Within parentheses

Both Wolfgang and The Impossible are more active in SL than most of my previous lovers. I see them very often in a week. In the past, that worked for me because I usually had only one very active lover. With two very involved and very active relationships that are developing quickly and differently, I’m kinda reeling.


Wolfgang and Alt #27's relationship was shook up this week. The tiff started a few days ago, involving two of his other lovers. He had placed Alt #27's name on his profile as doms do for their subs. And I had placed his name on my profile. In all his years in SL, he had never put anybody's name on his profile, but there was a practical reason to it this time. It was required by the place where we went to, in order to communicate to other doms that Alt #27 was exclusive to him.

But having her name on his profile made his other lovers insecure, because he didn't put their names on his profile and I don't know why he chose not to. To his other lovers, it was as though he preferred me over them.

The problem was that, if I claimed in my own profile that I was sexually exclusive to him, who would believe it if his profile doesn't confirm what I said in mine? Under normal circumstances, it was benign enough. But in the world of BDSM, who knows?

That was just the start.

As a compromise, I asked him to create an alt that's exclusive to me. I told him I didn't care if the alt looked like a newbie. I just wanted us to be able to put each other's names in our profiles again, and I explained the significance of that gesture. He argued against it. He couldn't understand the reason for putting a "label" on our profiles. And he doesn't think that he'd be able to project to a new alt that wasn't "him."

He didn’t understand why I was disproportionately upset about the issue. But, actually, something else happened two nights prior that we hadn’t had a chance to iron out. I discovered that he had logged in his alt while we were having sex, which – to me – meant that he wasn’t “with me” during a very intimate moment. And the fact that I didn’t have his full attention made me feel really crummy, as though my sexual needs are just another chore for him. That was what my sex alt was for. In an emotional relationship, that hurts.

Then the issue about the tracker came up. He had forgotten that he said it was okay for me to track when he logged in. So he lost trust in me. I had to copy and paste the conversation we had where he agreed.

I was in too much pain. One issue after another piling up. Each one felt as though he was pushing me away.

I removed him from the tracker and told him I did. I figured that if he didn't trust me anymore, we couldn't be lovers anymore. Nor friends for that matter. And if we weren't lovers anymore, there was no point keeping track of him. I was getting ready to shut down Alt #27. I told him I'd end our ongoing RP later in the day; I didn't want loose ends.

But he asked why I was always rushing things by myself without stopping to discuss with him. I replied, “Because it hurts too much and I want it to stop hurting.”

Two hours later, he sent another email – calmer, more understanding. He reiterated that there wouldn’t have been pain if we took the time to talk. I tried to talk but he wasn’t available, and things got worse before he had time to talk. But I promised I wouldn’t do anything more until we did. He echoed it, in agreement.

It was more than a full day before I replied to his email. And we explained our views about the things that happened.

He said that he didn't know there was such a tracking tool and he misunderstood when he agreed to let me track when he logs in. He explained that his alt was Away the entire time and he assumed that I would have known that. I said I didn’t. Yes, there is a way to determine whether the person is Away or Busy, but I didn’t care what he did so I didn’t track that. I only cared whether there was a chance he would have time to spend with me. If he was logged out, there was no chance, and I could leave the computer and do other things; if he was logged in, there’s a chance, so I would stay online. Even though my alt was exclusive to him, his alt was not exclusive to me and I knew he had other lovers. What reason do I have to spy? Even after I had explained, he still felt bad about it, but he said it was his own problem to deal with.

We talked about the issues, the pros and cons of solutions. He explained that he didn’t say no to creating an alt, but he had to think about it because he had different views about alts than I did. When we met early this morning, he agreed to try it and we’ll see how it works.

Then, he did something surprising. A few minutes before he had to go, he tp’d us back to where we were the last time we saw each other. He said it was like enclosing our fight within parentheses. It was surprising, because it was a very sentimental gesture. This, coming from a man who says he’s known to be emotionally “cold.”

But I did something that surprised him as well. When he arrived today, I knelt down, because it was what a sub did to greet her dom, as he had taught me. He said he didn’t think I would kneel. I was ready to leave the relationship, it was an OOC conversation, and (as I kept telling him) I am much too independent to be a sub OOC. But, he thinks that the BDSM is an important part of our relationship (even though I vehemently disagree), so I knelt. Because, if I didn’t kneel, I would have closed the door to a reconciliation. He smiled and called it “strategic kneeling.”


Usually, a big fight like that would be the end of the relationship. This is one of the most difficult – if not THE most difficult – relationship I have ever had in SL. We are VERY different. I had told him once that I had thought of leaving a few times, because we are incompatible and we argue all the time. After all, I’m INTJ and INTJs don’t stick around in relationships that won’t work, even if the separation would be painful for a while. We’re pragmatic that way.

But it’s been more than two months now. And the relationship feels like it has sticking power. Funny that.

The lost pilgrim

August had been significant in my Second Life.  This past August, I thought it was the disaster with 6969 that was the change in SL.  What I didn't realize was that there was something else as well.

