"i dont want to go very deep in conversation now...but do you know that I really feel something deep for you??"
Impy and I were talking about keyboards and non-English characters. Then he said that. Out of the blue.
Four months ago, he left. I waited. He stayed away. I packed. He returned, but he couldn't promise anything. I thought what we had in the past would remain in the past. He said that he viewed me as "a close friend from across the sea." I took his word "friend" to mean "platonic."
Because he logged in as his primary alt most of the time, I thought it was a confirmation that he really didn't want that kind of relationship anymore. Not only because he didn't have time, as he had said, but also because he really didn't feel that way anymore, as I had assumed.
I've gotten used to imbalanced relationships. Imbalanced in terms of level of anonymity, in terms of commitment, in terms of depth of emotion. So, I coped. He remained in my life and that was enough. I had stopped hoping for anything more than platonic, although I still consider him a lover.
But, as with past lovers, I've packed away the deep emotions and left only the "safe" ones visible -- the light emotions, the fun emotions, the noncommittal emotions. I gave him his space. I avoided being too clingy.
So when he said that today, I felt a soft punch on my chest. But my mind refused to believe.
"No, my love, I don't know."
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Land shifts
I'm moving... both in SL and in RL.
Actually, my SL moves have already occurred. If only RL moves were as easy.
I had been thinking of lowering my tier and the easiest way to do it is by giving up the quarter sim in Fendahl. When I was still thinking of moving Mer Betta there, I didn't know how to build the ground level, but I saw a build in an RFL fair that would be perfect. It was a mountain island with rocks shaped like a skull and a cove with a pirate ship in it. So I talked to the creator who was very gracious and told me where to get the sculpt maps for the skull and he even gave me the texture that he created for it. I decided to make my own texture so I could match it with the other rocks that I wanted. That was where I filmed my first Mer Betta ad.
Anyway, I met Micah in July 2010 soon after I bought that parcel. She was a friend of the previous owner, and she logged in on the parcel when I was building it. So I asked her first if she wanted to take it over, because the land had sentimental value to her. Otherwise, I would just abandon the land to Gov Linden. She wanted it, and so I transferred the land to her on the 20th of the month. (My tier is charged every 21st of the month.) I gave her copies of the objects that I could transfer, including the skull and the elephants on top of the skull. I left some of my things that I couldn't transfer until she could purchase them herself.
Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to move my tier down because most of my lands were deeded to groups in order to get more prim allowance. So I had to give up two more parcels in Aglia that were given to me as gifts. Now, I'm down to just my parcels in Aglia and Zeuzera (including my very first 512 sqm plot) and the parcel in Dunbeath where I have the Mer Betta store, the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, and the recording studio for "Talk, Like Dim Sum".
I don't remember how the conversation started about finding a new home, but I got nervous about Alt #27 and Alt #32 being associated with Opal/Treasure and my RL. So, we decided (actually, it was more my decision) to find a place that was really our own. Not just mine.
In a sense, it was a good decision, because I had to give up the parcel we were on anyway.
The first parcel was a beautiful location in the water but the owner was a jerk, because he wanted us to pay for the prims of an ugly build that he refused to remove. I was pissed. Wolfgang was more sympathetic to the owner (which pissed me off even more), so I told him to deal with the owner himself. I wanted to leave; he wanted to work it out. I asked him if he was attached to the land and he replied that he wasn't attached to material things. I said I'd rather be homeless than deal with jerks like that owner. It was that statement that prompted him to say, "ok ok ... let's leave." And we started picking up our things.
I wanted to just let the rent expire, because we figured the owner wouldn't refund us the difference anyway. But W wanted to be polite, so he informed the landlord when I refused to. The landlord later replied, proving himself even more of a jerk. W finally conceded that it was a good idea to get as far away as possible from people like that.
At first I couldn't understand why W wanted to stay so bad that he and I fought about it. Then I realized there were two reasons -- he himself deals with renters, and it was the first home that was truly equally ours. Like his comment about making plans about the future, giving up a jointly shared home probably made him nervous about our future together. In a sense, he was fighting for our future together.
Anyway, we went back to a private-sim parcel that we saw earlier and we started building it, avoiding the use of Opal's stuff and searching for freebies and cheapies instead. The ground level is practically done.
Meanwhile, I keep sorting and packing for my RL move ....
Actually, my SL moves have already occurred. If only RL moves were as easy.
Skull Mountain
I had been thinking of lowering my tier and the easiest way to do it is by giving up the quarter sim in Fendahl. When I was still thinking of moving Mer Betta there, I didn't know how to build the ground level, but I saw a build in an RFL fair that would be perfect. It was a mountain island with rocks shaped like a skull and a cove with a pirate ship in it. So I talked to the creator who was very gracious and told me where to get the sculpt maps for the skull and he even gave me the texture that he created for it. I decided to make my own texture so I could match it with the other rocks that I wanted. That was where I filmed my first Mer Betta ad.
 |
| A stereoscopic pair showing Skull Mountain. The platform was temporarily installed for my 5th rez day anniversary. |
Anyway, I met Micah in July 2010 soon after I bought that parcel. She was a friend of the previous owner, and she logged in on the parcel when I was building it. So I asked her first if she wanted to take it over, because the land had sentimental value to her. Otherwise, I would just abandon the land to Gov Linden. She wanted it, and so I transferred the land to her on the 20th of the month. (My tier is charged every 21st of the month.) I gave her copies of the objects that I could transfer, including the skull and the elephants on top of the skull. I left some of my things that I couldn't transfer until she could purchase them herself.
 |
| A view of the west from the south side of Skull Mountain. |
Unfortunately, that wasn't enough to move my tier down because most of my lands were deeded to groups in order to get more prim allowance. So I had to give up two more parcels in Aglia that were given to me as gifts. Now, I'm down to just my parcels in Aglia and Zeuzera (including my very first 512 sqm plot) and the parcel in Dunbeath where I have the Mer Betta store, the Ms.O.Lei-ny store, and the recording studio for "Talk, Like Dim Sum".
A home with Wolfgang
I don't remember how the conversation started about finding a new home, but I got nervous about Alt #27 and Alt #32 being associated with Opal/Treasure and my RL. So, we decided (actually, it was more my decision) to find a place that was really our own. Not just mine.
In a sense, it was a good decision, because I had to give up the parcel we were on anyway.
The first parcel was a beautiful location in the water but the owner was a jerk, because he wanted us to pay for the prims of an ugly build that he refused to remove. I was pissed. Wolfgang was more sympathetic to the owner (which pissed me off even more), so I told him to deal with the owner himself. I wanted to leave; he wanted to work it out. I asked him if he was attached to the land and he replied that he wasn't attached to material things. I said I'd rather be homeless than deal with jerks like that owner. It was that statement that prompted him to say, "ok ok ... let's leave." And we started picking up our things.
I wanted to just let the rent expire, because we figured the owner wouldn't refund us the difference anyway. But W wanted to be polite, so he informed the landlord when I refused to. The landlord later replied, proving himself even more of a jerk. W finally conceded that it was a good idea to get as far away as possible from people like that.
At first I couldn't understand why W wanted to stay so bad that he and I fought about it. Then I realized there were two reasons -- he himself deals with renters, and it was the first home that was truly equally ours. Like his comment about making plans about the future, giving up a jointly shared home probably made him nervous about our future together. In a sense, he was fighting for our future together.
Anyway, we went back to a private-sim parcel that we saw earlier and we started building it, avoiding the use of Opal's stuff and searching for freebies and cheapies instead. The ground level is practically done.
Meanwhile, I keep sorting and packing for my RL move ....
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Fight or flight
The bet
August 14, 2012. Impy was talking about Guild Wars 2. It was supposed to come out on August 28 and he was excited about it.
[2012/08/14 16:59:16]
Alt#24: After you buy GW2, I won't see much of you anymore.
That's where your time will go.
Impy2: no, i dont think so
i will not go fully into GW2
Alt#24: I should make a bet.
Impy2: lol, you will loose
Alt#24: I think you'll be too tired to come into SL.
Impy2: no, this is 'diferent', it is not a game
Alt#24: And after your eyes get accustomed to the great graphics in GW1, you will not want to come back to SL.
Impy2: laughs
XDDD no way
Alt#24: Make the bet then!
Alt#24: Okay.
Here's my bet.
By October, you will drop down to once or twice a week in SL.
Impy2: nope
Alt#24: Make the bet and I'll track it.
Impy2: what do you want to bet?
Alt#24: 1,000L
You can afford that.
Impy2: :D ok
Alt#24: ok ... Deal.
Impy2: deal
Alt#24: One day, my darling, you'll learn never to make a bet with a Filipina.
Impy2: haha :D
November 9, 2012. Impy logged in after my presentation at the Non-Profit Commons. He had logged in a week before, but we didn't log into our dedicated alts then. This time, we did.
[2012/11/09 10:28:20]
Second Life: [Impy2] paid you L$1000.
Alt#24: What's that for?
Impy2: remember our "bet"?
Alt#24: I forgot.
Impy2: :) laughs.
Alt#24: What was the bet?
Impy2: don't remember..."I bet you will log less and less....till one day in the week
Alt#24: oh
Impy2: i said no...
Impy2: you won :S
Alt#24: In that case, you owe me another 4000L
I won that bet because that's typical in my Second Life. Lovers fading away. Some disappear without a word. Some fall away, but they keep in touch by email, until eventually the emails disappear too. Some *do* return. Rapido did. And now, Impy did too. Even Yes Man had contacted me recently and we had a brief chat by disembodied IM to catch up on news with each other.
In the past, I figured I would always be abandoned. I have abandonment issues and they say that you would always get the same lessons in life until you learn them. I imagined that was the lesson I had to keep learning.
After all, I was always the one who was more immersed in SL. And my lovers were more focused on their RL. So it was only natural that I'd be the one left behind.
In fact, that was how I viewed every lover. He was just there for a short time and, eventually, he'd fade away. I could bet on it with confidence....
I don't think about to leave you
Later that same afternoon, I saw Wolfgang#2 logged in when it was already very late for him. He said he was on his way to bed. I asked for a hug before he goes to bed; he declined. I was very disappointed.
I imagined he was with his sub, and I felt bad that he spent the whole evening with her, but I couldn't even get five minutes for a hug. After he logged off, I couldn't focus so I logged my social alt and went to Frank's. I hid in a corner while listening to the music and working on other things outside SL. I said hi to a friend and another friend caught me. The second one proposed RL sex after finding out that we actually live near each other. I declined. He's less than half my age.
The next day, Wolfgang asked how my day was, as usual. And I mentioned taking my social alt out and the conversation with the young friend. I also mentioned that I spent a little time with Impy and that he's back. Then he asked me how Rapido was, and I said he was fine but I hadn't seen him for a while either.
[2012/11/10 02:26:25]
Alt#32: It's been just you for a long time.
Wolfgang#4: yes i know ... but it looks to change soon
Alt#32: I don't know.
Wolfgang#4: i think it will anyway as you show the wish it does
Alt#32: How do I show the wish?
Wolfgang#4: because all that, the dance with [social alt], the impy around, rapido too
I told him that I didn't really dance. I was just standing in the corner. Then I explained, "Sometimes, I just need to be around crowds because I feel lonely. And sometimes I feel lonely and rejected when I can't even get a five minute hug."
And the argument started.
I tried to appease him. I tried to prove I was thinking of him even as I stood at Frank's because a song played by the DJ made me think of him. He continued to think I was trying to make him jealous, simply because I didn't get a hug. I was trying to explain that it was just a slight disappointment and I went out to soothe myself.
I kept repeating what I said in so many ways. It was as though he wasn't listening or he didn't believe me. At one point, I felt like the argument was going nowhere, and I said, "I am at a point where I am seriously thinking of giving up." I was seeing red.
And that became another point of contention.
The argument continued through email the next day. Even while he was at a family gathering.
I said, "I always believed that love should be the only reason to be with another person. Maybe I’m a romantic idealist. I’ve wanted to run away because of our differences. I stayed because I love you. But, if my love for you is not a good enough reason, then what reason is there to stay?"
He replied, "I always believed that when you love someone, you don't have to search a reason to stay, because then, you don't wish to leave. And i believe that when you wish to leave, the meaning is that you don't love that much, or not that much anymore. ...
" Love is a good reason to not leave someone, it is just so bad that some reasons need to be found to decide to stay. ... Romantic words are words, reality is reality. ... You, the romantic, want to leave because [of] 2 argues and our differences. ... Me ,the not romantic, was here and stayed here without thinking about to leave, although our argues, although our differences which are for me constructive and not a problem. ... You, you say to me you love me. I, I don't think about to leave you."
