Yesterday was a strange day. And, no, this is not an April Fool's post.
First, a friend was upset with me because I couldn't be sympathetic to his complaints about his mother's hernia. Apparently, it runs in his family because his grandmother died of it, and he suspects he has it also. But he and his mother don't trust doctors.
A month ago, I probably would have been more sympathetic. But only a few weeks ago, my father had a heart attack and went through bypass surgery to replace five arteries. Heart problems and metabolic diseases are hereditary and I inherited those from both parents. I'm pretty sure that a heart attack is more serious than hernia.
So, I told this friend to put things in perspective. That's when he became upset because he just wanted someone to listen to him complain. He didn't like the fact that I started suggesting alternative routes, like getting a second opinion from another doctor.
Granted, my sister had previously complained about me having "man attributes" because I try to solve her problem instead of just sympathizing. But, hey, I'm INTJ. That's my nature. You give me a problem; I will try to solve it. If you want me to just listen, tell me ahead of time, and I will try my best to shut up and just nod in agreement, while I continue working on the script I was doing before you interrupted me. You know. ... That script that automatically emotes sympathetic blurbs at certain intervals. ... That one. ... (I bet the men are chuckling right about now. Yup, I know you're not really listening either when I whine.) ... I wonder how much men would be willing to pay for that script.
But, seriously, folks, trying to help you find solutions to your problem is the most sympathetic thing I can do for you. Now, if you tell me that your problem is that you need some attention and you're using all these other physical ailments to justify that attention, then I'll understand the problem better and you're more likely to get what you need from me, like my attention.
Alt #11: Verbal abuse
After finishing my styling for the second MODA challenge (yep, that was what I was really working on, not the script), I figured I'd go to Frank's to mellow out. So I logged into Alt #11.
The time was 22:48.
One friend (I have no idea why I friended him in the first place) saw me logged in and IM'd me. The first time we met, I became upset because he was watching TV while chatting with me, and he took a very long time before responding. I had talked to him about how waiting minutes for each of his responses is a waste of my time, which I could have used doing something more productive or chatting with someone else. He apologized. This time, he did the same thing again, so I stood up and left him on the dance floor. He apologized again, but I made a note on his profile to never dance with him again. I should just take him out of my friends list.
The time was 23:19.
So, I went back to my favorite spot on the sidelines.
At 23:28, someone asked me for a dance. I politely declined saying that I prefer to chat before I agree to a dance. It didn't sound like he read my profile at all, and his profile practically said nothing about him, which I pointed out. He told me his age and the country where he lived. That was it.
If that was the most interesting part about him, it was most likely that I'd be terribly bored. I've met many men his age and many men from his country. It's nothing new to me.
Not long after he sent me his first message, he was already heading to the dance floor with someone else. So that meant he had asked several women at the same time, probably hedging his bets. That makes me feel like a replaceable cog. He wasn't interested in me; he just wanted a blow-up doll. He said he hoped we'd dance next time. I said, "Maybe." I was thinking, "Maybe not."
The time was 23:38.
But even before that conversation ended, someone else had moved close to my avatar and IM'd me at 23:37. All he said was "Lovely dress" and introduced himself. He was only a few weeks old. And his profile said that he was starting over, so he at least admitted indirectly that it was an alt. He said that "people in sl can be so rude so i started over". Then he asked me if I would like to go to his place for a chat and dance. I declined. Again, I explained that I prefer to chat before committing to a dance.
Immediately after that, he asked about my marital status in real life. Apparently, he was looking for a real-life relationship in SL. I guessed that he was probably in his 20s. He said he was in his 30s and asked if that would be a problem.
All I said was, "Yes. I'm late 40s. I prefer older men." I didn't want him to get his hopes up about me as a potential candidate for an RL relationship. Then he suddenly blew up and started cussing me in a torrent of demeaning accusations. He called me a bitch, shallow, closed-minded, and immature. He asked me if I realize that most older men in SL are either pedophiles or freaks, and he told me to hang out at "giggles beach" to see for myself. He talked about his "disability" in real life, which he blames as the reason why women his age ignore him. He said that the next time someone asks him his age, he would lie and say he's 45. He started his tirade at 23:47 and finally ended at 23:59.
Before it ended, I was already talking with a club host to report the incident. The host asked for a copy of the chat log and she forwarded it to a manager. Unfortunately, Frank's doesn't ban people who are abusive in IM. Only if they are abusive in public chat. But the host said she'd keep an eye on him. I assumed that if there were too many complaints about him, they'd eventually ban him, even if it was all in IM.
There were so many immature assumptions in the things he said that I don't know where to begin. His outburst was exactly the reason why I prefer older men. Sure, it's no guarantee of maturity, but the older the man, the more mature he is likely to be, because he would have more experience and more time to gain insight on those experiences. And because they are closer to my age, we are more likely to have more in common.
When he claimed that most older men are either pedophiles or freaks, he wrongly assumed that I have none or very little experience with older men that would contradict his belief. When he told me to go to specific beach, it's like saying, "The Internet is mostly porn. Just take a look at this one website and see for yourself."
