Overlapping lovers

My lovers are overlapping today.

First, let me talk about a new lover. I'll call him "Rocky" because, within a couple of months of each other, we both visited the "Garden of the Gods" in Colorado where there was a rock that seems to defy gravity.

We found that there are many other similarities in our lives. We were married in the same year (not to each other, of course). We lived in the same area. We worked in the same industry. My favorite dim sum restaurant is the exact same one as *his* favorite dim sum restaurant (and, no, it's not a chain). In all those chances of physically running into each other, we never met... until, one day, Alt #11 was wearing a gold gown and found someone wearing a suit with a vest in the same gold shade at Frank's. And I IM'd him because his profile made me think that he might be a fellow writer. That was late last year, but he disappeared for months and just came back. He's still rarely here. *sighs*


Anyway, first story: October2006 IM'd me today after months and months (maybe more than a year?) of no contact. The first thing he said tonight was "love u", just like that, out of the blue. Well, he needed a friend tonight, so I went to give him a hug for a few minutes before he went to bed.

For some reason, after he went to bed, I opened his profile in the Notes tab and realized that he has the same birthday as Rocky. Here are two more coincidences: October2006 is four years younger than I, and Rocky is four years older than I. October2006 got my SLirginity; I got Rocky's SLirginity.


Second story: Yesterday, I was cleaning up my parcel in Amberaldus and I emailed Rapido to ask him to come and pick up his objects, since I'm thinking of selling that parcel. I haven't seen him since late October, although we've communicated briefly through offline messages and emails. The last email was more than a month ago.

Well, he *did* clean up but he left three heart-shaped prims and his email said "I love you so much" and he wants to come back but I'm asleep during the times he could come in. Anyway, I listened to his show today and he played "MacArthur Park" (which I associate with the Poet) then "Amigos Para Siempre" (which I associate with MAMJJ), two songs which I never heard him play before.


Lucky Bastard chatted with me in Yahoo and in email. Surf came in once. And December2006 poked me (again) in Facebook. I told him that, because we keep poking back and forth, it's almost like the other kind of poking, except it's in very slow motion. *grins*


Three current lovers and three very friendly ex's.... A little bit here, a little bit there, and I had a full meal of loves this week. :)

*burps*

A day full of lovers

Facebook poke

First, there was a poke in Facebook from a lover from the distant past. I told him to quit poking and come into SL. He agreed that he should, complimented my avatar, and asked a few questions about how my SL was doing. I sent him a long reply. :)


An exchange

In the early afternoon, "Surf" logged in and spent time with me. We were just chatting about random things, like why I have a separate Facebook account for my SL and for my RL. Then he sent me his picture. I declined. He sent it again. And again. I finally accepted.

He has a sweet face with a warm tender smile and sad eyes. So I became indebted. This was the man who waited eleven months to be with me, and he still couldn't believe I consider him a lover. I couldn't leave that gesture unreciprocated. I told him that he could see my picture after we exchange RL info. So, after he sent me his picture, I gave him the link to my personal website. He crashed while browsing, as he thought he would. I waited for him to log back in. When he did, the first words he said were, "You are amazing." He had already quickly scanned my photography site as well. Then he gave me his RL name and a couple of websites linked to him, although he had shrunk his internet footprint, so that was all he had. But he promised that if he reinstates his Facebook account, he'd definitely friend me there.

There was an initial apprehension on my part when we agreed to exchange RL info. I warned him that it could ruin his fantasy. When he got back from browsing, he said that it didn't. But I'll wait and see. I've seen men say that in the heat of desire, and then never show up again.

But it felt comfortable with him. I was only worried about how it would affect his desire for me, not about anything else. It's amazing when you discover that there's already trust there, and someone could love you for who you are inside. He's an RL friend now; we've established that. And it feels nice and warm and comforting and loving.


A short respite

In the evening, "Lucky Bastard" came back. He logged in while I was with Surf and asked him if I could meet him later. He had a long day today, was very tired, and would have another long one tomorrow, but he came back anyway. He doesn't understand how something so simple as that could mean so much to me.

I've been abandoned too many times in SL. Men who refuse to say when they would be in again because it feels like a burden to them; men who say they would come at a certain time and never do. That's the norm.

But that's not him. If he said he would be in, he came in. He might be late, but I always knew that there was a very good reason why.

