I gave her copies of the objects that I could transfer, including the skull and the elephants on top of the skull. I left some of my things that I couldn't transfer until she could purchase them herself.
 |
| A view of the west from the south side of Skull Mountain. |
Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to move my tier down because most of my lands were deeded to groups in order to get more prim allowance. So I had to give up two more parcels in Aglia that were given to me as gifts. Now, I'm down to just my parcels in Aglia and Zeuzera (including my very first 512 sqm plot) and the parcel in Dunbeath where I have the Mer Betta store, the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, and the recording studio for "Talk, Like Dim Sum".
A home with Wolfgang
I don't remember how the conversation started about finding a new home, but I got nervous about Alt #27 and Alt #32 being associated with Opal/Treasure and my RL. So, we decided (actually, it was more my decision) to find a place that was really our own. Not just mine.
In a sense, it was a good decision, because I had to give up the parcel we were on anyway.
The first parcel was a beautiful location in the water but the owner was a jerk, because he wanted us to pay for the prims of an ugly build that he refused to remove. I was pissed. Wolfgang was more sympathetic to the owner (which pissed me off even more), so I told him to deal with the owner himself. I wanted to leave; he wanted to work it out. I asked him if he was attached to the land and he replied that he wasn't attached to material things. I said I'd rather be homeless than deal with jerks like that owner. It was that statement that prompted him to say, "ok ok ... let's leave." And we started picking up our things.
I wanted to just let the rent expire, because we figured the owner wouldn't refund us the difference anyway. But W wanted to be polite, so he informed the landlord when I refused to. The landlord later replied, proving himself even more of a jerk. W finally conceded that it was a good idea to get as far away as possible from people like that.
At first I couldn't understand why W wanted to stay so bad that he and I fought about it. Then I realized there were two reasons -- he himself deals with renters, and it was the first home that was truly equally ours. Like his comment about making plans about the future, giving up a jointly shared home probably made him nervous about our future together. In a sense, he was fighting for our future together.
Anyway, we went back to a private-sim parcel that we saw earlier and we started building it, avoiding the use of Opal's stuff and searching for freebies and cheapies instead. The ground level is practically done.
Meanwhile, I keep sorting and packing for my RL move ....
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Fight or flight
The bet
August 14, 2012. Impy was talking about Guild Wars 2. It was supposed to come out on August 28 and he was excited about it.
[2012/08/14 16:59:16]
Alt#24: After you buy GW2, I won't see much of you anymore.
That's where your time will go.
Impy2: no, i dont think so
i will not go fully into GW2
Alt#24: I should make a bet.
Impy2: lol, you will loose
Alt#24: I think you'll be too tired to come into SL.
Impy2: no, this is 'diferent', it is not a game
Alt#24: And after your eyes get accustomed to the great graphics in GW1, you will not want to come back to SL.
Impy2: laughs
XDDD no way
Alt#24: Make the bet then!
Alt#24: Okay.
Here's my bet.
By October, you will drop down to once or twice a week in SL.
Impy2: nope
Alt#24: Make the bet and I'll track it.
Impy2: what do you want to bet?
Alt#24: 1,000L
You can afford that.
Impy2: :D ok
Alt#24: ok ... Deal.
Impy2: deal
Alt#24: One day, my darling, you'll learn never to make a bet with a Filipina.
Impy2: haha :D
November 9, 2012. Impy logged in after my presentation at the Non-Profit Commons. He had logged in a week before, but we didn't log into our dedicated alts then. This time, we did.
[2012/11/09 10:28:20]
Second Life: [Impy2] paid you L$1000.
Alt#24: What's that for?
Impy2: remember our "bet"?
Alt#24: I forgot.
Impy2: :) laughs.
Alt#24: What was the bet?
Impy2: don't remember..."I bet you will log less and less....till one day in the week
Alt#24: oh
Impy2: i said no...
Impy2: you won :S
Alt#24: In that case, you owe me another 4000L
I won that bet because that's typical in my Second Life. Lovers fading away. Some disappear without a word. Some fall away, but they keep in touch by email, until eventually the emails disappear too. Some *do* return. Rapido did. And now, Impy did too. Even Yes Man had contacted me recently and we had a brief chat by disembodied IM to catch up on news with each other.
In the past, I figured I would always be abandoned. I have abandonment issues and they say that you would always get the same lessons in life until you learn them. I imagined that was the lesson I had to keep learning.
