History repeats

I had been quiet for a long while. First, I needed time to recover from my rebound. (I wonder if all relationships are just rebounds of the previous one. That's a long chain of rebounds!) Second, no one really became serious enough.

But much has been happening and it feels like things are churning.


He was almost perfect. Very sweet, very romantic. He said I made his happiness two-fold.

Opal Lei: Besides my friend says I should ignore men.
Almost: nooooo
Opal Lei: She said if I ignore men, they'll fall in love with me more.
Almost: i am already fallen
Almost: cant go deep more

Lately, he had been barely responsive, even when he was logged in. I stopped messaging him, but he IM'd me again one day.

Alt#11: And I was thinking you were already bored with me.
Almost: nah, not like that but i m really busy, u have seen it, most of the time i m on chat client like tonight
Alt#11: Well, men in SL have used being busy as an excuse to disappear, you know.
Almost: really....
Almost: then next time onwards i will cc u my work

I asked him to at least respond to my messages even if his responses were just a quick kiss or a goodnight. He did a couple of times.

Then, Friday evening, he said he was going to bed to catch up on his sleep because he was only getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep for several weeks. An hour later, he showed up on my radar at Franks. I asked him if he couldn't sleep. He gave some vague excuse about catching up on news. I wondered why he was catching up on news at Franks; he said someone teleported him there.

I just caught him in a lie.

It's uncanny how history repeats itself. I was so pissed that I removed him from Alt#11's friends list right then and there, and from another alt's friends list also. But I had second thoughts about removing him from Opal's friends list. So he's still there. For now. I still give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe because I too have fallen.

Still I was bothered enough, so that my interactions with other men are affected by it.

In the afternoon, I had very little patience for a new acquaintance who kept kissing and hugging for no reason, even though I just met him.

This evening, I realized that I had been too mean with another suitor, who had tried my patience for being so bossy and manipulative and inconsiderate since I met him a few weeks ago.

SilverSpoon: I like you a lot
Alt#11: thanks
SilverSpoon: don't hurt me again
Alt#11: then stay away
Alt#11: I have thorns.
Alt#11: Anyone who comes close gets hurt.

He logged off without a word. I suppose I hurt him again with that response.

The greater the pain inside, the sharper the spikes outside....

Once every two years

I understand how nervous some people feel about alts. I remember a time when alts were viewed as a bad thing, because people used them for not-so-nice reasons.

So I decided to establish a personal "rule" that if someone who met me in one alt approached me in another alt, I would admit that I've met them before. But they would have to say hi (or something) to me first. I would not approach them.

The first two instances were fairly insignificant. I don't remember the first one, but the second one met one of my anonymous alts first then another anonymous alt. No damage done.

The third instance was with Impy. He met one anonymous alt, then he added Opal in a social media site (not SL). I considered that as an approach to another alt anyway. Needless to say, that was a significant coincidence.

Today, someone saw one of my anonymous alts and complimented me. I said thank you, of course. But, as I was reading his profile, I realized that I had met him in real life at SLCC 2011! And I even took his picture! Anyway, I had to tell him. My rule. :)  But he first promised to keep my secrets. :)

More involvement

Updates

Sometimes, you think you're recovering nicely, then suddenly some random thing, some random phrase, some random piece of music sends you sobbing again.  I probably should start packing the home I shared with Impy, but the pain is still too fresh for me to even go there.

Meanwhile, mfpwtff has been on email with me lately, asking me to review his personal ad profile and asking for my thoughts on things in his RL.  We've always had a wonderful friendship.  I relied on him for a hug and a chat on many occasions when I've been heartbroken.  Now, it's my turn to be there for him as he gets back on his feet after his divorce.  If only all my relationships end up like this, life would be good.

A close call

I haven't had much time for Rapido, nor he for me because he's going on a trip soon.  We've been taking our alts out (Alt#31 and Rapido#2) and doing multiples.  We've even tried to do a little bit of RP between ourselves.  Of course, the focus is still on sex.

However, I had a bit of a scare once when we were at a public sex place.  We were in a room in a castle when another couple came into the same room and used the bed.  Rapido, thinking it would be more exciting to do multiple, asked the guy if they wanted to join us.  The guy seemed to be all for it, but he said that his girl was too shy and would probably not agree.  Whew!

I have this "rule" that if someone who knows me from one alt approaches another of my alts by accident, I would admit that they know me.  I've only had to make good on that promise twice -- Impy was the second one.

And the guy that Rapido was inviting to join us in a foursome, well, ... he was once an admirer of Alt#11.

More involvement

When Wolfgang found out that I lost Impy, he simply made a comment about how fast relationships don't last.  That was it.  We were just chatting about the state of his relationships and how many he had left.

Then, the other day, he came in outside his usual time, so I tp'd him for a hug.  Then he said he had to say hello to one of his former subs, the same one who was jealous of my name in his profile.  She had just logged in.  So I released him from the hug, thinking that he had to tp away.  But he didn't.

He remained there, with his LookAt crosshairs on Opal.  He noticed that Opal has the same feet as Alt#27.  I said, yes, but Alt#27 has the mesh version and Opal has the sculpt version.

"She is beautiful," he said, referring to Alt#27.  "But I didn't lose hope to make you mine someday too."

Whoa!

That started a long conversation that is still unresolved.  It wove in and out, as I tried to figure out exactly what he wanted.

He likes watching female-female scenarios.  We tried it with one of his female alts, but it didn't feel right for me, so he aborted it, even though I was willing to go through it.  I wondered if it would feel more comfortable if both females were my alts.  He wasn't enthusiastic about the idea before, because he felt that I would still be doing something that I don't particularly enjoy.

But, now, he seems to be revisiting the idea.

I thought that if he just wanted a sex RP, I could use Alt#6.  He refused.  He said that she "belongs" to everybody and he doesn't want emotionless hard sex.  "i prefer more intimate relationships," he said.  I offered Alt#4, but he wants more than just RP.  I offered other alts that I don't use, and he said he'd like all of them.

His idea was to resurrect my sleeping alts, because he never liked the idea of putting avatars to sleep.  He puts so much of himself in his own alts, and he shivered at the idea that Alt#27 would be put to sleep if our relationship ended.  He feels it's like real death.  Of course, I objected that he shouldn't care what I do with her if he doesn't care about her anymore.

He said it was just a simple idea to pull my free alts into a "family."  He agrees that Opal would be more complicated because Opal is no longer anonymous, although he somewhat expressed a preference for Opal because she is the most "me" of all my alts.

To be honest, the whole thing was a big surprise.  He thinks it's no big deal.  But it seems that his idea of where we are is different from my idea of where we are.  I gave him the metaphor of a range from 0 to 10, where 0 means we are not involved, and 10 means we're married.  It seemed like (and these are random numbers) he thinks we're at 3 and he wants to go to 4.  Meanwhile, I think we're at 1, so it's a big jump from 1 to 4.  So, to him, his idea wasn't a big request.  But, to me, I'd have to rearrange my whole SL.

