La Belle et la Bête

A couple of years ago, Yes Man bought a minotaur avie to wear for me, because I had seen a minotaur copulating with a human slave and the scene was surprisingly very erotic.

Wolfgang knew about that minotaur.

We had been talking on and off about what to do with Alt#27 and Wolfgang#6. He felt that we were stagnating there, because we were walking a fine line. We weren't entirely into BDSM and we weren't entirely out of it either. There wasn't much room to move. I would have been fine keeping them as they were, even if they were stagnant, but he figured that, unless they grew, they would eventually disappear.

One day, I mentioned that I missed Wolfgang#2, who was the first of his alts that I met. I missed the connection we had and I wanted to go back to the old roleplay to relive it again. He refused because parts of BDSM hurt me, even if I assured him we would be fine, because we've developed more amiable and more tender connections with each other through our other alt pairs. He still refused.

He didn't want to go back to the past. He preferred to move forward. And, among other ideas, we revisited the beast, which would be a very erotic roleplay. I wasn't sure it was the right idea though. He once refused to wear a hamster avie even if it was just for fun. He reasoned he's not a hamster, and I argued he wasn't female either but he has female avies. I didn't want him to do it reluctantly, so I didn't mention it again, although we explored the Marketplace to see our options. Although he later insisted he already agreed to it, I wasn't so sure.

Deciding what to do next with those alts was a very frustrating argument that took several days, and we both got very frustrated and irritated and angry whenever we talked about it. Even when we were in our other more tender alts. And that's when we finally admitted to ourselves that how we felt in one alt pair would affect other alt pairs.

One evening, he mentioned that he  transferred some L$ to Wolfgang#6 for the beast avie. He wanted me to choose, even the color. And I was surprised. To him, his avies were representations of the real-life him. And yet, here he was, allowing me to define who he would be. He wanted to please me. He wanted me to be happy. And I was overwhelmed.

Maybe he's reciprocating, because he saw how I allowed Alt#6 to split into four characters for him: a cat, a furry, a neko, and the original human and he saw how those alternative avies added very interesting complexities to our interactions. Whatever his reasons, the beast was a wonderful gift.

Then he came up with a wonderful premise for a background story. A curse that turned him into a beast. A love that was torn apart because of it. Souls reincarnating through time and lovers finding each other again in their new incarnations and the curse being invoked again. The story is very promising but still has holes that we'll resolve as we go along. And it was still a form of D/s, but more "excusable" because of the wild nature of the beast.

The other day, we made love with him as the beast for the first time. It was very potent. He could simply take me. And being taken like that (of course, with implicit permission and our safe word) was very arousing.

As we were reflecting on it, I realized that this wasn't like the minotaur at all. The minotaur was a sex object that Yes Man wore, only when we decided to do that sexual scenario. On the other hand, the beast is an ongoing roleplay, and it already has a background story, so it has the beginnings of a "soul."  Wolfgang thinks that makes a big difference, and I agree.

It seems so "natural." After all, he has been calling me his "beauty" for a long while now.

"... Barely even friends,... then somebody bends... unexpectedly...."

The power of little things

Last Friday, I met with Wolfgang briefly for a hug.  I decided to end the timeout after a week.  I still had no resolution, but I knew that I couldn't solve it alone.


Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it.  It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse.  We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week.  I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again.  I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one.  He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.

He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing.  I thought he'd be back in about an hour.  So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on.  While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed.  If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.

A lot of things went through my head.  Was there really no solution to this?  He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.

It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile.  And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal.  But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant.  And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.

When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were.  (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.)  His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.

So, we continued our conversation.  Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex.  I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex.  As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl.  I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past.  After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning.  I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not."  So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things.  But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.


It's all symbols

We again discussed the issue of him claiming me.  When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his.  And we talked about what indicates a claim.

The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with.  Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me.  Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.

To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession.  But I didn't quite understand why.

I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people.  Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time.  It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific.  The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word.  It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.

However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic.  He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd.  And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either.  It was just something different to try for fun.  So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.

