Comfort dance

Relationships are difficult. Memories are comforting.

Today, I indulged in a memory. Because I needed comfort. Because I needed to remember someone who thought that it was impossible to stop anyone from falling in love with me. He was wrong, of course, but, once a year, I pretend he's right.

Till next year.

Dancing with a memory

Yes, I'm sentimental.

Yes, I'm weird.

Yes, it's eerie.

In SL, you can remember someone with more than just still images or chat logs or machinima. In SL, you can remember with a dance.

Yes, his avie is just an empty shell now. Yes, there's no conversation that makes the dance special. But mfpwtff and I made our anniversary dance somewhat of a tradition. Even if he's no longer here, what's wrong with continuing a tradition to remember what we had and to honor his memory?

Yes, I'm sentimental.
Yes, I'm weird.
Yes, I miss him.

Shakespearean comedy, anyone?

I had two hours of sleep last night. And yesterday evening seemed to be the peak of my crazy weird month.

The dies of March (typo intended)

On the first week of March, one of my RL cousins passed away, probably because of his heart condition.

The last time I saw him and his twin brother was when they were preteens. I got married and moved away from California. My mom and I went to the memorial that Saturday and reconnected with many relatives.

In the memorial, his friends talked about him. Bulky men, intimidating in their size and demeanor, all with shameless tears and mournful cries to a lost friend. Through them, I had a glimpse of who my cousin was as an adult -- warm, kind, and generous with his time and friendship.

I saw many of them again the following Wednesday (after work) for the scattering of his ashes.

Two days later, I received a message in FB that one of my SL best friends passed away irl. That hit me stronger and it still hits me. This is the first time that anyone close to me in SL passed away irl, and I'm seeing the practical consequences of this.

The unravelling

I thought I could lay low and grieve privately. But, that day and in the days that followed, many things unravelled. Especially last night....

I have been very open about my SL relationships in this blog and in general. However, I've also tried to protect the privacy of the people with whom I have been involved. In this blog and in my book, I gave nicknames to important lovers and some casual lovers. Each nickname was significant and carefully chosen; it either indicated some characteristic of that lover, or it referred to some important event or an inside joke or a private term of endearment.

My predicament is in talking about something as significant as the real-life death of someone very important to me and its consequences in SL, while protecting the identity of the deceased and the secrets of the living.

This post was prompted by the unravelling of my own secrets in the wake of his death.

Twelve confessions

To be clear, I still won't mention names, either RL or SL, but those involved would recognize each other and maybe discover new characters they didn't know about. And I hope that these revelations would help heal their pain and clear the fog around a man who was important to each of us.

1.
That best friend who passed away was my first partner in SL. I referred to him as mfpwtff. I met him more than seven years ago through my sex alt. I created Alt#9 for him the following day, because I worried about him being seen with my sex alt by her random one-night stands. A short while later, he created a new alt just for me. Two fresh alts exclusive to each other: no baggage, no interruptions, complete privacy.

2.
After a few months, we broke up so he and his RL wife could work on their marriage. But we partnered those alts before we put them to sleep. Then I left him alone. Three years later, we woke up those alts for a dance on our third anniversary, then again on our sixth anniversary, and finally this year on our seventh anniversary. (Hmmm. Another seven-year coincidence for me.)

3.
While he and his wife were working on their marriage, he said that part of their reconciliation was that he had to confess his other affairs. And he told her about Opal (which got me worried), but he kept his promise to keep the private alts secret.

4.
His wife joined him in SL, but she eventually met someone else, so they divorced and she remarried. (Codename: RLex)

5.
He told me that he started a new relationship with someone he met in Facebook. (We connected in Facebook after he learned my RL identity.) And he wanted me to meet her (codename: FBgf) . This was a surprise to me, because it really was none of my business. It felt as though he wanted my blessing for that relationship. Either that or he worried that I'd be surprised to see his relationship status change in FB, but that wouldn't have bothered me either. Anyway, it felt like an honor that he wanted me to meet someone important to him, and I connected with her in Facebook when she reached out to me. So, then I had *the two of them* telling me about their relationship and their meetings. Funny.

