Comfort dance

Relationships are difficult. Memories are comforting.

Today, I indulged in a memory. Because I needed comfort. Because I needed to remember someone who thought that it was impossible to stop anyone from falling in love with me. He was wrong, of course, but, once a year, I pretend he's right.

Till next year.

Dancing with a memory

Yes, I'm sentimental.

Yes, I'm weird.

Yes, it's eerie.

In SL, you can remember someone with more than just still images or chat logs or machinima. In SL, you can remember with a dance.

Yes, his avie is just an empty shell now. Yes, there's no conversation that makes the dance special. But mfpwtff and I made our anniversary dance somewhat of a tradition. Even if he's no longer here, what's wrong with continuing a tradition to remember what we had and to honor his memory?

Yes, I'm sentimental.
Yes, I'm weird.
Yes, I miss him.

Shakespearean comedy, anyone?

I had two hours of sleep last night. And yesterday evening seemed to be the peak of my crazy weird month.

The dies of March (typo intended)

On the first week of March, one of my RL cousins passed away, probably because of his heart condition.

The last time I saw him and his twin brother was when they were preteens. I got married and moved away from California. My mom and I went to the memorial that Saturday and reconnected with many relatives.

In the memorial, his friends talked about him. Bulky men, intimidating in their size and demeanor, all with shameless tears and mournful cries to a lost friend. Through them, I had a glimpse of who my cousin was as an adult -- warm, kind, and generous with his time and friendship.

I saw many of them again the following Wednesday (after work) for the scattering of his ashes.

Two days later, I received a message in FB that one of my SL best friends passed away irl. That hit me stronger and it still hits me. This is the first time that anyone close to me in SL passed away irl, and I'm seeing the practical consequences of this.

The unravelling

I thought I could lay low and grieve privately. But, that day and in the days that followed, many things unravelled. Especially last night....

I have been very open about my SL relationships in this blog and in general. However, I've also tried to protect the privacy of the people with whom I have been involved. In this blog and in my book, I gave nicknames to important lovers and some casual lovers. Each nickname was significant and carefully chosen; it either indicated some characteristic of that lover, or it referred to some important event or an inside joke or a private term of endearment.

My predicament is in talking about something as significant as the real-life death of someone very important to me and its consequences in SL, while protecting the identity of the deceased and the secrets of the living.

This post was prompted by the unravelling of my own secrets in the wake of his death.

Twelve confessions

To be clear, I still won't mention names, either RL or SL, but those involved would recognize each other and maybe discover new characters they didn't know about. And I hope that these revelations would help heal their pain and clear the fog around a man who was important to each of us.

1.
That best friend who passed away was my first partner in SL. I referred to him as mfpwtff. I met him more than seven years ago through my sex alt. I created Alt#9 for him the following day, because I worried about him being seen with my sex alt by her random one-night stands. A short while later, he created a new alt just for me. Two fresh alts exclusive to each other: no baggage, no interruptions, complete privacy.

2.
After a few months, we broke up so he and his RL wife could work on their marriage. But we partnered those alts before we put them to sleep. Then I left him alone. Three years later, we woke up those alts for a dance on our third anniversary, then again on our sixth anniversary, and finally this year on our seventh anniversary. (Hmmm. Another seven-year coincidence for me.)

3.
While he and his wife were working on their marriage, he said that part of their reconciliation was that he had to confess his other affairs. And he told her about Opal (which got me worried), but he kept his promise to keep the private alts secret.

4.
His wife joined him in SL, but she eventually met someone else, so they divorced and she remarried. (Codename: RLex)

5.
He told me that he started a new relationship with someone he met in Facebook. (We connected in Facebook after he learned my RL identity.) And he wanted me to meet her (codename: FBgf) . This was a surprise to me, because it really was none of my business. It felt as though he wanted my blessing for that relationship. Either that or he worried that I'd be surprised to see his relationship status change in FB, but that wouldn't have bothered me either. Anyway, it felt like an honor that he wanted me to meet someone important to him, and I connected with her in Facebook when she reached out to me. So, then I had *the two of them* telling me about their relationship and their meetings. Funny.

6.
Last year, he told me about a new relationship in SL (codename: 2015partner). Again, he told her about me, and he invited me to their wedding reception. (Their SL wedding was just the two of them.) Again, it felt like he was asking for my blessing. So I went to the reception and took pictures as a wedding gift. The odd thing was, as I was saying goodnight at the end of the evening, he called out "Love you!" in public chat. I knew that he did, and I loved him too, but it wasn't something to shout out in public during the reception of your wedding to someone else! I figured he must had been drinking. Soon after, they broke up.

7.
I think it was during our sixth anniversary dance when he remembered something we said when we broke up. At that time, we imagined that maybe there'd be a second chance for us someday. He remembered that while he talked about how my book had triggered him to work on making himself a better man. But I had also changed, maybe for the worse. I had already decided that I couldn't be exclusive to anyone. Long-term commitments make me panic. The woman who had wistfully hoped for another chance with him had slowly faded away in the intervening years. I am a different person now. But we had a very strong and satisfying friendship, and he said he was glad that we could easily pick up where we left off, even if we didn't talk to each other for months.

