And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
- Rascal Flatts
Something caught my eye in Flickr yesterday. Actually, a lot of things catch my eye on Flickr, and I just fave them. ;) But this one was different.
Without going into details, I'll just compare it with previous experiences. Two, in fact. The caption was the name of a song that was "given" to me a long long time ago. The first thing I thought of was an old incident when a former lover said that a certain song reminded him of me, and then he later dedicated the same song to his bride at their reception which HiHo attended as the best man. I thought it happened again. But reading through the description, it wasn't the case. Then I wondered if the caption was a very discreet message, which reminded me of another incident where what seemed like an encoded message was "mistakenly" sent to a group chat.
I don't know what to think about this. Or even if I should even think about this. There are enough clues to figure out what happened. And I wondered if karma had anything to do with it. If it did, I don't know if I'd rejoice or if I'd sympathize.
Wolfgang repeatedly reminds me to stick with reality and stop imagining things. (This, from a guy who RPs with me every time we meet.) That's what he usually says when I'm being insecure. But, maybe he's right. Maybe I imagine myself as Nancy Drew and see clues of "mysteries" everywhere. Well, my avie already has the auburn hair....
Soon after midnight, I met with Rapido, who is now partnered. He said it went very fast. But being partnered didn't change how he flirts with me anyway.
He asked me to fix up his alt Rapido#2, who is exclusive to me. I asked what for, since he is now partnered.
"[Alt#31] would be your mistress?" I asked. I think he misunderstood, because he asked if Rapido#2 would be my master.
I replied, "I already have a dom. I don't want any more."
"Not like me," he countered.
"But I promised him no more doms or masters after him," I said. "I'm a terrible sub.... I give him headaches."
Then he claimed, "You are mine.... sl and rl."
I had to change the subject. :)
Showing posts with label The Impossible. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Impossible. Show all posts
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Friday, April 05, 2013
What's the point?
Wolfgang wondered why I took a long time at a store to purchase a single lingerie set. He was with another lover, but he kept me in IM.
I was writing up what I hoped would be the last piece of mail I'd ever write to him, and that's when Wolfgang's interest was piqued because I took too long to buy an outfit. So I had to update him, while avoiding names and details.
But he didn't take my side. "i know you and i m sure you are in bad road," he said, "arguing about little points, forgetting the main." Throughout the conversation, he took Impy's side.
"i just know you," Wolfgang said. But he was comparing this fight with the fights I had with him in the past, when I would leave and come back sooner than I said. But this is different. In my fights with Wolfgang, I was the one who was pulling away. In this case, Impy was the one who left. He came back to SL, but not to me. So, again, what's the point?
Wolfgang remembered an argument we had a long time ago, when I sent him an email that calmed him down as he was about to reply angrily to an earlier email. "You saved us some time ago with something like that," he said.
I still couldn't see what for, but I got the feeling that he would keep bugging me unless I did as he "suggest." And he was right; Impy replied more calmly. I suggested to be away for three months to heal and Impy agreed.
At this point, I don't think three months would make a difference. I don't think a year would make a difference. If I didn't make Impy happy enough to stay before, what's the likelihood I can make him happy in the future? So, again, what's the point?
And, yes, I am INTJ.
Alt#27: I'm stuck in emails.By that time, Impy and I had already exchanged a few replies, since he initiated the conversation a few days ago after a two-week silence. Something in the tone of his first email made me livid. I couldn't understand why he even bothered to email me again. I thought it was a done deal. Was he trying to ease his guilt? Was he trying to put the blame on me? What more did he want from me?
Wolfgang#2: what mails ?
Alt#27: Impy email.
Wolfgang#2: oho
I was writing up what I hoped would be the last piece of mail I'd ever write to him, and that's when Wolfgang's interest was piqued because I took too long to buy an outfit. So I had to update him, while avoiding names and details.
But he didn't take my side. "i know you and i m sure you are in bad road," he said, "arguing about little points, forgetting the main." Throughout the conversation, he took Impy's side.
Wolfgang#2:Impy said that he realized he wants exclusivity now, which he didn't ask from me. That meant he wants exclusivity with her. And I am definitely not willing to give up Wolfgang. So what's the point of telling Impy I still love him?
you could write [an email] just to say you are both stupid to fight on some details
tell him you didn't stop to love him
just that
Alt#27:
When I love someone, I don't stop loving him. I've told him that. I told you that.
Wolfgang#2:
that is not known in fight
Alt#27:
But I can choose to not be with him anymore.
/me sighs.
Wolfgang#2:
if you want to stop the fight, [tell] him that and forget the fight
Alt#27:
what for?
So I'd keep hurting?
Wolfgang#2:
fight hurt you
Alt#27:
So I have to pretend I'm not hurt because he prefers to be with someone else than with me?
He doesn't have much time.
She gets whatever time he has.
And besides, he already left me a long time ago, remember?
Wolfgang#2:
don't pretend you are not hurt
you just say that because it is true
Alt#27:
what is?
Wolfgang#2:
that you didn't stop to love him
Alt#27:
But for what purpose?
"i just know you," Wolfgang said. But he was comparing this fight with the fights I had with him in the past, when I would leave and come back sooner than I said. But this is different. In my fights with Wolfgang, I was the one who was pulling away. In this case, Impy was the one who left. He came back to SL, but not to me. So, again, what's the point?
Wolfgang remembered an argument we had a long time ago, when I sent him an email that calmed him down as he was about to reply angrily to an earlier email. "You saved us some time ago with something like that," he said.
I still couldn't see what for, but I got the feeling that he would keep bugging me unless I did as he "suggest." And he was right; Impy replied more calmly. I suggested to be away for three months to heal and Impy agreed.
At this point, I don't think three months would make a difference. I don't think a year would make a difference. If I didn't make Impy happy enough to stay before, what's the likelihood I can make him happy in the future? So, again, what's the point?
And, yes, I am INTJ.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Love, Like ... the Main Entree
A year ago yesterday, I surrendered.
It was in roleplay. The culmination of an intense two-week chase para-RP by email and offline messages. But that day, we met inworld for the capture part of the RP.
In the RP, he found me in my secret hideaway.
In the RP, I shivered from nervousness because he was so close.
In the RP, I realized that I had fallen in love with him.
In the RP, I cried when he leashed me.
In the RP, he fed me bread and I tasted his fingers.
In the RP, he changed his mind and wanted to release me because he felt protective.
But I felt all that, as though it were real. As though it were a wedding.
He too felt it strongly. "I felt like that man who gave you bread in your lips and from whom you caught fingers... loved, wished, and that you wished to be his," he said.
Then, yesterday, I surrendered.
With a different alt. To a different alt. To the same man.
I had asked if I could take Alt#6 out because I needed to vent, then I realized I couldn't. I met Impy through Alt#6, but I know that when I log her in, it would be Wolfgang that I would be reminded of.
Because he wanted her. Not in the way that other men wanted her. He wanted her to be part of our "family," to be cared for, to be protected, while allowing her her freedom, like the baker's cat.
He was already thinking up solutions to help me find my balance after losing Impy. He was convinced that I need another lover for balance, because he couldn't fulfill all my needs. (Sometimes, I'm surprised that he pays attention to what I say and remembers them long enough to repeat them to me later.) He reasoned that it would be good for us, because, if I'm happy, we'd get along better. He tried to convince me to get another lover, because he knows me well now. But I think he just doesn't want to be blindsided. And he doesn't want to be the reason why I look for another.
But I already made up my mind the night before. I decided I don't need another lover. Not for a while. Maybe a couple of months or so. We spend as much time with each other as we could, and I don't want to give that up. Besides, I don't really have a reason to grieve, because Impy never really came back. I lost him a long time ago, not this time. And I already grieved for him then. All I lost this time was my pride, but it's all my fault anyway, because I chose to be blind.
On the other hand, I gained two more pairs with Wolfgang. Three different relationships with him where we explore different possibilities, different roles, different ways of relating. If relationships were umbilical cords, I'd have more cords linking me to Wolfgang than with any other lover in all my SL. Relationships that were made stronger by our arguments and honest discussions.
Maybe I'll eventually find another lover or two. Who knows? But right now, I'm happy as we are.
Bon appetit!
