Back to the abbey

I don't understand him.

There are missing pieces to the puzzle and I understand that they are not for me to see. But because the picture is incomplete, I do not trust what I see.

But he held on.... Amidst my storms, he held on.

I gave him his freedom back and reclaimed mine, yet he stays. I'm pretty sure that, eventually, he'll fade away. After he has sated his curiosity about me, he'll fade away. We'll see.

I don't trust him as a lover. Even though we never spoke of it, I sense that he has that same big gaping ravenous maw of emotional need inside him. And one woman could never fill it, just as one man could never fill mine, though he came pretty close.

Maybe that's what terrifies me. To entrust my heart to one man. To lose control and surrender. And when a lover comes along, I have to be absolutely sure. Therefore, the storms.

So he remains in my life, as he wishes. And as a friend, as I wish. With non-exclusive privileges, as we both wish.

If nothing else, I may have gained a true friend for life.

"And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away"
- "February Song", Josh Groban

(The title is a reference to that part of the story in "Sound of Music" when Maria returns to the abbey where she feels safe. I'm just sticking to the same metaphor I started with this week.)