8.
Last month, he postponed our seventh anniversary dance to the following day. And he had only about an hour. I learned that the reason was a new SL affair (codename: 2016blues). He said he met her at one of the blues clubs in SL. She lived only 2.5 hours away from him irl. He hadn't met her irl yet, but he said it's not likely that they'd meet before the end of this year, because he wanted to take it slow. Very slow. He was happy where he was (living near his daughter) and as he was (living alone with his freedom). But he gushed about her.


Now, the connections.

9.
FBgf was the one who told me that he passed away. She last spoke to him the Tuesday of that week at 11pm. He didn't respond to her messages the following day. She contacted his mom, but his mom was reluctant to call the police because it was possible that his computer just broke down (which happened before) and he just didn't have mobile access where he was. On Thursday, FBgf still hadn't heard from him, so she contacted the apartment manager to check.

While we talked on Facebook chat after she told me the news, I absentmindedly said that I was just talking to him two weeks prior. It was a very innocent remark, but it turned out to be very significant to her. She thought that he hadn't been going into SL anymore, and it made her suspicious (jealous?) that he would come into SL specifically to see me. *sigh* So, I had to explain the anniversary dances. He didn't tell her that he and I used to be lovers a long time ago. So, she asked probing questions to make sure that those dances were innocent and that he wasn't having an affair with me since he started his affair with her.

I thought, .... If she panics like that about an honest-to-goodness friendship, how on earth do I tell her about the last two romances that I know about? Is it even my responsibility? Do I keep his secrets even now that he's gone? Does it still matter?

10.
I figured I'd better notify 2016blues. I hadn't met her yet, even though he said he wanted me to meet her. Luckily, he gave me her full username. When I found her and told her the news, her first question was strange, but not so strange for SL.

2016blues: how did you receive that news, may i ask?
Opal Lei: A mutual friend in FB.
2016blues: his ex wife in rl already pretty much told me that, but I was waiting for confirmation

His ex-wife.... I was torn between asking for his ex-wife's SL name and keeping my distance. I still felt the guilt for intruding in their marriage, even though he said they were practically just roommates when I met him.... But more on that below.

11.
I was reluctant to contact 2015partner. I worried that his "Love you!" outburst might have contributed to their breakup, so she probably wouldn't want to hear from me. And, even though he didn't give me details, I got the impression that their relationship ended badly.

But it felt like a loose end, so I eventually contacted her. It took her a while to believe me, I think. I wondered if she thought I was being his accomplice in a scheme to hide and disappear. A sad commentary on trust and trustworthiness in virtual worlds, but that's the way it is.

From her, I learned there was another girlfriend, whom he didn't mention to me. So, she left her an offline message to give her the news. She only mentioned the other gf's first name and she didn't seem willing to give me her last name, so I left it at that.

12.
I mentioned in past blog posts that I have a tracker so I would know when lovers logged in, so I could log in to meet them, even if I was working on something outside SL. Sometimes, I kept them in the tracker after the relationship is over, just to know if they're ok, assuming that something is wrong if they hadn't logged in for a long time. Ironically, it was less intrusive that way, because an IM could stir up old pains.

When I learned of mfpwtff's passing, I wondered if it mattered having him in the tracker anymore. But I left him in it anyway.

Two or three days ago, I noticed that someone was logging into one of his more active accounts. I figured that someone had gotten into his computer and was contacting people in his friends list. FBgf mentioned that mfpwtff's son and his first wife were going through his apartment and sorting things out, so I figured it must be his son going through his computer.

Then, yesterday, I noticed that someone logged into the private alt that he created for me. When I noticed that he was also removed from a private group intended only for that private pair, I panicked. Not so much because our secret was discovered, but because whoever it was could delete that account or end the partnership.

So I left an offline message from Alt#9 to his private alt BF#2, hoping that it would be read by whoever was logging in:

Please, whoever you are, please leave this account alone. He created [BF#2] only for me, just as I created [Alt#9] only for him. If you are a member of his RL family, I ask for permission to take over his account. It is the only memory I have of him. You can take all the Linden $s out. You can take all the transferable inventory out. I just ask that everything else be preserved as is. Please.

The irony of it all

March 22 was a very long day for me.

I woke up around 3:30am because I had switched to a 5am-2pm schedule to avoid rush-hour traffic. A quick read of my email showed some IM messages from Wolfgang (details in my next post), which started my day with tears while getting ready for work.

Work was a blur.

I arrived home at 3pm and spoke with Wolfgang, until my sister and family (who are visiting from Oregon this week) arrived for dinner around 5pm. They left around 9pm.

After some inner wrestling, I decided to send the message above from Alt#9, then I logged off and got ready for bed. As I was climbing into bed around 10:30pm, I saw a response when I glanced at emails on my tablet. It was just a "hello" from BF#2's account.

So I quickly hopped out of bed, turned my computer back on, and logged Alt#9 back in. BF#2 was still logged in.

Alt#9: Are you here?
Alt#9: Hello?
BF#2: hi there - this is [name]
Alt#9: Hi, [name].
Alt#9: Your name is not familiar. How are you related to [mfpwtff's RL name]?
BF#2: I am his ex-wife

And, so, there she was....

The woman I had avoided for seven years out of guilt and whose wrath I feared. And she held the key to his private alt -- the single, most secret, most intimate, most cherished memory I have of him.

Alt#9: omg
Alt#9: I'm sure you hate me.
BF#2: I don't hate you - I don't hate him...
Alt#9: Thank you.
BF#2: it just made me a little more sad than I already was

"Do you have time for a long story?" she asked. It was 10:46pm.

