"i m not your other lovers"

[2012/07/12 04:57:33]

Alt#27: You know, you're still my Dom.

Wolfgang#3: i didn't delete myself from your collar or i couldn't undress you

Alt#27: It's more than that.
Alt#27: It's just what we are.
Alt#27: I think there will always be a bit of D/s in this.
Alt#27: Because of who you are.

Wolfgang#3: aha
Wolfgang#3: because i'm dom inside?

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: You like to have control.

Wolfgang#3: hum i don't think it is that much simple

Alt#27: Maybe not.

 I still wear the collar although it is invisible now.  It was mostly so he could undress me and tp me, which I like.  He refuses to lock it himself and I kept inadvertently detaching it when I wear something that goes on the same attachment point.  So, I finally locked it myself.

But, last night, I decided to shop for new hair and to try blonde this time.  Alt#27 was originally a redhead.  A couple of weeks ago, I bought a dark hair just to test it with the new skin.  Last night, I switched to blonde.  I have Opal and another alt as redheads.  I have several brunettes.  But I only have one blonde, so Alt#27 becomes my second blonde.

Anyway, I was trying some demos when he logged in.  And I asked his opinion on the styles.  He didn't like short hair because it made me look too young.  He didn't like the bangs because it made my face too round.  I wanted to find mesh hair that looks good on me.  The good thing about rigged mesh hair is that the strands stay in front of your breasts even as you turn your head. The bad thing about rigged mesh hair is that you have to adjust your shape if your skull shows through the top, if you happen to have a longer head or a longer neck than the designer's model.

And he preferred the flexy hair anyway because he said the hairs would "dance during i fuck you strong".  (Hair designers, are you listening?  We still want dancing flexy add-ons for those mesh hairs please.)

Then somewhere during that conversation, he remarked that it looks like I've already decided, as though I really didn't want his opinion.  But I did want his opinion.  However, in the end, it was still my decision, while taking his wishes into consideration.  But because he noticed that I had decided, it felt as though he expected it to be his decision alone, simply because I asked for his opinion.

[2012/07/12 05:04:51]

Wolfgang#3: you don't feel free?
Wolfgang#3: that i don"'t let you space enough?

Alt#27: It's not a yes/no question.
Alt#27: It's a range.
Alt#27: I feel freer now than when we were officially D/s.
Alt#27: But, sometimes, I still feel that you're still asserting your domination.

Wolfgang#3: asserting?
Wolfgang#3: like how?

Alt#27: pushing
Alt#27: It's just a feeling.
Alt#27: Like when I decide on hair and you notice that I already decided.

Wolfgang#3: yes, it is just a notice

Alt#27: The fact that you noticed it means that it's not the usual way.

Wolfgang#3: ah yes

Alt#27: It's a change from the usual way.
A few days ago, I asked him to ask someone to send me a message somehow if he is incapacited or worse that he couldn't send me a message himself.  I have asked the same from many lovers, including Impy.

Wolfgang, however, flatly refused.  He promised that he would never simply disappear on me.  Even as I explained that many of my lovers did, he insisted that he is not like my other lovers.  He added that, if he passed on, his RL family would know and his RL friends would know, but none of his SL friends would.  It was the most hurtful thing he had ever said to me.  It felt like I didn't matter, because I'm just an SL friend.

I respect the fact that it's his life and it's his decision.  But it was very painful.

He probably sensed my pain because I was quiet for a while and then I changed the topic after, because he continued to try to explain his reasons.  I just nodded and withdrew my request.  There was no point arguing about it.

These days I sense a deep sadness from him.  Maybe these arguments are affecting him too, even if he doesn't let on.  The fact that he continues to log in when we're supposed to meet is very telling.  And he logs in with the alt that he created for me.  Once, he said that it was proof that he wanted to see me specifically, not just to be in SL to meet any friend.

I am INTJ.  They say INTJs move on if the relationship doesn't seem viable.  I had thought of moving on, many times.  But moving on never felt right.

There's a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.  Maybe I just need to learn his language.