Birthday doppelganger

"Aha !" was how he titled his email.

Your bday gift is got !

You'll have to tell me when you'll wish to receive it ;)

 And I initially thought, Hmmm, he bought another sex furniture?!

At the designated time on Oct 1, my birthday gift said hello.

I knew she was my gift because her username was very close to my real name. And that felt weird.

Flashback to the Captain

Many years ago, I was going to create an alt for the Captain to use in a BDSM roleplay with him. He said that doms typically named their subs. And when I asked him what he wanted me to name my new alt, he said my real name. I declined. I reasoned that it could make me lose my anonymity. He eventually gave me a different name but still related to my real name.

So, when I realized that Wolfgang named my gift after me, I had mixed emotions. But there's more....

(By the way, during the first week of October, the Captain logged in after a long absence. And so did Rocky, also after a very long absence. I wondered if long lost lovers returning to SL was going to be a trend, but it was just the two of them.  :)  )

Mini-me

When my gift teleported to where we were (we = one of our paired alts), I saw an avie who was dark-skinned and short. And I wondered,

Is this his interpretation of what I look like irl?

Why is he trying to recreate my RL self in SL?

What does it mean?

Her face is his style, however. Big eyes. Full lips.

We chose to give her a different display name, so I don't feel too uncomfortable referring to someone else with my almost-RL-name.

But he still felt I was distant from her.

Voluntary alt births

He used to be very resistant to creating private alts. I won't go through his reasons here. But last August, he created one without any prompting from me. That alt would be exclusive to me, to our group. And he created her to be a companion to one of my unpaired alts in our group.

I was very honored by that gift, but I considered the core (and most important aspect) of the gift to be the gesture, not the alt.

However, because we didn't discuss the creation of his new alt, I felt as though he was trying to curtail the freedom of my alt that he created that alt for. He assured me he wasn't, but he just wanted my alt to be more included in our "family."

I had always said that the pairs we have are like the big bolts that hold our relationship together. On the other hand, he prefers to mix up our alts in different ways to avoid too much familiarity (which breeds contempt) and for more sexiness.

So pinning down my free alt was probably one way for him to solidify our relationship. So I didn't mind so much that my alt's freedom feels curtailed. I see only him mostly anyway, so I didn't really need that freedom, but it's just the principle of it, the feeling of being free.

The creation of my birthday gift was a logical thing for him to do. He was trying to pin down another of my free alts, who was the third wheel in one of the pairs. But he had another motive.... He also wanted a different kind of sexual relationship that I wasn't comfortable with.

The past few days, we discussed the birthday gift's role in our family. We had to redefine who she and her partner should be to make things more comfortable for me. We finally settled on it today.

Wolf love

He is changing. Our relationship is changing. But the more I learn about him, the more I admire him and adore him.

Maybe he is this way only with me. He did say that he does certain things only for me. And, in addition, he listens to me more and he pays attention. And he tries to do things to please me.

He never said he loved me. But, if this isn't love, what is?

Tying a posthumous knot

My fifth partnership in all of SL. My third with Wolfgang. Another tie that binds me to him. Another knot.

We decided to do it today, which is exactly five years after I surrendered to him in our first RP. The surrender that felt like a wedding.

We also decided to do it all without logging the pair into SL. It was all done on the website. Our relationship still has landmines, and this pair is one of those landmines. Too risky. Too emotional. And he is fighting to keep us together by avoiding those landmines.

We were logged into our current pair, which was the first pair we partnered. And we went to the "grave site" of the pair we partnered today to do the partnership there. It felt like a wake, like a ceremony for the dead. It was bittersweet. I cried.

Then I thought to bring Alt #6 to "visit" us again. I saw his strong affection for her, his sadness for losing her, how he missed her. At moments like that, he reminds me of my father.

But he was soothed with her presence. Well, more aroused than soothed. Just by her presence, he said. Like Pavlov's dogs, I said. He laughed.

Needless to say, I was late for work. :)

At this date of valentine

[2017/02/14 06:22]  

Wolfgang#7: I had a litte thought

Alt#35: yes?

