Dove: Good question

I was searching YouTube for something when I found an ad at the top of the search list for Dove's newest ad. Here it is, then I'll talk about it:





Did you see the question at 0:43? ... Yeah, ... that simple question ... it brought tears to my eyes. ... When, indeed.

I am reluctant to post my RL picture anywhere; I am reluctant to have my RL picture taken. When I travel and someone offers to take my picture with the scenery, I decline and say, "It would just ruin the picture." When I look back at old pictures, I think that, in the ones where I looked great, I didn't look like me.

I justify my avatar's beauty by saying that I compensate for my RL with my SL avatar. How many of us compensate for our RL with our SL avatars? Maybe it's easier to count how many do NOT.

Of course, I realize that having a pretty avatar makes it even harder for us to accept ourselves. I doubt lovers who say that they think I am attractive irl, because it was my avatar that attracted them and my avatar looks nothing like my RL. I worry what a lover would think of me when I use the webcam on Skype with him. Would he lose interest? Is he looking at the RL me in Skype, or is he looking at my avatar in SL?

If a lover asks to see me in Skype for the first time, I am incredibly nervous. If he asks again after he had previously seen me in all my un-glory, I am ecstatic.

Do I think that people should make their SL avatars look like their real selves? I still think it's a personal choice. It's more than just a matter of confidence. It's more than just a matter of beauty. It's also a matter of experiencing something we cannot irl. What does it feel like to be beautiful? To be fought for? To be flattered? To have more confidence? To be desired like that?

Now, I know.

Would I want to be as beautiful as my avatar irl? Not really. I've seen the shadow side of beauty too.

Benchmarking beauty

Noni Abeyante asked the MODA Spotlight models to create a comp card. I didn't know there was such a thing until now. Apparently, it's like a mini-portfolio / business card for models.

Anyway, after looking at several examples on the web, I came up with this, which is laid out more like a magazine spread.



The hardest part of the process is choosing which pictures to include, even after limiting my choices to the ones where I'm wearing my current skin.

And the paradigm shift of the day is when I looked at old pictures and think, "Oh, my god, I'm so ugly!" even where I thought I looked drop-dead gorgeous when the picture was taken. This is the exact opposite of my reaction when I look at my old RL pictures and realize that I didn't look as bad as I thought when I was younger.

And I've come to the realization that, not only do we not own our beauty as Black says, but our perception of beauty changes, depending on who we are at that point in time. And, maybe, it is also influenced by how much control we have in how we look.

You don't own your beauty

I met Black more than two years ago through my RL alt. We've chatted many times about business in SL, about roleplaying, about real life. When I focused on Opal, he and I rarely caught each other online, so we hadn't talked for a long while. Then late last month, he logged in while I was in that alt.

That night, the flirting got really intense. And since I had been offering long-time friends the chance to know my RL, I did the reverse with Black. I offered him the chance to know my main alt, which is Opal. (I also wanted to move the flirting away from my RL business alt.)

Even after knowing Opal for almost a month now, he still thinks my RL alt (which is the least attractive of all my female alts) is sexier.

I said, "I work hard to make this avie pretty and you prefer the least attractive avie."

He replied, "Beauty is [like] reputation. ... You don't own it. ... Others do. ... Others own your 'beauty'."

*sigh* I'm spending hundreds of thousands of Lindens and countless hours on something others own. That's just not fair....

Beauty is in the eye of ...

HiHo did a MODA Spotlight show this past Monday featuring RFyre. After the show, Mak commanded him (in the public voice channel) to meet her in the backroom later. LOL

Anyway, the models got gift cards from RFyre, with instructions to send transaction records to Harper Beresford. Well, HiHo handed his gift card over to Opal, since, well, he doesn't need any clothes. And Opal went shopping last night then sent the transaction records and the gift card back to Harper.

This morning, Harper sent HiHo the refund and an offline IM with a rhetorical question: "... and how come women make better male avatars?!?!?" LOL

Well, I have a theory. Or two. Or three.

