Exclusivity by blackmail

I didn't know we were exclusive. Seriously.

When Wolfgang and I met, we had many other lovers at the same time. Eventually, those lovers slowly faded away for one reason or another. Then there were just two of us.

In almost eleven years since we met, we broke up twice for several months. He claims we had numerous micro-break-ups too. I disagreed. We had numerous disagreements, yes, but I didn't see them as break-ups.

This isn't the only thing that we disagree on, of course. I preferred to strengthen the one-on-one relationships of our pairs. He prefers to loosely mix them up, like a hippy commune.

He repeatedly said in the past that he is polyamorous. And I didn't mind, so I always assumed that he could have at least one other alt with another lover.

But he also repeatedly said that he doesn't come into SL often enough to feel the need "to hunt". With our multiple alt pairs, his need for polyamory is satisfied for now.

Me: so you're polyamorous but all your lovers are me? ;D
Him: it was a part of the deal
Me: we didn't make that deal.
Him: I think we had one
Me: Nope.
Him: that if I had a lover, I should have told you
Him: so you would take distance
Me: Telling me is not exclusivity.
Him: that is same as it is a sort of blackmail
Me: you saw that as blackmail?
Him: the intent can look different, but the result is same as a blackmail

I didn't ask that we be exclusive. All I asked was that he tell me if he takes on another lover again. But I warned him that if he did, I could choose to stay or go. He could do whatever he wanted to do, but I could also do whatever I wanted to do. Only fair, right?

But he saw that as blackmail. From his perspective, he heard, "Be exclusive to me or I'll leave." When I argued that it's not blackmail or a threat, that I just know what I need to do to protect my own emotions, he said that the result is still the same.

He agreed to tell me if he took on another lover, but he hasn't yet. So he has been exclusive to me for years. He said that it's because he's pragmatic. I didn't understand what pragmatism had to do with it. Then I realized that this polyamorous man chose to be exclusive with me to avoid losing me. That's the pragmatic part.

But blackmail requires an exchange of valuables. So that means I'm at least as valuable to him as his freedom is. That's the romantic part. :)

So I guess we are exclusive. By blackmail.

When you get used to caviar

He took offense when I said that he's free to have sex with someone else, using one of his alts that he didn't commit to me. He insisted that he couldn't do that, and I couldn't understand why.

He tried to explain that it was with the last pair that he finally felt there was no need for another. He said that he doesn't see us creating any more alts for each other. With the last pair, he had given me the deepest aspect of his psyche. There was nothing else deeper than that.

In our ten years together, we met each other in the middle and then went beyond. In terms of our outlook about relationships, he became more like me, and I became more like him. Long-term real-life relationships change the people in them. I suppose long-term virtual-life relationships are the same.

He tried to explain what our relationship means to him. What *I* mean to him.

Wolfgang's alt: and by the way
My alt: oui?
Wolfgang's alt: you know what we say about caviar
My alt: How did the conversation get to caviar?!?
Wolfgang's alt: when you got used to caviar, you don't eat Lump eggs anymore ;)

So, there. I guess I'm caviar now. :)

Love, Like the Main Entree

"Hehe, I like your words about paranoia and alt"

Those were Wolfgang's first words to me on 2012 March 6 at 14:50:11 SLT.

In the early months of 2012, I was getting ready to publish my book "Love, Like Dim Sum". Then I realized that I actually didn't have enough experience with BDSM, which was and still is widespread in SL. So I joined a capture roleplaying group. With a new alt, of course.

A few days before I met Wolfgang, I met someone else in that group who wanted to meet my main alt before he would interact with me. Right off the bat. Hell, no! So I wrote about that experience in my alt's profile. And that was what Wolfgang was commented about.

In the capture roleplay, the males were the predators who were hunting the females. (Yes, sexist, I know.) The predators used a bow-and-arrow weapons system that reduced the female's "health" whenever she was hit by an arrow. When it gets down to 0% or close to it, she is considered captured. Wolfgang claimed that he wasn't really good with the weapons system that the sim was using. But he claimed he was very good with roleplaying. Okay, I said, I could do roleplay too. I already knew that roleplayers made better lovers because of their creativity and language skills. But could this non-native speaker of English be a decent roleplayer?

Surprisingly, he is.

We had to roleplay by email because my father had a health scare and I had to drive from Seattle to San Francisco. During my drive, the world seemed very different; everything felt magical. Many times, I thought that something I passed looked like a forest in our imaginary roleplay world. My imaginary world and my real world were blending into each other like they never had before.

In the capture sim, if the prey (female) is caught, she must have sex with the predator (male) who caught her. So, after a week, I decided that it was time to let him "catch" me. The moment that he tied the leash after my capture, it felt like the most sacred part of a church wedding ceremony, ironically as profane as the roleplay was. I felt a very unusual tenderness and care from him that day and the next.

After that RP, I thought we would move on to play with others. Our chase was done after all. But he proposed that we continue meeting out-of-character.

At that time, we were both polyamorous. He had five lovers, including me; I had four lovers, including him. Slowly, through the following years, his four other lovers and my three other lovers faded away.

The past ten years were not easy, especially the early years. We argued a lot. He broke my heart many times; I broke up with him twice.

Third time's a charm, they say. But I think, by the third time, you give up all your hopes and expectations and just let the relationship be what it is. That's when you realize there are diamonds in the relationship that you never expected, because you were expecting something else.

Through private roleplays with each other, we've explored many types of pairings. I get bored easily and he enjoys the variety that we come up with. Although he initially pushes back on my ideas, he eventually agrees I was right. (My response: I'm always right! ;) ) And when he expresses a wish, it becomes my command, even if he says I don't have to do it.