First, she asked if I (as Alt#9) was also Opal. She wondered because BF#2 had only two friends -- Alt#9 and Opal. It turned out that she had even seen Opal's Flickr pictures.

Her daughter asked if she could have her dad's computer, but because their daughter is still a minor, RLex wanted to clean it out before handing it over. Also, she was warned about hackers who could log in and steal original content, so she was going through his accounts to delete his original works from his inventory.

She didn't know any of his passwords, but she was able to get in because the passwords were saved on the computer.

He had told her about Opal, but he never mentioned our private alts. So she was surprised to find BF#2 among his login accounts. She updated the profiles of his other accounts but she left this one alone, because she didn't know about this one, and it is the only account of his that is partnered.

What made her sad was that mfpwtff was supposed to have told her everything when they were working on their marriage but he didn't tell her about our private alts.

I asked if I could keep BF#2's account because those alts were "like mementos". She said "of course". She understood what they meant to me, and she promised to keep them secret. I was overwhelmed.

By the end of the conversation, Opal had befriended her, and we were talking about mermaids. After she logged BF#2 off, I tried the old password and it still worked. So I changed his password and the associated email address.

And both alts went back to sleep.

This eclipse [on March 23] could easily put the spotlight on a one-on-one relationship, such as on your partner in love, marriage, or business. A friend may have a role to play too, one that is integral to all that goes on. 
- Susan Miller on AstrologyZone.com

Post-mortem, literally

He wasn't perfect, I knew that from the start.

Secrets are eventually revealed. Death has an uncanny way of pushing them out.

We're all looking for love, for affection, for meaning, for anything that makes living worthwhile. And we can't really judge people for how they seek what they're looking for.

The truth really does set you free. Sooner or later.

You can love someone without wanting to live with them.

Expressing love can be exclusive, but feeling love is never exclusive. They can truly love you while loving someone else too.


tgyi, mfpwtff.

It is not our avatars that grieve...

"It is not our avatars that grieve when loved ones in Second Life are gone."

In my nine years in SL, I thought that I would be grieving only for loved ones leaving SL. I knew there was a possibility of grieving for loved ones leaving RL, but I never thought it would hit so close.

I heard the news today.

One of my once-lovers, one of my favorite huggers, and, most importantly, one of my longest and bestest confidants in SL.... He left RL.


It is not my avatar that grieves.

A dance outside time

We had our anniversary dance tonight -- me and mfpwtff.

All we did was dance and talk and talk and talk. We chat in our main alts too, occasionally, but there's something different when you take your exclusive alts and devote a certain time just to each other.

There's a different kind of honesty between us now. A different kind of trust. A different kind of raw. And it's surprisingly gentle and smooth, like a ripple on a quiet lake. And it is soothing to the soul.

We talked about relationships, about alts, about projects. We caught up with what's going on in our lives. Then we talked about more abstract things, like death and bucket lists.

It was a quiet talk, a gentle rhythm, but continuous. It was a dance outside time.

Towards the end, he talked about how my book was the catalyst that made him put a great effort on being a better man. He described the moment when he read a passage. There were other coincidences that day.

I thought it was ironic, because much of my book was about my lovers. Their relationships with me gave me the insights that became the book. And, yet, he was telling me that he got something significant from the book. It's like the blessing, the gift, whatever it was, boomeranged back to him.

Then I reminded him of something I said when we were still together. I told him that, based on my experience in SL, men over 50 tend to treat women differently, with greater respect and understanding and care and tenderness. I think he laughed then, so many years ago. He didn't see how a few years could make a big difference. So, I told him to ping me after he turns 50.

When I reminded him tonight, he remembered. And he agreed. He treats women differently now. And he's a sweeter friend because of it.

We're kinda in the same place these days. He has seductresses tempting him; I have suitors wooing me. But we're both not ready to "settle" down. It's not because we want to have more "fun". He's actually looking for an honest-to-goodness RL relationship, and it sounds like he doesn't want to compromise. And, these days, I'm learning to give myself the love that I've been giving away too generously.

After our 3rd anniversary, we thought we'd do this dance annually, but for some reason or another, we missed the 4th and the 5th.

Well, in spite of our record, we're planning to dance again next year. And I'm looking forward to that. :)

Cherished Magdalene

When Wolfgang went on a 10-day holiday, his absence made me very, very insecure. Actually, even before he left. When I said that I felt like he was bored with me, he said it's just my imagination. Logically, I have no reason to doubt us.

Life feels desperate these days, and tears come too easily. And I feel even less secure, in spite of facts. In spite of his concern about my well-being and my mom's well-being. When I'm insecure, I don't see things in a balanced way, and I feel insecure about everything else in my life. So he points out the cold facts. He explains patiently, even when explanations tire him. He had gone through the same experiences, and he described how he saw it and dealt with it. Logically. Brutally honestly.

It shocks me. But it shocks me out of my depression. I asked for brutal honesty, he is one of the few who actually gives it to me.

I know that I'm projecting my RL insecurities onto our relationship. I know it's my current situation and my own insecurities from past affairs. I have not had an SL relationship that lasted this long, and I keep wondering if I'll know, if I'll see the signs, if I'll be blindsided. But he always reminds me that he isn't my other lovers.