Wolfgang#7: I know it is precipited and maybe little sily, and i m not very much in symbols

Wolfgang#7: and i don't know if you ll wish

Wolfgang#7: but in case you d wish, and thought it was nice to do, although the complication when we don't use the couple

Wolfgang#7: we could partner them at this date of valentine

Alt#35: :D

Alt#35: I wish! And I accept!

We were talking about his two alts whom I rejected, because they've been with his other lovers. I deemed them "unpure". Then we talked about my other alts.

He wanted to wake up Alt#27 but he didn't want to wake up his alt that was paired with her. That particular alt of his is male, and he didn't want to do MF. Instead, he wanted to created a new (female) alt to be with #27. I declined. #27 belongs with that specific alt, and I couldn't see her waking up while her lover remains hibernating. So, instead, I introduced him to #35.

He had mixed feelings.

A screenshot of my horoscope for today.
 © AstrologyZone Susan Miller

Almost three years ago, I was deeply hurt because he showed favoritism to one of his other lovers. Just as I personified Death, I personified my pain, my jealousy, my anger. Alt#35 was born. She roamed for a while, then I finally decided to stop hurting myself with my own anger. So I put her to sleep, with no one knowing about her at all.

When he met her, Wolfgang said that, in a sense, she was our daughter, taking a hint from something I wrote in her profile. Plus, I explained that her name came from a poem that he wrote for me. He was very glad to meet her; however, the reason for her existence bothered him.

I was surprised when he created his own alt to be with and to be like Alt#35. They would be another pair that are exclusive only to us, to our "inner circle". Pure.

Today was the first day those alts "met" and spent time together. About fifteen minutes before I had to leave to get ready for work, he had a little thought. So, we quickly wrestled with the partnering process.

By the time I hopped in the shower, they had each other's names in their profiles. My fourth SL partnership; two with him.

I also agreed to go back and partner Alt#27 with her lover, a partnership that I declined angrily in the past. But we would do that next month on the fifth anniversary of our very first meeting in 2012, so it would be a significant day for us. Then, I would have a total of five partnerships, three with him.

Too little, too late

Nesting

I had been feeling very disillusioned with SL the past year or so. It was like the Utopia that we had been trying to build had finally lost its wonder. It feels just like another RL now. And my soul is rebelling.

When I reread some chat logs that weren't lost to nothingness when my hard drive crashed, I started to feel emotions again. I started to sense that wonder again. Not as much as it used to be, but at least the fog is starting to clear.

I'm getting tired of empty platforms in the sky that were built for work.

I'm getting tired of the same venues that I visit for dances.

I'm getting tired of doing the same things over and over again.

I missed creating. I missed building my own space. Not one for my store, but one for me.

The last time I remember building a space for myself was during my first week in SL when I bought my first parcel. After that, I built spaces to share with partners. And the only spaces I built for myself were empty bland white platforms for working in.

So I started leasing a parcel. Just for me.

Paradise Lost

I looked at several configurations of parcels. I saw sims divided into squares, sims cut up like a pizza pie, sims with round islands. I ended up with a rectangle. Unfortunately, it reminded me of the last parcel I decorated for my pairs with Wolfgang. A month before we broke up.

I made that parcel with a beach, waterfalls, trees. I created it very quickly. I was very inspired.

And I missed that old parcel, even though we had it for only a month.

Maybe that's why I was attracted to this new parcel. Because it's just like the old one.

When the past knocks

I remembered Wolfgang's birthday. Before that, I remembered his alt's rez day, the anniversary of the day I met him. Both times, I remained silent.

He hated being reminded of his birthday, and he's always in a bad mood. But the previous year, he felt bad when his friends didn't remember. I wasn't going to be one of those who'd greet him this year, I thought.

Besides, I felt raw and vulnerable with everything else going on. Why open that door again?

But, a couple of days later, I woke up and found offline messages in my emails. "Hello Opal," he IM'd. "I hope you are fine."

Well, after reading that, not anymore!!!

I was crying as I prepared for work. All the pain came back. All the self-pity. All the anger.

