Tears for the past

"Paradox Olbers, former ISM President, passed away on 13 November, 2019."

Kat Lemieux, founder and current president of the International Spaceflight Museum, sent me an IM today to tell me the news and to ask if I had made a Morphing Portrait for Para and if I wanted to create a memorial for him.

I saw her message as a notification from GMail as I was getting ready to leave work in the evening. I cried in the dark night as I walked to my car. And I don't know why.

I didn't have a close friendship with Para, but I worked closely with him when we were both active in the museum. It was a distant but warm professional friendship. When he took over the ISM, I was amazed at how he was able to keep it afloat financially, using his connections with donors and supporters.

But grief is a selfish emotion, and I knew that my tears were more for me than for him, although I am terribly sad that he is gone.

My last two years have been very difficult, particularly this past summer. In July, I had a cancerous tumor removed from my left kidney and that has not yet healed completely. In August, my mom passed away.

In the past few weeks, I've been missing Second Life. Not SL specifically, but the quietness and peacefulness that I have felt in the first few years of my virtual life. The wonder, the curiosity, the creativity. The innocence.

This week, I set up a trust and I'm still writing a pour-over will. In the process, I'm jotting down instructions for my successor trustee and executor. And the to-do list grows. I have a long list just to handle Opal's and Treasure's affairs. That task started my trek back into the past. And maybe that's why the tears came easily.

Paradox is one of the first few people I met in Second Life. His passing makes me feel like the past that I've been missing is slowly fading away piece by piece, because he was a part of that time in my life.

Many friends from that time have left SL too. No matter how often I log back into SL, I can't go back to that time. I can't step in the same river twice.



UPDATE 2019 Nov 30: Memorial created.

Chaac for real

I quoted Chaac Amarula a lot in my book. He's very quotable. And conversations with him are never dull. Ever.

There was a time years ago when he would log in and chat with us before he started his day, and it amazed me how he could be so witty so early in the morning. Well, I'm a night owl; I can't imagine anyone being witty at all anytime before noon.

During one of our rare-these-days conversations months ago, he mentioned a convention he wanted to attend in San Francisco. He had the dates, but he wasn't sure if he could make it. But I added it to my calendar anyway. Then I forgot all about it.

Two days ago, I saw it on my calendar and pinged him. It turned out he was already coming and he was wondering where to sightsee on Sunday afternoon.

So I picked him up from the airport, took him to sushi for lunch (while waiting for the roads to open up after the SF marathon), drove him over the Golden Gate Bridge northwards and back, then we had a quick walk on Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39. I think the seals on the Pier 39 harbor were the highlight of the day for him. :D



Maybe because I've known him almost since I started in SL, or maybe because we've had so many thought-provoking philosophical conversations in SL, that it felt like I've known him forever. Except this time, I witnessed his sense of humor with his facial expressions and his gestures. And it's even funnier like that than with just text. :D

I've been lucky that these SL-to-RL meetings have been wonderful so far. There's a different quality in the RL meetings with people that I've known the longest. I don't know if it's because of the length of time I've known them, or if it's because of the type of people that were attracted to SL during the early years. I suspect it's a combination of both, but maybe more of the latter.

Sadly, these real life meetings are less likely to happen again. It's the circumstances and the costs. But then, that's what SL is really about, isn't it? To bridge the physical distance and to create the circumstances to meet without the prohibitive costs. The more SL people I meet in real life, the more grateful I am for SL.

The next time I'm going to have SL-to-RL meetings again is in late September to early October, when I go to the Netherlands. They're old friends too. Stay tuned! :D

Enjoy now; define later

He made it sound like it was a common occurrence for everyone else.

"This is my first time to read a book with the author lying next to me.... With my hand between her thighs."

No, sweetie, I don't usually lie in bed with everyone who reads my book while they read it. ;)

I suppose it's just one of the possible things to do when you're spending an intimate weekend with someone you meet for the first time in real life.

The whole weekend felt very comfortable and familiar. As though I've done this with him before. Kinda deja vu, but not as mysterious or dramatic. There's just a certain way about how he touched me and held me, that I couldn't have imagined from our SL interactions.

It wasn't perfect. He had his insecurities (that I know about) and I have mine (that he doesn't know about). It didn't have the emotional intensity of my RL meetings with other lovers. After all, we had been lovers in SL for just two weeks. But it was very nice anyway.

And we each agreed we'd like to do it again. The question is whether it would be worth the expense, the time out of our busy lives, and the long drives (three hours for me and five hours for him, each way).