We talked a bit about business today. And I had to stop him from doing too much for me. I emphasized that I only needed him to give me advice, not to do my research for me too. It's just the way he is. Then we talked about animations and I showed him the Sculpties Mall. With a lot of hugs and kisses interspersed throughout the conversation.

He couldn't stay long, but that was enough for now. My hunger for him is appeased for a while.


About last night

It's strange how these two romances are in stark contrast to a conversation I had with someone else just last night. Let's call him "Spot".

He pinged Alt #11 at Frank's the previous night. He was very gentlemanly, highly intelligent, compassionate, emotional, comfortable with talking, and we had a lot in common. It was a very friendly and interesting conversation with almost no reference to sex. He didn't want sex in SL; he didn't want romances in SL. He is unattached in real life and he wanted the real thing.

However, he played with three women during his early months in SL. And he fell for another woman that he still seemed very attached to. He thought that he was over her, until he talked to me. And he talked about her constantly. I figured, since he wasn't interested in me, maybe my role was to be Dr. Phil. So, I told him the story about the monks crossing the river, and he laughed when I asked him why he was still carrying her. He had heard the story before, but I supposed it surprised him that it applied to his situation.

And I was similarly surprised when he asked if he could add me as a friend and what time I was usually in. So we agreed to meet the next night, which was last night.

At first, it was like the previous night. Lots of witty banter. Learning about each other. And then the conversation went into trust. The previous night, he had promised to be brutally honest with me and that he would keep my secrets. But last night, it felt as though he was looking for a loophole.

Suddenly, I realized that he didn't believe anything I said and I couldn't trust anything he said. And if I couldn't trust anything he said, how could I trust his promises? And that meant I was at a very vulnerable position after I had revealed so much about myself. Maybe it was a good thing that he didn't trust anything I said either, but I still felt very vulnerable. So, I started saying goodnight, making the excuse that it's very late for him anyway. I had to cut my losses.

But he challenged me. He said that it was very interesting that I would say goodnight at that point in the conversation. And as we continued arguing, he changed the dance into a slow one where he was holding me close. I commented on it.

He said that, sometimes, doing the paradoxical thing was the right thing to do. He added that "people need to be reminded sometimes why they're fighting."

I asked why *we* were fighting. His reply was, "well people in relationships are fighting to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."

I argued that he and I were not in a relationship. He agreed and said, "So I have no idea why I had this idea to do this."

I was ready to walk away. Why did he hold me back?

Suddenly, he was very nice and sweet. The song "My One and Only Love" played on the stream and he typed out the lyrics in chat as though he was singing it to me. I succumbed and mellowed out. Then we said goodnight.

He wants only RL. I want only SL. And he still carries one other in his mind. A lot of things would have to happen before he could be a lover:
1. We'd have to learn to trust each other. We can't even have a friendship without trust.
2. One of us would have to give in about the SL/RL thing.
3. He has to stop carrying her in her mind, or go back and carry her across the river so he could set her down; otherwise, our conversations would always be about her.
4. He has to be willing to carry *me* across the river, and, at this point, he's not willing to cross that river with anyone in SL.

So, it's not gonna happen. And that's a good thing. So I have more time to focus on my current ones. The ones who fill my heart.

Another goodbye... and a "Hello again"

A dear friend of my RP alt sent out a notecard today that he'll be leaving SL to heal his RL. :( We didn't meet often but he's a catalyst in my RP alt's story. *sigh*

But, on a good note, an old flame returned to SL today. How old? He was one of my flavors of the month during my first six months in SL. But he's in a new alt, of course. His old alt was long gone.

I took him around to fix up his alt today and that brought back memories from when we first did that. Erm, naughty memories. LOL Well, he kinda looks like HiHo now. :D

We don't know if we'd pick up where we left off. It's been more than two and a half years and we're both different people now. But we decided we'll explore things and see how it goes.

At the very least he'll distract me from missing the Captain. *sigh*

What are you doing

Got an unexpected email from December 2006 lover last night.

It was one of those form letters that get sent when friends invite you to join a social site. Regardless, it warmed me up inside anyway.

After checking out the site, I clicked Reply and had to backspace when I realized that I had addressed him by the term of endearment that I used to call him a year ago.

And then I found myself humming (or attempting to, since I still have a cold) the song "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve".

*sigh*

Look What Love Has Done

Where once each breath was just a sigh of aching emptiness;
Where once I hardly felt the beating in my chest.
Now each breath feels like a precious kiss of life;
Now inside me beat the wings of a thousand butterflies.

