Why is it that the older you get, the faster time flows? Seriously, this month just went whoooosh!
Well, granted I had a lot going on, both personally and with the book. There's the machinima class I was teaching for MODA, the work I was doing for the Splo, then SL9B both for the book and for MODA and lots of little tasks in between.
Relationship-wise, a lot of things are also happening. There are many times when I thought, "Oh, I should blog that." But I was too tired or under a deadline that I didn't have time to write. So, this post and the next one will be "catch up" posts.
The next post will be all about Impy but I won't write it until later because I don't want to spoil some surprises that I planned for him, because tomorrow is The Day. :) We'll be officially partnered tomorrow.
So, in this post, I'll only talk about developments with Wolfgang.
Wolfgang once asked what I liked about wearing a collar. I told him that I liked that he could just teleport me. And I particularly enjoyed when he undressed me himself. It's like in real life; being undressed by a man feels much more sensual and erotic than undressing myself.
And when he teleports me without asking for my permission first, it feels like he's claiming me as his. Like I belong to him, like a wife belongs to her husband. It's like saying, I belong by his side, no "if"'s, "and"'s or "but"'s.
This past month, we've been arguing a lot, discussing a lot of things, particularly the BDSM part of our relationship. We argued about the spanking. To him, it's part of the sensuality of BDSM. But the context of it bothers me.
It's not the concept of spanking that bothers me. With mfpwtff, we each had spankers that simply spouted that "X spanked Y" with the accompanying sound effects. The "spanking" was playful. He would do it out of the blue and I would reciprocate. It's like a pillow fight. It seems aggressive but it really isn't. And of course, we were equals in the relationship, so I could spank back.
But with Wolfgang, the spanking was roleplayed as a "punishment" and, as a punishment, it gives me no pleasure. It isn't fun anymore. He explained that sometimes one of his other subs would make up a "transgression" so that she would "deserve" a spanking and that was how she would initiate a sensual encounter. But that's not the same for me. I explained to him that a punishment is a "distancing" between us. Instead of us pulling together, a punishment pulls us apart. Therefore, even a kiss, if it is given as a punishment, would taste bitter to me.
For days, we continued to argue about aspects of BDSM. I told him to just do what he wants. After all, he was my master. But he refused to do anything that doesn't give me pleasure. He had been telling me that since the start, since the incident with the kneeling and the leash. And I think that incident made him skittish, so that he's more careful about what he does with me and, since then, he always asked me how I felt about something.
On one hand, that's exactly why I trust him as a dom. On the other hand, I get more nervous about what he's about to do, because if he has to ask me for permission to do something, it must be really bad, right? So *I* get more skittish too.
Even when I tell him that I don't really know how I would feel until I've had the experience, he refuses to do it. He kept saying he'd rather avoid making me feel bad.
Then he asked, "Would you prefer to put off collar, leash, anything related to our first relationship and just be usual, simple lover?"
I said, "I don't know." Then I explained why.
I reiterated that I don't make a good sub because I am too independent. But I do it for him.
That's when he asked what I liked about the BDSM relationship, without considering what he likes. So I told him what I like and I told him what I do for his sake. "I do them for you because of how I feel about you."
"But you don't like," he half asked.
I gave him a long answer, "On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 means I absolutely hate it and 10 means I absolutely love it, ... without considering what you want ... just on its own ... I'd say it's a 3. Maybe 3.5 ."
He said, "ok" and I kept explaining that I had suppressed that feeling since the leash and kneeling incident, because that alt wasn't connected to my RL anyway, so I could dissociate. In the past, we had talked about dissociating when we do things I'm not comfortable with, and he argued against that too. He'd rather not do it, if it meant I would dissociate, because it would make him feel lonely.
I had to go afk, and he said he would also get a cup of coffee. When I came back, he had unlocked the collar and set it to invisible. He left it on, only so that he could still tp me and undress me because I enjoy those.
That was June 11 in the early morning.
I was stunned and deeply touched. In response, I cleaned my profile to remove anything about BDSM in it, including my character's background story. I wouldn't have another master again. If I wanted a master again, I'd rather it was him. And if he refuses to be my master, then no one else will be, not even temporarily.
Besides, I committed that alt to him. And with that statement, we started another argument. He said that he doesn't like the idea that, when our relationship is over, I'd put that alt to sleep. I asked why it would matter to him what I did with that alt, if he doesn't care about me anymore. It would just hurt me if I log in as her because it would remind me of him. He said that the idea makes him "smell" death on her already. *sigh*
Then we argued about the terms of endearment that I call him. He didn't want me to call him those words again because they would remind him of what he "lost". *sigh*
He wasn't sure how our relationship would go after that. And it seemed that we had been arguing even more since. They're not emotional arguments, but more like negotiations. Each of us explaining what we prefer and why. But they're tiring anyway.
