97 exclamation points

Three "I love it"'s.  Four OMG's.  Ninety-seven exclamation points.

I love how expressive the man is.  :D  Every woman should have a big fan like him.


 I had sent him a video I filmed a couple of weeks ago (but processed only last night) with Alt#24 doing a belly dance using one of Torley's Big Sun windlight settings.

It's a private video because it's a gift for him. (No, Alt#24 was not naked.)  But I'll ask him if he's okay with me re-posting it here.

(He said yes, I can re-post it here, but I have to find music that works well with it, without using YouTube's music.)

Boundaries again

Last night was odd.

A lover came in very early.  That in itself was odd.  He was already dressed formally, so I suggested that we meet at Frank's for a dance, while at the same time he asked if I wanted sex.  So we decided to go to Frank's to have sex.  (I'm kidding.)  I asked for five minutes to change and he went ahead.

Not again!

When I arrived at Frank's landing point, I crashed.  Of course.  And when I relogged, I got this IM:

[2012/08/03 23:13:44]  Flirt Sorciere: Excuse me for asking such a strange Q, but have we ever talked before, to the best of your knowledge?  I lost all my chat histories in the most-recent forced-"upgrade" of SL...

Sometimes, I wonder if there really weren't these Olympian gods looking down on humanity and playing tricks with us.

[2012/08/03 23:14:58]  Opal Lei: In fact, we have, and not in a good way.

Then I sent him the first two lines of our first and last conversation.  And I told him the date was Jan 1, 2011.

[2012/08/03 23:15:57]  Flirt Sorciere: Thank you for the information.
[2012/08/03 23:16:03]  Opal Lei: Sure.

Well, at least, he's more polite now.

Maybe he'll buy my book and realize that I actually used him as an example of what not to do.

Rudeness to whom?

It still took me a long time to rez things.  I went up the stairs and realized that Frank's had been renovated since I last went here and I didn't know where to go.  In fact, I was bumping on a wall that I couldn't see.

My date rescued me from the stubbornly immobile wall by teleporting me to where he was, but I still couldn't see his avatar.  Just his yellow dot on the mini-map.  Then his dot moved towards the dance floor and we continued to talk in IM.  Then I crashed again.

When I logged back in, I received an offline from him saying he was waiting to dance with me.  The yellow dot on my mini-map was gone and I asked him where he was.  Then he said, "i was waiting for you for dance and other woman sit in your place."

Apparently, he had summoned the dance balls and was sitting on the blue ball already, then he saw me crash, so he took the opportunity to go AFK while waiting for me to get back.  When he got back to his desk, this woman was already on the pink ball, dancing with him.

And he couldn't tell her that he was waiting for someone, because he thought that it would be rude towards her.  He apologized to me (and I sensed that he was sincere) and he reiterated that he really wanted to dance with me.  I told him that, by the same gesture of avoiding being rude to her, he was being rude to me.

It was at this point, a full fifteen minutes since he teleported me to his position, that he (and she) finally rezzed for me.

I don't mind that he dances with other women; we're not exclusive.  What I minded was that I wasted all that time changing clothes, teleporting to Frank's, fighting the lag, crashing a few times, and for what?  I wasn't even very pissed.  Just very irritated for wasting that time.

So I told him I'd leave them alone and wished him to "have fun."

Less than a minute later, he was inviting me to join him on the dance floor.  He finally told the other woman that his lover arrived and I'm sure *she* got pissed, but she wasn't there when I looked again.

I don't know if she remained at Frank's or if she decided to leave, but I decided he and I had to go elsewhere so she wouldn't be embarrassed publicly.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

I'm sure there's a lot of "lessons" in just that one incident.

She shouldn't have assumed that he's not with someone, just because he's dancing alone for several minutes.  A quick IM asking, "Are you waiting for a friend or are you looking for a dance partner?" would have been sufficient.  It's not the bargain sale at your local department store.  You don't have to jump on anyone who seems available for fear that someone else will grab him.