I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols.  After all, we were both very independent people.  Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined?  And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.

I realized that even his alt is a symbol.  In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols.  (That's another book idea right there.)  Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.


Adding the "h"

He asked what we should do.  I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea.  He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM.  Then he joked...

[2012/07/23 05:12:42]

Wolfgang#3: ((and you look damn sexy leashed ;) ))

Alt#27: Then leash me!

Wolfgang#3: lol
Wolfgang#3: but you don't like that !

Alt#27: Will you fuck me if you leash me?

Wolfgang#3: leash is not necessary to fuck by luck lol

Alt#27: okay, here's what I'm saying....
Alt#27: If you make love to me each time you leash me, I will associate the leash with pleasure.
Alt#27: Then the meaning of that symbol changes.
Alt#27: For me.
Alt#27: And it's a very concrete signal that means "yes, today, we can fuck."

Wolfgang#3: leash claim you, it is not a message of fuck lol

But the idea of a symbol gaining a different meaning for me made him more open to trying it again, in case there's a possibility that I would associate the collar and leash with the concept of him claiming me, which I like, as opposed to associating them with oppression, which I don't like.

He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do."  I was surprised.  And awed.  He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.

When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too.  He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us."  And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.

We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again.  Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.

Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us.  And he noticed it too.


The power of little things

I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash.  But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning.  Like we need darkness to define light.

The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay.  It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only.  It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me.  Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding.  Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him.  Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.

So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce.  As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.

[2012/07/23 06:36:15]

Wolfgang#3: that s funny how much 2 little things can make you so more desirable

Alt#27: The leash and the collar?

Wolfgang#3: yes

Alt#27: It's funny that the same two things make me feel closer to you.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: that is more understandable for me as it link us materially

Alt#27: For me, it's because of that night.

Wolfgang#3: the link was cut, and it appears again, symbol of it
Wolfgang#3: so it leads us to feel closer

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: Because of a meaning that we previously attached to it.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: power of little things

Rewinding

I was browsing back through old emails and chat logs, searching for clues where we got off-track, when we started arguing, when I started being unhappy.

Then I found the last email with our private roleplay.  He had sent the last response to that roleplay on May 6, but I didn't continue with the RP because the book had just been released so I had to focus on that.  And, besides, the RP was making me nervous.  It was coming up to a certain climax.

Then I had an idea.

This morning, before I went to bed, I replied to that email and continued the RP.  When I woke up this afternoon, he still hadn't replied.  He's probably still angry.

I think he'll argue against continuing the RP.  For one, we already gave up the D/s relationship and, in that RP, we are dom and sub.  Continuing that RP means we would go back to that kind of relationship.  And we left it because it wasn't comfortable for me.  And he refuses to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.

But, in a sense, rewinding back to that time and to that relationship would give us breathing room until we figure out a more permanent solution.  And there are benefits to it.

1. Doing an RP is better than not communicating at all.  At least we stay in touch.

2. Roleplaying opens up a way to express emotions indirectly and in a less threatening environment.  Our RP characters become another mask.  And, often, masks make it easier for us to express our inner selves.

3. A sub doesn't argue.  A sub can recommend, but the final decision belongs to the dom.  There won't be any power struggles.  At least, not during the RP.

4. When we switched from a D/s relationship to a normal relationship, he said that he felt as though he lost something.  He claims that without the D/s relationship, he becomes just another of my lovers.  By rewinding, I give him back what he thinks he lost.

Sure, I can try to change him instead.  But I've learned that you really can't change anybody, except yourself.

Sure, I can just walk away.  I can handle my own heartaches; I've had so many of them.  But if my leaving gives him pain, I cannot go.  His happiness is important to me.

So, I guess, on more than one level, I am surrendering to him ... again.

"i m not your other lovers"

[2012/07/12 04:57:33]

Alt#27: You know, you're still my Dom.

Wolfgang#3: i didn't delete myself from your collar or i couldn't undress you

Alt#27: It's more than that.
Alt#27: It's just what we are.
Alt#27: I think there will always be a bit of D/s in this.
Alt#27: Because of who you are.

Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: because i'm dom inside?

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: You like to have control.

Wolfgang#3: hum i don't think it is that much simple

Alt#27: Maybe not.

 I still wear the collar although it is invisible now.  It was mostly so he could undress me and tp me, which I like.  He refuses to lock it himself and I kept inadvertently detaching it when I wear something that goes on the same attachment point.  So, I finally locked it myself.

But, last night, I decided to shop for new hair and to try blonde this time.  Alt#27 was originally a redhead.  A couple of weeks ago, I bought a dark hair just to test it with the new skin.  Last night, I switched to blonde.  I have Opal and another alt as redheads.  I have several brunettes.  But I only have one blonde, so Alt#27 becomes my second blonde.

Anyway, I was trying some demos when he logged in.  And I asked his opinion on the styles.  He didn't like short hair because it made me look too young.  He didn't like the bangs because it made my face too round.  I wanted to find mesh hair that looks good on me.  The good thing about rigged mesh hair is that the strands stay in front of your breasts even as you turn your head. The bad thing about rigged mesh hair is that you have to adjust your shape if your skull shows through the top, if you happen to have a longer head or a longer neck than the designer's model.

And he preferred the flexy hair anyway because he said the hairs would "dance during i fuck you strong".  (Hair designers, are you listening?  We still want dancing flexy add-ons for those mesh hairs please.)

Then somewhere during that conversation, he remarked that it looks like I've already decided, as though I really didn't want his opinion.  But I did want his opinion.  However, in the end, it was still my decision, while taking his wishes into consideration.  But because he noticed that I had decided, it felt as though he expected it to be his decision alone, simply because I asked for his opinion.

[2012/07/12 05:04:51]

Wolfgang#3: you don't feel free?
Wolfgang#3: that i don"'t let you space enough?

Alt#27: It's not a yes/no question.
Alt#27: It's a range.
Alt#27: I feel freer now than when we were officially D/s.
Alt#27: But, sometimes, I still feel that you're still asserting your domination.

Wolfgang#3: asserting?
Wolfgang#3: like how?

Alt#27: pushing
Alt#27: It's just a feeling.
Alt#27: Like when I decide on hair and you notice that I already decided.

Wolfgang#3: yes, it is just a notice

Alt#27: The fact that you noticed it means that it's not the usual way.

Wolfgang#3: ah yes

Alt#27: It's a change from the usual way.

A few days ago, I asked him to ask someone to send me a message somehow if he is incapacited or worse that he couldn't send me a message himself.  I have asked the same from many lovers, including Impy.

Wolfgang, however, flatly refused.  He promised that he would never simply disappear on me.  Even as I explained that many of my lovers did, he insisted that he is not like my other lovers.  He added that, if he passed on, his RL family would know and his RL friends would know, but none of his SL friends would.  It was the most hurtful thing he had ever said to me.  It felt like I didn't matter, because I'm just an SL friend.

I respect the fact that it's his life and it's his decision.  But it was very painful.

He probably sensed my pain because I was quiet for a while and then I changed the topic after, because he continued to try to explain his reasons.  I just nodded and withdrew my request.  There was no point arguing about it.


These days I sense a deep sadness from him.  Maybe these arguments are affecting him too, even if he doesn't let on.  The fact that he continues to log in when we're supposed to meet is very telling.  And he logs in with the alt that he created for me.  Once, he said that it was proof that he wanted to see me specifically, not just to be in SL to meet any friend.

I am INTJ.  They say INTJs move on if the relationship doesn't seem viable.  I had thought of moving on, many times.  But moving on never felt right.

There's a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  Maybe I just need to learn his language.

Within parentheses

Both Wolfgang and The Impossible are more active in SL than most of my previous lovers. I see them very often in a week. In the past, that worked for me because I usually had only one very active lover. With two very involved and very active relationships that are developing quickly and differently, I’m kinda reeling.