Once, he promised that he would never abandon me, no matter what happens between us. And he kept his word through our break-ups.

He said he cherishes me. He never said he loved me.

I know many things about him, his family, his friends, his work, his life. I still don't know his last name. I could easily find him, but I choose to respect his wish.

Two of my past SL relationships lasted almost a year. I was amazed when my relationship with Wolfgang lasted two. Then five. Then ten. There's still no guarantee that there'll be an 11th anniversary.

Last December, in real life, I met up with some cousins, one of whom stayed with me in my hotel. In the middle of the night, she woke up to a vision. She said that she saw a man at the edge of my bed and I was caring for him, wiping and caressing his face. She remembered his face from the vision vividly. She thought that I couldn't possibly have a man in the room with us, so she went back to sleep.

The next morning, she told me about her vision.

I hardly talk about my SL relationships with my family, because the concept of SL is already foreign to them. But, after she told me about her vision, I peppered her with questions about what the man looked like. Then I showed her Wolfgang's RL pic. Her reaction was priceless. She recognized him right away as the man on my bed in her vision.

There is something magical here. In more ways than one.

Twelve years

When I was twelve years old in real life, my body started that biological monthly "ritual" that differentiated a child from a young woman. I had already started wearing a bra several months before that.

Opal is twelve years old today.


There are no physical or virtual manifestations of changes due to her age, besides the continual updates in technology (her avatar is almost entirely in mesh now) and a meaningful shift in her coloring (which has nothing to do with her age).

In 2006, I started with fair skin and red hair. On my first day, I shaped her face into the one that I had been drawing since I learned to draw as a child. And I gave her fiery hair because I used to imagine that I was a feisty Irish woman in a previous life.

I tried different skin and hair colors through the years, especially during my virtual fashion model phase. I had tan skin and black hair at one point, then I realized too many models had that look, and I wanted to look different, so I kept the red hair.

Soon after the Charlottesville incident in August 2017, I went back to tan skin and black hair, which is my real-life coloring. It was a quiet political statement. I am a Filipina-American.

However, I kept the same eyes with blue and green colors, like Australian opals, because, after all, she is Opal.

Opal in first land 2006 and 2018

Maybe the most significant change in my virtual life is my relationship with Wolfgang.

I met him in March 2012. I was finishing up my book which I published in May the same year. I thought he would be just another "dim sum." We broke up in January 2015. By then, he was the longest relationship I've had — almost three times longer than the second longest. The next year, we were back together. I don't even know precisely when that happened. We were supposed to be just friends the second time around.

We're still together.

Neither of us planned for a long-term relationship. Neither of us specifically wished for one. We are both polyamorous.

During our first three years, we argued a lot and, each time we did, splitting up was always an option on the table. Nowadays, the option is still on the table, but neither of us seriously consider it anymore.

Some days when I feel very insecure about our relationship, I still wish to give up and end it. Then Wolfgang would send me a funny email, and I'd realize that we're okay.

The odd thing is that the longer the relationship goes, the more insecure I become. My old abandonment fears, I know. So, we consider everything we do to make sure that we don't trigger my abandonment issues and my insecurities.

We're more patient with each other. He understands why I distrust him about certain things. So I'm more open about how I come to my own conclusions, which usually make me insecure, and he's more open to explaining why my assumptions are wrong.

Virtual-world relationships are no easier than real-world relationships.


Twelve years. I'm still here. Cheers.

Birthday doppelganger

"Aha !" was how he titled his email.

Your bday gift is got !

You'll have to tell me when you'll wish to receive it ;)

 And I initially thought, Hmmm, he bought another sex furniture?!

At the designated time on Oct 1, my birthday gift said hello.

I knew she was my gift because her username was very close to my real name. And that felt weird.

Flashback to the Captain

Many years ago, I was going to create an alt for the Captain to use in a BDSM roleplay with him. He said that doms typically named their subs. And when I asked him what he wanted me to name my new alt, he said my real name. I declined. I reasoned that it could make me lose my anonymity. He eventually gave me a different name but still related to my real name.

So, when I realized that Wolfgang named my gift after me, I had mixed emotions. But there's more....

(By the way, during the first week of October, the Captain logged in after a long absence. And so did Rocky, also after a very long absence. I wondered if long lost lovers returning to SL was going to be a trend, but it was just the two of them.  :)  )

Mini-me

When my gift teleported to where we were (we = one of our paired alts), I saw an avie who was dark-skinned and short. And I wondered,

Is this his interpretation of what I look like irl?

Why is he trying to recreate my RL self in SL?

What does it mean?

Her face is his style, however. Big eyes. Full lips.

We chose to give her a different display name, so I don't feel too uncomfortable referring to someone else with my almost-RL-name.

But he still felt I was distant from her.

Voluntary alt births

He used to be very resistant to creating private alts. I won't go through his reasons here. But last August, he created one without any prompting from me. That alt would be exclusive to me, to our group. And he created her to be a companion to one of my unpaired alts in our group.

I was very honored by that gift, but I considered the core (and most important aspect) of the gift to be the gesture, not the alt.

However, because we didn't discuss the creation of his new alt, I felt as though he was trying to curtail the freedom of my alt that he created that alt for. He assured me he wasn't, but he just wanted my alt to be more included in our "family."

I had always said that the pairs we have are like the big bolts that hold our relationship together. On the other hand, he prefers to mix up our alts in different ways to avoid too much familiarity (which breeds contempt) and for more sexiness.

