Overlapping lovers

My lovers are overlapping today.

First, let me talk about a new lover. I'll call him "Rocky" because, within a couple of months of each other, we both visited the "Garden of the Gods" in Colorado where there was a rock that seems to defy gravity.

We found that there are many other similarities in our lives. We were married in the same year (not to each other, of course). We lived in the same area. We worked in the same industry. My favorite dim sum restaurant is the exact same one as *his* favorite dim sum restaurant (and, no, it's not a chain). In all those chances of physically running into each other, we never met... until, one day, Alt #11 was wearing a gold gown and found someone wearing a suit with a vest in the same gold shade at Frank's. And I IM'd him because his profile made me think that he might be a fellow writer. That was late last year, but he disappeared for months and just came back. He's still rarely here. *sighs*


Anyway, first story: October2006 IM'd me today after months and months (maybe more than a year?) of no contact. The first thing he said tonight was "love u", just like that, out of the blue. Well, he needed a friend tonight, so I went to give him a hug for a few minutes before he went to bed.

For some reason, after he went to bed, I opened his profile in the Notes tab and realized that he has the same birthday as Rocky. Here are two more coincidences: October2006 is four years younger than I, and Rocky is four years older than I. October2006 got my SLirginity; I got Rocky's SLirginity.


Second story: Yesterday, I was cleaning up my parcel in Amberaldus and I emailed Rapido to ask him to come and pick up his objects, since I'm thinking of selling that parcel. I haven't seen him since late October, although we've communicated briefly through offline messages and emails. The last email was more than a month ago.

Well, he *did* clean up but he left three heart-shaped prims and his email said "I love you so much" and he wants to come back but I'm asleep during the times he could come in. Anyway, I listened to his show today and he played "MacArthur Park" (which I associate with the Poet) then "Amigos Para Siempre" (which I associate with MAMJJ), two songs which I never heard him play before.


Lucky Bastard chatted with me in Yahoo and in email. Surf came in once. And December2006 poked me (again) in Facebook. I told him that, because we keep poking back and forth, it's almost like the other kind of poking, except it's in very slow motion. *grins*


Three current lovers and three very friendly ex's.... A little bit here, a little bit there, and I had a full meal of loves this week. :)

*burps*

October chill

These past few days have been a blast in the past. January lover reminds me of September lover in his absence. November pings me to renew the friendship, which, I think, is very sweet but I am cautious. And October IMs me out of the blue just to say my blog has gotten dull.

It is October's comment that stimulates my gray cells.

This is the second time he had insulted me after we broke up. And the first time was about something I wrote in this blog too. I don't understand why he tortures himself by continuing to read my blog. It takes effort to bring up my blog and to read it. It takes effort to log into SL and send me an IM about how dull my blog has gotten. Is my blog so potent that it has become addictive?

My blog recollects my life in SL. If my blog has become dull, is he implying that my Second Life has become dull? They say that we see the world through the filter of our own experiences and that we hate in other people what we hate most about ourselves. Could it be that his comment reflects more about his own life than it does mine?

I once heard someone say that constructive criticism is a gift, but I can't really categorize this comment as constructive. But I am grateful that he has given my brain something to chew on. After all, I needed something to perk up my dull life. ;-)

(Yes, I know, I should just mute him.)

Goodbye, love.

One of my best friends in real life explains why his past relationships didn't work: "Because they are who they are, and I am who I am."

It sounds so simplistic. But there's a profoundness in it.

Last night, I had to let a lover go. He is who he is, I am who I am, and who I am hurts him. Don't get me wrong. He's a wonderful lover -- intuitive, sensitive, caring, and generous. In the MBTI, he's probably an "NF", what Keirsey calls the Idealist. On the other hand, I'm an INTJ, a Rational. And when my cold analyses scratch his warm sensitivities, we both get hurt, we both feel misunderstood.

But I have no regrets about meeting him and loving him. With him, I've had many unforgettable experiences, touching moments, and warm memories. And I will look back on them fondly.

Maybe someday, if I'm lucky and the pain has healed, we'd come back and renew the friendship, if not the romance.

But, for now,... Goodbye, love.

