History repeats

I had been quiet for a long while. First, I needed time to recover from my rebound. (I wonder if all relationships are just rebounds of the previous one. That's a long chain of rebounds!) Second, no one really became serious enough.

But much has been happening and it feels like things are churning.


He was almost perfect. Very sweet, very romantic. He said I made his happiness two-fold.

Opal Lei: Besides my friend says I should ignore men.
Almost: nooooo
Opal Lei: She said if I ignore men, they'll fall in love with me more.
Almost: i am already fallen
Almost: cant go deep more

Lately, he had been barely responsive, even when he was logged in. I stopped messaging him, but he IM'd me again one day.

Alt#11: And I was thinking you were already bored with me.
Almost: nah, not like that but i m really busy, u have seen it, most of the time i m on chat client like tonight
Alt#11: Well, men in SL have used being busy as an excuse to disappear, you know.
Almost: really....
Almost: then next time onwards i will cc u my work

I asked him to at least respond to my messages even if his responses were just a quick kiss or a goodnight. He did a couple of times.

Then, Friday evening, he said he was going to bed to catch up on his sleep because he was only getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep for several weeks. An hour later, he showed up on my radar at Franks. I asked him if he couldn't sleep. He gave some vague excuse about catching up on news. I wondered why he was catching up on news at Franks; he said someone teleported him there.

I just caught him in a lie.

It's uncanny how history repeats itself. I was so pissed that I removed him from Alt#11's friends list right then and there, and from another alt's friends list also. But I had second thoughts about removing him from Opal's friends list. So he's still there. For now. I still give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe because I too have fallen.

Still I was bothered enough, so that my interactions with other men are affected by it.

In the afternoon, I had very little patience for a new acquaintance who kept kissing and hugging for no reason, even though I just met him.

This evening, I realized that I had been too mean with another suitor, who had tried my patience for being so bossy and manipulative and inconsiderate since I met him a few weeks ago.

SilverSpoon: I like you a lot
Alt#11: thanks
SilverSpoon: don't hurt me again
Alt#11: then stay away
Alt#11: I have thorns.
Alt#11: Anyone who comes close gets hurt.

He logged off without a word. I suppose I hurt him again with that response.

The greater the pain inside, the sharper the spikes outside....

Within parentheses

Both Wolfgang and The Impossible are more active in SL than most of my previous lovers. I see them very often in a week. In the past, that worked for me because I usually had only one very active lover. With two very involved and very active relationships that are developing quickly and differently, I’m kinda reeling.


Wolfgang and Alt #27's relationship was shook up this week. The tiff started a few days ago, involving two of his other lovers. He had placed Alt #27's name on his profile as doms do for their subs. And I had placed his name on my profile. In all his years in SL, he had never put anybody's name on his profile, but there was a practical reason to it this time. It was required by the place where we went to, in order to communicate to other doms that Alt #27 was exclusive to him.

But having her name on his profile made his other lovers insecure, because he didn't put their names on his profile and I don't know why he chose not to. To his other lovers, it was as though he preferred me over them.

The problem was that, if I claimed in my own profile that I was sexually exclusive to him, who would believe it if his profile doesn't confirm what I said in mine? Under normal circumstances, it was benign enough. But in the world of BDSM, who knows?

That was just the start.

As a compromise, I asked him to create an alt that's exclusive to me. I told him I didn't care if the alt looked like a newbie. I just wanted us to be able to put each other's names in our profiles again, and I explained the significance of that gesture. He argued against it. He couldn't understand the reason for putting a "label" on our profiles. And he doesn't think that he'd be able to project to a new alt that wasn't "him."

He didn’t understand why I was disproportionately upset about the issue. But, actually, something else happened two nights prior that we hadn’t had a chance to iron out. I discovered that he had logged in his alt while we were having sex, which – to me – meant that he wasn’t “with me” during a very intimate moment. And the fact that I didn’t have his full attention made me feel really crummy, as though my sexual needs are just another chore for him. That was what my sex alt was for. In an emotional relationship, that hurts.

