The final countdown

Almost two years ago, on the second day I met Spot, he and I had a very bad argument about trust.  It was more than an argument; it was a real fight.

We stopped talking to each other after that, and not in good terms either.  Then three months later, he sent me a notecard saying that he was leaving SL, but that he had hoped we'd have a correspondence by email because I was one of the few "different" people that he had met during his years in SL.

That invitation was very unexpected.  What's even more surprising is that he's one of my closest friends in SL now.  (No, we were never lovers.)  Maybe the arguments themselves strengthen the relationship, because you air things out, because you know where you stand, because you discuss things, instead of allowing the resentment to simmer.

Anyway, during that argument, he said, "people in relationships [fight] to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."

He's right.  It's so much easier to walk away.



I've had my share of arguments.  Some lovers even claim that I enjoy arguing.  But sometimes, you have no other choice except to walk away.

Sometimes, there's really nothing to argue for.  Sometimes, you have to admit that maybe that was all it was meant to be.  No matter how wonderful the relationship was.  No matter how special it seemed.  No matter how much that realization hurts.

Sometimes, you have no right to fight for what you want, if getting what you want means you'd be putting your lover's happiness and well-being at risk.  Because he made previous commitments.  Because he has higher priorities.

"If you love something, set it free."



Impy used to do a countdown before he said goodnight.  It was a wonderful technique that soothed my abandonment issues.  They also say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.  Since he's not here, I suppose I'd have to do it.

So, here we go...

3...

JustForOpal

I was offline when he logged in. A half hour later, my email got delivered and I got a few of the popups in the bottom right of my screen that fade all too quickly. But I glimpsed something that said "JustForOpal".

My first thought was that it was junk mail, and I groaned. I get enough junk mail with my regular email address. I didn't want to get junk mail in my Second Life emails too!

Then, I went to my inbox and realized that JustForOpal is a resident's name, and there was nothing in the message, except "woopf". I thought, "Omg, do I have a stalker?"

I couldn't log in right away to see the notecard he sent, but it only took me about a minute of wracking my brain when I realized who it was. It was Spot.

He had left SL several months ago, but I convinced him to create an alt for me so we could continue talking. He did. And he said it was only for talking to me. Well, I guess he got tempted and he tainted that alt. Then he left again. LOL. He didn't say why, but he must have gotten brokenhearted again. *sigh*

Now, this one is really just for talking to me. And his name says it. Let's see how long he can keep this one pure. *giggles*

I told him to put this in his profile About:
"If I'm talking to you for more than 5 minutes and you're not Opal Lei, please report me to Opal Lei. I owe her 1,000L for every time I use this alt for something else besides talking or dancing with her."

He hasn't yet.

*grins*

Waves on the sand

Updates

1.
Lucky Bastard was speechless. He found me in Yahoo the morning after I wrote the last entry. My email was "very unexpected." He said, "i care but i do not want to go that deep... where my emotions take over my life in sl." I knew that; he had been telling me that all along. I told him I didn't expect him to, and I'm not asking him to. I was just expressing how I felt. But I stopped logging into Yahoo, since I log there just for him anyway. Maybe a little distance would center me.

2.
Rapido stopped talking to me. He didn't reply to my IMs when he logged in. Two days now. I sense he's mad at me. Or jealous because of that blog entry. *sigh* When I was with him last October, we were exclusive even though we didn't make that commitment, simply because I saw him everyday. When he came back recently, we hadn't had a chance to talk and I brought it up the last time we were together; I said that all we did was have sex. His response was that, when he's with me, sex is all he could think about. And that was a very sweet thing to say, especially since he knows what I look like irl. But I don't think he knew I have other lovers this time. Or maybe he has a new lover now. But I still think it's rude for him to not even reply back with a "hi". *sigh*

Update: He's not mad at me. He said his son must have used his account. *sigh*

3.
Spot sent Alt #11 an unexpected message. He said he was leaving SL, but he offered his email address and said he would be honored if I would correspond with him, because of the thousand or so people he met in SL, I was one of the very few who was "different". The message was unexpected because we kinda agreed not to talk to each other anymore, although he *did* wave at me once, when he saw me at Frank's. After a few emails back and forth, we talked in Google Talk a couple of times and exchanged RL info. I convinced him to create a new alt (which he created just to talk to me because it's inconvenient for me to log into Google Talk). I've been telling him about all the activities I've done in SL just to illustrate that there's much much more to SL than "idle banter" and that there's a big wide world outside Frank's.

4.
And Rocky came back from a trip. I was a bit pissed at him because we exchanged email addresses so he could stay in touch while he was traveling, but he didn't check the email address he gave me until he got back from his trip, because, as he says, it's not part of his routine yet. *sigh* But we had a lovely evening anyway. He tp'd me to Sunset Jazz where we stood hugging for a long time (we never even entered the club), then I tp'd him back to my place to show him what I had built. While we were there, I introduced him to Gmok, then to Umpa Lumpa, then to Hottie, then to Admiral Creaky. Of course, he pretended to be jealous. But there were sexual undertones in the conversation and the giggling, and one thing led to another.... :) Lately, we had been talking about what we would do when we meet in real life, in detail, like going to that dim sum restaurant we both like. So I asked him if he was serious about meeting me irl. He said he was. It was just a matter of scheduling. At this point, we figure that July would be the earliest. So, we'd have our own fireworks.... ;)


Waves

If you asked me how many lovers I have now, I cannot say. It seems that my love affairs are changing and taking on shades of gray. Lovers fade in and fade out. The delineation between would-be lover and lover and that between lover and ex have blurred. Lovers come and go and come and go again. Like waves coming up the shore and withdrawing again. And each time a wave comes and goes, the sand changes. Each time a lover comes and goes, a part of me changes. And, sometimes, it's only after the wave withdraws that we see the change in the sand.