6.
Last year, he told me about a new relationship in SL (codename: 2015partner). Again, he told her about me, and he invited me to their wedding reception. (Their SL wedding was just the two of them.) Again, it felt like he was asking for my blessing. So I went to the reception and took pictures as a wedding gift. The odd thing was, as I was saying goodnight at the end of the evening, he called out "Love you!" in public chat. I knew that he did, and I loved him too, but it wasn't something to shout out in public during the reception of your wedding to someone else! I figured he must had been drinking. Soon after, they broke up.

7.
I think it was during our sixth anniversary dance when he remembered something we said when we broke up. At that time, we imagined that maybe there'd be a second chance for us someday. He remembered that while he talked about how my book had triggered him to work on making himself a better man. But I had also changed, maybe for the worse. I had already decided that I couldn't be exclusive to anyone. Long-term commitments make me panic. The woman who had wistfully hoped for another chance with him had slowly faded away in the intervening years. I am a different person now. But we had a very strong and satisfying friendship, and he said he was glad that we could easily pick up where we left off, even if we didn't talk to each other for months.

8.
Last month, he postponed our seventh anniversary dance to the following day. And he had only about an hour. I learned that the reason was a new SL affair (codename: 2016blues). He said he met her at one of the blues clubs in SL. She lived only 2.5 hours away from him irl. He hadn't met her irl yet, but he said it's not likely that they'd meet before the end of this year, because he wanted to take it slow. Very slow. He was happy where he was (living near his daughter) and as he was (living alone with his freedom). But he gushed about her.


Now, the connections.

9.
FBgf was the one who told me that he passed away. She last spoke to him the Tuesday of that week at 11pm. He didn't respond to her messages the following day. She contacted his mom, but his mom was reluctant to call the police because it was possible that his computer just broke down (which happened before) and he just didn't have mobile access where he was. On Thursday, FBgf still hadn't heard from him, so she contacted the apartment manager to check.

While we talked on Facebook chat after she told me the news, I absentmindedly said that I was just talking to him two weeks prior. It was a very innocent remark, but it turned out to be very significant to her. She thought that he hadn't been going into SL anymore, and it made her suspicious (jealous?) that he would come into SL specifically to see me. *sigh* So, I had to explain the anniversary dances. He didn't tell her that he and I used to be lovers a long time ago. So, she asked probing questions to make sure that those dances were innocent and that he wasn't having an affair with me since he started his affair with her.

I thought, .... If she panics like that about an honest-to-goodness friendship, how on earth do I tell her about the last two romances that I know about? Is it even my responsibility? Do I keep his secrets even now that he's gone? Does it still matter?

10.
I figured I'd better notify 2016blues. I hadn't met her yet, even though he said he wanted me to meet her. Luckily, he gave me her full username. When I found her and told her the news, her first question was strange, but not so strange for SL.

2016blues: how did you receive that news, may i ask?
Opal Lei: A mutual friend in FB.
2016blues: his ex wife in rl already pretty much told me that, but I was waiting for confirmation

His ex-wife.... I was torn between asking for his ex-wife's SL name and keeping my distance. I still felt the guilt for intruding in their marriage, even though he said they were practically just roommates when I met him.... But more on that below.

11.
I was reluctant to contact 2015partner. I worried that his "Love you!" outburst might have contributed to their breakup, so she probably wouldn't want to hear from me. And, even though he didn't give me details, I got the impression that their relationship ended badly.

But it felt like a loose end, so I eventually contacted her. It took her a while to believe me, I think. I wondered if she thought I was being his accomplice in a scheme to hide and disappear. A sad commentary on trust and trustworthiness in virtual worlds, but that's the way it is.

From her, I learned there was another girlfriend, whom he didn't mention to me. So, she left her an offline message to give her the news. She only mentioned the other gf's first name and she didn't seem willing to give me her last name, so I left it at that.