My own reply was much longer, but essentially, "Running away doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Sometimes, it just means I am feeling more pain than I can handle. I can deal with arguments; arguments can be logical. I have a very difficult time dealing with emotional pain, because emotional pain often irrational. Feeling jealous is irrational. Feeling rejected just because I didn’t get a hug is irrational. ...
"You get hurt because of the argument. I’m already hurt before the argument starts. For me, the argument is like pulling out the arrow and cleaning the wound. It hurts more, but it’s necessary for healing. ...
"The will is not stronger than love; the will gets its strength from love. When I say I love you, I am saying that my love powers my will to stay and it overrides my impulse to run away from the pain. That impulse is the fight-or-flight instinct. When I cannot fight anymore, my instinct is to flee. But fleeing would not make you happy, so I stay."
We had a couple more exchanges by email before we met inworld again. And we made up.
But this argument has opened my eyes. As he says, I look for a reason to stay, but the thought of leaving me never even occurred to him. If he's right, maybe the impulse to flee is also triggered by fear. Fear of commitment. Fear of the relationship going further than I am prepared to go.
Somehow, a shift happened inside my brain. Somehow, I see him differently now.
Maybe I should save my Lindens. I'm not making any bets with this one.
“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
― Dr. Seuss
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wishes of future
Wolfgang and I had been arguing again. It was mostly because of my stress lately.
First, Rapido was admitted to a hospital because of a heart attack. Two days later, my mom was admitted to a hospital because her heart stopped beating. They had to install a pacemaker on her. My sister wanted me to come home to help out. I decided it was time to go home for good. So, I'm in the middle of finishing up commitments, planning the move, and looking for a job in California.
Wolfgang senses the stress because I'm touchy and he's normally touchy anyway. So we argued. Even with our F-F pair. The last one stretched for three days and ended yesterday. It's not that we argued for three days; it's just that the feeling lasted for two additional days.
He doesn't promise to keep the friendship if we ever break up. So I proposed that we downgrade our relationship to a friendship now before we have an argument that is so explosive that he'd never speak to me again.
My proposal upset him even more. He knows I rarely have time for friends, so, from his perspective, it's the same thing. He was feeling rejected and the argument continued. I had to explain that I was actually trying to keep him in my life, but he doesn't see it that way.
On the second day, we were both calmer but still melancholy. I told him that, because of what I'm going through in real life, I needed to be held and I needed his protection, his support, and his maleness. But I was afraid to ask for our M-F pair because he might construe it as rejecting our F-F pair. He agreed that he probably would have, but he said I could ask anyway.
We had already decided that we would meet as our M-F pair on Thursdays, because the last time we did, it felt like we were strangers again. So we met as our M-F pair this morning and it feels warmer and more comforting. We started to talk about our RPs and about doing a recurring RP for each of our pairs, with occasional short RPs with different scenarios.
/me shakes her head and mumbles, "Smart ass...." :D
First, Rapido was admitted to a hospital because of a heart attack. Two days later, my mom was admitted to a hospital because her heart stopped beating. They had to install a pacemaker on her. My sister wanted me to come home to help out. I decided it was time to go home for good. So, I'm in the middle of finishing up commitments, planning the move, and looking for a job in California.
Wolfgang senses the stress because I'm touchy and he's normally touchy anyway. So we argued. Even with our F-F pair. The last one stretched for three days and ended yesterday. It's not that we argued for three days; it's just that the feeling lasted for two additional days.
He doesn't promise to keep the friendship if we ever break up. So I proposed that we downgrade our relationship to a friendship now before we have an argument that is so explosive that he'd never speak to me again.
My proposal upset him even more. He knows I rarely have time for friends, so, from his perspective, it's the same thing. He was feeling rejected and the argument continued. I had to explain that I was actually trying to keep him in my life, but he doesn't see it that way.
On the second day, we were both calmer but still melancholy. I told him that, because of what I'm going through in real life, I needed to be held and I needed his protection, his support, and his maleness. But I was afraid to ask for our M-F pair because he might construe it as rejecting our F-F pair. He agreed that he probably would have, but he said I could ask anyway.
We had already decided that we would meet as our M-F pair on Thursdays, because the last time we did, it felt like we were strangers again. So we met as our M-F pair this morning and it feels warmer and more comforting. We started to talk about our RPs and about doing a recurring RP for each of our pairs, with occasional short RPs with different scenarios.
Wolfgang#3: i like think about projectsSo, that settles it.... We're building a future with him and me. Not him and his ponytail.
Alt#27: projects?
Wolfgang#3: yes like main rp, it shows some future wish
Alt#27: Future wish for what?
Wolfgang#3: wishes of future
Alt#27: a future together, you mean?
Wolfgang#3: build some future
Wolfgang#3: yes, not with my ponytail
/me shakes her head and mumbles, "Smart ass...." :D
Saturday, October 13, 2012
7 days
It's amazing how much could happen in a week! This will be a long post so I'll split it into sections.
Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.
When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".
The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"
As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".
At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.
Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.
And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.
I hardly see Rapido anymore.
At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.
Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".
I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."
He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."
His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".
He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".
The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.
After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.
A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.
I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.
Well, needless to say, we argued again.
This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.
I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.
I told him I'd decide the next day.
I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.
In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.
During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....
"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."
I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.
It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.
But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.
So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.
So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.
Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.
But the countdown had ended.
So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.
I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.
He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.
He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.
"you are mine"
Rapido and I were talking about the sexual roleplay scenarios that we've been doing. We've been doing multiples lately with strangers in the places where we take our alts. And, out of the blue, he asked me if my other lover enjoyed RP. I replied that I actually met him (Wolfgang) in an RP sim. Then Rapido asked if he offered me to other men and if I would like a threesome with both of them. I said that I don't think Wolfgang would like that. First, he prefers to share me with other women, not men. And second, even though he's aware that I have other lovers, I sense some jealousy when I mention them.
When I reiterated that Rapido has Alt#31 and Wolfgang has Alt#27, he said that I was his "slut". I was logged in as Opal, so I thought that he was claiming Opal. After all, he met me as Opal and Opal was his lover two years ago. But he replied, "you are mine ... all ... opal ... lea ... [Alt#31] ... and all".
The fact that he mentioned even my real life nickname took me aback. If he knew the names of my other alts, he probably would have mentioned them too. All I could say was "Querido! You have to share!"
As expected, Wolfgang said no to a threesome with Rapido. And he had already been trying to claim Opal and my sleeping alts even before Rapido said that. Just today, he confirmed that he is "quite possessive" with regards to Alt#32 and Alt#27. Then he added, "i m quite [possessive] with opal but she doesn't know ... ;) ... and with some [alts] i don't know ... ((meaning i don't remember the names))".
At least neither of them is forcing me to choose. After all, they both know how I do things in terms of relationships.
"i prefer he is your lover than another"
Before this femme-femme relationship, I saw Wolfgang maybe four times a week -- a few hours for three days and only an hour or so on Fridays. But even while we were negotiating/arguing about whether to start this F-F relationship, he had started to see me more often and for longer hours, even during days when I don't usually see him.
And the hours are getting longer and longer. Now, I usually see him twice a day. I'm with him during his entire workday. (It's a good thing he works for himself.) And often, I see him for a short while in the evening before he goes to bed. And if he couldn't be on the computer, there would be at least 15 emails back and forth during the day.
I hardly see Rapido anymore.
At one point, I thought that Rapido was upset with me because he didn't say good morning to me last weekend, as he usually did on Sunday mornings. I mentioned it to Wolfgang and he advised me to try to patch it up with Rapido. As he said, he didn't want me to have a desert around him.
Then during that conversation, he said, "selfishy.... i prefer he is your lover than another". I asked why. He replied, "because he takes less place in your soul than another could, i think ... that let me more place for my selfish person".
I laughed. Then I said, "You know, ... I am aware that if Impy didn't disappear, you and I would not have this."
He thought that wasn't a nice thing for me to say, but he misunderstood. I explained that he brought up the idea of F-F and being more involved after he found out that Impy had disappeared. He asked, "you think if he was still here i wouldn't go forward? wouldn't have advanced?" I said, "We would have stayed the same as before."
His reply was longer. "because [of] you ... i didn't felt shadow on me ... but you affect me ... so, i felt your love for him ... and so, maybe you are right ... it would have forbidden me to share what we do ... and would have keep idea of [female alt] or another alt from you".
He added, "i can't thank something which hurted you ... but i m happy how we are now".
a birthday gift
The sim where we set up our home had been attacked by griefers for a few days. Linden Lab already knew about the problem when I reported it. One day, we both logged in and we were sent to different infohubs because our home sim was offline. Because his alt was fully naked when he logged her out, she was naked when he logged her back in, and several men in that infohub propositioned her while he was looking for clothes to put on.
After I rescued her with a tp to another parcel, he RP'd being shocked. I just laughed and said that, now, he knows what women go through in SL. But he actually had experienced it even with his two other female alts.
A little later, he dressed her in a white mesh cocktail dress that he had just purchased. I said that it was beautiful and joked that she could wear it when we get married. Then the conversation became serious.
I had brought up the idea of partnering when we first created these alts. In my mind, it just made sense, since we created these alts only for each other. But he refused because he didn't like doing "conventional" practices. He preferred that we have symbols of our partnership that are different from symbols that other people used.
Well, needless to say, we argued again.
This time, however, he agreed because he said that, if it makes me happy, it would make him happy. He is aware of the sacrifices I made by going into an F-F relationship even though it really didn't bring me enjoyment. Therefore, in return, he was also making a sacrifice of doing something he doesn't particularly want.
I didn't want it in the spirit of a sacrifice, so I started to withdraw my request. Then he said that, in fact, I'd make him feel bad if I pull back, because it was as though I was rejecting his sacrifice because it wasn't good enough. I got pissed. It was manipulative behavior. But in the course of that conversation, the tables had switched. He wanted the partnership and I didn't. Suddenly, it felt like he was worried he's lose me if we didn't partner.
I told him I'd decide the next day.
I found a similar dress also in white but more like embroidered linen. (It seems to be a popular mesh base.) When he logged her in, we went to a dance in our white dresses and bare feet and flowers in our hair. Then I sent the proposal.
I don't want a sacrifice; I prefer a gift. So, ...He replied with "Yes I wish".
Will you be the best ever birthday gift I receive this year?
a) Yes!
b) Oui! Oui!
c) Yes! Yes! YES!
d) Oui! Oui! Oui! OUI!
e) Absolutely!!!
f) All of the above
In his five and a half years in SL, he had never had a place to call "home" and he had never partnered. Until now.
During our conversation afterwards, he discovered that I wasn't joking about it being my birthday. And, of course, we started arguing again, because I didn't tell him sooner that my birthday was coming up....
tracker redux
"Oh, I wished to say you something," he said a couple of days ago. "If you wish, I accept I am on your tracker."
I was stunned. We had a big fight about the tracker a long time ago and we never mentioned it again. But suddenly, he brought it up.
It didn't make sense to me to put his alt in my tracker. I know his schedule well by now. And he makes sure I know his availability and he even tells me exactly why he's not available. Before he logs in his alt to be with his sub, he tells me so I would know why he would be distracted.
But, for him, the tracker would be a symbol of exclusivity. He could easily know when I'm logged in anyway, because he could look on the SL website. And he could also map me. But he wanted the tracker and I couldn't understand why.
So I agreed to rewrite it so that both our alts would be tracked. It was only fair that, if I tracked when he logged his alt in, he should also be able to track when I logged my alt in. I also asked if he wanted me to add Opal to that tracker so he would know when I'm available, and he said no. His reason was that, when I logged in Alt#32, he knows that I was logged in only for him. But if Opal was logged it, I could be logged in for work or for Rapido or for someone else. And, besides, it would bother him to know that I'm logged in for someone else.
So, I rewrote the tracker and he gets an email when I log my alt in and I get an email when he logs his alt in. It's not really a matter of trust either, because I wrote the code. I could control when it sent him that email. I still don't see the practical reason for it, but it's a symbol for him. If he knew I logged in as Alt#32, he'd know that I was thinking of him and only him. And that knowledge pleases him. So, there.
packing the past
Since I was in coding mode, I figured I'd finish the script I was writing to detect objects that were around, including the owners, the positions and the rotations, so the objects could be put in rezzers and re-rezzed later. I had told Impy that I would do it for our home, but I never had the time. It wasn't a priority when he was here, and it was emotionally difficult to finish when he left.