So pinning down my free alt was probably one way for him to solidify our relationship. So I didn't mind so much that my alt's freedom feels curtailed. I see only him mostly anyway, so I didn't really need that freedom, but it's just the principle of it, the feeling of being free.

The creation of my birthday gift was a logical thing for him to do. He was trying to pin down another of my free alts, who was the third wheel in one of the pairs. But he had another motive.... He also wanted a different kind of sexual relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.

The past few days, we discussed the birthday gift's role in our family. We had to redefine who she and her partner should be to make things more comfortable for me. We finally settled on it today.

Wolf love

He is changing. Our relationship is changing. But the more I learn about him, the more I admire him and adore him.

Maybe he is this way only with me. He did say that he does certain things only for me. And, in addition, he listens to me more and he pays attention. And he tries to do things to please me.

He never said he loved me. But, if this isn't love, what is?

The psychology of reversed roles

Sometimes, you get the most interesting conversations while testing sex beds.

Wolfgang: do you see how it is more sexy [when] you are on this place?

He had just clicked SWAP in the menu. Earlier, my avatar was tied up and his avatar was the dominant one. After the swap, his avatar was tied up and mine was the dominant one.

He thought it was a lot sexier when I dominated him. And that was surprising, coming from a man who has always been dominant. But we have reversed roles for a few months now. Taking a more submissive role was one of the "gifts" that he gave me recently and that he promised to give to me only, forever. It was an easy promise, like my promise that I would never take another dom ever. Being submissive is not his nature at all. And not mine either.

For him, the reversed roles were a way to balance our relationship. I'm still not a domme, but I "take care" of him in our roles. I'm the oldest in my RL family, so it came naturally to me. At the same time, he says that he feels at peace and mellowed out in a less dominant role. It also makes him less likely to "hunt" other partners, although he pursues Opal and my other public alts.

We've been meeting almost everyday for a few hours before I go to work. (Yes, I've been getting up at an ungodly hour to meet him.) And the last few weeks, we've been like rabbits. Only a few months ago, I thought that menopause had caught up with my libido. I was wrong.

So, yesterday, when he noticed the big difference in how he felt, just because he swapped our avatars, I realized that it probably had to do with our reversed roles.


Because FF is not my natural sexual orientation, he understood that I was projecting into his female avatar often. Many heterosexual men have created female avatars because female avatars get sex partners more easily. Then they project into their male partner's avatar. So when his avatar takes on the more passive role, I project into her, not on my own avatar, because I can relate with her passivity better.

I thought he was projecting into my avatar, when I take the more assertive role. But, many times in the past two months or so, he would get a feeling that he never expected and it would amaze him. And I'd say, "Yes! That's exactly how I felt when you ..." and I'd recall a situation we had a long time ago when I was in his shoes.

He is finally understanding why I did certain things, why I made sacrifices for him, why I felt insecure. He was understanding those things from a first-person perspective.

I too have had my own aha! moments when I began to understand how he felt when he dominated me.


Today, we realized that the reversal of roles intensifies our sexual relationship as well, because we essentially experience it "in stereo".

When I first started with stereoscopy, I marveled at how intense the images looked in 3D. Someone in the stereoscopy community responded that it's because our brain gets twice the information — once from the image in the left eye and again from the image in the right eye. Two slightly different 2D images processed by the brain as a single image in 3D.

So, the role reversal is something like that. We naturally relate to the role we are familiar with — the dominant role for him and the passive role for me. But in the process of acting out the reversed roles, we also get the perspective from the opposite side — the passive role for him and the dominant role for me. So each of us actually get the full perspective because we get the view from both roles. Deeply, intimately. In the first person. Like stereoscopy. That's why these experiences have been intense.

Anyway, that's my theory, and he thinks it makes sense. :)


Our relationship continues to evolve. We've become more emotionally and psychologically intimate. We're not the same people that we were the first time. The situation is different, because we are each other's only serious relationship nowadays. And, because of the reversal of roles, we relate differently with each other. Because of the reversal of roles, we understand each other better. From experience, not just from logic.

Tying a posthumous knot

My fifth partnership in all of SL. My third with Wolfgang. Another tie that binds me to him. Another knot.

We decided to do it today, which is exactly five years after I surrendered to him in our first RP. The surrender that felt like a wedding.

We also decided to do it all without logging the pair into SL. It was all done on the website. Our relationship still has landmines, and this pair is one of those landmines. Too risky. Too emotional. And he is fighting to keep us together by avoiding those landmines.

We were logged into our current pair, which was the first pair we partnered. And we went to the "grave site" of the pair we partnered today to do the partnership there. It felt like a wake, like a ceremony for the dead. It was bittersweet. I cried.

Then I thought to bring Alt #6 to "visit" us again. I saw his strong affection for her, his sadness for losing her, how he missed her. At moments like that, he reminds me of my father.

But he was soothed with her presence. Well, more aroused than soothed. Just by her presence, he said. Like Pavlov's dogs, I said. He laughed.

Needless to say, I was late for work. :)

At this date of valentine

[2017/02/14 06:22]  

Wolfgang#7: I had a litte thought

Alt#35: yes?

Wolfgang#7: I know it is precipited and maybe little sily, and i m not very much in symbols

Wolfgang#7: and i don't know if you ll wish

Wolfgang#7: but in case you d wish, and thought it was nice to do, although the complication when we don't use the couple

Wolfgang#7: we could partner them at this date of valentine

Alt#35: :D

Alt#35: I wish! And I accept!

