Friday, April 05, 2013

What's the point?

Wolfgang wondered why I took a long time at a store to purchase a single lingerie set. He was with another lover, but he kept me in IM.
Alt#27: I'm stuck in emails.
Wolfgang#2: what mails ?
Alt#27: Impy email.
Wolfgang#2: oho
By that time, Impy and I had already exchanged a few replies, since he initiated the conversation a few days ago after a two-week silence. Something in the tone of his first email made me livid. I couldn't understand why he even bothered to email me again. I thought it was a done deal. Was he trying to ease his guilt? Was he trying to put the blame on me? What more did he want from me?

I was writing up what I hoped would be the last piece of mail I'd ever write to him, and that's when Wolfgang's interest was piqued because I took too long to buy an outfit. So I had to update him, while avoiding names and details.

But he didn't take my side. "i know you and i m sure you are in bad road," he said, "arguing about little points, forgetting the main."  Throughout the conversation, he took Impy's side.
Wolfgang#2:
you could write [an email] just to say you are both stupid to fight on some details
tell him you didn't stop to love him
just that

Alt#27:
When I love someone, I don't stop loving him.  I've told him that.  I told you that.

Wolfgang#2:
that is not known in fight

Alt#27:
But I can choose to not be with him anymore.
/me sighs.

Wolfgang#2:
if you want to stop the fight, [tell] him that and forget the fight

Alt#27:
what for?
So I'd keep hurting?

Wolfgang#2:
fight hurt you

Alt#27:
So I have to pretend I'm not hurt because he prefers to be with someone else than with me?
He doesn't have much time.
She gets whatever time he has.
And besides, he already left me a long time ago, remember?

Wolfgang#2:
don't pretend you are not hurt
you just say that because it is true

Alt#27:
what is?

Wolfgang#2:
that you didn't stop to love him

Alt#27:
But for what purpose?
Impy said that he realized he wants exclusivity now, which he didn't ask from me. That meant he wants exclusivity with her. And I am definitely not willing to give up Wolfgang. So what's the point of telling Impy I still love him?

"i just know you," Wolfgang said. But he was comparing this fight with the fights I had with him in the past, when I would leave and come back sooner than I said. But this is different. In my fights with Wolfgang, I was the one who was pulling away. In this case, Impy was the one who left. He came back to SL, but not to me. So, again, what's the point?

Wolfgang remembered an argument we had a long time ago, when I sent him an email that calmed him down as he was about to reply angrily to an earlier email. "You saved us some time ago with something like that," he said.

I still couldn't see what for, but I got the feeling that he would keep bugging me unless I did as he "suggest." And he was right; Impy replied more calmly. I suggested to be away for three months to heal and Impy agreed.

At this point, I don't think three months would make a difference. I don't think a year would make a difference. If I didn't make Impy happy enough to stay before, what's the likelihood I can make him happy in the future? So, again, what's the point?

And, yes, I am INTJ.

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