Birthday doppelganger

"Aha !" was how he titled his email.

Your bday gift is got !

You'll have to tell me when you'll wish to receive it ;)

 And I initially thought, Hmmm, he bought another sex furniture?!

At the designated time on Oct 1, my birthday gift said hello.

I knew she was my gift because her username was very close to my real name. And that felt weird.

Flashback to the Captain

Many years ago, I was going to create an alt for the Captain to use in a BDSM roleplay with him. He said that doms typically named their subs. And when I asked him what he wanted me to name my new alt, he said my real name. I declined. I reasoned that it could make me lose my anonymity. He eventually gave me a different name but still related to my real name.

So, when I realized that Wolfgang named my gift after me, I had mixed emotions. But there's more....

(By the way, during the first week of October, the Captain logged in after a long absence. And so did Rocky, also after a very long absence. I wondered if long lost lovers returning to SL was going to be a trend, but it was just the two of them.  :)  )

Mini-me

When my gift teleported to where we were (we = one of our paired alts), I saw an avie who was dark-skinned and short. And I wondered,

Is this his interpretation of what I look like irl?

Why is he trying to recreate my RL self in SL?

What does it mean?

Her face is his style, however. Big eyes. Full lips.

We chose to give her a different display name, so I don't feel too uncomfortable referring to someone else with my almost-RL-name.

But he still felt I was distant from her.

Voluntary alt births

He used to be very resistant to creating private alts. I won't go through his reasons here. But last August, he created one without any prompting from me. That alt would be exclusive to me, to our group. And he created her to be a companion to one of my unpaired alts in our group.

I was very honored by that gift, but I considered the core (and most important aspect) of the gift to be the gesture, not the alt.

However, because we didn't discuss the creation of his new alt, I felt as though he was trying to curtail the freedom of my alt that he created that alt for. He assured me he wasn't, but he just wanted my alt to be more included in our "family."

I had always said that the pairs we have are like the big bolts that hold our relationship together. On the other hand, he prefers to mix up our alts in different ways to avoid too much familiarity (which breeds contempt) and for more sexiness.

So pinning down my free alt was probably one way for him to solidify our relationship. So I didn't mind so much that my alt's freedom feels curtailed. I see only him mostly anyway, so I didn't really need that freedom, but it's just the principle of it, the feeling of being free.

The creation of my birthday gift was a logical thing for him to do. He was trying to pin down another of my free alts, who was the third wheel in one of the pairs. But he had another motive.... He also wanted a different kind of sexual relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.

The past few days, we discussed the birthday gift's role in our family. We had to redefine who she and her partner should be to make things more comfortable for me. We finally settled on it today.

Wolf love

He is changing. Our relationship is changing. But the more I learn about him, the more I admire him and adore him.

Maybe he is this way only with me. He did say that he does certain things only for me. And, in addition, he listens to me more and he pays attention. And he tries to do things to please me.

He never said he loved me. But, if this isn't love, what is?

Exporting people and places into RL

I went to Spain for two weeks and met two lovers, a Flickr friend, and an MBA classmate and his wife. I wouldn't go into detail about the trip itself, because I have a separate travel blog for that. But I will talk about the trip's relevance to SL.

First, the two lovers. They were my lovers in SL years ago. Then they became busy. One explicitly set boundaries that we are only friends in RL, but the evening I spent with him in real life was absolutely magical and he treated me like a close friend. The other had claimed me in both SL and RL, but we spent maybe only a couple of hours together; he was busy with work and family and I was busy with sightseeing. But those two hours are memorable even.

Maybe I've been lucky. That trip brings the number of SL lovers that I met in RL up to 4. Each of those lovers are just as I imagined them. Their personalities were the same in RL as in SL, although two of them held back romantic gestures because of their marital circumstances.

Or maybe it's because these lovers are among the most important to me throughout my life in SL; therefore, meeting them in real life only deepened the connection we have.