Soul contracts

In the book "Journey of Souls," Michael Newton posits that groups of souls make contracts with each other before being incarnated in a new life. These contracts that we make with our soul companions are meant to help each other learn and grow. Even the little things that attract us to our soul companions are part of the contract to help us recognize the other in this lifetime.

A day short of a month ago, I met a soul companion in SL. SL being a virtual world, I didn't realize how significant my soul's contract is with him. This past month, he had been triggering all the emotional issues that I thought I had already left behind. Relationship issues.

Last night, the issue was about jealousy. And, all of a sudden, I was having flashbacks of my marriage. When I couldn't deal with it anymore, I ran away. Just like I did in the past. I understand that I've never really learned my lesson then, so fate brings it up again. Would I learn it right this time?

It's just ironic. That this happened on the anniversary of my failed marriage.

So what happens now?

There is nothing that could make us feel as incredibly vulnerable as an intimate relationship does, even if that relationship is just a fantasy. Trusting someone frees us to open up. If we feel safe, we trust a little bit and open up a little bit. If we still feel safe, we trust even more and open up even more. It's a necessary spiral towards deeper intimacy.

But, when we open up and realize that it isn't safe, we quickly put on an armor. And, more often than not, the armor has long poisonous spikes. So the mere act of putting on that armor hurts the people who are closest to us, whether we intend to hurt them or not. And that pain makes them feel vulnerable, so they also put on their armor, which hurts us back. And the spiral reverses.

Trust is so fragile. So difficult to earn and so easy to lose. And the only way to stop that loss is to take off the armor and be vulnerable again. But, oh!, the pain.

These past couple of days, I kept hearing a song from "Evita" in my head -- the one sang by Peron's lover after Evita arrives and sends her packing.

I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it -- wouldn't you?

So what happens now? (Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now? (Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to? (You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?

My shrink: SL

(I had been trying to keep my SL persona separate from my real life self. And I had planned for this blog to be Opal's voice alone. But writing purely in Opal's voice is very difficult. Opal has very limited experiences. Even though I made her aware of her creator, writing from her perspective can become very two-dimensional. And if I attribute my thoughts to her, how do I explain the source of her wisdom? So I swing from different perspectives. Sometimes, the "I" is just Opal. Sometimes, it's the "I" in real life. But most of the time, it's a combination of both. In this entry, it is the "I" in real life speaking.)

Creating Opal is somewhat like creating a fictional character. Fiction writers have talked about their characters coming alive, such that they talk about those characters as though they were real people. I've even read of a writer (I can't remember who it was now), who said that he just creates the characters and the characters write the plot.

I've also heard it said that there's always something of the writer in the fictional character. That is, that the character is actually just an aspect of the writer's personality. Well, Opal has a lot of me in her. But at some point in the past month, I realized that I've been using Opal to balance my real life. I give her what I cannot have or don't allow myself to have in real life. That includes her looks, as well as her experiences. But creating an entirely new personality is as difficult as telling a lie. And since I'm in-world as much as I am, that can be very tiresome. So, Opal's personality is actually mine. But filtered. She gets the good parts of my personality.

However, last night, I had a spillover. And a bad one.

I (as Opal) was with the man I was seeing. We had another wonderful evening together. But, as we were holding each other, getting ready to say goodnight, I said that, if he wants exclusivity, he just has to ask. But, he's not ready.

He said it so sweetly, but it shook me out of the fantasy and back into reality. And I suddenly realized that, there they are -- my real life abandonment issues, intruding into my perfect virtual reality. And they've been there the whole time! I mean, in real life, I am fiercely independent. I had paid dearly for my freedom, that I tell people I'm "happily divorced." And, yet, in virtual reality, I am drawn to commitments. What on earth?!?

It's gotta be my abandonment issues. What else could they be?

Blame it on that kiss anim. It shuts down my left brain.

Touched for the very first time

Well, last night, I lost it.

"It" being my virtual virginity. A full month after I get in-world. With a man I had just met a couple of days ago.

There's something about me and second meetings in Second Life. I get engaged on the second meeting with one man. I have sex on the second meeting with another. In SL, there's a sense of time going fast. Either that, or I'm just less inhibited. After all, the consequences are not as dire as in real life. Or is it?

So what if my heart gets broken every month? It's all just fantasy, right? Or is it? Isn't real life an illusion as well anyway? And why do the emotions feel so real?