What he did was, in fact, akin to what certain ultra-conservative politicians are trying to do in the US -- take away women's choices. If I say that prefer chocolate ice cream, what right does he have to shove vanilla ice cream down my throat, or to denigrate me simply because he doesn't have what I want?
He said I was weird because I preferred to chat first before agreeing to a dance. Most couple dances are very intimate. What if he asked me for sex instead of a dance? Do I not have the right to say I prefer to get to know a man before I have sex with him? Do I not have the right to say "no"? Doesn't that amount to coercion or rape?
What struck me was when he said, "This is why you are alone." 6969 said something similar when we were breaking up, "This is why you're still single." Ummmm, excuse me?!? My profile clearly states that I prefer to be single but that I have several lovers.
I'm beginning to see a pattern here. It's a certain kind of man who believes that every single woman is desperate and should be grateful that he even pays attention to her. It is so difficult for those men to comprehend that being single is so much better than being with an abusive person like them.
Another friend eventually found me at Frank's after that incident and rescued me from more idiotic men who just want to grope. We caught up on news since I hadn't seen him since January and we had talked about the project he was working on. But the conversation somehow went to weight gain and that just depressed me. So, when he had to go, I just left Frank's and logged out.
Alt #6: Revisiting the cromlech
I was exhausted and sleepy but too upset, so I logged into Alt #6 and figured that no one would bother me there, since I had very few people in her friends list. I was planning to hide away at a quiet corner of a beautiful beach.
But fate had other plans. *sigh* Tom of the Cromlech was at the landing point when I arrived at the beach. I had seen him a few times there since we broke up. But we usually just had quick conversations just to say hi.
He wanted sex. I said I wasn't in the mood and besides we already did. He insisted that we never had sex and he was offended that I don't remember. "But you already gave me up," I insisted. We still couldn't agree. Honestly, I had forgotten why we broke up, but I remembered that it was his choice.
But he reminded me. He wanted exclusivity in all my alts. I told him it would be unfair to me because he's married irl. He said that SL is SL and RL is RL and I would be free to have a relationship irl. But what's the likelihood that I would meet someone for an RL relationship if I don't meet people in SL? My social life is mostly in SL. Does he expect me to hang out at bars at night alone just to meet drunken men? Or should I do groceries every day in the hopes that I'd bump into someone at the produce section?
Then he asked me if I still loved him. I assumed he was going to use it to bribe me. "If you loved me, you would do this..." I didn't answer his question; instead, I said it was irrelevant. I have several current lovers and have had many more lovers before them. I will not disregard my love for each of those lovers nor their love for me, just for the sake of one of them who gives me less than any of the others. I will not make that mistake again.
It wasn't all bad. I got a lot of work done during the day.
The Impossible gave me a nice long and sweet hug while he was waiting for his date and it sounded like that affair was getting serious. We both started getting aroused during our banter, but unfortunately he didn't have time. I hope his date benefited from that arousal. He assured me that I am and will remain very special to him, but he hadn't talked to her formally about exclusivity yet. I told him that I would still consider him a lover, even if we don't have sex again.
Another of Alt #11's friends was sending sweet messages in IM during that strange incident and was very reassuring, even though he realized that he had no chance to make me his "pet" because he is also much younger.
I had given Wolfgang a script that would allow him to summon me even though he doesn't know my main email or my main alt. But SL was having problems and wasn't sending those emails right away, so I checked on him when I saw him log in. He was with another friend so I didn't stay long. He said he would summon me if he's free again, but I said I was too tired and I had a bad day. But there was something about how he responded to my greeting. He said, "Hey, [Alt #27]." It was very informal and it felt very distant, as though we had never been intimate. Maybe he just didn't have privacy at that moment, but it was disappointing nevertheless.
I'm still figuring out the BDSM effects on me, but Wolfgang has been very gracious. He had avoided the combination of symbols that triggered that emotion before. We chat more in OOC than in IC. We're planning a new scenario that involves alts. I had suggested a scenario and I was thinking that we would pull in at least one other person to do it with us. But he refused. He preferred to use his alt, because he didn't want to share me. Or a least, he didn't want to share Alt #27. She was entirely his and that meant a lot to him.
At one point this past week, I was ready to give up that D/s relationship because I wasn't sure I could handle it emotionally and psychologically. I even suggested a scenario to end the roleplay. I said that, after that, I might just put Alt #27 to sleep, unless I find another non-BDSM purpose for her. When he replied to that message, he said, sure, we could end the RP after the time I suggested, and, sure, we could end it the way I suggested. He was even willing to start a non-BDSM roleplay. But he wasn't willing to give up Alt #27 that easily. I sensed a bit of anger in his response, maybe even panic. And that warmed my heart.
He was feeling insecure, that he wasn't good enough to be introduced to my main alt. But when I explained that my main alt was linked to my RL, he didn't push. I said I was willing to let him know my RL if he reciprocates. He refused. Not because he doesn't want me to know his RL, but because he prefers that I give that to him as a gift, not as something he coerced from me, and not as something we negotiated. Otherwise, he would feel guilt about it, or the gift would feel dirty somehow.
I would probably do it in a week or so anyway. By then, I'd have known him for more than a month. I also waited a month before I introduced the Captain to Opal, although Opal was still anonymous then. But, we'll see. First, I have to feel out where this is going.