Tying a posthumous knot

My fifth partnership in all of SL. My third with Wolfgang. Another tie that binds me to him. Another knot.

We decided to do it today, which is exactly five years after I surrendered to him in our first RP. The surrender that felt like a wedding.

We also decided to do it all without logging the pair into SL. It was all done on the website. Our relationship still has landmines, and this pair is one of those landmines. Too risky. Too emotional. And he is fighting to keep us together by avoiding those landmines.

We were logged into our current pair, which was the first pair we partnered. And we went to the "grave site" of the pair we partnered today to do the partnership there. It felt like a wake, like a ceremony for the dead. It was bittersweet. I cried.

Then I thought to bring Alt #6 to "visit" us again. I saw his strong affection for her, his sadness for losing her, how he missed her. At moments like that, he reminds me of my father.

But he was soothed with her presence. Well, more aroused than soothed. Just by her presence, he said. Like Pavlov's dogs, I said. He laughed.

Needless to say, I was late for work. :)

Sweet little porcupine

Alt #6 met someone on Sunday. Actually, I'm meeting a lot of people lately. But this one wanted to meet again that he actually scheduled the second meeting, which was last night.

He said he wanted to get to know me. And so he did. Well, he got to know just the things that I thought were important for him to know.

I learned about him too, of course. And I realized that there's no way he could understand me. He might imagine that he does, but he had a fairy tale life and one tragedy. How could he understand a life comprised of a string of tragedies?

To his credit, he showed an honest respect for my experiences and how those shaped me. And he understood why I have my "rules" of engagement. Or disengagement as the case may be.

At some point in the conversation, he called me "a sweet little porcupine." And I remembered something I wrote a long time ago, when I was very new to SL. Then I realized that I've become the sculpture that Starax Statosky had built. The woman in the armor.

But there's more. In another post around the same time, I wrote, "when we open up and realize that it isn't safe, we quickly put on an armor. And, more often than not, the armor has long poisonous spikes."

I suppose the spikes multiplied through those years. And I've morphed into a porcupine.

Not a good thing, I know. And maybe someday I'll work on peeling off that spiked armor, but not likely anytime soon. Like a porcupine, my defensive spikes have become part of me.

On second thought, maybe he really understood me anyway. After all, he chose the perfect metaphor.

On all fours

Wolfgang is on a holiday with no access to SL. We've been communicating by email mostly. Very short ones from him, because he could only use his phone, and he hates to type long emails on it.

In the past, I've sent him seductive photos (after converting them to very small jpgs). This time, I am working on a seductive machinima, instead. He knows it's for him. I had been working on it for a long while now, and before he left for vacation, I said it was better for him to see it when he comes back so he would have something to look forward to.

So I wasn't thinking of sending him any photos so I could work on the machinima. But today, he explicitly asked for one.

"Send me [a] nice sexy pic if you wish and can... pick who. And [tell] me why the choice." He meant I could pick which of my alts to take a picture of. We had talked about folding in a fourth alt into the family, one who had once belonged briefly to a lover. But Wolfgang is actually chasing after Opal lately.

I told him I'll let it simmer in my head and send it to him when I get a good idea for one. He said it was simple. "Just to pick [an] avy and sexy pose with a meaning." And he added, "Like... student on [all] fours waiting [for] her roommate..." He was referring to a roleplay we were doing.

I replied that I had to finish the machinima. After a few emails back and forth with pretend tantrums on both sides, I complied. :D

Pick an avy... Done.
Sexy pose... Done. (I suppose boy cats find it sexy.)
On all fours... Done.
Waiting for her roommate.... Oh, yes, hurry home, darling.  :D

I gave him more

"my sub gave me so much of her it is difficult for her to imagine to share my affection"

Wolfgang's stalker returned, and we were talking about the risk of Alt#27 being linked to Opal. He was concerned about his sub finding out, because she is very possessive and she wants to be his only lover. She became aware of Alt#27 a long time ago, but she now thinks Alt#27 is no longer in his life.

What she doesn't know is that I have given him much more than she has. Not only have I given him so much of myself, but I have also given him what I was not. I was not submissive, yet I gave him Alt#27 as his sub, rebellious though she is. I was not bisexual, but I gave him Alt#32 who is partnered to one of his female alts. I loved my sexual freedom, yet I gave him Alt#6, who is now practically exclusive to him, even though he still allows her her freedom.