We were talking about his two alts whom I rejected, because they've been with his other lovers. I deemed them "unpure". Then we talked about my other alts.

He wanted to wake up Alt#27 but he didn't want to wake up his alt that was paired with her. That particular alt of his is male, and he didn't want to do MF. Instead, he wanted to created a new (female) alt to be with #27. I declined. #27 belongs with that specific alt, and I couldn't see her waking up while her lover remains hibernating. So, instead, I introduced him to #35.

He had mixed feelings.

A screenshot of my horoscope for today.
 © AstrologyZone Susan Miller

Almost three years ago, I was deeply hurt because he showed favoritism to one of his other lovers. Just as I personified Death, I personified my pain, my jealousy, my anger. Alt#35 was born. She roamed for a while, then I finally decided to stop hurting myself with my own anger. So I put her to sleep, with no one knowing about her at all.

When he met her, Wolfgang said that, in a sense, she was our daughter, taking a hint from something I wrote in her profile. Plus, I explained that her name came from a poem that he wrote for me. He was very glad to meet her; however, the reason for her existence bothered him.

I was surprised when he created his own alt to be with and to be like Alt#35. They would be another pair that are exclusive only to us, to our "inner circle". Pure.

Today was the first day those alts "met" and spent time together. About fifteen minutes before I had to leave to get ready for work, he had a little thought. So, we quickly wrestled with the partnering process.

By the time I hopped in the shower, they had each other's names in their profiles. My fourth SL partnership; two with him.

I also agreed to go back and partner Alt#27 with her lover, a partnership that I declined angrily in the past. But we would do that next month on the fifth anniversary of our very first meeting in 2012, so it would be a significant day for us. Then, I would have a total of five partnerships, three with him.

Melting walls

Wolfgang:

this is the contradiction inside these [abysmal] creatures
She reject like, and desire to be liked
the doomed creatures
cursed

Me:

Those are the creatures who really need love most.
But they build walls around them, so they cannot feel the love that's just outside the door.
So they keep looking for it and craving for it.

Wolfgang:

yes something like that
and when they feel it around, they get panicked
or strangled by

Me:

Because it means the walls melted and they feel vulnerable.

We were talking about one of his personas, but my responses were also about me.


That was part of the hour-and-a-half conversation that we had on Saturday (yesterday). During our twelve-and-a-half meeting today, the walls melted away.

Yesterday, I challenged him to let me do something that I knew he would never agree to. It was just a joke. After a lot of back-and-forth about levels of gifts, he agreed. I thought it was still a joke.

Today, we shopped for what we needed. I still thought he would back out. Or we'd call it just another RP and have fun. He later admitted that he also delayed it by taking me shopping at another store. He was nervous about it. But it was almost time for his bedtime. And he promised it today.

Just a few moments before I started, I realized how significant this was. And almost instinctively, I tried to distract him, like the best doctors and dentists do when they know they are about to do something very uncomfortable for the patient. I asked him detailed questions about what he had for his RL dinner.

It was over in less than a minute. Then, I held his avie tightly. I was very overwhelmed. My tears fell irl, and I told him so.

There are a few very significant moments in our relationship. The first time was during our RP when I felt as though we became wedded, because I surrendered to him. In that moment, it felt as though our relationship fast-forwarded to a deep intimacy. Today's experience felt just like that. Except it felt like it was he who surrendered to me. The effect was the same and just as strong as the first time.

And I realized many things. I understood many of the things he told me in the past, and now I believe him because I experienced it myself. It is very illogical, but I cannot deny what I felt.

My anger dissipated. My pain was soothed. He gave me a very big gift. And I felt it. And he felt my response. For real. Today, he paid his emotional debt.

Many men have lost sleep just to spend a few more hours with me. But not Wolfgang. Until now. He went to sleep three hours late. because, as he said, "it s hard to leave when you are sweet like that."

I've never returned to a past lover. Until now.

The gloomy and fog

the gloomy and fog about some things is so special that it has no sense to try to put precision and names on, when you wish to see things in their whole reality

That was his explanation about why he never said he loved me. We were in our first cuddle after two years. We communicated on email in the past few months. Almost daily. Usually more than once a day.

It was kinda my fault. I sent an email warning him that I'd be traveling to BeNeLux for a two-week holiday, so he could be sure to avoid those countries in case he was traveling too.

But he opened the door wider. Whenever I stopped responding, he'd email again. Whenever I replied angrily, he'd email again. In a lighter tone. As though he didn't know I was angry.

I carried my anger and my pain for much of those few months. I was cynical and sarcastic. Until one day when he was late sending me a reply. And I realized my day didn't feel right without an email from him when I woke up. It became a habit.

When I had a big argument with my mother and decided to move away, he understood. When my father passed away in late November, he understood. When I had a falling out with my sister, he understood. In the absence of a working computer, he was my only confidante and my only solace, because I could at least read email on my tablet (and later, my new phone).

In times of grief and sorrow and anger, I tend to pull away from everyone. But he emailed everyday. Like a fool who was unaware that I wanted to be alone. On the other hand, because he sent short emails, it didn't feel like an intrusion. And he knew just what to say. There was comfort, and even a sense of poetry, in his broken English.

When we finally met for a cuddle, I thought we could continue what we had in our emails. But he wanted more of the FF sexual relationship. I said no.

Our emails were based on reality. No RP. No personas. However, in SL, we were sliding back into the old RPs. And I couldn't stand that anymore. Why make the same sacrifices again? And for a man who couldn't say he loves me?

