La Belle et la Bête

A couple of years ago, Yes Man bought a minotaur avie to wear for me, because I had seen a minotaur copulating with a human slave and the scene was surprisingly very erotic.

Wolfgang knew about that minotaur.

We had been talking on and off about what to do with Alt#27 and Wolfgang#6. He felt that we were stagnating there, because we were walking a fine line. We weren't entirely into BDSM and we weren't entirely out of it either. There wasn't much room to move. I would have been fine keeping them as they were, even if they were stagnant, but he figured that, unless they grew, they would eventually disappear.

One day, I mentioned that I missed Wolfgang#2, who was the first of his alts that I met. I missed the connection we had and I wanted to go back to the old roleplay to relive it again. He refused because parts of BDSM hurt me, even if I assured him we would be fine, because we've developed more amiable and more tender connections with each other through our other alt pairs. He still refused.

He didn't want to go back to the past. He preferred to move forward. And, among other ideas, we revisited the beast, which would be a very erotic roleplay. I wasn't sure it was the right idea though. He once refused to wear a hamster avie even if it was just for fun. He reasoned he's not a hamster, and I argued he wasn't female either but he has female avies. I didn't want him to do it reluctantly, so I didn't mention it again, although we explored the Marketplace to see our options. Although he later insisted he already agreed to it, I wasn't so sure.

Deciding what to do next with those alts was a very frustrating argument that took several days, and we both got very frustrated and irritated and angry whenever we talked about it. Even when we were in our other more tender alts. And that's when we finally admitted to ourselves that how we felt in one alt pair would affect other alt pairs.

One evening, he mentioned that he  transferred some L$ to Wolfgang#6 for the beast avie. He wanted me to choose, even the color. And I was surprised. To him, his avies were representations of the real-life him. And yet, here he was, allowing me to define who he would be. He wanted to please me. He wanted me to be happy. And I was overwhelmed.

Maybe he's reciprocating, because he saw how I allowed Alt#6 to split into four characters for him: a cat, a furry, a neko, and the original human and he saw how those alternative avies added very interesting complexities to our interactions. Whatever his reasons, the beast was a wonderful gift.

Then he came up with a wonderful premise for a background story. A curse that turned him into a beast. A love that was torn apart because of it. Souls reincarnating through time and lovers finding each other again in their new incarnations and the curse being invoked again. The story is very promising but still has holes that we'll resolve as we go along. And it was still a form of D/s, but more "excusable" because of the wild nature of the beast.

The other day, we made love with him as the beast for the first time. It was very potent. He could simply take me. And being taken like that (of course, with implicit permission and our safe word) was very arousing.

As we were reflecting on it, I realized that this wasn't like the minotaur at all. The minotaur was a sex object that Yes Man wore, only when we decided to do that sexual scenario. On the other hand, the beast is an ongoing roleplay, and it already has a background story, so it has the beginnings of a "soul."  Wolfgang thinks that makes a big difference, and I agree.

It seems so "natural." After all, he has been calling me his "beauty" for a long while now.

"... Barely even friends,... then somebody bends... unexpectedly...."

Turning five, ... and the romance of Scrum

I started writing this blog entry and forgot all about it. No, it's not the age thing; it's the long to-do list thing. After my rez day party, I started immediately on a project And, now, I have a couple of things I want to talk about, so, you -- my dear readers -- get a two-for-one deal.

Five

I turned five a week ago.

Anyway, the last time I threw a party was on my first rez day anniversary. The following years, I just created gifts for friends. But, since it's the fifth year, I figured it was time for another bash.

Before the party, I was very nervous. Everything was planned at the last minute. I contacted musicians only in the past couple of weeks, and I built the venue only that morning. I got my nephew to perform at the first hour, but we had to do it using the voice channel, because we couldn't figure out how to set up the stream. Capos Calderwood performed in the second hour, and I am incredibly grateful that he never says "no" to me. :) I had asked TallGuy as well but he couldn't make it because of a planned long-distance trip early the next morning. I also asked a couple of DJs but both had RL commitments. *sigh* I should have planned much sooner, but there were too many other things to worry about.