Wolfgang and Alt #27's relationship was shook up this week. The tiff started a few days ago, involving two of his other lovers. He had placed Alt #27's name on his profile as doms do for their subs. And I had placed his name on my profile. In all his years in SL, he had never put anybody's name on his profile, but there was a practical reason to it this time. It was required by the place where we went to, in order to communicate to other doms that Alt #27 was exclusive to him.

But having her name on his profile made his other lovers insecure, because he didn't put their names on his profile and I don't know why he chose not to. To his other lovers, it was as though he preferred me over them.

The problem was that, if I claimed in my own profile that I was sexually exclusive to him, who would believe it if his profile doesn't confirm what I said in mine? Under normal circumstances, it was benign enough. But in the world of BDSM, who knows?

That was just the start.

As a compromise, I asked him to create an alt that's exclusive to me. I told him I didn't care if the alt looked like a newbie. I just wanted us to be able to put each other's names in our profiles again, and I explained the significance of that gesture. He argued against it. He couldn't understand the reason for putting a "label" on our profiles. And he doesn't think that he'd be able to project to a new alt that wasn't "him."

He didn’t understand why I was disproportionately upset about the issue. But, actually, something else happened two nights prior that we hadn’t had a chance to iron out. I discovered that he had logged in his alt while we were having sex, which – to me – meant that he wasn’t “with me” during a very intimate moment. And the fact that I didn’t have his full attention made me feel really crummy, as though my sexual needs are just another chore for him. That was what my sex alt was for. In an emotional relationship, that hurts.

Then the issue about the tracker came up. He had forgotten that he said it was okay for me to track when he logged in. So he lost trust in me. I had to copy and paste the conversation we had where he agreed.

I was in too much pain. One issue after another piling up. Each one felt as though he was pushing me away.

I removed him from the tracker and told him I did. I figured that if he didn't trust me anymore, we couldn't be lovers anymore. Nor friends for that matter. And if we weren't lovers anymore, there was no point keeping track of him. I was getting ready to shut down Alt #27. I told him I'd end our ongoing RP later in the day; I didn't want loose ends.

But he asked why I was always rushing things by myself without stopping to discuss with him. I replied, “Because it hurts too much and I want it to stop hurting.”

Two hours later, he sent another email – calmer, more understanding. He reiterated that there wouldn’t have been pain if we took the time to talk. I tried to talk but he wasn’t available, and things got worse before he had time to talk. But I promised I wouldn’t do anything more until we did. He echoed it, in agreement.

It was more than a full day before I replied to his email. And we explained our views about the things that happened.

He said that he didn't know there was such a tracking tool and he misunderstood when he agreed to let me track when he logs in. He explained that his alt was Away the entire time and he assumed that I would have known that. I said I didn’t. Yes, there is a way to determine whether the person is Away or Busy, but I didn’t care what he did so I didn’t track that. I only cared whether there was a chance he would have time to spend with me. If he was logged out, there was no chance, and I could leave the computer and do other things; if he was logged in, there’s a chance, so I would stay online. Even though my alt was exclusive to him, his alt was not exclusive to me and I knew he had other lovers. What reason do I have to spy? Even after I had explained, he still felt bad about it, but he said it was his own problem to deal with.

We talked about the issues, the pros and cons of solutions. He explained that he didn’t say no to creating an alt, but he had to think about it because he had different views about alts than I did. When we met early this morning, he agreed to try it and we’ll see how it works.

Then, he did something surprising. A few minutes before he had to go, he tp’d us back to where we were the last time we saw each other. He said it was like enclosing our fight within parentheses. It was surprising, because it was a very sentimental gesture. This, coming from a man who says he’s known to be emotionally “cold.”

But I did something that surprised him as well. When he arrived today, I knelt down, because it was what a sub did to greet her dom, as he had taught me. He said he didn’t think I would kneel. I was ready to leave the relationship, it was an OOC conversation, and (as I kept telling him) I am much too independent to be a sub OOC. But, he thinks that the BDSM is an important part of our relationship (even though I vehemently disagree), so I knelt. Because, if I didn’t kneel, I would have closed the door to a reconciliation. He smiled and called it “strategic kneeling.”