12.
I mentioned in past blog posts that I have a tracker so I would know when lovers logged in, so I could log in to meet them, even if I was working on something outside SL. Sometimes, I kept them in the tracker after the relationship is over, just to know if they're ok, assuming that something is wrong if they hadn't logged in for a long time. Ironically, it was less intrusive that way, because an IM could stir up old pains.

When I learned of mfpwtff's passing, I wondered if it mattered having him in the tracker anymore. But I left him in it anyway.

Two or three days ago, I noticed that someone was logging into one of his more active accounts. I figured that someone had gotten into his computer and was contacting people in his friends list. FBgf mentioned that mfpwtff's son and his first wife were going through his apartment and sorting things out, so I figured it must be his son going through his computer.

Then, yesterday, I noticed that someone logged into the private alt that he created for me. When I noticed that he was also removed from a private group intended only for that private pair, I panicked. Not so much because our secret was discovered, but because whoever it was could delete that account or end the partnership.

So I left an offline message from Alt#9 to his private alt BF#2, hoping that it would be read by whoever was logging in:

Please, whoever you are, please leave this account alone. He created [BF#2] only for me, just as I created [Alt#9] only for him. If you are a member of his RL family, I ask for permission to take over his account. It is the only memory I have of him. You can take all the Linden $s out. You can take all the transferable inventory out. I just ask that everything else be preserved as is. Please.

The irony of it all

March 22 was a very long day for me.

I woke up around 3:30am because I had switched to a 5am-2pm schedule to avoid rush-hour traffic. A quick read of my email showed some IM messages from Wolfgang (details in my next post), which started my day with tears while getting ready for work.

Work was a blur.

I arrived home at 3pm and spoke with Wolfgang, until my sister and family (who are visiting from Oregon this week) arrived for dinner around 5pm. They left around 9pm.

After some inner wrestling, I decided to send the message above from Alt#9, then I logged off and got ready for bed. As I was climbing into bed around 10:30pm, I saw a response when I glanced at emails on my tablet. It was just a "hello" from BF#2's account.

So I quickly hopped out of bed, turned my computer back on, and logged Alt#9 back in. BF#2 was still logged in.

Alt#9: Are you here?
Alt#9: Hello?
BF#2: hi there - this is [name]
Alt#9: Hi, [name].
Alt#9: Your name is not familiar. How are you related to [mfpwtff's RL name]?
BF#2: I am his ex-wife

And, so, there she was....

The woman I had avoided for seven years out of guilt and whose wrath I feared. And she held the key to his private alt -- the single, most secret, most intimate, most cherished memory I have of him.

Alt#9: omg
Alt#9: I'm sure you hate me.
BF#2: I don't hate you - I don't hate him...
Alt#9: Thank you.
BF#2: it just made me a little more sad than I already was

"Do you have time for a long story?" she asked. It was 10:46pm.

First, she asked if I (as Alt#9) was also Opal. She wondered because BF#2 had only two friends -- Alt#9 and Opal. It turned out that she had even seen Opal's Flickr pictures.

Her daughter asked if she could have her dad's computer, but because their daughter is still a minor, RLex wanted to clean it out before handing it over. Also, she was warned about hackers who could log in and steal original content, so she was going through his accounts to delete his original works from his inventory.

She didn't know any of his passwords, but she was able to get in because the passwords were saved on the computer.

He had told her about Opal, but he never mentioned our private alts. So she was surprised to find BF#2 among his login accounts. She updated the profiles of his other accounts but she left this one alone, because she didn't know about this one, and it is the only account of his that is partnered.

What made her sad was that mfpwtff was supposed to have told her everything when they were working on their marriage but he didn't tell her about our private alts.

I asked if I could keep BF#2's account because those alts were "like mementos". She said "of course". She understood what they meant to me, and she promised to keep them secret. I was overwhelmed.

By the end of the conversation, Opal had befriended her, and we were talking about mermaids. After she logged BF#2 off, I tried the old password and it still worked. So I changed his password and the associated email address.

And both alts went back to sleep.

