On cruise control

Yesterday, I made a decision. Yesterday, I decided to move on.

I could have just moved on without a word, as I'm sure he has. But I don't want another "I wish I knew" night that complicates life. I don't want another misunderstanding. So I sent him an email yesterday. He hasn't replied to my emails for a while now, and I'm not expecting a response to that one either. But it served its purpose; it was an act of release, of letting go.

I could have listened to what Anna had been advising for years. I could have preserved my boundaries and kept him with my sex alt. But then I would have missed out on an incredible emotional experience. And, most importantly, I would have missed out on a potential great friendship.

But life is a one-lane road. Sometimes, other roads run alongside for a while, and then they veer off to other directions. But there's that deep serenity when you're driving solo. You can hear your own thoughts. You can enjoy the scenery. The world is at peace.

/me sets the cruise control, turns on the music, and breathes.

I happened

This past relationship was stranger than previous ones because there were too many synchronicities around us. But there was also another reason -- something about him reminded me often of my RL ex-husband. Superficially, they are very different. But their *souls* feel the same.

And I think that's why this breakup is so complicated. There's a lot of emotional connections weaving in and out of the whole mess. At least on my side. It's not just about *this* specific relationship; it's also about a past marriage.

Today, I felt emotions that I thought I had already dealt with almost a decade ago during my divorce. The emotions were still as strong, but they came and went in a span of a few hours, instead of months. It just took me by surprise that this SL breakup would trigger an RL memory so strongly.

When I was going through my divorce and for months afterwards, I withdrew from friends and family. It's how I deal with grief, how I deal with pain. Somehow, I've opened up to a lot of friends this time around and most have given me advice. But most importantly, they've given me a shoulder to cry on, a hug for soothing, a dance for distraction. I will always be very grateful for those.

And I am also grateful for the funny responses to my blog entry. Be said, "Opal ... that entry can be an entire movie :)". Meanwhile, Anna simply sent me a picture of a train wreck. She always claimed that, because of my SL relationships, I'm a train wreck waiting to happen.

Well, I guess I happened.

I've been to paradise, but ...

This confession may be a shock to some and not to others, depending how you met me and how well you know me. *grins*

Last month, I created a new alt. Purely for sex. Very isolated. Some friends know she exists, but nobody knows her name -- none of my friends (SL or RL) and none of my siblings. And I'm finding out that having a sex alt is not so rare anyway. Whew!

Anyway, Anna sends me this link to an article about sex addiction with a disclaimer that she's not saying I have the affliction but she's not saying I don't either. A quote: "'Female sex addicts crave intimacy,' [Don Serratt of Life Works] says. 'They’ll use sex and seduction to create that closeness with a guy — but, once they get it, they freak out and move on to the next one.'" (I'm not going to say how close to home that one hit.)

Then, I hear a song I haven't heard for a long time, and it sticks in my head. I loved this song when I first heard it on the radio in my early teens, but obviously it didn't apply to me then. This time, with this alt, the song feels like a warning.



"Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun... But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free... I've been to paradise, but ...."

"Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete... But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet... I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free... Hey, lady, I've been to paradise, but ...."

Ironically, that same sex alt, who's supposed to only have one-night stands, has just fallen into a husband-and-wife RP. It started out as a joke, but it expanded from there. It *is* a warm and sweet RP, but that's exactly where the danger lies -- it melts my heart. And hearts melting turn into bonding, which is very risky in terms of emotions and anonymity.

/me frantically rebuilds emotional walls as they crumble around her.

Look What Love Has Done

Where once each breath was just a sigh of aching emptiness;
Where once I hardly felt the beating in my chest.
Now each breath feels like a precious kiss of life;
Now inside me beat the wings of a thousand butterflies.

Look what love has done to me;
Look what love has done.
This must be how it's meant to be.
Look what love has done.
And my heart is dancing through each day;
My soul is running free.
Look what love has done to me.*

* Jaci Velasquez (1998) Written by Rob Mathes, Stephanie Lewis

Is it possible to virtually love someone so much that it spills out into RL? Nothing has changed and yet there's a subtle difference in the world. The sun is brighter, the air is clearer, everything looks crisper, colors are more intense, music is sweeter. This affair has had an incredible effect irl that even my family and my friends noticed a difference in me.

Everything goes so well. There's wanting to preserve what we have for as long as we can. And there's wanting more, yearning more. So we inch closer and closer to the line that separates SL from RL.

(Although, my friend Anna disagrees. She says that I'm not *inching closer* to the line. She claims that, in fact, I've drawn a line and already crossed it, then drawn another line, crossed that, drawn yet another line, .... It sucks when your friends tell it like it is and you know they're right.)

My fear is that, if we cross over to real life and the veil is lifted, then the spell breaks, the innocence is lost, and the fantasy fades. Going into RL is a great risk -- double or nothing. Either you get a great romance in both SL and RL, or you lose what you already have.

And the odds are against you. Many have told me of stories of people who took SL relationships out irl. The "happily ever after" never happens outside fairy tales. And SL is a fairy tale.

On the other hand, how long can I live locked up in an emotional tower? January lover and I have so much in common and we are so often in sync that it feels like I'm interacting with my own reflection. The odds of me meeting someone like him again are miniscule. If we keep it platonic, will we always wonder "what if ...?"

Maybe the trick is to figure out which odds are better -- making an SL affair work irl or finding someone like him irl. And then maybe I should take December's lesson: jump in, take the risk, and carpe diem. Then, at the very least, I could say that I met life head-on, that I chose to truly live, instead of simply allowing life to happen.

On the other hand, ...

Make love, not war

My RL friend Anna has a wit that surprises me sometimes. Anna is a proponent of World of Warcraft. She prefers it there than in SL.

So, when I told her that December lover used to spend more time in WoW but has recently spent more time in SL with me, she gushed, "Awww... the poster children for the 'Make Love, Not War' campaign."

:-D

I wonder if Linden Labs Marketing is listening....