We continue to be lovers (and RP spies) in SL, but what are we in real life? Close friends? Booty calls? Cuddle buddies? Lovers? Whatever it is, it is definitely only short-term, for many reasons. So, maybe it doesn't really matter what we are.

I'll just enjoy it now and define it later. :)


DISCLAIMER: I don't encourage people to take the risks I do. I knew Agent A's RL identity before he knew mine. There were things he said about himself and things about the way he behaved towards me that made me believe I could trust him. I've met other lovers alone before, and each experience proved to be wonderful. But I have known them for much longer. So, meeting Agent A (someone whom I met inworld only a couple of months ago) was very risky from a personal safety standpoint. Please understand that, just because I do it, it doesn't mean it is wise, even though it turned out fine. Evaluate your risks carefully.

Exporting people and places into RL

I went to Spain for two weeks and met two lovers, a Flickr friend, and an MBA classmate and his wife. I wouldn't go into detail about the trip itself, because I have a separate travel blog for that. But I will talk about the trip's relevance to SL.

First, the two lovers. They were my lovers in SL years ago. Then they became busy. One explicitly set boundaries that we are only friends in RL, but the evening I spent with him in real life was absolutely magical and he treated me like a close friend. The other had claimed me in both SL and RL, but we spent maybe only a couple of hours together; he was busy with work and family and I was busy with sightseeing. But those two hours are memorable even.

Maybe I've been lucky. That trip brings the number of SL lovers that I met in RL up to 4. Each of those lovers are just as I imagined them. Their personalities were the same in RL as in SL, although two of them held back romantic gestures because of their marital circumstances.

Or maybe it's because these lovers are among the most important to me throughout my life in SL; therefore, meeting them in real life only deepened the connection we have.

After saying goodbye to each of them after meeting them, I cried. Because these are men I love and I may never see them again.

Second, the Flickr friend. She was really more like an acquaintance. In fact, I had originally avoided her, because I had felt a jealousy for her because of another lover. But she started following me in Flickr and commenting on my images there. Then she found me in another social media and connected with me, revealing her RL identity.

When we met up in Barcelona, we spent the afternoon at a children's park, going on the rides and shooting photos and talking and talking and talking until it was very late. It was amazingly easy to talk to her. In the end, I admitted my old jealousy and the reason for it. It was something I would not wish to hide when building a friendship. But I regretted it a little when she started feeling sad and nostalgic as our conversation flowed into past loves and betrayals.

Third, the sights. Not all the sights but specifically La Rambla, the Columbus monument, and the Plaza Reial, which were replicated in the Barcelona del Oeste sim before it was renovated. And also the Mezquita mosque in the Al Andalus Generalife sim before it disappeared.

I knew that the plaza in the old Barcelona del Oeste was based on a real-life plaza. It was a special place for me because of all the memories I have in that plaza -- conversations and dances with lovers and friends. I wanted to find it in the RL Barcelona, but I didn't realize that there were a gazillion plazas all over Barcelona. And then, when the Captain led me to an alley to head back to my hotel, we passed through the Plaza Reial, and I realized that it was THE plaza. I was amazed and awed.

I walked the La Rambla a few times since my first day in Barcelona and I even took pictures of the Columbus monument, but it was a few days later when I realized that it was also part of the Barcelona del Oeste sim.

When I found out that the Mezquita is in Cordoba, which is near Seville, I made sure to go and visit it as well. When I first saw the replica in SL, it already made my heart beat faster. It was that awe-inspiring. When I first saw the real thing, my jaw literally dropped.

Of course, I learned that the replicas were not accurate. They were simplified versions of the real thing. Probably because of the prim allowances. The SL version of La Rambla was shorter, the monument was not exact, the plaza is a lot smaller, and the Mezquita replica was probably based on the way the real Mezquita was before the expansions and before the cathedral was built inside it.

So there. I've "exported" people and places from SL to my RL, and it was a wonderful experience. I've met SL people in RL before, but this is the first time I've encountered SL places in RL. The people and the places now have a deeper meaning to me and I have a stronger connection with them.

I'll not look at SL the same way again.

My SL flashing before my eyes

I don't know why, but I feel incredibly sentimental today. Memories float in and out of my mind.  Memories throughout the past six years.  Events, places, lovers.

It's like my life is flashing before my eyes.

I feel homesick for what used to be.  What SL used to be.  What *my* SL used to be.

