The other cat

I started a 365 project a week ago. And to make it interesting, I decided to add a character -- a white cat named Dim Sum -- who will appear in each picture.

But, Dim Sum is not my first cat avatar. A week before I even thought of the 365 project, another cat was born as a result of the same argument I talked about here.



During the argument, Wolfgang compared Alt#6 to a cat who could come and go as she pleased. Like a cat, she would have her independence and she wouldn't be forced to stay with us in our home. Maybe he got inspired by the little RP we did, where I pretended that she hated taking baths.

He kept trying to convince me that Alt#6 would still be free to do as she pleased, but he wanted to offer her a "home." I kept trying to convince him that if Alt#6 had a home, she wouldn't be her anymore, because she has a specific purpose and she can't be emotionally attached in any way.

So, he told me of a French movie called "La Femme du Boulanger" ("The Baker's Wife"), where the wife left her baker husband and ran away with a young handsome lover. In the end, she went back to him and, in the same scene, a black stray cat came into the room. The baker started talking to the cat, and he essentially said that it's fine for it to wander around and have fun, but this was her home and hearth, where she is fed well and she has a warm fireplace to sleep next to. And, on hearing that, the wife sobs, realizing that the message was as much for her as for the cat.

Then I had an idea. In an RP, Alt#6 doesn't have to follow her predefined rules, because it's just RP anyway. After all, she had done a husband-wife RP before.

At the end of that conversation, I said, "Ok. Keep a bowl of milk out." At first, he was confused, then when he realized I was going along with his metaphor, he promised, "i ll keep a milk bowl out and will replace milk every day."

The next day, I was sitting on the bench with a ginger cat -- Alt#6.

"You're earlier than I expected," I said with a smile.

"you are sillier than i expected," he replied with a wink.

Wishes of future

Wolfgang and I had been arguing again.  It was mostly because of my stress lately.

First, Rapido was admitted to a hospital because of a heart attack.  Two days later, my mom was admitted to a hospital because her heart stopped beating.  They had to install a pacemaker on her.  My sister wanted me to come home to help out.  I decided it was time to go home for good. So, I'm in the middle of finishing up commitments, planning the move, and looking for a job in California.

Wolfgang senses the stress because I'm touchy and he's normally touchy anyway.  So we argued.  Even with our F-F pair.  The last one stretched for three days and ended yesterday.  It's not that we argued for three days; it's just that the feeling lasted for two additional days.

He doesn't promise to keep the friendship if we ever break up.  So I proposed that we downgrade our relationship to a friendship now before we have an argument that is so explosive that he'd never speak to me again.

My proposal upset him even more.  He knows I rarely have time for friends, so, from his perspective, it's the same thing.  He was feeling rejected and the argument continued.  I had to explain that I was actually trying to keep him in my life, but he doesn't see it that way.

On the second day, we were both calmer but still melancholy.  I told him that, because of what I'm going through in real life, I needed to be held and I needed his protection, his support, and his maleness.  But I was afraid to ask for our M-F pair because he might construe it as rejecting our F-F pair.  He agreed that he probably would have, but he said I could ask anyway.

We had already decided that we would meet as our M-F pair on Thursdays, because the last time we did, it felt like we were strangers again.  So we met as our M-F pair this morning and it feels warmer and more comforting.  We started to talk about our RPs and about doing a recurring RP for each of our pairs, with occasional short RPs with different scenarios.

Wolfgang#3: i like think about projects
Alt#27: projects?
Wolfgang#3: yes like main rp, it shows some future wish
Alt#27: Future wish for what?
Wolfgang#3: wishes of future
Alt#27: a future together, you mean?
Wolfgang#3: build some future
Wolfgang#3: yes, not with my ponytail

So, that settles it.... We're building a future with him and me.  Not him and his ponytail.

/me shakes her head and mumbles, "Smart ass...."  :D

The power of little things

Last Friday, I met with Wolfgang briefly for a hug.  I decided to end the timeout after a week.  I still had no resolution, but I knew that I couldn't solve it alone.


Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it.  It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse.  We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week.  I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again.  I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one.  He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.

He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing.  I thought he'd be back in about an hour.  So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on.  While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed.  If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.

A lot of things went through my head.  Was there really no solution to this?  He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.

It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile.  And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal.  But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant.  And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.