Then the issue about the tracker came up. He had forgotten that he said it was okay for me to track when he logged in. So he lost trust in me. I had to copy and paste the conversation we had where he agreed.

I was in too much pain. One issue after another piling up. Each one felt as though he was pushing me away.

I removed him from the tracker and told him I did. I figured that if he didn't trust me anymore, we couldn't be lovers anymore. Nor friends for that matter. And if we weren't lovers anymore, there was no point keeping track of him. I was getting ready to shut down Alt #27. I told him I'd end our ongoing RP later in the day; I didn't want loose ends.

But he asked why I was always rushing things by myself without stopping to discuss with him. I replied, “Because it hurts too much and I want it to stop hurting.”

Two hours later, he sent another email – calmer, more understanding. He reiterated that there wouldn’t have been pain if we took the time to talk. I tried to talk but he wasn’t available, and things got worse before he had time to talk. But I promised I wouldn’t do anything more until we did. He echoed it, in agreement.

It was more than a full day before I replied to his email. And we explained our views about the things that happened.

He said that he didn't know there was such a tracking tool and he misunderstood when he agreed to let me track when he logs in. He explained that his alt was Away the entire time and he assumed that I would have known that. I said I didn’t. Yes, there is a way to determine whether the person is Away or Busy, but I didn’t care what he did so I didn’t track that. I only cared whether there was a chance he would have time to spend with me. If he was logged out, there was no chance, and I could leave the computer and do other things; if he was logged in, there’s a chance, so I would stay online. Even though my alt was exclusive to him, his alt was not exclusive to me and I knew he had other lovers. What reason do I have to spy? Even after I had explained, he still felt bad about it, but he said it was his own problem to deal with.

We talked about the issues, the pros and cons of solutions. He explained that he didn’t say no to creating an alt, but he had to think about it because he had different views about alts than I did. When we met early this morning, he agreed to try it and we’ll see how it works.

Then, he did something surprising. A few minutes before he had to go, he tp’d us back to where we were the last time we saw each other. He said it was like enclosing our fight within parentheses. It was surprising, because it was a very sentimental gesture. This, coming from a man who says he’s known to be emotionally “cold.”

But I did something that surprised him as well. When he arrived today, I knelt down, because it was what a sub did to greet her dom, as he had taught me. He said he didn’t think I would kneel. I was ready to leave the relationship, it was an OOC conversation, and (as I kept telling him) I am much too independent to be a sub OOC. But, he thinks that the BDSM is an important part of our relationship (even though I vehemently disagree), so I knelt. Because, if I didn’t kneel, I would have closed the door to a reconciliation. He smiled and called it “strategic kneeling.”


Usually, a big fight like that would be the end of the relationship. This is one of the most difficult – if not THE most difficult – relationship I have ever had in SL. We are VERY different. I had told him once that I had thought of leaving a few times, because we are incompatible and we argue all the time. After all, I’m INTJ and INTJs don’t stick around in relationships that won’t work, even if the separation would be painful for a while. We’re pragmatic that way.

But it’s been more than two months now. And the relationship feels like it has sticking power. Funny that.

The lost pilgrim

August had been significant in my Second Life.  This past August, I thought it was the disaster with 6969 that was the change in SL.  What I didn't realize was that there was something else as well.

The same day I met 6969, I met two pilgrims who followed me up a mountain and through a labyrinth.  The next day, both pilgrims contacted me separately at the same time and we had another quick but funny exchange with the blonde sending us pictures of him doing the belly dance.

With a trip and the affair with 6969, I didn't find reason to log in as Alt #11 for a long while.

Last Sunday, in between the Burn2 temple burns, I logged into Alt #11 since I was too wound up to nap.  Besides, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to wake up in time for the 3am burn.

I found the Irishman online and said hi, which was lucky for him because he was figuring out why he lost his legs after taking off his boots.  After we got that sorted out, we sat down at Kannonji for a chat.