My whole day was a blur. His words intruded my thoughts. What did he want?

I responded when I got home. I thought he would be in bed already, but he logged in and responded.

It was a strange conversation that went around in circles. Like our old conversations. I kept asking, "What do you want?" but he kept beating around that.

Finally, he explained that he was feeling grumpy (as usual) on his birthday, and he thought of searching for news about me. He wondered if I left SL. So he perved the profiles of my alts that he knows about, including the sleeping ones that were exclusive to him. Then when he read Alt#27's profile, he felt sad.

It took me a long time to convince him to create an alt for her to get privacy away from his other lovers. But he still refused to partner them. When we put them to sleep, he still refused to partner them. But now he wants to "repair that unfairness" and partner them.

WTF?

I ran away from very harsh words that broke my heart more than anyone ever had in SL. Why would I want another connection with him?

Besides, they're dead! They have been for a year. What's the point?

Why raise up the ghosts that would bring nothing but pain?

If he wanted to repair any unfairness, why only that? He had been unfair to me by several magnitudes more, and it would take a lifetime for him to resolve that imbalance. He is offering me nothing but a morsel, and it is a bitter morsel.

Still, I was touched that he held on to something before that painful fight. I told him I needed at least a year to recover, then I could be a friend to him again. And he noted the date. Meanwhile, after that last argument, I wrote him off, entirely out of my life.

So I befriended him again. And I hugged him while we talked about his partnership proposal and almost argued again about old issues.

But he couldn't give me a good reason for the delayed partnership. It would mean nothing to me now. And logging Alt#27 back in could open the emotional floodgates even more. It's even more dangerous now that I'm feeling raw and vulnerable.

He kept trying to convince me until I finally asked him, "How important is this to you?"

He paused.

Then he said, it's a tricky question. Because, if he said it was very important to him, I'd do it just for him and that creates a greater imbalance.

*sigh*  I have a feeling this topic would come up again.

7 days

It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.

"you are mine"

Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.

When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".

The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"

As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".

At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.

"i prefer he is your lover than another"

Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.

And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.

I hardly see Rapido anymore.

At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.

Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".

I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."

He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."

His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".

He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".

a birthday gift

The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.

After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.

A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.

I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.

Well, needless to say, we argued again.

This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.

I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.

I told him I'd decide the next day.

I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.

I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above

He replied with "Yes I wish".

In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.

During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....

tracker redux

"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."

I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.

It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.

But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.

So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.

So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.

packing the past

Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.

But the countdown had ended.

So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.

I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.

He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.

He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.

Lo imposible es maravilloso

[2012/06/28 18:02:19]  Impy: i dont know how express it on english...but
[2012/06/28 18:02:53]  Impy: Estoy muy emocionado, y has conseguido que el corazón se me encoja en un puño y se me rayen los ojos....
[2012/06/28 18:03:03]  Impy: te quiero

He said those words after he watched the machinima I created for today.  The machinima I had been working on since we decided to do this ritual.  The machinima with our pictures together since the day he first met Alt#24, taken by him and by me.  The machinima with the first words we exchanged with each other almost six months ago.  The machinima where I sang a love song just for him.  A love song that I had to record at least twenty times in a span of two weeks, because my voice kept cracking as my own emotions overwhelmed me.

We had just said our vows.



Side by side

When I created the "Heart Gravel" exhibit for the SL9B celebration, there were two sets of hearts with 50 hearts each where people could leave a love note.  I added a dedication, listing most of my lovers, on the root prim of the set of falling hearts.  The other set was a pile of hearts already on the palms of the open hands below.

I also added two extra hearts that were not linked to those sets.  The one I wrote for Impy started with "Mi amor:  Muchas veces, derrites mi corazon. ..." After he saw that, he added his own message in the pile of hearts and, by chance, it ended up on the heart right next to mine.

Going public

We spent a couple of hours exploring part of SL9B.  Well, actually, it was less than that because I was crashing most of the time.

But over the weekend, I saw an announcement for a Spanish class, so I listened to the stream while I waited for him to arrive.  When he arrived, we decided to go to the site on SL9B and we stood a little bit away from the class while we listened.