After saying goodbye to each of them after meeting them, I cried. Because these are men I love and I may never see them again.

Second, the Flickr friend. She was really more like an acquaintance. In fact, I had originally avoided her, because I had felt a jealousy for her because of another lover. But she started following me in Flickr and commenting on my images there. Then she found me in another social media and connected with me, revealing her RL identity.

When we met up in Barcelona, we spent the afternoon at a children's park, going on the rides and shooting photos and talking and talking and talking until it was very late. It was amazingly easy to talk to her. In the end, I admitted my old jealousy and the reason for it. It was something I would not wish to hide when building a friendship. But I regretted it a little when she started feeling sad and nostalgic as our conversation flowed into past loves and betrayals.

Third, the sights. Not all the sights but specifically La Rambla, the Columbus monument, and the Plaza Reial, which were replicated in the Barcelona del Oeste sim before it was renovated. And also the Mezquita mosque in the Al Andalus Generalife sim before it disappeared.

I knew that the plaza in the old Barcelona del Oeste was based on a real-life plaza. It was a special place for me because of all the memories I have in that plaza -- conversations and dances with lovers and friends. I wanted to find it in the RL Barcelona, but I didn't realize that there were a gazillion plazas all over Barcelona. And then, when the Captain led me to an alley to head back to my hotel, we passed through the Plaza Reial, and I realized that it was THE plaza. I was amazed and awed.

I walked the La Rambla a few times since my first day in Barcelona and I even took pictures of the Columbus monument, but it was a few days later when I realized that it was also part of the Barcelona del Oeste sim.

When I found out that the Mezquita is in Cordoba, which is near Seville, I made sure to go and visit it as well. When I first saw the replica in SL, it already made my heart beat faster. It was that awe-inspiring. When I first saw the real thing, my jaw literally dropped.

Of course, I learned that the replicas were not accurate. They were simplified versions of the real thing. Probably because of the prim allowances. The SL version of La Rambla was shorter, the monument was not exact, the plaza is a lot smaller, and the Mezquita replica was probably based on the way the real Mezquita was before the expansions and before the cathedral was built inside it.

So there. I've "exported" people and places from SL to my RL, and it was a wonderful experience. I've met SL people in RL before, but this is the first time I've encountered SL places in RL. The people and the places now have a deeper meaning to me and I have a stronger connection with them.

I'll not look at SL the same way again.

Remembering a sweet scent

Four years ago today, I learned about St. George's Day from The Captain.  And each year since, I still remember the giant gardenias he gave me and the ancient ship that we shared as a home.

When we finally parted, he was my longest romance in SL, at ten months. He kept trying to return, but we never really got back together again. And I want to talk about those two facts.

His record (in terms of the lengths of my relationships) has been broken by Wolfgang. But I still remember him with much affection.

However, I've noticed that, regardless of the connection I had with a lover, getting back together never really happens, even if we both wanted it. Situations change. Our schedules change. We change. The connection changes. The relationship changes.  It is difficult to get the same magic back or the same commitment.

But we look back at what we had and remember those moments fondly. And we say hi once in a while. On birthdays, on anniversaries, and on St. George's Day.  :)

Petons, el meu capita.  :)

Missus Impossible

After I introduced The Impossible to Opal, I didn't see him much.  He had met someone and he was spending more time with her.  Until recently.  She hadn't logged in much lately, so he had more time to spend with me.  Her loss, my gain.  :)

During one of our conversations, he had mentioned that he likes dark hair, so I thought of Alt #23.  But when he met her, he still preferred Opal.  Later, he explained that it's because Opal feels more like me.

But it felt imbalanced.

We had been doing things together publicly, and it was so easy to discover who he is through my other web presences.  And I worried how other lovers would feel.

To date, none of my lovers have met another of my lovers.  I've kept the identities of each of them safe.  And that's the way I wanted it.  When I am with a lover, I try to make him feel as though he was my only, even though they all know that I have other lovers.

