Birthday doppelganger

"Aha !" was how he titled his email.

Your bday gift is got !

You'll have to tell me when you'll wish to receive it ;)

 And I initially thought, Hmmm, he bought another sex furniture?!

At the designated time on Oct 1, my birthday gift said hello.

I knew she was my gift because her username was very close to my real name. And that felt weird.

Flashback to the Captain

Many years ago, I was going to create an alt for the Captain to use in a BDSM roleplay with him. He said that doms typically named their subs. And when I asked him what he wanted me to name my new alt, he said my real name. I declined. I reasoned that it could make me lose my anonymity. He eventually gave me a different name but still related to my real name.

So, when I realized that Wolfgang named my gift after me, I had mixed emotions. But there's more....

(By the way, during the first week of October, the Captain logged in after a long absence. And so did Rocky, also after a very long absence. I wondered if long lost lovers returning to SL was going to be a trend, but it was just the two of them.  :)  )

Mini-me

When my gift teleported to where we were (we = one of our paired alts), I saw an avie who was dark-skinned and short. And I wondered,

Is this his interpretation of what I look like irl?

Why is he trying to recreate my RL self in SL?

What does it mean?

Her face is his style, however. Big eyes. Full lips.

We chose to give her a different display name, so I don't feel too uncomfortable referring to someone else with my almost-RL-name.

But he still felt I was distant from her.

Voluntary alt births

He used to be very resistant to creating private alts. I won't go through his reasons here. But last August, he created one without any prompting from me. That alt would be exclusive to me, to our group. And he created her to be a companion to one of my unpaired alts in our group.

I was very honored by that gift, but I considered the core (and most important aspect) of the gift to be the gesture, not the alt.

However, because we didn't discuss the creation of his new alt, I felt as though he was trying to curtail the freedom of my alt that he created that alt for. He assured me he wasn't, but he just wanted my alt to be more included in our "family."

I had always said that the pairs we have are like the big bolts that hold our relationship together. On the other hand, he prefers to mix up our alts in different ways to avoid too much familiarity (which breeds contempt) and for more sexiness.

So pinning down my free alt was probably one way for him to solidify our relationship. So I didn't mind so much that my alt's freedom feels curtailed. I see only him mostly anyway, so I didn't really need that freedom, but it's just the principle of it, the feeling of being free.

The creation of my birthday gift was a logical thing for him to do. He was trying to pin down another of my free alts, who was the third wheel in one of the pairs. But he had another motive.... He also wanted a different kind of sexual relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.

The past few days, we discussed the birthday gift's role in our family. We had to redefine who she and her partner should be to make things more comfortable for me. We finally settled on it today.

Wolf love

He is changing. Our relationship is changing. But the more I learn about him, the more I admire him and adore him.

Maybe he is this way only with me. He did say that he does certain things only for me. And, in addition, he listens to me more and he pays attention. And he tries to do things to please me.

He never said he loved me. But, if this isn't love, what is?

Tying a posthumous knot

My fifth partnership in all of SL. My third with Wolfgang. Another tie that binds me to him. Another knot.

We decided to do it today, which is exactly five years after I surrendered to him in our first RP. The surrender that felt like a wedding.

We also decided to do it all without logging the pair into SL. It was all done on the website. Our relationship still has landmines, and this pair is one of those landmines. Too risky. Too emotional. And he is fighting to keep us together by avoiding those landmines.

We were logged into our current pair, which was the first pair we partnered. And we went to the "grave site" of the pair we partnered today to do the partnership there. It felt like a wake, like a ceremony for the dead. It was bittersweet. I cried.

Then I thought to bring Alt #6 to "visit" us again. I saw his strong affection for her, his sadness for losing her, how he missed her. At moments like that, he reminds me of my father.

But he was soothed with her presence. Well, more aroused than soothed. Just by her presence, he said. Like Pavlov's dogs, I said. He laughed.

Needless to say, I was late for work. :)

At this date of valentine

[2017/02/14 06:22]  

Wolfgang#7: I had a litte thought

Alt#35: yes?

Wolfgang#7: I know it is precipited and maybe little sily, and i m not very much in symbols

Wolfgang#7: and i don't know if you ll wish

Wolfgang#7: but in case you d wish, and thought it was nice to do, although the complication when we don't use the couple

Wolfgang#7: we could partner them at this date of valentine

Alt#35: :D

Alt#35: I wish! And I accept!

We were talking about his two alts whom I rejected, because they've been with his other lovers. I deemed them "unpure". Then we talked about my other alts.

He wanted to wake up Alt#27 but he didn't want to wake up his alt that was paired with her. That particular alt of his is male, and he didn't want to do MF. Instead, he wanted to created a new (female) alt to be with #27. I declined. #27 belongs with that specific alt, and I couldn't see her waking up while her lover remains hibernating. So, instead, I introduced him to #35.

He had mixed feelings.

A screenshot of my horoscope for today.
 © AstrologyZone Susan Miller

Almost three years ago, I was deeply hurt because he showed favoritism to one of his other lovers. Just as I personified Death, I personified my pain, my jealousy, my anger. Alt#35 was born. She roamed for a while, then I finally decided to stop hurting myself with my own anger. So I put her to sleep, with no one knowing about her at all.

When he met her, Wolfgang said that, in a sense, she was our daughter, taking a hint from something I wrote in her profile. Plus, I explained that her name came from a poem that he wrote for me. He was very glad to meet her; however, the reason for her existence bothered him.

I was surprised when he created his own alt to be with and to be like Alt#35. They would be another pair that are exclusive only to us, to our "inner circle". Pure.