After all, I was always the one who was more immersed in SL. And my lovers were more focused on their RL. So it was only natural that I'd be the one left behind.
In fact, that was how I viewed every lover. He was just there for a short time and, eventually, he'd fade away. I could bet on it with confidence....
I don't think about to leave you
Later that same afternoon, I saw Wolfgang#2 logged in when it was already very late for him. He said he was on his way to bed. I asked for a hug before he goes to bed; he declined. I was very disappointed.
I imagined he was with his sub, and I felt bad that he spent the whole evening with her, but I couldn't even get five minutes for a hug. After he logged off, I couldn't focus so I logged my social alt and went to Frank's. I hid in a corner while listening to the music and working on other things outside SL. I said hi to a friend and another friend caught me. The second one proposed RL sex after finding out that we actually live near each other. I declined. He's less than half my age.
The next day, Wolfgang asked how my day was, as usual. And I mentioned taking my social alt out and the conversation with the young friend. I also mentioned that I spent a little time with Impy and that he's back. Then he asked me how Rapido was, and I said he was fine but I hadn't seen him for a while either.
[2012/11/10 02:26:25]
Alt#32: It's been just you for a long time.
Wolfgang#4: yes i know ... but it looks to change soon
Alt#32: I don't know.
Wolfgang#4: i think it will anyway as you show the wish it does
Alt#32: How do I show the wish?
Wolfgang#4: because all that, the dance with [social alt], the impy around, rapido too
I told him that I didn't really dance. I was just standing in the corner. Then I explained, "Sometimes, I just need to be around crowds because I feel lonely. And sometimes I feel lonely and rejected when I can't even get a five minute hug."
And the argument started.
I tried to appease him. I tried to prove I was thinking of him even as I stood at Frank's because a song played by the DJ made me think of him. He continued to think I was trying to make him jealous, simply because I didn't get a hug. I was trying to explain that it was just a slight disappointment and I went out to soothe myself.
I kept repeating what I said in so many ways. It was as though he wasn't listening or he didn't believe me. At one point, I felt like the argument was going nowhere, and I said, "I am at a point where I am seriously thinking of giving up." I was seeing red.
And that became another point of contention.
The argument continued through email the next day. Even while he was at a family gathering.
I said, "I always believed that love should be the only reason to be with another person. Maybe I’m a romantic idealist. I’ve wanted to run away because of our differences. I stayed because I love you. But, if my love for you is not a good enough reason, then what reason is there to stay?"
He replied, "I always believed that when you love someone, you don't have to search a reason to stay, because then, you don't wish to leave. And i believe that when you wish to leave, the meaning is that you don't love that much, or not that much anymore. ...
" Love is a good reason to not leave someone, it is just so bad that some reasons need to be found to decide to stay. ... Romantic words are words, reality is reality. ... You, the romantic, want to leave because [of] 2 argues and our differences. ... Me ,the not romantic, was here and stayed here without thinking about to leave, although our argues, although our differences which are for me constructive and not a problem. ... You, you say to me you love me. I, I don't think about to leave you."
My own reply was much longer, but essentially, "Running away doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Sometimes, it just means I am feeling more pain than I can handle. I can deal with arguments; arguments can be logical. I have a very difficult time dealing with emotional pain, because emotional pain often irrational. Feeling jealous is irrational. Feeling rejected just because I didn’t get a hug is irrational. ...
"You get hurt because of the argument. I’m already hurt before the argument starts. For me, the argument is like pulling out the arrow and cleaning the wound. It hurts more, but it’s necessary for healing. ...
"The will is not stronger than love; the will gets its strength from love. When I say I love you, I am saying that my love powers my will to stay and it overrides my impulse to run away from the pain. That impulse is the fight-or-flight instinct. When I cannot fight anymore, my instinct is to flee. But fleeing would not make you happy, so I stay."
We had a couple more exchanges by email before we met inworld again. And we made up.
But this argument has opened my eyes. As he says, I look for a reason to stay, but the thought of leaving me never even occurred to him. If he's right, maybe the impulse to flee is also triggered by fear. Fear of commitment. Fear of the relationship going further than I am prepared to go.
Somehow, a shift happened inside my brain. Somehow, I see him differently now.
Maybe I should save my Lindens. I'm not making any bets with this one.