But the countdown had ended.
So I finished the script, put together the inventory in a spreadsheet and started sending back the objects, one at a time. I did Opal's objects first, then Alt#24's objects. Then I sent an email to Impy with the spreadsheet first before I started returning his objects.
I didn't expect him to reply. It had been a long time since our last communication. More than a month. If he replied, I figured it would be a quick thank you and that would be the end of it.
He *did* reply. And it was much more than a quick thank you. He started with a heart-felt apology and continued with very sweet and very tender sentiments. I had kept my email as unemotional and matter-of-factly, but his reply brought the emotions back again. When he called me "mahal" in the end of the email, I lost it. I couldn't be impersonal anymore. It was a term of endearment from my own language that he had started to use before he left.
He said he would be back eventually, and he would let me know when he could log in more regularly. I didn't know how to respond to that. I want him to return, but, if and when he does, life would be very, very complicated.
Friday, October 05, 2012
Loving strangers
Last night, I watched the movie "Room in Rome". It's a Spanish-produced movie in English. Two women visiting Rome -- a Spanish mechanical engineer who came to Rome to exhibit her new invention, and a Russian doctoral student whose sister gave her the trip to Rome as a wedding gift. They met at a bar and spent their final night in Rome together. It's a very sensual, romantic, and sexual movie.
There were times when the acting felt contrived, and the blood in the bathtub scene was a bit over the top. But it was a beautiful movie anyway. And the theme song "Loving Strangers" by Jocelyn Pook (Russian Red) is charming.
I think it's the first lesbian movie I've watched. And after watching it, I understood why Wolfgang wanted us to do this scenario. It was more than a sexual roleplay; it was a tender romance that was very different even from his RL relationships because he is an alpha male.
We had been arguing again. I don't even remember how it started. We were just talking about our relationship and how we felt in it. I said that I still feel lost in the new femme-femme relationship. I explained that I know why I'm in the relationship but I don't know why he is. He also wanted me to fall in love with his female avatar's face so that I would feel the urge to kiss her as I see her. I kept insisting that I already feel the urge to kiss her because she is him, and that it has nothing to do with her beauty.
He was touchy. I was touchy. We weren't really listening to each other. We were feeling rejected by each other.
He wanted us to go back to Alt#27 and Wolfgang#3, our M-F pair. So, when we met again, I was waiting there for him. We danced and we talked.
Old issues kept coming up. I realized how deeply he was hurt, simply by the fact that I was uncomfortable with our F-F relationship. I realized that it was as though he had embedded his innermost self, his most vulnerable self in that female alt. And by rejecting her, I was rejecting his soul.
He compared me to a bulldozer going through a glass store, because I am blunt and direct with my words. And suddenly, I remembered Mr. October. I was hurting Wolfgang simply by being who I am, like I did with Mr. October six years ago. My initial urge was to just walk away, but there are more emotional entanglements in this relationship than in my relationship with Mr. October.
Because I met Wolfgang in a BDSM environment, I assumed that he was thick-skinned, that he wasn't easily fazed. He had several relationships and so did I. We were secure in ourselves. He was also emotionally distant and he warned me about not assuming anything about him, based on our RPs. So I chose to simply assume that I was the only one who feels love in this relationship, and that this was just sensual pleasure for him. I refused to assume he felt any affection for me because he never said so, even though he says there are many clues from how he behaves toward me.
I realized how hurt he was when he said that he wanted to destroy Wolfgang#6. This is the man who doesn't even like the idea of my alts being in hibernation because hibernation feels like death to him. I begged him not to destroy her. If he did, I would lose that door to his soul and I may never access it again.
At the end of our dance, he asked if I wanted a cuddle with our F-F pair before I went to bed. I agreed. So we logged into those alts and cuddled and talked, more tenderly this time. As we were saying goodnight, we talked about when we would meet again. He had some RL commitments and I told him to not worry about me. And that set off another argument.
"I don't worry about you," he said, "You are making me angry again... I wish to see you... You are not an obligation."
Then he said, "I have feeling for you... whatever you want to know or think."
I have feeling for you.
That was the closest he had come to saying he loves me. And he said it with frustration because I refuse to acknowledge that he really does or that he is happier with me than with anyone else. As he says, "Or else I not be here."
I'm beginning to realize how very vulnerable he allowed himself to be in this new relationship. I've hurt him twice in less than two weeks. And deeply. But he doesn't blame me, because he views it as a consequence of opening himself up.
At the same time, he also created this new relationship to protect me from himself, from his harshness, his bitterness, his "acid" nature, his armor.
I'm beginning to realize what I really mean to him.
There were times when the acting felt contrived, and the blood in the bathtub scene was a bit over the top. But it was a beautiful movie anyway. And the theme song "Loving Strangers" by Jocelyn Pook (Russian Red) is charming.
I think it's the first lesbian movie I've watched. And after watching it, I understood why Wolfgang wanted us to do this scenario. It was more than a sexual roleplay; it was a tender romance that was very different even from his RL relationships because he is an alpha male.
We had been arguing again. I don't even remember how it started. We were just talking about our relationship and how we felt in it. I said that I still feel lost in the new femme-femme relationship. I explained that I know why I'm in the relationship but I don't know why he is. He also wanted me to fall in love with his female avatar's face so that I would feel the urge to kiss her as I see her. I kept insisting that I already feel the urge to kiss her because she is him, and that it has nothing to do with her beauty.
He was touchy. I was touchy. We weren't really listening to each other. We were feeling rejected by each other.
He wanted us to go back to Alt#27 and Wolfgang#3, our M-F pair. So, when we met again, I was waiting there for him. We danced and we talked.
Old issues kept coming up. I realized how deeply he was hurt, simply by the fact that I was uncomfortable with our F-F relationship. I realized that it was as though he had embedded his innermost self, his most vulnerable self in that female alt. And by rejecting her, I was rejecting his soul.
He compared me to a bulldozer going through a glass store, because I am blunt and direct with my words. And suddenly, I remembered Mr. October. I was hurting Wolfgang simply by being who I am, like I did with Mr. October six years ago. My initial urge was to just walk away, but there are more emotional entanglements in this relationship than in my relationship with Mr. October.
Because I met Wolfgang in a BDSM environment, I assumed that he was thick-skinned, that he wasn't easily fazed. He had several relationships and so did I. We were secure in ourselves. He was also emotionally distant and he warned me about not assuming anything about him, based on our RPs. So I chose to simply assume that I was the only one who feels love in this relationship, and that this was just sensual pleasure for him. I refused to assume he felt any affection for me because he never said so, even though he says there are many clues from how he behaves toward me.
I realized how hurt he was when he said that he wanted to destroy Wolfgang#6. This is the man who doesn't even like the idea of my alts being in hibernation because hibernation feels like death to him. I begged him not to destroy her. If he did, I would lose that door to his soul and I may never access it again.
At the end of our dance, he asked if I wanted a cuddle with our F-F pair before I went to bed. I agreed. So we logged into those alts and cuddled and talked, more tenderly this time. As we were saying goodnight, we talked about when we would meet again. He had some RL commitments and I told him to not worry about me. And that set off another argument.
"I don't worry about you," he said, "You are making me angry again... I wish to see you... You are not an obligation."
Then he said, "I have feeling for you... whatever you want to know or think."
I have feeling for you.
That was the closest he had come to saying he loves me. And he said it with frustration because I refuse to acknowledge that he really does or that he is happier with me than with anyone else. As he says, "Or else I not be here."
I'm beginning to realize how very vulnerable he allowed himself to be in this new relationship. I've hurt him twice in less than two weeks. And deeply. But he doesn't blame me, because he views it as a consequence of opening himself up.
At the same time, he also created this new relationship to protect me from himself, from his harshness, his bitterness, his "acid" nature, his armor.
I'm beginning to realize what I really mean to him.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Eight reasons
He wanted a femme-femme relationship, not just a sexual one, but a deeply emotional romantic one. He knows I'm not bisexual. I suggested that he ask his other lovers, since we're not exclusive, but he specifically wanted it with me. So, I asked, "Why me?"
We had been having this discussion for days. At one point, he had an epiphany about how differently we react to our relationship. Because I love him, I wanted Wolfgang#3 only to myself and not share him. Because he loves me (of course, he still didn't explicitly say so), he wanted to share Alt#27 with his other alts.
He had one specific female alt in mind. And he wanted to share Alt#27 with her.
He had never done this type of relationship with another. He had a sub as that female alt, but it wasn't satisfying to him. He never had a female-female relationship where both are equals, and that's what he wants to experience.
Finally (and reluctantly), I agreed ... but on my own terms. I didn't want to lose the exclusivity between Wolfgang#3 and Alt#27. And I wasn't comfortable with that particular female alt because there's an uncomfortable "history" between us during our old RP. Besides, there was still that risk that his stalker would discover us.
So I suggested using entirely new alts. So, Alt#32 and Wolfgang#6 were born.
I must say that his general demeanor through this alt is much more tender, sweeter, less restrictive. I took the lead in this relationship, mostly because we were fixing up our avatars and shopping as a female was my domain.
But, it's only been a few days, and we've already had a big fight. I couldn't relate to him through his alt. It felt as though I was conversing with the RL him in IM while some female bot was cuddling with me.
We were in the middle of a seduction the day of that fight. At some point during that seduction, an old issue came up and I stopped. He was disappointed. I became quiet and he continued to explain, as I'm sure he sensed me distancing myself. But his continued explanations felt more like an incessant attack. So I blurted out that I hated Wolfgang#6.
He was hurt. She represented his more tender inner self, and he felt that I rejected that part of him. But, to me, she wasn't him at all; she was competition. Because he created her, I saw her as his ideal of what a woman should be. We have very different styles. I even told him that she (his alt) looked like a sophisticated and cultured cosmopolitan woman, while my alt looked like an earthy California hippie love child.
Anyway, when I felt that I disappointed him, I blamed it on "her". But I felt sorry after I realized I was bringing up my own childhood issues -- the sibling rivalries with my sisters, the sense of not being good enough because I was being compared with them.
And I also realized why these issues are coming up with him. I had been (and now am) in situations with him where I really didn't know what to do or how to behave, because I was new to those situations. First, BDSM and then this. So, my brain brings up situations from my past that were similar in one sense or another to give me some context. And the psychological issues also come with those memories.
In our past arguments, he would respond with anger. He even admitted that anger was the only emotion he expressed. But this time, he expressed deep sadness. That in itself melted my heart, so I stopped the fight and apologized.
So we reconciled that same day and, somehow, we feel so much closer faster than ever. He had made himself vulnerable to me, and because of that, I feel more protective over him.
I never thought I'd be comfortable with this. I thought it would just be a short experiment and we'd go back to the way we were. Just a few days ago, I'm pretty sure I felt exactly what little boys felt about kissing little girls, like "Ewwwwww! She has cooties!" And, yet, in the past 24 hours, we had made love twice. And we rarely made love before.
I told him that I won't do this with anyone else. He said he wouldn't either. It wasn't my nature and it wasn't his. So this relationship is something unique to each of us and to both of us.
He was surprised that I actually enjoyed the lovemaking. So was I. But it wasn't because his avatar is a female. I still try to suppress that "ewww" feeling. But I can RP the lovemaking well because I know how I want to be made love to, so I simply describe that. And most importantly, it's because I know it's ultimately him in the back end.
It was something I myself told him that made me realize why my perspective changed. I said, "I will love you in any form you take. Even if it takes me a while to learn how to."
If he chose a dragon avatar or a furry or a tiny or an elf or a drow or a minotaur, it wouldn't be so hard to love him that way. So why then is it so hard to love him as a human female? Am I really the type of person who is so stuck on societal prejudices and stereotypes, even with someone I love?
I am grateful he asked for this. I am getting a better sense of his inner world through this new relationship. But we're not giving up the old one. Now, it feels like this new "relationship" with these new alts is just one subset of our relationship, like a small bubble inside a bigger bubble.
And if this is the only door to his soul, then I'm gladly walking in.
Wolfgang#3: first because you have some love for me, and would be supposed to love me [through] her
Alt#27: ...?
Wolfgang#3: ah you wait [for a] second lol
Alt#27: lol
Alt#27: You said "first"! So I expect there's more.