When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were.  (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.)  His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.

So, we continued our conversation.  Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex.  I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex.  As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl.  I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past.  After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning.  I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not."  So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things.  But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.


It's all symbols

We again discussed the issue of him claiming me.  When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his.  And we talked about what indicates a claim.

The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with.  Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me.  Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.

To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession.  But I didn't quite understand why.

I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people.  Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time.  It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific.  The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word.  It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.

However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic.  He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd.  And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either.  It was just something different to try for fun.  So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.

I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols.  After all, we were both very independent people.  Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined?  And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.

I realized that even his alt is a symbol.  In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols.  (That's another book idea right there.)  Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.


Adding the "h"

He asked what we should do.  I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea.  He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM.  Then he joked...

[2012/07/23 05:12:42]

Wolfgang#3: ((and you look damn sexy leashed ;) ))

Alt#27: Then leash me!

Wolfgang#3: lol
Wolfgang#3: but you don't like that !

Alt#27: Will you fuck me if you leash me?

Wolfgang#3: leash is not necessary to fuck by luck lol

Alt#27: okay, here's what I'm saying....
Alt#27: If you make love to me each time you leash me, I will associate the leash with pleasure.
Alt#27: Then the meaning of that symbol changes.
Alt#27: For me.
Alt#27: And it's a very concrete signal that means "yes, today, we can fuck."

Wolfgang#3: leash claim you, it is not a message of fuck lol

But the idea of a symbol gaining a different meaning for me made him more open to trying it again, in case there's a possibility that I would associate the collar and leash with the concept of him claiming me, which I like, as opposed to associating them with oppression, which I don't like.

He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do."  I was surprised.  And awed.  He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.

When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too.  He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us."  And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.

We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again.  Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.

Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us.  And he noticed it too.


The power of little things

I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash.  But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning.  Like we need darkness to define light.

The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay.  It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only.  It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me.  Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding.  Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him.  Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.

So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce.  As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.

[2012/07/23 06:36:15]

Wolfgang#3: that s funny how much 2 little things can make you so more desirable

Alt#27: The leash and the collar?

Wolfgang#3: yes

Alt#27: It's funny that the same two things make me feel closer to you.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: that is more understandable for me as it link us materially

Alt#27: For me, it's because of that night.

Wolfgang#3: the link was cut, and it appears again, symbol of it
Wolfgang#3: so it leads us to feel closer

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: Because of a meaning that we previously attached to it.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: power of little things

Frog anxiety

There's a well-known metaphor about a frog that goes like this: If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out right away.  But if you put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water, and then set the pot on the stove, the frog will boil to death.



My experiment in BDSM isn't going well.  I've lost my objectivity.  Not that I've been objective about it when I started anyway, because of my unflattering preconceptions of doms.  But with emotions mixed in, this whole experiment became mixed up.  I can't even analyze what's what and where things are coming from and why certain emotions are coming up and whether they're BDSM emotions or something else.  It's all a big mess.

Wolfgang has been very gentle with me.  Too gentle.  And sometimes, I regret that I tell him about my worries and anxieties about the whole BDSM RP that we are doing.  It made him nervous.

I think he himself noticed it when he said that I had become "soft."  Initially, I thought that he meant I had become more tender, more loving in the RP.  Maybe he meant something else.  Maybe he meant I've become more fragile.

We were transitioning into a different type of RP, but I felt that we had to give the old one some closure.  Even he said, when I initially expressed my concern about this RP, that it was like throwing a book away before finishing it.  Then later, it was I who insisted on finishing the RP, even though it is uncomfortable for me.

So, last night, we started a scene in our RP that's part of the transition to the new one. It was a female-to-female scene and he was using one of his female alts.  Then in the middle of the scene, he asked OOC if I was enjoying the RP.  Damn.  Why did he have to ask?

I told him that it feels a little awkward, and I jokingly added that I'd survive.  He didn't understand what I meant by "awkward" and he asked me to explain.  I said that the scene was for him and that I don't have to enjoy it.  (He had mentioned once that he enjoys watching female-to-female seduction.)

I said, "I've never had sex with a woman irl, so I don't have the experience to draw from.  And I don't have the inclination to, so it doesn't arouse me."  There was a long pause before he responded, so I kept babbling.  I had a feeling he would protest. He always insisted that he wouldn't do anything unless we were both getting pleasure out of it.

