Exclusivity by blackmail

I didn't know we were exclusive. Seriously.

When Wolfgang and I met, we had many other lovers at the same time. Eventually, those lovers slowly faded away for one reason or another. Then there were just two of us.

In almost eleven years since we met, we broke up twice for several months. He claims we had numerous micro-break-ups too. I disagreed. We had numerous disagreements, yes, but I didn't see them as break-ups.

This isn't the only thing that we disagree on, of course. I preferred to strengthen the one-on-one relationships of our pairs. He prefers to loosely mix them up, like a hippy commune.

He repeatedly said in the past that he is polyamorous. And I didn't mind, so I always assumed that he could have at least one other alt with another lover.

But he also repeatedly said that he doesn't come into SL often enough to feel the need "to hunt". With our multiple alt pairs, his need for polyamory is satisfied for now.

Me: so you're polyamorous but all your lovers are me? ;D
Him: it was a part of the deal
Me: we didn't make that deal.
Him: I think we had one
Me: Nope.
Him: that if I had a lover, I should have told you
Him: so you would take distance
Me: Telling me is not exclusivity.
Him: that is same as it is a sort of blackmail
Me: you saw that as blackmail?
Him: the intent can look different, but the result is same as a blackmail

I didn't ask that we be exclusive. All I asked was that he tell me if he takes on another lover again. But I warned him that if he did, I could choose to stay or go. He could do whatever he wanted to do, but I could also do whatever I wanted to do. Only fair, right?

But he saw that as blackmail. From his perspective, he heard, "Be exclusive to me or I'll leave." When I argued that it's not blackmail or a threat, that I just know what I need to do to protect my own emotions, he said that the result is still the same.

He agreed to tell me if he took on another lover, but he hasn't yet. So he has been exclusive to me for years. He said that it's because he's pragmatic. I didn't understand what pragmatism had to do with it. Then I realized that this polyamorous man chose to be exclusive with me to avoid losing me. That's the pragmatic part.

But blackmail requires an exchange of valuables. So that means I'm at least as valuable to him as his freedom is. That's the romantic part. :)

So I guess we are exclusive. By blackmail.

Love, Like ... the Main Entree

A year ago yesterday, I surrendered.

It was in roleplay. The culmination of an intense two-week chase para-RP by email and offline messages. But that day, we met inworld for the capture part of the RP.

In the RP, he found me in my secret hideaway.
In the RP, I shivered from nervousness because he was so close.
In the RP, I realized that I had fallen in love with him.
In the RP, I cried when he leashed me.
In the RP, he fed me bread and I tasted his fingers.
In the RP, he changed his mind and wanted to release me because he felt protective.

But I felt all that, as though it were real. As though it were a wedding.

He too felt it strongly. "I felt like that man who gave you bread in your lips and from whom you caught fingers... loved, wished, and that you wished to be his," he said.


Then, yesterday, I surrendered.

With a different alt. To a different alt. To the same man.

I had asked if I could take Alt#6 out because I needed to vent, then I realized I couldn't. I met Impy through Alt#6, but I know that when I log her in, it would be Wolfgang that I would be reminded of.

Because he wanted her. Not in the way that other men wanted her. He wanted her to be part of our "family," to be cared for, to be protected, while allowing her her freedom, like the baker's cat.

He was already thinking up solutions to help me find my balance after losing Impy. He was convinced that I need another lover for balance, because he couldn't fulfill all my needs. (Sometimes, I'm surprised that he pays attention to what I say and remembers them long enough to repeat them to me later.) He reasoned that it would be good for us, because, if I'm happy, we'd get along better. He  tried to convince me to get another lover, because he knows me well now. But I think he just doesn't want to be blindsided. And he doesn't want to be the reason why I look for another.

But I already made up my mind the night before. I decided I don't need another lover. Not for a while. Maybe a couple of months or so.  We spend as much time with each other as we could, and I don't want to give that up. Besides, I don't really have a reason to grieve, because Impy never really came back. I lost him a long time ago, not this time. And I already grieved for him then. All I lost this time was my pride, but it's all my fault anyway, because I chose to be blind.