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
― Dr. Seuss
Saturday, October 13, 2012
7 days
It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.
Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.
When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".
The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"
As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".
At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.
Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.
And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.
I hardly see Rapido anymore.
At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.
Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".
I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."
He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."
His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".
He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".
The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.
After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.
A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.
I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.
Well, needless to say, we argued again.
This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.
I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.
I told him I'd decide the next day.
I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.
In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.
During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....
"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."
I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.
It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.
But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.
So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.
So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.
Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.
But the countdown had ended.
So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.
I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.
He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.
He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.
"you are mine"
Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.
When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".
The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"
As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".
At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.
"i prefer he is your lover than another"
Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.
And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.
I hardly see Rapido anymore.
At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.
Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".
I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."
He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."
His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".
He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".
a birthday gift
The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.
After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.
A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.
I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.
Well, needless to say, we argued again.
This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.
I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.
I told him I'd decide the next day.
I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.
I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...He replied with "Yes I wish".
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above
In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.
During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....
tracker redux
"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."
I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.
It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.
But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.
So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.
So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.
packing the past
Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.
But the countdown had ended.
So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.
I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.
He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.
He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.
Friday, October 05, 2012
Loving strangers
Last night, I watched the movie "Room in Rome". It's a Spanish-produced movie in English. Two women visiting Rome -- a Spanish mechanical engineer who came to Rome to exhibit her new invention, and a Russian doctoral student whose sister gave her the trip to Rome as a wedding gift. They met at a bar and spent their final night in Rome together. It's a very sensual, romantic, and sexual movie.
There were times when the acting felt contrived, and the blood in the bathtub scene was a bit over the top. But it was a beautiful movie anyway. And the theme song "Loving Strangers" by Jocelyn Pook (Russian Red) is charming.
I think it's the first lesbian movie I've watched. And after watching it, I understood why Wolfgang wanted us to do this scenario. It was more than a sexual roleplay; it was a tender romance that was very different even from his RL relationships because he is an alpha male.
We had been arguing again. I don't even remember how it started. We were just talking about our relationship and how we felt in it. I said that I still feel lost in the new femme-femme relationship. I explained that I know why I'm in the relationship but I don't know why he is. He also wanted me to fall in love with his female avatar's face so that I would feel the urge to kiss her as I see her. I kept insisting that I already feel the urge to kiss her because she is him, and that it has nothing to do with her beauty.
He was touchy. I was touchy. We weren't really listening to each other. We were feeling rejected by each other.
He wanted us to go back to Alt#27 and Wolfgang#3, our M-F pair. So, when we met again, I was waiting there for him. We danced and we talked.
Old issues kept coming up. I realized how deeply he was hurt, simply by the fact that I was uncomfortable with our F-F relationship. I realized that it was as though he had embedded his innermost self, his most vulnerable self in that female alt. And by rejecting her, I was rejecting his soul.
He compared me to a bulldozer going through a glass store, because I am blunt and direct with my words. And suddenly, I remembered Mr. October. I was hurting Wolfgang simply by being who I am, like I did with Mr. October six years ago. My initial urge was to just walk away, but there are more emotional entanglements in this relationship than in my relationship with Mr. October.
Because I met Wolfgang in a BDSM environment, I assumed that he was thick-skinned, that he wasn't easily fazed. He had several relationships and so did I. We were secure in ourselves. He was also emotionally distant and he warned me about not assuming anything about him, based on our RPs. So I chose to simply assume that I was the only one who feels love in this relationship, and that this was just sensual pleasure for him. I refused to assume he felt any affection for me because he never said so, even though he says there are many clues from how he behaves toward me.
I realized how hurt he was when he said that he wanted to destroy Wolfgang#6. This is the man who doesn't even like the idea of my alts being in hibernation because hibernation feels like death to him. I begged him not to destroy her. If he did, I would lose that door to his soul and I may never access it again.
At the end of our dance, he asked if I wanted a cuddle with our F-F pair before I went to bed. I agreed. So we logged into those alts and cuddled and talked, more tenderly this time. As we were saying goodnight, we talked about when we would meet again. He had some RL commitments and I told him to not worry about me. And that set off another argument.
"I don't worry about you," he said, "You are making me angry again... I wish to see you... You are not an obligation."
Then he said, "I have feeling for you... whatever you want to know or think."
I have feeling for you.