Wolfgang#3: second because i was sure you d like my gentle and soft parts
Wolfgang#3: third because you like rp too
Wolfgang#3: 4th because a female is always in competition ... with another, and would not have been like that with me as i m not a female
Wolfgang#3: 5th because you like aesthetic as much as me
Wolfgang#3: 6th because you like explore things, and parallel behaviours that only sl [allow us to] do
Wolfgang#3: 7th to enjoy my nature [appeased]
Wolfgang#3: 8th because all the other numbers could let you be in love with her [as with Wolfgang#3]
Wolfgang#3: i probably forget a few other reasons lol
We had been having this discussion for days. At one point, he had an epiphany about how differently we react to our relationship. Because I love him, I wanted Wolfgang#3 only to myself and not share him. Because he loves me (of course, he still didn't explicitly say so), he wanted to share Alt#27 with his other alts.
He had one specific female alt in mind. And he wanted to share Alt#27 with her.
He had never done this type of relationship with another. He had a sub as that female alt, but it wasn't satisfying to him. He never had a female-female relationship where both are equals, and that's what he wants to experience.
Finally (and reluctantly), I agreed ... but on my own terms. I didn't want to lose the exclusivity between Wolfgang#3 and Alt#27. And I wasn't comfortable with that particular female alt because there's an uncomfortable "history" between us during our old RP. Besides, there was still that risk that his stalker would discover us.
So I suggested using entirely new alts. So, Alt#32 and Wolfgang#6 were born.
I must say that his general demeanor through this alt is much more tender, sweeter, less restrictive. I took the lead in this relationship, mostly because we were fixing up our avatars and shopping as a female was my domain.
But, it's only been a few days, and we've already had a big fight. I couldn't relate to him through his alt. It felt as though I was conversing with the RL him in IM while some female bot was cuddling with me.
We were in the middle of a seduction the day of that fight. At some point during that seduction, an old issue came up and I stopped. He was disappointed. I became quiet and he continued to explain, as I'm sure he sensed me distancing myself. But his continued explanations felt more like an incessant attack. So I blurted out that I hated Wolfgang#6.
He was hurt. She represented his more tender inner self, and he felt that I rejected that part of him. But, to me, she wasn't him at all; she was competition. Because he created her, I saw her as his ideal of what a woman should be. We have very different styles. I even told him that she (his alt) looked like a sophisticated and cultured cosmopolitan woman, while my alt looked like an earthy California hippie love child.
Anyway, when I felt that I disappointed him, I blamed it on "her". But I felt sorry after I realized I was bringing up my own childhood issues -- the sibling rivalries with my sisters, the sense of not being good enough because I was being compared with them.
And I also realized why these issues are coming up with him. I had been (and now am) in situations with him where I really didn't know what to do or how to behave, because I was new to those situations. First, BDSM and then this. So, my brain brings up situations from my past that were similar in one sense or another to give me some context. And the psychological issues also come with those memories.
In our past arguments, he would respond with anger. He even admitted that anger was the only emotion he expressed. But this time, he expressed deep sadness. That in itself melted my heart, so I stopped the fight and apologized.
So we reconciled that same day and, somehow, we feel so much closer faster than ever. He had made himself vulnerable to me, and because of that, I feel more protective over him.
I never thought I'd be comfortable with this. I thought it would just be a short experiment and we'd go back to the way we were. Just a few days ago, I'm pretty sure I felt exactly what little boys felt about kissing little girls, like "Ewwwwww! She has cooties!" And, yet, in the past 24 hours, we had made love twice. And we rarely made love before.
I told him that I won't do this with anyone else. He said he wouldn't either. It wasn't my nature and it wasn't his. So this relationship is something unique to each of us and to both of us.
He was surprised that I actually enjoyed the lovemaking. So was I. But it wasn't because his avatar is a female. I still try to suppress that "ewww" feeling. But I can RP the lovemaking well because I know how I want to be made love to, so I simply describe that. And most importantly, it's because I know it's ultimately him in the back end.
It was something I myself told him that made me realize why my perspective changed. I said, "I will love you in any form you take. Even if it takes me a while to learn how to."
If he chose a dragon avatar or a furry or a tiny or an elf or a drow or a minotaur, it wouldn't be so hard to love him that way. So why then is it so hard to love him as a human female? Am I really the type of person who is so stuck on societal prejudices and stereotypes, even with someone I love?
I am grateful he asked for this. I am getting a better sense of his inner world through this new relationship. But we're not giving up the old one. Now, it feels like this new "relationship" with these new alts is just one subset of our relationship, like a small bubble inside a bigger bubble.
And if this is the only door to his soul, then I'm gladly walking in.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
More involvement
Updates
Sometimes, you think you're recovering nicely, then suddenly some random thing, some random phrase, some random piece of music sends you sobbing again. I probably should start packing the home I shared with Impy, but the pain is still too fresh for me to even go there.
Meanwhile, mfpwtff has been on email with me lately, asking me to review his personal ad profile and asking for my thoughts on things in his RL. We've always had a wonderful friendship. I relied on him for a hug and a chat on many occasions when I've been heartbroken. Now, it's my turn to be there for him as he gets back on his feet after his divorce. If only all my relationships end up like this, life would be good.
A close call
I haven't had much time for Rapido, nor he for me because he's going on a trip soon. We've been taking our alts out (Alt#31 and Rapido#2) and doing multiples. We've even tried to do a little bit of RP between ourselves. Of course, the focus is still on sex.
However, I had a bit of a scare once when we were at a public sex place. We were in a room in a castle when another couple came into the same room and used the bed. Rapido, thinking it would be more exciting to do multiple, asked the guy if they wanted to join us. The guy seemed to be all for it, but he said that his girl was too shy and would probably not agree. Whew!
I have this "rule" that if someone who knows me from one alt approaches another of my alts by accident, I would admit that they know me. I've only had to make good on that promise twice -- Impy was the second one.
And the guy that Rapido was inviting to join us in a foursome, well, ... he was once an admirer of Alt#11.
More involvement
When Wolfgang found out that I lost Impy, he simply made a comment about how fast relationships don't last. That was it. We were just chatting about the state of his relationships and how many he had left.
Then, the other day, he came in outside his usual time, so I tp'd him for a hug. Then he said he had to say hello to one of his former subs, the same one who was jealous of my name in his profile. She had just logged in. So I released him from the hug, thinking that he had to tp away. But he didn't.
He remained there, with his LookAt crosshairs on Opal. He noticed that Opal has the same feet as Alt#27. I said, yes, but Alt#27 has the mesh version and Opal has the sculpt version.
"She is beautiful," he said, referring to Alt#27. "But I didn't lose hope to make you mine someday too."
Whoa!
That started a long conversation that is still unresolved. It wove in and out, as I tried to figure out exactly what he wanted.
He likes watching female-female scenarios. We tried it with one of his female alts, but it didn't feel right for me, so he aborted it, even though I was willing to go through it. I wondered if it would feel more comfortable if both females were my alts. He wasn't enthusiastic about the idea before, because he felt that I would still be doing something that I don't particularly enjoy.
But, now, he seems to be revisiting the idea.
I thought that if he just wanted a sex RP, I could use Alt#6. He refused. He said that she "belongs" to everybody and he doesn't want emotionless hard sex. "i prefer more intimate relationships," he said. I offered Alt#4, but he wants more than just RP. I offered other alts that I don't use, and he said he'd like all of them.
His idea was to resurrect my sleeping alts, because he never liked the idea of putting avatars to sleep. He puts so much of himself in his own alts, and he shivered at the idea that Alt#27 would be put to sleep if our relationship ended. He feels it's like real death. Of course, I objected that he shouldn't care what I do with her if he doesn't care about her anymore.
He said it was just a simple idea to pull my free alts into a "family." He agrees that Opal would be more complicated because Opal is no longer anonymous, although he somewhat expressed a preference for Opal because she is the most "me" of all my alts.
To be honest, the whole thing was a big surprise. He thinks it's no big deal. But it seems that his idea of where we are is different from my idea of where we are. I gave him the metaphor of a range from 0 to 10, where 0 means we are not involved, and 10 means we're married. It seemed like (and these are random numbers) he thinks we're at 3 and he wants to go to 4. Meanwhile, I think we're at 1, so it's a big jump from 1 to 4. So, to him, his idea wasn't a big request. But, to me, I'd have to rearrange my whole SL.
Last night, he logged in one of his female alts to give me a gift. He had bought some nylons for me through her. And, he started RPing as her, while I tried out the different colors. And the conversation was very eye-opening. Through the mask of a female alt, he spoke more freely. He noticed I was calmer too. And through that female alt, I gained a better understanding of a man who has been mostly a mystery to me.
And this past week, I'm beginning to see that we really are closer to "3" than to "1". And I'm beginning to understand what I really mean to him.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The final countdown
Almost two years ago, on the second day I met Spot, he and I had a very bad argument about trust. It was more than an argument; it was a real fight.
We stopped talking to each other after that, and not in good terms either. Then three months later, he sent me a notecard saying that he was leaving SL, but that he had hoped we'd have a correspondence by email because I was one of the few "different" people that he had met during his years in SL.
That invitation was very unexpected. What's even more surprising is that he's one of my closest friends in SL now. (No, we were never lovers.) Maybe the arguments themselves strengthen the relationship, because you air things out, because you know where you stand, because you discuss things, instead of allowing the resentment to simmer.
Anyway, during that argument, he said, "people in relationships [fight] to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."
He's right. It's so much easier to walk away.
I've had my share of arguments. Some lovers even claim that I enjoy arguing. But sometimes, you have no other choice except to walk away.
Sometimes, there's really nothing to argue for. Sometimes, you have to admit that maybe that was all it was meant to be. No matter how wonderful the relationship was. No matter how special it seemed. No matter how much that realization hurts.
Sometimes, you have no right to fight for what you want, if getting what you want means you'd be putting your lover's happiness and well-being at risk. Because he made previous commitments. Because he has higher priorities.
"If you love something, set it free."
Impy used to do a countdown before he said goodnight. It was a wonderful technique that soothed my abandonment issues. They also say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Since he's not here, I suppose I'd have to do it.
So, here we go...
3...
We stopped talking to each other after that, and not in good terms either. Then three months later, he sent me a notecard saying that he was leaving SL, but that he had hoped we'd have a correspondence by email because I was one of the few "different" people that he had met during his years in SL.
That invitation was very unexpected. What's even more surprising is that he's one of my closest friends in SL now. (No, we were never lovers.) Maybe the arguments themselves strengthen the relationship, because you air things out, because you know where you stand, because you discuss things, instead of allowing the resentment to simmer.
Anyway, during that argument, he said, "people in relationships [fight] to *keep* the relationship... it's so much easier to walk away."
He's right. It's so much easier to walk away.
I've had my share of arguments. Some lovers even claim that I enjoy arguing. But sometimes, you have no other choice except to walk away.
Sometimes, there's really nothing to argue for. Sometimes, you have to admit that maybe that was all it was meant to be. No matter how wonderful the relationship was. No matter how special it seemed. No matter how much that realization hurts.
Sometimes, you have no right to fight for what you want, if getting what you want means you'd be putting your lover's happiness and well-being at risk. Because he made previous commitments. Because he has higher priorities.
"If you love something, set it free."
Impy used to do a countdown before he said goodnight. It was a wonderful technique that soothed my abandonment issues. They also say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. Since he's not here, I suppose I'd have to do it.
So, here we go...
3...
Friday, September 07, 2012
A mother's lap
My middle sister is only a year younger than I. A year and twelve days, to be exact. So, I was only about three months old when she was conceived. And I wasn't even a year old when my mom pushed me off her lap, because her belly was too big and I posed a risk to the fetus when I tried to climb over her belly for a hug.
I was hurt. I felt rejected. Her lap wasn't my place anymore. Her pregnant belly -- and later, my sister -- occupied it.
I vaguely remember this, of course. I think it was my grandmother or my mom who told this story. But I remember wrapping my arms around my dad's neck for solace and looking back at my mom with resentment, feeling the pain of rejection without understanding why. I became so jealous that I refused to come near her for a long time.
Each of us have our lists of priorities. I understand that. Each of us shift our priorities depending on changes in circumstances. I understand that too. And sometimes, the lap, that was once our favorite place in the world, can no longer accommodate us, because something else -- or someone else -- now occupies it. And rightfully so. But it hurts anyway.
There's no room at the inn. There's no room on a mother's lap. There's no room in a lover's daily life.
I was hurt. I felt rejected. Her lap wasn't my place anymore. Her pregnant belly -- and later, my sister -- occupied it.
I vaguely remember this, of course. I think it was my grandmother or my mom who told this story. But I remember wrapping my arms around my dad's neck for solace and looking back at my mom with resentment, feeling the pain of rejection without understanding why. I became so jealous that I refused to come near her for a long time.