It was in roleplay. The culmination of an intense two-week chase para-RP by email and offline messages. But that day, we met inworld for the capture part of the RP.
In the RP, he found me in my secret hideaway.
In the RP, I shivered from nervousness because he was so close.
In the RP, I realized that I had fallen in love with him.
In the RP, I cried when he leashed me.
In the RP, he fed me bread and I tasted his fingers.
In the RP, he changed his mind and wanted to release me because he felt protective.
But I felt all that, as though it were real. As though it were a wedding.
He too felt it strongly. "I felt like that man who gave you bread in your lips and from whom you caught fingers... loved, wished, and that you wished to be his," he said.
Then, yesterday, I surrendered.
With a different alt. To a different alt. To the same man.
I had asked if I could take Alt#6 out because I needed to vent, then I realized I couldn't. I met Impy through Alt#6, but I know that when I log her in, it would be Wolfgang that I would be reminded of.
Because he wanted her. Not in the way that other men wanted her. He wanted her to be part of our "family," to be cared for, to be protected, while allowing her her freedom, like the baker's cat.
He was already thinking up solutions to help me find my balance after losing Impy. He was convinced that I need another lover for balance, because he couldn't fulfill all my needs. (Sometimes, I'm surprised that he pays attention to what I say and remembers them long enough to repeat them to me later.) He reasoned that it would be good for us, because, if I'm happy, we'd get along better. He tried to convince me to get another lover, because he knows me well now. But I think he just doesn't want to be blindsided. And he doesn't want to be the reason why I look for another.
But I already made up my mind the night before. I decided I don't need another lover. Not for a while. Maybe a couple of months or so. We spend as much time with each other as we could, and I don't want to give that up. Besides, I don't really have a reason to grieve, because Impy never really came back. I lost him a long time ago, not this time. And I already grieved for him then. All I lost this time was my pride, but it's all my fault anyway, because I chose to be blind.
On the other hand, I gained two more pairs with Wolfgang. Three different relationships with him where we explore different possibilities, different roles, different ways of relating. If relationships were umbilical cords, I'd have more cords linking me to Wolfgang than with any other lover in all my SL. Relationships that were made stronger by our arguments and honest discussions.
Maybe I'll eventually find another lover or two. Who knows? But right now, I'm happy as we are.
Alt#31: You are definitely changing my SL.
Wolfgang#6: sl is not in one way only
Wolfgang#6: there are people inside :)
Alt#31: yes, but I had plans!
Wolfgang#6: hmm difficult to keep plans in human [relationships]
Alt#31: /me smiles.
Alt#31: Actually, I thought it would always be a certain way.
Alt#31: My SL, I mean.
Alt#31: I even wrote the book about it.
Wolfgang#6: you'd maybe change some things now you are more [experienced] ;)
Alt#31: LOL
Alt#31: "Love, Like ... the Main Entree"
Wolfgang#6: lol
Bon appetit!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
To be special
"i don't like to not be 'special' for someone i have sex [with]"
That was Wolfgang in his typical indirect double-negative way, talking about Alt#6 a while ago.
I always knew that each relationship is different, because the pairing is different, particularly in open relationships. Each partner is different, so the dynamic is different.
However, in a world of cookie-cutter parts, we all tend to look alike and move alike. The differences are not in how our avatars look or move; the differences are in what we -- the puppeteers -- say and do.
Even with the admittedly large number of relationships I've had in SL, I've always tried to differentiate each lover. A different term of endearment, a different way of saying "I love you," a different "nest," a different shared activity. In that way, I make each one special, at least until the relationship ends.
One French lover used to say, "Bisou, bisou." Another French lover says, "Je t'embrasse." I called one Spanish lover "carinyo" and another "querido." With one lover, I shared a NY skyloft. With another, a tree house on a floating island. With another, an antique ship. With yet another, an ornate pavilion inside a globe with an elephant in the room, which he, of course, ignored. ;)
There are many ways to say "I love you" and there are many ways to express it wordlessly. And there are many ways to make a relationship special and unique. If you remember to differentiate.
During one serious argument with Wolfgang, I suggested that maybe we should just be friends, because I was afraid that we would violently argue one day and we'd lose contact entirely. To my surprise, my suggestion angered him even more. The reason was that he knows that I don't make an effort to maintain my friendships. I pretty much leave encounters to chance or the other person's efforts, and I don't stay for long conversations. (There's an unfortunate reason for that.) On the other hand, I would willingly lose sleep for a lover and I do.
In my earlier years in SL, the only difference between a friend and a lover was that I had sex with a lover. These days, there are many more differences, because, not only do I have to differentiate between a lover and friend, I also have to differentiate among my different lovers, past and present. It is how I honor my relationship with each of them. By keeping them unique in some way. By keeping them special.
That, however, does not guarantee that I remain special to them.
Like Wolfgang, I don't like to not be special in a lover's life. But, as he also often says, sometimes it is what it is.
That was Wolfgang in his typical indirect double-negative way, talking about Alt#6 a while ago.
I always knew that each relationship is different, because the pairing is different, particularly in open relationships. Each partner is different, so the dynamic is different.
However, in a world of cookie-cutter parts, we all tend to look alike and move alike. The differences are not in how our avatars look or move; the differences are in what we -- the puppeteers -- say and do.
Even with the admittedly large number of relationships I've had in SL, I've always tried to differentiate each lover. A different term of endearment, a different way of saying "I love you," a different "nest," a different shared activity. In that way, I make each one special, at least until the relationship ends.
One French lover used to say, "Bisou, bisou." Another French lover says, "Je t'embrasse." I called one Spanish lover "carinyo" and another "querido." With one lover, I shared a NY skyloft. With another, a tree house on a floating island. With another, an antique ship. With yet another, an ornate pavilion inside a globe with an elephant in the room, which he, of course, ignored. ;)
There are many ways to say "I love you" and there are many ways to express it wordlessly. And there are many ways to make a relationship special and unique. If you remember to differentiate.
During one serious argument with Wolfgang, I suggested that maybe we should just be friends, because I was afraid that we would violently argue one day and we'd lose contact entirely. To my surprise, my suggestion angered him even more. The reason was that he knows that I don't make an effort to maintain my friendships. I pretty much leave encounters to chance or the other person's efforts, and I don't stay for long conversations. (There's an unfortunate reason for that.) On the other hand, I would willingly lose sleep for a lover and I do.
In my earlier years in SL, the only difference between a friend and a lover was that I had sex with a lover. These days, there are many more differences, because, not only do I have to differentiate between a lover and friend, I also have to differentiate among my different lovers, past and present. It is how I honor my relationship with each of them. By keeping them unique in some way. By keeping them special.
That, however, does not guarantee that I remain special to them.
Like Wolfgang, I don't like to not be special in a lover's life. But, as he also often says, sometimes it is what it is.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
"the world seems to stop"
I gave him a hug for a short while and then logged off to take care of RL. In the past, Impy was usually the one who did the countdown and I was the one left behind. This time, I did the countdown.
Not long after, I got an offline message that said, ...
When you finally understand someone's experience or when someone finally understands your experience, that's when your souls touch.
And when someone tells you that the world stops when you leave, that's when you swoon and thank your lucky stars.
Not long after, I got an offline message that said, ...
"wow, now i know how is that feeling...when you go and the world seems to stop....you are filling my mind and the seconds keep running while i have that 'lost look' to the clear blue of the sky...."
When you finally understand someone's experience or when someone finally understands your experience, that's when your souls touch.
And when someone tells you that the world stops when you leave, that's when you swoon and thank your lucky stars.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Something deep
"i dont want to go very deep in conversation now...but do you know that I really feel something deep for you??"
Impy and I were talking about keyboards and non-English characters. Then he said that. Out of the blue.
Four months ago, he left. I waited. He stayed away. I packed. He returned, but he couldn't promise anything. I thought what we had in the past would remain in the past. He said that he viewed me as "a close friend from across the sea." I took his word "friend" to mean "platonic."
Because he logged in as his primary alt most of the time, I thought it was a confirmation that he really didn't want that kind of relationship anymore. Not only because he didn't have time, as he had said, but also because he really didn't feel that way anymore, as I had assumed.