Theory #1

When Alt #9 was taking the then-newly-born BF #2 around to look for hair, I commented, "You notice that when you see men shopping, there's usually a woman with them?" His response was "that's to keep the men from running out and blowing clothes money on a rod and reel ... or a shot gun ... or a pair of yosemite sam mud flaps for the truck ...." So, you can ask a guy where you can buy the best HUD for anything (especially sex HUDs) or the best TV screen and he'll give you a long list of vendors with pros and cons. But if you ask him where you can buy the best skin or shoes, he'll give you the one or two places where he got his, if you're lucky.

That's also why most male avatars look alike. They all went to the same store. (I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know there are so few good male skins out there. LOL)

Theory #2

There's this book about self-identity (but unfortunately, I can't remember the title and it's hidden somewhere in this pile of boxes in my living room) and it says that women generally think they're fatter than they really are and men think they're in better shape than they really are. So, men generally don't have issues about how they look. And they come into SL thinking they're pretty good-looking and so try to make their avatars look like their real selves. And, ummm, let's just say that it doesn't translate well to the medium.

Either that or they get some satisfaction in the fact that a drop-dead gorgeous woman (virtual though she may be) would be so willing to hop into the sack with someone who looks like him.

Meanwhile, women who make male avatars are trying to recreate their dream boat, so, yeah, he'll look better than your average guy.

Theory #3

I think men tend to drink a few beers before they tackle the unpleasant task of modifying their avatar. Capos Calderwood (aka Alex Whitmore irl) has a song that goes, "Beauty... it's in the eye of the beerholder... Tonight we'll drink until we look okay..." So they just keep drinking until their avatar looks okay.

*grins*


Now, keep in mind that this doesn't apply to ALL men; I'm just generalizing. Besides, tbh, I've actually seen quite a few really good ones out there, created by men without any help from a woman. Unfortunately, as Kit and I were lamenting just last night, most of them are gay.

*sighs*

On the other hand, some men know enough to ask a woman for help and so end up looking like a young Robert Redford.

*swoons*

A case for anonymity

I had been good about keeping my anonymity intact until recently. Circumstances have forced me to reveal my identity to a few people. Two of those circumstances were issues of trust and accountability; the third was an economic decision.

Jaime asked me once why I feel the need to be anonymous. I don't do anything illegal in SL. The most compromising thing I've done is cyber sex*, but isn't sex a natural part of the human experience anyway? And didn't I want to take credit for the work I've done inside SL?

But there is one significant reason.

SL allows us to be what we cannot be in real life, to live a fantasy. For me, that fantasy is to have physical beauty. But I've later realized that having a beautiful avatar is not just for my own benefit; it is also a gift to the world. After all, aren't we just trying to create Utopia in here? So, just as an artist creates a thing of beauty as a gift to the world, this avatar is my contribution to Utopia.

But it is so easy to fall in love in SL and, eventually, someone falls in love with the fantasy I created and I fall in love right back with the fantasy they've created. I always remind my lovers that they're falling in love with a woman who does not exist. Yes, I have the same intelligence, personality, and voice in real life, but I do not have the beauty that my avatar has. They insist that it's still me. But no matter what these men say, my avatar's looks are part of what attracted them to me, part of the fantasy of having won the affections of a beautiful woman. After all, isn't it a big ego boost to have a beautiful woman on your arm?

Revealing my identity would dispel that fantasy. Wouldn't it be a big let-down if you realize that the lover, whose beauty you have been proud of, is not beautiful at all? Maybe that doubt was always in the back of your mind, but having it confirmed would be as cruel as having a gift snatched away from you.

So, besides the few exceptions, I remain anonymous, I preserve the fantasy. For my sake and for the sake of every SL lover I've had.


* In light of a recent SL blog, I guess I should emphasize that I'm talking about sex between consensual adults.