"you complete me and i really need you"
That's what Impy said today. He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails. Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice. Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.
I figured he was fading away. Real life was pulling him away. That's how most of my relationships end. I was expecting the worst. My heart was breaking.
But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming. He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.
I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises. I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.
He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago. It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang. I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied. And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody. I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.
Honestly, I am overwhelmed. The man fills my cup to overflowing.
This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot. But our relationship is more stable this past week.
The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to. But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel. Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM. He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.
The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.
Something strange happened last Thursday though. He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work. Then he got naked. And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness. Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words). So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.
It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness. It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long. He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.
Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again. I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god! The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish. This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.
Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL. I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.
Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend. Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities. :)
Showing posts with label Lucky Bastard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lucky Bastard. Show all posts
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
Turning five, ... and the romance of Scrum
I started writing this blog entry and forgot all about it. No, it's not the age thing; it's the long to-do list thing. After my rez day party, I started immediately on a project And, now, I have a couple of things I want to talk about, so, you -- my dear readers -- get a two-for-one deal.
Five
I turned five a week ago.
Anyway, the last time I threw a party was on my first rez day anniversary. The following years, I just created gifts for friends. But, since it's the fifth year, I figured it was time for another bash.
Before the party, I was very nervous. Everything was planned at the last minute. I contacted musicians only in the past couple of weeks, and I built the venue only that morning. I got my nephew to perform at the first hour, but we had to do it using the voice channel, because we couldn't figure out how to set up the stream. Capos Calderwood performed in the second hour, and I am incredibly grateful that he never says "no" to me. :) I had asked TallGuy as well but he couldn't make it because of a planned long-distance trip early the next morning. I also asked a couple of DJs but both had RL commitments. *sigh* I should have planned much sooner, but there were too many other things to worry about.
But this feels like a turning point, you know? It's like turning 50. Like having a midlife crisis.
I still have the uncanny thing about things in August changing my life. Lots have happened this past August. And I'm sure their effects are going to reverberate throughout my life.
Agile relationships
After my breakup with 6969, I was chatting with Lucky Bastard and we talked about what I really want. I said that I have nothing against a long-term relationship in real life; I just don't want to commit. I have an issue with the "till death do us part" when we know damn well that the odds of keeping that promise are against us. Even worse for second marriages.
He gave me permission to quote him, so...
So, there. That's what I want... an Agile relationship... a Scrum relationship. :D
Gotta love nerds and their sense of humor. :D
Five
I turned five a week ago.
Anyway, the last time I threw a party was on my first rez day anniversary. The following years, I just created gifts for friends. But, since it's the fifth year, I figured it was time for another bash.
Before the party, I was very nervous. Everything was planned at the last minute. I contacted musicians only in the past couple of weeks, and I built the venue only that morning. I got my nephew to perform at the first hour, but we had to do it using the voice channel, because we couldn't figure out how to set up the stream. Capos Calderwood performed in the second hour, and I am incredibly grateful that he never says "no" to me. :) I had asked TallGuy as well but he couldn't make it because of a planned long-distance trip early the next morning. I also asked a couple of DJs but both had RL commitments. *sigh* I should have planned much sooner, but there were too many other things to worry about.
But this feels like a turning point, you know? It's like turning 50. Like having a midlife crisis.
I still have the uncanny thing about things in August changing my life. Lots have happened this past August. And I'm sure their effects are going to reverberate throughout my life.
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too -- even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."
~ Morrie Schwartz, from "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom
Agile relationships
After my breakup with 6969, I was chatting with Lucky Bastard and we talked about what I really want. I said that I have nothing against a long-term relationship in real life; I just don't want to commit. I have an issue with the "till death do us part" when we know damn well that the odds of keeping that promise are against us. Even worse for second marriages.
He gave me permission to quote him, so...
[2011-08-29 15:18:28] LB: you do want commitment?
[2011-08-29 15:19:07] Opal Lei: What I want is for someone to choose to be with me, with or without commitment, for the rest of my life.
[2011-08-29 15:19:30] Opal Lei: And for him to CHOOSE to be with me each day.
[2011-08-29 15:19:44] Opal Lei: Not just be forced to be with me.
[2011-08-29 15:19:51] LB: but that is commitment
[2011-08-29 15:19:55] Opal Lei: No.
[2011-08-29 15:20:03] Opal Lei: Because he could change his mind one day.
[2011-08-29 15:20:24] Opal Lei: And when he does, he's free to go.
[2011-08-29 15:20:38] Opal Lei: Of course, the same goes from my side.
[2011-08-29 15:20:48] LB: but in the same sentence you say for the rest of the life
[2011-08-29 15:21:00] Opal Lei: that would be nice, but not required.
[2011-08-29 15:21:07] Opal Lei: the *required* is the key difference.
[2011-08-29 15:21:55] LB: i see that as a commitment
[2011-08-29 15:22:06] Opal Lei: Even without the promise?
[2011-08-29 15:22:30] LB: it is my perspective
[2011-08-29 15:22:44] Opal Lei nods
[2011-08-29 15:23:59] Opal Lei: I see the difference between staying with someone voluntarily and being forced to stay with someone simply because of a promise made.
[2011-08-29 15:24:56] LB: "And for him to CHOOSE to be with me each day"...that is a commitment that i will be here each day
[2011-08-29 15:25:06] Opal Lei: No.
[2011-08-29 15:25:15] Opal Lei: Everyday, he has to choose to be with me or not.
[2011-08-29 15:25:17] LB: i am not looking at it personally
[2011-08-29 15:25:24] Opal Lei smiles.
[2011-08-29 15:25:58] Opal Lei: Everyday, there's a choice to be made.
[2011-08-29 15:26:08] Opal Lei: As opposed to making the choice once.
[2011-08-29 15:26:44] LB: you are shrinking the delta to one day
[2011-08-29 15:26:50] Opal Lei: Yes
[2011-08-29 15:26:56] Opal Lei: Short-term commitment. :D
[2011-08-29 15:27:02] LB: it sounds more like one night stand
[2011-08-29 15:27:17] Opal Lei: Not if you make the same choice for many days.
[2011-08-29 15:27:44] LB: then it is repetitive commitment
[2011-08-29 15:27:55] Opal Lei: Well, I guess that's a good name for it. :)
[2011-08-29 15:28:06] LB: agile..lmao
[2011-08-29 15:28:11] Opal Lei: lol
[2011-08-29 15:28:43] LB: Agile Relationship
[2011-08-29 15:28:47] Opal Lei: LOL
So, there. That's what I want... an Agile relationship... a Scrum relationship. :D
Gotta love nerds and their sense of humor. :D
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Crossing the line
I've done it. I've crossed the last line I drew on the sand. This past week, I met two Second Life lovers in real life.
The first was a recent lover; the second was a lover in the distant past. Both are very dear friends, who have touched my life in a significant way.
But the meetings couldn't be more different.
The first gave me an hour or so of his day; the second gave me an entire day. The first was emotionally distant, although he was very friendly; the second was emotionally very warm and intimate.
Both gave me warm hugs. The first gave me a hug before we parted; it was the end of the meeting. The second gave me a hug soon after we met up; it was the beginning of the day.
With the first, our meeting was like a business lunch. With the second, our meeting was like a long-awaited reunion; it felt as though we had met before.
But there is another line that I crossed. The first had a meal with me and satisfied a physical hunger; the second made love to me and satisfied an emotional hunger.
Even the lovemaking felt very comfortable, as though we had done it before. He said that we *had* done it before -- in our minds, in our hearts, in our souls.
He knows how to make a woman feel beautiful and desirable, not just with his words, but with his caresses and his kisses. And that makes him a wonderful lover. Most men think it's a technique that makes them great in bed; it isn't. It's how he makes his partner feel about herself.
The whole day felt surreal, like a dream. And it was very difficult to say goodbye. He stayed with me until the airport shuttle arrived to pick me up early the next day.
This experience changed me, to say the least. And it changed me in many ways. It is significant in my real life as well, because it ended a long fast and broke down self-imposed walls.
What happens now is still up in the air. I'm not expecting anything from him; time is still an issue. I still have other lovers, and he knows that. But the fact that he and I made love in real life sets him apart. Not because real life sex has a higher value than virtual sex (although it is definitely more satisfying), but because he has seen my real self naked and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
Of course, he said that when he wasn't wearing his glasses. ... Hmmm.... :-\
The first was a recent lover; the second was a lover in the distant past. Both are very dear friends, who have touched my life in a significant way.
But the meetings couldn't be more different.
The first gave me an hour or so of his day; the second gave me an entire day. The first was emotionally distant, although he was very friendly; the second was emotionally very warm and intimate.
Both gave me warm hugs. The first gave me a hug before we parted; it was the end of the meeting. The second gave me a hug soon after we met up; it was the beginning of the day.
With the first, our meeting was like a business lunch. With the second, our meeting was like a long-awaited reunion; it felt as though we had met before.