What I did not have, I created for him. What I was not, I became for him. Even if it was difficult. Even if it was painful.

And more importantly, I give him his freedom. Even if I feel jealous. Even if it hurts me to think of him enjoying the company of another. I give him his freedom, because his happiness is important to me, wherever he might find it. Even if he finds it in the arms of another.

When his sub was gone, I was happy that he spent more time with me. When she returned, he looked forward to seeing her, and I saw less of him, and my heart broke. But I accept it, even if it pains me.

I worried that his sub would find this blog and put two and two together, and she would realize that I am his lover that she felt jealous about a long time ago. If she does, I hope she understands that I accept her presence in his life, because she makes him happy, or else he would not be with her. And I hope she accepts my presence in his life, because I still make him happy somehow, or else he would not be with me.

I allow room for her in his life. I allow room for his other lovers and friends in his life. Because that is how I love him. And because that is how I define love.

Cherished Magdalene

When Wolfgang went on a 10-day holiday, his absence made me very, very insecure. Actually, even before he left. When I said that I felt like he was bored with me, he said it's just my imagination. Logically, I have no reason to doubt us.

Life feels desperate these days, and tears come too easily. And I feel even less secure, in spite of facts. In spite of his concern about my well-being and my mom's well-being. When I'm insecure, I don't see things in a balanced way, and I feel insecure about everything else in my life. So he points out the cold facts. He explains patiently, even when explanations tire him. He had gone through the same experiences, and he described how he saw it and dealt with it. Logically. Brutally honestly.

It shocks me. But it shocks me out of my depression. I asked for brutal honesty, he is one of the few who actually gives it to me.

I know that I'm projecting my RL insecurities onto our relationship. I know it's my current situation and my own insecurities from past affairs. I have not had an SL relationship that lasted this long, and I keep wondering if I'll know, if I'll see the signs, if I'll be blindsided. But he always reminds me that he isn't my other lovers.

Recently, he logged out one of his alts after he logged in one of his other alts that was dedicated to Alt#6. I commented that the first alt must not like me much because she left quickly. It was a silly comment because I was with his other alt. But it bothered him. It bothered him so much that he had to sit me down the next day with the first alt, and he emphasized that he cherishes Alt#6. It was the first time he used the word "cherish."

He made sure I understood how much he wanted her. And he said that, if he could be with only one of my alts, she is the one he would prefer to be with. She, who is my dirty throw-away sex object. She, who is my Magdalene. He cherishes her. I had rarely felt as wanted as I did at that moment; I was so overwhelmed that I cried.

If he could cherish that lowest darkest filthiest side of me and if he thinks of her as virginal in spite of who she was, then maybe it's a given that he cherishes the rest of me.



In other news, mfpwtff sent me a private message after he read my Facebook post about my mom needing bypass surgery almost a couple of months ago. I didn't expect him to respond to it. After all, he had been mostly offline for months too. His short message felt like one of those warm hugs he used to give me inworld, even long after we officially ended our relationship. He is in a new RL relationship now, and he honored me by letting me know. There will be no more anniversary dances, but I retain a very good friend.

Love, Like ... the Main Entree

A year ago yesterday, I surrendered.

It was in roleplay. The culmination of an intense two-week chase para-RP by email and offline messages. But that day, we met inworld for the capture part of the RP.

In the RP, he found me in my secret hideaway.
In the RP, I shivered from nervousness because he was so close.
In the RP, I realized that I had fallen in love with him.
In the RP, I cried when he leashed me.
In the RP, he fed me bread and I tasted his fingers.
In the RP, he changed his mind and wanted to release me because he felt protective.

But I felt all that, as though it were real. As though it were a wedding.

He too felt it strongly. "I felt like that man who gave you bread in your lips and from whom you caught fingers... loved, wished, and that you wished to be his," he said.


Then, yesterday, I surrendered.

With a different alt. To a different alt. To the same man.

I had asked if I could take Alt#6 out because I needed to vent, then I realized I couldn't. I met Impy through Alt#6, but I know that when I log her in, it would be Wolfgang that I would be reminded of.

Because he wanted her. Not in the way that other men wanted her. He wanted her to be part of our "family," to be cared for, to be protected, while allowing her her freedom, like the baker's cat.