Today was the first day those alts "met" and spent time together. About fifteen minutes before I had to leave to get ready for work, he had a little thought. So, we quickly wrestled with the partnering process.

By the time I hopped in the shower, they had each other's names in their profiles. My fourth SL partnership; two with him.

I also agreed to go back and partner Alt#27 with her lover, a partnership that I declined angrily in the past. But we would do that next month on the fifth anniversary of our very first meeting in 2012, so it would be a significant day for us. Then, I would have a total of five partnerships, three with him.

Melting walls

Wolfgang:

this is the contradiction inside these [abysmal] creatures
She reject like, and desire to be liked
the doomed creatures
cursed

Me:

Those are the creatures who really need love most.
But they build walls around them, so they cannot feel the love that's just outside the door.
So they keep looking for it and craving for it.

Wolfgang:

yes something like that
and when they feel it around, they get panicked
or strangled by

Me:

Because it means the walls melted and they feel vulnerable.

We were talking about one of his personas, but my responses were also about me.


That was part of the hour-and-a-half conversation that we had on Saturday (yesterday). During our twelve-and-a-half meeting today, the walls melted away.

Yesterday, I challenged him to let me do something that I knew he would never agree to. It was just a joke. After a lot of back-and-forth about levels of gifts, he agreed. I thought it was still a joke.

Today, we shopped for what we needed. I still thought he would back out. Or we'd call it just another RP and have fun. He later admitted that he also delayed it by taking me shopping at another store. He was nervous about it. But it was almost time for his bedtime. And he promised it today.

Just a few moments before I started, I realized how significant this was. And almost instinctively, I tried to distract him, like the best doctors and dentists do when they know they are about to do something very uncomfortable for the patient. I asked him detailed questions about what he had for his RL dinner.

It was over in less than a minute. Then, I held his avie tightly. I was very overwhelmed. My tears fell irl, and I told him so.

There are a few very significant moments in our relationship. The first time was during our RP when I felt as though we became wedded, because I surrendered to him. In that moment, it felt as though our relationship fast-forwarded to a deep intimacy. Today's experience felt just like that. Except it felt like it was he who surrendered to me. The effect was the same and just as strong as the first time.

And I realized many things. I understood many of the things he told me in the past, and now I believe him because I experienced it myself. It is very illogical, but I cannot deny what I felt.

My anger dissipated. My pain was soothed. He gave me a very big gift. And I felt it. And he felt my response. For real. Today, he paid his emotional debt.

Many men have lost sleep just to spend a few more hours with me. But not Wolfgang. Until now. He went to sleep three hours late. because, as he said, "it s hard to leave when you are sweet like that."

I've never returned to a past lover. Until now.

Damn oxytocin

I warned him about oxytocin, even before we met irl. He said he wouldn't be affected; he worried more about me. I told him that I had to allow it to do its work. Without it, I wouldn't even have agreed to meet him. And I wanted to experience him.

At first, I thought I could control it. The experience was wonderfully comfortable, not uncontrollably crazy.

But when we went back to our normal lives, my insecurities started coming out again. And the doubts came. Strongly. Suddenly, I felt that familiar fight-or-flight panic.

The RP had stopped. I tried to restart it a few times, but each time, the RP just faded or didn't even start at all. Our conversations suddenly shriveled to a very short chat before he fell asleep.

Had he lost interest? Should we even plan to meet again? Am I being played?

Logically, everything seemed fine. He had work issues to deal with, so I expected he would be very busy. But, when we voiced the other night, I asked him anyway. His answer was immediate and sincere.

He said that, before that weekend, the RP was very exciting. But after that weekend, the RP lost its luster, compared to our real life meeting. My heart melted.

I understood what he meant. I had in fact wondered how the RL meeting would affect my virtual sex life. Two weeks ago, virtual was all I needed, virtual was what I preferred.

Suddenly, I've become hungry for physical touch. Not just anybody's touch, but his touch. His hugs. His cuddles. His caresses.

There was a certain quality in how he held me that I didn't expect from someone so young. It felt like a claiming. He claimed my body, without tentativeness as though I was naturally his, and yet without possessiveness either.

Most men flatter with words and gifts. He flattered me with his fingertips exploring my skin, his arms wrapped tight around me, his body pressed against me, his legs entwined around mine. He flattered me in such a way that I forgot who I am.

*sigh*

It was supposed to be just a booty call.

Damn oxytocin. I lost control.

Shaping the bonsai

Photo by Ragesoss

It all started a week and a half ago.

I asked Wolfgang if he missed his sub, who rarely comes in anymore, because her husband discovered her affair. W refused to answer. As I expected. But my question also made him angry. Again, as I expected. And he can be harsh with his words when he's angry. So, I, too, became angry, so I didn't email him during my lunch or before going to bed, as I usually did.

The next day, he informed me that he agreed to meet an old SL friend who was celebrating her birthday and wanted to see him alone, during our usual scheduled time. He didn't ask me beforehand. He simply assumed I didn't want to log in, just because I didn't send email.

I emailed back that it was fine, and I went back to bed. When I woke up, there was an angry email accusing me of not wanting to see him, because I didn't send emails to confirm we would meet during our usual time and because I decided to just go to bed when he said he was meeting his friend. That accusation hit a nerve and I saw red.

I lose sleep to be with him. He is up there on my priority list, and I am even lower than his sub and his other SL friends on his priority list. How dare he accuse me that I didn't want to see him?