Usually, a big fight like that would be the end of the relationship. This is one of the most difficult – if not THE most difficult – relationship I have ever had in SL. We are VERY different. I had told him once that I had thought of leaving a few times, because we are incompatible and we argue all the time. After all, I’m INTJ and INTJs don’t stick around in relationships that won’t work, even if the separation would be painful for a while. We’re pragmatic that way.

But it’s been more than two months now. And the relationship feels like it has sticking power. Funny that.

Frog anxiety

There's a well-known metaphor about a frog that goes like this: If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out right away.  But if you put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water, and then set the pot on the stove, the frog will boil to death.



My experiment in BDSM isn't going well.  I've lost my objectivity.  Not that I've been objective about it when I started anyway, because of my unflattering preconceptions of doms.  But with emotions mixed in, this whole experiment became mixed up.  I can't even analyze what's what and where things are coming from and why certain emotions are coming up and whether they're BDSM emotions or something else.  It's all a big mess.

Wolfgang has been very gentle with me.  Too gentle.  And sometimes, I regret that I tell him about my worries and anxieties about the whole BDSM RP that we are doing.  It made him nervous.

I think he himself noticed it when he said that I had become "soft."  Initially, I thought that he meant I had become more tender, more loving in the RP.  Maybe he meant something else.  Maybe he meant I've become more fragile.

We were transitioning into a different type of RP, but I felt that we had to give the old one some closure.  Even he said, when I initially expressed my concern about this RP, that it was like throwing a book away before finishing it.  Then later, it was I who insisted on finishing the RP, even though it is uncomfortable for me.

So, last night, we started a scene in our RP that's part of the transition to the new one. It was a female-to-female scene and he was using one of his female alts.  Then in the middle of the scene, he asked OOC if I was enjoying the RP.  Damn.  Why did he have to ask?

I told him that it feels a little awkward, and I jokingly added that I'd survive.  He didn't understand what I meant by "awkward" and he asked me to explain.  I said that the scene was for him and that I don't have to enjoy it.  (He had mentioned once that he enjoys watching female-to-female seduction.)

I said, "I've never had sex with a woman irl, so I don't have the experience to draw from.  And I don't have the inclination to, so it doesn't arouse me."  There was a long pause before he responded, so I kept babbling.  I had a feeling he would protest. He always insisted that he wouldn't do anything unless we were both getting pleasure out of it.

He said that he thought I had some female-to-female experience in SL in the past, and he figured that I might enjoy it, if the other female was more agreeable.  I had told him about a foursome experience I had with a lover and two of his female lovers, one of whom was a dom who hated me, probably because that lover preferred to be with me.

I explained to Wolfgang that that experience was when I was very new in SL.  At that time, I didn't know how to RP and all I did was simply sit on a poseball and my lover did everything else.  I was able to dissociate.

But Wolfgang refuses to do anything where I have to dissociate from my avatar.  He says it makes him feel lonely to be the only one gaining pleasure from it.

He told me a story of one of his affairs where his partner pretended to enjoy the female-to-female interactions and even encouraged it.  When he found out that she didn't enjoy it at all, it sullied his enjoyment of it and he stopped seeing her.  I told him it was the lie that soured the relationship, not the fact that he was the only one who enjoyed it.  But he disagreed.

He started wrapping up the RP scene, skipping what he had originally planned.

I asked, "Why can't you accept a gift?"


But he is stubborn and so am I.


I worry that without the BDSM, he would be bored and move on.  He worries that without BDSM, our relationship wouldn't be special anymore and he would be just another lover in my life.  It didn't comfort him when I explained that each of my relationships is special.  There is always something that sets each one apart from the others.  And when I miss a lover, I miss that specific lover.