I've gotten used to imbalanced relationships. Imbalanced in terms of level of anonymity, in terms of commitment, in terms of depth of emotion. So, I coped. He remained in my life and that was enough. I had stopped hoping for anything more than platonic, although I still consider him a lover.
But, as with past lovers, I've packed away the deep emotions and left only the "safe" ones visible -- the light emotions, the fun emotions, the noncommittal emotions. I gave him his space. I avoided being too clingy.
So when he said that today, I felt a soft punch on my chest. But my mind refused to believe.
"No, my love, I don't know."
Impy and I were talking about keyboards and non-English characters. Then he said that. Out of the blue.
Four months ago, he left. I waited. He stayed away. I packed. He returned, but he couldn't promise anything. I thought what we had in the past would remain in the past. He said that he viewed me as "a close friend from across the sea." I took his word "friend" to mean "platonic."
Because he logged in as his primary alt most of the time, I thought it was a confirmation that he really didn't want that kind of relationship anymore. Not only because he didn't have time, as he had said, but also because he really didn't feel that way anymore, as I had assumed.
I've gotten used to imbalanced relationships. Imbalanced in terms of level of anonymity, in terms of commitment, in terms of depth of emotion. So, I coped. He remained in my life and that was enough. I had stopped hoping for anything more than platonic, although I still consider him a lover.
But, as with past lovers, I've packed away the deep emotions and left only the "safe" ones visible -- the light emotions, the fun emotions, the noncommittal emotions. I gave him his space. I avoided being too clingy.
So when he said that today, I felt a soft punch on my chest. But my mind refused to believe.
"No, my love, I don't know."
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Fight or flight
The bet
August 14, 2012. Impy was talking about Guild Wars 2. It was supposed to come out on August 28 and he was excited about it.
[2012/08/14 16:59:16]
Alt#24: After you buy GW2, I won't see much of you anymore.
That's where your time will go.
Impy2: no, i dont think so
i will not go fully into GW2
Alt#24: I should make a bet.
Impy2: lol, you will loose
Alt#24: I think you'll be too tired to come into SL.
Impy2: no, this is 'diferent', it is not a game
Alt#24: And after your eyes get accustomed to the great graphics in GW1, you will not want to come back to SL.
Impy2: laughs
XDDD no way
Alt#24: Make the bet then!
Alt#24: Okay.
Here's my bet.
By October, you will drop down to once or twice a week in SL.
Impy2: nope
Alt#24: Make the bet and I'll track it.
Impy2: what do you want to bet?
Alt#24: 1,000L
You can afford that.
Impy2: :D ok
Alt#24: ok ... Deal.
Impy2: deal
Alt#24: One day, my darling, you'll learn never to make a bet with a Filipina.
Impy2: haha :D
November 9, 2012. Impy logged in after my presentation at the Non-Profit Commons. He had logged in a week before, but we didn't log into our dedicated alts then. This time, we did.
[2012/11/09 10:28:20]
Second Life: [Impy2] paid you L$1000.
Alt#24: What's that for?
Impy2: remember our "bet"?
Alt#24: I forgot.
Impy2: :) laughs.
Alt#24: What was the bet?
Impy2: don't remember..."I bet you will log less and less....till one day in the week
Alt#24: oh
Impy2: i said no...
Impy2: you won :S
Alt#24: In that case, you owe me another 4000L
I won that bet because that's typical in my Second Life. Lovers fading away. Some disappear without a word. Some fall away, but they keep in touch by email, until eventually the emails disappear too. Some *do* return. Rapido did. And now, Impy did too. Even Yes Man had contacted me recently and we had a brief chat by disembodied IM to catch up on news with each other.
In the past, I figured I would always be abandoned. I have abandonment issues and they say that you would always get the same lessons in life until you learn them. I imagined that was the lesson I had to keep learning.
After all, I was always the one who was more immersed in SL. And my lovers were more focused on their RL. So it was only natural that I'd be the one left behind.
In fact, that was how I viewed every lover. He was just there for a short time and, eventually, he'd fade away. I could bet on it with confidence....
I don't think about to leave you
Later that same afternoon, I saw Wolfgang#2 logged in when it was already very late for him. He said he was on his way to bed. I asked for a hug before he goes to bed; he declined. I was very disappointed.
I imagined he was with his sub, and I felt bad that he spent the whole evening with her, but I couldn't even get five minutes for a hug. After he logged off, I couldn't focus so I logged my social alt and went to Frank's. I hid in a corner while listening to the music and working on other things outside SL. I said hi to a friend and another friend caught me. The second one proposed RL sex after finding out that we actually live near each other. I declined. He's less than half my age.
The next day, Wolfgang asked how my day was, as usual. And I mentioned taking my social alt out and the conversation with the young friend. I also mentioned that I spent a little time with Impy and that he's back. Then he asked me how Rapido was, and I said he was fine but I hadn't seen him for a while either.
[2012/11/10 02:26:25]
Alt#32: It's been just you for a long time.
Wolfgang#4: yes i know ... but it looks to change soon
Alt#32: I don't know.
Wolfgang#4: i think it will anyway as you show the wish it does
Alt#32: How do I show the wish?
Wolfgang#4: because all that, the dance with [social alt], the impy around, rapido too
I told him that I didn't really dance. I was just standing in the corner. Then I explained, "Sometimes, I just need to be around crowds because I feel lonely. And sometimes I feel lonely and rejected when I can't even get a five minute hug."
And the argument started.
I tried to appease him. I tried to prove I was thinking of him even as I stood at Frank's because a song played by the DJ made me think of him. He continued to think I was trying to make him jealous, simply because I didn't get a hug. I was trying to explain that it was just a slight disappointment and I went out to soothe myself.
I kept repeating what I said in so many ways. It was as though he wasn't listening or he didn't believe me. At one point, I felt like the argument was going nowhere, and I said, "I am at a point where I am seriously thinking of giving up." I was seeing red.
And that became another point of contention.
The argument continued through email the next day. Even while he was at a family gathering.
I said, "I always believed that love should be the only reason to be with another person. Maybe I’m a romantic idealist. I’ve wanted to run away because of our differences. I stayed because I love you. But, if my love for you is not a good enough reason, then what reason is there to stay?"
He replied, "I always believed that when you love someone, you don't have to search a reason to stay, because then, you don't wish to leave. And i believe that when you wish to leave, the meaning is that you don't love that much, or not that much anymore. ...
" Love is a good reason to not leave someone, it is just so bad that some reasons need to be found to decide to stay. ... Romantic words are words, reality is reality. ... You, the romantic, want to leave because [of] 2 argues and our differences. ... Me ,the not romantic, was here and stayed here without thinking about to leave, although our argues, although our differences which are for me constructive and not a problem. ... You, you say to me you love me. I, I don't think about to leave you."
My own reply was much longer, but essentially, "Running away doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Sometimes, it just means I am feeling more pain than I can handle. I can deal with arguments; arguments can be logical. I have a very difficult time dealing with emotional pain, because emotional pain often irrational. Feeling jealous is irrational. Feeling rejected just because I didn’t get a hug is irrational. ...
"You get hurt because of the argument. I’m already hurt before the argument starts. For me, the argument is like pulling out the arrow and cleaning the wound. It hurts more, but it’s necessary for healing. ...
"The will is not stronger than love; the will gets its strength from love. When I say I love you, I am saying that my love powers my will to stay and it overrides my impulse to run away from the pain. That impulse is the fight-or-flight instinct. When I cannot fight anymore, my instinct is to flee. But fleeing would not make you happy, so I stay."
We had a couple more exchanges by email before we met inworld again. And we made up.
But this argument has opened my eyes. As he says, I look for a reason to stay, but the thought of leaving me never even occurred to him. If he's right, maybe the impulse to flee is also triggered by fear. Fear of commitment. Fear of the relationship going further than I am prepared to go.
Somehow, a shift happened inside my brain. Somehow, I see him differently now.
Maybe I should save my Lindens. I'm not making any bets with this one.
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
― Dr. Seuss
Saturday, October 13, 2012
7 days
It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.
Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.
When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".
The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"
As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".
At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.
Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.
And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.
I hardly see Rapido anymore.
At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.
Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".
I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."
He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."
His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".
He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".
The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.
After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.
A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.
I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.
Well, needless to say, we argued again.
This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.
I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.
I told him I'd decide the next day.
I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.