Since we met, I kept reminding him that I am neither submissive nor lesbian, and I had always talked about getting more balanced in our unbalanced relationship, which became more and more unbalanced. In the past year, our meetings had been mostly D/s or F-F or both. I'm afraid to ask for his male alt because I sense that he prefers to do something else. The last time I asked for his male alt a few weeks ago, he ignored it entirely and logged in a female alt anyway. But I did the D/s F-F for him because we became closer through those alts until a year ago, when he cut the time he spent with me. I continued the D/s F-F just to keep his interest. It was my sacrifice, but he thought I enjoyed those RPs. I suppose I was very good at RPing a submissive lesbian.

But, with the new job and not getting enough sleep, my cup became empty. It was not just empty; it was bone-dry. I cannot give if I have nothing to give. And my question was... "Is it worth losing sleep for a submissive lesbian RP?" If he saw me as just an RP buddy, why am I make this big a sacrifice?


We touched a lot of points in the past week and a half. Old issues. New issues. New questions. New ways of seeing things. We agreed on very few things. We disagreed on many things.

Yesterday, we defined what RP is. To him, everything, except the OOC chats, is RP. To me, the usual emotes between lovers is not RP, except when his character is female, which becomes "light RP," because he's not really female and I'm not really a lesbian.

In the end, we decided to continue meeting with his male alt (the only male among the four he uses with me) and the only one of mine who has never been collared (among the four I dedicated to him). And we'll see how it goes. From his perspective, our only option is to give up and go our separate ways. I'm fine with giving up too. After all, I was the first one to mention it, early in the argument. But I thought of other options too, including balancing our relationship more and doing the D/s F-F once in a while, but he refused.

He claims that I didn't enjoy his company entirely, just because that type of RP wasn't something I'd choose on my own. But I got to his more tender inner self through his female alts. I compared his more tender inner self to a hallucinogenic drug that I wanted, and his female alts were the needle that caused a little pain so I could get that drug. By taking away the "needle," he was denying me the "drug." He didn't like that metaphor.

Instead, he compared it to cutting branches. He said "the eternal question" is whether to cut the branches or cut the tree. The intent is not to kill the tree, so the "worker" cuts the branches first, although cutting the branches could still kill the tree.

I understood his metaphor. It was a good one too.

Then I thought of the bonsais that I was looking at online a few weeks ago. I used to own a couple of juniper bonsais but I had to give them up when I moved from California to Washington State many years ago. I remember the delicious smell when I pruned them. And I remember reading something about how a challenging environment (too windy, too rocky, fires, wounds on the trunk) makes a tree more beautiful. That's what bonsai masters try to recreate. And that's why they chip and burn the trunk and branches to simulate dead wood, and they prune unnecessary branches, and they wire and twist the remaining branches into shape, and they wait for new branches to sprout. And they nurture the tree everyday.

He doesn't like the bonsai metaphor either, but he said that, if it makes me happy, it's fine with him. :)

So we're trimming most of our branches this time. Hopefully, we don't trim too much that we kill the tree. And if we learn how to do it right, maybe someday we'll have a beautiful bonsai of a relationship.

A seven-minute gift

Wolfgang was thinking of gifts for my alts. Belated Christmas presents. He took a long time to decide. But I had a better idea. Instead of the dress and the shoes that he had planned to get, I said I preferred to see him in Skype.

Although he had sent me several selfies, I had never seen him in Skype, although he had seen me a few times. It's just one of those imbalances in our relationship.

But he hates Skype. More than he hates phones.

"so why to torture me with?" he asked.

"I just want to see you," I replied, "with expressions on your face... to see how you smile..."

"i m not spontaneous," he explained. He receives the message, analyzes it, and responds with the expected reaction.

"And I thought I was funny.  :\ " I pouted.

He LOL'd and explained further, "a good joke make smile inside ... but it is inside." For him, the facial expressions are a way of communicating externally and are, therefore, "fake."

He reiterated that he isn't spontaneous, but he added that he was told he had an expressive face.

We continued talking about fake smiles. I had already accepted the fact that I wouldn't get what I wanted, but he said, "No smile. Just a short time of cam. ... It will be just 2 mins."

He gave me seven. :D

In those seven minutes, he didn't speak to me by voice, so we were typing in IM. Then his phone rang and I listened to him talk fast in French. It sounded like he was hurrying to hang up, but the caller asked another question so the call became twice as long, although probably still under a minute. He sounded impatient, which was understandable, because he really hates talking on the phone for longer than necessary. But I loved listening to him talk. And I told him so. That's when he realized that he forgot to mute himself on Skype. We continued to chat by IM anyway.

In those seven minutes, I was mesmerized. I had to consciously type something and reply to him or else I'd just sit there quietly, drinking him in.

In those seven minutes, he tried to seem cold and distant. But I saw very brief glimpses of emotion. Like the half-second of instantaneous joy when he saw something on the screen in the beginning, when my video came on, although I later realized my image was very dark because I had no lights on in my room. Like his eyes darting to the sides as though looking for escape in the beginning of the call. Like his left hand curling against his left jaw for a moment, then the index fingers of both hands steepling in front of his lips as though he were trying to strike a pose, again for only a brief moment, then both hands disappearing from view. It was as though he didn't know what to do with his hands.

In those seven minutes, I saw a man who tried to project being calm and collected. And, yes, I sensed that coldness, that distance. But I also saw very brief glimpses of discomfort and uneasiness and self-consciousness and vulnerability.

Maybe he really does hate Skype and that's what causes the discomfort and uneasiness and self-consciousness. But it is also very telling that he would do the thing that he hates most, simply because I wished it.