Each of us have our lists of priorities. I understand that. Each of us shift our priorities depending on changes in circumstances. I understand that too. And sometimes, the lap, that was once our favorite place in the world, can no longer accommodate us, because something else -- or someone else -- now occupies it. And rightfully so. But it hurts anyway.
There's no room at the inn. There's no room on a mother's lap. There's no room in a lover's daily life.
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Six
Six years in Second Life
60,000+ items in my inventory (And lots of them are boxed!)
336 avatars in my friends list
36,000+ in my L$ balance
The past six years have certainly been the most intense and most interesting part of my life. The past six years have changed my life. My world has expanded exponentially in more ways than one.
I've hidden my virtual life from the public during the first four years or so for fear of being judged. But now, I stand vulnerable and exposed to the world through my book.
Where I'll be another six years from now, who knows. But I'm pretty sure I'll still be living in a virtual world somewhere.
In other news, ...
I just released the first episode of the new talk show "Talk, Like Dim Sum" which is based on the book.
It felt like I have been guided throughout this project. Even though it wasn't easy, it felt as though there were an unseen hand helping me get this done in such a short time, from conception of the idea to the release of the first episode.
My brain is too tired now, but soon I'll have time to sit down and examine how things just fell into place.
Meanwhile, ...
Wolfgang has been on vacation for a few weeks now, so I haven't seen him inworld. His internet connection is so bad, that even Radegast crashes. He emails me when he can. And I'm experiencing a different side of him. He's more lighthearted than I originally thought. He makes more jokes. He is more playful.
Maybe it's because, when I usually meet with him, he's at work so he is distracted and more serious. Now that he's on vacation, he's more relaxed and that affects his interactions with me.
Because he's gone, I get more work done during the early morning hours which is when I usually meet with him.
And I also get more time to spend with Rapido, who is usually in during the early mornings. Although, he is usually already dancing with someone else by the time I log in.
We have new alts but we've never really spent time to fix them up. Mine has one outfit. The same one she was born with. :D But he wants her to be chubby so I have to figure out what outfits work with a chubby shape. (I already have that problem in real life, why do I have to have the same problem in SL?!?)
Meanwhile, Impy and I have a little crisis. His RL leaves him with no time to come into SL anymore. Even his emails are a lot fewer than usual. I thought I was losing him. I was panicking. Lack of time is the most common reason my lovers leave SL. I saw the same thing happening again. But he assures me it's not the case. He thinks that the crisis will pass and that he'll be able to come in more often again.
To be honest, I don't know. I've seen this happen too many times. When push comes to shove, I fall off my lovers' priority lists. And I understand. On the other hand, the circumstances of how I met Impy was strangely synchronous that it feels like this relationship is meant to be something more than a passing romance. That's why I don't know. Meanwhile, I am grateful for each day. Each email. Each typed kiss. Each imagined touch.
I've been through this many times before. It still isn't easy.
60,000+ items in my inventory (And lots of them are boxed!)
336 avatars in my friends list
36,000+ in my L$ balance
The past six years have certainly been the most intense and most interesting part of my life. The past six years have changed my life. My world has expanded exponentially in more ways than one.
I've hidden my virtual life from the public during the first four years or so for fear of being judged. But now, I stand vulnerable and exposed to the world through my book.
Where I'll be another six years from now, who knows. But I'm pretty sure I'll still be living in a virtual world somewhere.
In other news, ...
I just released the first episode of the new talk show "Talk, Like Dim Sum" which is based on the book.
It felt like I have been guided throughout this project. Even though it wasn't easy, it felt as though there were an unseen hand helping me get this done in such a short time, from conception of the idea to the release of the first episode.
My brain is too tired now, but soon I'll have time to sit down and examine how things just fell into place.
Meanwhile, ...
Wolfgang has been on vacation for a few weeks now, so I haven't seen him inworld. His internet connection is so bad, that even Radegast crashes. He emails me when he can. And I'm experiencing a different side of him. He's more lighthearted than I originally thought. He makes more jokes. He is more playful.
Maybe it's because, when I usually meet with him, he's at work so he is distracted and more serious. Now that he's on vacation, he's more relaxed and that affects his interactions with me.
Because he's gone, I get more work done during the early morning hours which is when I usually meet with him.
And I also get more time to spend with Rapido, who is usually in during the early mornings. Although, he is usually already dancing with someone else by the time I log in.
We have new alts but we've never really spent time to fix them up. Mine has one outfit. The same one she was born with. :D But he wants her to be chubby so I have to figure out what outfits work with a chubby shape. (I already have that problem in real life, why do I have to have the same problem in SL?!?)
Meanwhile, Impy and I have a little crisis. His RL leaves him with no time to come into SL anymore. Even his emails are a lot fewer than usual. I thought I was losing him. I was panicking. Lack of time is the most common reason my lovers leave SL. I saw the same thing happening again. But he assures me it's not the case. He thinks that the crisis will pass and that he'll be able to come in more often again.
To be honest, I don't know. I've seen this happen too many times. When push comes to shove, I fall off my lovers' priority lists. And I understand. On the other hand, the circumstances of how I met Impy was strangely synchronous that it feels like this relationship is meant to be something more than a passing romance. That's why I don't know. Meanwhile, I am grateful for each day. Each email. Each typed kiss. Each imagined touch.
I've been through this many times before. It still isn't easy.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
97 exclamation points
Three "I love it"'s. Four OMG's. Ninety-seven exclamation points.
I love how expressive the man is. :D Every woman should have a big fan like him.
I had sent him a video I filmed a couple of weeks ago (but processed only last night) with Alt#24 doing a belly dance using one of Torley's Big Sun windlight settings.
It's a private video because it's a gift for him. (No, Alt#24 was not naked.) But I'll ask him if he's okay with me re-posting it here.
(He said yes, I can re-post it here, but I have to find music that works well with it, without using YouTube's music.)
I love how expressive the man is. :D Every woman should have a big fan like him.
I had sent him a video I filmed a couple of weeks ago (but processed only last night) with Alt#24 doing a belly dance using one of Torley's Big Sun windlight settings.
It's a private video because it's a gift for him. (No, Alt#24 was not naked.) But I'll ask him if he's okay with me re-posting it here.
(He said yes, I can re-post it here, but I have to find music that works well with it, without using YouTube's music.)
Saturday, August 04, 2012
Boundaries again
Last night was odd.
A lover came in very early. That in itself was odd. He was already dressed formally, so I suggested that we meet at Frank's for a dance, while at the same time he asked if I wanted sex. So we decided to go to Frank's to have sex. (I'm kidding.) I asked for five minutes to change and he went ahead.
Sometimes, I wonder if there really weren't these Olympian gods looking down on humanity and playing tricks with us.
Then I sent him the first two lines of our first and last conversation. And I told him the date was Jan 1, 2011.
Well, at least, he's more polite now.
Maybe he'll buy my book and realize that I actually used him as an example of what not to do.
My date rescued me from the stubbornly immobile wall by teleporting me to where he was, but I still couldn't see his avatar. Just his yellow dot on the mini-map. Then his dot moved towards the dance floor and we continued to talk in IM. Then I crashed again.
When I logged back in, I received an offline from him saying he was waiting to dance with me. The yellow dot on my mini-map was gone and I asked him where he was. Then he said, "i was waiting for you for dance and other woman sit in your place."
Apparently, he had summoned the dance balls and was sitting on the blue ball already, then he saw me crash, so he took the opportunity to go AFK while waiting for me to get back. When he got back to his desk, this woman was already on the pink ball, dancing with him.
And he couldn't tell her that he was waiting for someone, because he thought that it would be rude towards her. He apologized to me (and I sensed that he was sincere) and he reiterated that he really wanted to dance with me. I told him that, by the same gesture of avoiding being rude to her, he was being rude to me.
It was at this point, a full fifteen minutes since he teleported me to his position, that he (and she) finally rezzed for me.
I don't mind that he dances with other women; we're not exclusive. What I minded was that I wasted all that time changing clothes, teleporting to Frank's, fighting the lag, crashing a few times, and for what? I wasn't even very pissed. Just very irritated for wasting that time.
So I told him I'd leave them alone and wished him to "have fun."
Less than a minute later, he was inviting me to join him on the dance floor. He finally told the other woman that his lover arrived and I'm sure *she* got pissed, but she wasn't there when I looked again.
I don't know if she remained at Frank's or if she decided to leave, but I decided he and I had to go elsewhere so she wouldn't be embarrassed publicly.
I'm sure there's a lot of "lessons" in just that one incident.
She shouldn't have assumed that he's not with someone, just because he's dancing alone for several minutes. A quick IM asking, "Are you waiting for a friend or are you looking for a dance partner?" would have been sufficient. It's not the bargain sale at your local department store. You don't have to jump on anyone who seems available for fear that someone else will grab him.
He should have been more firm with her. He could have easily told her, "I'm sorry, I'm not really available. I was waiting for a friend to relog and rez. Maybe you and I could dance another time, if you'd accept my friendship." But, he's not that articulate with the English language either. Besides, we all come from different cultures and we were all brought up differently, and I know that he comes from a culture that is concerned with politeness and diplomacy. I also understand that he probably wanted to preserve the possibility that she would dance with him again in the future. After all, he thought that she was nice too.
And what should *I* have done? I should have skipped Frank's entirely and just had sex with him. I would have avoided all that weirdness. ;) On the other hand, I wouldn't have had anything to blog about, would I?
Who knows if it's good or bad? ;)
A lover came in very early. That in itself was odd. He was already dressed formally, so I suggested that we meet at Frank's for a dance, while at the same time he asked if I wanted sex. So we decided to go to Frank's to have sex. (I'm kidding.) I asked for five minutes to change and he went ahead.
Not again!
When I arrived at Frank's landing point, I crashed. Of course. And when I relogged, I got this IM:[2012/08/03 23:13:44] Flirt Sorciere: Excuse me for asking such a strange Q, but have we ever talked before, to the best of your knowledge? I lost all my chat histories in the most-recent forced-"upgrade" of SL...
Sometimes, I wonder if there really weren't these Olympian gods looking down on humanity and playing tricks with us.
[2012/08/03 23:14:58] Opal Lei: In fact, we have, and not in a good way.
Then I sent him the first two lines of our first and last conversation. And I told him the date was Jan 1, 2011.
[2012/08/03 23:15:57] Flirt Sorciere: Thank you for the information.
[2012/08/03 23:16:03] Opal Lei: Sure.
Well, at least, he's more polite now.
Maybe he'll buy my book and realize that I actually used him as an example of what not to do.
Rudeness to whom?
It still took me a long time to rez things. I went up the stairs and realized that Frank's had been renovated since I last went here and I didn't know where to go. In fact, I was bumping on a wall that I couldn't see.My date rescued me from the stubbornly immobile wall by teleporting me to where he was, but I still couldn't see his avatar. Just his yellow dot on the mini-map. Then his dot moved towards the dance floor and we continued to talk in IM. Then I crashed again.
When I logged back in, I received an offline from him saying he was waiting to dance with me. The yellow dot on my mini-map was gone and I asked him where he was. Then he said, "i was waiting for you for dance and other woman sit in your place."
Apparently, he had summoned the dance balls and was sitting on the blue ball already, then he saw me crash, so he took the opportunity to go AFK while waiting for me to get back. When he got back to his desk, this woman was already on the pink ball, dancing with him.
And he couldn't tell her that he was waiting for someone, because he thought that it would be rude towards her. He apologized to me (and I sensed that he was sincere) and he reiterated that he really wanted to dance with me. I told him that, by the same gesture of avoiding being rude to her, he was being rude to me.
It was at this point, a full fifteen minutes since he teleported me to his position, that he (and she) finally rezzed for me.
I don't mind that he dances with other women; we're not exclusive. What I minded was that I wasted all that time changing clothes, teleporting to Frank's, fighting the lag, crashing a few times, and for what? I wasn't even very pissed. Just very irritated for wasting that time.
So I told him I'd leave them alone and wished him to "have fun."
Less than a minute later, he was inviting me to join him on the dance floor. He finally told the other woman that his lover arrived and I'm sure *she* got pissed, but she wasn't there when I looked again.
I don't know if she remained at Frank's or if she decided to leave, but I decided he and I had to go elsewhere so she wouldn't be embarrassed publicly.
Shoulda, woulda, coulda
I'm sure there's a lot of "lessons" in just that one incident.