I asked The Impossible if he would prefer to know my other lovers.  He replied that if he doesn't know who they are, it would be more difficult for him to imagine me with them.  So, his answer was no, he didn't want to know them.

If one lover accidentally logged into my land, and I was with another lover at that time, it would be very awkward.  With that, I convinced him that I need to move him to another alt for privacy, so I gave him some options: Alt #4 (my main RP alt), Alt #23 (again), Alt #24 (an alt that I created for The Captain but was never used) or a brand new alt.


He wanted to see them first, so I introduced him to Alt #24, and he thought she was pretty.  In fact, he said that all my alts were pretty.  He asked about the skins, so I listed them off.  Mostly from LAQ.  He said that he was surprised how different the same skin looked with Opal and with Alt #6, both of whom had the same skin.  I said that Alt #6 has a friendlier look and Opal has a more snobbish look.  Then he asked me how I would describe Alt #24.  I said she has a more regal look.  And he agreed.  That was the perfect word for it.

Anyway, long story short, he agreed to be with Alt #24 for privacy and he would create a new alt for me as well.  And that would be a good thing because we'd be doing hunts for freebies together as we outfit our alts.

So, after he logged off, I went searching for some modern clothes (I only had medieval clothing with her, in preparation for the RP I was going to do with The Captain).  Then I changed her clothes and was about to log off when an alt of The Captain logged on.

I IM'd him and said that I was giving away Alt #24 to another lover and asked him if that was okay with him.  First, he said "oh" then he said "Good."  Then he asked me how I was.

So, all is clear for Alt #24.

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

The Igloo, the Surf, and the hermit

Maybe it was out of spite because "6-Minute Dancer" didn't come in at 7pm that evening as he said he would. But I took Alt #11 out again and met someone new again.


Igloo

It was already past midnight when he finally got the courage to IM me. He said he was waiting for the other guy who was standing next to me to leave. Like "6-Minute", he remarked about the comment I had in my 1st Life tab. At the start of the conversation, he was chatting as though we were buddies, but, towards the end, his tone had changed.

"I have met a lot of people in SL," he said. "You take the cake."

I was explaining why I have multiple alts and he said I was complicated. We talked about a lot of things. He was reluctant to reveal much about him so soon. So I did most of the talking. We talked about my lovers, about my work in SL.

"Ever considered living in an igloo?" he asked out of the blue.

By the end of the dance, we kinda had an understanding that he would be one of my lovers and that we would buy an igloo to live in.


Surf

"Surf" is not really a new friend. I met him almost a year ago, while updating my vendors and paying rent at Surf Camp. He was very new. Somehow, he offended me with something he said. To apologize, he bought a bikini set from me. But since it wasn't transferable, he essentially lost his money. But he was a good enough sport and offered to put it on. His arrogance turned me off.

However, since then, every time he saw me, he would say that mine was still the best avie he had ever seen in SL.

Then a few months ago, he said, "You are very complex and I want to consume you." Well, I didn't want to be consumed, so there'd be nothing left of me, so I avoided him.

When I first met him, he was about to have surgery. And now that I've had one, although a different one, it feels as though we now have something that binds us. I suppose I've softened towards him. And suddenly, he pulls back. In spite of all the chasing he had been doing, now that I turn around and pay attention, he is suddenly scared. I told him that I think he's afraid of me because he knows that an experience with me would transform him. And yet, he can't stay away.

"It's like you have kryptonite and I am Superman," he said.

Well, he'd be one of the lovers I'd ravish at the end of my fast.


So, what's wrong?

Five lovers. The Captain, the Lucky Bastard, the 6-Minute Dancer, the Igloo, and the Surf. Except for the Igloo which was a more casual feel to it, the other four have strong emotions involved. Too strong. And I have no outlet.

I'm having a spat with 6-Minute Dancer and I'm not handling it well. It feels like a break-up and I have this urge to crawl under a rock and die. To begin with, my intuition screams for me to run away from him anyway, just like I felt after the first kiss, because he would break my heart. But, at the same time, I know that, if I left now, I would be the young monk and carry him around for a long time.