That was the closest he had come to saying he loves me. And he said it with frustration because I refuse to acknowledge that he really does or that he is happier with me than with anyone else. As he says, "Or else I not be here."
I'm beginning to realize how very vulnerable he allowed himself to be in this new relationship. I've hurt him twice in less than two weeks. And deeply. But he doesn't blame me, because he views it as a consequence of opening himself up.
At the same time, he also created this new relationship to protect me from himself, from his harshness, his bitterness, his "acid" nature, his armor.
I'm beginning to realize what I really mean to him.
There were times when the acting felt contrived, and the blood in the bathtub scene was a bit over the top. But it was a beautiful movie anyway. And the theme song "Loving Strangers" by Jocelyn Pook (Russian Red) is charming.
I think it's the first lesbian movie I've watched. And after watching it, I understood why Wolfgang wanted us to do this scenario. It was more than a sexual roleplay; it was a tender romance that was very different even from his RL relationships because he is an alpha male.
We had been arguing again. I don't even remember how it started. We were just talking about our relationship and how we felt in it. I said that I still feel lost in the new femme-femme relationship. I explained that I know why I'm in the relationship but I don't know why he is. He also wanted me to fall in love with his female avatar's face so that I would feel the urge to kiss her as I see her. I kept insisting that I already feel the urge to kiss her because she is him, and that it has nothing to do with her beauty.
He was touchy. I was touchy. We weren't really listening to each other. We were feeling rejected by each other.
He wanted us to go back to Alt#27 and Wolfgang#3, our M-F pair. So, when we met again, I was waiting there for him. We danced and we talked.
Old issues kept coming up. I realized how deeply he was hurt, simply by the fact that I was uncomfortable with our F-F relationship. I realized that it was as though he had embedded his innermost self, his most vulnerable self in that female alt. And by rejecting her, I was rejecting his soul.
He compared me to a bulldozer going through a glass store, because I am blunt and direct with my words. And suddenly, I remembered Mr. October. I was hurting Wolfgang simply by being who I am, like I did with Mr. October six years ago. My initial urge was to just walk away, but there are more emotional entanglements in this relationship than in my relationship with Mr. October.
Because I met Wolfgang in a BDSM environment, I assumed that he was thick-skinned, that he wasn't easily fazed. He had several relationships and so did I. We were secure in ourselves. He was also emotionally distant and he warned me about not assuming anything about him, based on our RPs. So I chose to simply assume that I was the only one who feels love in this relationship, and that this was just sensual pleasure for him. I refused to assume he felt any affection for me because he never said so, even though he says there are many clues from how he behaves toward me.
I realized how hurt he was when he said that he wanted to destroy Wolfgang#6. This is the man who doesn't even like the idea of my alts being in hibernation because hibernation feels like death to him. I begged him not to destroy her. If he did, I would lose that door to his soul and I may never access it again.
At the end of our dance, he asked if I wanted a cuddle with our F-F pair before I went to bed. I agreed. So we logged into those alts and cuddled and talked, more tenderly this time. As we were saying goodnight, we talked about when we would meet again. He had some RL commitments and I told him to not worry about me. And that set off another argument.
"I don't worry about you," he said, "You are making me angry again... I wish to see you... You are not an obligation."
Then he said, "I have feeling for you... whatever you want to know or think."
I have feeling for you.
That was the closest he had come to saying he loves me. And he said it with frustration because I refuse to acknowledge that he really does or that he is happier with me than with anyone else. As he says, "Or else I not be here."
I'm beginning to realize how very vulnerable he allowed himself to be in this new relationship. I've hurt him twice in less than two weeks. And deeply. But he doesn't blame me, because he views it as a consequence of opening himself up.
At the same time, he also created this new relationship to protect me from himself, from his harshness, his bitterness, his "acid" nature, his armor.
I'm beginning to realize what I really mean to him.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Eight reasons
He wanted a femme-femme relationship, not just a sexual one, but a deeply emotional romantic one. He knows I'm not bisexual. I suggested that he ask his other lovers, since we're not exclusive, but he specifically wanted it with me. So, I asked, "Why me?"
We had been having this discussion for days. At one point, he had an epiphany about how differently we react to our relationship. Because I love him, I wanted Wolfgang#3 only to myself and not share him. Because he loves me (of course, he still didn't explicitly say so), he wanted to share Alt#27 with his other alts.