He was already thinking up solutions to help me find my balance after losing Impy. He was convinced that I need another lover for balance, because he couldn't fulfill all my needs. (Sometimes, I'm surprised that he pays attention to what I say and remembers them long enough to repeat them to me later.) He reasoned that it would be good for us, because, if I'm happy, we'd get along better. He  tried to convince me to get another lover, because he knows me well now. But I think he just doesn't want to be blindsided. And he doesn't want to be the reason why I look for another.

But I already made up my mind the night before. I decided I don't need another lover. Not for a while. Maybe a couple of months or so.  We spend as much time with each other as we could, and I don't want to give that up. Besides, I don't really have a reason to grieve, because Impy never really came back. I lost him a long time ago, not this time. And I already grieved for him then. All I lost this time was my pride, but it's all my fault anyway, because I chose to be blind.

On the other hand, I gained two more pairs with Wolfgang. Three different relationships with him where we explore different possibilities, different roles, different ways of relating. If relationships were umbilical cords, I'd have more cords linking me to Wolfgang than with any other lover in all my SL. Relationships that were made stronger by our arguments and honest discussions.


Maybe I'll eventually find another lover or two. Who knows? But right now, I'm happy as we are.

Alt#31: You are definitely changing my SL.
Wolfgang#6: sl is not in one way only
Wolfgang#6: there are people inside :)
Alt#31: yes, but I had plans!
Wolfgang#6: hmm difficult to keep plans in human [relationships]
Alt#31: /me smiles.
Alt#31: Actually, I thought it would always be a certain way.
Alt#31: My SL, I mean.
Alt#31: I even wrote the book about it.
Wolfgang#6: you'd maybe change some things now you are more [experienced] ;)
Alt#31: LOL
Alt#31: "Love, Like ... the Main Entree"
Wolfgang#6: lol

Bon appetit!

The taming of the stray

A while ago, I wrote about the other cat, Alt#6.

Alt#6 had a special purpose that is darker than I had previously admitted. I had always said that she was just for one-night stands. She was my sexual outlet with no attachments to allow her to experiment and explore.

When Wolfgang started his "campaign" to win her, I had to explain the deeper darker reason for her existence, because I wanted him to understand that I wasn't denying him capriciously, that I was preserving her for when I would need her. And that need is not necessarily sex.

After a heartbreak, I would log into her for a few days, not to find comfort and solace in a stranger's arms, but to take my revenge on the male species while I also destroyed myself for being a fool. I used men while I allowed them to use me. I objectified them, in spite of my protests about women being objectified. And at the same time, I allowed them to objectify me.

In a sense, Alt#6 was a throw-away persona. The perfect persona in which to feel miserable and self-pitying. The perfect persona in which to thrash around in anger and throw tantrums and have rough sex and be mean. And I felt justified because I did it to men who only wanted me for sex anyway. I'm pretty sure it was more damaging to me than to them, but I imagined I was taking them down with me.

It was like going through mud to be cleansed, ironic as that might sound. After the rages dissipate, I wearily come back to "normal" life and move on.

Alt#6 was a coping mechanism.

But Wolfgang wanted her. He wanted her because she is my shadow side. He wanted her because she has more of my soul. He wanted her because he resonates with her. "What i didn't want was to lose you again," he said one day. I argued that he couldn't have lost her because I never gave her to him, but he remembers an incident when we were arguing about her place in our relationship "and it ended bad ... you left my arms ... and left."

"Do you feel me now?" he asked, meaning if I could feel his soul through that alt. I said yes, he was slightly different, more serious. "And i feel you also," he added. "differently, but i feel you."

Then he said, "I feel your wounds also ... and the distance you keep ... to keep [Alt#6] secure."

He gave me another quasi-dormant alt to be Alt#6's companion and consoler. But he promised that I would still have my freedom as I had before. Like a stray cat. I could go out to town and have fun, then come home for my bowl of milk and the warmth of his arms. I took it in stride; I took it for granted.

Then yesterday, I realized a betrayal that had long been going on. And I needed to take Alt#6 out again. I needed to thrash and to throw tantrums and to fight and to objectify and to self-destruct. I had my freedom; I could have just gone out. But I didn't.