Last night, he logged in one of his female alts to give me a gift.  He had bought some nylons for me through her.  And, he started RPing as her, while I tried out the different colors.  And the conversation was very eye-opening.  Through the mask of a female alt, he spoke more freely.  He noticed I was calmer too.  And through that female alt, I gained a better understanding of a man who has been mostly a mystery to me.

And this past week, I'm beginning to see that we really are closer to "3" than to "1".  And I'm beginning to understand what I really mean to him.

The real gift

2012/04/02

Alt #27: Did it give it to you?

Wolfgang: i had a message to accept

Alt #27: kk
Alt #27: Did you accept?

Wolfgang: yes
Wolfgang: it is a bracelet and necklace

Alt #27: Yes.

Wolfgang: with some word written
Wolfgang: :)

Alt #27: /me smiles.
Alt #27: But that's not the real gift.

Opal Lei: I am the real gift.

[a minute's pause]

Wolfgang: You look very beautiful "my real gift" :)

At the bottom of my last post, I said that I'd introduce him to Opal after a week. So I created a custom set of the Ms.O.Lei-ny "Etched in Stone" jewelry set to give to him when that time came.  On it, I "engraved" the title I gave him, but that title had become more a term of endearment.  I put the set in a dispenser that would give out the contents when touched by Alt #27, and I set that dispenser down in my store.

We were only supposed to meet for a short time that night because I had a doctor's appointment early the next day.  If I went to bed at 4am, I would have four hours of sleep.  He was trying to assure me that we would have other times to spend together, so it was alright if I left early to get some sleep.  And he also mentioned that he would be away from SL for a week or so, so he gave me his email address so we could communicate by email.

I didn't have an email address for Alt #27.  I never thought I'd need one for her, so I offered him the email address for Alt #6 (the first sex alt).  He said he would like to see that avie, so I logged her in and he liked her.  He noticed that she is short like Alt #27, and he wondered if I was short irl too, so we converted feet to meters and meters to feet.

Then he asked whether I used voice with Alt #6.  And webcam.  And how it went. I said that I think that webcam would ruin the fantasy because I'm not pretty.  He asked me bluntly how I defined "pretty."  He already knew how old I am.  And, early on, he guessed that I had weight problems, which he intuited based on my behavior.  I asked him if that ruined the fantasy for him.  He simply said, "No, it didn't."

That made up my mind.  So I took him to the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, clicked on the gift dispenser, and logged Opal in.

After he met Opal, I sent him to my home in Aglia while I logged both Opal and Alt #27 off and logged in Alt #11 (my social alt).  I also introduced him to Alt #4 (my original RP alt) and to Treasure.  Meanwhile, he introduced me to his two female alts which he uses for modeling at a friend's store and for additional RP characters.  (I had already met his main male alt.)  Towards the end, he was emoting silly "notes" to himself about which of my alts to seduce and what his chances were at succeeding with each one.

It was already after 5:30am when I finally went to bed.

The next day, he talked about changing our RP relationship into non-BDSM.  It was my turn to panic.  It felt as though I was losing him.

He didn't like the idea that he was the only one getting pleasure out of it.  He didn't like that my character (and I) was always tearful.  I knew that he was being extra gentle with me in the RP to avoid triggering that unpleasant feeling again when I watched my avatar kneeling with a leash.

Maybe, after reading my first blog entry about him, he realized where I really stood in regards to BDSM.  Or maybe he now sees me more fully as he met the other "sides" of me and he understands why the symbols of BDSM affect me more strongly than most people.

I told him that I was getting my own pleasure from other parts of the relationship, even if not the D/s parts.  But he still believed that I did things only to please him even if those things were uncomfortable for me.  I reminded him that he also does certain things only to please me.  He insisted that pleasing me pleases him, so I asked him why it couldn't be the same way from my side.

Once, he half-jokingly boasted that, as gamemaster, he had caused some female RPers to have nightmares.  And yet, he wouldn't allow me to do things that are uncomfortable.  So I teased him about it and said that he must really like me a lot, if he makes me an exception.  He laughed and said that wasn't nice.  I think I hit him below the belt with that comment.  But I won that part of the argument.  ;)

He reminded me that I raised the point that maybe it's not the BDSM aspect that made our connection strong as he thought.  I said that maybe it's just the combination of him and me, because we each have intense personalities.  He said that switching to a non-BDSM relationship would prove or disprove my theory.

My worry is that a non-BDSM relationship would bore him and he'd spend less time with me and more time with someone else who actually enjoys BDSM.  Like the Captain did.

Anyway, the current plan is to transition out of the current RP into a non-BDSM relationship.  I am reluctant, even though I asked for it first.  The whole situation feels shaky.

Maybe we just need a new metaphor to anchor the relationship on.  And I had already been thinking of one....

I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man.  He's just a man....

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

Ji

I should have written about him a long time ago.  He had been a lover and friend for a few months now.

Since I (as Alt #11) met him, he wanted to be a lover, but during the first lovemaking, he had little habits that irritated me, specifically that he would RP what I would do and what I would feel.  It made me feel as though I was just a prop, like a blow-up doll, and that all he wanted from me was my avatar.

I was ready to end it, but he persisted.  He asked how he could be better.  I told him the reasons I was irritated.  The next time we met, he was more careful about what he said, more respectful, more considerate.  I was touched.  It touches me when men go out of their way to change themselves for me.  In his case, he didn't just change his avie for me; he changed his behavior.  I don't expect lovers to change their real selves for me; I usually just move on.  For what he did, I introduced him to Opal.

It was a long time after we met when we found something more substantial that we could talk about.  He started teaching me about Vedic astrology, which he knew a lot about.  I had been interested in learning about it for a while and I actually bought a book on it, but never found the time to read it.  I just found the book again recently.

Every lover brings something unique to the relationship.  Sometimes, it takes some time to find that something -- the unique filling in that dim sum, that brings the flavor to the relationship.

As I grew up, I learned that to "know" a person "in the Biblical sense" meant that to have sexual relationships with that person.  I don't think that was the correct translation.  I think to "know" someone is to love that person.  The deeper you know someone, the more you fall in love with them.

Holstein

He was just a newbie, when Alt #11 met him at Frank's.  He had a gorgeous black skin with a gentle face that I hadn't seen before.

[2011-07-24 20:44:55]  Holstein: btw - i'm only half black
[2011-07-24 20:45:01]  Alt #11 smiles.
[2011-07-24 20:45:28]  Holstein: the bottom half is white
[2011-07-24 20:45:36]  Alt #11: lmao
[2011-07-24 20:45:50]  Alt #11: At least you're not spotted like a cow!

Several weeks later, he called my attention to his real-life photo in the 1st Life tab of his profile.  He has fair skin.