Recently, he logged out one of his alts after he logged in one of his other alts that was dedicated to Alt#6. I commented that the first alt must not like me much because she left quickly. It was a silly comment because I was with his other alt. But it bothered him. It bothered him so much that he had to sit me down the next day with the first alt, and he emphasized that he cherishes Alt#6. It was the first time he used the word "cherish."

He made sure I understood how much he wanted her. And he said that, if he could be with only one of my alts, she is the one he would prefer to be with. She, who is my dirty throw-away sex object. She, who is my Magdalene. He cherishes her. I had rarely felt as wanted as I did at that moment; I was so overwhelmed that I cried.

If he could cherish that lowest darkest filthiest side of me and if he thinks of her as virginal in spite of who she was, then maybe it's a given that he cherishes the rest of me.



In other news, mfpwtff sent me a private message after he read my Facebook post about my mom needing bypass surgery almost a couple of months ago. I didn't expect him to respond to it. After all, he had been mostly offline for months too. His short message felt like one of those warm hugs he used to give me inworld, even long after we officially ended our relationship. He is in a new RL relationship now, and he honored me by letting me know. There will be no more anniversary dances, but I retain a very good friend.

It's the natural way

"thinking that i have to fix my profile... so probably soon you will receive a partnership proposal :D"

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Actually, my first reaction was "omg."

He just laughed and asked rhetorically, "why? [Isn't] that what we are? partners?"

Well, he's right... we are. I already took his last name in my display name. We already set up a place of our own. Our alts are exclusive to each other. The longer we are together, the deeper the emotions go.

But he thinks that it's just a matter of announcing to the world that we're partners.

That's true, but a formal partnership means much more for me. I explained that I considered partnership as something equivalent to being engaged irl, but that I made an exception with alts, particularly alts that were dedicated to a lover. So that original "meaning" now only applies to Opal.

At the same time, I've been partnered only once, and it was only symbolic because we put those alts to sleep immediately after. So, in practice, I never experienced being partnered, except for that one night last February when mfpwtff and I woke up those alts for a dance to celebrate our third anniversary.

If Impy and I would partner our alts, it would be his first ever partnership and my first partnership that is "living", as opposed to sleeping.

Impy#2: lol, ok, understand perfect now. so i will not offer you partnership till we make an small ritual, like go into the black sea naked and exchange flowers between us.... something like that, symbolic
Alt#24: lmao
Impy#2: XDDD
Alt#24: So we'll have to find a black sea in SL....?
Impy#2: lol, or something similar... but crazy, different and funny! an act to join [Impy#2] and [Alt#24]

We won't do it yet, because Venus is retrograde, and I'm superstitious that way. And we can't invite our friends, unfortunately, because these are our private alts, so the ritual will only be with the two of us.

And, of course, I would have doubts....

Alt#24: You didn't say it because you think it's what I wanted, did you?
Impy#2: nooo, i just said it because i think it's the natural way between [Impy#2] and [Alt#24].

There we go.... It's the natural way. :D

Kissing sleeping beauties

"This is like a time capsule," he said.  He was talking about his alt.  The one that partnered with my alt three years ago.

We decided to wake up those alts and go dancing to celebrate our anniversary.  "Why didn't we think of this before?" he asked.

I took time earlier today to update Alt #9 and his alt.  Thankfully, the skins we had still looked good, and an overhaul of the shapes made them look very different and pretty updated.  However, I got my alt a new gown (very cheap) and new hair from Truth (not so cheap).  I updated his alt's shape and got him a freebie hair from KMadd and freebie eyes from Amacci.  There was no point spending money on alts we were gonna use a few hours a year.

I hadn't even seen his main alt or any of his alts since last August.  We usually communicated by disembodied IMs or by email.  And even then, very rarely.  He is in another SL relationship and we are both very busy, so there was hardly any time to chat or even to get together.

But today was special.

He picked a jazz club and I met him there after relogging.  I was nervous.  I was giddy.  It was a strange feeling.

Since we partnered and put our alts to sleep, we hadn't really been with each other as those alts.  In our main alts, we were just very good friends.  Suddenly, there we were -- virtual husband and wife.  Since that was the only SL partnership I've ever done, it felt very very strange.

When we walked into the club, the hostess welcomed us and called us "Mr and Mrs" and his last name.  That, too, was strange.  Neither of us wore a group tag that indicated we were partnered.  Neither of us had a display name.  We had different last names.  So she must have looked into one of our profiles to discover that we were partnered.

Then we had our first dance as husband and wife, three years late.

A few hours later, we were on Skype, still dancing at the club.  Then we had our ... ahem ... (very brief) honeymoon, also three years late, while still dancing at the club.

Then we chatted a bit more before finally saying goodnight and we put those alts back to sleep.

Till next year.  Sweet dreams.

The secret to longevity

It was two years ago today.

The partnership is still there. I sent him an IM using Alt #9's email and wished him Happy Anniversary. He replied, "If I could, I'd do it all over again." :)

Well, since Alt #9 and her partner were actually put to sleep soon after that partnership took effect, you know that the title of this blog is really tongue-in-cheek.

It's like Romeo and Juliet. The only reason their secret marriage has lasted centuries is because they're ... ummm, ... dead. :D If they continued living another couple of decades, they'd be divorced already.