I am overwhelmed. All these strong emotions that I feel for each of them overwhelms me. I am losing my balance.

So I'm thinking of being a hermit again. At least until my fast is over. But I don't know. I have made too many commitments to just disappear. I'll have to think this through. I just know I need to get centered.

"I need be your captain again"

"I need be your captain again."

That's what he said tonight. After a long absence from SL, he's back.

I told him that, because of my RL surgery, I can't have sex for six weeks. After joking that I still think the same way :D , he said that sex wasn't what he came back for, primarily. He came back for me. For our conversations.

He'll join my RP alt again because he still thinks she's "enigmatic". And we'll continue our RP.

He still won't be in very often. Maybe once a week. But that's enough. I need time for my other lovers anyway. ;) But I'm very happy he's back.

Nesting... in a tree

A glass house... a New York studio apartment... a ship... These were homes I had shared with lovers.

The glass house is now a gallery of sorts for my morphing portraits. The last time I called it "home" was in my first month in SL. The NY studio (Alt #9's home) is back in another alt's inventory, and the ship (RP alt's home) will be back in my inventory this week.

Opal's home is set to my work loft, which is mostly bare. After all, when I'm alone, I work. And I'm mostly alone.

But I'm nesting again. This time in a tree. A tree house to be precise. On a floating island. It would be the home of my RP alt and her new elven lover.



There is something very heartwarming about setting up a home with a lover. There's a sacredness to it. And as time goes on, the place is imbued with meaning and sentiment because of the moments you share in it.

I've had to sell the parcel where the ship was and I sent an email to the Captain to let him know that he would have to pick up his objects. But when I went there to gather up my objects back into my inventory, I became intensely emotional and I literally could not take anything back. So, instead, I moved the ship next door to the same parcel as my work loft, and sent the Captain a new message to move the objects instead. Of course, I forgot to turn off the auto-return, so his objects were returned to him anyway.

The NY studio wasn't as difficult, probably because all the objects were mine, so I could easily just rez it if I miss that time in my life. But the Captain owned the gardenia bushes and those had a predominant presence on the ship. It just isn't the same without those gardenias. I don't really want to bother him to come back into SL to set them out, just because I'm feeling sentimental. So, I'll be taking the whole ship back into my inventory to free up prim space.

Hopefully, I won't be feeling sentimental for a long time, because I'd be too busy creating new sentiments in this new home.

Not a zero-sum game

I haven't written much this year. Probably because this year has been the most stable for me; romantically, that is.

I met the Captain in February, neither of us thought we'd be together this long, neither of us wanting a serious relationship. It was supposed to be just casual -- "amics amb dret a cuixa", friends with privileges -- but the emotions ran deep. He truly has been my anchor. I hear from him infrequently now; I see him even less. But we both know each other in real life now, and I feel great joy knowing that he loves me and that the friendship is real.

Meanwhile, I've taken other lovers who came, stayed a while, and faded away. Would the secondary relationships have developed if I didn't have the Captain? Probably not. However, I think the Captain gave me some insulation from the ups and downs of other relationships as they came and went. Something similar to the safety net that married people have when having affairs in SL.

But I received more blessings than that. Former lovers and flirting friends -- the few who never officially became lovers -- surprised me with how deeply they cared.

If I have realized anything this past year, it is that the more freedom we have to love, the greater becomes our capacity to love and be loved. These men have showed me that. When love is not bound, it multiplies.

Love is not a zero-sum game.

The question now becomes: Could I be bound to just one man again after I've experienced this?

Back from the sea

My Captain is back. :D

I got a new hug HUD from Meike, the one with the jump hug, just so I could jump him when he got back. And I did. :D He gave me a present too -- a bouquet of roses and gardenias. This time, he got it with Transfer permissions. :D

We spent a bit of time together, just talking. There was a little awkwardness -- so much to say and not knowing where to begin. So we talked about his daughter, about his vacation, about traditions in his culture.