On the other hand, I gained two more pairs with Wolfgang. Three different relationships with him where we explore different possibilities, different roles, different ways of relating. If relationships were umbilical cords, I'd have more cords linking me to Wolfgang than with any other lover in all my SL. Relationships that were made stronger by our arguments and honest discussions.


Maybe I'll eventually find another lover or two. Who knows? But right now, I'm happy as we are.

Alt#31: You are definitely changing my SL.
Wolfgang#6: sl is not in one way only
Wolfgang#6: there are people inside :)
Alt#31: yes, but I had plans!
Wolfgang#6: hmm difficult to keep plans in human [relationships]
Alt#31: /me smiles.
Alt#31: Actually, I thought it would always be a certain way.
Alt#31: My SL, I mean.
Alt#31: I even wrote the book about it.
Wolfgang#6: you'd maybe change some things now you are more [experienced] ;)
Alt#31: LOL
Alt#31: "Love, Like ... the Main Entree"
Wolfgang#6: lol

Bon appetit!

7 days

It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.

"you are mine"

Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.

When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".

The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"

As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".

At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.

"i prefer he is your lover than another"

Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.

And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.

I hardly see Rapido anymore.

At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.

Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".

I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."

He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."

His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".

He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".

a birthday gift

The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.

After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.

A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.

I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.

Well, needless to say, we argued again.

This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.

I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.

I told him I'd decide the next day.

I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.

I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above

He replied with "Yes I wish".

In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.

During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....

tracker redux

"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."

I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.

It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.

But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.

So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.

So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.

packing the past

Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.

But the countdown had ended.

So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.

I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.

He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.

He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

Choices

For someone who is not religious, I have a lot of beliefs, most of which are not particularly mainstream either.

And two of them come into play these days....

1.
Many years ago, my youngest sister recommended the book "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. I don't remember why she did. It was the only new age book she ever recommended to me.

The theory of the book is that our souls belong to soul groups or soul families that keep reincarnating together. (Of course, this assumes that one believes in souls and reincarnation.) The roles and gender may change, but the connection remains. Before we come back to earth for a new life, we make mutual contracts with other souls in our soul group to help us learn whatever lesson we choose to learn in that lifetime. And there would be something, maybe even seemingly innocuous, that would help our soul recognize that other soul. When the contract is fulfilled, we then part ways until the next lifetime.

If that theory is true, I've come up with a corollary to it.

I believe that, when we are attracted to someone, it's because our soul is recognizing one of those souls that we have a contract with. And when we fall in love, we aren't falling in love with that person for the first time. We have loved them from eternity, and we will continue to love them till eternity. Falling in love is just a remembering of that eternal love.


2.
I also believe in synchronicity, in fate, in predetermination. We *perceive* free will only at a certain level. It's just like how we perceive solids to be impenetrable, when we know that there are huge spaces between the atomic particles. Or just like how we perceive our individuality, our separation from each other. I would even argue that the choices we think we're making in the name of free will is predetermined. It's just another effect after a long string of causes. Or maybe a web of causes.

Some of those causes may be psychological because of some past experience; some may be contextual because of the current situation. Sometimes, we might not even be aware of what those causes are. But, ultimately, fate narrows our choices to one, long before we have to make the decision.


Many people could not grasp the idea that I could honestly and deeply love more than one man at a time. Actually, it was a man who questioned it. The idea of monogamy -- or, more specifically, serial monogamy -- has been so ingrained in our culture. People understand having multiple sexual partners, but they cannot understand multiple romantic relationships.

How can you love just one child if you have several, I asked him. He said, this was different; this was a romantic relationship.

But, in some cases, it isn't just a romantic relationship. Or a romantic-and-sexual relationship. In some cases, it's a spiritual relationship, manifesting as a romantic relationship in this lifetime and expressed as a sexual relationship.

And I don't love them as a group, as a celebrity would love their fans as a group. I deeply love each of them individually and differently. Because each of them is different. And the dynamic of each relationship is different.

Loving one child does not diminish our love for another child. Love for one parent does not diminish our love for another parent. Love for one sibling does not diminish our love for another sibling. Love for one friend does not diminish our love for another friend.

Love as an emotion is not a zero-sum game. However, a lifetime is. And so we prioritize and make choices. And the mores of this society demand that we commit to only one mate at a time.