But there is another line that I crossed. The first had a meal with me and satisfied a physical hunger; the second made love to me and satisfied an emotional hunger.
Even the lovemaking felt very comfortable, as though we had done it before. He said that we *had* done it before -- in our minds, in our hearts, in our souls.
He knows how to make a woman feel beautiful and desirable, not just with his words, but with his caresses and his kisses. And that makes him a wonderful lover. Most men think it's a technique that makes them great in bed; it isn't. It's how he makes his partner feel about herself.
The whole day felt surreal, like a dream. And it was very difficult to say goodbye. He stayed with me until the airport shuttle arrived to pick me up early the next day.
This experience changed me, to say the least. And it changed me in many ways. It is significant in my real life as well, because it ended a long fast and broke down self-imposed walls.
What happens now is still up in the air. I'm not expecting anything from him; time is still an issue. I still have other lovers, and he knows that. But the fact that he and I made love in real life sets him apart. Not because real life sex has a higher value than virtual sex (although it is definitely more satisfying), but because he has seen my real self naked and he still thinks I'm beautiful.
Of course, he said that when he wasn't wearing his glasses. ... Hmmm.... :-\
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Waves on the sand
Updates
1.
Lucky Bastard was speechless. He found me in Yahoo the morning after I wrote the last entry. My email was "very unexpected." He said, "i care but i do not want to go that deep... where my emotions take over my life in sl." I knew that; he had been telling me that all along. I told him I didn't expect him to, and I'm not asking him to. I was just expressing how I felt. But I stopped logging into Yahoo, since I log there just for him anyway. Maybe a little distance would center me.
2.
Rapido stopped talking to me. He didn't reply to my IMs when he logged in. Two days now. I sense he's mad at me. Or jealous because of that blog entry. *sigh* When I was with him last October, we were exclusive even though we didn't make that commitment, simply because I saw him everyday. When he came back recently, we hadn't had a chance to talk and I brought it up the last time we were together; I said that all we did was have sex. His response was that, when he's with me, sex is all he could think about. And that was a very sweet thing to say, especially since he knows what I look like irl. But I don't think he knew I have other lovers this time. Or maybe he has a new lover now. But I still think it's rude for him to not even reply back with a "hi". *sigh*
Update: He's not mad at me. He said his son must have used his account. *sigh*
3.
Spot sent Alt #11 an unexpected message. He said he was leaving SL, but he offered his email address and said he would be honored if I would correspond with him, because of the thousand or so people he met in SL, I was one of the very few who was "different". The message was unexpected because we kinda agreed not to talk to each other anymore, although he *did* wave at me once, when he saw me at Frank's. After a few emails back and forth, we talked in Google Talk a couple of times and exchanged RL info. I convinced him to create a new alt (which he created just to talk to me because it's inconvenient for me to log into Google Talk). I've been telling him about all the activities I've done in SL just to illustrate that there's much much more to SL than "idle banter" and that there's a big wide world outside Frank's.
4.
And Rocky came back from a trip. I was a bit pissed at him because we exchanged email addresses so he could stay in touch while he was traveling, but he didn't check the email address he gave me until he got back from his trip, because, as he says, it's not part of his routine yet. *sigh* But we had a lovely evening anyway. He tp'd me to Sunset Jazz where we stood hugging for a long time (we never even entered the club), then I tp'd him back to my place to show him what I had built. While we were there, I introduced him to Gmok, then to Umpa Lumpa, then to Hottie, then to Admiral Creaky. Of course, he pretended to be jealous. But there were sexual undertones in the conversation and the giggling, and one thing led to another.... :) Lately, we had been talking about what we would do when we meet in real life, in detail, like going to that dim sum restaurant we both like. So I asked him if he was serious about meeting me irl. He said he was. It was just a matter of scheduling. At this point, we figure that July would be the earliest. So, we'd have our own fireworks.... ;)
Waves
If you asked me how many lovers I have now, I cannot say. It seems that my love affairs are changing and taking on shades of gray. Lovers fade in and fade out. The delineation between would-be lover and lover and that between lover and ex have blurred. Lovers come and go and come and go again. Like waves coming up the shore and withdrawing again. And each time a wave comes and goes, the sand changes. Each time a lover comes and goes, a part of me changes. And, sometimes, it's only after the wave withdraws that we see the change in the sand.
1.
Lucky Bastard was speechless. He found me in Yahoo the morning after I wrote the last entry. My email was "very unexpected." He said, "i care but i do not want to go that deep... where my emotions take over my life in sl." I knew that; he had been telling me that all along. I told him I didn't expect him to, and I'm not asking him to. I was just expressing how I felt. But I stopped logging into Yahoo, since I log there just for him anyway. Maybe a little distance would center me.
2.
Rapido stopped talking to me. He didn't reply to my IMs when he logged in. Two days now. I sense he's mad at me. Or jealous because of that blog entry. *sigh* When I was with him last October, we were exclusive even though we didn't make that commitment, simply because I saw him everyday. When he came back recently, we hadn't had a chance to talk and I brought it up the last time we were together; I said that all we did was have sex. His response was that, when he's with me, sex is all he could think about. And that was a very sweet thing to say, especially since he knows what I look like irl. But I don't think he knew I have other lovers this time. Or maybe he has a new lover now. But I still think it's rude for him to not even reply back with a "hi". *sigh*
Update: He's not mad at me. He said his son must have used his account. *sigh*
3.
Spot sent Alt #11 an unexpected message. He said he was leaving SL, but he offered his email address and said he would be honored if I would correspond with him, because of the thousand or so people he met in SL, I was one of the very few who was "different". The message was unexpected because we kinda agreed not to talk to each other anymore, although he *did* wave at me once, when he saw me at Frank's. After a few emails back and forth, we talked in Google Talk a couple of times and exchanged RL info. I convinced him to create a new alt (which he created just to talk to me because it's inconvenient for me to log into Google Talk). I've been telling him about all the activities I've done in SL just to illustrate that there's much much more to SL than "idle banter" and that there's a big wide world outside Frank's.
4.
And Rocky came back from a trip. I was a bit pissed at him because we exchanged email addresses so he could stay in touch while he was traveling, but he didn't check the email address he gave me until he got back from his trip, because, as he says, it's not part of his routine yet. *sigh* But we had a lovely evening anyway. He tp'd me to Sunset Jazz where we stood hugging for a long time (we never even entered the club), then I tp'd him back to my place to show him what I had built. While we were there, I introduced him to Gmok, then to Umpa Lumpa, then to Hottie, then to Admiral Creaky. Of course, he pretended to be jealous. But there were sexual undertones in the conversation and the giggling, and one thing led to another.... :) Lately, we had been talking about what we would do when we meet in real life, in detail, like going to that dim sum restaurant we both like. So I asked him if he was serious about meeting me irl. He said he was. It was just a matter of scheduling. At this point, we figure that July would be the earliest. So, we'd have our own fireworks.... ;)
Waves
If you asked me how many lovers I have now, I cannot say. It seems that my love affairs are changing and taking on shades of gray. Lovers fade in and fade out. The delineation between would-be lover and lover and that between lover and ex have blurred. Lovers come and go and come and go again. Like waves coming up the shore and withdrawing again. And each time a wave comes and goes, the sand changes. Each time a lover comes and goes, a part of me changes. And, sometimes, it's only after the wave withdraws that we see the change in the sand.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
I've become a liability
Lucky Bastard was gone for almost a week and I didn't know why. He hadn't been gone that long in the past without letting me know. I knew he was busy with work and I just assumed he didn't have time.
Unfortunately, during that time, I needed him, his presence. He always calmed me down and that is enough to help me get through what I needed to get through. Rare are the people who enable you simply with their presence.
When he came back, we had an ordinary conversation. I found out that he was on a business trip. Then we talked about SL. He asked how I was; he always did. I told him I was fine.
The next day, I sent him an email.
The week he was gone, I had been very emotional. In spite of the presence of other lovers, I had missed him specifically and strongly, and I don't know why. Many times, the tears flowed easily simply because I felt overwhelmed with the emotion. And it wasn't the emotion of missing him; it was the emotion of loving him. And it was that intense emotion of loving him that made me miss him, even though he wasn't gone that long.
I think I've come to that point where I want more and the "more" is out of reach. I told him that I'm toeing the line between SL and RL, but at the same time I don't want to ruin his RL.
I wrote these in the email. I told him of this delirious desire to merge with him. It wasn't a sexual desire, nor a romantic one. It was a spiritual desire.
And as I read what I wrote, I realized that, based on my belief system, I am already linked to him spiritually. And that eased my heart a bit. Enough to get some sleep.
That was five days ago. No response. And he hadn't logged into SL nor into Yahoo Chat since that email.
I don't blame him. I've become a liability.
Unfortunately, during that time, I needed him, his presence. He always calmed me down and that is enough to help me get through what I needed to get through. Rare are the people who enable you simply with their presence.