This eclipse [on March 23] could easily put the spotlight on a one-on-one relationship, such as on your partner in love, marriage, or business. A friend may have a role to play too, one that is integral to all that goes on. 
- Susan Miller on AstrologyZone.com

Post-mortem, literally

He wasn't perfect, I knew that from the start.

Secrets are eventually revealed. Death has an uncanny way of pushing them out.

We're all looking for love, for affection, for meaning, for anything that makes living worthwhile. And we can't really judge people for how they seek what they're looking for.

The truth really does set you free. Sooner or later.

You can love someone without wanting to live with them.

Expressing love can be exclusive, but feeling love is never exclusive. They can truly love you while loving someone else too.


tgyi, mfpwtff.

Kissing sleeping beauties

"This is like a time capsule," he said.  He was talking about his alt.  The one that partnered with my alt three years ago.

We decided to wake up those alts and go dancing to celebrate our anniversary.  "Why didn't we think of this before?" he asked.

I took time earlier today to update Alt #9 and his alt.  Thankfully, the skins we had still looked good, and an overhaul of the shapes made them look very different and pretty updated.  However, I got my alt a new gown (very cheap) and new hair from Truth (not so cheap).  I updated his alt's shape and got him a freebie hair from KMadd and freebie eyes from Amacci.  There was no point spending money on alts we were gonna use a few hours a year.

I hadn't even seen his main alt or any of his alts since last August.  We usually communicated by disembodied IMs or by email.  And even then, very rarely.  He is in another SL relationship and we are both very busy, so there was hardly any time to chat or even to get together.

But today was special.

He picked a jazz club and I met him there after relogging.  I was nervous.  I was giddy.  It was a strange feeling.

Since we partnered and put our alts to sleep, we hadn't really been with each other as those alts.  In our main alts, we were just very good friends.  Suddenly, there we were -- virtual husband and wife.  Since that was the only SL partnership I've ever done, it felt very very strange.

When we walked into the club, the hostess welcomed us and called us "Mr and Mrs" and his last name.  That, too, was strange.  Neither of us wore a group tag that indicated we were partnered.  Neither of us had a display name.  We had different last names.  So she must have looked into one of our profiles to discover that we were partnered.

Then we had our first dance as husband and wife, three years late.

A few hours later, we were on Skype, still dancing at the club.  Then we had our ... ahem ... (very brief) honeymoon, also three years late, while still dancing at the club.

Then we chatted a bit more before finally saying goodnight and we put those alts back to sleep.

Till next year.  Sweet dreams.

The secret to longevity

It was two years ago today.

The partnership is still there. I sent him an IM using Alt #9's email and wished him Happy Anniversary. He replied, "If I could, I'd do it all over again." :)

Well, since Alt #9 and her partner were actually put to sleep soon after that partnership took effect, you know that the title of this blog is really tongue-in-cheek.

It's like Romeo and Juliet. The only reason their secret marriage has lasted centuries is because they're ... ummm, ... dead. :D If they continued living another couple of decades, they'd be divorced already.

I *do* love him dearly, as I do every other lover who has truly touched my heart. But it's no longer a passionate crazy-making kind of love; it's a more tender cozy love between long-time intimate friends. Of course, we haven't tried to see if the passion is still there, because it doesn't really matter anymore. What we have now has withstood the test of time.

I wonder, however, how the Hitchhiker is doing. His account is gone, as is his alt that I knew about. I hope he eventually returned to SL in a new incarnation, and that he has found someone worthy of his affections.

Beauty is in the eye of ...

HiHo did a MODA Spotlight show this past Monday featuring RFyre. After the show, Mak commanded him (in the public voice channel) to meet her in the backroom later. LOL

Anyway, the models got gift cards from RFyre, with instructions to send transaction records to Harper Beresford. Well, HiHo handed his gift card over to Opal, since, well, he doesn't need any clothes. And Opal went shopping last night then sent the transaction records and the gift card back to Harper.