While he was gone, we were in communication by email but only occasionally. When I asked him in email if he wanted to know my RL, he said yes, so we exchanged information. Today, I asked him if he still felt the same way after knowing my RL, he said yes.

And I learned more about him. Today, I saw another side of him and it amazes me. Here is a man of paradoxes. I have seen his tender side, his caring side, his intellectual side. Today, I saw his strength, his masculinity, his physical side. And that endears him more to me.

I have seen other men in his absence, as he allows me to, but he is my anchor. And while he was gone, I felt as though I was standing on one foot, unsure, teetering. Now, he's back and I'm on solid ground again.

I'm sailing right behind

On Sunday afternoon, the Captain returned to leave me a message. I had missed him by only a few minutes.

Since I last wrote about him, he had been back a few times. His mother was getting better at one point, then suddenly her condition took a turn for the worse. And then last Friday night, she passed on.

He said he needed time alone, but he promises to be back.

Sometimes, you want to hold a loved one in your arms and you can't, because they're not logged in and you cannot go to them. And all you can do is hold them in your thoughts and hope that they feel that support and love anyway.

"... if you need a friend, I'm sailing right behind ..."

Another goodbye... and a "Hello again"

A dear friend of my RP alt sent out a notecard today that he'll be leaving SL to heal his RL. :( We didn't meet often but he's a catalyst in my RP alt's story. *sigh*

But, on a good note, an old flame returned to SL today. How old? He was one of my flavors of the month during my first six months in SL. But he's in a new alt, of course. His old alt was long gone.

I took him around to fix up his alt today and that brought back memories from when we first did that. Erm, naughty memories. LOL Well, he kinda looks like HiHo now. :D

We don't know if we'd pick up where we left off. It's been more than two and a half years and we're both different people now. But we decided we'll explore things and see how it goes.

At the very least he'll distract me from missing the Captain. *sigh*

I don't want it to be over

The Captain logged in tonight. Not his usual time. I was editing a necklace in my workloft and I wasn't paying attention to the blue pop-ups at the bottom corner of my screen, so I was surprised to see him on my radar.

"I logged to inform you that i will be out of SL for some time ..."

His mom's health had gotten worse and he wouldn't have time to log in anymore. I was already expecting it, because he hadn't been logging in much during the past few weeks for the same reason.

I saw it coming. Still, I cried. I don't want us to be over.

"if i would be married in SL..."

"if i would be married in SL with somebody ... for sure that will be with you ..."

I have issues. Everybody who knows me already knows that. The problem is that my issues conflict with each other. You see, I've had abandonment issues since I was a toddler. And after my divorce, I developed this long-term-commitment phobia. Pull. Push.

All I wanted to do was to give the Captain a gift, so, yesterday, I took him to the A.I.Friends store so he can pick out a kitten that looks like his RL cat.

Then, out of the blue, he asked me how SL pregnancy works because one of his friends mentioned that she and her boyfriend are gonna go through the SL pregnancy thing. So, I explained how it's done.

I offered to show him the pregnancy clinics and some prim babies. He declined saying that he is already a parent irl and he doesn't need it in SL. But he added that, if I wanted to, he would. I was touched.

Then as we continued talking about why women would go through that with a prim baby, he suddenly said, "if i would be married in SL with somebody ... for sure that will be with you ...". This time, I was stunned.

I was speechless. This was more serious than the pregnancy offer. And I was confused in more ways than one.

First confusion, he allows me to have other lovers and I see a partnership as being exclusive. I would have thought that he'd ask for exclusivity first.

Second, I love the man dearly. I adore him. I admire him. He is incredibly good to me. But I take partnerships very seriously, even if it's only in SL. The only time I partnered, it was only symbolic, because that partnership agreement was limited only to those alts and we promptly put those alts to sleep.

I think the cricket started chirping very loudly at that point and that added to the confusion in my head.

