Chaac for real

I quoted Chaac Amarula a lot in my book. He's very quotable. And conversations with him are never dull. Ever.

There was a time years ago when he would log in and chat with us before he started his day, and it amazed me how he could be so witty so early in the morning. Well, I'm a night owl; I can't imagine anyone being witty at all anytime before noon.

During one of our rare-these-days conversations months ago, he mentioned a convention he wanted to attend in San Francisco. He had the dates, but he wasn't sure if he could make it. But I added it to my calendar anyway. Then I forgot all about it.

Two days ago, I saw it on my calendar and pinged him. It turned out he was already coming and he was wondering where to sightsee on Sunday afternoon.

So I picked him up from the airport, took him to sushi for lunch (while waiting for the roads to open up after the SF marathon), drove him over the Golden Gate Bridge northwards and back, then we had a quick walk on Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39. I think the seals on the Pier 39 harbor were the highlight of the day for him. :D



Maybe because I've known him almost since I started in SL, or maybe because we've had so many thought-provoking philosophical conversations in SL, that it felt like I've known him forever. Except this time, I witnessed his sense of humor with his facial expressions and his gestures. And it's even funnier like that than with just text. :D

I've been lucky that these SL-to-RL meetings have been wonderful so far. There's a different quality in the RL meetings with people that I've known the longest. I don't know if it's because of the length of time I've known them, or if it's because of the type of people that were attracted to SL during the early years. I suspect it's a combination of both, but maybe more of the latter.

Sadly, these real life meetings are less likely to happen again. It's the circumstances and the costs. But then, that's what SL is really about, isn't it? To bridge the physical distance and to create the circumstances to meet without the prohibitive costs. The more SL people I meet in real life, the more grateful I am for SL.

The next time I'm going to have SL-to-RL meetings again is in late September to early October, when I go to the Netherlands. They're old friends too. Stay tuned! :D

Exporting people and places into RL

I went to Spain for two weeks and met two lovers, a Flickr friend, and an MBA classmate and his wife. I wouldn't go into detail about the trip itself, because I have a separate travel blog for that. But I will talk about the trip's relevance to SL.

First, the two lovers. They were my lovers in SL years ago. Then they became busy. One explicitly set boundaries that we are only friends in RL, but the evening I spent with him in real life was absolutely magical and he treated me like a close friend. The other had claimed me in both SL and RL, but we spent maybe only a couple of hours together; he was busy with work and family and I was busy with sightseeing. But those two hours are memorable even.

Maybe I've been lucky. That trip brings the number of SL lovers that I met in RL up to 4. Each of those lovers are just as I imagined them. Their personalities were the same in RL as in SL, although two of them held back romantic gestures because of their marital circumstances.

Or maybe it's because these lovers are among the most important to me throughout my life in SL; therefore, meeting them in real life only deepened the connection we have.

After saying goodbye to each of them after meeting them, I cried. Because these are men I love and I may never see them again.

Second, the Flickr friend. She was really more like an acquaintance. In fact, I had originally avoided her, because I had felt a jealousy for her because of another lover. But she started following me in Flickr and commenting on my images there. Then she found me in another social media and connected with me, revealing her RL identity.

When we met up in Barcelona, we spent the afternoon at a children's park, going on the rides and shooting photos and talking and talking and talking until it was very late. It was amazingly easy to talk to her. In the end, I admitted my old jealousy and the reason for it. It was something I would not wish to hide when building a friendship. But I regretted it a little when she started feeling sad and nostalgic as our conversation flowed into past loves and betrayals.

Third, the sights. Not all the sights but specifically La Rambla, the Columbus monument, and the Plaza Reial, which were replicated in the Barcelona del Oeste sim before it was renovated. And also the Mezquita mosque in the Al Andalus Generalife sim before it disappeared.

I knew that the plaza in the old Barcelona del Oeste was based on a real-life plaza. It was a special place for me because of all the memories I have in that plaza -- conversations and dances with lovers and friends. I wanted to find it in the RL Barcelona, but I didn't realize that there were a gazillion plazas all over Barcelona. And then, when the Captain led me to an alley to head back to my hotel, we passed through the Plaza Reial, and I realized that it was THE plaza. I was amazed and awed.

I walked the La Rambla a few times since my first day in Barcelona and I even took pictures of the Columbus monument, but it was a few days later when I realized that it was also part of the Barcelona del Oeste sim.

When I found out that the Mezquita is in Cordoba, which is near Seville, I made sure to go and visit it as well. When I first saw the replica in SL, it already made my heart beat faster. It was that awe-inspiring. When I first saw the real thing, my jaw literally dropped.