A day full of lovers

Facebook poke

First, there was a poke in Facebook from a lover from the distant past. I told him to quit poking and come into SL. He agreed that he should, complimented my avatar, and asked a few questions about how my SL was doing. I sent him a long reply. :)


An exchange

In the early afternoon, "Surf" logged in and spent time with me. We were just chatting about random things, like why I have a separate Facebook account for my SL and for my RL. Then he sent me his picture. I declined. He sent it again. And again. I finally accepted.

He has a sweet face with a warm tender smile and sad eyes. So I became indebted. This was the man who waited eleven months to be with me, and he still couldn't believe I consider him a lover. I couldn't leave that gesture unreciprocated. I told him that he could see my picture after we exchange RL info. So, after he sent me his picture, I gave him the link to my personal website. He crashed while browsing, as he thought he would. I waited for him to log back in. When he did, the first words he said were, "You are amazing." He had already quickly scanned my photography site as well. Then he gave me his RL name and a couple of websites linked to him, although he had shrunk his internet footprint, so that was all he had. But he promised that if he reinstates his Facebook account, he'd definitely friend me there.

There was an initial apprehension on my part when we agreed to exchange RL info. I warned him that it could ruin his fantasy. When he got back from browsing, he said that it didn't. But I'll wait and see. I've seen men say that in the heat of desire, and then never show up again.

But it felt comfortable with him. I was only worried about how it would affect his desire for me, not about anything else. It's amazing when you discover that there's already trust there, and someone could love you for who you are inside. He's an RL friend now; we've established that. And it feels nice and warm and comforting and loving.


A short respite

In the evening, "Lucky Bastard" came back. He logged in while I was with Surf and asked him if I could meet him later. He had a long day today, was very tired, and would have another long one tomorrow, but he came back anyway. He doesn't understand how something so simple as that could mean so much to me.

I've been abandoned too many times in SL. Men who refuse to say when they would be in again because it feels like a burden to them; men who say they would come at a certain time and never do. That's the norm.

But that's not him. If he said he would be in, he came in. He might be late, but I always knew that there was a very good reason why.

We talked a bit about business today. And I had to stop him from doing too much for me. I emphasized that I only needed him to give me advice, not to do my research for me too. It's just the way he is. Then we talked about animations and I showed him the Sculpties Mall. With a lot of hugs and kisses interspersed throughout the conversation.

He couldn't stay long, but that was enough for now. My hunger for him is appeased for a while.


About last night

It's strange how these two romances are in stark contrast to a conversation I had with someone else just last night. Let's call him "Spot".

He pinged Alt #11 at Frank's the previous night. He was very gentlemanly, highly intelligent, compassionate, emotional, comfortable with talking, and we had a lot in common. It was a very friendly and interesting conversation with almost no reference to sex. He didn't want sex in SL; he didn't want romances in SL. He is unattached in real life and he wanted the real thing.

However, he played with three women during his early months in SL. And he fell for another woman that he still seemed very attached to. He thought that he was over her, until he talked to me. And he talked about her constantly. I figured, since he wasn't interested in me, maybe my role was to be Dr. Phil. So, I told him the story about the monks crossing the river, and he laughed when I asked him why he was still carrying her. He had heard the story before, but I supposed it surprised him that it applied to his situation.

And I was similarly surprised when he asked if he could add me as a friend and what time I was usually in. So we agreed to meet the next night, which was last night.

At first, it was like the previous night. Lots of witty banter. Learning about each other. And then the conversation went into trust. The previous night, he had promised to be brutally honest with me and that he would keep my secrets. But last night, it felt as though he was looking for a loophole.

Suddenly, I realized that he didn't believe anything I said and I couldn't trust anything he said. And if I couldn't trust anything he said, how could I trust his promises? And that meant I was at a very vulnerable position after I had revealed so much about myself. Maybe it was a good thing that he didn't trust anything I said either, but I still felt very vulnerable. So, I started saying goodnight, making the excuse that it's very late for him anyway. I had to cut my losses.

But he challenged me. He said that it was very interesting that I would say goodnight at that point in the conversation. And as we continued arguing, he changed the dance into a slow one where he was holding me close. I commented on it.

He said that, sometimes, doing the paradoxical thing was the right thing to do. He added that "people need to be reminded sometimes why they're fighting."

I asked why *we* were fighting. His reply was, "well people in relationships are fighting to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."

I argued that he and I were not in a relationship. He agreed and said, "So I have no idea why I had this idea to do this."

I was ready to walk away. Why did he hold me back?

Suddenly, he was very nice and sweet. The song "My One and Only Love" played on the stream and he typed out the lyrics in chat as though he was singing it to me. I succumbed and mellowed out. Then we said goodnight.

He wants only RL. I want only SL. And he still carries one other in his mind. A lot of things would have to happen before he could be a lover:
1. We'd have to learn to trust each other. We can't even have a friendship without trust.
2. One of us would have to give in about the SL/RL thing.
3. He has to stop carrying her in her mind, or go back and carry her across the river so he could set her down; otherwise, our conversations would always be about her.
4. He has to be willing to carry *me* across the river, and, at this point, he's not willing to cross that river with anyone in SL.

So, it's not gonna happen. And that's a good thing. So I have more time to focus on my current ones. The ones who fill my heart.