This morning, Harper sent HiHo the refund and an offline IM with a rhetorical question: "... and how come women make better male avatars?!?!?" LOL

Well, I have a theory. Or two. Or three.

Theory #1

When Alt #9 was taking the then-newly-born BF #2 around to look for hair, I commented, "You notice that when you see men shopping, there's usually a woman with them?" His response was "that's to keep the men from running out and blowing clothes money on a rod and reel ... or a shot gun ... or a pair of yosemite sam mud flaps for the truck ...." So, you can ask a guy where you can buy the best HUD for anything (especially sex HUDs) or the best TV screen and he'll give you a long list of vendors with pros and cons. But if you ask him where you can buy the best skin or shoes, he'll give you the one or two places where he got his, if you're lucky.

That's also why most male avatars look alike. They all went to the same store. (I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know there are so few good male skins out there. LOL)

Theory #2

There's this book about self-identity (but unfortunately, I can't remember the title and it's hidden somewhere in this pile of boxes in my living room) and it says that women generally think they're fatter than they really are and men think they're in better shape than they really are. So, men generally don't have issues about how they look. And they come into SL thinking they're pretty good-looking and so try to make their avatars look like their real selves. And, ummm, let's just say that it doesn't translate well to the medium.

Either that or they get some satisfaction in the fact that a drop-dead gorgeous woman (virtual though she may be) would be so willing to hop into the sack with someone who looks like him.

Meanwhile, women who make male avatars are trying to recreate their dream boat, so, yeah, he'll look better than your average guy.

Theory #3

I think men tend to drink a few beers before they tackle the unpleasant task of modifying their avatar. Capos Calderwood (aka Alex Whitmore irl) has a song that goes, "Beauty... it's in the eye of the beerholder... Tonight we'll drink until we look okay..." So they just keep drinking until their avatar looks okay.

*grins*


Now, keep in mind that this doesn't apply to ALL men; I'm just generalizing. Besides, tbh, I've actually seen quite a few really good ones out there, created by men without any help from a woman. Unfortunately, as Kit and I were lamenting just last night, most of them are gay.

*sighs*

On the other hand, some men know enough to ask a woman for help and so end up looking like a young Robert Redford.

*swoons*

The cricket's thumb

Sometimes, friends remember things I've said that have impacted their lives, even if I don't remember saying them. Sometimes, friends say things that have impacted *my* life, even if they didn't think anything of it. Oftentimes, it takes a while before the impact hits me.

Howard pinged me yesterday after reading my last blog entry. So, I figured I'd get his advice and the conversation got to why a man would hide his virtual affairs from his wife, even though he claims that she doesn't care about him anymore. Howard's response was essentially that the man still loves his wife and still wants to spend his life with her, and he doesn't want to jeopardize that, whether he is aware of it or not.

I had to let Howard go when Lover logged in. I wanted to know where we stood. I had separated Alt #9 from the rest of me and put her to sleep, so that I could be free to be with someone else. Now that there's only him again, the question becomes: Does Alt #9's partnership to his alt also means that Opal is partnered to his main as well? And when he cannot come into SL anymore, do we continue in email?

He said okay about continuing in email, just to appease me. I sensed a reluctance and that's not what I wanted. Certainly, there were logistics issues, but, if he really wanted me, those issues were very minor. He explained that he already lost me, that he "cried [his] ass off over [me]", that he didn't expect the Hitchhiker would release me, and that he's still stunned from that news.

I had a chat with Lora later in the evening, and she kinda confirmed what Howard said, even though I asked her a different question altogether. I think they're both right.

I had a sense that the Hitchhiker coming into my life provided Lover a good reason to make his exit. It eased his guilt for leaving. But when the Hitchhiker exited stage left before he could complete his own exit, he was stuck with me in his hands and now he doesn't know what to do with me.

To be honest, I feel like a hot potato.

Then, today, it hit me. The same words that the Hitchhiker said to me apply just as well with my lover. I need to step aside myself so that Lover could work on his marriage.