[2011-08-03 02:55:30]  Alt #11: I thought you were black?
[2011-08-03 02:55:41]  Holstein: im half and half
[2011-08-03 02:55:59]  Alt #11: And the bottom half is black?  *giggles*
(I had to remind him of our old conversation.)
[2011-08-03 02:57:00]  Holstein: geez throwing my own jokes back at me

The day we met, he already wanted to be my lover.  I gave him a condition -- he had to ask his RL partner for permission.  After pondering it for days, he chose not to, because he was worried of how she would react.  So we decided to just be friends.

He had a partner in SL for a short while.  I had several lovers in the meantime.

But he remained sweet, and he almost always said hi when he saw me logged in.  He was always willing to "rescue" me from jerks I meet at Frank's. *grins*  He often called me "my love" and other terms of endearment.

Last month, I introduced him to Opal and, by extension, my RL.  He said, "The more I know about you the more I like."

For Christmas, he gave me a white stole.  So I took this picture for him:


Yesterday, I learned that he and his RL partner no longer live together.  But he said he wasn't hitting on me, because he worries "that it may ruin what we have."  But he wanted more time, so he couldn't be just another friend.

[2012/01/08 00:50:41]  Alt #11: Even without sex, I consider you a lover starting today.
[2012/01/08 00:51:10]  Holstein: awwwww thank you my sweet lady - well it is appropriate because i do love you
[2012/01/08 00:51:24]  Alt #11: I have to warn you though.... I blog.  ;)
[2012/01/08 00:51:55]  Holstein: thats ok my dear i have nothing to hide
[2012/01/08 00:52:25]  Alt #11: It's okay, I don't use SL names or RL names.  And I already have a nickname for you.
[2012/01/08 00:52:29]  Alt #11: :D
[2012/01/08 00:52:46]  Holstein: what is my nickname?
[2012/01/08 00:52:50]  Alt #11: /me giggles.
[2012/01/08 00:52:55]  Alt #11: Holstein
[2012/01/08 00:53:01]  Holstein: ???????????
[2012/01/08 00:53:04]  Alt #11: It's the cattle breed that's black and white.  *giggles*
[2012/01/08 00:53:15]  Holstein: lmao

A year ago today

[2010/11/25 01:13]
Alt#11: This is your first SL account?
Rocky: No I've been here before ... a very long time ago
Alt#11: You left and came back?
Rocky: Yes . . . Have been away for several years.
Rocky: Couldn't even remember the old account name
Rocky: LOL
Alt#11 smiles.
Alt#11: Love affair gone wrong?
Rocky: OMG how sad is it that I could be so predictable
Alt#11: LOL
Alt#11: Well, it's almost always the reason why people leave SL.
Rocky: How about You? ... an alt or original
Alt#11: Alt #11 actually.
Rocky: OMG
Alt#11 grins.
Rocky: Does that mean you've had your heart broken 10 times already?
Alt#11: If I left every time my heart got broken, I'd have maybe about 50 alts by now.

If I left every time my heart got broken, I'd be creating a new alt right about now.

Left the pilgrim and echoes of a lover

Left the pilgrim

I already knew about the lies.  I already knew the two pilgrims were lovers.  I also knew that their relationship was a D/s one.  And I knew that the blonde dom had a female lover as well.  However, I also sensed that Alt #11's presence in the sub's life was causing a rift between them.  I didn't trust the dom; he didn't trust me.  I was trying to explain why my presence wasn't good for them, when the sub suddenly started being verbally abusive.  So I said goodbye and logged off.


Echoes of a lover

Since then, I've met two men who have too much in common with Rocky that I had to ask if I had met them before.

Echo #1 met Alt #6.  He's very new to SL and his artistic profile prompted me to IM him.  He was actually a techie.  I was planning to transfer him over to Alt #11 by the second date, but we had a misunderstanding that gave me second thoughts, so I decided to delay the transfer.  He was worried about the disappointment if we should meet irl.  And for him, a relationship in SL*has* to flow out to real life; it couldn't just stay in SL.  So, we agreed to end it there.  I was crying.

Interestingly, I was very upset about it for a few days.  I was upset about the "breakup" for longer than the duration of the affair.  But I knew it wasn't him or that relationship that I was upset about, but old issues cropping up because of it.  And the ache of missing the one he reminded me of.

Echo #2 met Alt #11.  For several reasons that I won't go into, I fear that this one might even be linked closer to Rocky in real life than any of us could imagine.  And he lived in the exact same city where I once lived, and synchronicity like that makes me sit up and pay attention.  When he used an expression that Rocky loves to use, I freaked out.  When I explained that it was an expression a lover uses, Echo #2 said he wouldn't use it again.

That first night, he wanted to be one of my lovers.  We even did a roleplay of him filling out an application and of me interviewing him for the position.  On the second date, I bought one of his RL photographs for my art collection, then we explored a monastery and a castle, then we made love.

But I couldn't feel a connection, even though I tried.  It felt as though there was a psychological wall.  He was nice, he was polite, but there was no emotional openness.  I suspect he's still deeply in love with his ex-partner, whom he says is now married in real life.  They were still business partners in SL until the next day after our second date.  He said that she wanted to get out of the rental business and so he took over the land she owns.  I wondered if he had told her about me, which prompted her decision to untangle.

We were supposed to meet again tonight, but he stood me up.  I logged in at 9pm and wrote him an offline at 10:30pm.  At 11pm, as I was about to log off, he replied to my offline via email and said he had just arrived home. Now, I have second thoughts about this one too.


I'm pretty sure it's me.  I just don't have that fire anymore.  Maybe it's the hysterectomy.  Maybe I really don't have time or patience to start over with new lovers, because I have more pressing real-life needs.  Maybe what I really need these days is not the excitement of a new affair, but solace from an old love.

If only the old loves would log back in.




"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away..."

The lost pilgrim

August had been significant in my Second Life.  This past August, I thought it was the disaster with 6969 that was the change in SL.  What I didn't realize was that there was something else as well.

The same day I met 6969, I met two pilgrims who followed me up a mountain and through a labyrinth.  The next day, both pilgrims contacted me separately at the same time and we had another quick but funny exchange with the blonde sending us pictures of him doing the belly dance.

With a trip and the affair with 6969, I didn't find reason to log in as Alt #11 for a long while.

Last Sunday, in between the Burn2 temple burns, I logged into Alt #11 since I was too wound up to nap.  Besides, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to wake up in time for the 3am burn.

I found the Irishman online and said hi, which was lucky for him because he was figuring out why he lost his legs after taking off his boots.  After we got that sorted out, we sat down at Kannonji for a chat.

He said that he and the blonde had gotten together and became lovers.  The blonde is polyamorous and has other lovers.  And it sounded as though the Irishman wanted to be one of my lovers as well.  "You were the person I most wanted to see again here at SL," he said.  So, he was going to ask the blonde if it was alright with him.

The blonde said no.

I don't know how the conversation went, but that was that.  I asked if the blonde would allow us to remain friends.  The Irishman said it was fine; in fact, he thought that the blonde was also "smitten" with me.  But I had the feeling that he was broken-hearted.  He was torn.  He adored the blonde; he said so repeatedly.  And he adored me.