He said that he thought I had some female-to-female experience in SL in the past, and he figured that I might enjoy it, if the other female was more agreeable.  I had told him about a foursome experience I had with a lover and two of his female lovers, one of whom was a dom who hated me, probably because that lover preferred to be with me.

I explained to Wolfgang that that experience was when I was very new in SL.  At that time, I didn't know how to RP and all I did was simply sit on a poseball and my lover did everything else.  I was able to dissociate.

But Wolfgang refuses to do anything where I have to dissociate from my avatar.  He says it makes him feel lonely to be the only one gaining pleasure from it.

He told me a story of one of his affairs where his partner pretended to enjoy the female-to-female interactions and even encouraged it.  When he found out that she didn't enjoy it at all, it sullied his enjoyment of it and he stopped seeing her.  I told him it was the lie that soured the relationship, not the fact that he was the only one who enjoyed it.  But he disagreed.

He started wrapping up the RP scene, skipping what he had originally planned.

I asked, "Why can't you accept a gift?"


But he is stubborn and so am I.


I worry that without the BDSM, he would be bored and move on.  He worries that without BDSM, our relationship wouldn't be special anymore and he would be just another lover in my life.  It didn't comfort him when I explained that each of my relationships is special.  There is always something that sets each one apart from the others.  And when I miss a lover, I miss that specific lover.


At the same time, the more I think about BDSM, the more I hate the concept.  And, yes, I understand that "hate" is a strong word.  And, yes, I understand that the intensity of my reaction to it is probably a reflection of my own psyche fighting my shadow side.  (That last sentence is for you psychologists out there.)  And that's probably another reason I'm delving into this.  To face my demons and learn to accept my shadow side.

I don't know where this would go.  I don't know what would happen when we get on the other side.  His caring, his concern for my emotional well-being and my enjoyment, his empathy all touch me and awe me.

But I worry that that same gentleness, in the context of BDSM, might be even more dangerous, like the lukewarm water that slowly heats up.  I wouldn't know when to jump out, and then it'll be too late.

Rib-bit.

The real gift

2012/04/02

Alt #27: Did it give it to you?

Wolfgang: i had a message to accept

Alt #27: kk
Alt #27: Did you accept?

Wolfgang: yes
Wolfgang: it is a bracelet and necklace

Alt #27: Yes.

Wolfgang: with some word written
Wolfgang: :)

Alt #27: /me smiles.
Alt #27: But that's not the real gift.

Opal Lei: I am the real gift.

[a minute's pause]

Wolfgang: You look very beautiful "my real gift" :)

At the bottom of my last post, I said that I'd introduce him to Opal after a week. So I created a custom set of the Ms.O.Lei-ny "Etched in Stone" jewelry set to give to him when that time came.  On it, I "engraved" the title I gave him, but that title had become more a term of endearment.  I put the set in a dispenser that would give out the contents when touched by Alt #27, and I set that dispenser down in my store.

We were only supposed to meet for a short time that night because I had a doctor's appointment early the next day.  If I went to bed at 4am, I would have four hours of sleep.  He was trying to assure me that we would have other times to spend together, so it was alright if I left early to get some sleep.  And he also mentioned that he would be away from SL for a week or so, so he gave me his email address so we could communicate by email.

I didn't have an email address for Alt #27.  I never thought I'd need one for her, so I offered him the email address for Alt #6 (the first sex alt).  He said he would like to see that avie, so I logged her in and he liked her.  He noticed that she is short like Alt #27, and he wondered if I was short irl too, so we converted feet to meters and meters to feet.

Then he asked whether I used voice with Alt #6.  And webcam.  And how it went. I said that I think that webcam would ruin the fantasy because I'm not pretty.  He asked me bluntly how I defined "pretty."  He already knew how old I am.  And, early on, he guessed that I had weight problems, which he intuited based on my behavior.  I asked him if that ruined the fantasy for him.  He simply said, "No, it didn't."

That made up my mind.  So I took him to the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, clicked on the gift dispenser, and logged Opal in.

After he met Opal, I sent him to my home in Aglia while I logged both Opal and Alt #27 off and logged in Alt #11 (my social alt).  I also introduced him to Alt #4 (my original RP alt) and to Treasure.  Meanwhile, he introduced me to his two female alts which he uses for modeling at a friend's store and for additional RP characters.  (I had already met his main male alt.)  Towards the end, he was emoting silly "notes" to himself about which of my alts to seduce and what his chances were at succeeding with each one.