At the same time, the more I think about BDSM, the more I hate the concept.  And, yes, I understand that "hate" is a strong word.  And, yes, I understand that the intensity of my reaction to it is probably a reflection of my own psyche fighting my shadow side.  (That last sentence is for you psychologists out there.)  And that's probably another reason I'm delving into this.  To face my demons and learn to accept my shadow side.

I don't know where this would go.  I don't know what would happen when we get on the other side.  His caring, his concern for my emotional well-being and my enjoyment, his empathy all touch me and awe me.

But I worry that that same gentleness, in the context of BDSM, might be even more dangerous, like the lukewarm water that slowly heats up.  I wouldn't know when to jump out, and then it'll be too late.

Rib-bit.

The real gift

2012/04/02

Alt #27: Did it give it to you?

Wolfgang: i had a message to accept

Alt #27: kk
Alt #27: Did you accept?

Wolfgang: yes
Wolfgang: it is a bracelet and necklace

Alt #27: Yes.

Wolfgang: with some word written
Wolfgang: :)

Alt #27: /me smiles.
Alt #27: But that's not the real gift.

Opal Lei: I am the real gift.

[a minute's pause]

Wolfgang: You look very beautiful "my real gift" :)

At the bottom of my last post, I said that I'd introduce him to Opal after a week. So I created a custom set of the Ms.O.Lei-ny "Etched in Stone" jewelry set to give to him when that time came.  On it, I "engraved" the title I gave him, but that title had become more a term of endearment.  I put the set in a dispenser that would give out the contents when touched by Alt #27, and I set that dispenser down in my store.

We were only supposed to meet for a short time that night because I had a doctor's appointment early the next day.  If I went to bed at 4am, I would have four hours of sleep.  He was trying to assure me that we would have other times to spend together, so it was alright if I left early to get some sleep.  And he also mentioned that he would be away from SL for a week or so, so he gave me his email address so we could communicate by email.

I didn't have an email address for Alt #27.  I never thought I'd need one for her, so I offered him the email address for Alt #6 (the first sex alt).  He said he would like to see that avie, so I logged her in and he liked her.  He noticed that she is short like Alt #27, and he wondered if I was short irl too, so we converted feet to meters and meters to feet.

Then he asked whether I used voice with Alt #6.  And webcam.  And how it went. I said that I think that webcam would ruin the fantasy because I'm not pretty.  He asked me bluntly how I defined "pretty."  He already knew how old I am.  And, early on, he guessed that I had weight problems, which he intuited based on my behavior.  I asked him if that ruined the fantasy for him.  He simply said, "No, it didn't."

That made up my mind.  So I took him to the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, clicked on the gift dispenser, and logged Opal in.

After he met Opal, I sent him to my home in Aglia while I logged both Opal and Alt #27 off and logged in Alt #11 (my social alt).  I also introduced him to Alt #4 (my original RP alt) and to Treasure.  Meanwhile, he introduced me to his two female alts which he uses for modeling at a friend's store and for additional RP characters.  (I had already met his main male alt.)  Towards the end, he was emoting silly "notes" to himself about which of my alts to seduce and what his chances were at succeeding with each one.

It was already after 5:30am when I finally went to bed.

The next day, he talked about changing our RP relationship into non-BDSM.  It was my turn to panic.  It felt as though I was losing him.

He didn't like the idea that he was the only one getting pleasure out of it.  He didn't like that my character (and I) was always tearful.  I knew that he was being extra gentle with me in the RP to avoid triggering that unpleasant feeling again when I watched my avatar kneeling with a leash.

Maybe, after reading my first blog entry about him, he realized where I really stood in regards to BDSM.  Or maybe he now sees me more fully as he met the other "sides" of me and he understands why the symbols of BDSM affect me more strongly than most people.

I told him that I was getting my own pleasure from other parts of the relationship, even if not the D/s parts.  But he still believed that I did things only to please him even if those things were uncomfortable for me.  I reminded him that he also does certain things only to please me.  He insisted that pleasing me pleases him, so I asked him why it couldn't be the same way from my side.