He had one specific female alt in mind. And he wanted to share Alt#27 with her.
He had never done this type of relationship with another. He had a sub as that female alt, but it wasn't satisfying to him. He never had a female-female relationship where both are equals, and that's what he wants to experience.
Finally (and reluctantly), I agreed ... but on my own terms. I didn't want to lose the exclusivity between Wolfgang#3 and Alt#27. And I wasn't comfortable with that particular female alt because there's an uncomfortable "history" between us during our old RP. Besides, there was still that risk that his stalker would discover us.
So I suggested using entirely new alts. So, Alt#32 and Wolfgang#6 were born.
I must say that his general demeanor through this alt is much more tender, sweeter, less restrictive. I took the lead in this relationship, mostly because we were fixing up our avatars and shopping as a female was my domain.
But, it's only been a few days, and we've already had a big fight. I couldn't relate to him through his alt. It felt as though I was conversing with the RL him in IM while some female bot was cuddling with me.
We were in the middle of a seduction the day of that fight. At some point during that seduction, an old issue came up and I stopped. He was disappointed. I became quiet and he continued to explain, as I'm sure he sensed me distancing myself. But his continued explanations felt more like an incessant attack. So I blurted out that I hated Wolfgang#6.
He was hurt. She represented his more tender inner self, and he felt that I rejected that part of him. But, to me, she wasn't him at all; she was competition. Because he created her, I saw her as his ideal of what a woman should be. We have very different styles. I even told him that she (his alt) looked like a sophisticated and cultured cosmopolitan woman, while my alt looked like an earthy California hippie love child.
Anyway, when I felt that I disappointed him, I blamed it on "her". But I felt sorry after I realized I was bringing up my own childhood issues -- the sibling rivalries with my sisters, the sense of not being good enough because I was being compared with them.
And I also realized why these issues are coming up with him. I had been (and now am) in situations with him where I really didn't know what to do or how to behave, because I was new to those situations. First, BDSM and then this. So, my brain brings up situations from my past that were similar in one sense or another to give me some context. And the psychological issues also come with those memories.
In our past arguments, he would respond with anger. He even admitted that anger was the only emotion he expressed. But this time, he expressed deep sadness. That in itself melted my heart, so I stopped the fight and apologized.
So we reconciled that same day and, somehow, we feel so much closer faster than ever. He had made himself vulnerable to me, and because of that, I feel more protective over him.
I never thought I'd be comfortable with this. I thought it would just be a short experiment and we'd go back to the way we were. Just a few days ago, I'm pretty sure I felt exactly what little boys felt about kissing little girls, like "Ewwwwww! She has cooties!" And, yet, in the past 24 hours, we had made love twice. And we rarely made love before.
I told him that I won't do this with anyone else. He said he wouldn't either. It wasn't my nature and it wasn't his. So this relationship is something unique to each of us and to both of us.
He was surprised that I actually enjoyed the lovemaking. So was I. But it wasn't because his avatar is a female. I still try to suppress that "ewww" feeling. But I can RP the lovemaking well because I know how I want to be made love to, so I simply describe that. And most importantly, it's because I know it's ultimately him in the back end.
It was something I myself told him that made me realize why my perspective changed. I said, "I will love you in any form you take. Even if it takes me a while to learn how to."
If he chose a dragon avatar or a furry or a tiny or an elf or a drow or a minotaur, it wouldn't be so hard to love him that way. So why then is it so hard to love him as a human female? Am I really the type of person who is so stuck on societal prejudices and stereotypes, even with someone I love?
I am grateful he asked for this. I am getting a better sense of his inner world through this new relationship. But we're not giving up the old one. Now, it feels like this new "relationship" with these new alts is just one subset of our relationship, like a small bubble inside a bigger bubble.
And if this is the only door to his soul, then I'm gladly walking in.
Wolfgang#3: first because you have some love for me, and would be supposed to love me [through] her
Alt#27: ...?
Wolfgang#3: ah you wait [for a] second lol
Alt#27: lol
Alt#27: You said "first"! So I expect there's more.