It was already after 5:30am when I finally went to bed.

The next day, he talked about changing our RP relationship into non-BDSM.  It was my turn to panic.  It felt as though I was losing him.

He didn't like the idea that he was the only one getting pleasure out of it.  He didn't like that my character (and I) was always tearful.  I knew that he was being extra gentle with me in the RP to avoid triggering that unpleasant feeling again when I watched my avatar kneeling with a leash.

Maybe, after reading my first blog entry about him, he realized where I really stood in regards to BDSM.  Or maybe he now sees me more fully as he met the other "sides" of me and he understands why the symbols of BDSM affect me more strongly than most people.

I told him that I was getting my own pleasure from other parts of the relationship, even if not the D/s parts.  But he still believed that I did things only to please him even if those things were uncomfortable for me.  I reminded him that he also does certain things only to please me.  He insisted that pleasing me pleases him, so I asked him why it couldn't be the same way from my side.

Once, he half-jokingly boasted that, as gamemaster, he had caused some female RPers to have nightmares.  And yet, he wouldn't allow me to do things that are uncomfortable.  So I teased him about it and said that he must really like me a lot, if he makes me an exception.  He laughed and said that wasn't nice.  I think I hit him below the belt with that comment.  But I won that part of the argument.  ;)

He reminded me that I raised the point that maybe it's not the BDSM aspect that made our connection strong as he thought.  I said that maybe it's just the combination of him and me, because we each have intense personalities.  He said that switching to a non-BDSM relationship would prove or disprove my theory.

My worry is that a non-BDSM relationship would bore him and he'd spend less time with me and more time with someone else who actually enjoys BDSM.  Like the Captain did.

Anyway, the current plan is to transition out of the current RP into a non-BDSM relationship.  I am reluctant, even though I asked for it first.  The whole situation feels shaky.

Maybe we just need a new metaphor to anchor the relationship on.  And I had already been thinking of one....

I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man.  He's just a man....

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

I don't need rescuing, ty.

I was roaming the grid yesterday. *sigh* It's been a long long while since I last went exploring. And this wasn't really for fun. I was looking for new land for Mer Betta -- one with real water. Well, okay, one with *Linden* water.

Anyway, in my explorations, I found this nice secluded little island in a sim owned by Governor Linden. Well, it just *looked* secluded.

While I was replying to an offline IM, a helicopter came by. It was a Search and Rescue helicopter. Or, that's what the pilot's group tag said. I IM'd the pilot and joked that I didn't need rescuing and that I'd send a big SOS if I did. The pilot sent me a link to their group's website and said that they were a non-profit. So, that peaked my interest and started asking if they were a real-life organization.

Long story short, it was a roleplay but he refused to call it that. They "rescue" avatars who were being griefed or who are lost. But they refuse to teleport; they only use vehicles.

After more questions, I found out that he also belongs to another group he calls the "3rd life church", and, again, he refused to call it "roleplay". Apparently, "3rd life church" members aim to separate themselves (the avatars) from their humans, and he said that artificial intelligence is a step towards it. (Pinocchio, anyone? Or even the movie "AI"?) At the end of the conversation, he said he had to send his human to bed. And we said our goodbyes.

Not ten minutes later, here comes a Search and Rescue boat.... *sigh*

Oh, btw, that IM I was responding to was an invitation to a Valentine's Ball for dragons in the Isle of Wyrm, and they wanted to invite mermaids. I think I'll forward the invitation to the Search and Rescue team; the mermaids might need some rescuing from the dragons....

Transformation of the cricket

One lover pulled me back into the real world and, thereby, showed me how one reality enhances the other. But the real world has responsibilities and commitments and vows, and the cricket chirped.

Then another lover brought me into a deeper fantasy and, thereby, reminded me how imagination enhances our lives. And in a world of fantasy, there are no responsibilities, no commitments, no vows, and the cricket was muffled.

That's where I've been. Deep inside my imagination, deep in tales and myths and metaphors and archetypes.

But the emotions are still real. No matter how deep into fantasy you get. At a time when I thought he was rejecting me, he thought I was rejecting him. And I realized that perhaps I was as important to him as he is to me.