Changing the premise

Wolfgang: what we did is good
Alt#27: what we did?
Wolfgang: yes
Alt#27: what part?
Wolfgang: everything we managed to do together ... we [solved] many obstacles
Alt#27: With much more difficulty than any relationship I've ever had in SL!
Wolfgang: and succeeded to keep it alive since long
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: so, better when difficult than easy
Alt#27: LOL
Wolfgang: but also we created challenges, goals ... imaginations ... we did a lot
Alt#27: /me nods.
Wolfgang: and we continue to do
Alt#27: oui

Alt#27 and one of his female alts were supposed to go out to a BDSM club. But Alt#27's collar was locked, so he had to log in his male alt (her master) to allow the female alt to hold her leash. Something about the RP felt as though he was giving Alt#27 away, and I told him I felt sad. So he logged off his female alt and continued to hold me with his male alt.

I had been feeling insecure because our pairs have been moving around, all within the "family," but he also knew that I saw the original pairings as the glue that kept the whole "family" together, like screws that bolted two metal pieces together at key points. So with the alts "cheating" on their partners (of course, it's still just the two of us) in our RPs, I felt more insecure, like the screws were loosening. Or like the big screws were being replaced by smaller screws. And although there were more smaller screws, it felt as though their total strength didn't add up to the fewer big screws.

Of course, I didn't explain that to him in so many words. I just said I felt sad because it felt like his male alt was giving Alt#27 away. His initial response was "pfft" and that assuaged my insecurities, but we continued the conversation anyway.

After we logged off, I had an epiphany.

Since childhood, I learned to expect the worst, but hope for the best. I did the same with my SL relationships. And since Wolfgang never actually told me that he loved me, I chose to go by the assumption that he didn't, although he argued that his actions said enough.

So, during today's discussion, we had an argument about logic. He claimed that I don't think logically, because my emotions are based on nothing. I replied that I have logic, but my assumptions, my premise, could be wrong, and I start conversations to verify my assumptions. Of course, he calls those conversations "arguments."

Then something occurred to me after we logged off.

I realize that I tend to be insecure, a lot. The more vested I am in a relationship, the more insecure I became. Makes sense, no? But he always says that those insecure emotions have no basis. And he has said it in so many ways. ... "You keep your place with me." ... "I don't give you up." ... "Pfft."

And he expressed it in his own actions. He made sure I felt good in whatever we did or he wouldn't do it. He kept the conversations going. He showed an interest in having a future together. And he showed up. Like he said, we "succeeded to keep it alive since long."

Why am I still insecure?

So, I'm thinking of doing an experiment. This time, I'm going to change my premise. This time, I'm going to go with the assumption that he loves me deeply. That he adores me. (He did say that once, after all.)

This time, I'm going to expect the best.

On all fours

Wolfgang is on a holiday with no access to SL. We've been communicating by email mostly. Very short ones from him, because he could only use his phone, and he hates to type long emails on it.

In the past, I've sent him seductive photos (after converting them to very small jpgs). This time, I am working on a seductive machinima, instead. He knows it's for him. I had been working on it for a long while now, and before he left for vacation, I said it was better for him to see it when he comes back so he would have something to look forward to.

So I wasn't thinking of sending him any photos so I could work on the machinima. But today, he explicitly asked for one.

"Send me [a] nice sexy pic if you wish and can... pick who. And [tell] me why the choice." He meant I could pick which of my alts to take a picture of. We had talked about folding in a fourth alt into the family, one who had once belonged briefly to a lover. But Wolfgang is actually chasing after Opal lately.

I told him I'll let it simmer in my head and send it to him when I get a good idea for one. He said it was simple. "Just to pick [an] avy and sexy pose with a meaning." And he added, "Like... student on [all] fours waiting [for] her roommate..." He was referring to a roleplay we were doing.

I replied that I had to finish the machinima. After a few emails back and forth with pretend tantrums on both sides, I complied. :D

Pick an avy... Done.
Sexy pose... Done. (I suppose boy cats find it sexy.)
On all fours... Done.
Waiting for her roommate.... Oh, yes, hurry home, darling.  :D

I gave him more

"my sub gave me so much of her it is difficult for her to imagine to share my affection"

Wolfgang's stalker returned, and we were talking about the risk of Alt#27 being linked to Opal. He was concerned about his sub finding out, because she is very possessive and she wants to be his only lover. She became aware of Alt#27 a long time ago, but she now thinks Alt#27 is no longer in his life.

What she doesn't know is that I have given him much more than she has. Not only have I given him so much of myself, but I have also given him what I was not. I was not submissive, yet I gave him Alt#27 as his sub, rebellious though she is. I was not bisexual, but I gave him Alt#32 who is partnered to one of his female alts. I loved my sexual freedom, yet I gave him Alt#6, who is now practically exclusive to him, even though he still allows her her freedom.

What I did not have, I created for him. What I was not, I became for him. Even if it was difficult. Even if it was painful.

And more importantly, I give him his freedom. Even if I feel jealous. Even if it hurts me to think of him enjoying the company of another. I give him his freedom, because his happiness is important to me, wherever he might find it. Even if he finds it in the arms of another.

When his sub was gone, I was happy that he spent more time with me. When she returned, he looked forward to seeing her, and I saw less of him, and my heart broke. But I accept it, even if it pains me.

I worried that his sub would find this blog and put two and two together, and she would realize that I am his lover that she felt jealous about a long time ago. If she does, I hope she understands that I accept her presence in his life, because she makes him happy, or else he would not be with her. And I hope she accepts my presence in his life, because I still make him happy somehow, or else he would not be with me.

I allow room for her in his life. I allow room for his other lovers and friends in his life. Because that is how I love him. And because that is how I define love.