He said that he and the blonde had gotten together and became lovers.  The blonde is polyamorous and has other lovers.  And it sounded as though the Irishman wanted to be one of my lovers as well.  "You were the person I most wanted to see again here at SL," he said.  So, he was going to ask the blonde if it was alright with him.

The blonde said no.

I don't know how the conversation went, but that was that.  I asked if the blonde would allow us to remain friends.  The Irishman said it was fine; in fact, he thought that the blonde was also "smitten" with me.  But I had the feeling that he was broken-hearted.  He was torn.  He adored the blonde; he said so repeatedly.  And he adored me.

It didn't matter to me.  From my perspective, we simply wouldn't have SLex. It would still be more than a casual friendship, so I'd make time for it.  He asked if I would ever spend time with both of them at the same time.  I told him that I don't really have time for casual get-togethers, but I would make time for climbing the mountain again.

That conversation happened yesterday.  This morning, I realized that, if I continued to see the Irishman alone, it would eventually undermine their relationship, so I left him an offline.  The blonde was online so I tried to contact him, but he wasn't responding and I had to go.

So I went through my day, then in the evening, I checked email and found messages from both of them.  The blonde said yes to meeting.  The Irishman said the blonde left him for his female lover, and he added that he was leaving SL and he said his goodbyes.

It upset me unexpectedly.  All I could think of was going back to the mountain, and I walked up it without stopping.  I was on a pilgrimage again.  At the entrance to the labyrinth, I cried.  I hardly know him, but I still felt deep sadness.  I walked the labyrinth.  It was a prayer for him to heal.  I sent him a message that I walked it for him.  Afterwards, I stood just outside the labyrinth and reminisced.

Not long after, he logged in and responded.  I tried to teleport him; he refused to come.  Thinking it was the memories associated with the mountain, I went to Kannonji.  He still refused to come.  But in the conversation, he happened to mention he was in Dublin because it was at least somewhat familiar.  I searched for the Dublin sim and teleported there.  Then I found him with the radar and teleported there.  He was sitting on the bridge, so I sat next to him.  And we talked.

I found out about the lies.  He and the blonde had been lovers long before SL, and the blonde had told him to pretend that they didn't know each other when we met.  He had told me about the D/s nature of their relationship.  Tonight, I learned about the abuse from his childhood.  I learned about his deep love for the blonde, about the last time the blonde left him, about his attempted suicide, about his hopeless dreams for a future with him.  I was crying the whole time.

He said he was leaving "this world."  I made him promise not to take his life, and he promised.  In the end, he promised to send me a message that he was okay.  He wasn't going to take anything electronic with him, but I suggested that he send a postcard to his friend in the UK and ask her to send me an email.  He agreed.

Then he left.  On a new pilgrimage perhaps.  To heal.

Disaster averted

It's over. As quickly as it started, it's over.

Day before yesterday, something happened that made me worried sick about him, and no message from him at all for 24 hours. When we finally met, I gave him my phone number to call in case of an emergency.

He refused to give me his. That raised a red flag.

When I confronted him about it, he tried to turn the tables around. I was asking legitimate questions; he was avoiding answering them.

I commented that Googling for his real name only returns one item -- the Twitter account he created for me. His reply: "I'm slightly startled by this new side of you."

I reminded him that I revealed more about myself than he did about himself. His reply: "Now i'm intrigued, maybe i should learn more about you"

He asked if he needs to be a public person like me. I said no, but if he had to hide from me, if he didn't trust me enough, why did he ask me to marry him?

I accused him of playing me.

He accused me of not being into "this" at all.

I said, "There is no "this", is there?"

I told him that I wanted the truth. And I reminded him that he promised me brutal honesty.

He stood there for eight minutes without a word. Then he logged off.

He replied to my tweet about allowing myself to be gullible and said that I'm a victim of my own imagination. When I logged into SL, he still would not explain and started the argument again. He said that, if I was hoping for an amiable parting, I wasn't going to get it from him. He dissolved the friendship, and that was that.