Most of my lovers are married in real life. There was no way the relationship was going outside of Second Life, although I tried once. One unmarried lover admitted he didn't really love the real me.

So I was left with one choice. We had so much synchronicity in our real lives that I thought he would be it. There were so many near-misses -- opportunities where we could have met, but we didn't. And synchronously, we met after his divorce, when we were both free. But his work took him away so often that I rarely heard from him. But the times when I did were so sweet.

The door was only slightly ajar, just enough for me to peek in, but not enough to let me through, though I've tried to push my way in. I had hoped that one day synchronicity would fully open it for me. After all, synchronicity brought us this far, so I figured it was just a matter of time.

Then I met 6969, and another door opened. And it opened wide. The intensity of his emotions created a vortex that was very hard to resist. Even with all my BUT's. It wasn't the future I imagined I would have. After all, I had given up the dreams of my youth. But there it was. He had answers to all my objections.

Fate narrows our choices to one.


But I am also aware that fate is fickle.


6969 wants forever. From this earthly perspective, there is no forever. But, from a higher perspective, he already has that. From a higher perspective, I love him from eternity until eternity.

The good news is that, from this earthly perspective, there is exclusivity and I give him that. From a higher perspective, there is none. I have met many soulmates in this lifetime before I met him, and I love each of them from eternity until eternity.

And from an even higher perspective, there is no concept of exclusivity at all. Because, from that perspective, there is no "other" to be exclusive with.

Immensely blessed

The break-up with 6-Minute Dancer stunned me in a way that was very unexpected, and what he said made me rethink my lovestyle.

Two lovers have consoled me since, two others have distracted me with fun conversations, and one other has sent me hugs and kisses. And I remember again why I chose this lovestyle.

I don't have to ask for more than each of them is willing to give. I don't empty their cups with my needs. That allows me to keep my independence, and them to keep theirs. We avoid co-dependency. Therefore, we know that, when we get together, we get together willingly, because we enjoy each other's company, not because we are obligated to be there.

There are times when I wish for more time with them. But when I miss one of them, it's not a generic emotion; I miss that specific lover. None of them is replaceable. Each of them is different. And that diversity in personality enriches my life. How could I give up that richness?

6-Minute Dancer is wrong. It's not that I can not be exclusive; it's that I do not want to be. Traditionalists may think that I'm being selfish, because I go for what I need. I would have thought so in the past, but, these days, I disagree. I share myself with more lovers than I would have in an exclusive relationship. At the same time, I allow my lovers to share themselves with others and to enjoy others. From that perspective, I think it is exclusivity that is actually a selfish act.

Being polyamorous doesn't mean I take on anyone who's available. In fact, as accepting as I am of people, I am very discriminating with lovers. The better ones stay with me longer, because I actively seek out their company, just as they seek out mine.

It was silly to grieve for losing 6-Minute Dancer; he wasn't right for me for several reasons. But that incident made me appreciate how incredibly lucky I am to have these lovers around me when I needed them, even though one of them waited almost a year before I considered him a lover and even though another hadn't been my lover for almost two years. Now, that is overwhelming.

I am immensely blessed.

Because I am who I am

He just left ten minutes ago. 6-minute dancer. I'm still stunned.

I had made him my primary after that 15-hour session. Then we dropped the ball. We both did. Today, we admitted it wouldn't work.

My reason was that he couldn't give me enough time. His reason was that he was "a little bit more old fashioned and traditional when it comes to relationships." Once upon a time, so was I.

But I had felt too much pain and endured too much heartache. My current lovestyle is how I control the pain and the heartache. I diversified to reduce the risk.

Sure, I lost the chance to delve deep into a relationship. But I never had much of that chance in the past anyway. So, who's to say I lost anything?

But the emotions still run deep. Oh, God, how deep they run! The pain remains, the heartaches still come, but the only difference is that I have someone else to catch me, instead of splintering into pieces alone like I used to every time a lover left.

Could I go back to who I was? Would I go back to who I was? He doesn't think I could because he couldn't meet my needs. I think that he couldn't meet my needs because he doesn't love me.

So my heart breaks. Because I am who I am.

6-day binge

The horse carriage happened. :D OMG, I was so weak afterwards.