It didn't matter to me.  From my perspective, we simply wouldn't have SLex. It would still be more than a casual friendship, so I'd make time for it.  He asked if I would ever spend time with both of them at the same time.  I told him that I don't really have time for casual get-togethers, but I would make time for climbing the mountain again.

That conversation happened yesterday.  This morning, I realized that, if I continued to see the Irishman alone, it would eventually undermine their relationship, so I left him an offline.  The blonde was online so I tried to contact him, but he wasn't responding and I had to go.

So I went through my day, then in the evening, I checked email and found messages from both of them.  The blonde said yes to meeting.  The Irishman said the blonde left him for his female lover, and he added that he was leaving SL and he said his goodbyes.

It upset me unexpectedly.  All I could think of was going back to the mountain, and I walked up it without stopping.  I was on a pilgrimage again.  At the entrance to the labyrinth, I cried.  I hardly know him, but I still felt deep sadness.  I walked the labyrinth.  It was a prayer for him to heal.  I sent him a message that I walked it for him.  Afterwards, I stood just outside the labyrinth and reminisced.

Not long after, he logged in and responded.  I tried to teleport him; he refused to come.  Thinking it was the memories associated with the mountain, I went to Kannonji.  He still refused to come.  But in the conversation, he happened to mention he was in Dublin because it was at least somewhat familiar.  I searched for the Dublin sim and teleported there.  Then I found him with the radar and teleported there.  He was sitting on the bridge, so I sat next to him.  And we talked.

I found out about the lies.  He and the blonde had been lovers long before SL, and the blonde had told him to pretend that they didn't know each other when we met.  He had told me about the D/s nature of their relationship.  Tonight, I learned about the abuse from his childhood.  I learned about his deep love for the blonde, about the last time the blonde left him, about his attempted suicide, about his hopeless dreams for a future with him.  I was crying the whole time.

He said he was leaving "this world."  I made him promise not to take his life, and he promised.  In the end, he promised to send me a message that he was okay.  He wasn't going to take anything electronic with him, but I suggested that he send a postcard to his friend in the UK and ask her to send me an email.  He agreed.

Then he left.  On a new pilgrimage perhaps.  To heal.

How Opal got her groove back

I didn't take him seriously. I still don't know if I can take him seriously.

He met Alt #11 at Frank's. He was one of three who IM'd me at about the same time, but he was the first to ask me to dance.

He wasn't even wearing a tux. When he finally changed (while we were dancing, btw), he still had sneakers on.

He thought Alt #11's name was "imaginative and beautiful". His 1st Life tab had pretty much everything about him, succinct but complete -- his RL first name, what he does, where he lives, his philosophy about SL ("RL = SL"), and the picture of a very good-looking and charming young man with a mischievous smile a la Hugh Grant. He's two whole decades my junior.

He taught me how to cuss in German. I teased him about his naughty name. (He explained the very innocent origin of the name, however. The numbers were his post code.)

"So, what brought you to SL?" I asked.

"well, I was interested in using it in the classroom initially, but now I've moved on to sex... ;-)" was his reply.

We joked, we laughed. He talked as though he were certain that we were going to have a relationship. I tried to convince him that he wouldn't want a relationship with me. And his responses were very insightful and very caring that they surprised me pleasantly. Many times I wondered if he was giving me lines I just hadn't heard before. Before the night ended, I talked to him on Skype, which showed his full real life name.

We weren't on Skype long before he suddenly logged off. He didn't come back and no communication for days. I got nervous. The most logical scenario that came to mind was that he was actually underage and he was caught by his sister having virtual sex, so he was grounded and not allowed on the computer for days. This was based on a couple of things he said about his house-sharing arrangement.

When he logged back in, he explained that they had a three-hour power outage and he just couldn't log back in since. I told him what I assumed happened and explained why. We were on Skype and, as he was trying to explain that what he had said was the truth, I heard something in his voice. I heard pain -- the pain of a child being falsely accused.

It was very brief. I don't think my conscious mind even picked it up; only my intuition. And I wasn't expecting that impression. I was too pissed and too nervous about the possibility that I almost had sex with someone who's underage. But there it was. And it came with a sense of certainty that he was, in fact, telling me the truth.

The next time we met, he crashed. Another time, he was interrupted and had to go. We saw each other maybe once or twice a week. I didn't think the affair would go anywhere.

But when he said he was falling for me, I figured I'd reveal my RL and "nip it in the bud." He laughed when I said that, but he was very kind when he saw my RL. So I figured we'd just be friends with privileges.

Then I went to Oakland, California to attend SLCC. My mind was occupied by the workshop I was giving at SLCC, but I had also emailed Rocky to see if I could meet him there. During the first few days, I had a strong sense of someone aching for me. I thought it was Rocky but I also sensed this new lover. So when he said that he missed me badly since I left, I believed him.

Early on, he asked if I had been partnered and I explained Alt #9's partnership. I added that I take partnerships seriously and that Opal will only be partnered if I'm engaged irl. The previous night, he talked about wanting to get me pregnant. Last night, he half-joked about preserving my honor by partnering with me first. I gave him Alt #23 for privacy, but he wants Opal, because he wants to be my lover publicly.

He said that I bewitched him, that I drive him mad. I don't know what I did to incite such passion. But it wasn't the first time either, which is why I worry. I broke a young man's heart before, and I worry that I'd have to do it again.

Until last night, I didn't think this affair would go anywhere. So I figured there was no point writing about him. But if the conversation is already going into partnerships, I'm sitting up and paying attention. But he agreed we have a lot to talk about first, before we even decide on partnering.

/me ponders whether to change her display name to "Demi".

(No, Liebling, your nickname won't be "sexgod" ... yet.)

Impromptu pilgrimage

I was looking for solace yesterday. "I" was Alt #11. I had a bad experience with a would-be lover which brought up issues that have their roots in my childhood.

First, I went to the Basilica Cardinale. It didn't feel right. Then, I thought of going to the Kannonji Zen Center, so I looked for it in Search. But as I did, I found another place called the "Kundalini Awakening Information Center" and I decided to go there instead to see what it was like.

I landed at the foot of a mountain by the water. I noticed another dot on the minimap, so I moved to the opposite end of the beach. There were many objects that gave information when touched, and I was looking at them when he said "Hello" in public chat.

He was a very pale-skinned young man with long blonde hair that went down to his waist. He wore a black leather jacket that was open in the front and matching black pants. He mentioned a school of Buddhism that he was "drawn to" but he looked more like a goth vampire with blonde hair than a Buddhist monk.

We had only been chatting for ten minutes when someone else teleported in. The newcomer was just as pale as the blonde, but with dark messy hair. He's less than a month old and we had to help him turn off his typing animation.

Their avatars had the same feel to them, and I initially thought that they could be alts of the same person. But they couldn't be more different.