And, here, I thought the cricket had been unusually quiet the past three months. Little did I know that he was just waiting right outside the parking lot with his thumb out, hitching a ride.

tgyi, mfpwtff

Shakespearean tragedy, anyone?

These past few days have been overwhelmingly emotional and I'm exhausted. But I feel peace.


The Hitchhiker

On Saturday, I took out my sex alt after a long time. Well, technically, I took her out earlier to do some freebie hunt but gave up before finishing it. But this weekend, I was trawling. I met several men but none stuck, except one with a gentle face and with gentle words in his profile. I pinged him and we went to his home.

We chatted quite a bit and I was stunned that he was laying himself bare emotionally so fast. He was already thinking a year down the road, and we had only met. We spent all night together, chatting, having sex, then chatting some more. He was so sweet, so wonderful, so caring. My broken heart needed a home and he offered one. I figured it was worth a try.

Before midnight, I had made a commitment to be exclusive to him. By the morning, I had introduced him to Opal.

He read my last blog entry and said, "so you pulled out of the parking lot and there I was with my thumb out :)". :D


"I wish I knew"

On Sunday, I received an email from my last affair. He was apologizing for being harsh on me. He explained that he hasn't been dealing with RL well and he took it out on me and other people. And he asked forgiveness. I decided to wait until later in the evening before responding. I had too many things to get done and I was meeting up with the Hitchhiker again.

But, as I was saying goodnight to the Hitchhiker, my last affair sent IMs reiterating his email. I decided to wait until after my goodbyes before responding, but he said "bye" so I quickly responded and told him to wait. When the Hitchhiker logged off, I replied that I wasn't mad at him and that I never saw his behavior as taking anything out on me and we started talking.

It was 11pm SLT.

I told him that I had met someone new, and he said he was happy for me.

I told him how painful the past few weeks had been, especially since that day he rejected me. And that's when we realized we've made wrong assumptions.

He explained that, with all the stresses of his own RL and crises that friends were going through, he hit a point where he couldn't deal with it anymore and, in his words, he "imploded". The day he refused to see me, I assumed he never wanted to see me again. So I said "take care of yourself", which he took to mean *I* never wanted to see *him* again.

I said, "I wish I knew." He said, "me too ... i wish i knew".

I was going to transfer out some things from Alt #9's inventory that night, then I was going to put her to sleep. He said he decided to put his private alt (BF #2) to sleep with #9 too. So we logged into those alts one last time. I was already crying.

We talked about things that was good about our relationship, what we were grateful for. We reminisced about good times. We said things that we wanted to say but never did. Good things. Painful things. Emotional things. We laughed. We cried. We made promises to remain friends and stay in touch. And we kept repeating, "I wish I knew."

Knowing might have bought us only a few more chances to be together, but we regretted that misunderstanding anyway. He still would have to leave SL soon. But every chance to be together was so precious. "I wish I knew."

I saw him log in and out a few times, but he didn't try to contact me. I took that as confirmation of my assumptions, so I didn't try to contact him either. And he never bothered to read my blog so he didn't know how I really felt. "I wish I knew."

He said he had seen me log my sex alt in with an online indicator HUD a couple of days before. And he went to the same jazz club where we first met, hoping to "bump" into me. He didn't ping me because he was afraid I really didn't want to see him anymore. "I wish I knew."

We compared our situation with "Romeo and Juliet". They too had misunderstandings and they both ended up dead. "I wish I knew."

He said, who knows, maybe there would be a next time, so we hung our hopes on that "next time" as we hung on to each other.


An idea

I reminded him of his promise to meet up again on my alt's third rez day. He asked when that was so I opened up the profile window to check. At the same time, I decided to update her profile to reflect that she would be "sleeping". And he updated his alt's profile as well.

Then a bulb lit up.

If my alt was intended for him and his alt was intended only for me, and they were both going to be put to sleep anyway, why not partner them? It would only be symbolic because those alts would be inactive anyway, but what an awesome symbol it would be! He agreed without any hesitation.

I had never partnered before in any of my alts, because I consider partnering in SL to be equivalent to being engaged in real life. He promised himself he would never partner again. And, yet, there we were, getting partnered on the spur of the moment.