We decided I'd do voice even if he couldn't because he doesn't have a mic. He had never done voice with anyone before. And I thought he had never roleplayed before, but he did very well. OMG Too well.

He indulges me. I asked him to change his shape, he did without argument. He cuddled with me afterwards for a long while. I warned him that it was the point where we would bond, and he was fine with it, as though he *did* want to bond. Whenever possible, he would request that I be on voice; he loves listening to my voice. When he's sweet and romantic, it's not because it's a prelude to sex. He's sweet and romantic, just because.

We both wanted the same things. We both didn't want exclusivity, but I wanted him all to myself for a while, and I told him so. But it was time for him to leave and that gave me a bit of time to think. When he logged back in the evening, we had a talk. I rescinded my request because it would be unfair to him. I can't hold him for a couple of months when I couldn't be here myself.

Then I told him the story of the two monks and the woman by the river. I told him that Buddhists believe that the reason we keep reincarnating is because of our desires that keep us attached to this existence. So I didn't want to be that young monk. I wanted to indulge my desires.

I wanted to binge on him.

He understood.

So, he'd give me exclusivity for the next 6 days, or at least whenever he could log in. And that makes me happy. I'm getting my 6-day binge.

Exclusivity without the promise of

I'll call him "Rapido" because he talks fast.

I met him two weeks ago at Sweethearts, actually. I IM'd him first and, soon after, I got other IMs. Then someone asked me to dance a split second before he did.

As a matter of principle, I went with the other guy who asked me first, but he turned out to be in his 20s and we didn't have anything to talk about as soon as we hopped on the pose balls. So I excused myself and explained that I was already chatting with someone when he asked me to dance and I felt that I made the wrong decision. The 20-something was surprisingly very gracious and he understood. I IM'd him again the next day, apologizing, and he was still very gracious. Whoever he ends up with will be a very lucky woman indeed.

Anyway, Rapido smiled when I said I was free again for that dance, and we went to Sunset Jazz, where there was less lag. We chatted only for about 15 minutes, then he excused himself soon in order to talk with a friend. I figured that was it. He friended me but I'm still being a hermit, so I turned off my status for him too.

Then a few days ago, I decided to go to Franks. I needed company. Franks was as laggy as usual, but I saw a yellow dot on my mini-map and it turned out to be Harper, so I waved in IM. After a brief exchange with her, I saw another yellow dot farther towards the corner and it turned out to be Rapido, so I said hi.

I asked him why he was just sitting there and not dancing. He said he was waiting for me. Uh-huh. LOL. But I needed flattery that day, so I went along. After struggling with the lag, he tp'd me to his rental place instead and we danced for a bit.

Well, it turned out that he's not just a fast talker but a fast mover too. Not that I minded. After sex, he said he had to work and he gave me a link to a radio station. I didn't quite get what the significance was. I thanked him and said I was listening to my own music. He laughed, then he had to go.

Back in my work loft, I tried the link anyway and heard a man with a rich full baritone voice, speaking in Spanish, and some music. The radio program reminded me of radio shows I grew up listening to, with the announcer interrupting the music every so often. The music was fast and had a strong beat and it really wasn't what I enjoy listening to, so I turned it off after a while and went back to listening to Il Divo.

I thought he would be gone the rest of the day, but he logged back in after a couple of hours. I realized that was him on the radio. So, we talked some more and had sex some more, until I was so tired. I logged off at 5:45am.

I usually outlast the men. They log off long before I do, and they don't need as much sex as I do. But I think I've met my match.

The next day, we had sex again before his show. But this time, he logged in using the computer inside the studio and sat with me throughout his show. And this time, I listened. Because I told him that I didn't like the music, he played Frank Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" and mentioned my name on the air, challenging in Spanish that if I didn't like Frank, then I didn't like the music. When he found out my RL nickname, he mixed it in with other trivia during the show. And he repeated it a few times. I was blown away. After his show, we continued chatting and had sex again.

That's been our routine everyday for the past four days, from 11pm to 5am or 6am. Talking, laughing, learning about each other. He's learning English and I'm relearning Spanish.