Of course, I learned that the replicas were not accurate. They were simplified versions of the real thing. Probably because of the prim allowances. The SL version of La Rambla was shorter, the monument was not exact, the plaza is a lot smaller, and the Mezquita replica was probably based on the way the real Mezquita was before the expansions and before the cathedral was built inside it.

So there. I've "exported" people and places from SL to my RL, and it was a wonderful experience. I've met SL people in RL before, but this is the first time I've encountered SL places in RL. The people and the places now have a deeper meaning to me and I have a stronger connection with them.

I'll not look at SL the same way again.

To be special

"i don't like to not be 'special' for someone i have sex [with]"

That was Wolfgang in his typical indirect double-negative way, talking about Alt#6 a while ago.

I always knew that each relationship is different, because the pairing is different, particularly in open relationships. Each partner is different, so the dynamic is different.

However, in a world of cookie-cutter parts, we all tend to look alike and move alike.  The differences are not in how our avatars look or move; the differences are in what we -- the puppeteers -- say and do.



Even with the admittedly large number of relationships I've had in SL, I've always tried to differentiate each lover. A different term of endearment, a different way of saying "I love you," a different "nest," a different shared activity. In that way, I make each one special, at least until the relationship ends.

One French lover used to say, "Bisou, bisou."  Another French lover says, "Je t'embrasse."  I called one Spanish lover "carinyo" and another "querido."  With one lover, I shared a NY skyloft. With another, a tree house on a floating island.  With another, an antique ship.  With yet another, an ornate pavilion inside a globe with an elephant in the room, which he, of course, ignored.  ;)

There are many ways to say "I love you" and there are many ways to express it wordlessly.  And there are many ways to make a relationship special and unique.  If you remember to differentiate.

During one serious argument with Wolfgang, I suggested that maybe we should just be friends, because I was afraid that we would violently argue one day and we'd lose contact entirely.  To my surprise, my suggestion angered him even more.  The reason was that he knows that I don't make an effort to maintain my friendships.  I pretty much leave encounters to chance or the other person's efforts, and I don't stay for long conversations.  (There's an unfortunate reason for that.)  On the other hand, I would willingly lose sleep for a lover and I do.

In my earlier years in SL, the only difference between a friend and a lover was that I had sex with a lover.  These days, there are many more differences, because, not only do I have to differentiate between a lover and friend, I also have to differentiate among my different lovers, past and present.  It is how I honor my relationship with each of them.  By keeping them unique in some way.  By keeping them special.

That, however, does not guarantee that I remain special to them.

Like Wolfgang, I don't like to not be special in a lover's life.  But, as he also often says, sometimes it is what it is.

The lost pilgrim

August had been significant in my Second Life.  This past August, I thought it was the disaster with 6969 that was the change in SL.  What I didn't realize was that there was something else as well.

The same day I met 6969, I met two pilgrims who followed me up a mountain and through a labyrinth.  The next day, both pilgrims contacted me separately at the same time and we had another quick but funny exchange with the blonde sending us pictures of him doing the belly dance.

With a trip and the affair with 6969, I didn't find reason to log in as Alt #11 for a long while.

Last Sunday, in between the Burn2 temple burns, I logged into Alt #11 since I was too wound up to nap.  Besides, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to wake up in time for the 3am burn.

I found the Irishman online and said hi, which was lucky for him because he was figuring out why he lost his legs after taking off his boots.  After we got that sorted out, we sat down at Kannonji for a chat.

He said that he and the blonde had gotten together and became lovers.  The blonde is polyamorous and has other lovers.  And it sounded as though the Irishman wanted to be one of my lovers as well.  "You were the person I most wanted to see again here at SL," he said.  So, he was going to ask the blonde if it was alright with him.

The blonde said no.

I don't know how the conversation went, but that was that.  I asked if the blonde would allow us to remain friends.  The Irishman said it was fine; in fact, he thought that the blonde was also "smitten" with me.  But I had the feeling that he was broken-hearted.  He was torn.  He adored the blonde; he said so repeatedly.  And he adored me.

It didn't matter to me.  From my perspective, we simply wouldn't have SLex. It would still be more than a casual friendship, so I'd make time for it.  He asked if I would ever spend time with both of them at the same time.  I told him that I don't really have time for casual get-togethers, but I would make time for climbing the mountain again.

That conversation happened yesterday.  This morning, I realized that, if I continued to see the Irishman alone, it would eventually undermine their relationship, so I left him an offline.  The blonde was online so I tried to contact him, but he wasn't responding and I had to go.

So I went through my day, then in the evening, I checked email and found messages from both of them.  The blonde said yes to meeting.  The Irishman said the blonde left him for his female lover, and he added that he was leaving SL and he said his goodbyes.