She shouldn't have assumed that he's not with someone, just because he's dancing alone for several minutes. A quick IM asking, "Are you waiting for a friend or are you looking for a dance partner?" would have been sufficient. It's not the bargain sale at your local department store. You don't have to jump on anyone who seems available for fear that someone else will grab him.
He should have been more firm with her. He could have easily told her, "I'm sorry, I'm not really available. I was waiting for a friend to relog and rez. Maybe you and I could dance another time, if you'd accept my friendship." But, he's not that articulate with the English language either. Besides, we all come from different cultures and we were all brought up differently, and I know that he comes from a culture that is concerned with politeness and diplomacy. I also understand that he probably wanted to preserve the possibility that she would dance with him again in the future. After all, he thought that she was nice too.
And what should *I* have done? I should have skipped Frank's entirely and just had sex with him. I would have avoided all that weirdness. ;) On the other hand, I wouldn't have had anything to blog about, would I?
Who knows if it's good or bad? ;)
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Ah, August again
August 2006 - My life changed when I joined Second Life.
August 2007 - My life changed when I launched Mer Betta.
August 2008 - My life changed when I joined MODA as a fashion model.
August 2009 - My life changed when I met Second Life friends at the SLCC in San Francisco, the event that started the unraveling of Opal's anonymity.
August 2010 - My life changed when I started dabbling on internet marketing.
August 2011 - My life changed when I got engaged and then disengaged and, in the process, lost someone else (not the one I got engaged to) who was very important to me, but it made me realize that maybe I am more open to a real-life relationship than I thought.
August 2012 - My life is probably going to change again, because I have a book out and I'm about to start a talk show related to the book.
But, maybe, August has been a significant month, long before I first logged into Second Life. My maternal grandmother, the only natural grandparent I really knew, was born in August. My paternal uncle who helped raised me and my sisters was born in August. My parents were married in August. And, maybe my life also changed in August 1971, except I didn't realize it until this year.
August 2007 - My life changed when I launched Mer Betta.
August 2008 - My life changed when I joined MODA as a fashion model.
August 2009 - My life changed when I met Second Life friends at the SLCC in San Francisco, the event that started the unraveling of Opal's anonymity.
August 2010 - My life changed when I started dabbling on internet marketing.
August 2011 - My life changed when I got engaged and then disengaged and, in the process, lost someone else (not the one I got engaged to) who was very important to me, but it made me realize that maybe I am more open to a real-life relationship than I thought.
August 2012 - My life is probably going to change again, because I have a book out and I'm about to start a talk show related to the book.
But, maybe, August has been a significant month, long before I first logged into Second Life. My maternal grandmother, the only natural grandparent I really knew, was born in August. My paternal uncle who helped raised me and my sisters was born in August. My parents were married in August. And, maybe my life also changed in August 1971, except I didn't realize it until this year.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
"you complete me"
"you complete me and i really need you"
That's what Impy said today. He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails. Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice. Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.
I figured he was fading away. Real life was pulling him away. That's how most of my relationships end. I was expecting the worst. My heart was breaking.
But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming. He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.
I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises. I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.
He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago. It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang. I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied. And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody. I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.
Honestly, I am overwhelmed. The man fills my cup to overflowing.
This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot. But our relationship is more stable this past week.
The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to. But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel. Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM. He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.
The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.
Something strange happened last Thursday though. He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work. Then he got naked. And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness. Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words). So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.
It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness. It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long. He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.
Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again. I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god! The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish. This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.
Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL. I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.
Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend. Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities. :)
That's what Impy said today. He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails. Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice. Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.
I figured he was fading away. Real life was pulling him away. That's how most of my relationships end. I was expecting the worst. My heart was breaking.
But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming. He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.
I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises. I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.
He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago. It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang. I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied. And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody. I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.
Honestly, I am overwhelmed. The man fills my cup to overflowing.
This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot. But our relationship is more stable this past week.
The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to. But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel. Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM. He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.
The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.
Something strange happened last Thursday though. He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work. Then he got naked. And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness. Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words). So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.
It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness. It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long. He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.
Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again. I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god! The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish. This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.
Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL. I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.
Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend. Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities. :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
Ain't no sunshine
I was entertaining an out-of-town friend this weekend. When I told Impy that I couldn't meet with him Saturday because of that, I sensed disappointment in the very brief pause.
So when he sent me this link (which I saw on Saturday evening), of course, my heart melted.
When I came back Sunday night, I got two surprise gifts from him. I was stunned.
We had talked about going public with our relationship, but I'm having second thoughts now. If everybody knew who the wonderful Impy is, some women out there (or men in female avatars) might try to steal him away. Do I want that risk? ;)
So when he sent me this link (which I saw on Saturday evening), of course, my heart melted.
When I came back Sunday night, I got two surprise gifts from him. I was stunned.
We had talked about going public with our relationship, but I'm having second thoughts now. If everybody knew who the wonderful Impy is, some women out there (or men in female avatars) might try to steal him away. Do I want that risk? ;)
The power of little things
Last Friday, I met with Wolfgang briefly for a hug. I decided to end the timeout after a week. I still had no resolution, but I knew that I couldn't solve it alone.
Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it. It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse. We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week. I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again. I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one. He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.
He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing. I thought he'd be back in about an hour. So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on. While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed. If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.
A lot of things went through my head. Was there really no solution to this? He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.
It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile. And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me. But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal. But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant. And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.
When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were. (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.) His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.
So, we continued our conversation. Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex. I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex. As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl. I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past. After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning. I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not." So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things. But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.
It's all symbols
We again discussed the issue of him claiming me. When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his. And we talked about what indicates a claim.
The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with. Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me. Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.
To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession. But I didn't quite understand why.
I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people. Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time. It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific. The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word. It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.
However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic. He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd. And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either. It was just something different to try for fun. So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.
I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols. After all, we were both very independent people. Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined? And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.
I realized that even his alt is a symbol. In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols. (That's another book idea right there.) Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.
Adding the "h"
He asked what we should do. I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea. He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM. Then he joked...
He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do." I was surprised. And awed. He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.
When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too. He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us." And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.
We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again. Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.
Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us. And he noticed it too.
The power of little things
I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash. But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning. Like we need darkness to define light.
The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay. It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only. It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me. Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding. Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him. Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.
So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce. As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.
Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it. It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse. We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week. I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again. I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one. He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.
He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing. I thought he'd be back in about an hour. So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on. While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed. If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.
A lot of things went through my head. Was there really no solution to this? He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.
It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile. And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me. But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal. But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant. And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.
When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were. (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.) His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.
So, we continued our conversation. Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex. I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex. As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl. I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past. After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning. I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not." So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things. But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.
It's all symbols
We again discussed the issue of him claiming me. When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his. And we talked about what indicates a claim.
The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with. Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me. Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.
To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession. But I didn't quite understand why.
I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people. Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time. It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific. The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word. It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.
However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic. He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd. And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either. It was just something different to try for fun. So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.
I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols. After all, we were both very independent people. Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined? And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.
I realized that even his alt is a symbol. In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols. (That's another book idea right there.) Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.
Adding the "h"
He asked what we should do. I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea. He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM. Then he joked...
[2012/07/23 05:12:42]But the idea of a symbol gaining a different meaning for me made him more open to trying it again, in case there's a possibility that I would associate the collar and leash with the concept of him claiming me, which I like, as opposed to associating them with oppression, which I don't like.
Wolfgang#3: ((and you look damn sexy leashed ;) ))
Alt#27: Then leash me!
Wolfgang#3: lol
Wolfgang#3: but you don't like that !
Alt#27: Will you fuck me if you leash me?
Wolfgang#3: leash is not necessary to fuck by luck lol
Alt#27: okay, here's what I'm saying....
Alt#27: If you make love to me each time you leash me, I will associate the leash with pleasure.
Alt#27: Then the meaning of that symbol changes.
Alt#27: For me.
Alt#27: And it's a very concrete signal that means "yes, today, we can fuck."
Wolfgang#3: leash claim you, it is not a message of fuck lol
He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do." I was surprised. And awed. He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.
When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too. He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us." And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.
We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again. Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.
Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us. And he noticed it too.
The power of little things
I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash. But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning. Like we need darkness to define light.
The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay. It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only. It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me. Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding. Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him. Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.
So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce. As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.
[2012/07/23 06:36:15]
Wolfgang#3: that s funny how much 2 little things can make you so more desirable
Alt#27: The leash and the collar?
Wolfgang#3: yes
Alt#27: It's funny that the same two things make me feel closer to you.
Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: that is more understandable for me as it link us materially
Alt#27: For me, it's because of that night.
Wolfgang#3: the link was cut, and it appears again, symbol of it
Wolfgang#3: so it leads us to feel closer
Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: Because of a meaning that we previously attached to it.
Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: power of little things
Monday, July 16, 2012
Examining the bar
I was ready to send Wolfgang an email last night to tell him I was ready to meet. Then I realized that I was "ready," only because I miss him. I still had no resolution to bring to the table.
A long time ago, I heard of a study of couples, done by John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict which newly weds would divorce based on micro-expressions on the couple's faces that are not visible to the human eye, but can be clearly seen on slow-motion video.
And as I was looking it up, I found this video of John Gottman himself, talking about building trust.
Around 3:10, he talks about CLalt (Comparison Level for Alternatives), where he said:
When I first surrendered to Wolfgang as his sub, he was very reluctant to add Alt#27's name to his profile to say that she is under his protection, as is customary in BDSM circles. Even though he had other subs, he never placed anybody's name in his profile. I had to argue that me putting his name on my profile as being protected by him wouldn't hold water if he doesn't confirm it in his own profile.
Impy wanted a partnership, specifically because he wanted my name in his profile officially.
I think I had asked Wolfgang to create an alt just for me since the beginning, but he refused because of his own philosophy about his own alts. He didn't want a throw-away alt; he didn't want an alt that he would put to sleep after the relationship is over. So when one of his subs threw a tantrum because he had my name in his profile and not hers, he removed my name. I again asked him to create an alt just for me. He argued against it again. And it was the same time we argued about the tracker as well. To appease me, he said he didn't definitively say "no." And eventually, he relented and created an alt, but warned me that he probably won't give that new alt his essence.
When I suggested that Impy create a new alt for me in order for us to have privacy, he did so the very next day.
Wolfgang refuses to explicitly say that he loves me, not in any language. He said that he prefers to say "I like you," but he never said that to me either. He said that his actions should be enough. And yet, one of his former friends started harassing me because she mistook his actions as romantic, instead of platonic. He pointed out little clues in our RP, but am I supposed to accept his RP as real?
Impy is emotionally expressive. Not just in his actions, but in his words as well. I don't remember a day when he forgot to say he loves me, whether in English or in Spanish.
Wolfgang hates to talk by voice. Impy loves to listen to my voice.
Wolfgang never read a single blog post that I wrote. He picked up my book long ago, but he still hasn't read it. Impy inhaled my blogs and my book, because he was very curious about who I am.
Is it any wonder that my CLalt zoomed upwards?
Granted, I'm not Wolfgang's best lover either. He says I read things into what he says and I argue too much.
When he mentioned that all his other lovers were devoted to him alone and that I'm the only one with other lovers besides him, I took it as a complaint. When he talked about starting a diet to lose a few pounds, I took it as an insult about my RL weight. When he refused to arrange to have someone notify me if anything happened to him, he said that only his family and his RL friends would know when he passed on, and none of his SL friends would, ... well, what right did I have to assume I had at least some importance to him?
He enjoyed "sensuality" like dancing with me half-naked. When I told him that those things usually aroused me and that I was left frustrated, he indicated that I should be able to find someone to satisfy me, even though I insisted that sex without emotions was not as satisfying and it was always difficult to find a good partner. I started to tell him about an ex-lover who made a point of arousing me then logging off without satisfying me. That was when he said that he's not my other lovers. So I never got the chance to tell him that I broke off that relationship precisely because of that repeated sexual frustration.
I am not ignoring the wonderful things he does for me. I am not forgetting that he refuses to do something if it doesn't also give me pleasure, that he compliments the work I do, that he gives me his time even while he's working, that he hurries back from lunch because he knows I am waiting, that he has confided in me more than he has confided in most people.
And I cannot dismiss the fact that I love him. And he has, in fact, become a bit more expressive lately, more tender, more caring.
I still don't know what to do. If we leave things the way they are, we'll eventually break up and just be friends, which means I'll just ignore him.
Maybe this is just growing pains. But growing how? If I'm just another "SL friend," is it worth investing more time and effort in this relationship?