I respect people's privacy. I respect people's need to be anonymous. I don't mind if people hide their information from me, but I won't tolerate lies and I won't risk my personal safety.

Everyday, people all over the world exchange contact information all the time. Phone numbers, email addresses, postal addresses. We give this information to strangers all the time. I would have been fine if he never gave me any personal information, except he wanted me to marry him in real life! And we were talking about him spending a month with me so we could be sure it was what we both wanted. That meant, I was inviting a stranger into my home. *That* is risking my personal safety. Yet, he could not give me something as benign as his phone number. Any normal person would seriously wonder why not. *I* panicked.

Rocky is the only current lover whose real-life identity I do not know, and I inadvertently found out why. But he had given me enough information about himself for me to comfortably risk meeting him in a public place someday. Besides I had witnessed how he behaves; I even teased him by calling him Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. And, ... he didn't ask me to marry him.


6969 said "no secrets". When he said that, I gave him the names of all my alts; not even my RL sister knows all those names. And I gave him the website with all the links to all my online presences and personas, both virtual and real. Full disclosure. Now, I realize that, when he said "no secrets," he really meant I wasn't allowed to hide secrets from him, but he's allowed to hide his basic information from me. [sarcasm]Silly me. How could I have missed that?[/sarcasm]

The last thing he said today was "thank god this didnt go any further." I agree. Disaster averted.

A day full of lovers

Facebook poke

First, there was a poke in Facebook from a lover from the distant past. I told him to quit poking and come into SL. He agreed that he should, complimented my avatar, and asked a few questions about how my SL was doing. I sent him a long reply. :)


An exchange

In the early afternoon, "Surf" logged in and spent time with me. We were just chatting about random things, like why I have a separate Facebook account for my SL and for my RL. Then he sent me his picture. I declined. He sent it again. And again. I finally accepted.

He has a sweet face with a warm tender smile and sad eyes. So I became indebted. This was the man who waited eleven months to be with me, and he still couldn't believe I consider him a lover. I couldn't leave that gesture unreciprocated. I told him that he could see my picture after we exchange RL info. So, after he sent me his picture, I gave him the link to my personal website. He crashed while browsing, as he thought he would. I waited for him to log back in. When he did, the first words he said were, "You are amazing." He had already quickly scanned my photography site as well. Then he gave me his RL name and a couple of websites linked to him, although he had shrunk his internet footprint, so that was all he had. But he promised that if he reinstates his Facebook account, he'd definitely friend me there.

There was an initial apprehension on my part when we agreed to exchange RL info. I warned him that it could ruin his fantasy. When he got back from browsing, he said that it didn't. But I'll wait and see. I've seen men say that in the heat of desire, and then never show up again.

But it felt comfortable with him. I was only worried about how it would affect his desire for me, not about anything else. It's amazing when you discover that there's already trust there, and someone could love you for who you are inside. He's an RL friend now; we've established that. And it feels nice and warm and comforting and loving.


A short respite

In the evening, "Lucky Bastard" came back. He logged in while I was with Surf and asked him if I could meet him later. He had a long day today, was very tired, and would have another long one tomorrow, but he came back anyway. He doesn't understand how something so simple as that could mean so much to me.

I've been abandoned too many times in SL. Men who refuse to say when they would be in again because it feels like a burden to them; men who say they would come at a certain time and never do. That's the norm.

But that's not him. If he said he would be in, he came in. He might be late, but I always knew that there was a very good reason why.

We talked a bit about business today. And I had to stop him from doing too much for me. I emphasized that I only needed him to give me advice, not to do my research for me too. It's just the way he is. Then we talked about animations and I showed him the Sculpties Mall. With a lot of hugs and kisses interspersed throughout the conversation.

He couldn't stay long, but that was enough for now. My hunger for him is appeased for a while.