Instead, I emailed him and said I needed to be with Alt#6's companion, then took a nap before I met with him. The nap mellowed me out. And when he found out the reason for the heartbreak, he understood. He saw it coming, months ago, even with the scarce information he had, but he felt it wasn't his concern, so he was discreet. Then he took me in his arms.

He reiterated that he wouldn't have minded if I took her out. He could close his eyes willfully and ignore it. As long as he wasn't the cause for my rage. All I have to do is tell him that I need to take her out to vent and he'd "kiss your lips softly and change milk bowl for later when you'll be back and prepare towel to bathe you." I nearly cried.

I resisted changing Alt#6's home position. She's a stray, her home is out there. But, yesterday, I set her home position to the home we shared. She's no longer a stray cat, who occasionally visits for milk. She's now a family cat, who occasionally strays.

No one in SL has given me the tenderness and the care that he started giving me since Alt#6 became a cat. No other lover has spent as many hours with me for as long. With what he gives me, Alt#6's old purpose becomes obsolete. At least until he and I part ways. If that happens, I'd probably be too devastated to come into SL at all anyway.

The other cat

I started a 365 project a week ago. And to make it interesting, I decided to add a character -- a white cat named Dim Sum -- who will appear in each picture.

But, Dim Sum is not my first cat avatar. A week before I even thought of the 365 project, another cat was born as a result of the same argument I talked about here.



During the argument, Wolfgang compared Alt#6 to a cat who could come and go as she pleased. Like a cat, she would have her independence and she wouldn't be forced to stay with us in our home. Maybe he got inspired by the little RP we did, where I pretended that she hated taking baths.

He kept trying to convince me that Alt#6 would still be free to do as she pleased, but he wanted to offer her a "home." I kept trying to convince him that if Alt#6 had a home, she wouldn't be her anymore, because she has a specific purpose and she can't be emotionally attached in any way.

So, he told me of a French movie called "La Femme du Boulanger" ("The Baker's Wife"), where the wife left her baker husband and ran away with a young handsome lover. In the end, she went back to him and, in the same scene, a black stray cat came into the room. The baker started talking to the cat, and he essentially said that it's fine for it to wander around and have fun, but this was her home and hearth, where she is fed well and she has a warm fireplace to sleep next to. And, on hearing that, the wife sobs, realizing that the message was as much for her as for the cat.

Then I had an idea. In an RP, Alt#6 doesn't have to follow her predefined rules, because it's just RP anyway. After all, she had done a husband-wife RP before.

At the end of that conversation, I said, "Ok. Keep a bowl of milk out." At first, he was confused, then when he realized I was going along with his metaphor, he promised, "i ll keep a milk bowl out and will replace milk every day."

The next day, I was sitting on the bench with a ginger cat -- Alt#6.

"You're earlier than I expected," I said with a smile.

"you are sillier than i expected," he replied with a wink.

"i fought for you"

While Wolfgang was on a holiday, I sent him some seductive photos and links to "entice" him back.  It was a way for us to stay in touch by email, since he couldn't have access to SL during the entire time.  The last one was a simple group photo with Alt#27, Alt#32, and -- for aesthetic reasons -- Alt#6.

I had used Alt#6 for a seductive photo with Alt#27 in the past.  At that time, he wanted her to be his.  I refused, but I said he could have a one-night stand with her.  It was his turn to refuse; he said that he didn't want emotionless hard sex.

But this time, he thought that, by adding her to the photo, I was offering her to him in the way that he wanted.  I wasn't; I was just planning to include her in one of our RPs.  He wanted to "meet" her before the planned RP, so I logged her in and we did a quick impromptu RP about forcing her to take a bath because she was muddy.

His reaction to her, taking her side while Alt#32 was the strict aunt, bothered me to the point of jealousy.  It seemed odd because she's my alt, but I later realized that it reminded me of an old RL incident where I felt the same way, where I felt that I was being pushed out.  Meanwhile, Wolfgang was trying to convince me to allow Alt#6 to "stay" with us as a "niece."

I argued that Alt#6 was meant for a specific purpose and she needs to be free from attachments.  I explained that, when I had a lot of anger and when I hated myself, I logged into her to use men and to be used by them.  He argued that he wasn't trying to stifle her.  At some point during that conversation, he finally understood the reasons why she couldn't be his or anyone's for that matter.  But he expressed his sadness and disappointment.  And that made me more jealous.  Why was she more important to him than Alt#32, who was partnered to his alt?