When he came back, we had an ordinary conversation. I found out that he was on a business trip. Then we talked about SL. He asked how I was; he always did. I told him I was fine.
The next day, I sent him an email.
The week he was gone, I had been very emotional. In spite of the presence of other lovers, I had missed him specifically and strongly, and I don't know why. Many times, the tears flowed easily simply because I felt overwhelmed with the emotion. And it wasn't the emotion of missing him; it was the emotion of loving him. And it was that intense emotion of loving him that made me miss him, even though he wasn't gone that long.
I think I've come to that point where I want more and the "more" is out of reach. I told him that I'm toeing the line between SL and RL, but at the same time I don't want to ruin his RL.
I wrote these in the email. I told him of this delirious desire to merge with him. It wasn't a sexual desire, nor a romantic one. It was a spiritual desire.
And as I read what I wrote, I realized that, based on my belief system, I am already linked to him spiritually. And that eased my heart a bit. Enough to get some sleep.
That was five days ago. No response. And he hadn't logged into SL nor into Yahoo Chat since that email.
I don't blame him. I've become a liability.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Overlapping lovers
My lovers are overlapping today.
First, let me talk about a new lover. I'll call him "Rocky" because, within a couple of months of each other, we both visited the "Garden of the Gods" in Colorado where there was a rock that seems to defy gravity.
We found that there are many other similarities in our lives. We were married in the same year (not to each other, of course). We lived in the same area. We worked in the same industry. My favorite dim sum restaurant is the exact same one as *his* favorite dim sum restaurant (and, no, it's not a chain). In all those chances of physically running into each other, we never met... until, one day, Alt #11 was wearing a gold gown and found someone wearing a suit with a vest in the same gold shade at Frank's. And I IM'd him because his profile made me think that he might be a fellow writer. That was late last year, but he disappeared for months and just came back. He's still rarely here. *sighs*
Anyway, first story: October2006 IM'd me today after months and months (maybe more than a year?) of no contact. The first thing he said tonight was "love u", just like that, out of the blue. Well, he needed a friend tonight, so I went to give him a hug for a few minutes before he went to bed.
For some reason, after he went to bed, I opened his profile in the Notes tab and realized that he has the same birthday as Rocky. Here are two more coincidences: October2006 is four years younger than I, and Rocky is four years older than I. October2006 got my SLirginity; I got Rocky's SLirginity.
Second story: Yesterday, I was cleaning up my parcel in Amberaldus and I emailed Rapido to ask him to come and pick up his objects, since I'm thinking of selling that parcel. I haven't seen him since late October, although we've communicated briefly through offline messages and emails. The last email was more than a month ago.
Well, he *did* clean up but he left three heart-shaped prims and his email said "I love you so much" and he wants to come back but I'm asleep during the times he could come in. Anyway, I listened to his show today and he played "MacArthur Park" (which I associate with the Poet) then "Amigos Para Siempre" (which I associate with MAMJJ), two songs which I never heard him play before.
Lucky Bastard chatted with me in Yahoo and in email. Surf came in once. And December2006 poked me (again) in Facebook. I told him that, because we keep poking back and forth, it's almost like the other kind of poking, except it's in very slow motion. *grins*
Three current lovers and three very friendly ex's.... A little bit here, a little bit there, and I had a full meal of loves this week. :)
*burps*
First, let me talk about a new lover. I'll call him "Rocky" because, within a couple of months of each other, we both visited the "Garden of the Gods" in Colorado where there was a rock that seems to defy gravity.
We found that there are many other similarities in our lives. We were married in the same year (not to each other, of course). We lived in the same area. We worked in the same industry. My favorite dim sum restaurant is the exact same one as *his* favorite dim sum restaurant (and, no, it's not a chain). In all those chances of physically running into each other, we never met... until, one day, Alt #11 was wearing a gold gown and found someone wearing a suit with a vest in the same gold shade at Frank's. And I IM'd him because his profile made me think that he might be a fellow writer. That was late last year, but he disappeared for months and just came back. He's still rarely here. *sighs*
Anyway, first story: October2006 IM'd me today after months and months (maybe more than a year?) of no contact. The first thing he said tonight was "love u", just like that, out of the blue. Well, he needed a friend tonight, so I went to give him a hug for a few minutes before he went to bed.
For some reason, after he went to bed, I opened his profile in the Notes tab and realized that he has the same birthday as Rocky. Here are two more coincidences: October2006 is four years younger than I, and Rocky is four years older than I. October2006 got my SLirginity; I got Rocky's SLirginity.
Second story: Yesterday, I was cleaning up my parcel in Amberaldus and I emailed Rapido to ask him to come and pick up his objects, since I'm thinking of selling that parcel. I haven't seen him since late October, although we've communicated briefly through offline messages and emails. The last email was more than a month ago.
Well, he *did* clean up but he left three heart-shaped prims and his email said "I love you so much" and he wants to come back but I'm asleep during the times he could come in. Anyway, I listened to his show today and he played "MacArthur Park" (which I associate with the Poet) then "Amigos Para Siempre" (which I associate with MAMJJ), two songs which I never heard him play before.
Lucky Bastard chatted with me in Yahoo and in email. Surf came in once. And December2006 poked me (again) in Facebook. I told him that, because we keep poking back and forth, it's almost like the other kind of poking, except it's in very slow motion. *grins*
Three current lovers and three very friendly ex's.... A little bit here, a little bit there, and I had a full meal of loves this week. :)
*burps*
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Karmic Second Life
Today, I heard a "ding-ding".
The IM was from him, from Tom of The Cromlech. First, there was the system message that said my autoresponse was sent to him. Then, there was his "Hi". That was it. I said "Hi" back. Then a pregnant pause as though we didn't know what to say, which has been typical since we broke up. I asked him what's up. Then a blurry few lines that didn't make sense. Maybe I protested because I asked him not to IM me for a couple of weeks. Maybe I asked him how he was, and all he said was "calm as a wind" or "calm as" something. I forget. But it was a comparison that didn't make sense.
Then I woke up.
This was the most lucid dream I had of him yet. Since the day we met, he had been in my night dreams. There's strong karma here and it's not going to be pleasant. I have a feeling I'm in for a difficult lesson.
In contrast, I had a wonderful morning with Lucky Bastard yesterday before I went to bed. We were on voice the entire time. I mentioned that my new affairs lately seem to last only a week, and he said that maybe I needed someone in real life. I said I don't want a real-life relationship; I have great fear. I hadn't told him the story of my marriage. And as I started telling him, he asked if I wanted to voice instead of typing it out. I guess he sensed it would be a long story. :)
It was the first time I heard his voice. And I heard the voice of a man who is wise and kind and gentle and patient. The voice of a man who cares deeply but doesn't impose his will on others. I heard his laughter. Such wonderful laughter that came with the great wit and sense of humor.
Even though he holds the "title" Lucky Bastard, it is I who am lucky for having met him. He came when I needed him most, and he was there for me. He said that it was karma. If so, I must have done something really good in a previous life.
Towards the end of that conversation, I realized that he is becoming more and more what MAMJJ was to me. Just as MAMJJ was, Lucky Bastard has now also become my teacher, my guru.
The IM was from him, from Tom of The Cromlech. First, there was the system message that said my autoresponse was sent to him. Then, there was his "Hi". That was it. I said "Hi" back. Then a pregnant pause as though we didn't know what to say, which has been typical since we broke up. I asked him what's up. Then a blurry few lines that didn't make sense. Maybe I protested because I asked him not to IM me for a couple of weeks. Maybe I asked him how he was, and all he said was "calm as a wind" or "calm as" something. I forget. But it was a comparison that didn't make sense.
Then I woke up.
This was the most lucid dream I had of him yet. Since the day we met, he had been in my night dreams. There's strong karma here and it's not going to be pleasant. I have a feeling I'm in for a difficult lesson.
In contrast, I had a wonderful morning with Lucky Bastard yesterday before I went to bed. We were on voice the entire time. I mentioned that my new affairs lately seem to last only a week, and he said that maybe I needed someone in real life. I said I don't want a real-life relationship; I have great fear. I hadn't told him the story of my marriage. And as I started telling him, he asked if I wanted to voice instead of typing it out. I guess he sensed it would be a long story. :)
It was the first time I heard his voice. And I heard the voice of a man who is wise and kind and gentle and patient. The voice of a man who cares deeply but doesn't impose his will on others. I heard his laughter. Such wonderful laughter that came with the great wit and sense of humor.
Even though he holds the "title" Lucky Bastard, it is I who am lucky for having met him. He came when I needed him most, and he was there for me. He said that it was karma. If so, I must have done something really good in a previous life.
Towards the end of that conversation, I realized that he is becoming more and more what MAMJJ was to me. Just as MAMJJ was, Lucky Bastard has now also become my teacher, my guru.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Too cerebral
"I find it very distancing and unspontaneous. Everything seems deliberate. Too deliberate, too cerebral."