Look what love has done to me;
Look what love has done.
This must be how it's meant to be.
Look what love has done.
And my heart is dancing through each day;
My soul is running free.
Look what love has done to me.*

* Jaci Velasquez (1998) Written by Rob Mathes, Stephanie Lewis

Is it possible to virtually love someone so much that it spills out into RL? Nothing has changed and yet there's a subtle difference in the world. The sun is brighter, the air is clearer, everything looks crisper, colors are more intense, music is sweeter. This affair has had an incredible effect irl that even my family and my friends noticed a difference in me.

Everything goes so well. There's wanting to preserve what we have for as long as we can. And there's wanting more, yearning more. So we inch closer and closer to the line that separates SL from RL.

(Although, my friend Anna disagrees. She says that I'm not *inching closer* to the line. She claims that, in fact, I've drawn a line and already crossed it, then drawn another line, crossed that, drawn yet another line, .... It sucks when your friends tell it like it is and you know they're right.)

My fear is that, if we cross over to real life and the veil is lifted, then the spell breaks, the innocence is lost, and the fantasy fades. Going into RL is a great risk -- double or nothing. Either you get a great romance in both SL and RL, or you lose what you already have.

And the odds are against you. Many have told me of stories of people who took SL relationships out irl. The "happily ever after" never happens outside fairy tales. And SL is a fairy tale.

On the other hand, how long can I live locked up in an emotional tower? January lover and I have so much in common and we are so often in sync that it feels like I'm interacting with my own reflection. The odds of me meeting someone like him again are miniscule. If we keep it platonic, will we always wonder "what if ...?"

Maybe the trick is to figure out which odds are better -- making an SL affair work irl or finding someone like him irl. And then maybe I should take December's lesson: jump in, take the risk, and carpe diem. Then, at the very least, I could say that I met life head-on, that I chose to truly live, instead of simply allowing life to happen.

On the other hand, ...

Should auld lovers be forgot?

I told him that all he had to do to be my January lover was to kiss me at midnight on New Year's Eve. Heck, I even had the mistletoe! All he had to do was show up!

The funny thing was that, during our first week together, I had a premonition that December lover would disappear into oblivion, just like September lover did.

So, there I was on New Year's Eve at the Blue Note, where we agreed to meet. And I waited. Up til the countdown started, down to the moment the clock struck midnight. December lover was nowhere in sight. My evening gown would have turned back into rags and my teleporter would have turned back into a pumpkin, had it not been for a knight in shining armor -- er, in a spiffy tux -- whom I had just met and who, upon realizing I've been stood up, rescued me with a "/kiss Opal".

Before I even met December lover, I promised myself that the man who kisses me at midnight on New Year's Eve would be my January lover. When I told my knight of that promise, he was pleasantly surprised and said he was honored. How sweet is that?

I guess this is a new record for me -- taking on a new lover soon after I met him. If SL was fast for me in the past, it'd just gone even faster in the new year. But it couldn't be helped. If I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I keep a promise to anyone else?

The fifth lover in the fifth month. I guess I haven't broken the curse yet.

Carpe diem

I wasn't supposed to take on a lover this month. I was planning to take a break. It's a short month anyway, because I would be offline over the holidays.

But, then, during a live music event at the Hideaway, he appeared at the doorway. And he stood there for a long while, looking like a newb who didn't know what to do. Ever helpful little me, I IM'd him to come in and gave him directions on how to start dancing. And we started chatting. After the show, we spent hours dancing at the Blue Note. That night, he didn't get much sleep. Nor the next three nights.

I told him about my history in SL, about how I tend to have a new lover every month. He agreed it would be better to wait until I returned in January before starting an affair. But on the third day, he said it: Carpe diem. And with that, he became my December lover.

He was born more than a year ago, but he rarely came in-world. A gentleman who respects women. A kindred soul who makes me laugh without even trying. A lover who understands what a drawn-out foreplay does to a woman. And, surprisingly, a SLirgin. Well, at least, until last night. ;-)

Someone called him simpatico. I agreed. He is sweet. He said women don't fall for sweet guys. I said women stay with sweet guys. I don't think he believed me.

But maybe he'll break the one-lover-a-month cycle I've been on since I came to SL. Maybe this sweet guy will still be around for January too.

Meanwhile, like him, I, too, seize the day.