At the end of the class, the teacher said hello to us and started chatting with us.  Mostly in Spanish.  Impy admitted to the teacher that he is a native speaker and he was just there to accompany me and that I was learning Spanish.  Afterwards, the teacher friended us both.

A while ago, he mentioned a wish that we would go out as a couple and have friends as a couple and all that.  I resisted because these alts were supposed to be private, so we would have quiet time together.  To have friends meant that people would intrude on our quiet time.  And besides, being active publicly would increase the risk that we would meet someone who had met my other alts and, therefore, because of my "rule," I would have to admit that they know me.

But after the conversation with the teacher, I understood what he meant.  There's that special feeling that comes with being seen and being known as a couple.



Making plans

I rarely wore white.  I kinda avoided it.  It was too "bridal" for me.  But when he and I starting being a couple, I found myself wearing white dresses.  Well, they were common among summer freebies.  And somehow, it felt right to wear them.

I also noticed that, with Alt#24, I tended to wear these elegant knee-length dresses.  When he first met Alt#24, he asked how I would describe her and I chose the word "regal" and he agreed.  Switching her from medieval to modern was a bit difficult without duplicating the styles of my other alts.  Then somehow, she ended up with elegant knee-length dresses.

Once, I brought it up in conversation, wondering if he wanted me to dress her a bit more seductively, because she was beginning to look more wife-y.

[2012/05/31 17:01:07] 


Alt#24: I have a question for you, actually.

Impy#2: shoot!

Alt#24: Somehow, [Alt#24] feels more ... cultured.
Alt#24: Less slutty than most of my alts.
Alt#24: Even Opal.

Impy#2: :) that's good

Alt#24: ok
Alt#24: Because I worry that you want more sexyness like [Alt#6].
Alt#24: But with [Alt#24], I feel more like a wife than a mistress.

Impy#2: you got the point perfectly... and i LOVE that feeling

The man says all the right things!

[2012/05/31 17:09:28]

Impy#2: .... i love that point of 'no slutty' from [Alt#24]

Alt#24: /me smiles.... ok

Impy#2: but!!!  remember the proverb!

Alt#24: A lady in public and a whore in bed?

Impy#2: lol
Impy#2: that's it!

For our ritual, he was visualizing a beach setting.  He had seen a white summer dress, but I thought it wasn't well-made so I said I'd just make one myself.

Around that time, I took him to the Hollywood sim and it occurred to me that we could do our ritual on a boat.  And there were reasons why:


Most sims in SL disappear after a while and, when there are strong emotions associated with a place, the disappearance of the place is very disturbing.  If we did our ritual on a boat, it didn't depend where we were.  We could have our boat in any water in SL.  And we both could have a copy of the boat so that, when I missed him, I could just rez one.



But as we talked about other things that we needed, it felt like we were making compromises.  He had found a speedboat that he liked.  That meant I would have to wear something like a white bikini to go with the theme.  He said he just wanted me to wear "something vaporous" and he would wear something casual in white.  Then I realized that we couldn't even kiss because, if both of us stood up, the boat would go back to his inventory.


Then a couple of days ago, he took me to an island to see a castle.  When I saw it, I knew I had seen it once before, but I don't know when or which alts.  However, he was almost certain he had not shown it to me before, and he said, "this is one of my...'secret' places."

[2012/06/26 18:14:59]

Alt#24: I think you have taken me here before, my love.

Impy#2: really?  if it's so, it's because you were special from the very beginning..:D  i never took anybody here

(Did I mention the man always says the right things?)

The castle

Anyway, he seemed to really want to do our ritual there.  I explained why I preferred the boat; I explained the transience of places in SL; I explained how my sentimentality for significant places cause great pain when those places are gone.  And he understood because he reads my blog religiously.  And he read my book.

So, as he often does, he let me have my way.  (You see why I love the man dearly?)  And we decided that we would explore that sim and the surrounding sims for our "honeymoon" instead.



