Month-ends make me nervous. Well, you know my history. But, just because I didn't have a lover these past five months, it doesn't mean I didn't fall in love. In fact, I did. Deeply.
Perhaps because it wasn't officially a romantic affair that it lasted this long. It was loving, it was tender, it was sweet, it was intimate. But it wasn't sexual. It was more than a friendship, but not quite a romance. Although I loved him as though it were. Perhaps he was, in fact, Mr. March-April-May-June-July. Perhaps he was the real reason why I could not be with any other man.
I panicked when I thought I was "about to lose another friend to real life." I gave up my anonymity to regain his trust and his friendship. I felt intense jealousies well up inside me even as reminded myself that I had no right to feel that way. But I stayed. The next time I was hurt again, I tried to squash the romantic emotion. I failed. Finally, I tried to seduce him, in spite of the cricket.
Thankfully, he was strong enough for both of us during my moment of weakness. My soul is saved, but my heart is not. Not this piece of gravel.
I had no fool for a lover; *I* was the fool.