That's his ISFP self talking about my INTJ self, because I moved him from one alt to another and then proposed a 30-day time limit on the affair, even though I explained why.
But this is who I am. I am INTJ. I'm the exact opposite of what he wants. He wanted me to be emotional, and I thought I already was. With him, I always felt not good enough, and more than once I felt like an idiot because I didn't know some obscure fact. Why the hell am I expected to know about a little country in Africa? As an ISFP, he's more interested in facts. As INTJ, I'm more interested in ideas. I accept that difference; he doesn't.
He would complain about things that I don't know how to fix. He says I have the potential to "sweep someone" (off their feet?) because he had a glimpse of that side of me, and he wanted me to sweep him. I had no idea how. Wasn't that something that just happens spontaneously?
When I think about it, his questions probing about my relationships, asking me to compare him with other men I've been with, felt as though he was choosing between me and another, as though he was weighing the pros and cons of being with me.
Finally, he pondered that we might be better off as friends than lovers. So, we remain friends, but I warned hm I don't have time for friends. He didn't like that.
Yesterday he IM'd me just to say hello, but, as usual, he was distracted. He was dancing with an old flame, while working and chatting with me. I told him I thought it was disrespectful to her because he wasn't focusing on her. He disagreed. I asked if she even knew that he was chatting with me, and he said that he didn't have to give status reports.
He IM'd me again in the evening. I thought that if he kept IM'ing me, that he was hurting from the breakup, so I offered a hug, and he accepted. But, as we started talking, he seemed very cynical and cold. And he was distracted again, I'm sure, so I said I needed to get back to work. I had given him time during the past week, in spite of having deadlines. There was no point to that, if he's not my lover anymore. I don't have to wait on him.
After we said goodnight, I IM'd him again with a request. I asked for no contact for a couple of weeks, to give me time to heal. After a short discussion, he finally agreed. There would be silence.
I know he's hurting, but he's too proud to admit it. In that sense, we are very much alike. I am hurting but I'm too proud to admit it. At least, to him. I confess in this blog instead.
They say we hate in other people what we hate about ourselves, and we admire in other people what we like about ourselves. There were many instances when he rubbed me the wrong way unconsciously and I let them pass. It'll take some time for me to process what he is reflecting back to me. If nothing else, maybe I'd learn a lesson or two.
A lotus
As if on cue, Lucky Bastard logged in after a long absence, looking for me since yesterday. I think there's a psychic link between us now that he could sense when I need him, when my heart is breaking.
We caught up with each other today (technically yesterday) and he said he was thinking about me. I jokingly asked which part of me he was thinking of and he simply said, "soul." And after we passed witty remarks about my dirty mind, he said, "lotus always grows in the dirtiest waters."
A compliment is one thing. That was way beyond a compliment. That was a witnessing. It was as though he said, "I see the true you" in the deepest sense.
I remember something I said many years ago to MAMJJ that he was my witness. At that time, he was the only one who knew my RL identity and my RL-associated alt and he was witness to everything I did. He hasn't been into SL for a very long time now.
Now, Lucky is my witness. He sees me. All the way into my soul.
In a world like this, it is extremely rare to find someone who cares deeply enough to watch over you, who delves deep to truly know you, who accepts and loves you exactly for who you are. He never said he loves me. But what he does for me speaks volumes.
A song dedication
I was feeling lost. Once in a while, I'd get a surge of emotions so strong that my torso would physically curl as though I was hit in the chest. But I have to work.
I was playing Il Divo in Rhapsody in the background. When I heard "Come Primavera", I remembered Rapido. After I checked the time, I realized it was halfway through his show, and I hadn't listened to his show for months, so I did.
He was talking when I turned it on. And suddenly the world changed. It felt like it did when we were together. Images came back to my mind... the pavilion with the elephant he never said anything about, the hammock on the beach sky-orb. There was sun in my mind again.
Then suddenly, I half understood he was about to play a song for "una amiga". Then he said "Il Divo". Then he said other things (in Spanish, of course), but he explicitly said "Opal Lei" several times as though he was making sure that I knew it was for me. I had a big grin on my face.
He remembers me. He remembers us.
He knew I was listening, because his website has tools that showed what cities listeners were from.
If it's real, the love never fades away.
That's his ISFP self talking about my INTJ self, because I moved him from one alt to another and then proposed a 30-day time limit on the affair, even though I explained why.
But this is who I am. I am INTJ. I'm the exact opposite of what he wants. He wanted me to be emotional, and I thought I already was. With him, I always felt not good enough, and more than once I felt like an idiot because I didn't know some obscure fact. Why the hell am I expected to know about a little country in Africa? As an ISFP, he's more interested in facts. As INTJ, I'm more interested in ideas. I accept that difference; he doesn't.
He would complain about things that I don't know how to fix. He says I have the potential to "sweep someone" (off their feet?) because he had a glimpse of that side of me, and he wanted me to sweep him. I had no idea how. Wasn't that something that just happens spontaneously?
When I think about it, his questions probing about my relationships, asking me to compare him with other men I've been with, felt as though he was choosing between me and another, as though he was weighing the pros and cons of being with me.
Finally, he pondered that we might be better off as friends than lovers. So, we remain friends, but I warned hm I don't have time for friends. He didn't like that.
Yesterday he IM'd me just to say hello, but, as usual, he was distracted. He was dancing with an old flame, while working and chatting with me. I told him I thought it was disrespectful to her because he wasn't focusing on her. He disagreed. I asked if she even knew that he was chatting with me, and he said that he didn't have to give status reports.
He IM'd me again in the evening. I thought that if he kept IM'ing me, that he was hurting from the breakup, so I offered a hug, and he accepted. But, as we started talking, he seemed very cynical and cold. And he was distracted again, I'm sure, so I said I needed to get back to work. I had given him time during the past week, in spite of having deadlines. There was no point to that, if he's not my lover anymore. I don't have to wait on him.
After we said goodnight, I IM'd him again with a request. I asked for no contact for a couple of weeks, to give me time to heal. After a short discussion, he finally agreed. There would be silence.
I know he's hurting, but he's too proud to admit it. In that sense, we are very much alike. I am hurting but I'm too proud to admit it. At least, to him. I confess in this blog instead.
They say we hate in other people what we hate about ourselves, and we admire in other people what we like about ourselves. There were many instances when he rubbed me the wrong way unconsciously and I let them pass. It'll take some time for me to process what he is reflecting back to me. If nothing else, maybe I'd learn a lesson or two.
A lotus
As if on cue, Lucky Bastard logged in after a long absence, looking for me since yesterday. I think there's a psychic link between us now that he could sense when I need him, when my heart is breaking.
We caught up with each other today (technically yesterday) and he said he was thinking about me. I jokingly asked which part of me he was thinking of and he simply said, "soul." And after we passed witty remarks about my dirty mind, he said, "lotus always grows in the dirtiest waters."
A compliment is one thing. That was way beyond a compliment. That was a witnessing. It was as though he said, "I see the true you" in the deepest sense.
I remember something I said many years ago to MAMJJ that he was my witness. At that time, he was the only one who knew my RL identity and my RL-associated alt and he was witness to everything I did. He hasn't been into SL for a very long time now.
Now, Lucky is my witness. He sees me. All the way into my soul.
In a world like this, it is extremely rare to find someone who cares deeply enough to watch over you, who delves deep to truly know you, who accepts and loves you exactly for who you are. He never said he loves me. But what he does for me speaks volumes.
A song dedication
I was feeling lost. Once in a while, I'd get a surge of emotions so strong that my torso would physically curl as though I was hit in the chest. But I have to work.
I was playing Il Divo in Rhapsody in the background. When I heard "Come Primavera", I remembered Rapido. After I checked the time, I realized it was halfway through his show, and I hadn't listened to his show for months, so I did.
He was talking when I turned it on. And suddenly the world changed. It felt like it did when we were together. Images came back to my mind... the pavilion with the elephant he never said anything about, the hammock on the beach sky-orb. There was sun in my mind again.
Then suddenly, I half understood he was about to play a song for "una amiga". Then he said "Il Divo". Then he said other things (in Spanish, of course), but he explicitly said "Opal Lei" several times as though he was making sure that I knew it was for me. I had a big grin on my face.
He remembers me. He remembers us.
He knew I was listening, because his website has tools that showed what cities listeners were from.
If it's real, the love never fades away.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Poet and broken promises
The Poet
It was just after midnight and I thought I'd hang out at Frank's for a couple of hours before going to bed at 2am, which would give me a good eight hours of sleep before my teleconference.
I was in Alt #11 (as usual these days) in a dark marine blue gown standing by the staircase away from the crowds. Avies came and passed right by and headed to the bar area where most of the people stood. Except one. He walked by, stopped a meter or two away.