Cherished Magdalene

When Wolfgang went on a 10-day holiday, his absence made me very, very insecure. Actually, even before he left. When I said that I felt like he was bored with me, he said it's just my imagination. Logically, I have no reason to doubt us.

Life feels desperate these days, and tears come too easily. And I feel even less secure, in spite of facts. In spite of his concern about my well-being and my mom's well-being. When I'm insecure, I don't see things in a balanced way, and I feel insecure about everything else in my life. So he points out the cold facts. He explains patiently, even when explanations tire him. He had gone through the same experiences, and he described how he saw it and dealt with it. Logically. Brutally honestly.

It shocks me. But it shocks me out of my depression. I asked for brutal honesty, he is one of the few who actually gives it to me.

I know that I'm projecting my RL insecurities onto our relationship. I know it's my current situation and my own insecurities from past affairs. I have not had an SL relationship that lasted this long, and I keep wondering if I'll know, if I'll see the signs, if I'll be blindsided. But he always reminds me that he isn't my other lovers.

Recently, he logged out one of his alts after he logged in one of his other alts that was dedicated to Alt#6. I commented that the first alt must not like me much because she left quickly. It was a silly comment because I was with his other alt. But it bothered him. It bothered him so much that he had to sit me down the next day with the first alt, and he emphasized that he cherishes Alt#6. It was the first time he used the word "cherish."

He made sure I understood how much he wanted her. And he said that, if he could be with only one of my alts, she is the one he would prefer to be with. She, who is my dirty throw-away sex object. She, who is my Magdalene. He cherishes her. I had rarely felt as wanted as I did at that moment; I was so overwhelmed that I cried.

If he could cherish that lowest darkest filthiest side of me and if he thinks of her as virginal in spite of who she was, then maybe it's a given that he cherishes the rest of me.



In other news, mfpwtff sent me a private message after he read my Facebook post about my mom needing bypass surgery almost a couple of months ago. I didn't expect him to respond to it. After all, he had been mostly offline for months too. His short message felt like one of those warm hugs he used to give me inworld, even long after we officially ended our relationship. He is in a new RL relationship now, and he honored me by letting me know. There will be no more anniversary dances, but I retain a very good friend.

Remembering a sweet scent

Four years ago today, I learned about St. George's Day from The Captain.  And each year since, I still remember the giant gardenias he gave me and the ancient ship that we shared as a home.

When we finally parted, he was my longest romance in SL, at ten months. He kept trying to return, but we never really got back together again. And I want to talk about those two facts.

His record (in terms of the lengths of my relationships) has been broken by Wolfgang. But I still remember him with much affection.

However, I've noticed that, regardless of the connection I had with a lover, getting back together never really happens, even if we both wanted it. Situations change. Our schedules change. We change. The connection changes. The relationship changes.  It is difficult to get the same magic back or the same commitment.

But we look back at what we had and remember those moments fondly. And we say hi once in a while. On birthdays, on anniversaries, and on St. George's Day.  :)

Petons, el meu capita.  :)

La Belle et la Bête

A couple of years ago, Yes Man bought a minotaur avie to wear for me, because I had seen a minotaur copulating with a human slave and the scene was surprisingly very erotic.

Wolfgang knew about that minotaur.

We had been talking on and off about what to do with Alt#27 and Wolfgang#6. He felt that we were stagnating there, because we were walking a fine line. We weren't entirely into BDSM and we weren't entirely out of it either. There wasn't much room to move. I would have been fine keeping them as they were, even if they were stagnant, but he figured that, unless they grew, they would eventually disappear.

One day, I mentioned that I missed Wolfgang#2, who was the first of his alts that I met. I missed the connection we had and I wanted to go back to the old roleplay to relive it again. He refused because parts of BDSM hurt me, even if I assured him we would be fine, because we've developed more amiable and more tender connections with each other through our other alt pairs. He still refused.

He didn't want to go back to the past. He preferred to move forward. And, among other ideas, we revisited the beast, which would be a very erotic roleplay. I wasn't sure it was the right idea though. He once refused to wear a hamster avie even if it was just for fun. He reasoned he's not a hamster, and I argued he wasn't female either but he has female avies. I didn't want him to do it reluctantly, so I didn't mention it again, although we explored the Marketplace to see our options. Although he later insisted he already agreed to it, I wasn't so sure.

Deciding what to do next with those alts was a very frustrating argument that took several days, and we both got very frustrated and irritated and angry whenever we talked about it. Even when we were in our other more tender alts. And that's when we finally admitted to ourselves that how we felt in one alt pair would affect other alt pairs.

One evening, he mentioned that he  transferred some L$ to Wolfgang#6 for the beast avie. He wanted me to choose, even the color. And I was surprised. To him, his avies were representations of the real-life him. And yet, here he was, allowing me to define who he would be. He wanted to please me. He wanted me to be happy. And I was overwhelmed.

Maybe he's reciprocating, because he saw how I allowed Alt#6 to split into four characters for him: a cat, a furry, a neko, and the original human and he saw how those alternative avies added very interesting complexities to our interactions. Whatever his reasons, the beast was a wonderful gift.

Then he came up with a wonderful premise for a background story. A curse that turned him into a beast. A love that was torn apart because of it. Souls reincarnating through time and lovers finding each other again in their new incarnations and the curse being invoked again. The story is very promising but still has holes that we'll resolve as we go along. And it was still a form of D/s, but more "excusable" because of the wild nature of the beast.

The other day, we made love with him as the beast for the first time. It was very potent. He could simply take me. And being taken like that (of course, with implicit permission and our safe word) was very arousing.