I *do* love him dearly, as I do every other lover who has truly touched my heart. But it's no longer a passionate crazy-making kind of love; it's a more tender cozy love between long-time intimate friends. Of course, we haven't tried to see if the passion is still there, because it doesn't really matter anymore. What we have now has withstood the test of time.

I wonder, however, how the Hitchhiker is doing. His account is gone, as is his alt that I knew about. I hope he eventually returned to SL in a new incarnation, and that he has found someone worthy of his affections.

Stunning normalcy

I met him today while I was logged as my sex alt. It wasn't even at a sex place and I had just tp'd there with a newbie to dance. And after things rezzed, I realized he rezzed right behind us. I thought we tp'd right on top of him. He said hi. We three exchanged some pleasantries, then my newbie friend said he had to leave, so I continued chatting with our newfound friend instead, and we ended up dancing right there.

That was at 8pm.

By 9:30pm, I was logging into Opal to meet him at a sim we agreed to meet at. When I got there, he was chatting with someone else. I excused myself and tp'd to another part of the sim and IM'd him that maybe we could meet at another time instead. He invited me to come back but I said it would feel awkward. Then it dawned on me and I asked if he mistook that woman as me, and I mentioned my sex alt's name. He did. :D A minute later, he was walking towards me.

At 10:11pm, we were just kissing, then out of the blue,...

"Do you have a bf?" he asked.

"In RL, no relationship," I replied. "In SL, I have casual BFs. More like friends with privileges. None exclusive."

"Ok i'll be your rl bf then ;)"

He feels comfortable, like he's a combination of different things from different parts of my life. It's a warm feeling. There's a sense of familiarity in the newness of it all.

I'm still stunned. This whole evening just went whooosh! Like I'm being carried away by the rush of water in a fast river. But, again, it feels comfortable.

The analytical part of my brain still wants to wait and see. I've been this way before. But I have a feeling this one is different, because it feels "normal".

Normal, except that I'm stunned.


mfpwtff sent me a video link after I told him I have a new bf. This is the official version of that video. (Somewhere along the way, he turned into my relationship coach, and I trust him explicitly, simply because he thinks things through as much as I do.)


"Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms..."

Stronger medicine

I met him at Frank's. He saw me standing alone upstairs on the balcony, the only one to notice me that night. I had checked out his profile before he pinged me. His About was intriguing, but something in his Picks was disappointing -- he is into BDSM. Firmly.

I respect people's lifestyle choices, but I have always known that BDSM and Gor are not for me. I don't make a good submissive nor a good mistress. Nor do I want to. I am much too independent.

He asked for a dance and I agreed anyway. It was just a dance after all. He himself figured out that I'm "independent and strong" and yet he wanted me to submit to him. After I said I was certain that it wasn't what I needed, he stood up. He said that he misread me and that I had steep walls. Then he said goodnight. He went off to dance with someone else, while I continued to check out other profiles. A few minutes later, he IM'd me again, inviting me to his home for a dance.

I saw him again the next day and the next. Setting boundaries, arguing about them, defining ourselves. I told him I will never be his sub, nor his dom. He agreed that he will not try to control me, although he tries anyway. At the same time, he fights off my attempts to control him. I have not said "no" to anyone in SL as many times as I have to him in those two days.

I told him I don't need just another sexual lover; I told him I needed an emotional lover. He said he wanted me and he wanted to be my lover, sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. He said it in voice, while he was pleasuring me.

I don't know where this would end up or how long it would last. We're both still fighting over the reins. He wants to take my power; I think he had given his up to me and he doesn't realize it. I push him away and he hangs on. He claims he's not hanging on, that it is my strength that attracts him. Regardless, his persistence impresses me.

When I was chatting with mfpwtff about my last lover, he joked that I need someone who's "strong willed too". I laughed. But he might be right.

But maybe not the last lover; his will is no match to mine. Maybe I need stronger medicine. Like this new one.

Psyche messages

I read somewhere that we get a lot of messages from our psyche about what we need to know. And these are very subtle messages, like dreams.

Sometimes, the messages come in a song that comes into your head out of the blue. Sometimes, it's a picture that mesmerizes you. And, sometimes, it's something that someone said. It may be mundane to them, but it strikes a chord in you.

That happened today.

Realize - Colbie Caillat

Giant gardenias for St. George's Day

He asked me what my favorite flower was. The first man to ever ask me that question in SL.

Then, today, I got a huge bouquet of giant gardenias, because he can't log in on Saint George's Day (April 23), which is apparently the equivalent of St. Valentine's Day in his country.

*sigh*



"He" is a new lover. Well, not so new really. I first met him in early March through my sex alt. Very kind, very gentlemanly. And a sexy avie even with newbie skin and system hair! (Well, we've updated him since then, of course.)

For more than a month, he didn't know anything about me, except that I'm a woman and that I am (in his words) "very very very erotic". Then one night (or early morning SLT), we did a brief roleplay just for kicks -- he was a ship's captain and I was a ... mermaid! (Did you expect anything else?)

As we talked, I realized it was probably better to switch him over to my RP alt. Besides, we've become friends and we didn't want to lose that friendship. So I told him that I would introduce him to my other alts where I am more open about myself and that it was up to him which alt he preferred to be with.

He met Opal first and I showed him the work I do. He was already making up his mind; I think he was still preferring my sex alt. Then I introduced him to my RP alt, and she changed his mind. :) To him, my RP alt's character represented "freedom, dangerous freedom but very attractive". And so, he and my RP alt have been in roleplay since. Not very often, since he's busier now, but we RP in email too.