Once, he half-jokingly boasted that, as gamemaster, he had caused some female RPers to have nightmares.  And yet, he wouldn't allow me to do things that are uncomfortable.  So I teased him about it and said that he must really like me a lot, if he makes me an exception.  He laughed and said that wasn't nice.  I think I hit him below the belt with that comment.  But I won that part of the argument.  ;)

He reminded me that I raised the point that maybe it's not the BDSM aspect that made our connection strong as he thought.  I said that maybe it's just the combination of him and me, because we each have intense personalities.  He said that switching to a non-BDSM relationship would prove or disprove my theory.

My worry is that a non-BDSM relationship would bore him and he'd spend less time with me and more time with someone else who actually enjoys BDSM.  Like the Captain did.

Anyway, the current plan is to transition out of the current RP into a non-BDSM relationship.  I am reluctant, even though I asked for it first.  The whole situation feels shaky.

Maybe we just need a new metaphor to anchor the relationship on.  And I had already been thinking of one....

I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man.  He's just a man....

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

Wolfgang

As I go through the editing of the book, I realized that the section about BDSM was weak, because I don't know very much about it.  Everything I knew was hearsay.

There are many reasons why I avoided BDSM:

1. I am fiercely independent.  Neither submissive nor dominant.  I prefer to live and let live.  You take care of yourself, and I take care of myself.
2. I don't understand why people would be willing to surrender everything to a stranger.
3. I am a minority and a woman; I've faced discrimination.  So I know what it feels like to be a second-class citizen.  Why would I want that in my Second Life also?

But BDSM and Gor have a very strong presence in Second Life, and I felt that I was doing my readers a disservice if I didn't delve in and experienced it.  So, Alt #27 was born.

A friend had chatted about a capture sim and the thrill of the chase.  I figured that would be a good place to start.  It wasn't as scary as full-blown BDSM and it doesn't require as much preparation as Gor.  As a runner, I had a chance to avoid the roleplay and have fun.  And maybe, subconsciously, I had something to prove to the doms.

What I found is that the good hunters want you to be good at evading capture.  They get bored with easy prey.  Meanwhile, the bad hunters want you to be easy to catch.

I was lucky to have found a very good hunter who decided to mentor me, probably because he saw that I had potential because I evaded him longer than most, even though I was very new to the game.  After all, I came up with my own strategies just by observing and practicing on my own in just a few days.  Besides, I have skill with moving my avatar with good precision on a fashion runway, so running like crazy is so much easier.  He gave me a few really good tips.

But I've also befriended some hunters who are new to the game as well.  And a few times, I encouraged a new hunter to not give up on me, so after a little rest, they'd start the chase again.  And, since I've befriended my captors, I never really felt the brunt of a BDSM roleplay.

Of course, I've seen a lot of immature behavior.  Considering my previous experiences with doms (long before I joined the capture sim), I wasn't really surprised.

Then, I met a very young man.  Or what I thought was a very young man.  He didn't chase me.  Instead, he IM'd me and made a comment about something I had put in my profile.  Even with his broken English, he was obviously very respectful and considerate.  He was also fairly new to the sim and to BDSM and to the type of weapon used at that sim, so he was pretty certain he couldn't catch me.  However, he claimed that he's a very experienced RPer.  But we had very different and very unpredictable schedules, so we gave up on the possibility that we could do a chase together.  As he was logging out, I told him he could friend me anyway, but he had already gone.

The next day, I had a friendship request waiting for me and a message that said, "Honored by your suggestion."  Soon after that, he sent me a couple of offline messages where he started a roleplay that he was chasing me.  I was surprised, but it was a charming idea.  And so it started.

Because I had a family emergency, I didn't get a chance to reply until a week later. My first contribution was just a one-liner.  But we continued the roleplay.  He would reply when he came online, then I would reply when I came online. I threw a couple of "curveballs" at him in the storyline, but he handled them well and very creatively.  I was very impressed.  He really is a very good RPer.