The same day I met 6969, I met two pilgrims who followed me up a mountain and through a labyrinth.  The next day, both pilgrims contacted me separately at the same time and we had another quick but funny exchange with the blonde sending us pictures of him doing the belly dance.

With a trip and the affair with 6969, I didn't find reason to log in as Alt #11 for a long while.

Last Sunday, in between the Burn2 temple burns, I logged into Alt #11 since I was too wound up to nap.  Besides, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to wake up in time for the 3am burn.

I found the Irishman online and said hi, which was lucky for him because he was figuring out why he lost his legs after taking off his boots.  After we got that sorted out, we sat down at Kannonji for a chat.

He said that he and the blonde had gotten together and became lovers.  The blonde is polyamorous and has other lovers.  And it sounded as though the Irishman wanted to be one of my lovers as well.  "You were the person I most wanted to see again here at SL," he said.  So, he was going to ask the blonde if it was alright with him.

The blonde said no.

I don't know how the conversation went, but that was that.  I asked if the blonde would allow us to remain friends.  The Irishman said it was fine; in fact, he thought that the blonde was also "smitten" with me.  But I had the feeling that he was broken-hearted.  He was torn.  He adored the blonde; he said so repeatedly.  And he adored me.

It didn't matter to me.  From my perspective, we simply wouldn't have SLex. It would still be more than a casual friendship, so I'd make time for it.  He asked if I would ever spend time with both of them at the same time.  I told him that I don't really have time for casual get-togethers, but I would make time for climbing the mountain again.

That conversation happened yesterday.  This morning, I realized that, if I continued to see the Irishman alone, it would eventually undermine their relationship, so I left him an offline.  The blonde was online so I tried to contact him, but he wasn't responding and I had to go.

So I went through my day, then in the evening, I checked email and found messages from both of them.  The blonde said yes to meeting.  The Irishman said the blonde left him for his female lover, and he added that he was leaving SL and he said his goodbyes.

It upset me unexpectedly.  All I could think of was going back to the mountain, and I walked up it without stopping.  I was on a pilgrimage again.  At the entrance to the labyrinth, I cried.  I hardly know him, but I still felt deep sadness.  I walked the labyrinth.  It was a prayer for him to heal.  I sent him a message that I walked it for him.  Afterwards, I stood just outside the labyrinth and reminisced.

Not long after, he logged in and responded.  I tried to teleport him; he refused to come.  Thinking it was the memories associated with the mountain, I went to Kannonji.  He still refused to come.  But in the conversation, he happened to mention he was in Dublin because it was at least somewhat familiar.  I searched for the Dublin sim and teleported there.  Then I found him with the radar and teleported there.  He was sitting on the bridge, so I sat next to him.  And we talked.

I found out about the lies.  He and the blonde had been lovers long before SL, and the blonde had told him to pretend that they didn't know each other when we met.  He had told me about the D/s nature of their relationship.  Tonight, I learned about the abuse from his childhood.  I learned about his deep love for the blonde, about the last time the blonde left him, about his attempted suicide, about his hopeless dreams for a future with him.  I was crying the whole time.

He said he was leaving "this world."  I made him promise not to take his life, and he promised.  In the end, he promised to send me a message that he was okay.  He wasn't going to take anything electronic with him, but I suggested that he send a postcard to his friend in the UK and ask her to send me an email.  He agreed.

Then he left.  On a new pilgrimage perhaps.  To heal.

Choices

For someone who is not religious, I have a lot of beliefs, most of which are not particularly mainstream either.

And two of them come into play these days....

1.
Many years ago, my youngest sister recommended the book "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. I don't remember why she did. It was the only new age book she ever recommended to me.

The theory of the book is that our souls belong to soul groups or soul families that keep reincarnating together. (Of course, this assumes that one believes in souls and reincarnation.) The roles and gender may change, but the connection remains. Before we come back to earth for a new life, we make mutual contracts with other souls in our soul group to help us learn whatever lesson we choose to learn in that lifetime. And there would be something, maybe even seemingly innocuous, that would help our soul recognize that other soul. When the contract is fulfilled, we then part ways until the next lifetime.

If that theory is true, I've come up with a corollary to it.

I believe that, when we are attracted to someone, it's because our soul is recognizing one of those souls that we have a contract with. And when we fall in love, we aren't falling in love with that person for the first time. We have loved them from eternity, and we will continue to love them till eternity. Falling in love is just a remembering of that eternal love.


2.
I also believe in synchronicity, in fate, in predetermination. We *perceive* free will only at a certain level. It's just like how we perceive solids to be impenetrable, when we know that there are huge spaces between the atomic particles. Or just like how we perceive our individuality, our separation from each other. I would even argue that the choices we think we're making in the name of free will is predetermined. It's just another effect after a long string of causes. Or maybe a web of causes.

Some of those causes may be psychological because of some past experience; some may be contextual because of the current situation. Sometimes, we might not even be aware of what those causes are. But, ultimately, fate narrows our choices to one, long before we have to make the decision.


