Tuesday, July 31, 2007

My MAMJJ love

Month-ends make me nervous. Well, you know my history. But, just because I didn't have a lover these past five months, it doesn't mean I didn't fall in love. In fact, I did. Deeply.

Perhaps because it wasn't officially a romantic affair that it lasted this long. It was loving, it was tender, it was sweet, it was intimate. But it wasn't sexual. It was more than a friendship, but not quite a romance. Although I loved him as though it were. Perhaps he was, in fact, Mr. March-April-May-June-July. Perhaps he was the real reason why I could not be with any other man.

I panicked when I thought I was "about to lose another friend to real life." I gave up my anonymity to regain his trust and his friendship. I felt intense jealousies well up inside me even as reminded myself that I had no right to feel that way. But I stayed. The next time I was hurt again, I tried to squash the romantic emotion. I failed. Finally, I tried to seduce him, in spite of the cricket.

Thankfully, he was strong enough for both of us during my moment of weakness. My soul is saved, but my heart is not. Not this piece of gravel.

I had no fool for a lover; *I* was the fool.

1 comment:

  1. A wise lady once told me, "Keep the friendship". It was a very good advice, but it is easier said than done. How can you stay whole, when every time you see his name, your heart breaks? How can you stay alive when over and over you die? How can you stand your ground when your tears fall and soften the soil you are stepping on? How can you sing when you keep choking a cry? How can you dance when you no longer hear the music? How can a broken heart heal when it does not know how to stop loving?

    ReplyDelete

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