The pain returns. Almost as strongly as before.


Even though he agreed that we had discussed this topic more than enough in the past, he explains again anyway.

I never believe when someone tell me "i love you"

because for me the meanings of these words is mine

and i know it can't be true in my meaning

some people use that daily, even to their friends

some say to their different lovers

some to their dogs

feelings have their own meanings :) considered by every person

Maybe he's giving me more than what I ask for. Maybe I'm insisting on a specific wrapping when the offered gift is better than what usually comes with the wrapping I want. Maybe I'm asking him to stick a mundane label on something that is divinely indefinable.... So special.... The gloomy and fog.... The mystery.

Or maybe I'm just imagining what I wish to see.

And maybe the fool is in the mirror.

. . .

Happy holidays... whatever holiday you celebrate this season.

To revive or not to revive

Three years ago, I created the first episode of a machinima series.

Three years ago, I created the last episode of a machinima series.

It was the same episode. LOL



This month, I submitted the poster for that machinima to the SL Machinima Poster Archive for a contest.

Today, I received a notecard saying that it's on display inworld with the other submissions. The exhibit officially starts on May 30, but it looks like it's already set up.

I've been toying with the idea of reviving a few projects lately, including one that I stopped 12 years ago. I've thought of continuing the Cabaret du Crane in the past, but I dedicated the series to Wolfgang, and I really am not inspired to do anything for him anymore.

But I do want to do machinima again. Something more meaningful.

My muse has been dropping hints. Nothing fully formed. Just flashes, like disjointed scenes from a dream. From many different dreams....


We'll see.  :)

Too little, too late

Nesting

I had been feeling very disillusioned with SL the past year or so. It was like the Utopia that we had been trying to build had finally lost its wonder. It feels just like another RL now. And my soul is rebelling.

When I reread some chat logs that weren't lost to nothingness when my hard drive crashed, I started to feel emotions again. I started to sense that wonder again. Not as much as it used to be, but at least the fog is starting to clear.

I'm getting tired of empty platforms in the sky that were built for work.

I'm getting tired of the same venues that I visit for dances.

I'm getting tired of doing the same things over and over again.

I missed creating. I missed building my own space. Not one for my store, but one for me.

The last time I remember building a space for myself was during my first week in SL when I bought my first parcel. After that, I built spaces to share with partners. And the only spaces I built for myself were empty bland white platforms for working in.

So I started leasing a parcel. Just for me.

Paradise Lost

I looked at several configurations of parcels. I saw sims divided into squares, sims cut up like a pizza pie, sims with round islands. I ended up with a rectangle. Unfortunately, it reminded me of the last parcel I decorated for my pairs with Wolfgang. A month before we broke up.

I made that parcel with a beach, waterfalls, trees. I created it very quickly. I was very inspired.

And I missed that old parcel, even though we had it for only a month.

Maybe that's why I was attracted to this new parcel. Because it's just like the old one.

When the past knocks

I remembered Wolfgang's birthday. Before that, I remembered his alt's rez day, the anniversary of the day I met him. Both times, I remained silent.

He hated being reminded of his birthday, and he's always in a bad mood. But the previous year, he felt bad when his friends didn't remember. I wasn't going to be one of those who'd greet him this year, I thought.

Besides, I felt raw and vulnerable with everything else going on. Why open that door again?

But, a couple of days later, I woke up and found offline messages in my emails. "Hello Opal," he IM'd. "I hope you are fine."

Well, after reading that, not anymore!!!

I was crying as I prepared for work. All the pain came back. All the self-pity. All the anger.

My whole day was a blur. His words intruded my thoughts. What did he want?

I responded when I got home. I thought he would be in bed already, but he logged in and responded.

It was a strange conversation that went around in circles. Like our old conversations. I kept asking, "What do you want?" but he kept beating around that.

Finally, he explained that he was feeling grumpy (as usual) on his birthday, and he thought of searching for news about me. He wondered if I left SL. So he perved the profiles of my alts that he knows about, including the sleeping ones that were exclusive to him. Then when he read Alt#27's profile, he felt sad.

It took me a long time to convince him to create an alt for her to get privacy away from his other lovers. But he still refused to partner them. When we put them to sleep, he still refused to partner them. But now he wants to "repair that unfairness" and partner them.

WTF?

I ran away from very harsh words that broke my heart more than anyone ever had in SL. Why would I want another connection with him?

Besides, they're dead! They have been for a year. What's the point?

Why raise up the ghosts that would bring nothing but pain?

If he wanted to repair any unfairness, why only that? He had been unfair to me by several magnitudes more, and it would take a lifetime for him to resolve that imbalance. He is offering me nothing but a morsel, and it is a bitter morsel.

Still, I was touched that he held on to something before that painful fight. I told him I needed at least a year to recover, then I could be a friend to him again. And he noted the date. Meanwhile, after that last argument, I wrote him off, entirely out of my life.

So I befriended him again. And I hugged him while we talked about his partnership proposal and almost argued again about old issues.

But he couldn't give me a good reason for the delayed partnership. It would mean nothing to me now. And logging Alt#27 back in could open the emotional floodgates even more. It's even more dangerous now that I'm feeling raw and vulnerable.

He kept trying to convince me until I finally asked him, "How important is this to you?"

He paused.

Then he said, it's a tricky question. Because, if he said it was very important to him, I'd do it just for him and that creates a greater imbalance.

*sigh*  I have a feeling this topic would come up again.

Forgiveness week

Forgiveness, Part 1

Last Saturday, I got pissed at my brother-in-law, and my sister said I was mean in my email. But I felt justified for being mean. But I don't like being mean. The anger didn't go away, so I wondered what else was bothering me.