Well, after a short attempt, I decided that two days was not enough to create a special outfit from scratch.  Then I remembered a time when he showed me a blog with a picture of a woman wearing silks.  He didn't know what silks signified or who wore them.  All he knew was that they looked very beautiful.

So I did a search in the Marketplace for "silks" and found an outfit that I once wanted to get for another alt.  And it was perfect for another reason.  Impy and I once talked about a roleplay alt whose name was based on a Greek myth; that's when I learned he had an interest in ancient Greek mythology as well.  And he had loved the toga I wore for my 5th rez day anniversary pictures.

This one had the beautiful folds like the toga.  It looks very medieval and beautifully so.  It was a silk but it had additional attachments to cover the legs more so it looks more lady-like while remaining sexy.  It was beautifully sculpted.  And absolutely romantic.

Of course, I didn't show it to him but I mentioned that it wouldn't match the speedboat theme.  So I had to search for something he could wear that would match my outfit.  And we found the perfect medieval suit in all white.  So we gave up the speedboat idea (we'd still use it for our honeymoon explorations) and decided to do the ritual in the castle anyway.  :D

Somehow, with him, things just fall into place.  Damn the crazy odds.

The dress from Caverna Obscura.  Taken while waiting for him to log back in, so I was able to play with windlight and shadows.  Now in Flickr.

The groom pacing at the entrance of the castle.  :D  By the time I tp'd over (and crashed, of course), I had already turned down my settings because I was also filming machinima.

The kiss, taken after the vows and after the song and and after the exchange of rings that we made ourselves for each other and while he was busy with the SL partnership proposal.

He's right....  The impossible *is* wonderful.

*sighs happily*

It's the natural way

"thinking that i have to fix my profile... so probably soon you will receive a partnership proposal :D"

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Actually, my first reaction was "omg."

He just laughed and asked rhetorically, "why? [Isn't] that what we are? partners?"

Well, he's right... we are. I already took his last name in my display name. We already set up a place of our own. Our alts are exclusive to each other. The longer we are together, the deeper the emotions go.

But he thinks that it's just a matter of announcing to the world that we're partners.

That's true, but a formal partnership means much more for me. I explained that I considered partnership as something equivalent to being engaged irl, but that I made an exception with alts, particularly alts that were dedicated to a lover. So that original "meaning" now only applies to Opal.

At the same time, I've been partnered only once, and it was only symbolic because we put those alts to sleep immediately after. So, in practice, I never experienced being partnered, except for that one night last February when mfpwtff and I woke up those alts for a dance to celebrate our third anniversary.

If Impy and I would partner our alts, it would be his first ever partnership and my first partnership that is "living", as opposed to sleeping.

Impy#2: lol, ok, understand perfect now. so i will not offer you partnership till we make an small ritual, like go into the black sea naked and exchange flowers between us.... something like that, symbolic
Alt#24: lmao
Impy#2: XDDD
Alt#24: So we'll have to find a black sea in SL....?
Impy#2: lol, or something similar... but crazy, different and funny! an act to join [Impy#2] and [Alt#24]

We won't do it yet, because Venus is retrograde, and I'm superstitious that way. And we can't invite our friends, unfortunately, because these are our private alts, so the ritual will only be with the two of us.

And, of course, I would have doubts....

Alt#24: You didn't say it because you think it's what I wanted, did you?
Impy#2: nooo, i just said it because i think it's the natural way between [Impy#2] and [Alt#24].

There we go.... It's the natural way. :D

Disaster averted

It's over. As quickly as it started, it's over.

Day before yesterday, something happened that made me worried sick about him, and no message from him at all for 24 hours. When we finally met, I gave him my phone number to call in case of an emergency.

He refused to give me his. That raised a red flag.

When I confronted him about it, he tried to turn the tables around. I was asking legitimate questions; he was avoiding answering them.

I commented that Googling for his real name only returns one item -- the Twitter account he created for me. His reply: "I'm slightly startled by this new side of you."

I reminded him that I revealed more about myself than he did about himself. His reply: "Now i'm intrigued, maybe i should learn more about you"

He asked if he needs to be a public person like me. I said no, but if he had to hide from me, if he didn't trust me enough, why did he ask me to marry him?