In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.
During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....
"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."
I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.
It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.
But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.
So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.
So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.
Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.
But the countdown had ended.
So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.
I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.
He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.
He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.
"you are mine"
Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.
When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".
The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"
As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".
At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.
"i prefer he is your lover than another"
Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.
And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.
I hardly see Rapido anymore.
At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.
Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".
I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."
He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."
His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".
He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".
a birthday gift
The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.
After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.
A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.
I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.
Well, needless to say, we argued again.
This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.
I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.
I told him I'd decide the next day.
I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.
I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...He replied with "Yes I wish".
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above
In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.
During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....
tracker redux
"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."
I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.
It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.
But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.
So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.
So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.
packing the past
Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.
But the countdown had ended.
So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.
I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.
He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.
He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
More involvement
Updates
Sometimes, you think you're recovering nicely, then suddenly some random thing, some random phrase, some random piece of music sends you sobbing again. I probably should start packing the home I shared with Impy, but the pain is still too fresh for me to even go there.
Meanwhile, mfpwtff has been on email with me lately, asking me to review his personal ad profile and asking for my thoughts on things in his RL. We've always had a wonderful friendship. I relied on him for a hug and a chat on many occasions when I've been heartbroken. Now, it's my turn to be there for him as he gets back on his feet after his divorce. If only all my relationships end up like this, life would be good.
A close call
I haven't had much time for Rapido, nor he for me because he's going on a trip soon. We've been taking our alts out (Alt#31 and Rapido#2) and doing multiples. We've even tried to do a little bit of RP between ourselves. Of course, the focus is still on sex.
However, I had a bit of a scare once when we were at a public sex place. We were in a room in a castle when another couple came into the same room and used the bed. Rapido, thinking it would be more exciting to do multiple, asked the guy if they wanted to join us. The guy seemed to be all for it, but he said that his girl was too shy and would probably not agree. Whew!
I have this "rule" that if someone who knows me from one alt approaches another of my alts by accident, I would admit that they know me. I've only had to make good on that promise twice -- Impy was the second one.
And the guy that Rapido was inviting to join us in a foursome, well, ... he was once an admirer of Alt#11.
More involvement
When Wolfgang found out that I lost Impy, he simply made a comment about how fast relationships don't last. That was it. We were just chatting about the state of his relationships and how many he had left.
Then, the other day, he came in outside his usual time, so I tp'd him for a hug. Then he said he had to say hello to one of his former subs, the same one who was jealous of my name in his profile. She had just logged in. So I released him from the hug, thinking that he had to tp away. But he didn't.
He remained there, with his LookAt crosshairs on Opal. He noticed that Opal has the same feet as Alt#27. I said, yes, but Alt#27 has the mesh version and Opal has the sculpt version.
"She is beautiful," he said, referring to Alt#27. "But I didn't lose hope to make you mine someday too."
Whoa!
That started a long conversation that is still unresolved. It wove in and out, as I tried to figure out exactly what he wanted.
He likes watching female-female scenarios. We tried it with one of his female alts, but it didn't feel right for me, so he aborted it, even though I was willing to go through it. I wondered if it would feel more comfortable if both females were my alts. He wasn't enthusiastic about the idea before, because he felt that I would still be doing something that I don't particularly enjoy.
But, now, he seems to be revisiting the idea.
I thought that if he just wanted a sex RP, I could use Alt#6. He refused. He said that she "belongs" to everybody and he doesn't want emotionless hard sex. "i prefer more intimate relationships," he said. I offered Alt#4, but he wants more than just RP. I offered other alts that I don't use, and he said he'd like all of them.
His idea was to resurrect my sleeping alts, because he never liked the idea of putting avatars to sleep. He puts so much of himself in his own alts, and he shivered at the idea that Alt#27 would be put to sleep if our relationship ended. He feels it's like real death. Of course, I objected that he shouldn't care what I do with her if he doesn't care about her anymore.
He said it was just a simple idea to pull my free alts into a "family." He agrees that Opal would be more complicated because Opal is no longer anonymous, although he somewhat expressed a preference for Opal because she is the most "me" of all my alts.
To be honest, the whole thing was a big surprise. He thinks it's no big deal. But it seems that his idea of where we are is different from my idea of where we are. I gave him the metaphor of a range from 0 to 10, where 0 means we are not involved, and 10 means we're married. It seemed like (and these are random numbers) he thinks we're at 3 and he wants to go to 4. Meanwhile, I think we're at 1, so it's a big jump from 1 to 4. So, to him, his idea wasn't a big request. But, to me, I'd have to rearrange my whole SL.
Last night, he logged in one of his female alts to give me a gift. He had bought some nylons for me through her. And, he started RPing as her, while I tried out the different colors. And the conversation was very eye-opening. Through the mask of a female alt, he spoke more freely. He noticed I was calmer too. And through that female alt, I gained a better understanding of a man who has been mostly a mystery to me.
And this past week, I'm beginning to see that we really are closer to "3" than to "1". And I'm beginning to understand what I really mean to him.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The final countdown
Almost two years ago, on the second day I met Spot, he and I had a very bad argument about trust. It was more than an argument; it was a real fight.
We stopped talking to each other after that, and not in good terms either. Then three months later, he sent me a notecard saying that he was leaving SL, but that he had hoped we'd have a correspondence by email because I was one of the few "different" people that he had met during his years in SL.
That invitation was very unexpected. What's even more surprising is that he's one of my closest friends in SL now. (No, we were never lovers.) Maybe the arguments themselves strengthen the relationship, because you air things out, because you know where you stand, because you discuss things, instead of allowing the resentment to simmer.
Anyway, during that argument, he said, "people in relationships [fight] to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."
He's right. It's so much easier to walk away.
I've had my share of arguments. Some lovers even claim that I enjoy arguing. But sometimes, you have no other choice except to walk away.
Sometimes, there's really nothing to argue for. Sometimes, you have to admit that maybe that was all it was meant to be. No matter how wonderful the relationship was. No matter how special it seemed. No matter how much that realization hurts.
Sometimes, you have no right to fight for what you want, if getting what you want means you'd be putting your lover's happiness and well-being at risk. Because he made previous commitments. Because he has higher priorities.
"If you love something, set it free."
Impy used to do a countdown before he said goodnight. It was a wonderful technique that soothed my abandonment issues. They also say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Since he's not here, I suppose I'd have to do it.
So, here we go...
3...
We stopped talking to each other after that, and not in good terms either. Then three months later, he sent me a notecard saying that he was leaving SL, but that he had hoped we'd have a correspondence by email because I was one of the few "different" people that he had met during his years in SL.
That invitation was very unexpected. What's even more surprising is that he's one of my closest friends in SL now. (No, we were never lovers.) Maybe the arguments themselves strengthen the relationship, because you air things out, because you know where you stand, because you discuss things, instead of allowing the resentment to simmer.
Anyway, during that argument, he said, "people in relationships [fight] to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."
He's right. It's so much easier to walk away.
I've had my share of arguments. Some lovers even claim that I enjoy arguing. But sometimes, you have no other choice except to walk away.
Sometimes, there's really nothing to argue for. Sometimes, you have to admit that maybe that was all it was meant to be. No matter how wonderful the relationship was. No matter how special it seemed. No matter how much that realization hurts.
Sometimes, you have no right to fight for what you want, if getting what you want means you'd be putting your lover's happiness and well-being at risk. Because he made previous commitments. Because he has higher priorities.
"If you love something, set it free."
Impy used to do a countdown before he said goodnight. It was a wonderful technique that soothed my abandonment issues. They also say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Since he's not here, I suppose I'd have to do it.
So, here we go...
3...
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Six
Six years in Second Life
60,000+ items in my inventory (And lots of them are boxed!)
336 avatars in my friends list
36,000+ in my L$ balance
The past six years have certainly been the most intense and most interesting part of my life. The past six years have changed my life. My world has expanded exponentially in more ways than one.
I've hidden my virtual life from the public during the first four years or so for fear of being judged. But now, I stand vulnerable and exposed to the world through my book.
Where I'll be another six years from now, who knows. But I'm pretty sure I'll still be living in a virtual world somewhere.
In other news, ...
I just released the first episode of the new talk show "Talk, Like Dim Sum" which is based on the book.