As I as camming around the sim earlier, I found a sacred labyrinth at the top of the mountain and I noticed a path spiraling up the side of the mountain. I decided I would walk up mountainside path and walk the labyrinth. After all, the sacred labyrinth was supposed to be walked as a form of meditation.

The blonde told us about the jetskis which could be rezzed from a billboard by the dock, before he himself took off in a jetski wearing his "church clothes". I invited the dark-haired one to join me on my trek. He was worried that he would be bumping against objects along the way, but I told him he could use the trek to practice walking, so he tagged along. The blonde got tired of the jetski quickly and decided to join us anyway.

So, up the mountain path we went, with me in the lead, sashaying in my ultra-high heels and white haute couture knee-length dress, which would have been more appropriate on a catwalk than a mountain path.

The mountain wasn't bare. There were places to sit and meditate along the way. A tree with a pillow at the base and more meditation pillows higher up. A series of yoga mats. A few altars. An office. A tea house. A wall to bang your head against.

At each one, we stopped and tried the pillows and the poses and I learned more about the two men. The blonde lives in the southeast US, claims to be "nocturnal" (it was almost 3am his time), and is a performer (singer and dancer). The dark-haired one is Irish, hadn't slept all night, and ought to be a comedian.

Our conversation went from the sublime(chakras) to the mundane (knickers).

"Look, I'm levitating! I'm a boddhisatva!" said the Irishman, sitting on one of the meditation cushions on a branch, after climbing the tree with a radioactive-green bottle of absinthe in his hand. Only ten minutes earlier, he said, "Oh, believe me, absinthe can be a very spiritual thing when used properly." :D

The Irishman complimented me almost as often as he took a friendly jab at the blonde. And the blonde held his own with his dry wit.

It was at the tea house when I realized that we were actually on a pilgrimage of sorts. Three people who had absolutely nothing in common, except we were all "spiritual seekers" in a virtual world, who happened to come to the same place at the same time. Had we chosen to teleport directly to the labyrinth or to fly up the mountain, we wouldn't have had the experience we had. We would have missed enjoying each other's company. As the Irishman said, "It's all in the journey."

When we reached the top of the mountain, the two men were still batting back and forth about knickers, so I told them we would have to walk the labyrinth in silence. I declared that it was the most spiritual part of the pilgrimage. They agreed.

Then we walked into the labyrinth. All the way to the center, then all the way out.

Somehow, when we came out, the air had changed. *We* had changed. The men resumed their bantering, but, this time, it felt friendlier and less competitive. Some experiences change us inside; this one subtly did. I cannot yet define how, but I am certain that it did.

Had I gone up the mountain alone, it would have been a different experience. Had I gone up with only one of the men, it would have been another experience. But all three of us going up created a synergistic energy with its own unique imprint.

We started out as three strangers at the foot of the mountain and ended up as friends at the top.

Shared experiences. Shared accomplishments. These are what bind strangers together. These are what virtual worlds are about.

The Poet and broken promises

The Poet

It was just after midnight and I thought I'd hang out at Frank's for a couple of hours before going to bed at 2am, which would give me a good eight hours of sleep before my teleconference.

I was in Alt #11 (as usual these days) in a dark marine blue gown standing by the staircase away from the crowds. Avies came and passed right by and headed to the bar area where most of the people stood. Except one. He walked by, stopped a meter or two away.

I had seen him at Frank's before; his name was familiar. Since he was the only one close to me, I figured I'd check out his profile. I'd also perved his profile before; his RL pic was familiar. Since he had ignored me before, I thought he'd scan my profile, then move on towards the crowd. He didn't. Instead, I heard a ding-ding.

He said something about reading "the thoughtful profile of the quiet lady in green." And I emoted something about looking around for a lady in green. My gown was blue. (It was several hours later, when we went to another sim, that he realized my gown was really blue. I told him I just thought he was color-blind like 70% of men supposedly are. *grins*)

Then he moved closer and stood by me as we talked. For more than two hours, that was all we did -- talk. It wasn't hurried like my usual conversations. It wasn't lazy and laid back like the ones that bore me. Instead, it was deeply thoughtful and -- I'd even say -- hypnotic.

It was as though he always spoke in metaphors. In poetry. His words were full of colorful images, glimpses of magical moments that existed only in the mind.

There was a lot of silences in between, which is also rare in my conversations. They weren't just comfortable silences, they were comfortable pregnant silences. Full of essence.

More than twice, he had hinted at an emotional intimacy that I hadn't even decided on yet. It was as though he had already decided to be my lover. I shushed him. He said he was following his intuition.

For the first hour and a half, I wasn't connecting. I was observing this man who had so obviously fallen for me and I don't understand why. I didn't even buy it. Then he said something that wasn't even significant, except that at the time he said it, I felt a psychic switch, as though I had a paradigm shift. Suddenly, I felt a connection. Suddenly, I grokked him.

We had been talking for two hours before we decided to dance and we went out to the deck by the water. It was only for a few minutes. He wanted to talk by voice, so we went to another sim, which had lots of waterfalls.

We continued to talk. He read me a poem that he had written many years before, inspired by a dream of a green field, and describing an idyllic romantic scene. He had lost it and discovered it again recently. When he read it, it felt as though he was making love to me, and there was nothing sexual about the poem at all. It wasn't the words of the poem, but the sound of his voice and the fact that he was reading it to me. In fact, at that point, it felt as though we had already made love all night.

Much later, he said something -- I can't even remember what it was -- maybe it was a description of a touch. Something very simple and benign. And suddenly, I was very unexpectedly having my first orgasm of the night, without even having touched myself.

To my surprise, after that first lovemaking, he played "Blue Moon" on the piano for me. He said that he improvised and he always played a song a different way each time. So that rendition was unique and for my ears only, and no one else would hear it exactly that way again.

It was already 9:30 am when we started saying goodnight. He was already late for work.

In those nine hours,
* He learned about my alts.
* He sent a friendship request to Opal.
* He revealed his full RL name.
* I revealed my RL identity.
* He saw my RL picture. (He has his in his profile.)
* We had sex three times.
* We voiced.
* We webcammed.
* We agreed to meet irl in April/May.

"It's all very rl to me," he said. This is an RL affair. And I must be crazy but I agreed to give it a try.

Btw, when I logged into Opal afterwards, I accepted his friendship and was going to write the date in the Notes tab (which I do with everyone I meet), when I realized I already had something there. It said, "2009 March 10 at Apollo. Walked away with someone else as I IM'd him."

When I looked in my chat logs for that day, it had the following just after 3am:
Opal Lei: The total and perfect romance is not out there. It's all in our heads. *sigh*
Poet: hearts and souls too, if beautifully opened
Opal Lei smiles.


Broken promises

Well, in the middle of that first lovemaking, I realized I had broken a promise. Two promises, in fact.

At 8am, Lucky Bastard logged in. I told him I was with someone at the moment and he left me alone. But the Poet and I said our goodbyes, LB was still online so I IM'd him, asked if he remembered my promise to give him first dibs after my surgery, explained I had given that opportunity to someone else, and begged for forgiveness. He asked for a minute to think whether to forgive me or not. After the minute, he said, "I forgive you... because you are honest with me."