 [2013/01/12]
Wolfgang#6:
    you are my special one, and nothing and none can replace that
    you must know that and be sure about [it]
    we could fuck the entire sl world [of] women [avies] together, you'd keep your place with me.
    i don't release you
Alt#32:
    You like her too much.
Wolfgang#6:
    i like her
    and it is nice i do
    i like opal also
Alt#32:
    You fought for her.
Wolfgang#6:
    i fought for opal
    i fought for [Alt#27]
    i fought for you
    in fact, i fought for "you"
    in your representations here
Alt#32:
    We argued.... that's not the same as fighting for me.
Wolfgang#6:
    you are wrong
    we argued
    and i fought
    both
    and exactly same about [Alt#6]
    we argued, and i fought
    difference is just i lost ;)
    like with opal

He fought for me. He fought me for me. He's still fighting.

The real gift

2012/04/02

Alt #27: Did it give it to you?

Wolfgang: i had a message to accept

Alt #27: kk
Alt #27: Did you accept?

Wolfgang: yes
Wolfgang: it is a bracelet and necklace

Alt #27: Yes.

Wolfgang: with some word written
Wolfgang: :)

Alt #27: /me smiles.
Alt #27: But that's not the real gift.

Opal Lei: I am the real gift.

[a minute's pause]

Wolfgang: You look very beautiful "my real gift" :)

At the bottom of my last post, I said that I'd introduce him to Opal after a week. So I created a custom set of the Ms.O.Lei-ny "Etched in Stone" jewelry set to give to him when that time came.  On it, I "engraved" the title I gave him, but that title had become more a term of endearment.  I put the set in a dispenser that would give out the contents when touched by Alt #27, and I set that dispenser down in my store.

We were only supposed to meet for a short time that night because I had a doctor's appointment early the next day.  If I went to bed at 4am, I would have four hours of sleep.  He was trying to assure me that we would have other times to spend together, so it was alright if I left early to get some sleep.  And he also mentioned that he would be away from SL for a week or so, so he gave me his email address so we could communicate by email.

I didn't have an email address for Alt #27.  I never thought I'd need one for her, so I offered him the email address for Alt #6 (the first sex alt).  He said he would like to see that avie, so I logged her in and he liked her.  He noticed that she is short like Alt #27, and he wondered if I was short irl too, so we converted feet to meters and meters to feet.

Then he asked whether I used voice with Alt #6.  And webcam.  And how it went. I said that I think that webcam would ruin the fantasy because I'm not pretty.  He asked me bluntly how I defined "pretty."  He already knew how old I am.  And, early on, he guessed that I had weight problems, which he intuited based on my behavior.  I asked him if that ruined the fantasy for him.  He simply said, "No, it didn't."

That made up my mind.  So I took him to the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, clicked on the gift dispenser, and logged Opal in.

After he met Opal, I sent him to my home in Aglia while I logged both Opal and Alt #27 off and logged in Alt #11 (my social alt).  I also introduced him to Alt #4 (my original RP alt) and to Treasure.  Meanwhile, he introduced me to his two female alts which he uses for modeling at a friend's store and for additional RP characters.  (I had already met his main male alt.)  Towards the end, he was emoting silly "notes" to himself about which of my alts to seduce and what his chances were at succeeding with each one.

It was already after 5:30am when I finally went to bed.

The next day, he talked about changing our RP relationship into non-BDSM.  It was my turn to panic.  It felt as though I was losing him.

He didn't like the idea that he was the only one getting pleasure out of it.  He didn't like that my character (and I) was always tearful.  I knew that he was being extra gentle with me in the RP to avoid triggering that unpleasant feeling again when I watched my avatar kneeling with a leash.

Maybe, after reading my first blog entry about him, he realized where I really stood in regards to BDSM.  Or maybe he now sees me more fully as he met the other "sides" of me and he understands why the symbols of BDSM affect me more strongly than most people.

I told him that I was getting my own pleasure from other parts of the relationship, even if not the D/s parts.  But he still believed that I did things only to please him even if those things were uncomfortable for me.  I reminded him that he also does certain things only to please me.  He insisted that pleasing me pleases him, so I asked him why it couldn't be the same way from my side.