Because he is married, I made him promise me that he wouldn't fall in love with me and he promised. (mfpwtff says, "goodlukwiddat". :D That was the best backhanded compliment I ever heard. :D)

Now, if only I could smell these gardenias....



That conversation with mfpwtff actually started out about something going on with Mer Betta; I badly needed a friend to talk to and he was the only one who was logged in that early and close enough to me to confide in. Earlier that morning, Kyota (Mermaid Temple) made me aware of another mermaid tail seller who has been stealing design elements from other mermaid designers and mixing them up. I can prove that the thief took a picture of one of my tails and simply modified it to make hers. She made enough changes so that it doesn't look like my tails, but she didn't make enough changes with designs she stole from other designers. At least one of those other designers had filed a report with LL already. I'm still talking to people to get advice about this before I decide what to do.

My Captain (that's what I'll call this new lover from now on in this blog) was trying to make me feel better with these flowers. *sigh*

mfpwtff

We have been saying goodbye since early February. Coming and going. Wanting and rejecting. Fighting and making up. And with each goodbye, we get closer. Ironic that.

Tonight, we had another one of those quasi-goodbyes. Just as tender as the last one, but we decided not to prolong it; otherwise, we'd end up crying all night again and I might end up naked with a white veil again.

But this time, it feels better, the air is clearer. And I think it's partly because of the reason this time -- he'll be working on his marriage. His wife had committed to it and so he is committing to it. And I can't help but admire him for that.

So I step back. The friendship remains; we're not giving that up. But it will just be in the back burner, so I don't distract his efforts.

Surprisingly, I am truly happy. Because this means real-life happiness for him, not just a fantasy. And his happiness makes me happy. And, to top it off, the cricket is happy, because he's feeding the cricket now. So, no matter what happens after this, the cricket will forever be quiet with regards to him.

Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker

tgyi, mfpwtff.


I never really gave him a nickname in this blog. I *do* have a nickname for him that came out of a conversation a long time ago, and I've tacked it on, somewhat mysteriously, at the bottom of a previous post. But it's long and it's a secret, so it's in code -- "mfpwtff". Don't ask me what the other four letters are; that's a secret code too. :D

Update two hours later: If I am so happy, why is this pain here?

Beauty is in the eye of ...

HiHo did a MODA Spotlight show this past Monday featuring RFyre. After the show, Mak commanded him (in the public voice channel) to meet her in the backroom later. LOL

Anyway, the models got gift cards from RFyre, with instructions to send transaction records to Harper Beresford. Well, HiHo handed his gift card over to Opal, since, well, he doesn't need any clothes. And Opal went shopping last night then sent the transaction records and the gift card back to Harper.

This morning, Harper sent HiHo the refund and an offline IM with a rhetorical question: "... and how come women make better male avatars?!?!?" LOL

Well, I have a theory. Or two. Or three.

Theory #1

When Alt #9 was taking the then-newly-born BF #2 around to look for hair, I commented, "You notice that when you see men shopping, there's usually a woman with them?" His response was "that's to keep the men from running out and blowing clothes money on a rod and reel ... or a shot gun ... or a pair of yosemite sam mud flaps for the truck ...." So, you can ask a guy where you can buy the best HUD for anything (especially sex HUDs) or the best TV screen and he'll give you a long list of vendors with pros and cons. But if you ask him where you can buy the best skin or shoes, he'll give you the one or two places where he got his, if you're lucky.

That's also why most male avatars look alike. They all went to the same store. (I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know there are so few good male skins out there. LOL)

Theory #2

There's this book about self-identity (but unfortunately, I can't remember the title and it's hidden somewhere in this pile of boxes in my living room) and it says that women generally think they're fatter than they really are and men think they're in better shape than they really are. So, men generally don't have issues about how they look. And they come into SL thinking they're pretty good-looking and so try to make their avatars look like their real selves. And, ummm, let's just say that it doesn't translate well to the medium.

Either that or they get some satisfaction in the fact that a drop-dead gorgeous woman (virtual though she may be) would be so willing to hop into the sack with someone who looks like him.

Meanwhile, women who make male avatars are trying to recreate their dream boat, so, yeah, he'll look better than your average guy.

Theory #3

I think men tend to drink a few beers before they tackle the unpleasant task of modifying their avatar. Capos Calderwood (aka Alex Whitmore irl) has a song that goes, "Beauty... it's in the eye of the beerholder... Tonight we'll drink until we look okay..." So they just keep drinking until their avatar looks okay.

*grins*


Now, keep in mind that this doesn't apply to ALL men; I'm just generalizing. Besides, tbh, I've actually seen quite a few really good ones out there, created by men without any help from a woman. Unfortunately, as Kit and I were lamenting just last night, most of them are gay.

*sighs*

On the other hand, some men know enough to ask a woman for help and so end up looking like a young Robert Redford.

*swoons*

On cruise control

Yesterday, I made a decision. Yesterday, I decided to move on.

I could have just moved on without a word, as I'm sure he has. But I don't want another "I wish I knew" night that complicates life. I don't want another misunderstanding. So I sent him an email yesterday. He hasn't replied to my emails for a while now, and I'm not expecting a response to that one either. But it served its purpose; it was an act of release, of letting go.