In the middle of that argument, he mentioned the cricket. He feels that I'm still hearing it, and he said I had to either shoot it or follow it. He advised following it.

The day after the argument, I sent him a roleplay scenario just for the two of us. A few days prior, he had told me the story of Eos, the goddess of the dawn, who had asked Zeus to make her lover Tithonos immortal, but she forgot to ask for his youth to be preserved. So Tithonos aged and shrunk, until he became a cricket. The roleplay scenario extends that myth. The fantasy continues.

I did take his advice. I followed the cricket. I followed Tithonos... my darling Tithonos.

The fly

I've been a fly for almost a month now. I was able to replicate the invisible avie trick with the Shadow's help. (I'll call him "the Shadow" here, because his foot shadows and his name tag were all I could see when I met him.) He wore each component of the avie one at a time so I could see what's going on.

But instead of a doll, I use a particle-generating prim using a texture for a fly that I used when I made a pile of poop as a trick on Blue. (If you look in the picture he made of me in my 1st Life tab in my profile, you'll see a little brown blob in the lower right hand corner with dots flying around it. That's a poop with flies.) I've pulled too many tricks on Blue, that he had learned to expect the unexpected. I think I've made him paranoid.

Well, it turns out that there are a lot of advantages to being invisible. You don't get distracted by random passersby. They see a dot on the minimap but they don't see anyone, so they figure the dot is high up in the air. Or, they see a dot on the minimap, their radar says there's someone nearby, but by the time they (a) recover from being frustrated from lagging so badly that my avie is not downloading or (b) give up looking for my avie, I've usually tp'd away already.

Anyway, here, I thought I was just having fun. Then last week, Gear asked, "Can I ask what you are hiding from?"

I laughed and said, "Myself?" and didn't think twice about it. Until today. I guess I'm in a pensive mood today.

I am well aware that other people act as mirrors to us in many ways. In this case, Gear was probably seeing something I'm not admitting to myself. There was a time when I changed Opal's look almost every week, sometimes twice a week. It was the fun side of SL.

Then, I changed her look after every heartbreak. Many a time, the changes were a rebellion against a beloved who was bothered by seeing a strange woman every week. (Yes, Opal can be passive-aggressive at times.) He'd break my heart, I'd forgive him, but I'd change my look... drastically. Those were the times when I didn't like being me.

At times when I was hurting too much, I'd see him as my testing alt HiHo, who is a little white mare. But Opal has always been human (or at least half-human). Until now. Which brings me back to Gear's question.

The thing is, I don't know the answer. Maybe I have to hide in one world in order to explore another. Just as I hid from the real world in order to explore this virtual world, I am now hiding from Opal's world in order to explore a roleplaying world....

A whisper (the paradox of invisibility)

He caught my eye, precisely because I couldn't see him.

I was feeling off-kilter that night, so I decided to find a live event to distract me. Edward Lowell was performing at Sailor's Cove. A few people were already there, but more continued to arrive. I was seated on the side closer to the landing point so latecomers had to walk, fly, or swim in front of me.

About twenty minutes into the hour, I saw a female avie walk across my screen, but she had two nametags. Then she paused in the middle of the open area, but the other nametag -- and a shadow -- kept moving until it got to the grassy area on the other side. Then it stopped.

I smiled to myself. Here's an avie I've never seen before.

Well, I did Ctrl-Alt-T to show objects with alpha. No red highlights around this avie.

And I already knew how to create an invisiprim. I've chopped off my head that way once and Emi took pictures with my head on a silver tray that she held. But invisiprims distort the objects behind them and this avie created no distortion at all. (Btw, a transparent texture with transparency set to zero will not show any red highlights with Ctrl-Alt-T.)

About a week prior, Gear and I were talking about animations and I was asking him to explain the "root" prim in his U-Poser mannequin. As an aside, he told a story about how he was able to "disappear" by wearing an animation with the root set four meters underground. And he demoed the animation to me. So I moved my camera underground to see if I could find this mysterious avie. Nothing underground. I was getting more and more intrigued.

I remembered another conversation with Gear where he said that if a prim is small enough, it doesn't get rezzed at all. I wondered if that was what was going on here, but how? I've seen avies that were shrunk as small as possible then folded up using an animation pose. But none this tiny that it's practically invisible.