Once, he half-jokingly boasted that, as gamemaster, he had caused some female RPers to have nightmares.  And yet, he wouldn't allow me to do things that are uncomfortable.  So I teased him about it and said that he must really like me a lot, if he makes me an exception.  He laughed and said that wasn't nice.  I think I hit him below the belt with that comment.  But I won that part of the argument.  ;)

He reminded me that I raised the point that maybe it's not the BDSM aspect that made our connection strong as he thought.  I said that maybe it's just the combination of him and me, because we each have intense personalities.  He said that switching to a non-BDSM relationship would prove or disprove my theory.

My worry is that a non-BDSM relationship would bore him and he'd spend less time with me and more time with someone else who actually enjoys BDSM.  Like the Captain did.

Anyway, the current plan is to transition out of the current RP into a non-BDSM relationship.  I am reluctant, even though I asked for it first.  The whole situation feels shaky.

Maybe we just need a new metaphor to anchor the relationship on.  And I had already been thinking of one....

I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man.  He's just a man....

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

The Impossible happened

"That will be impossible!!!" he laughed.

He was with Alt #6, my most anonymous alt at the time.  I was telling him of my policy to let people know if they meet me as another of my alts.  However, they have to be the ones who initiate a conversation.  I would not approach them.  In fact, I would try to avoid them.

That was when he said it would be impossible because he was shy and he was not likely to say hi to everyone near him.

Actually, it had happened once before.  Only once in my five years in SL.  I had met someone through Alt #6 first, then he IM'd me while I was in Alt #11.  So I had to tell him.  But Alt #11 is still mostly anonymous also.

This time, fate seems to be at work.

I only spent one night with The Impossible (I think I'll call him that).  There was something very unusual about that meeting.  Since my hysterectomy, my orgasms didn't feel as deep as they used to.  But that night, it was though I never had a hysterectomy.  Besides that, everything else was typical of my encounters.

He was open about himself.  I found out his marital status, his age, his birthday, and his job.  We talked about his chosen SL name.

We agreed to meet the next day, but I was two hours late and he had to go.  We agreed on a time for the next day, but he didn't show up.  The day after, I saw him log in, I said "hi," he didn't respond, and he logged off.  I figured that was it.

The next time we communicated was just before Valentine's Day, exactly a month after the last communication.  I decided to clean out my friends list in Alt #6 because I wasn't supposed to have friends there anyway to avoid emotional attachments.  But before I deleted some lovers, I sent them an IM first to explain why.

The Impossible replied in an offline message and said that he understood my reasons.  He wished me the best and he reminded me of my promise to say hi if he meets my other alts in the future.  He added, "It was a great pleasure meeting you, and I really hope to see you again and talk a little."  It was a very heartwarming sentiment but I thought it was very unlikely we would meet again.

That was two weeks ago.

Sometime last year, my real-life friend Dianne invited me to Google+.  Since I limit my real-life Facebook and LinkedIn to family, friends and colleagues, I decided to use G+ for my social networking.  You know, ... when you have people in your friends list whom you don't really know except what they post on their walls.

I found someone who had shared a public circle of SL personas.  So I circled those people.  For a while, I was getting circled more than I can manage.  Then it eventually slowed down because I didn't log in much anymore.

So, when I saw the only circle notification for today, I was shocked.  Stunned really.  It was The Impossible, as his Second Life persona, adding my real-life account to his circles.

I IM'd him in SL and asked how he found me in G+. He admitted that I was in his real-life account's SL circle and he circled those same people in his SL persona's account too.  We decided to meet for a chat in SL, which we did this afternoon.

He was surprised that I knew so much about him; I told him we had met before.  I also told him that I made a promise; he said only one person made that promise to him.  He remembered the experience, but he couldn't remember Alt #6's name or the place where we met.  It took him an hour and a lot of clues from me.

But just imagine the odds of that.  It's mind-boggling.  It's like winning the lottery. I had met him through my most anonymous alt and, only two weeks after I removed him from that friends list, he circled my RL in Google+ without knowing it was me.  From my most anonymous alt directly to real life.

It was as though fate didn't want him off my friends list.  And he said that today felt just like it did when we first met.

