Black is back

There's a Zen koan that goes something like this:

An older monk and a young monk were on their way to a temple where they would spend the night. Along the way, they came upon a river that was swollen from heavy rains. On the river's edge stood a woman who was trying to figure out how to cross.

Now, monks are not allowed to touch a woman at all and the young monk thought that they would simply pass the woman. Instead, when the older monk realized the woman's dilemma, he said, "Come on, woman," and picked her up on his shoulders. The young monk was shocked at the older monk's actions but he chose not to say anything.

When they reached the other bank, the older monk set the woman down. She thanked them profusely and they all went their separate ways. When the monks were in sight of the temple at sundown, the young monk suddenly blurted out, "You... You touched that woman back there!"

It was the older monk's turn to be surprised. He replied, "I set her down a long time ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

I have two young monks who continue to carry my sex alt.

The first one would IM every month or two for more than a year now, even after I had thought we already said our goodbyes. I was getting him ready to meet Opal when he chose not to move forward. His reason: "Rivers always run." That was after I told him the Zen koan. Months later, he returned and said, "I had forgotten how good you are." Because I had succeeded in tempting him again. :)

The second one also said his goodbyes and came back several weeks later. He has now made it a point to check on me every Saturday.

Black, whom I had talked about in the past, goes in the opposite direction. Whereas most of my other lovers met my sex alt first, Black met my RL alt first. In spite of all the heavy sexual flirting, I haven't had sex with him -- yet. He was gone from SL for a long time, and he came back yesterday. In a different alt. He left because he "didn't want to be tempted by the SL distraction". I think he came back precisely because of the SL distraction.

I think he's my third young monk. But he decided to come back to the river so he could carry me across and, more importantly, so he could set me down on the other side. As friends with privileges, no exclusivity, and in roleplay to muffle the cricket.


(My young lover who wanted exclusivity also returned, still deeply in love with my voice. But he caught me at a busy time because of the faire so I'll have some catching up to do with him too. *sigh* I am blessed.)

Tout ou rien

He gave me an ultimatum today and I don't know what triggered it.

We were just shopping for shoes. I was going to buy it for him, but he refused. Then, somehow, the conversation got to the exclusivity topic again, right there at the shoe store. He said goodbye and stormed off. I went back to my workloft.

A short while later, he tp'd to my workloft and stood there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything, then he left again. In the evening, he IM'd me again. He was still unwilling to compromise. All or nothing, not even friendship.

He is too young and too inexperienced to understand what a commitment entails. And for him, a commitment is total. Even dancing with other men would not be allowed if we were exclusive. And he doesn't like the fact that I have several other alts. Would he also restrict me using those alts, even if they were just for roleplay or other businesses?

It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that he refuses to compromise. It breaks my heart that he refuses to keep the friendship.

But it doesn't matter...

*I* will keep the friendship...

In case, he wants it back...

Someday.

Young lover

I met him as my sex alt four months ago. It was just a sexual arrangement. He is so young, in his 20s. But, so sweet, I couldn't deny seeing him again. I told him I couldn't be exclusive because I was with the Captain then. He didn't mind, since he had another girlfriend anyway.

We had to find places where we could talk in public chat and still be alone, in order to use the translator. His English is very limited. And, well, I'm learning to cyber in French. *grins*

He was the young lover I left for another in January. I went back to him afterwards and he welcomed me back warmly, repeating over and over that he missed me.

Last week, he wanted to hear my voice and, since I had been seeing him for a while now, I agreed. He fell in love with my voice, with my breaths. I fell in love with his voice and his charming accent as he tried to read the English translations out loud. He has great tenderness for his age. And also great innocence and naivete.

The next day, I decided to introduce him to Opal. After recovering from his initial shock (he was intimidated by Opal's ancient-ness), he was fine. Then I tried to introduce him to my RP alt, and he almost panicked. He said "je veux une femme... pas deux ou trois". Well, the built-in Google translator in the Emerald viewer translated that as "I want a wife... not two or three". The word "wife" made me panic.

We talked again today and it was clear that he wanted exclusivity. I couldn't give it to him. I'm seeing other men but not seriously either. And, yes, I care about him deeply and I love him, but I need more than just sex in a relationship. Even though I focus on the sex, when all is said and done, I need much more than that. As mature and charming and generous as he is, he doesn't yet have the wisdom that comes with experience and insight. Therefore, he could not understand me. Heck, most men my age could not understand me. It can't be a serious relationship if it doesn't go beyond the superficial.

He said he would find another woman, and we agreed to continue to meet as we have before, but no exclusivity. Still, my heart breaks for him, more so now than when I first broke up with him. I wish I were the right woman for him and he the right man for me, but neither of us is. I know my needs and it would not have lasted.