About last night

It's strange how these two romances are in stark contrast to a conversation I had with someone else just last night. Let's call him "Spot".

He pinged Alt #11 at Frank's the previous night. He was very gentlemanly, highly intelligent, compassionate, emotional, comfortable with talking, and we had a lot in common. It was a very friendly and interesting conversation with almost no reference to sex. He didn't want sex in SL; he didn't want romances in SL. He is unattached in real life and he wanted the real thing.

However, he played with three women during his early months in SL. And he fell for another woman that he still seemed very attached to. He thought that he was over her, until he talked to me. And he talked about her constantly. I figured, since he wasn't interested in me, maybe my role was to be Dr. Phil. So, I told him the story about the monks crossing the river, and he laughed when I asked him why he was still carrying her. He had heard the story before, but I supposed it surprised him that it applied to his situation.

And I was similarly surprised when he asked if he could add me as a friend and what time I was usually in. So we agreed to meet the next night, which was last night.

At first, it was like the previous night. Lots of witty banter. Learning about each other. And then the conversation went into trust. The previous night, he had promised to be brutally honest with me and that he would keep my secrets. But last night, it felt as though he was looking for a loophole.

Suddenly, I realized that he didn't believe anything I said and I couldn't trust anything he said. And if I couldn't trust anything he said, how could I trust his promises? And that meant I was at a very vulnerable position after I had revealed so much about myself. Maybe it was a good thing that he didn't trust anything I said either, but I still felt very vulnerable. So, I started saying goodnight, making the excuse that it's very late for him anyway. I had to cut my losses.

But he challenged me. He said that it was very interesting that I would say goodnight at that point in the conversation. And as we continued arguing, he changed the dance into a slow one where he was holding me close. I commented on it.

He said that, sometimes, doing the paradoxical thing was the right thing to do. He added that "people need to be reminded sometimes why they're fighting."

I asked why *we* were fighting. His reply was, "well people in relationships are fighting to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."

I argued that he and I were not in a relationship. He agreed and said, "So I have no idea why I had this idea to do this."

I was ready to walk away. Why did he hold me back?

Suddenly, he was very nice and sweet. The song "My One and Only Love" played on the stream and he typed out the lyrics in chat as though he was singing it to me. I succumbed and mellowed out. Then we said goodnight.

He wants only RL. I want only SL. And he still carries one other in his mind. A lot of things would have to happen before he could be a lover:
1. We'd have to learn to trust each other. We can't even have a friendship without trust.
2. One of us would have to give in about the SL/RL thing.
3. He has to stop carrying her in her mind, or go back and carry her across the river so he could set her down; otherwise, our conversations would always be about her.
4. He has to be willing to carry *me* across the river, and, at this point, he's not willing to cross that river with anyone in SL.

So, it's not gonna happen. And that's a good thing. So I have more time to focus on my current ones. The ones who fill my heart.

Pruning the tree

In all my Second Life, I have not deleted a friend. Well, okay, I deleted one jerk. But in more than three years, I made it a policy to never delete a friend from my list. Until today.

I started out with almost 300 people in my friends list. And that probably would have been many more if it weren't for other people deleting me from their own lists, or for people canceling their accounts.

But, lately, I've been betrayed, I've been lied to, I've been taken advantage of. With friends like that, who needs enemies? So, today, I'm cleaning up my list. Granted, those are in a very small minority, but there are so many in my list that I've only spoken with once two years ago, and more than half don't even log in anymore. So I'll be clearing those out too.

The only ones that will stay in my friends list are those I have a strong connection with and who have a positive impact in my life, as well as business connections. If I have a doubt whether to leave someone in or let them go, I'll leave them in for now.

I am also going to start a policy of not accepting friendships until I've encountered the person at least twice. If people need to keep track of me, I'll give them my card.

If you're one of the people trimmed off, you can still find me through search. But if you feel bad about it, I'm afraid I can't take responsibility for that. I'm responsible for taking you off the list, but you're responsible for how you feel about it.