The Captain sensed that I was getting nervous about the whole discussion. So, he clarified that, no, he wasn't proposing. But I had a feeling that, even if he wasn't proposing then, he was testing the waters.

To tell the truth, if he really really wanted a partnership, I'd likely say yes anyway and deal with my own issues later.

*sigh*

/me prepares to wrestle with the cricket again.

Opal Flu

He said that my eroticism is dangerous, because it is infectious. :D Nobody has ever said that to me before. And he said it very gravely. I'm talking about the Captain, btw.

It's strange that after I met the new guy (I'll call him "Punny" because of his puns), I appreciate the Captain even more. And it's not just because Punny makes me groan, instead of moan. (Ha!) It's that the Captain treats me like a queen. He always has, since I met him.

Even with the language difficulty, he still finds the right words and says the most heartwarming things. He is gentlemanly to the point of being chivalrous; I wouldn't be surprised if he donned an armor and challenged someone to a joust to defend my honor. He prepares for our private roleplays carefully and meticulously as though he were preparing a feast for esteemed guests.

Lora says I'm spoiled... She has no idea....

Avatar lookalikes

Almost two years ago, I had this conversation with Lora (I was wearing one of my mermaid tails.):

[2007/08/29 20:44] Lora Chadbourne: I saw a woman at the store today who looks like your avie :)
[2007/08/29 20:44] Lora Chadbourne: with legs
[2007/08/29 20:45] Opal Lei: What's the name.
[2007/08/29 20:45] Lora Chadbourne: RL honey
[2007/08/29 20:45] Opal Lei: Oh. :D
[2007/08/29 20:45] Opal Lei: lol
[2007/08/29 20:45] Lora Chadbourne: I did a double take
[2007/08/29 20:45] Opal Lei: You mean she didn't have a tag over her head? lol
[2007/08/29 20:45] Lora Chadbourne: it was like, there's Opal! :)
[2007/08/29 20:45] Lora Chadbourne: lol
[2007/08/29 20:45] Opal Lei: lol

Yesterday, the Captain said he saw a young woman (probably in her mid-twenties) who looked just like my RP alt, with the same face, the same hair, and the same "hippy skirt" as he calls it. He didn't get a very good look because he saw her for only about a minute. He said she must have felt uncomfortable and so turned away from him.

What's with these real life people imitating my avatars?!? ;)

The Captain said he would let me know if he sees a RL woman who looks like my sex alt. :D I said he wouldn't. Because his heart is bound to my RP alt, not to my sex alt.

He had been away for the whole week, popping in briefly once on Thursday. He was so busy, he didn't even have time to RP via email with me. And when I talked to him via Skype yesterday, he was sniffling; he has a cold. Poor baby.

And to top all that, I had to give him some news -- that I met someone.

The Captain took the news calmly as I knew he would. He wanted me to promise him I would be happy. I said I couldn't promise that, but I promised I would try. His generosity of spirit still overwhelms me.

I don't know how serious this new affair would be and it wouldn't change things much yet, except that I may not be as available to the Captain. Right now, the only reason I'm entertaining this new affair is that this new guy is unattached irl -- a widower. So I won't have to deal with the cricket there.

When he lied, I cried

I have this little script that I wrote when I was with mfpwtff. It wasn't meant to be used for spying. I wrote it before he met Opal, so that he would know if I was logged into my other alts, and so that I would know when he's logged in while I was in my other alts. That way, he can either wait a few minutes for me until I join him, or he can assume that I'm asleep and do something else.

The past couple of months, my sex alt has had a few regular lovers who were European, so the scheduling was a bit tricky. So, I used this script for that. The Captain was one of those lovers. Even though he is now in Opal's friends list, he still doesn't know the identities of all my alts, so I use that tracker still.

Then the other morning, I was surprised to see his name pop up in that tracker, but when I looked for his name in my friends list to say hi, it showed him as offline. Thinking he must have logged in and out quickly, I checked my chat history. Nothing. So, I figured he wanted some privacy, so I left him alone.