It's like that time when LL introduced windlight.  The light inworld changed and it felt like a whole different world.  And I missed the old light.

It's like when LL first allowed you to change the volume for the UI and the wind separately.  They turned those sounds down and it felt like a whole different world.  I had to turn up the UI sounds, and some sounds are different now.  And I never heard the wind again.


I'm scrambling to finish the book trailer before Friday when I plan to get the book live on Amazon.  If I weren't busy with the book trailer and with current lovers, I'd probably be more an emotional mess.  I cried after I finished sorting out the formatting issues for the upload.  I cried again today because the release date is so close.

I guess I always feel like this during life transitions. My old SL is dying.  I suppose my old RL is too.

Almost exactly eight years ago, as I was preparing to move to Minneapolis to start my MBA program, I wrote something in my RL personal blog about "Lea soup."  Here's an excerpt:

"... while on the treadmill, I was reading an article in "O" (Oprah's magazine, of course) about how we go about reinventing ourselves. It started with a story about how caterpillars actually shed their skin in a cocoon and become a glop. "Caterpillar soup," the author said. The article went on saying that we also become "people soup" when the world falls apart, when the ground shakes.

"Maybe this move is forcing me into the "people soup" phase. If I bring only the bare necessities, I give myself room to be redefined, to be reinvented."

It's like SL has been my cocoon for the past five or six years.  I had "hidden" from the real world and became a glop as I searched for who I am and who I am meant to be.  And now, the cocoon is cracking.  My wings are unfolding.

And that is damn scary.

One strange night with three alts

Yesterday was a strange day.  And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.


Opal: Perspectives

First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia.  Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also.  But he and his mother don't trust doctors.

A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic.  But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries.  Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents.  I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.

So, I told this friend to put things in perspective.  That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain.  He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.

Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing.  But, hey, I'm INTJ.  That's my nature.  You give me a problem; I will try to solve it.  If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me.  You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ...  (I bet the men are chuckling right about now.  Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.

But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you.  Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.


Alt #11: Verbal abuse

After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out.  So I logged into Alt #11.

The time was 22:48.

One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me.  The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding.  I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else.  He apologized.  This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor.  He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again.  I should just take him out of my friends list.

The time was 23:19.

So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.

At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance.  I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance.  It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out.  He told me his age and the country where he lived.  That was it.

If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored.  I've met many men his age and many men from his country.  It's nothing new to me.

Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else.  So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets.  That makes me feel like a replaceable cog.  He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll.  He said he hoped we'd dance next time.  I said, "Maybe."  I was thinking, "Maybe not."

The time was 23:38.

But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37.  All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself.  He was only a few weeks old.  And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt.  He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over".  Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance.  I declined.  Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.

Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life.  Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL.  I guessed that he was probably in his 20s.  He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.

All I said was, "Yes.  I'm late 40s.  I prefer older men."  I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship.  Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations.  He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature.  He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself.  He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him.  He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45.  He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.

Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident.  The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager.  Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM.  Only if they are abusive in public chat.  But the host said she'd keep an eye on him.  I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.

There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin.  His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men.  Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences.  And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.

When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief.  When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn.  Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."

What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices.  If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?

He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance.  Most couple dances are very intimate.  What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance?  Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him?  Do I not have the right to say "no"?  Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?

What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone."  6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single."  Ummmm, excuse me?!?  My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.

I'm beginning to see a pattern here.  It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her.  It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.


Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope.  We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on.  But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me.  So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.


Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech

I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list.  I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.

But fate had other plans.  *sigh*  Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach.  I had seen him a few times there since we broke up.  But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.

He wanted sex.  I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did.  He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember.  "But you already gave me up," I insisted.  We still couldn't agree.  Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.

But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts.  I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl.  He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl.  But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL?  My social life is mostly in SL.  Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men?  Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?

Then he asked me if I still loved him.  I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me.  "If you loved me, you would do this..."  I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant.  I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them.  I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others.  I will not make that mistake again.


Little bites

It wasn't all bad.  I got a lot of work done during the day.

The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious.  We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time.  I hope his date benefited from that arousal.  He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet.  I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.

Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.

I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt.  But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in.  He was with another friend so I didn't stay long.  He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day.  But there was something about how he responded to my greeting.  He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]."  It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate.  Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.

I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious.  He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before.  We chat more in OOC than in IC.  We're planning a new scenario that involves alts.  I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us.  But he refused.  He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me.  Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27.  She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.