It felt like I have been guided throughout this project. Even though it wasn't easy, it felt as though there were an unseen hand helping me get this done in such a short time, from conception of the idea to the release of the first episode.
My brain is too tired now, but soon I'll have time to sit down and examine how things just fell into place.
Meanwhile, ...
Wolfgang has been on vacation for a few weeks now, so I haven't seen him inworld. His internet connection is so bad, that even Radegast crashes. He emails me when he can. And I'm experiencing a different side of him. He's more lighthearted than I originally thought. He makes more jokes. He is more playful.
Maybe it's because, when I usually meet with him, he's at work so he is distracted and more serious. Now that he's on vacation, he's more relaxed and that affects his interactions with me.
Because he's gone, I get more work done during the early morning hours which is when I usually meet with him.
And I also get more time to spend with Rapido, who is usually in during the early mornings. Although, he is usually already dancing with someone else by the time I log in.
We have new alts but we've never really spent time to fix them up. Mine has one outfit. The same one she was born with. :D But he wants her to be chubby so I have to figure out what outfits work with a chubby shape. (I already have that problem in real life, why do I have to have the same problem in SL?!?)
Meanwhile, Impy and I have a little crisis. His RL leaves him with no time to come into SL anymore. Even his emails are a lot fewer than usual. I thought I was losing him. I was panicking. Lack of time is the most common reason my lovers leave SL. I saw the same thing happening again. But he assures me it's not the case. He thinks that the crisis will pass and that he'll be able to come in more often again.
To be honest, I don't know. I've seen this happen too many times. When push comes to shove, I fall off my lovers' priority lists. And I understand. On the other hand, the circumstances of how I met Impy was strangely synchronous that it feels like this relationship is meant to be something more than a passing romance. That's why I don't know. Meanwhile, I am grateful for each day. Each email. Each typed kiss. Each imagined touch.
I've been through this many times before. It still isn't easy.
60,000+ items in my inventory (And lots of them are boxed!)
336 avatars in my friends list
36,000+ in my L$ balance
The past six years have certainly been the most intense and most interesting part of my life. The past six years have changed my life. My world has expanded exponentially in more ways than one.
I've hidden my virtual life from the public during the first four years or so for fear of being judged. But now, I stand vulnerable and exposed to the world through my book.
Where I'll be another six years from now, who knows. But I'm pretty sure I'll still be living in a virtual world somewhere.
In other news, ...
I just released the first episode of the new talk show "Talk, Like Dim Sum" which is based on the book.
It felt like I have been guided throughout this project. Even though it wasn't easy, it felt as though there were an unseen hand helping me get this done in such a short time, from conception of the idea to the release of the first episode.
My brain is too tired now, but soon I'll have time to sit down and examine how things just fell into place.
Meanwhile, ...
Wolfgang has been on vacation for a few weeks now, so I haven't seen him inworld. His internet connection is so bad, that even Radegast crashes. He emails me when he can. And I'm experiencing a different side of him. He's more lighthearted than I originally thought. He makes more jokes. He is more playful.
Maybe it's because, when I usually meet with him, he's at work so he is distracted and more serious. Now that he's on vacation, he's more relaxed and that affects his interactions with me.
Because he's gone, I get more work done during the early morning hours which is when I usually meet with him.
And I also get more time to spend with Rapido, who is usually in during the early mornings. Although, he is usually already dancing with someone else by the time I log in.
We have new alts but we've never really spent time to fix them up. Mine has one outfit. The same one she was born with. :D But he wants her to be chubby so I have to figure out what outfits work with a chubby shape. (I already have that problem in real life, why do I have to have the same problem in SL?!?)
Meanwhile, Impy and I have a little crisis. His RL leaves him with no time to come into SL anymore. Even his emails are a lot fewer than usual. I thought I was losing him. I was panicking. Lack of time is the most common reason my lovers leave SL. I saw the same thing happening again. But he assures me it's not the case. He thinks that the crisis will pass and that he'll be able to come in more often again.
To be honest, I don't know. I've seen this happen too many times. When push comes to shove, I fall off my lovers' priority lists. And I understand. On the other hand, the circumstances of how I met Impy was strangely synchronous that it feels like this relationship is meant to be something more than a passing romance. That's why I don't know. Meanwhile, I am grateful for each day. Each email. Each typed kiss. Each imagined touch.
I've been through this many times before. It still isn't easy.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
97 exclamation points
Three "I love it"'s. Four OMG's. Ninety-seven exclamation points.
I love how expressive the man is. :D Every woman should have a big fan like him.
I had sent him a video I filmed a couple of weeks ago (but processed only last night) with Alt#24 doing a belly dance using one of Torley's Big Sun windlight settings.
It's a private video because it's a gift for him. (No, Alt#24 was not naked.) But I'll ask him if he's okay with me re-posting it here.
(He said yes, I can re-post it here, but I have to find music that works well with it, without using YouTube's music.)
I love how expressive the man is. :D Every woman should have a big fan like him.
I had sent him a video I filmed a couple of weeks ago (but processed only last night) with Alt#24 doing a belly dance using one of Torley's Big Sun windlight settings.
It's a private video because it's a gift for him. (No, Alt#24 was not naked.) But I'll ask him if he's okay with me re-posting it here.
(He said yes, I can re-post it here, but I have to find music that works well with it, without using YouTube's music.)
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Ah, August again
August 2006 - My life changed when I joined Second Life.
August 2007 - My life changed when I launched Mer Betta.
August 2008 - My life changed when I joined MODA as a fashion model.
August 2009 - My life changed when I met Second Life friends at the SLCC in San Francisco, the event that started the unraveling of Opal's anonymity.
August 2010 - My life changed when I started dabbling on internet marketing.
August 2011 - My life changed when I got engaged and then disengaged and, in the process, lost someone else (not the one I got engaged to) who was very important to me, but it made me realize that maybe I am more open to a real-life relationship than I thought.
August 2012 - My life is probably going to change again, because I have a book out and I'm about to start a talk show related to the book.
But, maybe, August has been a significant month, long before I first logged into Second Life. My maternal grandmother, the only natural grandparent I really knew, was born in August. My paternal uncle who helped raised me and my sisters was born in August. My parents were married in August. And, maybe my life also changed in August 1971, except I didn't realize it until this year.
August 2007 - My life changed when I launched Mer Betta.
August 2008 - My life changed when I joined MODA as a fashion model.
August 2009 - My life changed when I met Second Life friends at the SLCC in San Francisco, the event that started the unraveling of Opal's anonymity.
August 2010 - My life changed when I started dabbling on internet marketing.
August 2011 - My life changed when I got engaged and then disengaged and, in the process, lost someone else (not the one I got engaged to) who was very important to me, but it made me realize that maybe I am more open to a real-life relationship than I thought.
August 2012 - My life is probably going to change again, because I have a book out and I'm about to start a talk show related to the book.
But, maybe, August has been a significant month, long before I first logged into Second Life. My maternal grandmother, the only natural grandparent I really knew, was born in August. My paternal uncle who helped raised me and my sisters was born in August. My parents were married in August. And, maybe my life also changed in August 1971, except I didn't realize it until this year.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
"you complete me"
"you complete me and i really need you"
That's what Impy said today. He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails. Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice. Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.
I figured he was fading away. Real life was pulling him away. That's how most of my relationships end. I was expecting the worst. My heart was breaking.
But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming. He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.
I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises. I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.
He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago. It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang. I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied. And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody. I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.
Honestly, I am overwhelmed. The man fills my cup to overflowing.
This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot. But our relationship is more stable this past week.
The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to. But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel. Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM. He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.
The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.
Something strange happened last Thursday though. He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work. Then he got naked. And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness. Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words). So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.
It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness. It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long. He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.
Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again. I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god! The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish. This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.
Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL. I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.
Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend. Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities. :)
That's what Impy said today. He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails. Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice. Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.
I figured he was fading away. Real life was pulling him away. That's how most of my relationships end. I was expecting the worst. My heart was breaking.
But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming. He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.
I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises. I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.
He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago. It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang. I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied. And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody. I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.
Honestly, I am overwhelmed. The man fills my cup to overflowing.
This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot. But our relationship is more stable this past week.
The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to. But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel. Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM. He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.