But this feels like a turning point, you know? It's like turning 50. Like having a midlife crisis.

I still have the uncanny thing about things in August changing my life. Lots have happened this past August. And I'm sure their effects are going to reverberate throughout my life.

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too -- even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."

~ Morrie Schwartz, from "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom

Agile relationships

After my breakup with 6969, I was chatting with Lucky Bastard and we talked about what I really want. I said that I have nothing against a long-term relationship in real life; I just don't want to commit. I have an issue with the "till death do us part" when we know damn well that the odds of keeping that promise are against us. Even worse for second marriages.

He gave me permission to quote him, so...

[2011-08-29 15:18:28] LB: you do want commitment?
[2011-08-29 15:19:07] Opal Lei: What I want is for someone to choose to be with me, with or without commitment, for the rest of my life.
[2011-08-29 15:19:30] Opal Lei: And for him to CHOOSE to be with me each day.
[2011-08-29 15:19:44] Opal Lei: Not just be forced to be with me.
[2011-08-29 15:19:51] LB: but that is commitment
[2011-08-29 15:19:55] Opal Lei: No.
[2011-08-29 15:20:03] Opal Lei: Because he could change his mind one day.
[2011-08-29 15:20:24] Opal Lei: And when he does, he's free to go.
[2011-08-29 15:20:38] Opal Lei: Of course, the same goes from my side.
[2011-08-29 15:20:48] LB: but in the same sentence you say for the rest of the life
[2011-08-29 15:21:00] Opal Lei: that would be nice, but not required.
[2011-08-29 15:21:07] Opal Lei: the *required* is the key difference.
[2011-08-29 15:21:55] LB: i see that as a commitment
[2011-08-29 15:22:06] Opal Lei: Even without the promise?
[2011-08-29 15:22:30] LB: it is my perspective
[2011-08-29 15:22:44] Opal Lei nods
[2011-08-29 15:23:59] Opal Lei: I see the difference between staying with someone voluntarily and being forced to stay with someone simply because of a promise made.
[2011-08-29 15:24:56] LB: "And for him to CHOOSE to be with me each day"...that is a commitment that i will be here each day
[2011-08-29 15:25:06] Opal Lei: No.
[2011-08-29 15:25:15] Opal Lei: Everyday, he has to choose to be with me or not.
[2011-08-29 15:25:17] LB: i am not looking at it personally
[2011-08-29 15:25:24] Opal Lei smiles.
[2011-08-29 15:25:58] Opal Lei: Everyday, there's a choice to be made.
[2011-08-29 15:26:08] Opal Lei: As opposed to making the choice once.
[2011-08-29 15:26:44] LB: you are shrinking the delta to one day
[2011-08-29 15:26:50] Opal Lei: Yes
[2011-08-29 15:26:56] Opal Lei: Short-term commitment. :D
[2011-08-29 15:27:02] LB: it sounds more like one night stand
[2011-08-29 15:27:17] Opal Lei: Not if you make the same choice for many days.
[2011-08-29 15:27:44] LB: then it is repetitive commitment
[2011-08-29 15:27:55] Opal Lei: Well, I guess that's a good name for it. :)
[2011-08-29 15:28:06] LB: agile..lmao
[2011-08-29 15:28:11] Opal Lei: lol
[2011-08-29 15:28:43] LB: Agile Relationship
[2011-08-29 15:28:47] Opal Lei: LOL

So, there. That's what I want... an Agile relationship... a Scrum relationship. :D

Gotta love nerds and their sense of humor. :D

SL: a reincarnation metaphor

I've been switching between alts a lot lately, chatting with friends as Opal and building a business as my professional alt. And I've even been logging in as my testing alt when I need uninterrupted time. When I meet people through my professional alt, I usually explain that it is an alt and that I've been in SL longer than what my profile says. That helps explain why I know a bit more about SL.

And it occurred to me that SL is a lot like reincarnation.