When I said I would have to search for a gown in my inventory, he said, "just get naked and keep the boots on." :D So, while he was drafting his proposal, I found a white pair of thigh-high boots in Opal's inventory and sent them over. I also used the Mer Betta Pasithea veils, pearls, and gloves. Thankfully, Lora logged in as I was frantically searching for a bouquet on SLX. She lent me a transferrable bouquet from her inventory.

He logged his main alt back in to be his best man. I logged Opal back in to be my maid-of-honor, but she didn't stay long because I was lagging badly.

I accepted his proposal at 8am, February 23, 2009.

After accepting his proposal, we kissed, took pictures, dismissed his best man (Opal was already gone), and cuddled and talked some more. I asked if he remembered my blog about "Heart Gravel"; he did. Then I said, he gets two -- one now, one later. And he said he'd hold me to that. :D

More cuddling, more pictures, more talk, more reminiscing. Until we were both too tired to keep our eyes open. Then our alts said goodnight and went to sleep.

It was 10:18am SLT.




Aftermath

However, the idea had its consequences, including breaking my word. After the MODA fashion show, I met with the Hitchhiker again as we had planned and I told him what had happened overnight. I asked for his forgiveness and gave him the choice to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it.

His response was very perceptive, very kind, very wise, and very gracious. His own words:

You have a strong tie with this man and you have history with him
your heart is in his hands not mine
I free you from our commitment so that you can bring this love you share to a proper and fitting conclusion
whether it be in parting or in finding a way
I must step aside
And I am going to do so

I know I broke his heart. How badly, I have no idea. But at this point, I could not love him as he deserves to be loved. For his wisdom and his graciousness, he has my gratitude and deep respect.


One more synchronicity

A lot of synchronistic coincidences marked most of the last three months. Not ordinary coincidences either and way too many to be attributed to chance.

Today, one more strange thing happened.

While we were getting ready for the practice run-through for the MODA fashion show, my cellphone rang and I ran off to pick it up. It was my mom. I told her I was busy all night and promised to call her back tomorrow. But wondering if it was some sort of emergency, I asked if she needed anything quick.

She replied, "Oh, nothing, I just had a dream about you last night in a wedding gown...."

It's not roleplay anymore

Day before yesterday, he called out my name... during sex.

Yesterday, he met Opal.

After he called out my name the other day, I figured it was time he met my "main". He said he almost declined meeting Opal. He wasn't sure if we were ready, then he added, "but it's just you with another name." :D

I guess it helped that Opal and Alt #9 look so much alike. Good thing Opal got jealous of Alt #9; it made this introduction easier for him.

But I think, to him, Opal is still a different entity. And that's good; that separation will keep my secrets safe. Besides, I think there's too much going on and too much history with Opal, that he'd get overwhelmed.

Alt #9 and BF #2 are still in their own little world. No other friends but our own alts and each other. Nice, quiet, and private.

But now, this whole affair is more "real". It's not roleplay anymore.

A "promise ring"

Alt #9: I got a message that you granted me permissions to modify your objects.
BF #2: yeah while i was at it i went ahead and gave them
Alt #9: What for?
BF #2: just because
BF #2: you may wanna mod something
Alt #9: Like...?
Alt #9: I can't modify anything attached to you. ;)
Alt #9: So i can't make your [private parts] bigger.
Alt #9: lol
BF #2: lol
BF #2: its like a promise ring
Alt #9: A promise ring?
BF #2: just deal with it and shup
Alt #9: LOL
BF #2: lol
Alt #9: But I can't return the favor.
BF #2: its ok
BF #2: i dont expect you to
BF #2: i just wanted you to have mine
BF #2: so shup
BF #2: ;)

Well, I can't really modify anything because the stuff he has at our love shack are owned by his other alt (BF #1). *giggles*

But... *sigh*... He gave me a "promise ring"... *sigh again*... How sweet is that?... *another sigh*

Opal: Holy shit!
Alt #9: What?!?
Opal: You realize that that promise ring is bordering commitment and you know how commitment-phobic we are.
Alt #9: But it's only for 30 days or so. That was the deal.
Opal: Yeah, but it's been 20 days already and you still say "30 days or so". When is it really gonna end?
Alt #9: I don't know! I kinda like it....
Opal: Girl, you are crazy!
Alt #9: Oh, yeah? Well, who's talking to her own alt?
Opal: Shut up!
Alt #9: YOU shut up!