I would read his responses when I start my day, then I let it simmer in my head and respond in the evening.  As the roleplay progressed, each reply increased in the number of lines.  We were para-RPing, except we were doing it offline, asynchronously. Because we had time to think and craft our responses well, our storytelling became so vivid that, at times, I felt as though I was actually in that place we had created in our minds, even when I'm actually outside in real life.  I felt the emotions that my character would feel.

When the chase was coming to an end.  We agreed that we wanted to do the final scene "live", so we scheduled when we would meet.  I felt sad that it was ending, but giddy at the same time because of the RP story.  I had become emotionally involved, I had fallen in love, but I didn't realize it then.  During that scene, he redirected the story in a very unexpected way.  Later, when we analyzed it, he said that he became reluctant to move forward with it, because he wanted me too much and he felt that he was getting more emotionally involved than he wanted to be.  He mentioned a part where he felt there was very strong emotions in the undercurrent and that made him worried.

I agreed that there were strong emotions.  And because of those emotions, the roleplay had taken a life of its own.  It became "real".  In that final scene, I surrendered to him as his sub.  That surrender felt so much like a wedding, with the same intensity of emotions.  No, we didn't partner but we listed each other on our profiles.  He said that he had never placed anyone's name on his profile like that before.  He reiterated it a few times, in fact. He also understood that it was the first time I submitted to anyone, and he said he was honored by the gesture.

We talked about exclusivity, and after some negotiation, we agreed that Alt #27 would be exclusive to him.  But he also knows that I have other alts and other lovers in those alts, and he was fine with those.  Throughout the discussions, he never imposed his will on me.  He kept making sure that I feel comfortable stating my needs without feeling guilt. And I kept falling deeper.  We were together for eight or nine hours that night.

I experienced the bliss of D/s.

Yesterday, we met again and we continued the RP.  He was teaching me how things were done.  How to trigger a kneeling animation.  How RLV works.  How the collar works (a collar was required at the capture sim, but I picked one that looks more like jewelry).  And during the RP, he attached a leash to the collar.  As he stood there towering over me, I had this wave of emotion that was so unexpected and grew so quickly.  I asked him to wait.  He waited.  I started to cry in real life.  And I tried to explain to him what was going on as I was trying to figure it out.  I was intensely happy the previous night, I was intensely happy just a few moments prior, and suddenly, I felt something different and I kept crying.

It wasn't that I didn't trust him.  I did.  He was very kind the whole time and very respectful since I met him.  Smiling and happy.  We were behaving like a newly wed couple.  But the image of my avatar kneeling in front of a man who holds a chain attached to her neck, that was just too much.  I suddenly felt oppressed.  Not necessarily by him.

He listened attentively as I tried to figure out why I felt that.  I had to explain that I am a minority and that I was getting that same feeling of oppression as when I was discriminated against.  That feeling of being subjugated.  What made it complicated was that I had fallen in love with him.  If I didn't, it would be so easy for me to just stop the roleplay and just drop it.  But because of my emotions for him, I couldn't leave.

I experienced the oppression of D/s.

He said he didn't want it to end either.  So we talked for hours while he was trying to figure out a way to change the roleplay so I would be comfortable.  He suggested several scenarios.  I said it was just the combination of symbols and suggested that maybe I not kneel and be leashed at the same time.  It would make it appear that I am not a respectful sub.  It occurred to him that other doms would berate him about that, but he resolved that he would just challenge them and, when they're defeated, their insults and dishonor would be gone with them.  How can I leave a man so gallant, so chivalrous?


The issue hasn't been resolved completely.  And I'm still analyzing the whole psychological picture of D/s.  I had been trying to find metaphors to link the concepts to what I know.  I told him that a woman would naturally surrender to the man she loves, even if the relationship is not declared D/s.  And I also said that a sub obeying the dom is just like a wife obeying her husband.  In both arguments, he said it's more than that, because a wife would not "obey" her husband, for example.  I argued that it depends on the culture.  He comes from a culture where the norm is that husband and wife are equal partners.  I come from a culture where the tradition is that the wife defers to the husband.

Anyway, we'll see where it goes.  I could see a whole new book in all this.

Lord, have mercy.