He should have been more firm with her.  He could have easily told her, "I'm sorry, I'm not really available.  I was waiting for a friend to relog and rez.  Maybe you and I could dance another time, if you'd accept my friendship."  But, he's not that articulate with the English language either.  Besides, we all come from different cultures and we were all brought up differently, and I know that he comes from a culture that is concerned with politeness and diplomacy.  I also understand that he probably wanted to preserve the possibility that she would dance with him again in the future.  After all, he thought that she was nice too.

And what should *I* have done?  I should have skipped Frank's entirely and just had sex with him.  I would have avoided all that weirdness. ;)  On the other hand, I wouldn't have had anything to blog about, would I?

Who knows if it's good or bad?  ;)

Ah, August again

August 2006 - My life changed when I joined Second Life.

August 2007 - My life changed when I launched Mer Betta.

August 2008 - My life changed when I joined MODA as a fashion model.

August 2009 - My life changed when I met Second Life friends at the SLCC in San Francisco, the event that started the unraveling of Opal's anonymity.

August 2010 - My life changed when I started dabbling on internet marketing.

August 2011 - My life changed when I got engaged and then disengaged and, in the process, lost someone else (not the one I got engaged to) who was very important to me, but it made me realize that maybe I am more open to a real-life relationship than I thought.

August 2012 - My life is probably going to change again, because I have a book out and I'm about to start a talk show related to the book.

But, maybe, August has been a significant month, long before I first logged into Second Life.  My maternal grandmother, the only natural grandparent I really knew, was born in August.  My paternal uncle who helped raised me and my sisters was born in August.  My parents were married in August.  And, maybe my life also changed in August 1971, except I didn't realize it until this year.

"you complete me"

"you complete me and i really need you"

That's what Impy said today.  He had been very busy this week that he hardly had time even for emails.  Yesterday, I had to initiate the email threads twice.  Today, no emails waited for me when I woke up.

I figured he was fading away.  Real life was pulling him away.  That's how most of my relationships end.  I was expecting the worst.  My heart was breaking.

But he came in this afternoon and, even though he couldn't stay long, our conversation was very heartwarming.  He reassured me that he wasn't fading away; RL was just really busy.

I told him what I needed to feel reassured, but I didn't want him to make any promises.  I told him how I felt, but I didn't want him to apologize.

He said he understood my insecurity, because he felt the same way only a couple of weeks ago.  It was around the time I was arguing with Wolfgang.  I assumed it was just because I was preoccupied.  And, when I'm hurting, I tend to withdraw emotionally from everybody.  I knew that he reads my blog, so he knew what was going on with my other affairs, but I didn't realize that he was also affected by it.

Honestly, I am overwhelmed.  The man fills my cup to overflowing.


This weekend, Wolfgang was also preoccupied with a real-life friend who was going through a very rough spot.  But our relationship is more stable this past week.

The next time we met after he re-leashed me, I knelt as I thought he expected me to.  But he stopped the animation and said that there was no need to kneel.  Even though we are using the collar and leash, he reiterated that our relationship is not BDSM.  He still asks if I want the leash before he puts it on.

The collar and leash are our only symbols of belonging to each other, because we're worried that his ex-friend is still watching Alt#27's profile, so we're not putting anything about each other in our profiles.

Something strange happened last Thursday though.  He suddenly said that I could take advantage of his body for 45 minutes before he had to focus on work.  Then he got naked.  And suddenly, I felt this nervousness, this shyness.  Of course, he was amused that I was "blushing" and "paralyzed" (his own words).  So, I ended up not taking advantage of his body because I was too nervous.

It's not that I was naked in front of him, because I was used to being naked with him in various degrees of nakedness.  It's not that we hadn't made love for a very long time, because it really wasn't that long.  He thinks it's because I was wearing the collar and leash outside RP, so there's more realness to our intimacy now.


Meanwhile, Rapido is coming into SL again.  I still rarely see him though. On his Sunday show, he greeted me on the air again as usual, but this time, he added, "My god!  The most beautiful..." Then he continued the rest of his sentence in Spanish.  This was the man who wanted my avie to be "gordita," just like I am in real life, so that comment was confusing, but it felt nice anyway.