At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically.  I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay.  I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her.  When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested.  He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay.  But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily.  I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic.  And that warmed my heart.

He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt.  But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push.  I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates.  He refused.  Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated.  Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.

I would probably do it in a week or so anyway.  By then, I'd have known him for more than a month.  I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then.  But, we'll see.  First, I have to feel out where this is going.

"RL takes precedence"

When someone says "RL takes precedence," what they really mean is that you're not important. To them, you're just a doll that they take down from the shelf to play with when they feel like it, then they put you back up on the shelf when they're done.

Of course, they don't like it when you treat them the same way, because, well, *they* are important.

But that's just the way things are. *We* and *ours* are important to ourselves. And everybody else is chopped liver. And we assign greater value to things that are tangible, or at least things that *seem* tangible to us. Except it's too arrogant to admit that, so people just say, "RL takes precedence."

I've never said "RL takes precedence." But if the occasion arises, I hope that I'd be courageously honest enough to say, "I'm sorry, you're not that important to me. Cutting my toenails in RL takes precedence over you in SL."

If ne'er the twain shall meet,...

Here's my question....

A lot of people say that SL is SL and RL is RL and "ne'er the twain shall meet."

Well, in SL, my alts are different people. And the only link among them is the human behind the avatar, and that human is in RL.

So, if SL is SL, then they should think of my alts as separate individuals, and they shouldn't care if my alts have other lovers.

Correct?

*grins*

Filters

In my sex alt, I've used my profile to discourage men who expect more than I'm willing to give. It was a way to manage expectations upfront.

Opal didn't have the same filter in place. Until today.

With most of my lovers, even if the romance is SL-only, there's still a genuine real-life friendship. But, lately, I've been opening up to the possibility of a real-life romance.

So, I've decided to put a filter in place to save me from heartaches and wasted time. My 1st life tab now says:

If you're looking for a physically attractive woman irl, sorry, I'm an old fat ugly hag, so... SHOO! SCAT!

Otherwise, I'm an intelligent creative woman with growing wisdom and natural wildness... Say hi.

Comparative dancing

Last night, I danced. In real life.

Today, I ache.

One point for virtual dancing.

Illicit

Since I was a young woman, I had promised myself that I would not mess with married men or men who are otherwise committed.

In SL, he is not partnered, but he just got out of a relationship. In RL, he is not married, but he is in a long-term committed relationship.

The question I did not resolve in September comes back to haunt me. If I have an affair in virtual reality with a man who's married (or committed) in real life, do I burn in virtual hell or real hell?

How separate, really, is SL from RL? The emotions are real; that, I know. And those emotions that come out of SL affect our moods in RL and, therefore, affect RL. Time spent in SL relationships is time taken away from RL relationships. Likewise, our beliefs, our behavior, our individual culture, our upbringing, our attitudes, all these come from RL and affect SL.

So I think I've learned something else about that mysterious line between SL and RL. It is not a foot-thick lead wall. Instead, it is a porous membrane. Things seep through, both ways. The membrane stretches towards one side or the other. And, yes, the membrane can burst with enough pressure.

That is why the guilt is there. I am stealing his time away from his RL gf and I am stealing my time away from myself.

And, for several days now, I've been swatting Jiminy Cricket away. Then, last night, I put the cricket in a jar. Last night, I started an illicit affair.

The loony bin

(Markoosha left a comment in a previous entry. In it, he advises that I should "focus on 'First' life." I figured I'd respond to him here.)

Markoosha, thank you for the advice. No, it does not offend me. In fact, I've heard that advice many times before. So I hope it would not offend you if I don't take it. :-)

The problem with pat answers is that what works for one person does not necessarily work for another. We all have different circumstances. In my case, the last couple of years of my "First" life marriage was incredibly painful that I have stayed away from serious intimate relationships for years. And yet I know that I need that emotional intimacy with another, a deeper kind of intimacy that platonic friends cannot provide.

Second Life is something of an emotional "sandbox" for me. A place where I can dip my toe in the pool, so to speak. A place to figure out what I did wrong, what I can do better, and whether I am emotionally ready for a full-time relationship. Usually, commitments in SL tend to be valid only in-world, so it's not as risky. But, at the same time, I'm getting my emotional needs satisfied once in a while.

So, the reason I'm not taking your advice is...

If I can't make it work in a (somewhat) controlled environment like Second Life, what makes you think I can make it work in real life?