I'm still stunned.

Left the pilgrim and echoes of a lover

Left the pilgrim

I already knew about the lies.  I already knew the two pilgrims were lovers.  I also knew that their relationship was a D/s one.  And I knew that the blonde dom had a female lover as well.  However, I also sensed that Alt #11's presence in the sub's life was causing a rift between them.  I didn't trust the dom; he didn't trust me.  I was trying to explain why my presence wasn't good for them, when the sub suddenly started being verbally abusive.  So I said goodbye and logged off.


Echoes of a lover

Since then, I've met two men who have too much in common with Rocky that I had to ask if I had met them before.

Echo #1 met Alt #6.  He's very new to SL and his artistic profile prompted me to IM him.  He was actually a techie.  I was planning to transfer him over to Alt #11 by the second date, but we had a misunderstanding that gave me second thoughts, so I decided to delay the transfer.  He was worried about the disappointment if we should meet irl.  And for him, a relationship in SL*has* to flow out to real life; it couldn't just stay in SL.  So, we agreed to end it there.  I was crying.

Interestingly, I was very upset about it for a few days.  I was upset about the "breakup" for longer than the duration of the affair.  But I knew it wasn't him or that relationship that I was upset about, but old issues cropping up because of it.  And the ache of missing the one he reminded me of.

Echo #2 met Alt #11.  For several reasons that I won't go into, I fear that this one might even be linked closer to Rocky in real life than any of us could imagine.  And he lived in the exact same city where I once lived, and synchronicity like that makes me sit up and pay attention.  When he used an expression that Rocky loves to use, I freaked out.  When I explained that it was an expression a lover uses, Echo #2 said he wouldn't use it again.

That first night, he wanted to be one of my lovers.  We even did a roleplay of him filling out an application and of me interviewing him for the position.  On the second date, I bought one of his RL photographs for my art collection, then we explored a monastery and a castle, then we made love.

But I couldn't feel a connection, even though I tried.  It felt as though there was a psychological wall.  He was nice, he was polite, but there was no emotional openness.  I suspect he's still deeply in love with his ex-partner, whom he says is now married in real life.  They were still business partners in SL until the next day after our second date.  He said that she wanted to get out of the rental business and so he took over the land she owns.  I wondered if he had told her about me, which prompted her decision to untangle.

We were supposed to meet again tonight, but he stood me up.  I logged in at 9pm and wrote him an offline at 10:30pm.  At 11pm, as I was about to log off, he replied to my offline via email and said he had just arrived home. Now, I have second thoughts about this one too.


I'm pretty sure it's me.  I just don't have that fire anymore.  Maybe it's the hysterectomy.  Maybe I really don't have time or patience to start over with new lovers, because I have more pressing real-life needs.  Maybe what I really need these days is not the excitement of a new affair, but solace from an old love.

If only the old loves would log back in.




"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away..."

Black is back

There's a Zen koan that goes something like this:

An older monk and a young monk were on their way to a temple where they would spend the night. Along the way, they came upon a river that was swollen from heavy rains. On the river's edge stood a woman who was trying to figure out how to cross.

Now, monks are not allowed to touch a woman at all and the young monk thought that they would simply pass the woman. Instead, when the older monk realized the woman's dilemma, he said, "Come on, woman," and picked her up on his shoulders. The young monk was shocked at the older monk's actions but he chose not to say anything.

When they reached the other bank, the older monk set the woman down. She thanked them profusely and they all went their separate ways. When the monks were in sight of the temple at sundown, the young monk suddenly blurted out, "You... You touched that woman back there!"

It was the older monk's turn to be surprised. He replied, "I set her down a long time ago. Why are you still carrying her?"

I have two young monks who continue to carry my sex alt.

The first one would IM every month or two for more than a year now, even after I had thought we already said our goodbyes. I was getting him ready to meet Opal when he chose not to move forward. His reason: "Rivers always run." That was after I told him the Zen koan. Months later, he returned and said, "I had forgotten how good you are." Because I had succeeded in tempting him again. :)

The second one also said his goodbyes and came back several weeks later. He has now made it a point to check on me every Saturday.