The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.
Something strange happened last Thursday though. He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work. Then he got naked. And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness. Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words). So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.
It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness. It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long. He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.
Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again. I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god! The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish. This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.
Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL. I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.
Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend. Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities. :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
Ain't no sunshine
I was entertaining an out-of-town friend this weekend. When I told Impy that I couldn't meet with him Saturday because of that, I sensed disappointment in the very brief pause.
So when he sent me this link (which I saw on Saturday evening), of course, my heart melted.
When I came back Sunday night, I got two surprise gifts from him. I was stunned.
We had talked about going public with our relationship, but I'm having second thoughts now. If everybody knew who the wonderful Impy is, some women out there (or men in female avatars) might try to steal him away. Do I want that risk? ;)
So when he sent me this link (which I saw on Saturday evening), of course, my heart melted.
When I came back Sunday night, I got two surprise gifts from him. I was stunned.
We had talked about going public with our relationship, but I'm having second thoughts now. If everybody knew who the wonderful Impy is, some women out there (or men in female avatars) might try to steal him away. Do I want that risk? ;)
Monday, July 16, 2012
Examining the bar
I was ready to send Wolfgang an email last night to tell him I was ready to meet. Then I realized that I was "ready," only because I miss him. I still had no resolution to bring to the table.
A long time ago, I heard of a study of couples, done by John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict which newly weds would divorce based on micro-expressions on the couple's faces that are not visible to the human eye, but can be clearly seen on slow-motion video.
And as I was looking it up, I found this video of John Gottman himself, talking about building trust.
Around 3:10, he talks about CLalt (Comparison Level for Alternatives), where he said:
When I first surrendered to Wolfgang as his sub, he was very reluctant to add Alt#27's name to his profile to say that she is under his protection, as is customary in BDSM circles. Even though he had other subs, he never placed anybody's name in his profile. I had to argue that me putting his name on my profile as being protected by him wouldn't hold water if he doesn't confirm it in his own profile.
Impy wanted a partnership, specifically because he wanted my name in his profile officially.
I think I had asked Wolfgang to create an alt just for me since the beginning, but he refused because of his own philosophy about his own alts. He didn't want a throw-away alt; he didn't want an alt that he would put to sleep after the relationship is over. So when one of his subs threw a tantrum because he had my name in his profile and not hers, he removed my name. I again asked him to create an alt just for me. He argued against it again. And it was the same time we argued about the tracker as well. To appease me, he said he didn't definitively say "no." And eventually, he relented and created an alt, but warned me that he probably won't give that new alt his essence.
When I suggested that Impy create a new alt for me in order for us to have privacy, he did so the very next day.
Wolfgang refuses to explicitly say that he loves me, not in any language. He said that he prefers to say "I like you," but he never said that to me either. He said that his actions should be enough. And yet, one of his former friends started harassing me because she mistook his actions as romantic, instead of platonic. He pointed out little clues in our RP, but am I supposed to accept his RP as real?
Impy is emotionally expressive. Not just in his actions, but in his words as well. I don't remember a day when he forgot to say he loves me, whether in English or in Spanish.
Wolfgang hates to talk by voice. Impy loves to listen to my voice.
Wolfgang never read a single blog post that I wrote. He picked up my book long ago, but he still hasn't read it. Impy inhaled my blogs and my book, because he was very curious about who I am.
Is it any wonder that my CLalt zoomed upwards?
Granted, I'm not Wolfgang's best lover either. He says I read things into what he says and I argue too much.
When he mentioned that all his other lovers were devoted to him alone and that I'm the only one with other lovers besides him, I took it as a complaint. When he talked about starting a diet to lose a few pounds, I took it as an insult about my RL weight. When he refused to arrange to have someone notify me if anything happened to him, he said that only his family and his RL friends would know when he passed on, and none of his SL friends would, ... well, what right did I have to assume I had at least some importance to him?
He enjoyed "sensuality" like dancing with me half-naked. When I told him that those things usually aroused me and that I was left frustrated, he indicated that I should be able to find someone to satisfy me, even though I insisted that sex without emotions was not as satisfying and it was always difficult to find a good partner. I started to tell him about an ex-lover who made a point of arousing me then logging off without satisfying me. That was when he said that he's not my other lovers. So I never got the chance to tell him that I broke off that relationship precisely because of that repeated sexual frustration.
I am not ignoring the wonderful things he does for me. I am not forgetting that he refuses to do something if it doesn't also give me pleasure, that he compliments the work I do, that he gives me his time even while he's working, that he hurries back from lunch because he knows I am waiting, that he has confided in me more than he has confided in most people.
And I cannot dismiss the fact that I love him. And he has, in fact, become a bit more expressive lately, more tender, more caring.
I still don't know what to do. If we leave things the way they are, we'll eventually break up and just be friends, which means I'll just ignore him.
Maybe this is just growing pains. But growing how? If I'm just another "SL friend," is it worth investing more time and effort in this relationship?
A long time ago, I heard of a study of couples, done by John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict which newly weds would divorce based on micro-expressions on the couple's faces that are not visible to the human eye, but can be clearly seen on slow-motion video.
And as I was looking it up, I found this video of John Gottman himself, talking about building trust.
Around 3:10, he talks about CLalt (Comparison Level for Alternatives), where he said:
"Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner, of building resentment rather than gratitude, of lower investment in the relationship, less dependency for getting your needs met, not sacrificing for the relationship, and escalating conflicts so it becomes an absorbing state."And that hit home. CLalt was that "bar" that Impy raised.
When I first surrendered to Wolfgang as his sub, he was very reluctant to add Alt#27's name to his profile to say that she is under his protection, as is customary in BDSM circles. Even though he had other subs, he never placed anybody's name in his profile. I had to argue that me putting his name on my profile as being protected by him wouldn't hold water if he doesn't confirm it in his own profile.
Impy wanted a partnership, specifically because he wanted my name in his profile officially.
I think I had asked Wolfgang to create an alt just for me since the beginning, but he refused because of his own philosophy about his own alts. He didn't want a throw-away alt; he didn't want an alt that he would put to sleep after the relationship is over. So when one of his subs threw a tantrum because he had my name in his profile and not hers, he removed my name. I again asked him to create an alt just for me. He argued against it again. And it was the same time we argued about the tracker as well. To appease me, he said he didn't definitively say "no." And eventually, he relented and created an alt, but warned me that he probably won't give that new alt his essence.
When I suggested that Impy create a new alt for me in order for us to have privacy, he did so the very next day.
Wolfgang refuses to explicitly say that he loves me, not in any language. He said that he prefers to say "I like you," but he never said that to me either. He said that his actions should be enough. And yet, one of his former friends started harassing me because she mistook his actions as romantic, instead of platonic. He pointed out little clues in our RP, but am I supposed to accept his RP as real?
Impy is emotionally expressive. Not just in his actions, but in his words as well. I don't remember a day when he forgot to say he loves me, whether in English or in Spanish.
Wolfgang hates to talk by voice. Impy loves to listen to my voice.
Wolfgang never read a single blog post that I wrote. He picked up my book long ago, but he still hasn't read it. Impy inhaled my blogs and my book, because he was very curious about who I am.
Is it any wonder that my CLalt zoomed upwards?
Granted, I'm not Wolfgang's best lover either. He says I read things into what he says and I argue too much.
When he mentioned that all his other lovers were devoted to him alone and that I'm the only one with other lovers besides him, I took it as a complaint. When he talked about starting a diet to lose a few pounds, I took it as an insult about my RL weight. When he refused to arrange to have someone notify me if anything happened to him, he said that only his family and his RL friends would know when he passed on, and none of his SL friends would, ... well, what right did I have to assume I had at least some importance to him?
He enjoyed "sensuality" like dancing with me half-naked. When I told him that those things usually aroused me and that I was left frustrated, he indicated that I should be able to find someone to satisfy me, even though I insisted that sex without emotions was not as satisfying and it was always difficult to find a good partner. I started to tell him about an ex-lover who made a point of arousing me then logging off without satisfying me. That was when he said that he's not my other lovers. So I never got the chance to tell him that I broke off that relationship precisely because of that repeated sexual frustration.