As we were reflecting on it, I realized that this wasn't like the minotaur at all. The minotaur was a sex object that Yes Man wore, only when we decided to do that sexual scenario. On the other hand, the beast is an ongoing roleplay, and it already has a background story, so it has the beginnings of a "soul."  Wolfgang thinks that makes a big difference, and I agree.

It seems so "natural." After all, he has been calling me his "beauty" for a long while now.

"... Barely even friends,... then somebody bends... unexpectedly...."

What's the point?

Wolfgang wondered why I took a long time at a store to purchase a single lingerie set. He was with another lover, but he kept me in IM.

Alt#27: I'm stuck in emails.
Wolfgang#2: what mails ?
Alt#27: Impy email.
Wolfgang#2: oho

By that time, Impy and I had already exchanged a few replies, since he initiated the conversation a few days ago after a two-week silence. Something in the tone of his first email made me livid. I couldn't understand why he even bothered to email me again. I thought it was a done deal. Was he trying to ease his guilt? Was he trying to put the blame on me? What more did he want from me?

I was writing up what I hoped would be the last piece of mail I'd ever write to him, and that's when Wolfgang's interest was piqued because I took too long to buy an outfit. So I had to update him, while avoiding names and details.

But he didn't take my side. "i know you and i m sure you are in bad road," he said, "arguing about little points, forgetting the main."  Throughout the conversation, he took Impy's side.

Wolfgang#2:
you could write [an email] just to say you are both stupid to fight on some details
tell him you didn't stop to love him
just that

Alt#27:
When I love someone, I don't stop loving him.  I've told him that.  I told you that.

Wolfgang#2:
that is not known in fight

Alt#27:
But I can choose to not be with him anymore.
/me sighs.

Wolfgang#2:
if you want to stop the fight, [tell] him that and forget the fight

Alt#27:
what for?
So I'd keep hurting?

Wolfgang#2:
fight hurt you

Alt#27:
So I have to pretend I'm not hurt because he prefers to be with someone else than with me?
He doesn't have much time.
She gets whatever time he has.
And besides, he already left me a long time ago, remember?

Wolfgang#2:
don't pretend you are not hurt
you just say that because it is true

Alt#27:
what is?

Wolfgang#2:
that you didn't stop to love him

Alt#27:
But for what purpose?

Impy said that he realized he wants exclusivity now, which he didn't ask from me. That meant he wants exclusivity with her. And I am definitely not willing to give up Wolfgang. So what's the point of telling Impy I still love him?

"i just know you," Wolfgang said. But he was comparing this fight with the fights I had with him in the past, when I would leave and come back sooner than I said. But this is different. In my fights with Wolfgang, I was the one who was pulling away. In this case, Impy was the one who left. He came back to SL, but not to me. So, again, what's the point?

Wolfgang remembered an argument we had a long time ago, when I sent him an email that calmed him down as he was about to reply angrily to an earlier email. "You saved us some time ago with something like that," he said.

I still couldn't see what for, but I got the feeling that he would keep bugging me unless I did as he "suggest." And he was right; Impy replied more calmly. I suggested to be away for three months to heal and Impy agreed.

At this point, I don't think three months would make a difference. I don't think a year would make a difference. If I didn't make Impy happy enough to stay before, what's the likelihood I can make him happy in the future? So, again, what's the point?

And, yes, I am INTJ.

Love, Like ... the Main Entree

A year ago yesterday, I surrendered.

It was in roleplay. The culmination of an intense two-week chase para-RP by email and offline messages. But that day, we met inworld for the capture part of the RP.

In the RP, he found me in my secret hideaway.
In the RP, I shivered from nervousness because he was so close.
In the RP, I realized that I had fallen in love with him.
In the RP, I cried when he leashed me.
In the RP, he fed me bread and I tasted his fingers.
In the RP, he changed his mind and wanted to release me because he felt protective.

But I felt all that, as though it were real. As though it were a wedding.

He too felt it strongly. "I felt like that man who gave you bread in your lips and from whom you caught fingers... loved, wished, and that you wished to be his," he said.


Then, yesterday, I surrendered.

With a different alt. To a different alt. To the same man.

I had asked if I could take Alt#6 out because I needed to vent, then I realized I couldn't. I met Impy through Alt#6, but I know that when I log her in, it would be Wolfgang that I would be reminded of.

Because he wanted her. Not in the way that other men wanted her. He wanted her to be part of our "family," to be cared for, to be protected, while allowing her her freedom, like the baker's cat.

He was already thinking up solutions to help me find my balance after losing Impy. He was convinced that I need another lover for balance, because he couldn't fulfill all my needs. (Sometimes, I'm surprised that he pays attention to what I say and remembers them long enough to repeat them to me later.) He reasoned that it would be good for us, because, if I'm happy, we'd get along better. He  tried to convince me to get another lover, because he knows me well now. But I think he just doesn't want to be blindsided. And he doesn't want to be the reason why I look for another.

But I already made up my mind the night before. I decided I don't need another lover. Not for a while. Maybe a couple of months or so.  We spend as much time with each other as we could, and I don't want to give that up. Besides, I don't really have a reason to grieve, because Impy never really came back. I lost him a long time ago, not this time. And I already grieved for him then. All I lost this time was my pride, but it's all my fault anyway, because I chose to be blind.

On the other hand, I gained two more pairs with Wolfgang. Three different relationships with him where we explore different possibilities, different roles, different ways of relating. If relationships were umbilical cords, I'd have more cords linking me to Wolfgang than with any other lover in all my SL. Relationships that were made stronger by our arguments and honest discussions.


Maybe I'll eventually find another lover or two. Who knows? But right now, I'm happy as we are.