And we're defining our boundaries. He's very demanding. He wants exclusivity, for one. After thinking about it and remembering my last affair, I said no. I would give him exclusivity anyway because he fulfills my sexual needs, but I won't promise it. He asked why. I said it's because I've seen way too many men in SL cheat on their wives and their partners. It's not so much because I want to have sex with other men; it's that I don't want to worry if he's having sex with other women. If we're not exclusive, then I wouldn't care if he does. It's not the sex itself that ruins a relationship, but the lost of trust. This way, there are no promises to be broken, because the promise wasn't made in the first place. He laughed but he understood my point.

So, theoretically, we're not exclusive. But, in practice, we are. At least, for now.

Gone exclusive

He was born in SL two weeks after I was. In January 9, 2007, he stood two meters away from me during a live music event. (I found a line in my chat logs where my radar said he was "02m" away.)

Yesterday, I met him. Today, we became exclusive. On all alts.

We talked for hours today. We found out we have so many things in common, both in RL and in SL. And we shared the same perspective about SL; we both acknowledge that SL is not separate from RL, and we both know how powerful this medium could be.

After he logged off, I tried to transfer my cuddles HUD and my sex HUD (both from Digital Dreams) from my RP alt to Opal, and I forgot that I had set Opal to busy. SL ate the HUDs; they're not in either inventory. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something....

(Update: The HUDs eventually showed up in my inventory. I guess I can have sex again. LOL)

Tout ou rien

He gave me an ultimatum today and I don't know what triggered it.

We were just shopping for shoes. I was going to buy it for him, but he refused. Then, somehow, the conversation got to the exclusivity topic again, right there at the shoe store. He said goodbye and stormed off. I went back to my workloft.

A short while later, he tp'd to my workloft and stood there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything, then he left again. In the evening, he IM'd me again. He was still unwilling to compromise. All or nothing, not even friendship.

He is too young and too inexperienced to understand what a commitment entails. And for him, a commitment is total. Even dancing with other men would not be allowed if we were exclusive. And he doesn't like the fact that I have several other alts. Would he also restrict me using those alts, even if they were just for roleplay or other businesses?

It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that he refuses to compromise. It breaks my heart that he refuses to keep the friendship.

But it doesn't matter...

*I* will keep the friendship...

In case, he wants it back...

Someday.

Young lover

I met him as my sex alt four months ago. It was just a sexual arrangement. He is so young, in his 20s. But, so sweet, I couldn't deny seeing him again. I told him I couldn't be exclusive because I was with the Captain then. He didn't mind, since he had another girlfriend anyway.

We had to find places where we could talk in public chat and still be alone, in order to use the translator. His English is very limited. And, well, I'm learning to cyber in French. *grins*

He was the young lover I left for another in January. I went back to him afterwards and he welcomed me back warmly, repeating over and over that he missed me.

Last week, he wanted to hear my voice and, since I had been seeing him for a while now, I agreed. He fell in love with my voice, with my breaths. I fell in love with his voice and his charming accent as he tried to read the English translations out loud. He has great tenderness for his age. And also great innocence and naivete.

The next day, I decided to introduce him to Opal. After recovering from his initial shock (he was intimidated by Opal's ancient-ness), he was fine. Then I tried to introduce him to my RP alt, and he almost panicked. He said "je veux une femme... pas deux ou trois". Well, the built-in Google translator in the Emerald viewer translated that as "I want a wife... not two or three". The word "wife" made me panic.

We talked again today and it was clear that he wanted exclusivity. I couldn't give it to him. I'm seeing other men but not seriously either. And, yes, I care about him deeply and I love him, but I need more than just sex in a relationship. Even though I focus on the sex, when all is said and done, I need much more than that. As mature and charming and generous as he is, he doesn't yet have the wisdom that comes with experience and insight. Therefore, he could not understand me. Heck, most men my age could not understand me. It can't be a serious relationship if it doesn't go beyond the superficial.

He said he would find another woman, and we agreed to continue to meet as we have before, but no exclusivity. Still, my heart breaks for him, more so now than when I first broke up with him. I wish I were the right woman for him and he the right man for me, but neither of us is. I know my needs and it would not have lasted.

"if i would be married in SL..."

"if i would be married in SL with somebody ... for sure that will be with you ..."