I had seen him at Frank's before; his name was familiar. Since he was the only one close to me, I figured I'd check out his profile. I'd also perved his profile before; his RL pic was familiar. Since he had ignored me before, I thought he'd scan my profile, then move on towards the crowd. He didn't. Instead, I heard a ding-ding.
He said something about reading "the thoughtful profile of the quiet lady in green." And I emoted something about looking around for a lady in green. My gown was blue. (It was several hours later, when we went to another sim, that he realized my gown was really blue. I told him I just thought he was color-blind like 70% of men supposedly are. *grins*)
Then he moved closer and stood by me as we talked. For more than two hours, that was all we did -- talk. It wasn't hurried like my usual conversations. It wasn't lazy and laid back like the ones that bore me. Instead, it was deeply thoughtful and -- I'd even say -- hypnotic.
It was as though he always spoke in metaphors. In poetry. His words were full of colorful images, glimpses of magical moments that existed only in the mind.
There was a lot of silences in between, which is also rare in my conversations. They weren't just comfortable silences, they were comfortable pregnant silences. Full of essence.
More than twice, he had hinted at an emotional intimacy that I hadn't even decided on yet. It was as though he had already decided to be my lover. I shushed him. He said he was following his intuition.
For the first hour and a half, I wasn't connecting. I was observing this man who had so obviously fallen for me and I don't understand why. I didn't even buy it. Then he said something that wasn't even significant, except that at the time he said it, I felt a psychic switch, as though I had a paradigm shift. Suddenly, I felt a connection. Suddenly, I grokked him.
We had been talking for two hours before we decided to dance and we went out to the deck by the water. It was only for a few minutes. He wanted to talk by voice, so we went to another sim, which had lots of waterfalls.
We continued to talk. He read me a poem that he had written many years before, inspired by a dream of a green field, and describing an idyllic romantic scene. He had lost it and discovered it again recently. When he read it, it felt as though he was making love to me, and there was nothing sexual about the poem at all. It wasn't the words of the poem, but the sound of his voice and the fact that he was reading it to me. In fact, at that point, it felt as though we had already made love all night.
Much later, he said something -- I can't even remember what it was -- maybe it was a description of a touch. Something very simple and benign. And suddenly, I was very unexpectedly having my first orgasm of the night, without even having touched myself.
To my surprise, after that first lovemaking, he played "Blue Moon" on the piano for me. He said that he improvised and he always played a song a different way each time. So that rendition was unique and for my ears only, and no one else would hear it exactly that way again.
It was already 9:30 am when we started saying goodnight. He was already late for work.
In those nine hours,
* He learned about my alts.
* He sent a friendship request to Opal.
* He revealed his full RL name.
* I revealed my RL identity.
* He saw my RL picture. (He has his in his profile.)
* We had sex three times.
* We voiced.
* We webcammed.
* We agreed to meet irl in April/May.
"It's all very rl to me," he said. This is an RL affair. And I must be crazy but I agreed to give it a try.
Btw, when I logged into Opal afterwards, I accepted his friendship and was going to write the date in the Notes tab (which I do with everyone I meet), when I realized I already had something there. It said, "2009 March 10 at Apollo. Walked away with someone else as I IM'd him."
When I looked in my chat logs for that day, it had the following just after 3am:
Opal Lei: The total and perfect romance is not out there. It's all in our heads. *sigh*
Poet: hearts and souls too, if beautifully opened
Opal Lei smiles.
Broken promises
Well, in the middle of that first lovemaking, I realized I had broken a promise. Two promises, in fact.
At 8am, Lucky Bastard logged in. I told him I was with someone at the moment and he left me alone. But the Poet and I said our goodbyes, LB was still online so I IM'd him, asked if he remembered my promise to give him first dibs after my surgery, explained I had given that opportunity to someone else, and begged for forgiveness. He asked for a minute to think whether to forgive me or not. After the minute, he said, "I forgive you... because you are honest with me."
There's a lot of reasons why this man is my #1; that forgiveness is just one more of those reasons. He was himself again after that and he jokingly asked if it was another 15-hour marathon. When I said it was only nine or ten hours, he said I had a quickie then. :D
I have yet to talk to Surf about the promise I broke.
The rest of my "lovers" seem to have faded away, except Hot Wings who still says hi when he's around. Maybe the rest gave up after they found out I couldn't have sex for a while, and that's fine.
These three primary lovers cover all the bases. I think I'll stop taking on any more for now. The fact that this third one is an RL one is scary to me. So I have a lot of issues to deal with.... assuming I don't bore him before the third date.
Old bear
Another old lover pinged me last night and got caught up on my love affairs. I called him "Bear" because of a picture he used once for his profile pic. It was a picture of a brown bear, which said, "An old bear and his honey live here."
He copied out the three notes he wrote in my profile. The first one was about the day we met. The second one was a reminder to himself to take me to Simone to get me a formal gown. The third one was about the day we broke up.
Since he had to go, I promised him an email explaining why I now allow myself to have affairs with married men.
It was a very long email. :)
It was just after midnight and I thought I'd hang out at Frank's for a couple of hours before going to bed at 2am, which would give me a good eight hours of sleep before my teleconference.
I was in Alt #11 (as usual these days) in a dark marine blue gown standing by the staircase away from the crowds. Avies came and passed right by and headed to the bar area where most of the people stood. Except one. He walked by, stopped a meter or two away.
I had seen him at Frank's before; his name was familiar. Since he was the only one close to me, I figured I'd check out his profile. I'd also perved his profile before; his RL pic was familiar. Since he had ignored me before, I thought he'd scan my profile, then move on towards the crowd. He didn't. Instead, I heard a ding-ding.
He said something about reading "the thoughtful profile of the quiet lady in green." And I emoted something about looking around for a lady in green. My gown was blue. (It was several hours later, when we went to another sim, that he realized my gown was really blue. I told him I just thought he was color-blind like 70% of men supposedly are. *grins*)
Then he moved closer and stood by me as we talked. For more than two hours, that was all we did -- talk. It wasn't hurried like my usual conversations. It wasn't lazy and laid back like the ones that bore me. Instead, it was deeply thoughtful and -- I'd even say -- hypnotic.
It was as though he always spoke in metaphors. In poetry. His words were full of colorful images, glimpses of magical moments that existed only in the mind.
There was a lot of silences in between, which is also rare in my conversations. They weren't just comfortable silences, they were comfortable pregnant silences. Full of essence.
More than twice, he had hinted at an emotional intimacy that I hadn't even decided on yet. It was as though he had already decided to be my lover. I shushed him. He said he was following his intuition.
For the first hour and a half, I wasn't connecting. I was observing this man who had so obviously fallen for me and I don't understand why. I didn't even buy it. Then he said something that wasn't even significant, except that at the time he said it, I felt a psychic switch, as though I had a paradigm shift. Suddenly, I felt a connection. Suddenly, I grokked him.
We had been talking for two hours before we decided to dance and we went out to the deck by the water. It was only for a few minutes. He wanted to talk by voice, so we went to another sim, which had lots of waterfalls.
We continued to talk. He read me a poem that he had written many years before, inspired by a dream of a green field, and describing an idyllic romantic scene. He had lost it and discovered it again recently. When he read it, it felt as though he was making love to me, and there was nothing sexual about the poem at all. It wasn't the words of the poem, but the sound of his voice and the fact that he was reading it to me. In fact, at that point, it felt as though we had already made love all night.
Much later, he said something -- I can't even remember what it was -- maybe it was a description of a touch. Something very simple and benign. And suddenly, I was very unexpectedly having my first orgasm of the night, without even having touched myself.
To my surprise, after that first lovemaking, he played "Blue Moon" on the piano for me. He said that he improvised and he always played a song a different way each time. So that rendition was unique and for my ears only, and no one else would hear it exactly that way again.
It was already 9:30 am when we started saying goodnight. He was already late for work.
In those nine hours,
* He learned about my alts.
* He sent a friendship request to Opal.
* He revealed his full RL name.
* I revealed my RL identity.
* He saw my RL picture. (He has his in his profile.)
* We had sex three times.
* We voiced.
* We webcammed.
* We agreed to meet irl in April/May.
"It's all very rl to me," he said. This is an RL affair. And I must be crazy but I agreed to give it a try.
Btw, when I logged into Opal afterwards, I accepted his friendship and was going to write the date in the Notes tab (which I do with everyone I meet), when I realized I already had something there. It said, "2009 March 10 at Apollo. Walked away with someone else as I IM'd him."
When I looked in my chat logs for that day, it had the following just after 3am:
Opal Lei: The total and perfect romance is not out there. It's all in our heads. *sigh*
Poet: hearts and souls too, if beautifully opened
Opal Lei smiles.
Broken promises
Well, in the middle of that first lovemaking, I realized I had broken a promise. Two promises, in fact.
At 8am, Lucky Bastard logged in. I told him I was with someone at the moment and he left me alone. But the Poet and I said our goodbyes, LB was still online so I IM'd him, asked if he remembered my promise to give him first dibs after my surgery, explained I had given that opportunity to someone else, and begged for forgiveness. He asked for a minute to think whether to forgive me or not. After the minute, he said, "I forgive you... because you are honest with me."