There's a lot of reasons why this man is my #1; that forgiveness is just one more of those reasons. He was himself again after that and he jokingly asked if it was another 15-hour marathon. When I said it was only nine or ten hours, he said I had a quickie then. :D

I have yet to talk to Surf about the promise I broke.


The rest of my "lovers" seem to have faded away, except Hot Wings who still says hi when he's around. Maybe the rest gave up after they found out I couldn't have sex for a while, and that's fine.

These three primary lovers cover all the bases. I think I'll stop taking on any more for now. The fact that this third one is an RL one is scary to me. So I have a lot of issues to deal with.... assuming I don't bore him before the third date.


Old bear

Another old lover pinged me last night and got caught up on my love affairs. I called him "Bear" because of a picture he used once for his profile pic. It was a picture of a brown bear, which said, "An old bear and his honey live here."

He copied out the three notes he wrote in my profile. The first one was about the day we met. The second one was a reminder to himself to take me to Simone to get me a formal gown. The third one was about the day we broke up.

Since he had to go, I promised him an email explaining why I now allow myself to have affairs with married men.

It was a very long email. :)

A day full of lovers

Facebook poke

First, there was a poke in Facebook from a lover from the distant past. I told him to quit poking and come into SL. He agreed that he should, complimented my avatar, and asked a few questions about how my SL was doing. I sent him a long reply. :)


An exchange

In the early afternoon, "Surf" logged in and spent time with me. We were just chatting about random things, like why I have a separate Facebook account for my SL and for my RL. Then he sent me his picture. I declined. He sent it again. And again. I finally accepted.

He has a sweet face with a warm tender smile and sad eyes. So I became indebted. This was the man who waited eleven months to be with me, and he still couldn't believe I consider him a lover. I couldn't leave that gesture unreciprocated. I told him that he could see my picture after we exchange RL info. So, after he sent me his picture, I gave him the link to my personal website. He crashed while browsing, as he thought he would. I waited for him to log back in. When he did, the first words he said were, "You are amazing." He had already quickly scanned my photography site as well. Then he gave me his RL name and a couple of websites linked to him, although he had shrunk his internet footprint, so that was all he had. But he promised that if he reinstates his Facebook account, he'd definitely friend me there.

There was an initial apprehension on my part when we agreed to exchange RL info. I warned him that it could ruin his fantasy. When he got back from browsing, he said that it didn't. But I'll wait and see. I've seen men say that in the heat of desire, and then never show up again.

But it felt comfortable with him. I was only worried about how it would affect his desire for me, not about anything else. It's amazing when you discover that there's already trust there, and someone could love you for who you are inside. He's an RL friend now; we've established that. And it feels nice and warm and comforting and loving.


A short respite

In the evening, "Lucky Bastard" came back. He logged in while I was with Surf and asked him if I could meet him later. He had a long day today, was very tired, and would have another long one tomorrow, but he came back anyway. He doesn't understand how something so simple as that could mean so much to me.

I've been abandoned too many times in SL. Men who refuse to say when they would be in again because it feels like a burden to them; men who say they would come at a certain time and never do. That's the norm.

But that's not him. If he said he would be in, he came in. He might be late, but I always knew that there was a very good reason why.

We talked a bit about business today. And I had to stop him from doing too much for me. I emphasized that I only needed him to give me advice, not to do my research for me too. It's just the way he is. Then we talked about animations and I showed him the Sculpties Mall. With a lot of hugs and kisses interspersed throughout the conversation.

He couldn't stay long, but that was enough for now. My hunger for him is appeased for a while.


About last night

It's strange how these two romances are in stark contrast to a conversation I had with someone else just last night. Let's call him "Spot".

He pinged Alt #11 at Frank's the previous night. He was very gentlemanly, highly intelligent, compassionate, emotional, comfortable with talking, and we had a lot in common. It was a very friendly and interesting conversation with almost no reference to sex. He didn't want sex in SL; he didn't want romances in SL. He is unattached in real life and he wanted the real thing.

However, he played with three women during his early months in SL. And he fell for another woman that he still seemed very attached to. He thought that he was over her, until he talked to me. And he talked about her constantly. I figured, since he wasn't interested in me, maybe my role was to be Dr. Phil. So, I told him the story about the monks crossing the river, and he laughed when I asked him why he was still carrying her. He had heard the story before, but I supposed it surprised him that it applied to his situation.

And I was similarly surprised when he asked if he could add me as a friend and what time I was usually in. So we agreed to meet the next night, which was last night.

At first, it was like the previous night. Lots of witty banter. Learning about each other. And then the conversation went into trust. The previous night, he had promised to be brutally honest with me and that he would keep my secrets. But last night, it felt as though he was looking for a loophole.

Suddenly, I realized that he didn't believe anything I said and I couldn't trust anything he said. And if I couldn't trust anything he said, how could I trust his promises? And that meant I was at a very vulnerable position after I had revealed so much about myself. Maybe it was a good thing that he didn't trust anything I said either, but I still felt very vulnerable. So, I started saying goodnight, making the excuse that it's very late for him anyway. I had to cut my losses.

But he challenged me. He said that it was very interesting that I would say goodnight at that point in the conversation. And as we continued arguing, he changed the dance into a slow one where he was holding me close. I commented on it.

He said that, sometimes, doing the paradoxical thing was the right thing to do. He added that "people need to be reminded sometimes why they're fighting."

I asked why *we* were fighting. His reply was, "well people in relationships are fighting to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."

I argued that he and I were not in a relationship. He agreed and said, "So I have no idea why I had this idea to do this."

I was ready to walk away. Why did he hold me back?

Suddenly, he was very nice and sweet. The song "My One and Only Love" played on the stream and he typed out the lyrics in chat as though he was singing it to me. I succumbed and mellowed out. Then we said goodnight.

He wants only RL. I want only SL. And he still carries one other in his mind. A lot of things would have to happen before he could be a lover:
1. We'd have to learn to trust each other. We can't even have a friendship without trust.
2. One of us would have to give in about the SL/RL thing.
3. He has to stop carrying her in her mind, or go back and carry her across the river so he could set her down; otherwise, our conversations would always be about her.
4. He has to be willing to carry *me* across the river, and, at this point, he's not willing to cross that river with anyone in SL.

So, it's not gonna happen. And that's a good thing. So I have more time to focus on my current ones. The ones who fill my heart.

Minding my age

Sometimes, someone says something that rubs me the wrong way. Last night, a young man (who admitted being half my age) said to Alt #11, "i dont worry if ur 40 and divorced."

I bristled.

By saying that he doesn't mind my age, he implied that being in my 40's and divorced somehow makes me less desirable.

I told him that his comment made me feel insulted. I didn't put that information in my profile to apologize for being older. I put it there to attract older men, or at least to attract men who actually enjoy -- and not just settle for -- women in their 40s.