I am not ignoring the wonderful things he does for me. I am not forgetting that he refuses to do something if it doesn't also give me pleasure, that he compliments the work I do, that he gives me his time even while he's working, that he hurries back from lunch because he knows I am waiting, that he has confided in me more than he has confided in most people.
And I cannot dismiss the fact that I love him. And he has, in fact, become a bit more expressive lately, more tender, more caring.
I still don't know what to do. If we leave things the way they are, we'll eventually break up and just be friends, which means I'll just ignore him.
Maybe this is just growing pains. But growing how? If I'm just another "SL friend," is it worth investing more time and effort in this relationship?
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Entrainment
The first time I heard the word "entrainment" was in a documentary, where they illustrated how people tend to walk in the same rhythm after a while.
It happens with me and some very close friends and, of course, with my sister. We'd be saying the same thing at the same time, several times in a sequence. Or, I would sense that a scheduled lunch would be delayed or postponed, because I'd have a hard time waking up that morning.
That seems to be happening more with me and Impy these days. The odd way that we met again was probably the first incidence. And very often since then, we would be in the same wavelength, typing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts.
And this past week, I've been having visions and "knowings" about him. No, I don't claim to be psychic. So, we would test my "predictions."
Then, yesterday, he sent me a very sweet email about what I mean to him. My heart melted, of course. Later, he explained that, while driving, he suddenly sensed a deep sadness and an urge to hold me in his arms, and that prompted him to send the email. When he got that feeling, I had already gone to bed. But he sensed my mood before I went to bed.
I've felt that sensitivity towards other lovers who have been very close to me. But it's very rare that a man would get that sense about me.
I'm still pragmatic, but, with Impy, I'm learning to expect the unexpected.
It happens with me and some very close friends and, of course, with my sister. We'd be saying the same thing at the same time, several times in a sequence. Or, I would sense that a scheduled lunch would be delayed or postponed, because I'd have a hard time waking up that morning.
That seems to be happening more with me and Impy these days. The odd way that we met again was probably the first incidence. And very often since then, we would be in the same wavelength, typing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts.
And this past week, I've been having visions and "knowings" about him. No, I don't claim to be psychic. So, we would test my "predictions."
Then, yesterday, he sent me a very sweet email about what I mean to him. My heart melted, of course. Later, he explained that, while driving, he suddenly sensed a deep sadness and an urge to hold me in his arms, and that prompted him to send the email. When he got that feeling, I had already gone to bed. But he sensed my mood before I went to bed.
I've felt that sensitivity towards other lovers who have been very close to me. But it's very rare that a man would get that sense about me.
I'm still pragmatic, but, with Impy, I'm learning to expect the unexpected.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Who knows if it's good or bad?
In the book, I retold the Buddhist koan about the farmer and his horse. No matter what happened to the farmer, he always said, "Who knows if it's good or bad?"
Impy and I had talked about how my other lovers would react if they learned that I was about to be partnered. He said that if I continued to see them for the same amount of time as I usually did, they didn't have reason to be jealous. But I knew it was more than that. Because *I* would change.
Last night, I asked Wolfgang for a timeout. We've been arguing again. Two days in a row. And that's only because we didn't meet on Wednesday; otherwise, it would have been more days in a row. He says I take what he says the wrong way and that's why we have all these arguments. He admits he also needs to choose to interpret my words the right way.
I asked him how he felt about the timeout. He said he'd better not say. He felt that his opinion didn't matter in this case, because "you have some need. i can't argue with a need."
But in the end, he admitted that he is angry. It may seem like a strange reaction, but he once said that anger is all he knows. He tucks away all other emotions into "boxes" and stores them away. I said, all those emotions he was tucking away into boxes were actually seeping out as anger. So they're not as "secure" in boxes as he claims they are.
I asked if it would be better if we shortened the time to one week. He said that if I needed three weeks, it would be three weeks.
I had been thinking of doing this a long time ago. But I was worried that, if we did take time away from each other, we would not get back together again. He said, "I don't know," which usually meant he doesn't want to speculate about the subject. But it also meant that he thinks there's a chance we would still get back together.
I had to ask him to hide his status from me so my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I see him log in. He said I would have to defriend him, because he refuses to hide. And that almost started another argument.
I know I hurt him by asking for those two weeks. I am very aware that he tries hard to make "us" work. And it is hard work. He and I are not as easily compatible as Impy and I are. But I love him dearly regardless. And I'm realizing that he probably loves me too, even if he refuses to say it.
I don't know if I can stay away for two weeks. But we have to figure out why the arguments start. It's probably my fault. I find insults where there are none. I find disagreements where it's just a difference in how we express things. But if these things happen, that means there's something going on in my subconscious. And I need time away to examine whatever that is.
I'm almost sure it has something to do with the bar that Impy raised. But, really, there shouldn't be a bar at all....
Impy and I had talked about how my other lovers would react if they learned that I was about to be partnered. He said that if I continued to see them for the same amount of time as I usually did, they didn't have reason to be jealous. But I knew it was more than that. Because *I* would change.
[2012/06/26 18:37:12]
Impy#2: better with Wolfgang?
Alt#24: Yes, we had a very long conversation last night.
Alt#24: I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Alt#24: I think my relationship with him is changing.
Alt#24: Maybe affected by you.
Impy#2: ok, i'm very very glad to hear it, (to hear you are ok with him)
Impy#2: yes? by me????
Alt#24: Long story.
Alt#24: And you have to sleep!
Alt#24: tomorrow
Impy#2: :D damm!!!!
Alt#24: LOL
Alt#24: Okay, quick answer....
Alt#24: You raised the bar.
Impy#2: :)
Alt#24: Because of you, I expect more from lovers now.
Last night, I asked Wolfgang for a timeout. We've been arguing again. Two days in a row. And that's only because we didn't meet on Wednesday; otherwise, it would have been more days in a row. He says I take what he says the wrong way and that's why we have all these arguments. He admits he also needs to choose to interpret my words the right way.
[2012/07/13 06:20:38]We've kinda started using those phrases - "as you wish" to mean we don't like it but we are agreeing anyway, "if you say so" to mean we don't think the same way but we are avoiding an argument. I started using them and he followed suit. And those phrases have been appearing more and more in our conversations. From both sides.
Alt#27: Something else is wrong, I think.... That's just a symptom.
Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: tell me
Alt#27: I would if I knew what it was.
Wolfgang#3: ok
Wolfgang#3: so what do we do?
Alt#27: How do you feel about being apart for two weeks?
Wolfgang#3: as you wish
I asked him how he felt about the timeout. He said he'd better not say. He felt that his opinion didn't matter in this case, because "you have some need. i can't argue with a need."
But in the end, he admitted that he is angry. It may seem like a strange reaction, but he once said that anger is all he knows. He tucks away all other emotions into "boxes" and stores them away. I said, all those emotions he was tucking away into boxes were actually seeping out as anger. So they're not as "secure" in boxes as he claims they are.
I asked if it would be better if we shortened the time to one week. He said that if I needed three weeks, it would be three weeks.
I had been thinking of doing this a long time ago. But I was worried that, if we did take time away from each other, we would not get back together again. He said, "I don't know," which usually meant he doesn't want to speculate about the subject. But it also meant that he thinks there's a chance we would still get back together.
I had to ask him to hide his status from me so my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I see him log in. He said I would have to defriend him, because he refuses to hide. And that almost started another argument.
I know I hurt him by asking for those two weeks. I am very aware that he tries hard to make "us" work. And it is hard work. He and I are not as easily compatible as Impy and I are. But I love him dearly regardless. And I'm realizing that he probably loves me too, even if he refuses to say it.
I don't know if I can stay away for two weeks. But we have to figure out why the arguments start. It's probably my fault. I find insults where there are none. I find disagreements where it's just a difference in how we express things. But if these things happen, that means there's something going on in my subconscious. And I need time away to examine whatever that is.
I'm almost sure it has something to do with the bar that Impy raised. But, really, there shouldn't be a bar at all....
Friday, June 29, 2012
Lo imposible es maravilloso
[2012/06/28 18:02:19] Impy: i dont know how express it on english...but
[2012/06/28 18:02:53] Impy: Estoy muy emocionado, y has conseguido que el corazón se me encoja en un puño y se me rayen los ojos....