There's a lot of reasons why this man is my #1; that forgiveness is just one more of those reasons. He was himself again after that and he jokingly asked if it was another 15-hour marathon. When I said it was only nine or ten hours, he said I had a quickie then. :D
I have yet to talk to Surf about the promise I broke.
The rest of my "lovers" seem to have faded away, except Hot Wings who still says hi when he's around. Maybe the rest gave up after they found out I couldn't have sex for a while, and that's fine.
These three primary lovers cover all the bases. I think I'll stop taking on any more for now. The fact that this third one is an RL one is scary to me. So I have a lot of issues to deal with.... assuming I don't bore him before the third date.
Old bear
Another old lover pinged me last night and got caught up on my love affairs. I called him "Bear" because of a picture he used once for his profile pic. It was a picture of a brown bear, which said, "An old bear and his honey live here."
He copied out the three notes he wrote in my profile. The first one was about the day we met. The second one was a reminder to himself to take me to Simone to get me a formal gown. The third one was about the day we broke up.
Since he had to go, I promised him an email explaining why I now allow myself to have affairs with married men.
It was a very long email. :)
Friday, February 04, 2011
A day full of lovers
Facebook poke
First, there was a poke in Facebook from a lover from the distant past. I told him to quit poking and come into SL. He agreed that he should, complimented my avatar, and asked a few questions about how my SL was doing. I sent him a long reply. :)
An exchange
In the early afternoon, "Surf" logged in and spent time with me. We were just chatting about random things, like why I have a separate Facebook account for my SL and for my RL. Then he sent me his picture. I declined. He sent it again. And again. I finally accepted.
He has a sweet face with a warm tender smile and sad eyes. So I became indebted. This was the man who waited eleven months to be with me, and he still couldn't believe I consider him a lover. I couldn't leave that gesture unreciprocated. I told him that he could see my picture after we exchange RL info. So, after he sent me his picture, I gave him the link to my personal website. He crashed while browsing, as he thought he would. I waited for him to log back in. When he did, the first words he said were, "You are amazing." He had already quickly scanned my photography site as well. Then he gave me his RL name and a couple of websites linked to him, although he had shrunk his internet footprint, so that was all he had. But he promised that if he reinstates his Facebook account, he'd definitely friend me there.
There was an initial apprehension on my part when we agreed to exchange RL info. I warned him that it could ruin his fantasy. When he got back from browsing, he said that it didn't. But I'll wait and see. I've seen men say that in the heat of desire, and then never show up again.
But it felt comfortable with him. I was only worried about how it would affect his desire for me, not about anything else. It's amazing when you discover that there's already trust there, and someone could love you for who you are inside. He's an RL friend now; we've established that. And it feels nice and warm and comforting and loving.
A short respite
In the evening, "Lucky Bastard" came back. He logged in while I was with Surf and asked him if I could meet him later. He had a long day today, was very tired, and would have another long one tomorrow, but he came back anyway. He doesn't understand how something so simple as that could mean so much to me.
I've been abandoned too many times in SL. Men who refuse to say when they would be in again because it feels like a burden to them; men who say they would come at a certain time and never do. That's the norm.
But that's not him. If he said he would be in, he came in. He might be late, but I always knew that there was a very good reason why.
We talked a bit about business today. And I had to stop him from doing too much for me. I emphasized that I only needed him to give me advice, not to do my research for me too. It's just the way he is. Then we talked about animations and I showed him the Sculpties Mall. With a lot of hugs and kisses interspersed throughout the conversation.
He couldn't stay long, but that was enough for now. My hunger for him is appeased for a while.
About last night
It's strange how these two romances are in stark contrast to a conversation I had with someone else just last night. Let's call him "Spot".
He pinged Alt #11 at Frank's the previous night. He was very gentlemanly, highly intelligent, compassionate, emotional, comfortable with talking, and we had a lot in common. It was a very friendly and interesting conversation with almost no reference to sex. He didn't want sex in SL; he didn't want romances in SL. He is unattached in real life and he wanted the real thing.
However, he played with three women during his early months in SL. And he fell for another woman that he still seemed very attached to. He thought that he was over her, until he talked to me. And he talked about her constantly. I figured, since he wasn't interested in me, maybe my role was to be Dr. Phil. So, I told him the story about the monks crossing the river, and he laughed when I asked him why he was still carrying her. He had heard the story before, but I supposed it surprised him that it applied to his situation.
And I was similarly surprised when he asked if he could add me as a friend and what time I was usually in. So we agreed to meet the next night, which was last night.
At first, it was like the previous night. Lots of witty banter. Learning about each other. And then the conversation went into trust. The previous night, he had promised to be brutally honest with me and that he would keep my secrets. But last night, it felt as though he was looking for a loophole.
Suddenly, I realized that he didn't believe anything I said and I couldn't trust anything he said. And if I couldn't trust anything he said, how could I trust his promises? And that meant I was at a very vulnerable position after I had revealed so much about myself. Maybe it was a good thing that he didn't trust anything I said either, but I still felt very vulnerable. So, I started saying goodnight, making the excuse that it's very late for him anyway. I had to cut my losses.
But he challenged me. He said that it was very interesting that I would say goodnight at that point in the conversation. And as we continued arguing, he changed the dance into a slow one where he was holding me close. I commented on it.
He said that, sometimes, doing the paradoxical thing was the right thing to do. He added that "people need to be reminded sometimes why they're fighting."
I asked why *we* were fighting. His reply was, "well people in relationships are fighting to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."
I argued that he and I were not in a relationship. He agreed and said, "So I have no idea why I had this idea to do this."
I was ready to walk away. Why did he hold me back?
Suddenly, he was very nice and sweet. The song "My One and Only Love" played on the stream and he typed out the lyrics in chat as though he was singing it to me. I succumbed and mellowed out. Then we said goodnight.
He wants only RL. I want only SL. And he still carries one other in his mind. A lot of things would have to happen before he could be a lover:
1. We'd have to learn to trust each other. We can't even have a friendship without trust.
2. One of us would have to give in about the SL/RL thing.
3. He has to stop carrying her in her mind, or go back and carry her across the river so he could set her down; otherwise, our conversations would always be about her.
4. He has to be willing to carry *me* across the river, and, at this point, he's not willing to cross that river with anyone in SL.
So, it's not gonna happen. And that's a good thing. So I have more time to focus on my current ones. The ones who fill my heart.
First, there was a poke in Facebook from a lover from the distant past. I told him to quit poking and come into SL. He agreed that he should, complimented my avatar, and asked a few questions about how my SL was doing. I sent him a long reply. :)
An exchange
In the early afternoon, "Surf" logged in and spent time with me. We were just chatting about random things, like why I have a separate Facebook account for my SL and for my RL. Then he sent me his picture. I declined. He sent it again. And again. I finally accepted.
He has a sweet face with a warm tender smile and sad eyes. So I became indebted. This was the man who waited eleven months to be with me, and he still couldn't believe I consider him a lover. I couldn't leave that gesture unreciprocated. I told him that he could see my picture after we exchange RL info. So, after he sent me his picture, I gave him the link to my personal website. He crashed while browsing, as he thought he would. I waited for him to log back in. When he did, the first words he said were, "You are amazing." He had already quickly scanned my photography site as well. Then he gave me his RL name and a couple of websites linked to him, although he had shrunk his internet footprint, so that was all he had. But he promised that if he reinstates his Facebook account, he'd definitely friend me there.
There was an initial apprehension on my part when we agreed to exchange RL info. I warned him that it could ruin his fantasy. When he got back from browsing, he said that it didn't. But I'll wait and see. I've seen men say that in the heat of desire, and then never show up again.
But it felt comfortable with him. I was only worried about how it would affect his desire for me, not about anything else. It's amazing when you discover that there's already trust there, and someone could love you for who you are inside. He's an RL friend now; we've established that. And it feels nice and warm and comforting and loving.
A short respite
In the evening, "Lucky Bastard" came back. He logged in while I was with Surf and asked him if I could meet him later. He had a long day today, was very tired, and would have another long one tomorrow, but he came back anyway. He doesn't understand how something so simple as that could mean so much to me.
I've been abandoned too many times in SL. Men who refuse to say when they would be in again because it feels like a burden to them; men who say they would come at a certain time and never do. That's the norm.
But that's not him. If he said he would be in, he came in. He might be late, but I always knew that there was a very good reason why.
We talked a bit about business today. And I had to stop him from doing too much for me. I emphasized that I only needed him to give me advice, not to do my research for me too. It's just the way he is. Then we talked about animations and I showed him the Sculpties Mall. With a lot of hugs and kisses interspersed throughout the conversation.
He couldn't stay long, but that was enough for now. My hunger for him is appeased for a while.