Lucky Bastard also came in briefly after a very long absence from SL.  I was in the middle of filming for an ad and I couldn't move my cam or my avatar, so we just had a brief conversation about technical stuff in IM.

Two short respites during an emotionally difficult weekend.  Even though the "difficulty" is all because of my own insecurities.  :)

Ain't no sunshine

I was entertaining an out-of-town friend this weekend.  When I told Impy that I couldn't meet with him Saturday because of that, I sensed disappointment in the very brief pause.

So when he sent me this link (which I saw on Saturday evening), of course, my heart melted.

When I came back Sunday night, I got two surprise gifts from him.  I was stunned.

We had talked about going public with our relationship, but I'm having second thoughts now.  If everybody knew who the wonderful Impy is, some women out there (or men in female avatars) might try to steal him away.  Do I want that risk?   ;)

The power of little things

Last Friday, I met with Wolfgang briefly for a hug.  I decided to end the timeout after a week.  I still had no resolution, but I knew that I couldn't solve it alone.


Last night (or early this morning) was the first time we talked about it.  It was already past his time to head out for lunch, but we were still at an impasse.  We were repeating the same things we said before my timeout week.  I could feel my own anger and frustration starting to rise again.  I asked him if he was having a long lunch or a short one.  He said it would be a short one, and that was the last thing he said before he suddenly logged out.

He didn't log back in right away, so I figured he decided to go to lunch after crashing.  I thought he'd be back in about an hour.  So I browsed some freebie blogs and went to go to a shop that had a hunt going on.  While waiting for things to rez, I decided to brush my teeth and wash up to get ready for bed.  If we were still at an impasse, it was likely going to be a short conversation.

A lot of things went through my head.  Was there really no solution to this?  He turned down the only solution I had in mind, which was to go back to the BDSM relationship.

It was a series of events that changed our relationship:
1. One of his subs became jealous that my name was on his profile.  And my name was the only one that was ever on his profile.
2. Therefore, he removed my name from his profile to solve that issue.
3. Therefore, I became upset because it felt like I lost something, something more than his "protection" (in BDSM terms).
4. Therefore, I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  But he didn't agree right away, which I took as a refusal.  But he eventually created the alt, with a "limitation" about being unable to project into the new alt.
5. Only a short time after he started using the new alt, he released me, even though I was reluctant.  And he said that he felt he lost something, but he refused to do anything that I didn't enjoy.

When I got back to my computer, he had tp'd me back to where we were.  (I still haven't picked up that freebie I wanted to hunt for.)  His building lost power, and that's why he left so abruptly.

So, we continued our conversation.  Just before he lost power, we were talking about our issues with sex.  I had always thought that he didn't want sex, just the sensuality, because he didn't like the way he felt after sex.  As we kept talking, I realized that it was because he usually couldn't have sex because he could easily be interrupted irl.  I also understand why he gave me a different reason in the past.  After all, we didn't know each other well in the beginning.  I understood the "I cannot" much better than the "I don't want" or "I prefer not."  So we agreed that I won't expect sex even if we do "sensual" things.  But if he has the opportunity, he would give me a signal to let me know that there's a chance it would be more than "sensual" that day.


It's all symbols

We again discussed the issue of him claiming me.  When we talked about BDSM, he asked what I liked about it and I said that I liked the sense that he was claiming me as his.  And we talked about what indicates a claim.

The collar and leash was what we had because D/s was the relationship that we started with.  Having my name in his profile was also a way of claiming me.  Partnering (as Impy had chosen) was another way of claiming me.

To Wolfgang, the collar and leash were the most powerful symbols of possession.  But I didn't quite understand why.

I mean I understand why that is true for BDSM people.  Those symbols have acquired a meaning based on their use by so many people for a long time.  It's like words in the dictionary. A new word goes into the dictionary because it has been accepted by the public to mean something specific.  The society had "agreed" on the meaning and symbolism of that word.  It's the same with the collar and leash in the BDSM community.