I accused him of playing me.

He accused me of not being into "this" at all.

I said, "There is no "this", is there?"

I told him that I wanted the truth. And I reminded him that he promised me brutal honesty.

He stood there for eight minutes without a word. Then he logged off.

He replied to my tweet about allowing myself to be gullible and said that I'm a victim of my own imagination. When I logged into SL, he still would not explain and started the argument again. He said that, if I was hoping for an amiable parting, I wasn't going to get it from him. He dissolved the friendship, and that was that.


I respect people's privacy. I respect people's need to be anonymous. I don't mind if people hide their information from me, but I won't tolerate lies and I won't risk my personal safety.

Everyday, people all over the world exchange contact information all the time. Phone numbers, email addresses, postal addresses. We give this information to strangers all the time. I would have been fine if he never gave me any personal information, except he wanted me to marry him in real life! And we were talking about him spending a month with me so we could be sure it was what we both wanted. That meant, I was inviting a stranger into my home. *That* is risking my personal safety. Yet, he could not give me something as benign as his phone number. Any normal person would seriously wonder why not. *I* panicked.

Rocky is the only current lover whose real-life identity I do not know, and I inadvertently found out why. But he had given me enough information about himself for me to comfortably risk meeting him in a public place someday. Besides I had witnessed how he behaves; I even teased him by calling him Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. And, ... he didn't ask me to marry him.


6969 said "no secrets". When he said that, I gave him the names of all my alts; not even my RL sister knows all those names. And I gave him the website with all the links to all my online presences and personas, both virtual and real. Full disclosure. Now, I realize that, when he said "no secrets," he really meant I wasn't allowed to hide secrets from him, but he's allowed to hide his basic information from me. [sarcasm]Silly me. How could I have missed that?[/sarcasm]

The last thing he said today was "thank god this didnt go any further." I agree. Disaster averted.

Choices

For someone who is not religious, I have a lot of beliefs, most of which are not particularly mainstream either.

And two of them come into play these days....

1.
Many years ago, my youngest sister recommended the book "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. I don't remember why she did. It was the only new age book she ever recommended to me.

The theory of the book is that our souls belong to soul groups or soul families that keep reincarnating together. (Of course, this assumes that one believes in souls and reincarnation.) The roles and gender may change, but the connection remains. Before we come back to earth for a new life, we make mutual contracts with other souls in our soul group to help us learn whatever lesson we choose to learn in that lifetime. And there would be something, maybe even seemingly innocuous, that would help our soul recognize that other soul. When the contract is fulfilled, we then part ways until the next lifetime.

If that theory is true, I've come up with a corollary to it.

I believe that, when we are attracted to someone, it's because our soul is recognizing one of those souls that we have a contract with. And when we fall in love, we aren't falling in love with that person for the first time. We have loved them from eternity, and we will continue to love them till eternity. Falling in love is just a remembering of that eternal love.


2.
I also believe in synchronicity, in fate, in predetermination. We *perceive* free will only at a certain level. It's just like how we perceive solids to be impenetrable, when we know that there are huge spaces between the atomic particles. Or just like how we perceive our individuality, our separation from each other. I would even argue that the choices we think we're making in the name of free will is predetermined. It's just another effect after a long string of causes. Or maybe a web of causes.

Some of those causes may be psychological because of some past experience; some may be contextual because of the current situation. Sometimes, we might not even be aware of what those causes are. But, ultimately, fate narrows our choices to one, long before we have to make the decision.


Many people could not grasp the idea that I could honestly and deeply love more than one man at a time. Actually, it was a man who questioned it. The idea of monogamy -- or, more specifically, serial monogamy -- has been so ingrained in our culture. People understand having multiple sexual partners, but they cannot understand multiple romantic relationships.

How can you love just one child if you have several, I asked him. He said, this was different; this was a romantic relationship.

But, in some cases, it isn't just a romantic relationship. Or a romantic-and-sexual relationship. In some cases, it's a spiritual relationship, manifesting as a romantic relationship in this lifetime and expressed as a sexual relationship.