So I wished him goodnight and ended the conversation.

To his credit, he apologized and said that he didn't mean it that way. Some people are not aware of their own prejudices.

I'm not saying all young men think that way either. Just a couple of weeks ago, I met a very sweet (and very flirty) 18-year-old at the same place, and he flatters me. In fact, he's one of my new would-be lovers, but I haven't mentioned him in this blog til now. I don't think it'll get deep, however, but the flirtations are charming. His nickname? "Hot Wings". ;)

The Igloo, the Surf, and the hermit

Maybe it was out of spite because "6-Minute Dancer" didn't come in at 7pm that evening as he said he would. But I took Alt #11 out again and met someone new again.


Igloo

It was already past midnight when he finally got the courage to IM me. He said he was waiting for the other guy who was standing next to me to leave. Like "6-Minute", he remarked about the comment I had in my 1st Life tab. At the start of the conversation, he was chatting as though we were buddies, but, towards the end, his tone had changed.

"I have met a lot of people in SL," he said. "You take the cake."

I was explaining why I have multiple alts and he said I was complicated. We talked about a lot of things. He was reluctant to reveal much about him so soon. So I did most of the talking. We talked about my lovers, about my work in SL.

"Ever considered living in an igloo?" he asked out of the blue.

By the end of the dance, we kinda had an understanding that he would be one of my lovers and that we would buy an igloo to live in.


Surf

"Surf" is not really a new friend. I met him almost a year ago, while updating my vendors and paying rent at Surf Camp. He was very new. Somehow, he offended me with something he said. To apologize, he bought a bikini set from me. But since it wasn't transferable, he essentially lost his money. But he was a good enough sport and offered to put it on. His arrogance turned me off.

However, since then, every time he saw me, he would say that mine was still the best avie he had ever seen in SL.

Then a few months ago, he said, "You are very complex and I want to consume you." Well, I didn't want to be consumed, so there'd be nothing left of me, so I avoided him.

When I first met him, he was about to have surgery. And now that I've had one, although a different one, it feels as though we now have something that binds us. I suppose I've softened towards him. And suddenly, he pulls back. In spite of all the chasing he had been doing, now that I turn around and pay attention, he is suddenly scared. I told him that I think he's afraid of me because he knows that an experience with me would transform him. And yet, he can't stay away.

"It's like you have kryptonite and I am Superman," he said.

Well, he'd be one of the lovers I'd ravish at the end of my fast.


So, what's wrong?

Five lovers. The Captain, the Lucky Bastard, the 6-Minute Dancer, the Igloo, and the Surf. Except for the Igloo which was a more casual feel to it, the other four have strong emotions involved. Too strong. And I have no outlet.

I'm having a spat with 6-Minute Dancer and I'm not handling it well. It feels like a break-up and I have this urge to crawl under a rock and die. To begin with, my intuition screams for me to run away from him anyway, just like I felt after the first kiss, because he would break my heart. But, at the same time, I know that, if I left now, I would be the young monk and carry him around for a long time.

I am overwhelmed. All these strong emotions that I feel for each of them overwhelms me. I am losing my balance.

So I'm thinking of being a hermit again. At least until my fast is over. But I don't know. I have made too many commitments to just disappear. I'll have to think this through. I just know I need to get centered.

6-minute dance

"You rezzed quickly," he said after eleven hours. "And you tended to stay on the edge, away from the crowd." He was talking about how Alt #11 caught his eye at Frank's. It would be another four hours after that comment before we finally said goodnight.

At 9pm the previous night, he sent an IM almost as soon as I got settled on a spot at Frank's. I had just IM'd my sister that it was cloudy at Frank's, referring to the many unrezzed avatars there.

His first IM was that he thought my 1st Life tab comment was hilarious. And the conversation started. His avie had a unique face. Something about the face reminded me of my favorite uncle, and it was eerily realistic. I asked him where the skin was from, but he refused to divulge that information unless I danced with him. I agreed. But I warned him that if he didn't give me the information in the first five minutes, I would leave. He figured he'd have at least a 6-minute dance.

The 6-minute dance lasted 15 hours, from 9pm to noon the next day.

He is very sweet and very romantic. He showered me with compliments the entire time, and he is disappointed that I don't seem to be as enamored of him as he is of me. Yet, twice, he himself dared to declare that I love him. Then a few minutes later, he'd display this insecurity and behave as though I had rejected him. It was like talking to two different people!

We were just chatting -- animatedly, if I might add -- then we kissed. Five hours into the dance. And the world changed. I was reeling. It was so intense that I was losing myself. I had to pull away.

Then he called it a "basic light friendship kiss." I was livid. That comment felt like a slap on the face. I accused him of playing with me; he said I was playing with him "on the same premise."

My emotions were pulling me both ways. I wanted to get up and leave. On the other hand, a part of me questioned the intensity of the anger. If there was nothing there, I wouldn't have cared and I would have just left right away. Yet I hesitated. As though he could read my mind, he broke the silence with "... and if we were truly playing, we would both have left hours ago."

At that point, he became my lover. He knows I have two others and he was fine with that.

There was something about that intensity. There is a tremendous force pulling us together, even as we both try to pull away. I try to pull away because I fear losing myself. I think he tries to pull away because he thinks I don't reciprocate.

The whole thing reminds me of another encounter a long time ago. Similar intensity. Similar push-pull.

6-day binge

The horse carriage happened. :D OMG, I was so weak afterwards.

We decided I'd do voice even if he couldn't because he doesn't have a mic. He had never done voice with anyone before. And I thought he had never roleplayed before, but he did very well. OMG Too well.

He indulges me. I asked him to change his shape, he did without argument. He cuddled with me afterwards for a long while. I warned him that it was the point where we would bond, and he was fine with it, as though he *did* want to bond. Whenever possible, he would request that I be on voice; he loves listening to my voice. When he's sweet and romantic, it's not because it's a prelude to sex. He's sweet and romantic, just because.

We both wanted the same things. We both didn't want exclusivity, but I wanted him all to myself for a while, and I told him so. But it was time for him to leave and that gave me a bit of time to think. When he logged back in the evening, we had a talk. I rescinded my request because it would be unfair to him. I can't hold him for a couple of months when I couldn't be here myself.

Then I told him the story of the two monks and the woman by the river. I told him that Buddhists believe that the reason we keep reincarnating is because of our desires that keep us attached to this existence. So I didn't want to be that young monk. I wanted to indulge my desires.

I wanted to binge on him.

He understood.

So, he'd give me exclusivity for the next 6 days, or at least whenever he could log in. And that makes me happy. I'm getting my 6-day binge.

Personal boundaries

Before I start, I just wanted to give an update. Racer and I went our separate ways because he said that, if I would not be his love slave, he didn't want me. So that was that.