MAD

I think I've talked in the past about how we bring so much of ourselves into SL, how our avatars represent more of our real psyches than we care to admit. Each of my alts are different aspects of my real self. They each have their own domain, their own purpose for existing.

But, a few days ago, I (as Opal) felt a faint sense of jealousy over Alt #9's skin, which prompted me to get the same skin for Opal, even though I already said I won't be buying new skin for Opal for a while. So that was a vague hint of separating. Of aspects of me pulling apart.

Then last night, I witnessed the same separation on someone else.

You see, Alt #9's bf (BF #1) created a new alt (BF #2). BF #2 is supposed to belong to my Alt #9 exclusively, so he wouldn't be disturbed by IMs and such, while he's with me. So, we were running around yesterday, shopping for skin and hair and other important parts. *grins* Anyway, (with my prodding, of course), he used the same shape and the same skin, except with a different beard and different hair, so they looked like twins, but not quite. The goatee on BF #2 made him look more like the "bad boy" type; that beard was his choice.

He had both alts logged in almost the whole time. And towards the end of the evening, I asked, "So, whom do I cuddle with tonight?" And BF #1 replied that he would, then he proceeded to shoo away BF #2, like a jealous boyfriend.

It was a funny and charming roleplay, but I was surprised that he seemed very decided that he chose BF #1 to stay, even though he created BF #2 specifically to be with me. I told him I was glad anyway, because I've grown attached to BF #1, even though I know they're both him. I said that it feels like there was more of him in BF #1; he agreed that there was.

You know, I'm surprised that the mental health professionals aren't coming down on SL in droves. SL isn't helping people integrate their personalities; it's allowing people to split up their personalities even more. :D

Hmmm, I wonder if I could sell a book titled, "Multiple Alt Disorder (MAD) - Split Personalities in Virtual Worlds"....

And, yes, Alt #10 will be named Sybil, and she'll definitely be a member of the "SLoony Bin Residents" group.

Alt envy

Well, I was dressing my new alt today (yes, the mystery alt with the love affair). And I was taking her pictures, and I realized,... Geez, she looks so much better than Opal! Of course, Opal got jealous, so I had to buy her a new skin today. :D

It's the same skin as the mystery alt. And since the shape is very similar and just tweaked slightly, they look almost like twins now.

It used to be that I'd use a different skin manufacturer for each alt, but certain looks just feel right, and this feels right for Opal right now.

I think it might also be psychological. I'm in that alt a lot nowadays so I associate with that alt more. Plus I'm having a lot of feel-good emotions there, so, in a sense, I'm pulling some of those good vibes into this side.

So, the triptych is gone from my profile now and replaced with this one:


I'll be changing my picture in all other web applications soon.

Meanwhile, the mystery alt is having quite a torrid love affair. Gamel said that "torrid" is an ugly word and suggested other adjectives like "passionate", "ardent", or "beautiful". I replied that "torrid" was the perfect adjective with the "rrrrrr" sound, because of all the sex going on. And he wished me a verrrrrrrrrrrry torrrrrrrrrrrrid affair. LOL

Nine virtual lives

Maybe I shouldn't admit to this, in case a Linden reads my blog. But, I just created my ninth alt.

Yes, she was created for a guy.

Yes, he's officially her boyfriend.

Yes, that means Opal and all her alts are essentially "committed" too.

Yes, he knows Opal exists but doesn't know her name.

No, I won't tell you the name of my new alt or my new lover.

But now you know why Opal won't be in much. Of course, you can always set up an appointment....

*grins*