And I don't love them as a group, as a celebrity would love their fans as a group. I deeply love each of them individually and differently. Because each of them is different. And the dynamic of each relationship is different.

Loving one child does not diminish our love for another child. Love for one parent does not diminish our love for another parent. Love for one sibling does not diminish our love for another sibling. Love for one friend does not diminish our love for another friend.

Love as an emotion is not a zero-sum game. However, a lifetime is. And so we prioritize and make choices. And the mores of this society demand that we commit to only one mate at a time.


Most of my lovers are married in real life. There was no way the relationship was going outside of Second Life, although I tried once. One unmarried lover admitted he didn't really love the real me.

So I was left with one choice. We had so much synchronicity in our real lives that I thought he would be it. There were so many near-misses -- opportunities where we could have met, but we didn't. And synchronously, we met after his divorce, when we were both free. But his work took him away so often that I rarely heard from him. But the times when I did were so sweet.

The door was only slightly ajar, just enough for me to peek in, but not enough to let me through, though I've tried to push my way in. I had hoped that one day synchronicity would fully open it for me. After all, synchronicity brought us this far, so I figured it was just a matter of time.

Then I met 6969, and another door opened. And it opened wide. The intensity of his emotions created a vortex that was very hard to resist. Even with all my BUT's. It wasn't the future I imagined I would have. After all, I had given up the dreams of my youth. But there it was. He had answers to all my objections.

Fate narrows our choices to one.


But I am also aware that fate is fickle.


6969 wants forever. From this earthly perspective, there is no forever. But, from a higher perspective, he already has that. From a higher perspective, I love him from eternity until eternity.

The good news is that, from this earthly perspective, there is exclusivity and I give him that. From a higher perspective, there is none. I have met many soulmates in this lifetime before I met him, and I love each of them from eternity until eternity.

And from an even higher perspective, there is no concept of exclusivity at all. Because, from that perspective, there is no "other" to be exclusive with.

Reluctant bride

"Whirlwind" is a serious understatement.

I met him on August 3rd, just three weeks ago. It started becoming intense around the middle of the month. Heck, a week ago, I still didn't think anything would come of it.

But the man is persistent. He had already decided he wanted me to be his wife, both in SL and RL. I said I wanted him to live with me irl for at least a month before making any decisions. From his perspective, I'm the only one who's not sure.

We argued about it. We argued for days. Today, he won the argument.

I was planning a party for my fifth rez day anniversary on August 31. Now, it'll also be an SL wedding and an RL engagement.

*sigh*

PS: I *do* love him dearly. I've brought up a lot of concerns the past few days and he had assurances and solutions for each of them. Maybe it's just my issues with commitments that make me very nervous. Particularly the real-life commitment. *sighs again*

How Opal got her groove back

I didn't take him seriously. I still don't know if I can take him seriously.

He met Alt #11 at Frank's. He was one of three who IM'd me at about the same time, but he was the first to ask me to dance.

He wasn't even wearing a tux. When he finally changed (while we were dancing, btw), he still had sneakers on.

He thought Alt #11's name was "imaginative and beautiful". His 1st Life tab had pretty much everything about him, succinct but complete -- his RL first name, what he does, where he lives, his philosophy about SL ("RL = SL"), and the picture of a very good-looking and charming young man with a mischievous smile a la Hugh Grant. He's two whole decades my junior.

He taught me how to cuss in German. I teased him about his naughty name. (He explained the very innocent origin of the name, however. The numbers were his post code.)

"So, what brought you to SL?" I asked.

"well, I was interested in using it in the classroom initially, but now I've moved on to sex... ;-)" was his reply.

We joked, we laughed. He talked as though he were certain that we were going to have a relationship. I tried to convince him that he wouldn't want a relationship with me. And his responses were very insightful and very caring that they surprised me pleasantly. Many times I wondered if he was giving me lines I just hadn't heard before. Before the night ended, I talked to him on Skype, which showed his full real life name.