Black, whom I had talked about in the past, goes in the opposite direction. Whereas most of my other lovers met my sex alt first, Black met my RL alt first. In spite of all the heavy sexual flirting, I haven't had sex with him -- yet. He was gone from SL for a long time, and he came back yesterday. In a different alt. He left because he "didn't want to be tempted by the SL distraction". I think he came back precisely because of the SL distraction.

I think he's my third young monk. But he decided to come back to the river so he could carry me across and, more importantly, so he could set me down on the other side. As friends with privileges, no exclusivity, and in roleplay to muffle the cricket.


(My young lover who wanted exclusivity also returned, still deeply in love with my voice. But he caught me at a busy time because of the faire so I'll have some catching up to do with him too. *sigh* I am blessed.)

Giant gardenias for St. George's Day

He asked me what my favorite flower was. The first man to ever ask me that question in SL.

Then, today, I got a huge bouquet of giant gardenias, because he can't log in on Saint George's Day (April 23), which is apparently the equivalent of St. Valentine's Day in his country.

*sigh*



"He" is a new lover. Well, not so new really. I first met him in early March through my sex alt. Very kind, very gentlemanly. And a sexy avie even with newbie skin and system hair! (Well, we've updated him since then, of course.)

For more than a month, he didn't know anything about me, except that I'm a woman and that I am (in his words) "very very very erotic". Then one night (or early morning SLT), we did a brief roleplay just for kicks -- he was a ship's captain and I was a ... mermaid! (Did you expect anything else?)

As we talked, I realized it was probably better to switch him over to my RP alt. Besides, we've become friends and we didn't want to lose that friendship. So I told him that I would introduce him to my other alts where I am more open about myself and that it was up to him which alt he preferred to be with.

He met Opal first and I showed him the work I do. He was already making up his mind; I think he was still preferring my sex alt. Then I introduced him to my RP alt, and she changed his mind. :) To him, my RP alt's character represented "freedom, dangerous freedom but very attractive". And so, he and my RP alt have been in roleplay since. Not very often, since he's busier now, but we RP in email too.

Because he is married, I made him promise me that he wouldn't fall in love with me and he promised. (mfpwtff says, "goodlukwiddat". :D That was the best backhanded compliment I ever heard. :D)

Now, if only I could smell these gardenias....



That conversation with mfpwtff actually started out about something going on with Mer Betta; I badly needed a friend to talk to and he was the only one who was logged in that early and close enough to me to confide in. Earlier that morning, Kyota (Mermaid Temple) made me aware of another mermaid tail seller who has been stealing design elements from other mermaid designers and mixing them up. I can prove that the thief took a picture of one of my tails and simply modified it to make hers. She made enough changes so that it doesn't look like my tails, but she didn't make enough changes with designs she stole from other designers. At least one of those other designers had filed a report with LL already. I'm still talking to people to get advice about this before I decide what to do.

My Captain (that's what I'll call this new lover from now on in this blog) was trying to make me feel better with these flowers. *sigh*

I've been to paradise, but ...

This confession may be a shock to some and not to others, depending how you met me and how well you know me. *grins*

Last month, I created a new alt. Purely for sex. Very isolated. Some friends know she exists, but nobody knows her name -- none of my friends (SL or RL) and none of my siblings. And I'm finding out that having a sex alt is not so rare anyway. Whew!

Anyway, Anna sends me this link to an article about sex addiction with a disclaimer that she's not saying I have the affliction but she's not saying I don't either. A quote: "'Female sex addicts crave intimacy,' [Don Serratt of Life Works] says. 'They’ll use sex and seduction to create that closeness with a guy — but, once they get it, they freak out and move on to the next one.'" (I'm not going to say how close to home that one hit.)

Then, I hear a song I haven't heard for a long time, and it sticks in my head. I loved this song when I first heard it on the radio in my early teens, but obviously it didn't apply to me then. This time, with this alt, the song feels like a warning.



"Took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun... But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free... I've been to paradise, but ...."

"Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete... But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet... I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free... Hey, lady, I've been to paradise, but ...."

Ironically, that same sex alt, who's supposed to only have one-night stands, has just fallen into a husband-and-wife RP. It started out as a joke, but it expanded from there. It *is* a warm and sweet RP, but that's exactly where the danger lies -- it melts my heart. And hearts melting turn into bonding, which is very risky in terms of emotions and anonymity.

/me frantically rebuilds emotional walls as they crumble around her.