They say that, if you want big sweet and juicy fruits, you prune the tree. I'm pruning this tree.

When he lied, I cried

I have this little script that I wrote when I was with mfpwtff. It wasn't meant to be used for spying. I wrote it before he met Opal, so that he would know if I was logged into my other alts, and so that I would know when he's logged in while I was in my other alts. That way, he can either wait a few minutes for me until I join him, or he can assume that I'm asleep and do something else.

The past couple of months, my sex alt has had a few regular lovers who were European, so the scheduling was a bit tricky. So, I used this script for that. The Captain was one of those lovers. Even though he is now in Opal's friends list, he still doesn't know the identities of all my alts, so I use that tracker still.

Then the other morning, I was surprised to see his name pop up in that tracker, but when I looked for his name in my friends list to say hi, it showed him as offline. Thinking he must have logged in and out quickly, I checked my chat history. Nothing. So, I figured he wanted some privacy, so I left him alone.

Just to clarify, he and I have no agreement to be exclusive to each other. We had agreed to that arrangement even before he met Opal, because he cannot guarantee how much time he can be inworld for me, and he understands the reason I have a sex alt in the first place.

But, two hours later, he sent me an IM. This time, SL said he was online. And then he said, "i logged just to give you a hug."

Uh-huh.

He couldn't stay long, but I confronted him about it anyway. I said that all I ask from him is honesty. I reminded him that he has no commitment to me; therefore, he has no reason to lie. He promised he would never lie to me again. Then he had to go.

After he left, I cried.

And I couldn't understand why the pain was disproportionate to the transgression. It was really just a white lie. He said he was shopping for some items. But even if he were with another woman, I really wouldn't have cared; I don't consider him "mine" outside of the roleplay. And then I realized what it was....

During my undergrad, we were required to read "Sula" by Toni Morisson. In the story, Sula sleeps with her best friend Nel's husband. Nel later realizes that it wasn't the loss of her husband that hurt her more; it was the loss of her friendship with Sula. It was that feeling of suddenly losing a deep connection with the slash of a betrayal.

I had trusted the Captain with my secrets. That small white lie made me wonder if I was wrong to trust him. So, instead of revealing more of me, I would be holding back. The deepening of a friendship averted.

Now, I understand why Jaime, two years ago, mourned when all I did was copy and paste a simple conversation we had and share it with someone else. He had given me advice that I thought would help someone else. But that sharing of his words, which I didn't ask permission for, caused him to lose trust in me and threatened the friendship. I didn't understand it then, but I sensed it. It was a matter of trust.


I wonder if I still have that book somewhere....

Trust withdrawn

If you realized that an entry from a few days ago is now missing, yes, I intentionally deleted it, at the request of the person I had quoted in it. He gave me his permission to quote him prior to me writing the blog. But, today, he asked that his name be removed. I figured I'd do him a favor and just delete the entire entry, since my limerick describes him specifically anyway.

Very rarely have I had a falling out with anybody in all my Second Life. Besides griefers, people generally respect my wishes, my work, and my emotions.

This blog is not a rambling of the mundane things I do each day. It is a revelation of who I am and a journal of my evolution. It is a reflection of the wisdom I am gaining as I go through my Second Life. And I am grateful that this blog occasionally touches and inspires some of my readers, even if all I do is show a different perspective of a universal situation.

But if someone is so "inspired" that he would use the same original metaphors (as in my "Heart Gravel" entry) to say the same things, -- not by properly quoting me but in a different form (like a poem), -- am I not justified in distrusting him? And yet *he* is offended that I no longer trust him.

Trust is not a right. Trust is earned. It cannot be bribed by saying, "I trust you; therefore, you must trust me."

In a world where we know very little about the people we deal with, we suspend distrust to allow a connection to happen. But when we realize that the person does not have our interests at heart, when they insist on having their way, then we withdraw the trust, like a turtle pulling back into its shell. It is only natural. It's a survival instinct.