[2012/06/28 18:03:03] Impy: te quiero
He said those words after he watched the machinima I created for today. The machinima I had been working on since we decided to do this ritual. The machinima with our pictures together since the day he first met Alt#24, taken by him and by me. The machinima with the first words we exchanged with each other almost six months ago. The machinima where I sang a love song just for him. A love song that I had to record at least twenty times in a span of two weeks, because my voice kept cracking as my own emotions overwhelmed me.
We had just said our vows.
Side by side
When I created the "Heart Gravel" exhibit for the SL9B celebration, there were two sets of hearts with 50 hearts each where people could leave a love note. I added a dedication, listing most of my lovers, on the root prim of the set of falling hearts. The other set was a pile of hearts already on the palms of the open hands below.
I also added two extra hearts that were not linked to those sets. The one I wrote for Impy started with "Mi amor: Muchas veces, derrites mi corazon. ..." After he saw that, he added his own message in the pile of hearts and, by chance, it ended up on the heart right next to mine.
Going public
We spent a couple of hours exploring part of SL9B. Well, actually, it was less than that because I was crashing most of the time.
But over the weekend, I saw an announcement for a Spanish class, so I listened to the stream while I waited for him to arrive. When he arrived, we decided to go to the site on SL9B and we stood a little bit away from the class while we listened.
At the end of the class, the teacher said hello to us and started chatting with us. Mostly in Spanish. Impy admitted to the teacher that he is a native speaker and he was just there to accompany me and that I was learning Spanish. Afterwards, the teacher friended us both.
A while ago, he mentioned a wish that we would go out as a couple and have friends as a couple and all that. I resisted because these alts were supposed to be private, so we would have quiet time together. To have friends meant that people would intrude on our quiet time. And besides, being active publicly would increase the risk that we would meet someone who had met my other alts and, therefore, because of my "rule," I would have to admit that they know me.
But after the conversation with the teacher, I understood what he meant. There's that special feeling that comes with being seen and being known as a couple.
Making plans
I rarely wore white. I kinda avoided it. It was too "bridal" for me. But when he and I starting being a couple, I found myself wearing white dresses. Well, they were common among summer freebies. And somehow, it felt right to wear them.
I also noticed that, with Alt#24, I tended to wear these elegant knee-length dresses. When he first met Alt#24, he asked how I would describe her and I chose the word "regal" and he agreed. Switching her from medieval to modern was a bit difficult without duplicating the styles of my other alts. Then somehow, she ended up with elegant knee-length dresses.
Once, I brought it up in conversation, wondering if he wanted me to dress her a bit more seductively, because she was beginning to look more wife-y.
[2012/05/31 17:01:07]
Alt#24: I have a question for you, actually.
Impy#2: shoot!
Alt#24: Somehow, [Alt#24] feels more ... cultured.
Alt#24: Less slutty than most of my alts.
Alt#24: Even Opal.
Impy#2: :) that's good
Alt#24: ok
Alt#24: Because I worry that you want more sexyness like [Alt#6].
Alt#24: But with [Alt#24], I feel more like a wife than a mistress.
Impy#2: you got the point perfectly... and i LOVE that feelingThe man says all the right things!
[2012/05/31 17:09:28]
Impy#2: .... i love that point of 'no slutty' from [Alt#24]
Alt#24: /me smiles.... ok
Impy#2: but!!! remember the proverb!
Alt#24: A lady in public and a whore in bed?
Impy#2: lol
Impy#2: that's it!
For our ritual, he was visualizing a beach setting. He had seen a white summer dress, but I thought it wasn't well-made so I said I'd just make one myself.
Around that time, I took him to the Hollywood sim and it occurred to me that we could do our ritual on a boat. And there were reasons why:
Most sims in SL disappear after a while and, when there are strong emotions associated with a place, the disappearance of the place is very disturbing. If we did our ritual on a boat, it didn't depend where we were. We could have our boat in any water in SL. And we both could have a copy of the boat so that, when I missed him, I could just rez one.
But as we talked about other things that we needed, it felt like we were making compromises. He had found a speedboat that he liked. That meant I would have to wear something like a white bikini to go with the theme. He said he just wanted me to wear "something vaporous" and he would wear something casual in white. Then I realized that we couldn't even kiss because, if both of us stood up, the boat would go back to his inventory.
Then a couple of days ago, he took me to an island to see a castle. When I saw it, I knew I had seen it once before, but I don't know when or which alts. However, he was almost certain he had not shown it to me before, and he said, "this is one of my...'secret' places."
[2012/06/26 18:14:59](Did I mention the man always says the right things?)
Alt#24: I think you have taken me here before, my love.
Impy#2: really? if it's so, it's because you were special from the very beginning..:D i never took anybody here
 |
| The castle |
So, as he often does, he let me have my way. (You see why I love the man dearly?) And we decided that we would explore that sim and the surrounding sims for our "honeymoon" instead.
Well, after a short attempt, I decided that two days was not enough to create a special outfit from scratch. Then I remembered a time when he showed me a blog with a picture of a woman wearing silks. He didn't know what silks signified or who wore them. All he knew was that they looked very beautiful.
So I did a search in the Marketplace for "silks" and found an outfit that I once wanted to get for another alt. And it was perfect for another reason. Impy and I once talked about a roleplay alt whose name was based on a Greek myth; that's when I learned he had an interest in ancient Greek mythology as well. And he had loved the toga I wore for my 5th rez day anniversary pictures.
This one had the beautiful folds like the toga. It looks very medieval and beautifully so. It was a silk but it had additional attachments to cover the legs more so it looks more lady-like while remaining sexy. It was beautifully sculpted. And absolutely romantic.
Of course, I didn't show it to him but I mentioned that it wouldn't match the speedboat theme. So I had to search for something he could wear that would match my outfit. And we found the perfect medieval suit in all white. So we gave up the speedboat idea (we'd still use it for our honeymoon explorations) and decided to do the ritual in the castle anyway. :D
Somehow, with him, things just fall into place. Damn the crazy odds.
 |
| The dress from Caverna Obscura. Taken while waiting for him to log back in, so I was able to play with windlight and shadows. Now in Flickr. |
 |
| The groom pacing at the entrance of the castle. :D By the time I tp'd over (and crashed, of course), I had already turned down my settings because I was also filming machinima. |
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| The kiss, taken after the vows and after the song and and after the exchange of rings that we made ourselves for each other and while he was busy with the SL partnership proposal. |
He's right.... The impossible *is* wonderful.
*sighs happily*
Thursday, June 07, 2012
It's the natural way
"thinking that i have to fix my profile... so probably soon you will receive a partnership proposal :D"! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Actually, my first reaction was "omg."
He just laughed and asked rhetorically, "why? [Isn't] that what we are? partners?"
Well, he's right... we are. I already took his last name in my display name. We already set up a place of our own. Our alts are exclusive to each other. The longer we are together, the deeper the emotions go.
But he thinks that it's just a matter of announcing to the world that we're partners.
That's true, but a formal partnership means much more for me. I explained that I considered partnership as something equivalent to being engaged irl, but that I made an exception with alts, particularly alts that were dedicated to a lover. So that original "meaning" now only applies to Opal.
At the same time, I've been partnered only once, and it was only symbolic because we put those alts to sleep immediately after. So, in practice, I never experienced being partnered, except for that one night last February when mfpwtff and I woke up those alts for a dance to celebrate our third anniversary.
If Impy and I would partner our alts, it would be his first ever partnership and my first partnership that is "living", as opposed to sleeping.
Impy#2: lol, ok, understand perfect now. so i will not offer you partnership till we make an small ritual, like go into the black sea naked and exchange flowers between us.... something like that, symbolic
Alt#24: lmao
Impy#2: XDDD
Alt#24: So we'll have to find a black sea in SL....?
Impy#2: lol, or something similar... but crazy, different and funny! an act to join [Impy#2] and [Alt#24]
We won't do it yet, because Venus is retrograde, and I'm superstitious that way. And we can't invite our friends, unfortunately, because these are our private alts, so the ritual will only be with the two of us.
And, of course, I would have doubts....
Alt#24: You didn't say it because you think it's what I wanted, did you?
Impy#2: nooo, i just said it because i think it's the natural way between [Impy#2] and [Alt#24].
There we go.... It's the natural way. :D
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