A long time ago, I heard of a study of couples, done by John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict which newly weds would divorce based on micro-expressions on the couple's faces that are not visible to the human eye, but can be clearly seen on slow-motion video.
And as I was looking it up, I found this video of John Gottman himself, talking about building trust.
Around 3:10, he talks about CLalt (Comparison Level for Alternatives), where he said:
"Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner, of building resentment rather than gratitude, of lower investment in the relationship, less dependency for getting your needs met, not sacrificing for the relationship, and escalating conflicts so it becomes an absorbing state."And that hit home. CLalt was that "bar" that Impy raised.
When I first surrendered to Wolfgang as his sub, he was very reluctant to add Alt#27's name to his profile to say that she is under his protection, as is customary in BDSM circles. Even though he had other subs, he never placed anybody's name in his profile. I had to argue that me putting his name on my profile as being protected by him wouldn't hold water if he doesn't confirm it in his own profile.
Impy wanted a partnership, specifically because he wanted my name in his profile officially.
I think I had asked Wolfgang to create an alt just for me since the beginning, but he refused because of his own philosophy about his own alts. He didn't want a throw-away alt; he didn't want an alt that he would put to sleep after the relationship is over. So when one of his subs threw a tantrum because he had my name in his profile and not hers, he removed my name. I again asked him to create an alt just for me. He argued against it again. And it was the same time we argued about the tracker as well. To appease me, he said he didn't definitively say "no." And eventually, he relented and created an alt, but warned me that he probably won't give that new alt his essence.
When I suggested that Impy create a new alt for me in order for us to have privacy, he did so the very next day.
Wolfgang refuses to explicitly say that he loves me, not in any language. He said that he prefers to say "I like you," but he never said that to me either. He said that his actions should be enough. And yet, one of his former friends started harassing me because she mistook his actions as romantic, instead of platonic. He pointed out little clues in our RP, but am I supposed to accept his RP as real?
Impy is emotionally expressive. Not just in his actions, but in his words as well. I don't remember a day when he forgot to say he loves me, whether in English or in Spanish.
Wolfgang hates to talk by voice. Impy loves to listen to my voice.
Wolfgang never read a single blog post that I wrote. He picked up my book long ago, but he still hasn't read it. Impy inhaled my blogs and my book, because he was very curious about who I am.
Is it any wonder that my CLalt zoomed upwards?
Granted, I'm not Wolfgang's best lover either. He says I read things into what he says and I argue too much.
When he mentioned that all his other lovers were devoted to him alone and that I'm the only one with other lovers besides him, I took it as a complaint. When he talked about starting a diet to lose a few pounds, I took it as an insult about my RL weight. When he refused to arrange to have someone notify me if anything happened to him, he said that only his family and his RL friends would know when he passed on, and none of his SL friends would, ... well, what right did I have to assume I had at least some importance to him?
He enjoyed "sensuality" like dancing with me half-naked. When I told him that those things usually aroused me and that I was left frustrated, he indicated that I should be able to find someone to satisfy me, even though I insisted that sex without emotions was not as satisfying and it was always difficult to find a good partner. I started to tell him about an ex-lover who made a point of arousing me then logging off without satisfying me. That was when he said that he's not my other lovers. So I never got the chance to tell him that I broke off that relationship precisely because of that repeated sexual frustration.
I am not ignoring the wonderful things he does for me. I am not forgetting that he refuses to do something if it doesn't also give me pleasure, that he compliments the work I do, that he gives me his time even while he's working, that he hurries back from lunch because he knows I am waiting, that he has confided in me more than he has confided in most people.
And I cannot dismiss the fact that I love him. And he has, in fact, become a bit more expressive lately, more tender, more caring.
I still don't know what to do. If we leave things the way they are, we'll eventually break up and just be friends, which means I'll just ignore him.
Maybe this is just growing pains. But growing how? If I'm just another "SL friend," is it worth investing more time and effort in this relationship?
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Entrainment
The first time I heard the word "entrainment" was in a documentary, where they illustrated how people tend to walk in the same rhythm after a while.
It happens with me and some very close friends and, of course, with my sister. We'd be saying the same thing at the same time, several times in a sequence. Or, I would sense that a scheduled lunch would be delayed or postponed, because I'd have a hard time waking up that morning.
That seems to be happening more with me and Impy these days. The odd way that we met again was probably the first incidence. And very often since then, we would be in the same wavelength, typing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts.
And this past week, I've been having visions and "knowings" about him. No, I don't claim to be psychic. So, we would test my "predictions."
Then, yesterday, he sent me a very sweet email about what I mean to him. My heart melted, of course. Later, he explained that, while driving, he suddenly sensed a deep sadness and an urge to hold me in his arms, and that prompted him to send the email. When he got that feeling, I had already gone to bed. But he sensed my mood before I went to bed.
I've felt that sensitivity towards other lovers who have been very close to me. But it's very rare that a man would get that sense about me.
I'm still pragmatic, but, with Impy, I'm learning to expect the unexpected.
It happens with me and some very close friends and, of course, with my sister. We'd be saying the same thing at the same time, several times in a sequence. Or, I would sense that a scheduled lunch would be delayed or postponed, because I'd have a hard time waking up that morning.
That seems to be happening more with me and Impy these days. The odd way that we met again was probably the first incidence. And very often since then, we would be in the same wavelength, typing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts.
And this past week, I've been having visions and "knowings" about him. No, I don't claim to be psychic. So, we would test my "predictions."
Then, yesterday, he sent me a very sweet email about what I mean to him. My heart melted, of course. Later, he explained that, while driving, he suddenly sensed a deep sadness and an urge to hold me in his arms, and that prompted him to send the email. When he got that feeling, I had already gone to bed. But he sensed my mood before I went to bed.
I've felt that sensitivity towards other lovers who have been very close to me. But it's very rare that a man would get that sense about me.
I'm still pragmatic, but, with Impy, I'm learning to expect the unexpected.
Rewinding
I was browsing back through old emails and chat logs, searching for clues where we got off-track, when we started arguing, when I started being unhappy.
Then I found the last email with our private roleplay. He had sent the last response to that roleplay on May 6, but I didn't continue with the RP because the book had just been released so I had to focus on that. And, besides, the RP was making me nervous. It was coming up to a certain climax.
Then I had an idea.
This morning, before I went to bed, I replied to that email and continued the RP. When I woke up this afternoon, he still hadn't replied. He's probably still angry.
I think he'll argue against continuing the RP. For one, we already gave up the D/s relationship and, in that RP, we are dom and sub. Continuing that RP means we would go back to that kind of relationship. And we left it because it wasn't comfortable for me. And he refuses to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.
But, in a sense, rewinding back to that time and to that relationship would give us breathing room until we figure out a more permanent solution. And there are benefits to it.
1. Doing an RP is better than not communicating at all. At least we stay in touch.
2. Roleplaying opens up a way to express emotions indirectly and in a less threatening environment. Our RP characters become another mask. And, often, masks make it easier for us to express our inner selves.
3. A sub doesn't argue. A sub can recommend, but the final decision belongs to the dom. There won't be any power struggles. At least, not during the RP.
4. When we switched from a D/s relationship to a normal relationship, he said that he felt as though he lost something. He claims that without the D/s relationship, he becomes just another of my lovers. By rewinding, I give him back what he thinks he lost.
Sure, I can try to change him instead. But I've learned that you really can't change anybody, except yourself.
Sure, I can just walk away. I can handle my own heartaches; I've had so many of them. But if my leaving gives him pain, I cannot go. His happiness is important to me.
So, I guess, on more than one level, I am surrendering to him ... again.
Then I found the last email with our private roleplay. He had sent the last response to that roleplay on May 6, but I didn't continue with the RP because the book had just been released so I had to focus on that. And, besides, the RP was making me nervous. It was coming up to a certain climax.
Then I had an idea.
This morning, before I went to bed, I replied to that email and continued the RP. When I woke up this afternoon, he still hadn't replied. He's probably still angry.
I think he'll argue against continuing the RP. For one, we already gave up the D/s relationship and, in that RP, we are dom and sub. Continuing that RP means we would go back to that kind of relationship. And we left it because it wasn't comfortable for me. And he refuses to do anything that makes me uncomfortable.
But, in a sense, rewinding back to that time and to that relationship would give us breathing room until we figure out a more permanent solution. And there are benefits to it.
1. Doing an RP is better than not communicating at all. At least we stay in touch.
2. Roleplaying opens up a way to express emotions indirectly and in a less threatening environment. Our RP characters become another mask. And, often, masks make it easier for us to express our inner selves.
3. A sub doesn't argue. A sub can recommend, but the final decision belongs to the dom. There won't be any power struggles. At least, not during the RP.
4. When we switched from a D/s relationship to a normal relationship, he said that he felt as though he lost something. He claims that without the D/s relationship, he becomes just another of my lovers. By rewinding, I give him back what he thinks he lost.
Sure, I can try to change him instead. But I've learned that you really can't change anybody, except yourself.
Sure, I can just walk away. I can handle my own heartaches; I've had so many of them. But if my leaving gives him pain, I cannot go. His happiness is important to me.
So, I guess, on more than one level, I am surrendering to him ... again.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Who knows if it's good or bad?
In the book, I retold the Buddhist koan about the farmer and his horse. No matter what happened to the farmer, he always said, "Who knows if it's good or bad?"
Impy and I had talked about how my other lovers would react if they learned that I was about to be partnered. He said that if I continued to see them for the same amount of time as I usually did, they didn't have reason to be jealous. But I knew it was more than that. Because *I* would change.
Last night, I asked Wolfgang for a timeout. We've been arguing again. Two days in a row. And that's only because we didn't meet on Wednesday; otherwise, it would have been more days in a row. He says I take what he says the wrong way and that's why we have all these arguments. He admits he also needs to choose to interpret my words the right way.
I asked him how he felt about the timeout. He said he'd better not say. He felt that his opinion didn't matter in this case, because "you have some need. i can't argue with a need."
But in the end, he admitted that he is angry. It may seem like a strange reaction, but he once said that anger is all he knows. He tucks away all other emotions into "boxes" and stores them away. I said, all those emotions he was tucking away into boxes were actually seeping out as anger. So they're not as "secure" in boxes as he claims they are.
I asked if it would be better if we shortened the time to one week. He said that if I needed three weeks, it would be three weeks.
I had been thinking of doing this a long time ago. But I was worried that, if we did take time away from each other, we would not get back together again. He said, "I don't know," which usually meant he doesn't want to speculate about the subject. But it also meant that he thinks there's a chance we would still get back together.
I had to ask him to hide his status from me so my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I see him log in. He said I would have to defriend him, because he refuses to hide. And that almost started another argument.
I know I hurt him by asking for those two weeks. I am very aware that he tries hard to make "us" work. And it is hard work. He and I are not as easily compatible as Impy and I are. But I love him dearly regardless. And I'm realizing that he probably loves me too, even if he refuses to say it.
I don't know if I can stay away for two weeks. But we have to figure out why the arguments start. It's probably my fault. I find insults where there are none. I find disagreements where it's just a difference in how we express things. But if these things happen, that means there's something going on in my subconscious. And I need time away to examine whatever that is.
I'm almost sure it has something to do with the bar that Impy raised. But, really, there shouldn't be a bar at all....
Impy and I had talked about how my other lovers would react if they learned that I was about to be partnered. He said that if I continued to see them for the same amount of time as I usually did, they didn't have reason to be jealous. But I knew it was more than that. Because *I* would change.
[2012/06/26 18:37:12]
Impy#2: better with Wolfgang?
Alt#24: Yes, we had a very long conversation last night.
Alt#24: I'll tell you about it tomorrow.
Alt#24: I think my relationship with him is changing.
Alt#24: Maybe affected by you.
Impy#2: ok, i'm very very glad to hear it, (to hear you are ok with him)
Impy#2: yes? by me????
Alt#24: Long story.
Alt#24: And you have to sleep!
Alt#24: tomorrow
Impy#2: :D damm!!!!
Alt#24: LOL
Alt#24: Okay, quick answer....
Alt#24: You raised the bar.
Impy#2: :)
Alt#24: Because of you, I expect more from lovers now.
Last night, I asked Wolfgang for a timeout. We've been arguing again. Two days in a row. And that's only because we didn't meet on Wednesday; otherwise, it would have been more days in a row. He says I take what he says the wrong way and that's why we have all these arguments. He admits he also needs to choose to interpret my words the right way.