New lover

But now, I have a new lover, also with Alt #11. I danced with this one before and I thought it wasn't going to develop into anything. But he saw me today at Sweethearts again when he logged in. (Apparently, he doesn't leave Sweethearts.) And almost immediately, he asked me to dance even though I was already in IM with two other guys. So I said I was going to wrap up my convos first. He waited. Both the other two also asked me for a dance but I said I was already asked. One of them actually waited for hours, hoping to get a dance afterwards, until he finally gave up and went to bed.

Even though he was already sleepy, new lover stayed with me for hours, and somehow the conversation felt as though we were negotiating terms for a romantic and sexual relationship. We went to Sunset Jazz then to the Africa sim for a balloon ride. I've been to the Africa sim many times before. A lover introduced me to that sim. However, I had never taken the balloon ride before today, and the last time I went on any rides with a lover was on the now-gone Acropolis sims.

I'll call this lover "Victor", because I told him that his avie (with the tux he was wearing today) looks like a Victorian gentleman, which somehow made me think of being ravished inside a horse carriage. Yeah, we'll be trying that RP sometime. *winks*

(Update: I'm changing his nickname to "Lucky Bastard" because, when he asked me for a dance, one of the convos I had to wrap up called him that. And after my week-long binge I gave him a custom "Etched" set with those words on it, as a thank you gift.)

Anyway, after he logged off, I logged in as Opal and decided to go to Franks since I was still dressed in that new gorgeous red gown that I bought from Son!a's for New Year's.

Boundaries

I was standing quietly in the corner by the stairs, checking out profiles when I suddenly got an IM that said:

[2011/01/01 23:58] Flirt Sorciere puts some mistletoe over head and boldly kisses her while saying "Happy New Year"!

That pissed me off. I wanted to choke him. Instead, I said, "You can easily get slapped that way."

How would you feel if you were just quietly standing in public and a complete stranger comes up behind you and kisses you? It's a transgression in my personal space. I'd consider that a form of rape. He didn't even give me a chance to react and prevent him from kissing me. Even the vampire in the Africa sim at least asked for my permission first.

Some people would say it's just SL. I'd say how is that different? Just because I'm in SL and my avatar is just made of pixels, it doesn't mean anybody can do with my avatar as they pleased.

This guy's rez date was recent, so I asked if this was his first account in SL. He replied "no". If he were a real newbie, I would have forgiven him. I would have thought that he just didn't know what the proper etiquette is in SL. But if he's been in SL a while, that behavior is inexcusable.

If he did that in real life to a complete stranger, his face would be slapped, his foot stomped on, and his balls kneed. And deservedly so. And if I had a boyfriend with me, he would probably have been beaten to a pulp too.

The guy disappeared soon after. I guess he finally realized what he did was not welcomed at all.

Racer

I took Alt #11 to Bogart's yesterday. I've been sick since I got back home from my holiday travels and I was feeling miserable. I just needed company.

Actually, I was standing outside Bogart's cam-snooping inside to see who was there and perving people's profiles. Suddenly, I heard a ding-ding. It was a message from someone I couldn't even see inside the ballroom. It turned out he was standing next to me outside the ballroom.

He was very direct. He asked me to dance with that first message. I agreed, he thanked me, and he started walking into the ballroom. I asked him if he realized he had no shoes on. He apologized and said that he was distracted. And the shoes he put on were sneakers. Well, he wasn't wearing a tux. He was wearing a shirt and tie with light colored pants, so I guess the sneakers weren't so out of place.

And he goes fast. Within five minutes of agreeing to dance with him, I learned he's divorced, how long he was married, how many kids he has, and how old he is. Two more minutes and I knew what he does for a living. It's not that I ask him these things; he volunteered them, almost as though he's going through a checklist. Three more minutes and he was asking for a kiss on the lips. I told him I prefer to go slower and kept the conversation on the work he does.

Because of his work, he is not in SL much during the summer. I asked if his romantic affairs usually ended when summer started. He said he had no romances and not many friends either, because "here are many stupid persons and not sincere." Then he added, "i like a woman sincere, sweet and sensual... i think you are all this." I asked him how he knew. This was 20 minutes after we met. He said it was by intuition that he knew.

He asked for the kiss again. I told him he moves fast. He said he drives race cars, so, yes, he moves fast. But after I emoted one, he said he would like to cuddle. I told him, "But at this speed, you'll want sex before we say goodnight." He promised that he's a gentleman.

About 35 minutes after we met, he had already indicated that he wanted to be my bf, he had told me his RL first name, and he had sent me his RL picture. He's a handsome man (the second handsome Italian younger man I met this month; the first one also wanted to be my bf the first day.... I must be broadcasting some vibes). "Racer" has a certain gentleness in his facial features and a certain nerdiness that I find charming.

He tp'd me to his friend's island. We danced a little, dipped in the pool a little, cuddled on the bed a little. I learned more about his family. And I learned that after more than a year in SL, he's still a SLirgin. I know, I know. Sounds incredible, right? But I went along.

An hour and a half after we met, I received two more pictures of him from the neck down. Naked. Damn, the man is sexy.

Long story short, two hours after we met, he was no longer a SLirgin. And neither was Alt #11.

We agreed to meet at 1pm the next day and we agreed to be exclusive for a month.

But something strange happened.

About an hour or so after he said goodnight, he logged back in. (I added him to my tracker so I could come over if he logged in earlier.) I IM'd him and asked if he couldn't sleep. No reply. I called his name. Still no reply. Then it seemed that he logged off, but he actually only hid his status from me. I thought it was rude but I figured I'd give him his space and confront him the next day instead. He logged in a couple more times for long periods until 1pm the next day. But at 1pm, he wasn't there.

At 1:30pm, I sent him a message saying that he doesn't have to hide from me anymore. I said that I was releasing him and that perhaps the reason he doesn't find sincere people in SL is because he himself isn't. Then I said goodbye and took him off my friends list.

At 3:15pm, he called me "crazy" after a string of question marks, followed by "goodbye". I said I wasn't crazy. I told him what happened. When it seemed like he had no idea what I was talking about, I realized that maybe his password was compromised. He doesn't think anybody else knows his password, however.

Then we argued about him not showing up when we agreed. He said he had a class irl, which he never mentioned. I said that, out of respect for my time, he should not have agreed to meet when he had a class. He said, "i not do you justification" and that he doesn't like jealous women. But he said "darling" both times, and how can you stay mad at someone who calls you "darling"?

I told him we couldn't be exclusive. I don't trust him enough at this point and he wants to be free to do what he wants. So, we're friends again, but just friends.

He said he was at a party with friends. I said I was dancing with someone else. But he changed his password like I told him to.

Tip: In an argument, if the other person is struggling with English, have them speak in their native language and use a translator instead. An argument is not the time for an additional layer of miscommunication.

Strange as it may seem, there's something refreshing about an argument with a new lover, if it's done right. It clears the air, assumptions are clarified, you know where you both stand, and in the middle of an argument, the masks tend to come off.

Now that I think about it, the lovers that I had arguments with tended to remain with me longer. Maybe part of that is because, if they didn't care about me so passionately, they wouldn't argue as passionately either; they'd just walk away.