Many people could not grasp the idea that I could honestly and deeply love more than one man at a time. Actually, it was a man who questioned it. The idea of monogamy -- or, more specifically, serial monogamy -- has been so ingrained in our culture. People understand having multiple sexual partners, but they cannot understand multiple romantic relationships.

How can you love just one child if you have several, I asked him. He said, this was different; this was a romantic relationship.

But, in some cases, it isn't just a romantic relationship. Or a romantic-and-sexual relationship. In some cases, it's a spiritual relationship, manifesting as a romantic relationship in this lifetime and expressed as a sexual relationship.

And I don't love them as a group, as a celebrity would love their fans as a group. I deeply love each of them individually and differently. Because each of them is different. And the dynamic of each relationship is different.

Loving one child does not diminish our love for another child. Love for one parent does not diminish our love for another parent. Love for one sibling does not diminish our love for another sibling. Love for one friend does not diminish our love for another friend.

Love as an emotion is not a zero-sum game. However, a lifetime is. And so we prioritize and make choices. And the mores of this society demand that we commit to only one mate at a time.


Most of my lovers are married in real life. There was no way the relationship was going outside of Second Life, although I tried once. One unmarried lover admitted he didn't really love the real me.

So I was left with one choice. We had so much synchronicity in our real lives that I thought he would be it. There were so many near-misses -- opportunities where we could have met, but we didn't. And synchronously, we met after his divorce, when we were both free. But his work took him away so often that I rarely heard from him. But the times when I did were so sweet.

The door was only slightly ajar, just enough for me to peek in, but not enough to let me through, though I've tried to push my way in. I had hoped that one day synchronicity would fully open it for me. After all, synchronicity brought us this far, so I figured it was just a matter of time.

Then I met 6969, and another door opened. And it opened wide. The intensity of his emotions created a vortex that was very hard to resist. Even with all my BUT's. It wasn't the future I imagined I would have. After all, I had given up the dreams of my youth. But there it was. He had answers to all my objections.

Fate narrows our choices to one.


But I am also aware that fate is fickle.


6969 wants forever. From this earthly perspective, there is no forever. But, from a higher perspective, he already has that. From a higher perspective, I love him from eternity until eternity.

The good news is that, from this earthly perspective, there is exclusivity and I give him that. From a higher perspective, there is none. I have met many soulmates in this lifetime before I met him, and I love each of them from eternity until eternity.

And from an even higher perspective, there is no concept of exclusivity at all. Because, from that perspective, there is no "other" to be exclusive with.

Immensely blessed

The break-up with 6-Minute Dancer stunned me in a way that was very unexpected, and what he said made me rethink my lovestyle.

Two lovers have consoled me since, two others have distracted me with fun conversations, and one other has sent me hugs and kisses. And I remember again why I chose this lovestyle.

I don't have to ask for more than each of them is willing to give. I don't empty their cups with my needs. That allows me to keep my independence, and them to keep theirs. We avoid co-dependency. Therefore, we know that, when we get together, we get together willingly, because we enjoy each other's company, not because we are obligated to be there.

There are times when I wish for more time with them. But when I miss one of them, it's not a generic emotion; I miss that specific lover. None of them is replaceable. Each of them is different. And that diversity in personality enriches my life. How could I give up that richness?

6-Minute Dancer is wrong. It's not that I can not be exclusive; it's that I do not want to be. Traditionalists may think that I'm being selfish, because I go for what I need. I would have thought so in the past, but, these days, I disagree. I share myself with more lovers than I would have in an exclusive relationship. At the same time, I allow my lovers to share themselves with others and to enjoy others. From that perspective, I think it is exclusivity that is actually a selfish act.

Being polyamorous doesn't mean I take on anyone who's available. In fact, as accepting as I am of people, I am very discriminating with lovers. The better ones stay with me longer, because I actively seek out their company, just as they seek out mine.

It was silly to grieve for losing 6-Minute Dancer; he wasn't right for me for several reasons. But that incident made me appreciate how incredibly lucky I am to have these lovers around me when I needed them, even though one of them waited almost a year before I considered him a lover and even though another hadn't been my lover for almost two years. Now, that is overwhelming.

I am immensely blessed.

Because I am who I am

He just left ten minutes ago. 6-minute dancer. I'm still stunned.

I had made him my primary after that 15-hour session. Then we dropped the ball. We both did. Today, we admitted it wouldn't work.

My reason was that he couldn't give me enough time. His reason was that he was "a little bit more old fashioned and traditional when it comes to relationships." Once upon a time, so was I.

But I had felt too much pain and endured too much heartache. My current lovestyle is how I control the pain and the heartache. I diversified to reduce the risk.

Sure, I lost the chance to delve deep into a relationship. But I never had much of that chance in the past anyway. So, who's to say I lost anything?

But the emotions still run deep. Oh, God, how deep they run! The pain remains, the heartaches still come, but the only difference is that I have someone else to catch me, instead of splintering into pieces alone like I used to every time a lover left.

Could I go back to who I was? Would I go back to who I was? He doesn't think I could because he couldn't meet my needs. I think that he couldn't meet my needs because he doesn't love me.

So my heart breaks. Because I am who I am.