About last night
It's strange how these two romances are in stark contrast to a conversation I had with someone else just last night. Let's call him "Spot".
He pinged Alt #11 at Frank's the previous night. He was very gentlemanly, highly intelligent, compassionate, emotional, comfortable with talking, and we had a lot in common. It was a very friendly and interesting conversation with almost no reference to sex. He didn't want sex in SL; he didn't want romances in SL. He is unattached in real life and he wanted the real thing.
However, he played with three women during his early months in SL. And he fell for another woman that he still seemed very attached to. He thought that he was over her, until he talked to me. And he talked about her constantly. I figured, since he wasn't interested in me, maybe my role was to be Dr. Phil. So, I told him the story about the monks crossing the river, and he laughed when I asked him why he was still carrying her. He had heard the story before, but I supposed it surprised him that it applied to his situation.
And I was similarly surprised when he asked if he could add me as a friend and what time I was usually in. So we agreed to meet the next night, which was last night.
At first, it was like the previous night. Lots of witty banter. Learning about each other. And then the conversation went into trust. The previous night, he had promised to be brutally honest with me and that he would keep my secrets. But last night, it felt as though he was looking for a loophole.
Suddenly, I realized that he didn't believe anything I said and I couldn't trust anything he said. And if I couldn't trust anything he said, how could I trust his promises? And that meant I was at a very vulnerable position after I had revealed so much about myself. Maybe it was a good thing that he didn't trust anything I said either, but I still felt very vulnerable. So, I started saying goodnight, making the excuse that it's very late for him anyway. I had to cut my losses.
But he challenged me. He said that it was very interesting that I would say goodnight at that point in the conversation. And as we continued arguing, he changed the dance into a slow one where he was holding me close. I commented on it.
He said that, sometimes, doing the paradoxical thing was the right thing to do. He added that "people need to be reminded sometimes why they're fighting."
I asked why *we* were fighting. His reply was, "well people in relationships are fighting to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."
I argued that he and I were not in a relationship. He agreed and said, "So I have no idea why I had this idea to do this."
I was ready to walk away. Why did he hold me back?
Suddenly, he was very nice and sweet. The song "My One and Only Love" played on the stream and he typed out the lyrics in chat as though he was singing it to me. I succumbed and mellowed out. Then we said goodnight.
He wants only RL. I want only SL. And he still carries one other in his mind. A lot of things would have to happen before he could be a lover:
1. We'd have to learn to trust each other. We can't even have a friendship without trust.
2. One of us would have to give in about the SL/RL thing.
3. He has to stop carrying her in her mind, or go back and carry her across the river so he could set her down; otherwise, our conversations would always be about her.
4. He has to be willing to carry *me* across the river, and, at this point, he's not willing to cross that river with anyone in SL.
So, it's not gonna happen. And that's a good thing. So I have more time to focus on my current ones. The ones who fill my heart.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Heavy breathing
Once in a while, a man says something that totally makes your day. It's not always the words he says, but the situation too and, most importantly, the sincerity.
"Lucky Bastard" and I were at Vista Animations, and he was testing the "Irresistible Male AO" which had the breathing animations.
After we both agreed that we liked it, he suddenly said, "i am breathing heavy when i see you."
LB is a quiet man; he's not the effusive type. So, when he says something like that, it hits me hard.
And it made my day. :D
"Lucky Bastard" and I were at Vista Animations, and he was testing the "Irresistible Male AO" which had the breathing animations.
After we both agreed that we liked it, he suddenly said, "i am breathing heavy when i see you."
LB is a quiet man; he's not the effusive type. So, when he says something like that, it hits me hard.
And it made my day. :D
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Igloo, the Surf, and the hermit
Maybe it was out of spite because "6-Minute Dancer" didn't come in at 7pm that evening as he said he would. But I took Alt #11 out again and met someone new again.
Igloo
It was already past midnight when he finally got the courage to IM me. He said he was waiting for the other guy who was standing next to me to leave. Like "6-Minute", he remarked about the comment I had in my 1st Life tab. At the start of the conversation, he was chatting as though we were buddies, but, towards the end, his tone had changed.
"I have met a lot of people in SL," he said. "You take the cake."
I was explaining why I have multiple alts and he said I was complicated. We talked about a lot of things. He was reluctant to reveal much about him so soon. So I did most of the talking. We talked about my lovers, about my work in SL.
"Ever considered living in an igloo?" he asked out of the blue.
By the end of the dance, we kinda had an understanding that he would be one of my lovers and that we would buy an igloo to live in.
Surf
"Surf" is not really a new friend. I met him almost a year ago, while updating my vendors and paying rent at Surf Camp. He was very new. Somehow, he offended me with something he said. To apologize, he bought a bikini set from me. But since it wasn't transferable, he essentially lost his money. But he was a good enough sport and offered to put it on. His arrogance turned me off.
However, since then, every time he saw me, he would say that mine was still the best avie he had ever seen in SL.
Then a few months ago, he said, "You are very complex and I want to consume you." Well, I didn't want to be consumed, so there'd be nothing left of me, so I avoided him.
When I first met him, he was about to have surgery. And now that I've had one, although a different one, it feels as though we now have something that binds us. I suppose I've softened towards him. And suddenly, he pulls back. In spite of all the chasing he had been doing, now that I turn around and pay attention, he is suddenly scared. I told him that I think he's afraid of me because he knows that an experience with me would transform him. And yet, he can't stay away.
"It's like you have kryptonite and I am Superman," he said.
Well, he'd be one of the lovers I'd ravish at the end of my fast.
So, what's wrong?
Five lovers. The Captain, the Lucky Bastard, the 6-Minute Dancer, the Igloo, and the Surf. Except for the Igloo which was a more casual feel to it, the other four have strong emotions involved. Too strong. And I have no outlet.
I'm having a spat with 6-Minute Dancer and I'm not handling it well. It feels like a break-up and I have this urge to crawl under a rock and die. To begin with, my intuition screams for me to run away from him anyway, just like I felt after the first kiss, because he would break my heart. But, at the same time, I know that, if I left now, I would be the young monk and carry him around for a long time.
I am overwhelmed. All these strong emotions that I feel for each of them overwhelms me. I am losing my balance.
So I'm thinking of being a hermit again. At least until my fast is over. But I don't know. I have made too many commitments to just disappear. I'll have to think this through. I just know I need to get centered.
Igloo
It was already past midnight when he finally got the courage to IM me. He said he was waiting for the other guy who was standing next to me to leave. Like "6-Minute", he remarked about the comment I had in my 1st Life tab. At the start of the conversation, he was chatting as though we were buddies, but, towards the end, his tone had changed.
"I have met a lot of people in SL," he said. "You take the cake."
I was explaining why I have multiple alts and he said I was complicated. We talked about a lot of things. He was reluctant to reveal much about him so soon. So I did most of the talking. We talked about my lovers, about my work in SL.
"Ever considered living in an igloo?" he asked out of the blue.
By the end of the dance, we kinda had an understanding that he would be one of my lovers and that we would buy an igloo to live in.
Surf
"Surf" is not really a new friend. I met him almost a year ago, while updating my vendors and paying rent at Surf Camp. He was very new. Somehow, he offended me with something he said. To apologize, he bought a bikini set from me. But since it wasn't transferable, he essentially lost his money. But he was a good enough sport and offered to put it on. His arrogance turned me off.
However, since then, every time he saw me, he would say that mine was still the best avie he had ever seen in SL.
Then a few months ago, he said, "You are very complex and I want to consume you." Well, I didn't want to be consumed, so there'd be nothing left of me, so I avoided him.
When I first met him, he was about to have surgery. And now that I've had one, although a different one, it feels as though we now have something that binds us. I suppose I've softened towards him. And suddenly, he pulls back. In spite of all the chasing he had been doing, now that I turn around and pay attention, he is suddenly scared. I told him that I think he's afraid of me because he knows that an experience with me would transform him. And yet, he can't stay away.
"It's like you have kryptonite and I am Superman," he said.
Well, he'd be one of the lovers I'd ravish at the end of my fast.
So, what's wrong?
Five lovers. The Captain, the Lucky Bastard, the 6-Minute Dancer, the Igloo, and the Surf. Except for the Igloo which was a more casual feel to it, the other four have strong emotions involved. Too strong. And I have no outlet.
I'm having a spat with 6-Minute Dancer and I'm not handling it well. It feels like a break-up and I have this urge to crawl under a rock and die. To begin with, my intuition screams for me to run away from him anyway, just like I felt after the first kiss, because he would break my heart. But, at the same time, I know that, if I left now, I would be the young monk and carry him around for a long time.
I am overwhelmed. All these strong emotions that I feel for each of them overwhelms me. I am losing my balance.
So I'm thinking of being a hermit again. At least until my fast is over. But I don't know. I have made too many commitments to just disappear. I'll have to think this through. I just know I need to get centered.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
On the opposite bank
I write this as I wait for him to log in. Today is the last day of my binge.