[2012/07/13 06:20:38]We've kinda started using those phrases - "as you wish" to mean we don't like it but we are agreeing anyway, "if you say so" to mean we don't think the same way but we are avoiding an argument. I started using them and he followed suit. And those phrases have been appearing more and more in our conversations. From both sides.
Alt#27: Something else is wrong, I think.... That's just a symptom.
Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: tell me
Alt#27: I would if I knew what it was.
Wolfgang#3: ok
Wolfgang#3: so what do we do?
Alt#27: How do you feel about being apart for two weeks?
Wolfgang#3: as you wish
I asked him how he felt about the timeout. He said he'd better not say. He felt that his opinion didn't matter in this case, because "you have some need. i can't argue with a need."
But in the end, he admitted that he is angry. It may seem like a strange reaction, but he once said that anger is all he knows. He tucks away all other emotions into "boxes" and stores them away. I said, all those emotions he was tucking away into boxes were actually seeping out as anger. So they're not as "secure" in boxes as he claims they are.
I asked if it would be better if we shortened the time to one week. He said that if I needed three weeks, it would be three weeks.
I had been thinking of doing this a long time ago. But I was worried that, if we did take time away from each other, we would not get back together again. He said, "I don't know," which usually meant he doesn't want to speculate about the subject. But it also meant that he thinks there's a chance we would still get back together.
I had to ask him to hide his status from me so my heart doesn't skip a beat every time I see him log in. He said I would have to defriend him, because he refuses to hide. And that almost started another argument.
I know I hurt him by asking for those two weeks. I am very aware that he tries hard to make "us" work. And it is hard work. He and I are not as easily compatible as Impy and I are. But I love him dearly regardless. And I'm realizing that he probably loves me too, even if he refuses to say it.
I don't know if I can stay away for two weeks. But we have to figure out why the arguments start. It's probably my fault. I find insults where there are none. I find disagreements where it's just a difference in how we express things. But if these things happen, that means there's something going on in my subconscious. And I need time away to examine whatever that is.
I'm almost sure it has something to do with the bar that Impy raised. But, really, there shouldn't be a bar at all....
Thursday, July 12, 2012
"i m not your other lovers"
[2012/07/12 04:57:33]
Alt#27: You know, you're still my Dom.
Wolfgang#3: i didn't delete myself from your collar or i couldn't undress you
Alt#27: It's more than that.
Alt#27: It's just what we are.
Alt#27: I think there will always be a bit of D/s in this.
Alt#27: Because of who you are.
Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: because i'm dom inside?
Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: You like to have control.
Wolfgang#3: hum i don't think it is that much simple
Alt#27: Maybe not.
I still wear the collar although it is invisible now. It was mostly so he could undress me and tp me, which I like. He refuses to lock it himself and I kept inadvertently detaching it when I wear something that goes on the same attachment point. So, I finally locked it myself.
But, last night, I decided to shop for new hair and to try blonde this time. Alt#27 was originally a redhead. A couple of weeks ago, I bought a dark hair just to test it with the new skin. Last night, I switched to blonde. I have Opal and another alt as redheads. I have several brunettes. But I only have one blonde, so Alt#27 becomes my second blonde.
Anyway, I was trying some demos when he logged in. And I asked his opinion on the styles. He didn't like short hair because it made me look too young. He didn't like the bangs because it made my face too round. I wanted to find mesh hair that looks good on me. The good thing about rigged mesh hair is that the strands stay in front of your breasts even as you turn your head. The bad thing about rigged mesh hair is that you have to adjust your shape if your skull shows through the top, if you happen to have a longer head or a longer neck than the designer's model.
And he preferred the flexy hair anyway because he said the hairs would "dance during i fuck you strong". (Hair designers, are you listening? We still want dancing flexy add-ons for those mesh hairs please.)
Then somewhere during that conversation, he remarked that it looks like I've already decided, as though I really didn't want his opinion. But I did want his opinion. However, in the end, it was still my decision, while taking his wishes into consideration. But because he noticed that I had decided, it felt as though he expected it to be his decision alone, simply because I asked for his opinion.
[2012/07/12 05:04:51]A few days ago, I asked him to ask someone to send me a message somehow if he is incapacited or worse that he couldn't send me a message himself. I have asked the same from many lovers, including Impy.
Wolfgang#3: you don't feel free?
Wolfgang#3: that i don"'t let you space enough?
Alt#27: It's not a yes/no question.
Alt#27: It's a range.
Alt#27: I feel freer now than when we were officially D/s.
Alt#27: But, sometimes, I still feel that you're still asserting your domination.
Wolfgang#3: asserting?
Wolfgang#3: like how?
Alt#27: pushing
Alt#27: It's just a feeling.
Alt#27: Like when I decide on hair and you notice that I already decided.
Wolfgang#3: yes, it is just a notice
Alt#27: The fact that you noticed it means that it's not the usual way.
Wolfgang#3: ah yes
Alt#27: It's a change from the usual way.
Wolfgang, however, flatly refused. He promised that he would never simply disappear on me. Even as I explained that many of my lovers did, he insisted that he is not like my other lovers. He added that, if he passed on, his RL family would know and his RL friends would know, but none of his SL friends would. It was the most hurtful thing he had ever said to me. It felt like I didn't matter, because I'm just an SL friend.
I respect the fact that it's his life and it's his decision. But it was very painful.
He probably sensed my pain because I was quiet for a while and then I changed the topic after, because he continued to try to explain his reasons. I just nodded and withdrew my request. There was no point arguing about it.
These days I sense a deep sadness from him. Maybe these arguments are affecting him too, even if he doesn't let on. The fact that he continues to log in when we're supposed to meet is very telling. And he logs in with the alt that he created for me. Once, he said that it was proof that he wanted to see me specifically, not just to be in SL to meet any friend.
I am INTJ. They say INTJs move on if the relationship doesn't seem viable. I had thought of moving on, many times. But moving on never felt right.
There's a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Maybe I just need to learn his language.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Lo imposible es maravilloso
[2012/06/28 18:02:19] Impy: i dont know how express it on english...but
[2012/06/28 18:02:53] Impy: Estoy muy emocionado, y has conseguido que el corazón se me encoja en un puño y se me rayen los ojos....
[2012/06/28 18:03:03] Impy: te quiero
He said those words after he watched the machinima I created for today. The machinima I had been working on since we decided to do this ritual. The machinima with our pictures together since the day he first met Alt#24, taken by him and by me. The machinima with the first words we exchanged with each other almost six months ago. The machinima where I sang a love song just for him. A love song that I had to record at least twenty times in a span of two weeks, because my voice kept cracking as my own emotions overwhelmed me.
We had just said our vows.
Side by side
When I created the "Heart Gravel" exhibit for the SL9B celebration, there were two sets of hearts with 50 hearts each where people could leave a love note. I added a dedication, listing most of my lovers, on the root prim of the set of falling hearts. The other set was a pile of hearts already on the palms of the open hands below.
I also added two extra hearts that were not linked to those sets. The one I wrote for Impy started with "Mi amor: Muchas veces, derrites mi corazon. ..." After he saw that, he added his own message in the pile of hearts and, by chance, it ended up on the heart right next to mine.
Going public
We spent a couple of hours exploring part of SL9B. Well, actually, it was less than that because I was crashing most of the time.
But over the weekend, I saw an announcement for a Spanish class, so I listened to the stream while I waited for him to arrive. When he arrived, we decided to go to the site on SL9B and we stood a little bit away from the class while we listened.
At the end of the class, the teacher said hello to us and started chatting with us. Mostly in Spanish. Impy admitted to the teacher that he is a native speaker and he was just there to accompany me and that I was learning Spanish. Afterwards, the teacher friended us both.
A while ago, he mentioned a wish that we would go out as a couple and have friends as a couple and all that. I resisted because these alts were supposed to be private, so we would have quiet time together. To have friends meant that people would intrude on our quiet time. And besides, being active publicly would increase the risk that we would meet someone who had met my other alts and, therefore, because of my "rule," I would have to admit that they know me.
But after the conversation with the teacher, I understood what he meant. There's that special feeling that comes with being seen and being known as a couple.
Making plans
I rarely wore white. I kinda avoided it. It was too "bridal" for me. But when he and I starting being a couple, I found myself wearing white dresses. Well, they were common among summer freebies. And somehow, it felt right to wear them.
I also noticed that, with Alt#24, I tended to wear these elegant knee-length dresses. When he first met Alt#24, he asked how I would describe her and I chose the word "regal" and he agreed. Switching her from medieval to modern was a bit difficult without duplicating the styles of my other alts. Then somehow, she ended up with elegant knee-length dresses.
Once, I brought it up in conversation, wondering if he wanted me to dress her a bit more seductively, because she was beginning to look more wife-y.
[2012/05/31 17:01:07]
Alt#24: I have a question for you, actually.
Impy#2: shoot!
Alt#24: Somehow, [Alt#24] feels more ... cultured.
Alt#24: Less slutty than most of my alts.
Alt#24: Even Opal.
Impy#2: :) that's good
Alt#24: ok
Alt#24: Because I worry that you want more sexyness like [Alt#6].
Alt#24: But with [Alt#24], I feel more like a wife than a mistress.
Impy#2: you got the point perfectly... and i LOVE that feelingThe man says all the right things!
[2012/05/31 17:09:28]
Impy#2: .... i love that point of 'no slutty' from [Alt#24]
Alt#24: /me smiles.... ok
Impy#2: but!!! remember the proverb!
Alt#24: A lady in public and a whore in bed?
Impy#2: lol
Impy#2: that's it!
For our ritual, he was visualizing a beach setting. He had seen a white summer dress, but I thought it wasn't well-made so I said I'd just make one myself.
Around that time, I took him to the Hollywood sim and it occurred to me that we could do our ritual on a boat. And there were reasons why:
Most sims in SL disappear after a while and, when there are strong emotions associated with a place, the disappearance of the place is very disturbing. If we did our ritual on a boat, it didn't depend where we were. We could have our boat in any water in SL. And we both could have a copy of the boat so that, when I missed him, I could just rez one.
But as we talked about other things that we needed, it felt like we were making compromises. He had found a speedboat that he liked. That meant I would have to wear something like a white bikini to go with the theme. He said he just wanted me to wear "something vaporous" and he would wear something casual in white. Then I realized that we couldn't even kiss because, if both of us stood up, the boat would go back to his inventory.
Then a couple of days ago, he took me to an island to see a castle. When I saw it, I knew I had seen it once before, but I don't know when or which alts. However, he was almost certain he had not shown it to me before, and he said, "this is one of my...'secret' places."
[2012/06/26 18:14:59](Did I mention the man always says the right things?)
Alt#24: I think you have taken me here before, my love.
Impy#2: really? if it's so, it's because you were special from the very beginning..:D i never took anybody here
 |
| The castle |
So, as he often does, he let me have my way. (You see why I love the man dearly?) And we decided that we would explore that sim and the surrounding sims for our "honeymoon" instead.
Well, after a short attempt, I decided that two days was not enough to create a special outfit from scratch. Then I remembered a time when he showed me a blog with a picture of a woman wearing silks. He didn't know what silks signified or who wore them. All he knew was that they looked very beautiful.
So I did a search in the Marketplace for "silks" and found an outfit that I once wanted to get for another alt. And it was perfect for another reason. Impy and I once talked about a roleplay alt whose name was based on a Greek myth; that's when I learned he had an interest in ancient Greek mythology as well. And he had loved the toga I wore for my 5th rez day anniversary pictures.
This one had the beautiful folds like the toga. It looks very medieval and beautifully so. It was a silk but it had additional attachments to cover the legs more so it looks more lady-like while remaining sexy. It was beautifully sculpted. And absolutely romantic.
Of course, I didn't show it to him but I mentioned that it wouldn't match the speedboat theme. So I had to search for something he could wear that would match my outfit. And we found the perfect medieval suit in all white. So we gave up the speedboat idea (we'd still use it for our honeymoon explorations) and decided to do the ritual in the castle anyway. :D
Somehow, with him, things just fall into place. Damn the crazy odds.
 |
| The dress from Caverna Obscura. Taken while waiting for him to log back in, so I was able to play with windlight and shadows. Now in Flickr. |
 |
| The groom pacing at the entrance of the castle. :D By the time I tp'd over (and crashed, of course), I had already turned down my settings because I was also filming machinima. |
 |
| The kiss, taken after the vows and after the song and and after the exchange of rings that we made ourselves for each other and while he was busy with the SL partnership proposal. |
He's right.... The impossible *is* wonderful.
*sighs happily*
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