So I sent the invisible man an IM and complimented him on his avie. I said that I couldn't see transparent prims and I couldn't see him underground. I was hoping for an explanation.

He said he's very tiny and naked. I thought he was giving a clue as to how the avie was done. He wasn't. He was giving me a clue that he was roleplaying.

But it's a charming RP. He's a Tom Thumb type of character, supposedly two to three inches tall as he described. A "tiny pet" says his profile. And the way he does it is so disarming. I found myself giggling a lot and playing along. I mean, isn't that exactly the Lilliputian childhood fantasy that draws us to the Greenies sim?

Well, to make a long story short, the childhood fantasy quickly transformed into an adult fantasy. And that night turned out to be the most incredible night I've had in SL.

I broke a number of records. I did my first RP (I still haven't found the time to RP as a mermaid so this *was* my first RP), an RP with a very strange and unique creature, and a sexual RP at that. I slept with him less than an hour after meeting him. We cuddled and talked for almost *five hours* afterwards. I got to know a bit about the man behind the avatar and fell in love with him in that short timespan. (I know, I know, it's probably the oxytocin working.)

But I'm uncomfortable with certain aspects of his RP, which he needs. And he's uncomfortable with being a full-sized avie, which I prefer. So, no, he won't be my lover. Besides, he is happily married irl, which I found out too late. No, he won't be my pet either, although he claimed he'd be a better pet than Jimmie.

And, since that night, I've been remembering other childhood fantasies and the sense of wonder that accompanied them. Maybe I've just discovered what would make SL feel fresh and new again. And all this time, I've been ignoring RPs in favor of building and scripting. There's actually a lot of creativity involved in an RP. It's storytelling, after all, except it's on-the-fly and with two or more authors, which makes it more challenging and dynamic.

Isn't it ironic? He probably thought he'd avoid attention by being practically invisible. But, as they say, if you want to be heard, whisper. His avie was a whisper.


* The avie was combination of the different "tricks". That is, a scrunched up animation with the avie underground hidden inside invisiprims. It comes with a prim doll that is the only thing visible to others, but he didn't wear the prim doll to the concert. I forgot to write down the creator, but the avie was very well done.
** And to remove the shadow, simply uncheck Client > Rendering > Features > Foot Shadows. I need to confirm if that applies to everybody's view so that nobody can see your shadow, or if that applies to just your view so that you can't see anybody's shadow.

Why doesn't romantic roleplay last?

Howard seems to have acquired the habit of picking my brains about relationships lately. (Isn't it enough that I write in my blog, Howard?) Since Howard is also a techie, let me put it in techspeak: I don't have the bandwidth to provide a pull-content service; I only push content. But I'll answer your question this time, since I don't have material to write about, being loverless at the moment.

So, why doesn't romantic roleplay last? I'll start with the obvious answer: It's roleplay, for crying out loud! How many roleplays do you know last more than a year?!?

Okay, now the serious answers:

1. It's usually because of sheer incompatibility. If you were looking for a real life partner, you're more careful about whom you pick. Do you share the same interests? Do you subscribe to the same beliefs? Is their personality compatible with yours? Can you live with this person for a very long time? Will this person always have your interests at heart? Do you have similar dreams?

But in a roleplay, you only care about superficial things. Does the other person want to do the same roleplay? A Gorean will look for another Gorean; a furry will look for another furry. And, most importantly, -- and, yes, I'm saying this very bluntly -- is this person willing to have sex with you?

2. Roleplay is not authentic. You might be feeling cranky and crabby one day, but you have to be nice and sweet, because, well, that's your role. Crankiness and crabbiness is reality, and your SL lover isn't looking for reality in a roleplay. Your SL lover is looking for a fantasy, and so are you. You wouldn't want a cranky and crabby lover ruining YOUR fantasy either, would you?

3. It takes a lot of energy to maintain an illusion. It also takes a lot of energy to deal with the emotions that the roleplay generates. Eventually, one or both of the partners wonder if the roleplay is worth the energy they expend on it. After all, it's just roleplay.

4. In roleplay, both parties fall into their roles right away. Not only do they suspend disbelief, they also suspend mistrust. But the trust they have is fleeting and fragile, because it doesn't have the requisite foundation that is built only by getting to know a person over a period of time. Without that foundation, it is even easier for trust to turn into doubt. And how can you expect a romantic relationship to last without trust?