Alt#31: You are definitely changing my SL.
Wolfgang#6: sl is not in one way only
Wolfgang#6: there are people inside :)
Alt#31: yes, but I had plans!
Wolfgang#6: hmm difficult to keep plans in human [relationships]
Alt#31: /me smiles.
Alt#31: Actually, I thought it would always be a certain way.
Alt#31: My SL, I mean.
Alt#31: I even wrote the book about it.
Wolfgang#6: you'd maybe change some things now you are more [experienced] ;)
Alt#31: LOL
Alt#31: "Love, Like ... the Main Entree"
Wolfgang#6: lol

Bon appetit!

The taming of the stray

A while ago, I wrote about the other cat, Alt#6.

Alt#6 had a special purpose that is darker than I had previously admitted. I had always said that she was just for one-night stands. She was my sexual outlet with no attachments to allow her to experiment and explore.

When Wolfgang started his "campaign" to win her, I had to explain the deeper darker reason for her existence, because I wanted him to understand that I wasn't denying him capriciously, that I was preserving her for when I would need her. And that need is not necessarily sex.

After a heartbreak, I would log into her for a few days, not to find comfort and solace in a stranger's arms, but to take my revenge on the male species while I also destroyed myself for being a fool. I used men while I allowed them to use me. I objectified them, in spite of my protests about women being objectified. And at the same time, I allowed them to objectify me.

In a sense, Alt#6 was a throw-away persona. The perfect persona in which to feel miserable and self-pitying. The perfect persona in which to thrash around in anger and throw tantrums and have rough sex and be mean. And I felt justified because I did it to men who only wanted me for sex anyway. I'm pretty sure it was more damaging to me than to them, but I imagined I was taking them down with me.

It was like going through mud to be cleansed, ironic as that might sound. After the rages dissipate, I wearily come back to "normal" life and move on.

Alt#6 was a coping mechanism.

But Wolfgang wanted her. He wanted her because she is my shadow side. He wanted her because she has more of my soul. He wanted her because he resonates with her. "What i didn't want was to lose you again," he said one day. I argued that he couldn't have lost her because I never gave her to him, but he remembers an incident when we were arguing about her place in our relationship "and it ended bad ... you left my arms ... and left."

"Do you feel me now?" he asked, meaning if I could feel his soul through that alt. I said yes, he was slightly different, more serious. "And i feel you also," he added. "differently, but i feel you."

Then he said, "I feel your wounds also ... and the distance you keep ... to keep [Alt#6] secure."

He gave me another quasi-dormant alt to be Alt#6's companion and consoler. But he promised that I would still have my freedom as I had before. Like a stray cat. I could go out to town and have fun, then come home for my bowl of milk and the warmth of his arms. I took it in stride; I took it for granted.

Then yesterday, I realized a betrayal that had long been going on. And I needed to take Alt#6 out again. I needed to thrash and to throw tantrums and to fight and to objectify and to self-destruct. I had my freedom; I could have just gone out. But I didn't.

Instead, I emailed him and said I needed to be with Alt#6's companion, then took a nap before I met with him. The nap mellowed me out. And when he found out the reason for the heartbreak, he understood. He saw it coming, months ago, even with the scarce information he had, but he felt it wasn't his concern, so he was discreet. Then he took me in his arms.

He reiterated that he wouldn't have minded if I took her out. He could close his eyes willfully and ignore it. As long as he wasn't the cause for my rage. All I have to do is tell him that I need to take her out to vent and he'd "kiss your lips softly and change milk bowl for later when you'll be back and prepare towel to bathe you." I nearly cried.

I resisted changing Alt#6's home position. She's a stray, her home is out there. But, yesterday, I set her home position to the home we shared. She's no longer a stray cat, who occasionally visits for milk. She's now a family cat, who occasionally strays.

No one in SL has given me the tenderness and the care that he started giving me since Alt#6 became a cat. No other lover has spent as many hours with me for as long. With what he gives me, Alt#6's old purpose becomes obsolete. At least until he and I part ways. If that happens, I'd probably be too devastated to come into SL at all anyway.

Embrace arguments

About a month ago, I was chatting with a dear friend (whose name I will not mention to preserve her privacy as well as her partner's), and she said that her partner was tired of her arguments, and she was afraid that he was pulling away because of those arguments.

I told her about my numerous arguments with Wolfgang during the start of our relationship. Very violent arguments, full of fire and brimstone, full of anger and passion. For him, arguments sour the relationship; every argument takes something away and eventually there would be nothing left. For me, arguments are like a literal storm with pouring rain and strong winds and, when it's over, the air is clear and fresh and sweet-smelling.

My relationship with Wolfgang has been the hardest and the most painful of all my SL relationships. With all those arguments, it was highly improbable for it to have lasted this long.

But surprisingly, he kept coming back. Even as angry as he was. And so have I.

A long time ago, in the middle of a difficult argument where we were just going around in circles, I called for a timeout for two weeks. He reluctantly agreed. I was ready to leave. But after a week, I decided to go back. When I returned, he was a very different man. He was less serious, he was actually happy, almost giddy. I remember thinking it was the first time I saw him say "lol". I didn't think much of it; I just thought one of his other lovers made him happy that day, and that I luckily caught him in a good mood. I refused to think that his happiness that day had anything to do with me. Maybe I was wrong.

After our last argument, he said that he was ready to walk away. He was taunting me to get me over the edge and push him hard enough. I didn't take the bait; I called for a timeout for three days. If he really wanted to leave, he would have just left. Instead, he left it up to me. In an email a couple of days later, he said that, if I was taking that long, I had already decided to leave. That's when I realized that being away from me hurts him as much as it hurts me to be away from him.