The last time I spoke with Wolfgang, I told him that I got bad luck the last two times I spoke with him. But I felt an inner push to at least wish him a happy birthday. So I did.

He was dancing with someone when I pinged him after a brief exchange in email. But he kept talking in IM, even after a number of times when I thought I already ended the conversation. There were very long pauses. I thought he was focusing on his dance partner, but in the end he said he already stopped dancing "a long time ago".

Of course, we argued. And I became really pissed when he misspelled Opal's name twice. He said he wasn't trying to provoke me. Then we talked about one of his alts, because I thought he was changing her character from sweet and tender to dominating and manipulative. For some reason, that hurt me. Like he was killing her. So I told him that.

He said if he was going to use her, it was inevitable that her character would change, because he doesn't think that aspect of him would come out with anyone else. Then after a pause, he asked me (I thought, tenderly, wistfully), "Do you want to see her?"

I said, "I don't know." I worried that the old emotions would just come back again. He understood.

Finally, I told him I had to go to try to get my OpenSim account ready. He came for a hug; then I left.


I felt much lighter.

It took a year for me to finally really forgive Impy. That forgiveness came when he held me in a cuddle when I was grieving about Wolfgang.

So I'm surprised that it didn't take that long to forgive Wolfgang.

But grief comes in waves. Maybe this is just one of the dips between the waves of pain and anger. Who knows?

Volunteer, Like Dim Sum

Kat Lemieux, founder and head of the International Spaceflight Museum asked for volunteers to attend the Virtual Worlds Best Practices in Education conference. I said I'd go.

When I signed up, I also signed up to volunteer for the conference as camera operator for the presentations and as parcel manager at other times. So, I was double-volunteered. (Well, you know, ... Two birds with one stone.)

I saw many people there who are already in my friends list but I haven't talked to in ages! And I made more friends!

Forgiveness, Part 2

Last year, I met someone at a friend's wedding. From the start, he already pissed me off because I thought he was rude to my friend. But, because he bought my book that same day, he became a customer, so I had to be polite.

Long story short, he pursued and I ran away.

Then I was surprised when I saw him again this week. I suppose it made sense for him to be there, but I was surprised anyway. Actually, I initially just thought that the name sounded vaguely familiar. But I was seeing so many vaguely familiar names throughout the week, so I didn't think much about it.

Then I suddenly remembered who it was.

I said hello. He was surprised I did, because he remembered our last conversation being "negative". I said that I just remembered feeling pressured. He apologized. I apologized. And that was that.



All in all, it's been an odd but nice week. Somehow, it feels like this week is life-changing in some way. I don't know how or why. But, for once, being around people felt really nice. Maybe because I was around people who energize me. And maybe because I've forgiven the people who didn't.

Deserving

Something has been sticking in my mind the past few days. It was a conversation I had with W not too long before we finally split up.

I said that I usually leave when I think I don't deserve the other person.

He laughed and he said he usually leaves when he thinks the other person doesn't deserve him.

Nothing surprising about that. He always admitted that he is egotistical.

I didn't say any more about the subject.

Soon after, after a long heart-wrenching decision, I left him, even though he didn't want me to.

I left him because I don't deserve him.... I left him because I deserve better.

Why you don't love me - an open letter

This is probably the first of a series of postmortem / detoxification / whatever-you-want-to-call-it entries. Or it may be the only one.


Dear W,

I know why you don't love me.

You don't love me because, since the beginning, you've tried to mold me into something I'm not.

I loved my freedom, but you tied a leash to my neck.
I brought you light, but you desired my darkness.
You wanted me to wear the accoutrements of a woman of the night.
The short skirts, the low necklines, the high heels.
The stockings that you loved.
You called me a hippie like it's an insult.
You cursed my intuition.
You mocked my imagination.
You enjoyed the pleasures that my love brought to you, but you rejected its intensity, even if the intensity itself created the pleasures.

Maybe if you opened your eyes and saw me for who I am, instead of trying to mold me, maybe you could have loved me as I love you.

Or maybe not.

Shaping the bonsai

Photo by Ragesoss

It all started a week and a half ago.

I asked Wolfgang if he missed his sub, who rarely comes in anymore, because her husband discovered her affair. W refused to answer. As I expected. But my question also made him angry. Again, as I expected. And he can be harsh with his words when he's angry. So, I, too, became angry, so I didn't email him during my lunch or before going to bed, as I usually did.

The next day, he informed me that he agreed to meet an old SL friend who was celebrating her birthday and wanted to see him alone, during our usual scheduled time. He didn't ask me beforehand. He simply assumed I didn't want to log in, just because I didn't send email.

I emailed back that it was fine, and I went back to bed. When I woke up, there was an angry email accusing me of not wanting to see him, because I didn't send emails to confirm we would meet during our usual time and because I decided to just go to bed when he said he was meeting his friend. That accusation hit a nerve and I saw red.

I lose sleep to be with him. He is up there on my priority list, and I am even lower than his sub and his other SL friends on his priority list. How dare he accuse me that I didn't want to see him?


Since we met, I kept reminding him that I am neither submissive nor lesbian, and I had always talked about getting more balanced in our unbalanced relationship, which became more and more unbalanced. In the past year, our meetings had been mostly D/s or F-F or both. I'm afraid to ask for his male alt because I sense that he prefers to do something else. The last time I asked for his male alt a few weeks ago, he ignored it entirely and logged in a female alt anyway. But I did the D/s F-F for him because we became closer through those alts until a year ago, when he cut the time he spent with me. I continued the D/s F-F just to keep his interest. It was my sacrifice, but he thought I enjoyed those RPs. I suppose I was very good at RPing a submissive lesbian.

