Shakespearean tragedy, anyone?

These past few days have been overwhelmingly emotional and I'm exhausted. But I feel peace.

The Hitchhiker

On Saturday, I took out my sex alt after a long time. Well, technically, I took her out earlier to do some freebie hunt but gave up before finishing it. But this weekend, I was trawling. I met several men but none stuck, except one with a gentle face and with gentle words in his profile. I pinged him and we went to his home.

We chatted quite a bit and I was stunned that he was laying himself bare emotionally so fast. He was already thinking a year down the road, and we had only met. We spent all night together, chatting, having sex, then chatting some more. He was so sweet, so wonderful, so caring. My broken heart needed a home and he offered one. I figured it was worth a try.

Before midnight, I had made a commitment to be exclusive to him. By the morning, I had introduced him to Opal.

He read my last blog entry and said, "so you pulled out of the parking lot and there I was with my thumb out :)". :D

"I wish I knew"

On Sunday, I received an email from my last affair. He was apologizing for being harsh on me. He explained that he hasn't been dealing with RL well and he took it out on me and other people. And he asked forgiveness. I decided to wait until later in the evening before responding. I had too many things to get done and I was meeting up with the Hitchhiker again.

But, as I was saying goodnight to the Hitchhiker, my last affair sent IMs reiterating his email. I decided to wait until after my goodbyes before responding, but he said "bye" so I quickly responded and told him to wait. When the Hitchhiker logged off, I replied that I wasn't mad at him and that I never saw his behavior as taking anything out on me and we started talking.

It was 11pm SLT.

I told him that I had met someone new, and he said he was happy for me.

I told him how painful the past few weeks had been, especially since that day he rejected me. And that's when we realized we've made wrong assumptions.

He explained that, with all the stresses of his own RL and crises that friends were going through, he hit a point where he couldn't deal with it anymore and, in his words, he "imploded". The day he refused to see me, I assumed he never wanted to see me again. So I said "take care of yourself", which he took to mean *I* never wanted to see *him* again.

I said, "I wish I knew." He said, "me too ... i wish i knew".

I was going to transfer out some things from Alt #9's inventory that night, then I was going to put her to sleep. He said he decided to put his private alt (BF #2) to sleep with #9 too. So we logged into those alts one last time. I was already crying.

We talked about things that was good about our relationship, what we were grateful for. We reminisced about good times. We said things that we wanted to say but never did. Good things. Painful things. Emotional things. We laughed. We cried. We made promises to remain friends and stay in touch. And we kept repeating, "I wish I knew."

Knowing might have bought us only a few more chances to be together, but we regretted that misunderstanding anyway. He still would have to leave SL soon. But every chance to be together was so precious. "I wish I knew."

I saw him log in and out a few times, but he didn't try to contact me. I took that as confirmation of my assumptions, so I didn't try to contact him either. And he never bothered to read my blog so he didn't know how I really felt. "I wish I knew."

He said he had seen me log my sex alt in with an online indicator HUD a couple of days before. And he went to the same jazz club where we first met, hoping to "bump" into me. He didn't ping me because he was afraid I really didn't want to see him anymore. "I wish I knew."

We compared our situation with "Romeo and Juliet". They too had misunderstandings and they both ended up dead. "I wish I knew."

He said, who knows, maybe there would be a next time, so we hung our hopes on that "next time" as we hung on to each other.

An idea

I reminded him of his promise to meet up again on my alt's third rez day. He asked when that was so I opened up the profile window to check. At the same time, I decided to update her profile to reflect that she would be "sleeping". And he updated his alt's profile as well.

Then a bulb lit up.

If my alt was intended for him and his alt was intended only for me, and they were both going to be put to sleep anyway, why not partner them? It would only be symbolic because those alts would be inactive anyway, but what an awesome symbol it would be! He agreed without any hesitation.

I had never partnered before in any of my alts, because I consider partnering in SL to be equivalent to being engaged in real life. He promised himself he would never partner again. And, yet, there we were, getting partnered on the spur of the moment.

When I said I would have to search for a gown in my inventory, he said, "just get naked and keep the boots on." :D So, while he was drafting his proposal, I found a white pair of thigh-high boots in Opal's inventory and sent them over. I also used the Mer Betta Pasithea veils, pearls, and gloves. Thankfully, Lora logged in as I was frantically searching for a bouquet on SLX. She lent me a transferrable bouquet from her inventory.

He logged his main alt back in to be his best man. I logged Opal back in to be my maid-of-honor, but she didn't stay long because I was lagging badly.

I accepted his proposal at 8am, February 23, 2009.

After accepting his proposal, we kissed, took pictures, dismissed his best man (Opal was already gone), and cuddled and talked some more. I asked if he remembered my blog about "Heart Gravel"; he did. Then I said, he gets two -- one now, one later. And he said he'd hold me to that. :D

More cuddling, more pictures, more talk, more reminiscing. Until we were both too tired to keep our eyes open. Then our alts said goodnight and went to sleep.

It was 10:18am SLT.


However, the idea had its consequences, including breaking my word. After the MODA fashion show, I met with the Hitchhiker again as we had planned and I told him what had happened overnight. I asked for his forgiveness and gave him the choice to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it.

His response was very perceptive, very kind, very wise, and very gracious. His own words:
You have a strong tie with this man and you have history with him
your heart is in his hands not mine
I free you from our commitment so that you can bring this love you share to a proper and fitting conclusion
whether it be in parting or in finding a way
I must step aside
And I am going to do so

I know I broke his heart. How badly, I have no idea. But at this point, I could not love him as he deserves to be loved. For his wisdom and his graciousness, he has my gratitude and deep respect.

One more synchronicity

A lot of synchronistic coincidences marked most of the last three months. Not ordinary coincidences either and way too many to be attributed to chance.

Today, one more strange thing happened.

While we were getting ready for the practice run-through for the MODA fashion show, my cellphone rang and I ran off to pick it up. It was my mom. I told her I was busy all night and promised to call her back tomorrow. But wondering if it was some sort of emergency, I asked if she needed anything quick.

She replied, "Oh, nothing, I just had a dream about you last night in a wedding gown...."