It upset me unexpectedly.  All I could think of was going back to the mountain, and I walked up it without stopping.  I was on a pilgrimage again.  At the entrance to the labyrinth, I cried.  I hardly know him, but I still felt deep sadness.  I walked the labyrinth.  It was a prayer for him to heal.  I sent him a message that I walked it for him.  Afterwards, I stood just outside the labyrinth and reminisced.

Not long after, he logged in and responded.  I tried to teleport him; he refused to come.  Thinking it was the memories associated with the mountain, I went to Kannonji.  He still refused to come.  But in the conversation, he happened to mention he was in Dublin because it was at least somewhat familiar.  I searched for the Dublin sim and teleported there.  Then I found him with the radar and teleported there.  He was sitting on the bridge, so I sat next to him.  And we talked.

I found out about the lies.  He and the blonde had been lovers long before SL, and the blonde had told him to pretend that they didn't know each other when we met.  He had told me about the D/s nature of their relationship.  Tonight, I learned about the abuse from his childhood.  I learned about his deep love for the blonde, about the last time the blonde left him, about his attempted suicide, about his hopeless dreams for a future with him.  I was crying the whole time.

He said he was leaving "this world."  I made him promise not to take his life, and he promised.  In the end, he promised to send me a message that he was okay.  He wasn't going to take anything electronic with him, but I suggested that he send a postcard to his friend in the UK and ask her to send me an email.  He agreed.

Then he left.  On a new pilgrimage perhaps.  To heal.

Pruning the tree

In all my Second Life, I have not deleted a friend. Well, okay, I deleted one jerk. But in more than three years, I made it a policy to never delete a friend from my list. Until today.

I started out with almost 300 people in my friends list. And that probably would have been many more if it weren't for other people deleting me from their own lists, or for people canceling their accounts.

But, lately, I've been betrayed, I've been lied to, I've been taken advantage of. With friends like that, who needs enemies? So, today, I'm cleaning up my list. Granted, those are in a very small minority, but there are so many in my list that I've only spoken with once two years ago, and more than half don't even log in anymore. So I'll be clearing those out too.

The only ones that will stay in my friends list are those I have a strong connection with and who have a positive impact in my life, as well as business connections. If I have a doubt whether to leave someone in or let them go, I'll leave them in for now.

I am also going to start a policy of not accepting friendships until I've encountered the person at least twice. If people need to keep track of me, I'll give them my card.

If you're one of the people trimmed off, you can still find me through search. But if you feel bad about it, I'm afraid I can't take responsibility for that. I'm responsible for taking you off the list, but you're responsible for how you feel about it.

They say that, if you want big sweet and juicy fruits, you prune the tree. I'm pruning this tree.

In hiatus

I will be hiding out for a while.

I'll still take care of customers, and I'll still log in to work.

But after today, I will be out of the social scene. Any attempts to start a social conversation will be ignored. I need this for my sanity.

Please don't be the one to drive me to kill myself, literally, because you won't leave me alone. Whatever you need -- a shoulder to cry on, wit to make you laugh, an ear to bend, a hand to help, *someone* to help, assurances for your own insecurities, a hug, attention, Linden dollars, voluntary work, whatever -- please ask someone else.

My cup is empty.

Remembering Headman

I remember a man who listened to his intuition and logged back in during the wee hours of a November morning, right when I badly needed a friend. And he stayed up with me sitting by his fire on the roof of his house until sunrise, listening to me and keeping me company as I sorted out my feelings.

He was the same friend who introduced me to the Blue Note, who noticed every detail about my gowns, who lifted me up effortlessly in a ballroom dance, and who sang along with the songs with me. A sweet man, a wonderful friend.

I missed him today.

So I go in-world in the wee hours of the morning and sit by his fire on the roof of his house. He has seats now so I don't have to sit in the fire. The Christmas tree and the poinsettia plant are gone. And the Christmas music isn't streaming in anymore. It has been too long since I last saw him, and this house is all that remains of him in-world.

Today, I become acutely aware how fragile everything is in SL. People come into our Second Life, touch our souls, and then be lost to real life. Eventually, even this structure that he built would be gone too, with nary a pixel left to indicate that it was ever here.

Sometimes we don't realize how we affect people's lives and how they affect ours. It's only when we see it happening again that we are reminded of the past. In this case, the sentimentality is triggered by a sinking feeling yesterday morning that I'm about to lose another friend to real life.

Yes, I am deeply grateful for the time I had with all those wonderful people and for the time I continue to have with other wonderful people. But I do miss the ones who are gone.