Wolfgang#3: second because i was sure you d like my gentle and soft parts
Wolfgang#3: third because you like rp too
Wolfgang#3: 4th because a female is always in competition ... with another, and would not have been like that with me as i m not a female
Wolfgang#3: 5th because you like aesthetic as much as me
Wolfgang#3: 6th because you like explore things, and parallel behaviours that only sl [allow us to] do
Wolfgang#3: 7th to enjoy my nature [appeased]
Wolfgang#3: 8th because all the other numbers could let you be in love with her [as with Wolfgang#3]
Wolfgang#3: i probably forget a few other reasons lol
We had been having this discussion for days. At one point, he had an epiphany about how differently we react to our relationship. Because I love him, I wanted Wolfgang#3 only to myself and not share him. Because he loves me (of course, he still didn't explicitly say so), he wanted to share Alt#27 with his other alts.
He had one specific female alt in mind. And he wanted to share Alt#27 with her.
He had never done this type of relationship with another. He had a sub as that female alt, but it wasn't satisfying to him. He never had a female-female relationship where both are equals, and that's what he wants to experience.
Finally (and reluctantly), I agreed ... but on my own terms. I didn't want to lose the exclusivity between Wolfgang#3 and Alt#27. And I wasn't comfortable with that particular female alt because there's an uncomfortable "history" between us during our old RP. Besides, there was still that risk that his stalker would discover us.
So I suggested using entirely new alts. So, Alt#32 and Wolfgang#6 were born.
I must say that his general demeanor through this alt is much more tender, sweeter, less restrictive. I took the lead in this relationship, mostly because we were fixing up our avatars and shopping as a female was my domain.
But, it's only been a few days, and we've already had a big fight. I couldn't relate to him through his alt. It felt as though I was conversing with the RL him in IM while some female bot was cuddling with me.
We were in the middle of a seduction the day of that fight. At some point during that seduction, an old issue came up and I stopped. He was disappointed. I became quiet and he continued to explain, as I'm sure he sensed me distancing myself. But his continued explanations felt more like an incessant attack. So I blurted out that I hated Wolfgang#6.
He was hurt. She represented his more tender inner self, and he felt that I rejected that part of him. But, to me, she wasn't him at all; she was competition. Because he created her, I saw her as his ideal of what a woman should be. We have very different styles. I even told him that she (his alt) looked like a sophisticated and cultured cosmopolitan woman, while my alt looked like an earthy California hippie love child.
Anyway, when I felt that I disappointed him, I blamed it on "her". But I felt sorry after I realized I was bringing up my own childhood issues -- the sibling rivalries with my sisters, the sense of not being good enough because I was being compared with them.
And I also realized why these issues are coming up with him. I had been (and now am) in situations with him where I really didn't know what to do or how to behave, because I was new to those situations. First, BDSM and then this. So, my brain brings up situations from my past that were similar in one sense or another to give me some context. And the psychological issues also come with those memories.
In our past arguments, he would respond with anger. He even admitted that anger was the only emotion he expressed. But this time, he expressed deep sadness. That in itself melted my heart, so I stopped the fight and apologized.
So we reconciled that same day and, somehow, we feel so much closer faster than ever. He had made himself vulnerable to me, and because of that, I feel more protective over him.
I never thought I'd be comfortable with this. I thought it would just be a short experiment and we'd go back to the way we were. Just a few days ago, I'm pretty sure I felt exactly what little boys felt about kissing little girls, like "Ewwwwww! She has cooties!" And, yet, in the past 24 hours, we had made love twice. And we rarely made love before.
I told him that I won't do this with anyone else. He said he wouldn't either. It wasn't my nature and it wasn't his. So this relationship is something unique to each of us and to both of us.
He was surprised that I actually enjoyed the lovemaking. So was I. But it wasn't because his avatar is a female. I still try to suppress that "ewww" feeling. But I can RP the lovemaking well because I know how I want to be made love to, so I simply describe that. And most importantly, it's because I know it's ultimately him in the back end.
It was something I myself told him that made me realize why my perspective changed. I said, "I will love you in any form you take. Even if it takes me a while to learn how to."
If he chose a dragon avatar or a furry or a tiny or an elf or a drow or a minotaur, it wouldn't be so hard to love him that way. So why then is it so hard to love him as a human female? Am I really the type of person who is so stuck on societal prejudices and stereotypes, even with someone I love?
I am grateful he asked for this. I am getting a better sense of his inner world through this new relationship. But we're not giving up the old one. Now, it feels like this new "relationship" with these new alts is just one subset of our relationship, like a small bubble inside a bigger bubble.
And if this is the only door to his soul, then I'm gladly walking in.
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