:-D

Or to make the question more relevant to you...

If a driver hasn't learned to avoid orange cones in an empty parking lot at 15 mph, are you sure you want that person sharing the road with you at 65 mph?

;-D

/me plans to create a group called "Characters who should not be let out into the real world." After she comes up with a shorter name. lol

Look What Love Has Done

Where once each breath was just a sigh of aching emptiness;
Where once I hardly felt the beating in my chest.
Now each breath feels like a precious kiss of life;
Now inside me beat the wings of a thousand butterflies.

Look what love has done to me;
Look what love has done.
This must be how it's meant to be.
Look what love has done.
And my heart is dancing through each day;
My soul is running free.
Look what love has done to me.*

* Jaci Velasquez (1998) Written by Rob Mathes, Stephanie Lewis

Is it possible to virtually love someone so much that it spills out into RL? Nothing has changed and yet there's a subtle difference in the world. The sun is brighter, the air is clearer, everything looks crisper, colors are more intense, music is sweeter. This affair has had an incredible effect irl that even my family and my friends noticed a difference in me.

Everything goes so well. There's wanting to preserve what we have for as long as we can. And there's wanting more, yearning more. So we inch closer and closer to the line that separates SL from RL.

(Although, my friend Anna disagrees. She says that I'm not *inching closer* to the line. She claims that, in fact, I've drawn a line and already crossed it, then drawn another line, crossed that, drawn yet another line, .... It sucks when your friends tell it like it is and you know they're right.)

My fear is that, if we cross over to real life and the veil is lifted, then the spell breaks, the innocence is lost, and the fantasy fades. Going into RL is a great risk -- double or nothing. Either you get a great romance in both SL and RL, or you lose what you already have.

And the odds are against you. Many have told me of stories of people who took SL relationships out irl. The "happily ever after" never happens outside fairy tales. And SL is a fairy tale.

On the other hand, how long can I live locked up in an emotional tower? January lover and I have so much in common and we are so often in sync that it feels like I'm interacting with my own reflection. The odds of me meeting someone like him again are miniscule. If we keep it platonic, will we always wonder "what if ...?"

Maybe the trick is to figure out which odds are better -- making an SL affair work irl or finding someone like him irl. And then maybe I should take December's lesson: jump in, take the risk, and carpe diem. Then, at the very least, I could say that I met life head-on, that I chose to truly live, instead of simply allowing life to happen.

On the other hand, ...

My shrink: SL

(I had been trying to keep my SL persona separate from my real life self. And I had planned for this blog to be Opal's voice alone. But writing purely in Opal's voice is very difficult. Opal has very limited experiences. Even though I made her aware of her creator, writing from her perspective can become very two-dimensional. And if I attribute my thoughts to her, how do I explain the source of her wisdom? So I swing from different perspectives. Sometimes, the "I" is just Opal. Sometimes, it's the "I" in real life. But most of the time, it's a combination of both. In this entry, it is the "I" in real life speaking.)

Creating Opal is somewhat like creating a fictional character. Fiction writers have talked about their characters coming alive, such that they talk about those characters as though they were real people. I've even read of a writer (I can't remember who it was now), who said that he just creates the characters and the characters write the plot.

I've also heard it said that there's always something of the writer in the fictional character. That is, that the character is actually just an aspect of the writer's personality. Well, Opal has a lot of me in her. But at some point in the past month, I realized that I've been using Opal to balance my real life. I give her what I cannot have or don't allow myself to have in real life. That includes her looks, as well as her experiences. But creating an entirely new personality is as difficult as telling a lie. And since I'm in-world as much as I am, that can be very tiresome. So, Opal's personality is actually mine. But filtered. She gets the good parts of my personality.

However, last night, I had a spillover. And a bad one.

I (as Opal) was with the man I was seeing. We had another wonderful evening together. But, as we were holding each other, getting ready to say goodnight, I said that, if he wants exclusivity, he just has to ask. But, he's not ready.

He said it so sweetly, but it shook me out of the fantasy and back into reality. And I suddenly realized that, there they are -- my real life abandonment issues, intruding into my perfect virtual reality. And they've been there the whole time! I mean, in real life, I am fiercely independent. I had paid dearly for my freedom, that I tell people I'm "happily divorced." And, yet, in virtual reality, I am drawn to commitments. What on earth?!?

It's gotta be my abandonment issues. What else could they be?

Blame it on that kiss anim. It shuts down my left brain.