However, Wolfgang prides himself in being individualistic.  He is not the type of person who would go with the crowd.  And he even says that he's not really a BDSM type either.  It was just something different to try for fun.  So it didn't make sense that he would think that the collar and leash were powerful symbols.

I suggested that we come up with our own symbols and assign meaning to those symbols.  After all, we were both very independent people.  Why would we have to use symbols that the rest of the world have defined?  And, besides, with new symbols, there would be no negative connotations that would affect me emotionally and psychologically.

I realized that even his alt is a symbol.  In fact, everything in this world and in the real world are symbols.  (That's another book idea right there.)  Anything that we attach meaning to is a symbol.


Adding the "h"

He asked what we should do.  I said we could stay the way we are until we come up with an idea.  He reiterated that he was fine the way we were without BDSM.  Then he joked...

[2012/07/23 05:12:42]

Wolfgang#3: ((and you look damn sexy leashed ;) ))

Alt#27: Then leash me!

Wolfgang#3: lol
Wolfgang#3: but you don't like that !

Alt#27: Will you fuck me if you leash me?

Wolfgang#3: leash is not necessary to fuck by luck lol

Alt#27: okay, here's what I'm saying....
Alt#27: If you make love to me each time you leash me, I will associate the leash with pleasure.
Alt#27: Then the meaning of that symbol changes.
Alt#27: For me.
Alt#27: And it's a very concrete signal that means "yes, today, we can fuck."

Wolfgang#3: leash claim you, it is not a message of fuck lol

But the idea of a symbol gaining a different meaning for me made him more open to trying it again, in case there's a possibility that I would associate the collar and leash with the concept of him claiming me, which I like, as opposed to associating them with oppression, which I don't like.

He said that it was my decision what to do next with us, "i just want that you are happy with what we do."  I was surprised.  And awed.  He's a dom by nature, but he was explicitly giving me the decision-making power.

When I thanked him, he said that, when he released me, it was essentially my decision too.  He knew that the only reason I didn't want to be released was because I was afraid to lose "us."  And to him, that was a very wrong reason to stay in BDSM.

We both know that there's no guarantee that it would be better this time around, so we agreed to try it for two weeks then we'll discuss it again.  Then I made the collar visible again, and he re-leashed me.

Right then and there, something changed between us and in each of us.  And he noticed it too.


The power of little things

I realized that we both had already associated a different meaning to the collar and leash.  But we had to "lose" the symbols, in order to see the meaning.  Like we need darkness to define light.

The reason we didn't see it before is because those symbols gained their new meaning during roleplay.  It was the night when we did our first "live" roleplay after weeks of RP in email only.  It was the night my character as a sub "surrendered" to his character as a dom after he "caught" me.  Even though it was just roleplay, we both felt very strong emotions and I remember thinking that it felt like a wedding.  Later, I remarked that the collar and leash bound us together like wedding rings, because even the leash ended in a "ring" around his hand, so he was as bound to me as I was to him.  Of course, at the time, he insisted it was different, even though he later called the leash "the string of our love" during roleplay.

So when he released me, it also felt like a divorce.  As he said, he gave me my "freedom" in more than one sense of the word.

[2012/07/23 06:36:15]

Wolfgang#3: that s funny how much 2 little things can make you so more desirable

Alt#27: The leash and the collar?

Wolfgang#3: yes

Alt#27: It's funny that the same two things make me feel closer to you.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: that is more understandable for me as it link us materially

Alt#27: For me, it's because of that night.

Wolfgang#3: the link was cut, and it appears again, symbol of it
Wolfgang#3: so it leads us to feel closer

Alt#27: /me nods.
Alt#27: Because of a meaning that we previously attached to it.

Wolfgang#3: yes
Wolfgang#3: power of little things

Examining the bar

I was ready to send Wolfgang an email last night to tell him I was ready to meet.  Then I realized that I was "ready," only because I miss him.  I still had no resolution to bring to the table.