I could have listened to what Anna had been advising for years. I could have preserved my boundaries and kept him with my sex alt. But then I would have missed out on an incredible emotional experience. And, most importantly, I would have missed out on a potential great friendship.

But life is a one-lane road. Sometimes, other roads run alongside for a while, and then they veer off to other directions. But there's that deep serenity when you're driving solo. You can hear your own thoughts. You can enjoy the scenery. The world is at peace.

/me sets the cruise control, turns on the music, and breathes.

I happened

This past relationship was stranger than previous ones because there were too many synchronicities around us. But there was also another reason -- something about him reminded me often of my RL ex-husband. Superficially, they are very different. But their *souls* feel the same.

And I think that's why this breakup is so complicated. There's a lot of emotional connections weaving in and out of the whole mess. At least on my side. It's not just about *this* specific relationship; it's also about a past marriage.

Today, I felt emotions that I thought I had already dealt with almost a decade ago during my divorce. The emotions were still as strong, but they came and went in a span of a few hours, instead of months. It just took me by surprise that this SL breakup would trigger an RL memory so strongly.

When I was going through my divorce and for months afterwards, I withdrew from friends and family. It's how I deal with grief, how I deal with pain. Somehow, I've opened up to a lot of friends this time around and most have given me advice. But most importantly, they've given me a shoulder to cry on, a hug for soothing, a dance for distraction. I will always be very grateful for those.

And I am also grateful for the funny responses to my blog entry. Be said, "Opal ... that entry can be an entire movie :)". Meanwhile, Anna simply sent me a picture of a train wreck. She always claimed that, because of my SL relationships, I'm a train wreck waiting to happen.

Well, I guess I happened.

The cricket's thumb

Sometimes, friends remember things I've said that have impacted their lives, even if I don't remember saying them. Sometimes, friends say things that have impacted *my* life, even if they didn't think anything of it. Oftentimes, it takes a while before the impact hits me.

Howard pinged me yesterday after reading my last blog entry. So, I figured I'd get his advice and the conversation got to why a man would hide his virtual affairs from his wife, even though he claims that she doesn't care about him anymore. Howard's response was essentially that the man still loves his wife and still wants to spend his life with her, and he doesn't want to jeopardize that, whether he is aware of it or not.

I had to let Howard go when Lover logged in. I wanted to know where we stood. I had separated Alt #9 from the rest of me and put her to sleep, so that I could be free to be with someone else. Now that there's only him again, the question becomes: Does Alt #9's partnership to his alt also means that Opal is partnered to his main as well? And when he cannot come into SL anymore, do we continue in email?

He said okay about continuing in email, just to appease me. I sensed a reluctance and that's not what I wanted. Certainly, there were logistics issues, but, if he really wanted me, those issues were very minor. He explained that he already lost me, that he "cried [his] ass off over [me]", that he didn't expect the Hitchhiker would release me, and that he's still stunned from that news.

I had a chat with Lora later in the evening, and she kinda confirmed what Howard said, even though I asked her a different question altogether. I think they're both right.

I had a sense that the Hitchhiker coming into my life provided Lover a good reason to make his exit. It eased his guilt for leaving. But when the Hitchhiker exited stage left before he could complete his own exit, he was stuck with me in his hands and now he doesn't know what to do with me.

To be honest, I feel like a hot potato.

Then, today, it hit me. The same words that the Hitchhiker said to me apply just as well with my lover. I need to step aside myself so that Lover could work on his marriage.

And, here, I thought the cricket had been unusually quiet the past three months. Little did I know that he was just waiting right outside the parking lot with his thumb out, hitching a ride.

tgyi, mfpwtff

Shakespearean tragedy, anyone?

These past few days have been overwhelmingly emotional and I'm exhausted. But I feel peace.


The Hitchhiker

On Saturday, I took out my sex alt after a long time. Well, technically, I took her out earlier to do some freebie hunt but gave up before finishing it. But this weekend, I was trawling. I met several men but none stuck, except one with a gentle face and with gentle words in his profile. I pinged him and we went to his home.

We chatted quite a bit and I was stunned that he was laying himself bare emotionally so fast. He was already thinking a year down the road, and we had only met. We spent all night together, chatting, having sex, then chatting some more. He was so sweet, so wonderful, so caring. My broken heart needed a home and he offered one. I figured it was worth a try.

Before midnight, I had made a commitment to be exclusive to him. By the morning, I had introduced him to Opal.

He read my last blog entry and said, "so you pulled out of the parking lot and there I was with my thumb out :)". :D


"I wish I knew"

On Sunday, I received an email from my last affair. He was apologizing for being harsh on me. He explained that he hasn't been dealing with RL well and he took it out on me and other people. And he asked forgiveness. I decided to wait until later in the evening before responding. I had too many things to get done and I was meeting up with the Hitchhiker again.

But, as I was saying goodnight to the Hitchhiker, my last affair sent IMs reiterating his email. I decided to wait until after my goodbyes before responding, but he said "bye" so I quickly responded and told him to wait. When the Hitchhiker logged off, I replied that I wasn't mad at him and that I never saw his behavior as taking anything out on me and we started talking.

It was 11pm SLT.

I told him that I had met someone new, and he said he was happy for me.

I told him how painful the past few weeks had been, especially since that day he rejected me. And that's when we realized we've made wrong assumptions.