I'm sure I can think of other reasons why romantic roleplays don't last, but I've used up my available bandwidth. So any other reason I come up with will have to wait for the next CPU cycle.

Charlie's clueless angel

Squeak was bored.

So he pinged me to join him for an adventure. Reluctantly, I returned the Hawaiian skirt I was working on back into my inventory. I must admit I was a bit curious about this adventure.

So, he tp'd me and we rode on his helicopter -- him sitting in the lone seat inside, me sitting atop the rotor with the blades chopping my legs off below my knees. I had no idea where we were going. Then, Squeak started talking gibberish...

Squeak: *radio talks*
Squeak: "kachiiiiizssshshhshhhhhhhh"
Opal: Huh? Was that a sneeze?
Squeak: "any----- kashiiiiishaaaahhhhhashiiish------body there?!"
Squeak sees an oil rig up ahead that the signal is coming from.

Meanwhile, I tried to sit on the tail, since the idea of losing my legs kinda bothered me. But the copter wouldn't let me.

So, we landed on the oil rig, which I've visited a long time ago during my first month in SL, when I picked up a freebie tako off of a buoy nearby. The buoy is unfortunately no longer there.

Squeak: kk theres an oil rig
Squeak: where the signal is coming from
Opal: What signal?
Squeak: history.....

I was still clueless.

Squeak: "kachiiiiizssshshhshhhhhhhh"
Squeak: this is where the signal was coming from
Opal: What signal is it?
Squeak: ((distress signal))
Opal: So, how do you get the distress signal?
Squeak: i made it up....

That's when it dawned on me that we were roleplaying. But Squeak kinda neglected to tell me that at the start. He finally said, "it's a mystery RP, now try your best to come up with some good stuff." Geez, I had to be creative on demand too.

He gave me a gun and told me to go into mouselook, but mouselook made me dizzy. (I said "dizzy", not "ditzy".) So we explored the oil rig platform. We found an office in the lower deck. It had a map on the wall with blinking lights, a red one and a green one. And we couldn't figure out what it was for, but the map looked like the northern half of the mainland.

Meanwhile, there were whispers from SLRR Control East with strange names and numbers, followed by seconds. Then I saw the name of a sim that I had been to before. Aha! It's the railroad and the whispers are the location of the train. I solved the mystery!

But, apparently, that wasn't the mystery we were trying to solve.... :-\

Squeak: hm this must be the room where the signal was sent
Opal: Well, there's this old-fashioned radio.
Squeak: over here
Opal: That's a server rack!
Squeak: we are RPing...
Squeak: lets just say its a radio

I'm pretty sure Squeak was getting frustrated with me at this point. :-D Then we moved on to a different room and found a place where some boxes landed.

Squeak: i wonder what are in these boxes....
Squeak looks inside
Opal: Can't see.
Opal: Oooh, they're coming out of that chute.
Squeak: opal cmon we are RPing
Squeak: try to go along with the story
Squeak: lol
Opal: I am!
Opal: I'm solving the mystery!

Well, I finally got the hang of it and came up with a good story.

Squeak: !!!
Squeak finds metal pieces in one of the boxes
Squeak finds some type of container that says....
Opal: You think they're smuggled goods?
Squeak: "WARNING! RADIOACTIVE!"
Opal: Yup, smuggled uranium.
Opal: There's a cartel that's responsible for all uranium smuggled in this part of the world.
Opal: One of our agents lost his cover and was assassinated by the cartel.
Opal: He was undercover in the operation.
Squeak: hm
Opal: Maybe the signal came from the second agent.
Squeak: there are radioactive waves in the area
Opal: She's still undercover inside the cartel.
Squeak: looks like more are coming
Opal: We have to go then.
Opal: Before we start glowing in the dark.
Opal: Am going outside to see where it's coming from.
Squeak: we need to find where the cartel is, there has to be something here

Well, after looking around some more, Squeak said we had all the info we needed, but the chopper exploded and I couldn't rez my tako, so we had to walk underwater back to land. (For some reason, Squeak didn't think we should be flying.) But before we got to the shore, Squeak disappeared.... Reality interrupted.

So, the mystery remains unsolved. But, at least, I finally got a clue. Figuratively speaking.