Just to clarify, he and I have no agreement to be exclusive to each other. We had agreed to that arrangement even before he met Opal, because he cannot guarantee how much time he can be inworld for me, and he understands the reason I have a sex alt in the first place.

But, two hours later, he sent me an IM. This time, SL said he was online. And then he said, "i logged just to give you a hug."

Uh-huh.

He couldn't stay long, but I confronted him about it anyway. I said that all I ask from him is honesty. I reminded him that he has no commitment to me; therefore, he has no reason to lie. He promised he would never lie to me again. Then he had to go.

After he left, I cried.

And I couldn't understand why the pain was disproportionate to the transgression. It was really just a white lie. He said he was shopping for some items. But even if he were with another woman, I really wouldn't have cared; I don't consider him "mine" outside of the roleplay. And then I realized what it was....

During my undergrad, we were required to read "Sula" by Toni Morisson. In the story, Sula sleeps with her best friend Nel's husband. Nel later realizes that it wasn't the loss of her husband that hurt her more; it was the loss of her friendship with Sula. It was that feeling of suddenly losing a deep connection with the slash of a betrayal.

I had trusted the Captain with my secrets. That small white lie made me wonder if I was wrong to trust him. So, instead of revealing more of me, I would be holding back. The deepening of a friendship averted.

Now, I understand why Jaime, two years ago, mourned when all I did was copy and paste a simple conversation we had and share it with someone else. He had given me advice that I thought would help someone else. But that sharing of his words, which I didn't ask permission for, caused him to lose trust in me and threatened the friendship. I didn't understand it then, but I sensed it. It was a matter of trust.


I wonder if I still have that book somewhere....

Giant gardenias for St. George's Day

He asked me what my favorite flower was. The first man to ever ask me that question in SL.

Then, today, I got a huge bouquet of giant gardenias, because he can't log in on Saint George's Day (April 23), which is apparently the equivalent of St. Valentine's Day in his country.

*sigh*



"He" is a new lover. Well, not so new really. I first met him in early March through my sex alt. Very kind, very gentlemanly. And a sexy avie even with newbie skin and system hair! (Well, we've updated him since then, of course.)

For more than a month, he didn't know anything about me, except that I'm a woman and that I am (in his words) "very very very erotic". Then one night (or early morning SLT), we did a brief roleplay just for kicks -- he was a ship's captain and I was a ... mermaid! (Did you expect anything else?)

As we talked, I realized it was probably better to switch him over to my RP alt. Besides, we've become friends and we didn't want to lose that friendship. So I told him that I would introduce him to my other alts where I am more open about myself and that it was up to him which alt he preferred to be with.

He met Opal first and I showed him the work I do. He was already making up his mind; I think he was still preferring my sex alt. Then I introduced him to my RP alt, and she changed his mind. :) To him, my RP alt's character represented "freedom, dangerous freedom but very attractive". And so, he and my RP alt have been in roleplay since. Not very often, since he's busier now, but we RP in email too.

Because he is married, I made him promise me that he wouldn't fall in love with me and he promised. (mfpwtff says, "goodlukwiddat". :D That was the best backhanded compliment I ever heard. :D)

Now, if only I could smell these gardenias....



That conversation with mfpwtff actually started out about something going on with Mer Betta; I badly needed a friend to talk to and he was the only one who was logged in that early and close enough to me to confide in. Earlier that morning, Kyota (Mermaid Temple) made me aware of another mermaid tail seller who has been stealing design elements from other mermaid designers and mixing them up. I can prove that the thief took a picture of one of my tails and simply modified it to make hers. She made enough changes so that it doesn't look like my tails, but she didn't make enough changes with designs she stole from other designers. At least one of those other designers had filed a report with LL already. I'm still talking to people to get advice about this before I decide what to do.

My Captain (that's what I'll call this new lover from now on in this blog) was trying to make me feel better with these flowers. *sigh*