He explained that, with all the stresses of his own RL and crises that friends were going through, he hit a point where he couldn't deal with it anymore and, in his words, he "imploded". The day he refused to see me, I assumed he never wanted to see me again. So I said "take care of yourself", which he took to mean *I* never wanted to see *him* again.

I said, "I wish I knew." He said, "me too ... i wish i knew".

I was going to transfer out some things from Alt #9's inventory that night, then I was going to put her to sleep. He said he decided to put his private alt (BF #2) to sleep with #9 too. So we logged into those alts one last time. I was already crying.

We talked about things that was good about our relationship, what we were grateful for. We reminisced about good times. We said things that we wanted to say but never did. Good things. Painful things. Emotional things. We laughed. We cried. We made promises to remain friends and stay in touch. And we kept repeating, "I wish I knew."

Knowing might have bought us only a few more chances to be together, but we regretted that misunderstanding anyway. He still would have to leave SL soon. But every chance to be together was so precious. "I wish I knew."

I saw him log in and out a few times, but he didn't try to contact me. I took that as confirmation of my assumptions, so I didn't try to contact him either. And he never bothered to read my blog so he didn't know how I really felt. "I wish I knew."

He said he had seen me log my sex alt in with an online indicator HUD a couple of days before. And he went to the same jazz club where we first met, hoping to "bump" into me. He didn't ping me because he was afraid I really didn't want to see him anymore. "I wish I knew."

We compared our situation with "Romeo and Juliet". They too had misunderstandings and they both ended up dead. "I wish I knew."

He said, who knows, maybe there would be a next time, so we hung our hopes on that "next time" as we hung on to each other.


An idea

I reminded him of his promise to meet up again on my alt's third rez day. He asked when that was so I opened up the profile window to check. At the same time, I decided to update her profile to reflect that she would be "sleeping". And he updated his alt's profile as well.

Then a bulb lit up.

If my alt was intended for him and his alt was intended only for me, and they were both going to be put to sleep anyway, why not partner them? It would only be symbolic because those alts would be inactive anyway, but what an awesome symbol it would be! He agreed without any hesitation.

I had never partnered before in any of my alts, because I consider partnering in SL to be equivalent to being engaged in real life. He promised himself he would never partner again. And, yet, there we were, getting partnered on the spur of the moment.

When I said I would have to search for a gown in my inventory, he said, "just get naked and keep the boots on." :D So, while he was drafting his proposal, I found a white pair of thigh-high boots in Opal's inventory and sent them over. I also used the Mer Betta Pasithea veils, pearls, and gloves. Thankfully, Lora logged in as I was frantically searching for a bouquet on SLX. She lent me a transferrable bouquet from her inventory.

He logged his main alt back in to be his best man. I logged Opal back in to be my maid-of-honor, but she didn't stay long because I was lagging badly.

I accepted his proposal at 8am, February 23, 2009.

After accepting his proposal, we kissed, took pictures, dismissed his best man (Opal was already gone), and cuddled and talked some more. I asked if he remembered my blog about "Heart Gravel"; he did. Then I said, he gets two -- one now, one later. And he said he'd hold me to that. :D

More cuddling, more pictures, more talk, more reminiscing. Until we were both too tired to keep our eyes open. Then our alts said goodnight and went to sleep.

It was 10:18am SLT.




Aftermath

However, the idea had its consequences, including breaking my word. After the MODA fashion show, I met with the Hitchhiker again as we had planned and I told him what had happened overnight. I asked for his forgiveness and gave him the choice to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it.

His response was very perceptive, very kind, very wise, and very gracious. His own words:

You have a strong tie with this man and you have history with him
your heart is in his hands not mine
I free you from our commitment so that you can bring this love you share to a proper and fitting conclusion
whether it be in parting or in finding a way
I must step aside
And I am going to do so

I know I broke his heart. How badly, I have no idea. But at this point, I could not love him as he deserves to be loved. For his wisdom and his graciousness, he has my gratitude and deep respect.


One more synchronicity

A lot of synchronistic coincidences marked most of the last three months. Not ordinary coincidences either and way too many to be attributed to chance.

Today, one more strange thing happened.

While we were getting ready for the practice run-through for the MODA fashion show, my cellphone rang and I ran off to pick it up. It was my mom. I told her I was busy all night and promised to call her back tomorrow. But wondering if it was some sort of emergency, I asked if she needed anything quick.

She replied, "Oh, nothing, I just had a dream about you last night in a wedding gown...."

Pulling out of the parking lot

A lot has happened in my life the past few months. It's not that I haven't had time to write or that I haven't had anything to write. It's just that the emotions have been too intense and jumbled that I couldn't write.

My recent affair had officially ended a couple of weeks ago for RL reasons. We expected the break up from the start, and the affair went on longer than we thought it would. But for some reason, the separation is much more painful and much more difficult to get over with than my usual short-term relationships. We continued to see each other when he could log in, but, a couple of days ago, he flatly refused to see me.

I understood. Continuing to see each other just prolongs the healing process. Except that the rejection was so damned painful....

I think I've changed. I think the flavor-of-the-month flings are not likely going to happen anymore. I think I'm ready to venture out of the parking lot now and try the side streets at a faster speed.

Everybody, out of the way! Crazy woman driving!

By the way, you might notice that I changed the layout of this blog to a more subdued green. I even changed the title of the blog; I've always wanted to use that pun somewhere. :)