I have issues. Everybody who knows me already knows that. The problem is that my issues conflict with each other. You see, I've had abandonment issues since I was a toddler. And after my divorce, I developed this long-term-commitment phobia. Pull. Push.

All I wanted to do was to give the Captain a gift, so, yesterday, I took him to the A.I.Friends store so he can pick out a kitten that looks like his RL cat.

Then, out of the blue, he asked me how SL pregnancy works because one of his friends mentioned that she and her boyfriend are gonna go through the SL pregnancy thing. So, I explained how it's done.

I offered to show him the pregnancy clinics and some prim babies. He declined saying that he is already a parent irl and he doesn't need it in SL. But he added that, if I wanted to, he would. I was touched.

Then as we continued talking about why women would go through that with a prim baby, he suddenly said, "if i would be married in SL with somebody ... for sure that will be with you ...". This time, I was stunned.

I was speechless. This was more serious than the pregnancy offer. And I was confused in more ways than one.

First confusion, he allows me to have other lovers and I see a partnership as being exclusive. I would have thought that he'd ask for exclusivity first.

Second, I love the man dearly. I adore him. I admire him. He is incredibly good to me. But I take partnerships very seriously, even if it's only in SL. The only time I partnered, it was only symbolic, because that partnership agreement was limited only to those alts and we promptly put those alts to sleep.

I think the cricket started chirping very loudly at that point and that added to the confusion in my head.

The Captain sensed that I was getting nervous about the whole discussion. So, he clarified that, no, he wasn't proposing. But I had a feeling that, even if he wasn't proposing then, he was testing the waters.

To tell the truth, if he really really wanted a partnership, I'd likely say yes anyway and deal with my own issues later.

*sigh*

/me prepares to wrestle with the cricket again.

When he lied, I cried

I have this little script that I wrote when I was with mfpwtff. It wasn't meant to be used for spying. I wrote it before he met Opal, so that he would know if I was logged into my other alts, and so that I would know when he's logged in while I was in my other alts. That way, he can either wait a few minutes for me until I join him, or he can assume that I'm asleep and do something else.

The past couple of months, my sex alt has had a few regular lovers who were European, so the scheduling was a bit tricky. So, I used this script for that. The Captain was one of those lovers. Even though he is now in Opal's friends list, he still doesn't know the identities of all my alts, so I use that tracker still.

Then the other morning, I was surprised to see his name pop up in that tracker, but when I looked for his name in my friends list to say hi, it showed him as offline. Thinking he must have logged in and out quickly, I checked my chat history. Nothing. So, I figured he wanted some privacy, so I left him alone.

Just to clarify, he and I have no agreement to be exclusive to each other. We had agreed to that arrangement even before he met Opal, because he cannot guarantee how much time he can be inworld for me, and he understands the reason I have a sex alt in the first place.

But, two hours later, he sent me an IM. This time, SL said he was online. And then he said, "i logged just to give you a hug."

Uh-huh.

He couldn't stay long, but I confronted him about it anyway. I said that all I ask from him is honesty. I reminded him that he has no commitment to me; therefore, he has no reason to lie. He promised he would never lie to me again. Then he had to go.

After he left, I cried.

And I couldn't understand why the pain was disproportionate to the transgression. It was really just a white lie. He said he was shopping for some items. But even if he were with another woman, I really wouldn't have cared; I don't consider him "mine" outside of the roleplay. And then I realized what it was....

During my undergrad, we were required to read "Sula" by Toni Morisson. In the story, Sula sleeps with her best friend Nel's husband. Nel later realizes that it wasn't the loss of her husband that hurt her more; it was the loss of her friendship with Sula. It was that feeling of suddenly losing a deep connection with the slash of a betrayal.

I had trusted the Captain with my secrets. That small white lie made me wonder if I was wrong to trust him. So, instead of revealing more of me, I would be holding back. The deepening of a friendship averted.

Now, I understand why Jaime, two years ago, mourned when all I did was copy and paste a simple conversation we had and share it with someone else. He had given me advice that I thought would help someone else. But that sharing of his words, which I didn't ask permission for, caused him to lose trust in me and threatened the friendship. I didn't understand it then, but I sensed it. It was a matter of trust.


I wonder if I still have that book somewhere....