As Headman himself once said, "I think we miss the connection we feel with someone."

Every time we say goodbye, I die a little.
Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little.
Why the gods above me, who must be in the know,
Think so little of me. They allow you to go.*

* Written by Cole Porter

How many people can you fit in ...?

Okay, so my gazebo is not a telephone booth. But last night, there were as many as eight of us sitting in it at the same time. People came and went and the conversation flowed all night.

It started with Xiana (people in gazebo: 1) who IM'd me asking what I was doing. I was looking for something to wear and she was sitting alone at the gazebo, so I went to join her (2). Then a man in armor joined us (3); his tag said Jasoon but he claims his name is Jang.

Meanwhile, I got an IM from Emi, so I invited her over. Emi said she'll come after meeting a friend. I also got a ping from Jimmie who had questions about land, and tp'd him over (4). I checked up on Lora and she was with a friend as well, but she came over afterwards (5). Xiana invited Xan over (6). Then Jang/Jasoon left (5), but soon Emi arrived (6). Then Magika IM'd me so I invited him over too (7).

Then I saw a dot in the neighboring lot for a long time. Tilly had been watching us for a few minutes, so I shouted out an invitation to join us (8) and it turns out that Tilly had met Lora a long time ago. But Jimmie had to go (7). Then Emi invited her friend Angelyca (8). Then Magika got called into work (7). Someone named Otto showed up next to the glass house, said hi, and then promptly disappeared. Then Xiana, Xan, Angelyca, and Tilly had to go to bed (3); it was 10pm SLT. An hour later, Emi went to bed (2), and a half hour later, I sent Lora to bed (1).

Before I even decided what to do next, Andre IM'd me and I chatted with him at his place for an hour (0). Then I went back to my home and did some tweaking around the place. Three hours later, I was back at the gazebo (1) working on the pond when Tasman, a Snoopy-headed biker dude, hovered near, so I said hi and chatted with him (2). Meanwhile, Rokke IM'd me and asked if he could show me a dress he was working on, so I tp'd him over (3). After Tas and I commented on the dress, Rokke had to go to pick up his daughter from school (2).

Then, Angelyca logged in at the gazebo and she chatted with us and laughed at Tas's antics while she had a breakfast of milk and bread (3) before going to school (2). At 6am, Tas had to go to deliver a bike for his nephew's birthday (1) and I went back to my tweaking. But a half hour later, I got an IM from Squeak who needed to talk, so I tp'd him to the gazebo (2) and we talked for about an hour until he had to catch his bus (1). Soon after he left, Emi logged in at the gazebo (2). Emi was about to send me to bed, but, again, I noticed someone in the neighboring lot watching us, so I shouted an invitation to come down. His name is Herman. and he joined the conversation (3). An hour later, Herman said goodbye, and Emi and I headed off to the baby clinic (0), because she had questions about the baby HUD and I was curious about the whole SL pregnancy thing.

At 9:30am SLT, I finally logged off. Twelve and a half hours after I logged in.

I think this is the most number of people I've talked to in one night -- nine old friends and five new ones. It's certainly the most number of people I've had in the gazebo at the same time.

The funny thing is that, when Xiana pinged me when I logged in, the first thing I asked her was "Where's the party?" :-)

Keep the friendship

I met a pirate who once said, "My theory is that there is no such thing as being a real [platonic] friend between a man and a woman. ... Because the only reason a man would want to go out with a woman is because he has a certain attraction."

I flat out told him he's wrong. In real life, I've met a large percentage of my friends at work, and I work in a male-dominated industry. So, most of my RL friends are male. With a few of them, yes, there was that initial attraction. But, when you know a relationship is not going to work out for one reason or another, you keep the friendship. And the attraction turns into platonic affection that holds the friendship together, enhances it, and deepens it.

The same goes in SL. The potential for intense friendship is here, even between a man and a woman. And I have been very fortunate this past month to have discovered more of those friendships. Men, whom I cannot take on as lovers because of their RL relationships or their SL partnerships, are coming into my life to take their place in my circle of friends. And these are not casual friendships either. These are caring and affectionate relationships that are as tender and as deep as those with my female friends.

So what's the difference between my romantic relationships and my platonic relationships with men? If I'm lucky, not much. One of them involves sex; the other doesn't. That's it, ideally. With both types of relationships, we still hang out, chat, dance, hug.

In fact, platonic friendships may even have an advantage. As the sage Jaime Mandelbrot puts it, "I think I'm getting a little bit more [as a friend]. ... We do without the pleasure and sidestep the pain, leaving us free to soar in other areas."

I agree. Because we don't waste time mucking with sex balls, we have more time to explore each other's souls.