7 days

It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.

"you are mine"

Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.

When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".

The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"

As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".

At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.

"i prefer he is your lover than another"

Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.

And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.

I hardly see Rapido anymore.

At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.

Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".

I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."

He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."

His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".

He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".

a birthday gift

The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.

After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.

A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.

I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.

Well, needless to say, we argued again.

This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.

I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.

I told him I'd decide the next day.

I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.

I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above

He replied with "Yes I wish".

In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.

During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....

tracker redux

"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."

I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.

It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.

But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.

So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.

So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.

packing the past

Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.

But the countdown had ended.

So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.

I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.

He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.

He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.

The power of little things

Last Friday, I met with Wolfgang briefly for a hug.  I decided to end the timeout after a week.  I still had no resolution, but I knew that I couldn't solve it alone.


Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it.  It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse.  We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week.  I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again.  I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one.  He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.

He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing.  I thought he'd be back in about an hour.  So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on.  While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed.  If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.

A lot of things went through my head.  Was there really no solution to this?  He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.

It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile.  And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal.  But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant.  And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.

When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were.  (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.)  His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.

So, we continued our conversation.  Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex.  I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex.  As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl.  I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past.  After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning.  I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not."  So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things.  But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.


It's all symbols

We again discussed the issue of him claiming me.  When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his.  And we talked about what indicates a claim.

The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with.  Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me.  Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.

To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession.  But I didn't quite understand why.

I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people.  Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time.  It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific.  The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word.  It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.

However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic.  He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd.  And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either.  It was just something different to try for fun.  So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.

I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols.  After all, we were both very independent people.  Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined?  And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.

I realized that even his alt is a symbol.  In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols.  (That's another book idea right there.)  Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.


Adding the "h"

He asked what we should do.  I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea.  He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM.  Then he joked...

[2012/07/23 05:12:42]

Wolfgang#3: ((and you look damn sexy leashed ;) ))

Alt#27: Then leash me!

Wolfgang#3: lol
Wolfgang#3: but you don't like that !

Alt#27: Will you fuck me if you leash me?

Wolfgang#3: leash is not necessary to fuck by luck lol

Alt#27: okay, here's what I'm saying....
Alt#27: If you make love to me each time you leash me, I will associate the leash with pleasure.
Alt#27: Then the meaning of that symbol changes.
Alt#27: For me.
Alt#27: And it's a very concrete signal that means "yes, today, we can fuck."

Wolfgang#3: leash claim you, it is not a message of fuck lol

But the idea of a symbol gaining a different meaning for me made him more open to trying it again, in case there's a possibility that I would associate the collar and leash with the concept of him claiming me, which I like, as opposed to associating them with oppression, which I don't like.

He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do."  I was surprised.  And awed.  He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.

When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too.  He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us."  And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.

We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again.  Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.

Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us.  And he noticed it too.


The power of little things

I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash.  But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning.  Like we need darkness to define light.

The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay.  It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only.  It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me.  Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding.  Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him.  Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.

So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce.  As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.

[2012/07/23 06:36:15]

Wolfgang#3: that s funny how much 2 little things can make you so more desirable

Alt#27: The leash and the collar?

Wolfgang#3: yes

Alt#27: It's funny that the same two things make me feel closer to you.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: that is more understandable for me as it link us materially

Alt#27: For me, it's because of that night.

Wolfgang#3: the link was cut, and it appears again, symbol of it
Wolfgang#3: so it leads us to feel closer

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: Because of a meaning that we previously attached to it.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: power of little things