But, with the new job and not getting enough sleep, my cup became empty. It was not just empty; it was bone-dry. I cannot give if I have nothing to give. And my question was... "Is it worth losing sleep for a submissive lesbian RP?" If he saw me as just an RP buddy, why am I make this big a sacrifice?


We touched a lot of points in the past week and a half. Old issues. New issues. New questions. New ways of seeing things. We agreed on very few things. We disagreed on many things.

Yesterday, we defined what RP is. To him, everything, except the OOC chats, is RP. To me, the usual emotes between lovers is not RP, except when his character is female, which becomes "light RP," because he's not really female and I'm not really a lesbian.

In the end, we decided to continue meeting with his male alt (the only male among the four he uses with me) and the only one of mine who has never been collared (among the four I dedicated to him). And we'll see how it goes. From his perspective, our only option is to give up and go our separate ways. I'm fine with giving up too. After all, I was the first one to mention it, early in the argument. But I thought of other options too, including balancing our relationship more and doing the D/s F-F once in a while, but he refused.

He claims that I didn't enjoy his company entirely, just because that type of RP wasn't something I'd choose on my own. But I got to his more tender inner self through his female alts. I compared his more tender inner self to a hallucinogenic drug that I wanted, and his female alts were the needle that caused a little pain so I could get that drug. By taking away the "needle," he was denying me the "drug." He didn't like that metaphor.

Instead, he compared it to cutting branches. He said "the eternal question" is whether to cut the branches or cut the tree. The intent is not to kill the tree, so the "worker" cuts the branches first, although cutting the branches could still kill the tree.

I understood his metaphor. It was a good one too.

Then I thought of the bonsais that I was looking at online a few weeks ago. I used to own a couple of juniper bonsais but I had to give them up when I moved from California to Washington State many years ago. I remember the delicious smell when I pruned them. And I remember reading something about how a challenging environment (too windy, too rocky, fires, wounds on the trunk) makes a tree more beautiful. That's what bonsai masters try to recreate. And that's why they chip and burn the trunk and branches to simulate dead wood, and they prune unnecessary branches, and they wire and twist the remaining branches into shape, and they wait for new branches to sprout. And they nurture the tree everyday.

He doesn't like the bonsai metaphor either, but he said that, if it makes me happy, it's fine with him. :)

So we're trimming most of our branches this time. Hopefully, we don't trim too much that we kill the tree. And if we learn how to do it right, maybe someday we'll have a beautiful bonsai of a relationship.

A seven-minute gift

Wolfgang was thinking of gifts for my alts. Belated Christmas presents. He took a long time to decide. But I had a better idea. Instead of the dress and the shoes that he had planned to get, I said I preferred to see him in Skype.

Although he had sent me several selfies, I had never seen him in Skype, although he had seen me a few times. It's just one of those imbalances in our relationship.

But he hates Skype. More than he hates phones.

"so why to torture me with?" he asked.

"I just want to see you," I replied, "with expressions on your face... to see how you smile..."

"i m not spontaneous," he explained. He receives the message, analyzes it, and responds with the expected reaction.

"And I thought I was funny.  :\ " I pouted.

He LOL'd and explained further, "a good joke make smile inside ... but it is inside." For him, the facial expressions are a way of communicating externally and are, therefore, "fake."

He reiterated that he isn't spontaneous, but he added that he was told he had an expressive face.

We continued talking about fake smiles. I had already accepted the fact that I wouldn't get what I wanted, but he said, "No smile. Just a short time of cam. ... It will be just 2 mins."

He gave me seven. :D

In those seven minutes, he didn't speak to me by voice, so we were typing in IM. Then his phone rang and I listened to him talk fast in French. It sounded like he was hurrying to hang up, but the caller asked another question so the call became twice as long, although probably still under a minute. He sounded impatient, which was understandable, because he really hates talking on the phone for longer than necessary. But I loved listening to him talk. And I told him so. That's when he realized that he forgot to mute himself on Skype. We continued to chat by IM anyway.

In those seven minutes, I was mesmerized. I had to consciously type something and reply to him or else I'd just sit there quietly, drinking him in.

In those seven minutes, he tried to seem cold and distant. But I saw very brief glimpses of emotion. Like the half-second of instantaneous joy when he saw something on the screen in the beginning, when my video came on, although I later realized my image was very dark because I had no lights on in my room. Like his eyes darting to the sides as though looking for escape in the beginning of the call. Like his left hand curling against his left jaw for a moment, then the index fingers of both hands steepling in front of his lips as though he were trying to strike a pose, again for only a brief moment, then both hands disappearing from view. It was as though he didn't know what to do with his hands.

In those seven minutes, I saw a man who tried to project being calm and collected. And, yes, I sensed that coldness, that distance. But I also saw very brief glimpses of discomfort and uneasiness and self-consciousness and vulnerability.

Maybe he really does hate Skype and that's what causes the discomfort and uneasiness and self-consciousness. But it is also very telling that he would do the thing that he hates most, simply because I wished it.