A long time ago, I heard of a study of couples, done by John Gottman, who claims to be able to predict which newly weds would divorce based on micro-expressions on the couple's faces that are not visible to the human eye, but can be clearly seen on slow-motion video.

And as I was looking it up, I found this video of John Gottman himself, talking about building trust.



Around 3:10, he talks about CLalt (Comparison Level for Alternatives), where he said:

"Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner, of building resentment rather than gratitude, of lower investment in the relationship, less dependency for getting your needs met, not sacrificing for the relationship, and escalating conflicts so it becomes an absorbing state."

And that hit home.  CLalt was that "bar" that Impy raised.

When I first surrendered to Wolfgang as his sub, he was very reluctant to add Alt#27's name to his profile to say that she is under his protection, as is customary in BDSM circles.  Even though he had other subs, he never placed anybody's name in his profile.  I had to argue that me putting his name on my profile as being protected by him wouldn't hold water if he doesn't confirm it in his own profile.

Impy wanted a partnership, specifically because he wanted my name in his profile officially.

I think I had asked Wolfgang to create an alt just for me since the beginning, but he refused because of his own philosophy about his own alts.  He didn't want a throw-away alt; he didn't want an alt that he would put to sleep after the relationship is over.  So when one of his subs threw a tantrum because he had my name in his profile and not hers, he removed my name.  I again asked him to create an alt just for me.  He argued against it again.  And it was the same time we argued about the tracker as well.  To appease me, he said he didn't definitively say "no."  And eventually, he relented and created an alt, but warned me that he probably won't give that new alt his essence.

When I suggested that Impy create a new alt for me in order for us to have privacy, he did so the very next day.

Wolfgang refuses to explicitly say that he loves me, not in any language.  He said that he prefers to say "I like you," but he never said that to me either.  He said that his actions should be enough.  And yet, one of his former friends started harassing me because she mistook his actions as romantic, instead of platonic.  He pointed out little clues in our RP, but am I supposed to accept his RP as real?

Impy is emotionally expressive.  Not just in his actions, but in his words as well.  I don't remember a day when he forgot to say he loves me, whether in English or in Spanish.

Wolfgang hates to talk by voice. Impy loves to listen to my voice.

Wolfgang never read a single blog post that I wrote.  He picked up my book long ago, but he still hasn't read it. Impy inhaled my blogs and my book, because he was very curious about who I am.

Is it any wonder that my CLalt zoomed upwards?

Granted, I'm not Wolfgang's best lover either.  He says I read things into what he says and I argue too much.

When he mentioned that all his other lovers were devoted to him alone and that I'm the only one with other lovers besides him, I took it as a complaint.  When he talked about starting a diet to lose a few pounds, I took it as an insult about my RL weight.  When he refused to arrange to have someone notify me if anything happened to him, he said that only his family and his RL friends would know when he passed on, and none of his SL friends would, ... well, what right did I have to assume I had at least some importance to him?

He enjoyed "sensuality" like dancing with me half-naked.  When I told him that those things usually aroused me and that I was left frustrated, he indicated that I should be able to find someone to satisfy me, even though I insisted that sex without emotions was not as satisfying and it was always difficult to find a good partner.  I started to tell him about an ex-lover who made a point of arousing me then logging off without satisfying me.  That was when he said that he's not my other lovers.  So I never got the chance to tell him that I broke off that relationship precisely because of that repeated sexual frustration.

I am not ignoring the wonderful things he does for me.  I am not forgetting that he refuses to do something if it doesn't also give me pleasure, that he compliments the work I do, that he gives me his time even while he's working, that he hurries back from lunch because he knows I am waiting, that he has confided in me more than he has confided in most people.

And I cannot dismiss the fact that I love him.  And he has, in fact, become a bit more expressive lately, more tender, more caring.

I still don't know what to do.  If we leave things the way they are, we'll eventually break up and just be friends, which means I'll just ignore him.

Maybe this is just growing pains.  But growing how?  If I'm just another "SL friend," is it worth investing more time and effort in this relationship?