There is a theory that each life we live contributes something to a higher life. That all the experiences we have somehow pours back into a whole, an oversoul, a repository of sorts. They say that we are born with certain talents or inclinations, which we learned from a "previous" lifetime, to help us in the current lifetime. I've also read a theory that, because time is just another dimension, those "previous" lifetimes might be concurrent with this one, or even in the future.

I guess in a sense, SL is something akin to that. I've learned a lot in my life as Opal and I continue to learn. But the knowledge, the skills, and the wisdom do not reside in Opal; those things reside in the real person behind the avatar. And my professional alt benefits from what I learned as Opal. It's almost like the real person is the oversoul, while each avatar is a lifetime.

I'm still pondering the metaphor....

The loony bin

(Markoosha left a comment in a previous entry. In it, he advises that I should "focus on 'First' life." I figured I'd respond to him here.)

Markoosha, thank you for the advice. No, it does not offend me. In fact, I've heard that advice many times before. So I hope it would not offend you if I don't take it. :-)

The problem with pat answers is that what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. We all have different circumstances. In my case, the last couple of years of my "First" life marriage was incredibly painful that I have stayed away from serious intimate relationships for years. And yet I know that I need that emotional intimacy with another, a deeper kind of intimacy that platonic friends cannot provide.

Second Life is something of an emotional "sandbox" for me. A place where I can dip my toe in the pool, so to speak. A place to figure out what I did wrong, what I can do better, and whether I am emotionally ready for a full-time relationship. Usually, commitments in SL tend to be valid only in-world, so it's not as risky. But, at the same time, I'm getting my emotional needs satisfied once in a while.

So, the reason I'm not taking your advice is...

If I can't make it work in a (somewhat) controlled environment like Second Life, what makes you think I can make it work in real life?

:-D

Or to make the question more relevant to you...

If a driver hasn't learned to avoid orange cones in an empty parking lot at 15 mph, are you sure you want that person sharing the road with you at 65 mph?

;-D

/me plans to create a group called "Characters who should not be let out into the real world." After she comes up with a shorter name. lol

Hermes to the rescue

In Hades, the ground is steep and slippery. Even after you land, it is so easy to keep sliding further down, deeper into the darkness. And I became afraid. The darkness wasn't comforting anymore.

Then Hermes came. In the form of a youth. But he didn't come just then; he was already there. It was a conversation we had few weeks earlier that came to mind. Like the rest of the young folks who snuck into this grid, he thinks it's not right for people to bring sex into SL. I confessed that I was one of those people. Graciously, he said that at least I don't do it "the wrong way."

And that had been true until I descended into Hades with my dark love. The first night seemed harmless enough, but, the following night, something my lover said made me panic. And I knew that, soon, it wouldn't be harmless anymore. Yes, it is only virtual, only a fantasy. But is a fantasy worth losing my self-respect?

I have always listened to the wisdom of age, but I never expected it would be youth's innocence that would save my soul.

So, I return to who I was. I owe it to Hermes; I owe it to all the young 'uns; I owe it to myself.

Persephone returns to the light.

Pavlov's windchime

On my second day in SL, I went searching for land. I read about the First Land Program and did a search. The first few ones I saw were flat featureless rectangles in the middle of a prairie. I kept looking. Then I realized that the search results changed once in a while. So, I kept clicking the Search button.

Then I found it.

It is a small irregular plot on a hillside set against the northern edge of Aglia, with trees all around it. A few meters below are train tracks. Once in a while, I'd hear birds, crickets, and windchimes. I don't know where the sounds come from, but I suspect that it comes from a small cube hanging from my neighbor's tree. I bought the land that day. Then, I stayed there for some time, walking the boundaries, planning where I would put things.

All weekend long, I built a deck, a glass house, and a gazebo. It was my sanctuary. Somehow, when I am there, my mind quiets down but becomes acutely alert, like being in deep meditation.

Well, I didn't realize what effect it really had on my mind until this morning in real life. I was in that zone between sleep and wakefulness, when I heard a windchime through my bedroom window. Then, all of a sudden, like Pavlov's dogs, my mind goes into that meditation mode -- quiet, but acutely alert.

[Pant, pant, pant,... drool,... ;-) ]