It's not that we spent all of the past week together; he had other obligations after all. But he gave me all his free time, and even some of his sleep time. Before he met me, he rarely logged in. But he was inworld every day this past week, even if only for a short while to say hi.
I am overwhelmed. I go into surgery tomorrow, and, at a time when I most needed someone, he was here for me. Going out of his way to be here with me. To indulge me, a stranger.
Our conversations have always been lighthearted and flirty. He is gentle with me and his consistency amazes me. No drama. No heavy emotions. And yet I wonder. We never exchanged "I love you"'s, but if he didn't love me, would he have done this much for me?
I don't have the words to tell him how much this means to me. All I could say was that I really really appreciated it, and even that felt insufficient.
After today, he would not be exclusive to me anymore, because he couldn't be here often and because we are both fiercely independent spirits. But we remain lovers. And most certainly, we remain friends.
But the strange thing is that I'm crying, because it feels as though I'm losing something precious. We've crossed the river and we stand on the opposite bank. We'll walk together for a little while longer, but I know that our paths would slowly diverge. And that is what saddens me.
It's not that we spent all of the past week together; he had other obligations after all. But he gave me all his free time, and even some of his sleep time. Before he met me, he rarely logged in. But he was inworld every day this past week, even if only for a short while to say hi.
I am overwhelmed. I go into surgery tomorrow, and, at a time when I most needed someone, he was here for me. Going out of his way to be here with me. To indulge me, a stranger.
Our conversations have always been lighthearted and flirty. He is gentle with me and his consistency amazes me. No drama. No heavy emotions. And yet I wonder. We never exchanged "I love you"'s, but if he didn't love me, would he have done this much for me?
I don't have the words to tell him how much this means to me. All I could say was that I really really appreciated it, and even that felt insufficient.
After today, he would not be exclusive to me anymore, because he couldn't be here often and because we are both fiercely independent spirits. But we remain lovers. And most certainly, we remain friends.
But the strange thing is that I'm crying, because it feels as though I'm losing something precious. We've crossed the river and we stand on the opposite bank. We'll walk together for a little while longer, but I know that our paths would slowly diverge. And that is what saddens me.
Monday, January 03, 2011
6-day binge
The horse carriage happened. :D OMG, I was so weak afterwards.
We decided I'd do voice even if he couldn't because he doesn't have a mic. He had never done voice with anyone before. And I thought he had never roleplayed before, but he did very well. OMG Too well.
He indulges me. I asked him to change his shape, he did without argument. He cuddled with me afterwards for a long while. I warned him that it was the point where we would bond, and he was fine with it, as though he *did* want to bond. Whenever possible, he would request that I be on voice; he loves listening to my voice. When he's sweet and romantic, it's not because it's a prelude to sex. He's sweet and romantic, just because.
We both wanted the same things. We both didn't want exclusivity, but I wanted him all to myself for a while, and I told him so. But it was time for him to leave and that gave me a bit of time to think. When he logged back in the evening, we had a talk. I rescinded my request because it would be unfair to him. I can't hold him for a couple of months when I couldn't be here myself.
Then I told him the story of the two monks and the woman by the river. I told him that Buddhists believe that the reason we keep reincarnating is because of our desires that keep us attached to this existence. So I didn't want to be that young monk. I wanted to indulge my desires.
I wanted to binge on him.
He understood.
So, he'd give me exclusivity for the next 6 days, or at least whenever he could log in. And that makes me happy. I'm getting my 6-day binge.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Personal boundaries
Before I start, I just wanted to give an update. Racer and I went our separate ways because he said that, if I would not be his love slave, he didn't want me. So that was that.
New lover
But now, I have a new lover, also with Alt #11. I danced with this one before and I thought it wasn't going to develop into anything. But he saw me today at Sweethearts again when he logged in. (Apparently, he doesn't leave Sweethearts.) And almost immediately, he asked me to dance even though I was already in IM with two other guys. So I said I was going to wrap up my convos first. He waited. Both the other two also asked me for a dance but I said I was already asked. One of them actually waited for hours, hoping to get a dance afterwards, until he finally gave up and went to bed.
Even though he was already sleepy, new lover stayed with me for hours, and somehow the conversation felt as though we were negotiating terms for a romantic and sexual relationship. We went to Sunset Jazz then to the Africa sim for a balloon ride. I've been to the Africa sim many times before. A lover introduced me to that sim. However, I had never taken the balloon ride before today, and the last time I went on any rides with a lover was on the now-gone Acropolis sims.
I'll call this lover "Victor", because I told him that his avie (with the tux he was wearing today) looks like a Victorian gentleman, which somehow made me think of being ravished inside a horse carriage. Yeah, we'll be trying that RP sometime. *winks*
(Update: I'm changing his nickname to "Lucky Bastard" because, when he asked me for a dance, one of the convos I had to wrap up called him that. And after my week-long binge I gave him a custom "Etched" set with those words on it, as a thank you gift.)
Anyway, after he logged off, I logged in as Opal and decided to go to Franks since I was still dressed in that new gorgeous red gown that I bought from Son!a's for New Year's.
Boundaries
I was standing quietly in the corner by the stairs, checking out profiles when I suddenly got an IM that said:
That pissed me off. I wanted to choke him. Instead, I said, "You can easily get slapped that way."
How would you feel if you were just quietly standing in public and a complete stranger comes up behind you and kisses you? It's a transgression in my personal space. I'd consider that a form of rape. He didn't even give me a chance to react and prevent him from kissing me. Even the vampire in the Africa sim at least asked for my permission first.
Some people would say it's just SL. I'd say how is that different? Just because I'm in SL and my avatar is just made of pixels, it doesn't mean anybody can do with my avatar as they pleased.
This guy's rez date was recent, so I asked if this was his first account in SL. He replied "no". If he were a real newbie, I would have forgiven him. I would have thought that he just didn't know what the proper etiquette is in SL. But if he's been in SL a while, that behavior is inexcusable.
If he did that in real life to a complete stranger, his face would be slapped, his foot stomped on, and his balls kneed. And deservedly so. And if I had a boyfriend with me, he would probably have been beaten to a pulp too.
The guy disappeared soon after. I guess he finally realized what he did was not welcomed at all.
New lover
But now, I have a new lover, also with Alt #11. I danced with this one before and I thought it wasn't going to develop into anything. But he saw me today at Sweethearts again when he logged in. (Apparently, he doesn't leave Sweethearts.) And almost immediately, he asked me to dance even though I was already in IM with two other guys. So I said I was going to wrap up my convos first. He waited. Both the other two also asked me for a dance but I said I was already asked. One of them actually waited for hours, hoping to get a dance afterwards, until he finally gave up and went to bed.
Even though he was already sleepy, new lover stayed with me for hours, and somehow the conversation felt as though we were negotiating terms for a romantic and sexual relationship. We went to Sunset Jazz then to the Africa sim for a balloon ride. I've been to the Africa sim many times before. A lover introduced me to that sim. However, I had never taken the balloon ride before today, and the last time I went on any rides with a lover was on the now-gone Acropolis sims.
I'll call this lover "Victor", because I told him that his avie (with the tux he was wearing today) looks like a Victorian gentleman, which somehow made me think of being ravished inside a horse carriage. Yeah, we'll be trying that RP sometime. *winks*
(Update: I'm changing his nickname to "Lucky Bastard" because, when he asked me for a dance, one of the convos I had to wrap up called him that. And after my week-long binge I gave him a custom "Etched" set with those words on it, as a thank you gift.)
Anyway, after he logged off, I logged in as Opal and decided to go to Franks since I was still dressed in that new gorgeous red gown that I bought from Son!a's for New Year's.
Boundaries
I was standing quietly in the corner by the stairs, checking out profiles when I suddenly got an IM that said:
[2011/01/01 23:58] Flirt Sorciere puts some mistletoe over head and boldly kisses her while saying "Happy New Year"!
That pissed me off. I wanted to choke him. Instead, I said, "You can easily get slapped that way."
How would you feel if you were just quietly standing in public and a complete stranger comes up behind you and kisses you? It's a transgression in my personal space. I'd consider that a form of rape. He didn't even give me a chance to react and prevent him from kissing me. Even the vampire in the Africa sim at least asked for my permission first.
Some people would say it's just SL. I'd say how is that different? Just because I'm in SL and my avatar is just made of pixels, it doesn't mean anybody can do with my avatar as they pleased.
This guy's rez date was recent, so I asked if this was his first account in SL. He replied "no". If he were a real newbie, I would have forgiven him. I would have thought that he just didn't know what the proper etiquette is in SL. But if he's been in SL a while, that behavior is inexcusable.
If he did that in real life to a complete stranger, his face would be slapped, his foot stomped on, and his balls kneed. And deservedly so. And if I had a boyfriend with me, he would probably have been beaten to a pulp too.
The guy disappeared soon after. I guess he finally realized what he did was not welcomed at all.
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