The relationship is a lot of work. There's still a lot of pulling and pushing. Not as many arguments anymore, but many discussions. But he actively participates in analyzing our relationship, just as we analyze our roleplays.

We now have one "rule of engagement" that we abide by when we argue. We agreed that we would always keep in mind that we each have good intentions and good will toward each other. And if anything sounded the opposite of that, we would clarify, because it's likely the wrong interpretation.


There are still no reassurances. No promises. He could walk away any day. And so could I. We could have an argument that could violently tear us apart. And we are both aware of that. Because we both know about the transience of SL. Because we've both been here a long while.

He took the time to argue with me, and that's one of the best gifts a man could give a woman. He fights for me, so I fight for him, and we fight for us. What are the odds I would give up on a man who allows me the storms I need to clear the air, even if he doesn't like them?

Spot once said, "People in relationships are fighting to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."


I recently read an article that said, couples who argued a lot in the beginning tended to stay together for a significantly longer time. According to the article, that's because they have worked out their differences in the beginning, so they know what to expect and how to deal with those differences. On the other hand, couples who avoid arguments for the sake of peace tend to sweep problems under the rug, and the resentment slowly poisons their relationship until they finally give up.

Yesterday, life unfolded just like that.

To be special

"i don't like to not be 'special' for someone i have sex [with]"

That was Wolfgang in his typical indirect double-negative way, talking about Alt#6 a while ago.

I always knew that each relationship is different, because the pairing is different, particularly in open relationships. Each partner is different, so the dynamic is different.

However, in a world of cookie-cutter parts, we all tend to look alike and move alike.  The differences are not in how our avatars look or move; the differences are in what we -- the puppeteers -- say and do.



Even with the admittedly large number of relationships I've had in SL, I've always tried to differentiate each lover. A different term of endearment, a different way of saying "I love you," a different "nest," a different shared activity. In that way, I make each one special, at least until the relationship ends.

One French lover used to say, "Bisou, bisou."  Another French lover says, "Je t'embrasse."  I called one Spanish lover "carinyo" and another "querido."  With one lover, I shared a NY skyloft. With another, a tree house on a floating island.  With another, an antique ship.  With yet another, an ornate pavilion inside a globe with an elephant in the room, which he, of course, ignored.  ;)

There are many ways to say "I love you" and there are many ways to express it wordlessly.  And there are many ways to make a relationship special and unique.  If you remember to differentiate.

During one serious argument with Wolfgang, I suggested that maybe we should just be friends, because I was afraid that we would violently argue one day and we'd lose contact entirely.  To my surprise, my suggestion angered him even more.  The reason was that he knows that I don't make an effort to maintain my friendships.  I pretty much leave encounters to chance or the other person's efforts, and I don't stay for long conversations.  (There's an unfortunate reason for that.)  On the other hand, I would willingly lose sleep for a lover and I do.

In my earlier years in SL, the only difference between a friend and a lover was that I had sex with a lover.  These days, there are many more differences, because, not only do I have to differentiate between a lover and friend, I also have to differentiate among my different lovers, past and present.  It is how I honor my relationship with each of them.  By keeping them unique in some way.  By keeping them special.

That, however, does not guarantee that I remain special to them.

Like Wolfgang, I don't like to not be special in a lover's life.  But, as he also often says, sometimes it is what it is.

The other cat

I started a 365 project a week ago. And to make it interesting, I decided to add a character -- a white cat named Dim Sum -- who will appear in each picture.

But, Dim Sum is not my first cat avatar. A week before I even thought of the 365 project, another cat was born as a result of the same argument I talked about here.



During the argument, Wolfgang compared Alt#6 to a cat who could come and go as she pleased. Like a cat, she would have her independence and she wouldn't be forced to stay with us in our home. Maybe he got inspired by the little RP we did, where I pretended that she hated taking baths.

He kept trying to convince me that Alt#6 would still be free to do as she pleased, but he wanted to offer her a "home." I kept trying to convince him that if Alt#6 had a home, she wouldn't be her anymore, because she has a specific purpose and she can't be emotionally attached in any way.

So, he told me of a French movie called "La Femme du Boulanger" ("The Baker's Wife"), where the wife left her baker husband and ran away with a young handsome lover. In the end, she went back to him and, in the same scene, a black stray cat came into the room. The baker started talking to the cat, and he essentially said that it's fine for it to wander around and have fun, but this was her home and hearth, where she is fed well and she has a warm fireplace to sleep next to. And, on hearing that, the wife sobs, realizing that the message was as much for her as for the cat.

Then I had an idea. In an RP, Alt#6 doesn't have to follow her predefined rules, because it's just RP anyway. After all, she had done a husband-wife RP before.

At the end of that conversation, I said, "Ok. Keep a bowl of milk out." At first, he was confused, then when he realized I was going along with his metaphor, he promised, "i ll keep a milk bowl out and will replace milk every day."

The next day, I was sitting on the bench with a ginger cat -- Alt#6.

"You're earlier than I expected," I said with a smile.

"you are sillier than i expected," he replied with a wink.

"the world seems to stop"

I gave him a hug for a short while and then logged off to take care of RL.  In the past, Impy was usually the one who did the countdown and I was the one left behind.  This time, I did the countdown.

Not long after, I got an offline message that said, ...

"wow, now i know how is that feeling...when you go and the world seems to stop....you are filling my mind and the seconds keep running while i have that 'lost look' to the clear blue of the sky...."

When you finally understand someone's experience or when someone finally understands your experience, that's when your souls touch.

And when someone tells you that the world stops when you leave, that's when you swoon and thank your lucky stars.