We weren't on Skype long before he suddenly logged off. He didn't come back and no communication for days. I got nervous. The most logical scenario that came to mind was that he was actually underage and he was caught by his sister having virtual sex, so he was grounded and not allowed on the computer for days. This was based on a couple of things he said about his house-sharing arrangement.

When he logged back in, he explained that they had a three-hour power outage and he just couldn't log back in since. I told him what I assumed happened and explained why. We were on Skype and, as he was trying to explain that what he had said was the truth, I heard something in his voice. I heard pain -- the pain of a child being falsely accused.

It was very brief. I don't think my conscious mind even picked it up; only my intuition. And I wasn't expecting that impression. I was too pissed and too nervous about the possibility that I almost had sex with someone who's underage. But there it was. And it came with a sense of certainty that he was, in fact, telling me the truth.

The next time we met, he crashed. Another time, he was interrupted and had to go. We saw each other maybe once or twice a week. I didn't think the affair would go anywhere.

But when he said he was falling for me, I figured I'd reveal my RL and "nip it in the bud." He laughed when I said that, but he was very kind when he saw my RL. So I figured we'd just be friends with privileges.

Then I went to Oakland, California to attend SLCC. My mind was occupied by the workshop I was giving at SLCC, but I had also emailed Rocky to see if I could meet him there. During the first few days, I had a strong sense of someone aching for me. I thought it was Rocky but I also sensed this new lover. So when he said that he missed me badly since I left, I believed him.

Early on, he asked if I had been partnered and I explained Alt #9's partnership. I added that I take partnerships seriously and that Opal will only be partnered if I'm engaged irl. The previous night, he talked about wanting to get me pregnant. Last night, he half-joked about preserving my honor by partnering with me first. I gave him Alt #23 for privacy, but he wants Opal, because he wants to be my lover publicly.

He said that I bewitched him, that I drive him mad. I don't know what I did to incite such passion. But it wasn't the first time either, which is why I worry. I broke a young man's heart before, and I worry that I'd have to do it again.

Until last night, I didn't think this affair would go anywhere. So I figured there was no point writing about him. But if the conversation is already going into partnerships, I'm sitting up and paying attention. But he agreed we have a lot to talk about first, before we even decide on partnering.

/me ponders whether to change her display name to "Demi".

(No, Liebling, your nickname won't be "sexgod" ... yet.)

"if i would be married in SL..."

"if i would be married in SL with somebody ... for sure that will be with you ..."

I have issues. Everybody who knows me already knows that. The problem is that my issues conflict with each other. You see, I've had abandonment issues since I was a toddler. And after my divorce, I developed this long-term-commitment phobia. Pull. Push.

All I wanted to do was to give the Captain a gift, so, yesterday, I took him to the A.I.Friends store so he can pick out a kitten that looks like his RL cat.

Then, out of the blue, he asked me how SL pregnancy works because one of his friends mentioned that she and her boyfriend are gonna go through the SL pregnancy thing. So, I explained how it's done.

I offered to show him the pregnancy clinics and some prim babies. He declined saying that he is already a parent irl and he doesn't need it in SL. But he added that, if I wanted to, he would. I was touched.

Then as we continued talking about why women would go through that with a prim baby, he suddenly said, "if i would be married in SL with somebody ... for sure that will be with you ...". This time, I was stunned.

I was speechless. This was more serious than the pregnancy offer. And I was confused in more ways than one.

First confusion, he allows me to have other lovers and I see a partnership as being exclusive. I would have thought that he'd ask for exclusivity first.

Second, I love the man dearly. I adore him. I admire him. He is incredibly good to me. But I take partnerships very seriously, even if it's only in SL. The only time I partnered, it was only symbolic, because that partnership agreement was limited only to those alts and we promptly put those alts to sleep.

I think the cricket started chirping very loudly at that point and that added to the confusion in my head.

The Captain sensed that I was getting nervous about the whole discussion. So, he clarified that, no, he wasn't proposing. But I had a feeling that, even if he wasn't proposing then, he was testing the waters.

To tell the truth, if he really really wanted a partnership, I'd likely say yes anyway and deal with my own issues later.

*sigh*

/me prepares to wrestle with the cricket again.