Juxtaposition

More than ten days ago, I started the draft for this entry. I had chosen the title "Juxtaposition" because I wanted to talk about the differences between my relationship with The Impossible and my relationship with Wolfgang.

But I got too busy with my teaching aids for the machinima class I am teaching at the MODA Modeling School, and that took up most of my time during the past couple of weeks. Both lovers have been busy as well, so I haven't seen as much of either of them as I wanted.



Anyway, Wolfgang eventually relented and created a new alt. As I promised, I took over the alt as soon as he created it to give him a makeover, which took me a good part of a day. I'm so used to doing and redoing makeovers now, so, at the end of the day, he even had several outfits that he could change into. I consulted with him about the skin, and it turned out to be a knock-off (probably copybotted) version of his skin. He kept wanting to have the same hairstyle but I tried to steer him away from it.

I wanted his other lovers to get the impression that I had moved on to another lover; otherwise, they'd be jealous again if they knew he created an alt just for me.

By the time I relinquished his alt back to him, it was dressed in a Victorian gentleman's suit, with only a demo hairbase and lots of folders with demo hair in the inventory. The ones I picked up when he TP'd me to his favorite hair store. So, now, when I'm in Alt #29, he's also in Wolfgang#3. He still occasionally IMs me with Wolfgang#2, which is the one I met and the one that he's mostly in. But I rarely see Wolfgang#2 anymore.

Throughout our argument (and a big part of the argument), he didn't want to create a new alt. He didn't think he could project into it. Both his alts are several years old and they look very similar. He said he couldn't be anything else. He only conceded to create a new alt to give it a try. But he kept telling me that it would feel as though it's not him. I didn't think so.

But I was happy that he finally created an alt just for me. So the alt felt like it was "mine". That it was a gift given to me, albeit, reluctantly. I was half-expecting that he'll eventually give up the alt and throw it away.

So, the next time we met after the makeover, I was surprised when he said that he had to apologize. I couldn't understand why. For one, he didn't seem like someone who would apologize. He has a lot of pride and he seems to be the type who is certain about everything he chooses to do. I was even more touched when he said that he really appreciates the work I had done on his alt. He really saw it as a throw-away alt. But he saw how much care I took in doing the makeover. And so he promised that he would do his best to project his "soul" into it.

That was the first evidence of the change.

Since the reconciliation, he was more considerate, more tender, more sweet, more affectionate. He asks for my opinion before he decides anything about the alt. He expresses gladness when I like something he did on it. When he dresses his alt, he goes for more subdued, more conservative, styles. Maybe because he is influenced by things I like. He's making the alt more to my liking.

He remarked that Wolfgang#3 looks more effeminate than his other alts. I disagreed. In fact, it looks more confident, more mature. I said that he gave this alt something -- a certain quality that he didn't give his other two alts. It feels like Wolfgang#3 has more innate power. His first two alts look like rebels. And being rebellious means that he feels he doesn't have power, that he has to fight for it. On the other hand, Wolfgang#3 has a more dignified self-confidence, which means that he is more secure about his power. He *knows* he has power and he doesn't have to fight to prove it.

He agreed that it feels there's some extra quality in Wolfgang#3 that isn't in his other alts. But he disagreed with my explanation. His explanation was that, unlike his two other alts, Wolfgang#3 doesn't have to '"fight" for [my] affections' because my affections were already given to Wolfgang#3 from the start. And that was another surprise. I never thought that he was fighting for my affections. In fact, I thought he was taking my affections for granted, like it was just one more gift among the many gifts that his friends and admirers leave at his feet.

But, now, it feel different. We're emotionally closer. And it feels more reciprocal. Less of a BDSM relationship. More of a traditional relationship.

Compared to most of my other lovers, he's still very reserved. He once called himself a "cold animal." I disagreed. I see a lot of passion. Very strong emotions, but withheld or redirected into anger.



In stark contrast, Impy (The Impossible) is very warm and very expressive, and naturally tender and affectionate. Being with him is like being cuddled in a nice comfortable warm bed with lots of fluffy pillows and a fuzzy blanket on a cold rainy morning. He keeps melting my heart.

Sometimes, it feels like I have more in common with Impy than with my RL sisters. We think the same way. We enjoy the same things. And it's not that he liked them simply because he knows I like them. Those things were already a part of his life, long before I met him.

What if he's actually one of my concurrent incarnations? :-O ;-)

Sometimes, it's like we're thinking out of the same brain. The INTJ in me looks for a "mind-mate" and he is that. There is an intellectual connection that is both stimulating and comforting at the same time. For a while, I thought it was just going to be a casual affair. But occasionally, he would say something that melts my heart or stuns me. Like when he said his heart "compressed" when he got to the part in my book where I talked about considering suicide.

Recently, he took me to a place that had an awesome installation recreating the infamous Chinese Terracotta Army. During that visit, I suddenly felt this feeling that I rarely feel these days. It's that sense of awe and wonder, and an excitement about possibilities and the promise of SL. That was the second or third time I felt that while I was with him. It was like a deja vu feeling, like I was thrown back to my early days in SL.

I told him that he brought the magic back to SL. I had told him that at least once before.

I usually don't hang out with newbies much. They drain my energy. I get tired having to explain basic things. But not with Impy. He "gets" it. And very quickly. I don't have to explain; I don't have to give detailed instructions. Not just because the man is a techie. I have a feeling he's also highly intelligent because he's a very quick study, but he doesn't let on.

And because he "gets" it, he also gets the potential of the platform and why it is very exciting. And when I meet someone who sees the possibilities that I see, then -- my god -- the magic comes back. When everyone else is falling by the wayside because of disillusionment with SL and virtual worlds, it is very heartwarming to have a companion along that increasingly lonely road.



Once in a while, I'd have a lover or a romantic friend who becomes my "witness." My life witness. Someone who sees the many sides of me. Inside and out. And because of that "witnessing," they've become the deepest and most significant relationships in my life. Impy is becoming one of those witnesses.

Or maybe, he already is.