7 days

It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.

"you are mine"

Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.

When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".

The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"

As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".

At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.

"i prefer he is your lover than another"

Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.

And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.

I hardly see Rapido anymore.

At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.

Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".

I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."

He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."

His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".

He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".

a birthday gift

The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.

After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.

A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.

I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.

Well, needless to say, we argued again.

This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.

I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.

I told him I'd decide the next day.

I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.

I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above

He replied with "Yes I wish".

In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.

During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....

tracker redux

"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."

I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.

It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.

But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.

So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.

So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.

packing the past

Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.

But the countdown had ended.

So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.

I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.

He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.

He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.

More involvement

Updates

Sometimes, you think you're recovering nicely, then suddenly some random thing, some random phrase, some random piece of music sends you sobbing again.  I probably should start packing the home I shared with Impy, but the pain is still too fresh for me to even go there.

Meanwhile, mfpwtff has been on email with me lately, asking me to review his personal ad profile and asking for my thoughts on things in his RL.  We've always had a wonderful friendship.  I relied on him for a hug and a chat on many occasions when I've been heartbroken.  Now, it's my turn to be there for him as he gets back on his feet after his divorce.  If only all my relationships end up like this, life would be good.

A close call

I haven't had much time for Rapido, nor he for me because he's going on a trip soon.  We've been taking our alts out (Alt#31 and Rapido#2) and doing multiples.  We've even tried to do a little bit of RP between ourselves.  Of course, the focus is still on sex.

However, I had a bit of a scare once when we were at a public sex place.  We were in a room in a castle when another couple came into the same room and used the bed.  Rapido, thinking it would be more exciting to do multiple, asked the guy if they wanted to join us.  The guy seemed to be all for it, but he said that his girl was too shy and would probably not agree.  Whew!

I have this "rule" that if someone who knows me from one alt approaches another of my alts by accident, I would admit that they know me.  I've only had to make good on that promise twice -- Impy was the second one.

And the guy that Rapido was inviting to join us in a foursome, well, ... he was once an admirer of Alt#11.

More involvement

When Wolfgang found out that I lost Impy, he simply made a comment about how fast relationships don't last.  That was it.  We were just chatting about the state of his relationships and how many he had left.

Then, the other day, he came in outside his usual time, so I tp'd him for a hug.  Then he said he had to say hello to one of his former subs, the same one who was jealous of my name in his profile.  She had just logged in.  So I released him from the hug, thinking that he had to tp away.  But he didn't.

He remained there, with his LookAt crosshairs on Opal.  He noticed that Opal has the same feet as Alt#27.  I said, yes, but Alt#27 has the mesh version and Opal has the sculpt version.

"She is beautiful," he said, referring to Alt#27.  "But I didn't lose hope to make you mine someday too."

Whoa!

That started a long conversation that is still unresolved.  It wove in and out, as I tried to figure out exactly what he wanted.

He likes watching female-female scenarios.  We tried it with one of his female alts, but it didn't feel right for me, so he aborted it, even though I was willing to go through it.  I wondered if it would feel more comfortable if both females were my alts.  He wasn't enthusiastic about the idea before, because he felt that I would still be doing something that I don't particularly enjoy.

But, now, he seems to be revisiting the idea.

I thought that if he just wanted a sex RP, I could use Alt#6.  He refused.  He said that she "belongs" to everybody and he doesn't want emotionless hard sex.  "i prefer more intimate relationships," he said.  I offered Alt#4, but he wants more than just RP.  I offered other alts that I don't use, and he said he'd like all of them.

His idea was to resurrect my sleeping alts, because he never liked the idea of putting avatars to sleep.  He puts so much of himself in his own alts, and he shivered at the idea that Alt#27 would be put to sleep if our relationship ended.  He feels it's like real death.  Of course, I objected that he shouldn't care what I do with her if he doesn't care about her anymore.

He said it was just a simple idea to pull my free alts into a "family."  He agrees that Opal would be more complicated because Opal is no longer anonymous, although he somewhat expressed a preference for Opal because she is the most "me" of all my alts.

To be honest, the whole thing was a big surprise.  He thinks it's no big deal.  But it seems that his idea of where we are is different from my idea of where we are.  I gave him the metaphor of a range from 0 to 10, where 0 means we are not involved, and 10 means we're married.  It seemed like (and these are random numbers) he thinks we're at 3 and he wants to go to 4.  Meanwhile, I think we're at 1, so it's a big jump from 1 to 4.  So, to him, his idea wasn't a big request.  But, to me, I'd have to rearrange my whole SL.

Last night, he logged in one of his female alts to give me a gift.  He had bought some nylons for me through her.  And, he started RPing as her, while I tried out the different colors.  And the conversation was very eye-opening.  Through the mask of a female alt, he spoke more freely.  He noticed I was calmer too.  And through that female alt, I gained a better understanding of a man who has been mostly a mystery to me.

And this past week, I'm beginning to see that we really are closer to "3" than to "1".  And I'm beginning to understand what I really mean to him.