Many times, during those arguments, I doubted whether it was still worth staying. We argued about every little thing. We couldn't be more incompatible. And it felt as though I was the one who was always giving in. And it was too much work. And for what?
I always said I wouldn't chase after a man who doesn't want me. And it felt as though he only wanted me because I wore his leash and collar. And now that those are gone, what else could he want from me?
Then two things happened.
We had been looking for new sims to hang out in where he never took his other alts in. We were trying to avoid his new alt being associated with his other two alts and causing jealousies from his other lovers and subs again.
We were quietly chatting on a swing in one of those sims when a couple approached us. They had been hanging around for a short while before the man came and stood a few feet from us. His companion looked like a little girl.
The sim was a PG sim and the swing only had cuddles. Yet the man came and told us to go elsewhere and rent a room. I replied and told him to leave us alone. They themselves looked like they were doing age-play and we didn't bother them, so why were they bothering us. He insisted that his companion was normal-sized and that I was a "monster" for being tall. Of course, he was my size, and he didn't explain why he looked like an older man who was with a girl avatar that was barely half his size wearing bright pink lipstick and pigtails and a title which included the word "princess".
Then he moved his avatar over us so that his crotch was right at mine. So I stood up and started filing an abuse report while Wolfgang had words with him. The "old man" continued to be verbally insulting and abusive towards me. Wolfgang continued to insult him back. I finished the abuse report and even forwarded the chat log to the owner of the sim. At that point, the intruders took over the swing.
So, all that was just so they could take over the swing, just like schoolyard bullies.
We teleported out after I got the reports done. And as Wolfgang hugged me goodnight, he wanted to go back and make them uncomfortable by hanging around. But he was going to leave his avie there while he was afk and I was uncomfortable with that. They could get him into a compromising scenario and file a report against *him*.
What surprised me was that he kept insisting that I let him do it his way. To be honest, he didn't need my permission. He could have just sent me off to bed and gone back after I logged off. But it felt as though he couldn't do it until I gave up and said, "Fine, do it your way."
Hell hath no fury
Alt#27 first received a cryptic IM that said, "don't believe all she says." The account was only a few days old. I figured it was mistakenly sent to me.
The next day, a notecard came from another new account. In the notecard, she wrote many things about Wolfgang and his alts and his BDSM activities. Of course, I knew about those. But she painted a very unflattering picture of him.
I told Wolfgang about the notecard and he thought he knew who it might be. An old friend who thought there was more between them than there really was. As we talked about it, I said I wouldn't do anything about it unless she contacted me again. He asked me what I would. I said I would just talk to her. I was thinking of calming her down, but he took it as a sign that I trusted her more than I trusted him, and he became upset.
I had to explain to him that it wasn't an issue of not trusting him. It was an issue of worrying he would exacerbate the situation if he confronts her, especially since it was he whom she was upset about and it was I whom she was reaching out to. And especially since he doesn't always choose to do the wisest thing, like going back to the sim where the bullies were.
He said it's a matter of protecting his own privacy. And we argued about that too. She pulled me into the issue, so it became my problem.
But, in the end, I had to agree to not respond to her if she contacts me again.
To be honest, the notecard *did* make me doubt him. I know his faults. I've witnessed them and he had admitted to them. And I accepted them as part of who he is anyway. And because I knew a lot about him, I was able to discern what parts of the notecard were fact and what parts were her opinions. But the notecard still raised some doubts.
At that point, I brought up the idea that I was thinking of leaving. And that started another argument. He was hurt by the way I said it. Because it was as though it was only my decision and that it wouldn't affect him. Suddenly, I had a sense that he would really be hurt if I left.
He was upset because I just decided to talk to the woman instead of conferring with him first. From my perspective, it was my problem because she came to me. I don't need to ask anybody's permission to talk to anybody I wanted to. From his perspective, talking to her was a decision that he and I had to agree on.
And then we talked about "us." The "us" that I didn't think existed because we had an unequal relationship as dom and sub, because he always felt distant, because it felt as though I was the only one who was there because of emotions. Suddenly, there was "us." The man who didn't want my name in his profile was talking about "us."
He is psychologically very complex. And very stubborn. He told me about his childhood and his teenage years and I understand him a bit more. It's still very exhausting.
If I knew that it didn't make a difference to him whether I stayed or not, I would leave. But the conversation had changed things. He still refuses to say he loves me, because he says that the word "love" means different things to different people and that he communicates with his behavior instead.
At the same time, I don't want to end up like his old "friend" who misinterpreted his friendship for romantic love.
But I'm staying for now. I saw his own pain. I saw the reasons for his walls. Maybe that's also why he can't let me go. Maybe I'm one of the very few who see through the walls.
Sometimes, all we really need is a witness.