Changing the premise

Wolfgang: what we did is good
Alt#27: what we did?
Wolfgang: yes
Alt#27: what part?
Wolfgang: everything we managed to do together ... we [solved] many obstacles
Alt#27: With much more difficulty than any relationship I've ever had in SL!
Wolfgang: and succeeded to keep it alive since long
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: so, better when difficult than easy
Alt#27: LOL
Wolfgang: but also we created challenges, goals ... imaginations ... we did a lot
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: and we continue to do
Alt#27: oui

Alt#27 and one of his female alts were supposed to go out to a BDSM club. But Alt#27's collar was locked, so he had to log in his male alt (her master) to allow the female alt to hold her leash. Something about the RP felt as though he was giving Alt#27 away, and I told him I felt sad. So he logged off his female alt and continued to hold me with his male alt.

I had been feeling insecure because our pairs have been moving around, all within the "family," but he also knew that I saw the original pairings as the glue that kept the whole "family" together, like screws that bolted two metal pieces together at key points. So with the alts "cheating" on their partners (of course, it's still just the two of us) in our RPs, I felt more insecure, like the screws were loosening. Or like the big screws were being replaced by smaller screws. And although there were more smaller screws, it felt as though their total strength didn't add up to the fewer big screws.

Of course, I didn't explain that to him in so many words. I just said I felt sad because it felt like his male alt was giving Alt#27 away. His initial response was "pfft" and that assuaged my insecurities, but we continued the conversation anyway.

After we logged off, I had an epiphany.

Since childhood, I learned to expect the worst, but hope for the best. I did the same with my SL relationships. And since Wolfgang never actually told me that he loved me, I chose to go by the assumption that he didn't, although he argued that his actions said enough.

So, during today's discussion, we had an argument about logic. He claimed that I don't think logically, because my emotions are based on nothing. I replied that I have logic, but my assumptions, my premise, could be wrong, and I start conversations to verify my assumptions. Of course, he calls those conversations "arguments."

Then something occurred to me after we logged off.

I realize that I tend to be insecure, a lot. The more vested I am in a relationship, the more insecure I became. Makes sense, no? But he always says that those insecure emotions have no basis. And he has said it in so many ways. ... "You keep your place with me." ... "I don't give you up." ... "Pfft."

And he expressed it in his own actions. He made sure I felt good in whatever we did or he wouldn't do it. He kept the conversations going. He showed an interest in having a future together. And he showed up. Like he said, we "succeeded to keep it alive since long."

Why am I still insecure?

So, I'm thinking of doing an experiment. This time, I'm going to change my premise. This time, I'm going to go with the assumption that he loves me deeply. That he adores me. (He did say that once, after all.)

This time, I'm going to expect the best.

Opal Drew

And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
- Rascal Flatts


Something caught my eye in Flickr yesterday. Actually, a lot of things catch my eye on Flickr, and I just fave them. ;)  But this one was different.

Without going into details, I'll just compare it with previous experiences. Two, in fact. The caption was the name of a song that was "given" to me a long long time ago. The first thing I thought of was an old incident when a former lover said that a certain song reminded him of me, and then he later dedicated the same song to his bride at their reception which HiHo attended as the best man. I thought it happened again. But reading through the description, it wasn't the case. Then I wondered if the caption was a very discreet message, which reminded me of another incident where what seemed like an encoded message was "mistakenly" sent to a group chat.

I don't know what to think about this. Or even if I should even think about this. There are enough clues to figure out what happened. And I wondered if karma had anything to do with it. If it did, I don't know if I'd rejoice or if I'd sympathize.

Wolfgang repeatedly reminds me to stick with reality and stop imagining things. (This, from a guy who RPs with me every time we meet.) That's what he usually says when I'm being insecure. But, maybe he's right. Maybe I imagine myself as Nancy Drew and see clues of "mysteries" everywhere. Well, my avie already has the auburn hair....



Soon after midnight, I met with Rapido, who is now partnered. He said it went very fast. But being partnered didn't change how he flirts with me anyway.

He asked me to fix up his alt Rapido#2, who is exclusive to me. I asked what for, since he is now partnered.

"[Alt#31] would be your mistress?" I asked. I think he misunderstood, because he asked if Rapido#2 would be my master.

I replied, "I already have a dom. I don't want any more."

"Not like me," he countered.

"But I promised him no more doms or masters after him," I said. "I'm a terrible sub.... I give him headaches."

Then he claimed, "You are mine.... sl and rl."

I had to change the subject. :)

On all fours

Wolfgang is on a holiday with no access to SL. We've been communicating by email mostly. Very short ones from him, because he could only use his phone, and he hates to type long emails on it.

In the past, I've sent him seductive photos (after converting them to very small jpgs). This time, I am working on a seductive machinima, instead. He knows it's for him. I had been working on it for a long while now, and before he left for vacation, I said it was better for him to see it when he comes back so he would have something to look forward to.

So I wasn't thinking of sending him any photos so I could work on the machinima. But today, he explicitly asked for one.

"Send me [a] nice sexy pic if you wish and can... pick who. And [tell] me why the choice." He meant I could pick which of my alts to take a picture of. We had talked about folding in a fourth alt into the family, one who had once belonged briefly to a lover. But Wolfgang is actually chasing after Opal lately.

I told him I'll let it simmer in my head and send it to him when I get a good idea for one. He said it was simple. "Just to pick [an] avy and sexy pose with a meaning." And he added, "Like... student on [all] fours waiting [for] her roommate..." He was referring to a roleplay we were doing.

I replied that I had to finish the machinima. After a few emails back and forth with pretend tantrums on both sides, I complied. :D

Pick an avy... Done.
Sexy pose... Done. (I suppose boy cats find it sexy.)
On all fours... Done.
Waiting for her roommate.... Oh, yes, hurry home, darling.  :D