Crossing the line

I've done it. I've crossed the last line I drew on the sand. This past week, I met two Second Life lovers in real life.

The first was a recent lover; the second was a lover in the distant past. Both are very dear friends, who have touched my life in a significant way.

But the meetings couldn't be more different.

The first gave me an hour or so of his day; the second gave me an entire day. The first was emotionally distant, although he was very friendly; the second was emotionally very warm and intimate.

Both gave me warm hugs. The first gave me a hug before we parted; it was the end of the meeting. The second gave me a hug soon after we met up; it was the beginning of the day.

With the first, our meeting was like a business lunch. With the second, our meeting was like a long-awaited reunion; it felt as though we had met before.

But there is another line that I crossed. The first had a meal with me and satisfied a physical hunger; the second made love to me and satisfied an emotional hunger.

Even the lovemaking felt very comfortable, as though we had done it before. He said that we *had* done it before -- in our minds, in our hearts, in our souls.

He knows how to make a woman feel beautiful and desirable, not just with his words, but with his caresses and his kisses. And that makes him a wonderful lover. Most men think it's a technique that makes them great in bed; it isn't. It's how he makes his partner feel about herself.

The whole day felt surreal, like a dream. And it was very difficult to say goodbye. He stayed with me until the airport shuttle arrived to pick me up early the next day.

This experience changed me, to say the least. And it changed me in many ways. It is significant in my real life as well, because it ended a long fast and broke down self-imposed walls.

What happens now is still up in the air. I'm not expecting anything from him; time is still an issue. I still have other lovers, and he knows that. But the fact that he and I made love in real life sets him apart. Not because real life sex has a higher value than virtual sex (although it is definitely more satisfying), but because he has seen my real self naked and he still thinks I'm beautiful.

Of course, he said that when he wasn't wearing his glasses. ... Hmmm.... :-\

Midnight Yes's

We've been talking every night at midnight these days. Sometimes we talk until 3am; sometimes, until 6am. By voice.

He read all my blogs, both SL and RL. He knows pretty much everything about me now. That's not unusual; other lovers have done that in the past. What impresses me is that he notes what I like and does what he thinks would please me.

He read the background story of my RP alt and, because her character is based on a book, he went out to buy the book.

I invited him to join me in roleplay so we would have an activity we could do together. He's not comfortable with roleplaying, because he doesn't feel confident about his English, although he had done some fighting roleplay in the past in his own language. But he was very willing to try and, last night, he had already come up with the background story for his character.

I had also told him about a scene I had witnessed, where an anthro and a human female slave were having sex, and I mentioned that I was surprised at how erotic that was. The other day, he said he had a surprise for me. He had bought the same anthro avatar. O... M... G..... *swoons*

Without any prompting, he decided to create an alt for me. He asked what name I wanted him to use, then, on his own accord, he tacked on Alt #11's last name. He wore several skins and hair with his main alt, and there was a specific skin and hair I liked. He bought those for his new alt.

There are many more little details that he could have picked up only by reading my blogs. He pays attention. And he acts on them generously. And I am overwhelmed. It feels as though he's trying to bring me into his life through these objects and experiences that are part of my life.

He's careful about saying "yes" so he doesn't inadvertently arouse me. :D But he says "yes" with his actions instead, and that melts my heart.

Midnight is now our routine. He meets me when he wakes up and we spend time together until I start falling asleep. In a conversation with one of my RP sisters, I told her that I didn't have much time because I was expecting a lover at midnight. So she called him my "midnight lover." I joked that I'm the anti-Cinderella because I actually look forward to midnight.

Once he said that he wants to break my record of 10 months for one affair.

I hope he does.

Yes Man

I met him a week ago. He has been in SL almost as long as I have, and he still loves it. He's neither a techie nor an artist, so he didn't fit the stereotype of an early adopter. He found Alt #11 at Frank's, sitting alone and he sat by me and kept me company.

Nothing particularly special about the conversation, except that he asked incisive questions so I ended up telling some old personal history that wasn't pleasant. He was very understanding, but I still felt bad that the conversation ended on an iffy note, and it was already 4am so I had to get to bed.

Yesterday, I saw him log in and said hi. He said he was going sailing and that there was a spare seat on the boat. Well, I was in a gown at Frank's, so I waited til he tp'd me before I changed into a bikini. Then we sailed all over Blake Sea, and chatted. Again, just pleasant conversation. Nothing particularly special.

After lag caught up with us and a couple of crashes, we spent time at a nearby island which had swimming poseballs, so we swam around and raced and chatted. We decided to try voice so we could talk while exploring. Then we switched to Skype because his voice was too muffled, so I had to create a Skype account for Alt #11. Since English is not his first language, he was a bit worried that he would not be able to understand me, so I promised I'd type things out if he couldn't, and I tried to remember to speak slower and in simpler English. But he understood me fine most of the time anyway.

At least twice, our avies dog-paddled in the same spot right next to each other, when the conversation became intense. But it was much much later before the conversation got to sex. We talked about sex like we were talking about everyday things. I wasn't particularly aroused, and I think he was slightly. But as I was giving my opinion about certain things, he just naturally said "Yes" once in a while to agree with me.

But there was something about those Yes's. It was the way he said it, combined with some memory in my mind. He drew out the "s" and he said it in a soft whisper. The first time he said "Yes", I had to pause. I was feeling something. Then he said it again the same way. And again. And suddenly I was aroused.

The way he said "Yes" was exactly the same way a past lover said it, except that past lover was saying it while we were making love or during a prelude to sex. I don't even remember which past lover it was! I just remember that he was saying "Yes" that way while I was RPing doing pleasurable things to him.

So, just the sound of that "Yes" was intensely arousing! I'm like Pavlov's dogs!

Well, that was at 4am; I was ready to go to bed. But because of those Yes's, I didn't log off until 6am.

Ohhhh, yessssss! *winks*

I'm in the book!

I should be in bed. I just spent all of yesterday cleaning up my old place, and all of the previous day moving. But I'm too excited so I'm blogging instead.

I got two messages from Gracie Kendal's mass mailing bot:

"Hi Opal! We did it! More than one thousand avatars have posed for Gracie Kendal's 1000+ Avatar Project. Thank you for being part of this project. You are all amazing, creative and soulful people. I am honored you chose to participate."

"Now for the good news! I have collected the first 1000 Avatar portraits into book form and, if you are receiving this message, your portrait is included! Check out my blog for more info www.1000avatars.wordpress.com"

I'M IN THE BOOK!!! *jumps up and down"

Go check it out. If you hurry, you get a $5 discount, which you can use for shipping instead. And if you pre-order through her, she'll even autograph it for you.

I haven't seen it yet, but I think it won't be the runaway bride picture. :)

Another piece of his armor

I did something seemingly innocuous that actually affected Rocky in real life. He came in last night to request that I fix it, and he loosely explained the situation which revealed a bit more about him. And the dynamic between us changed because of it. At least on my side.

To know someone is to love someone.

When a stranger opens up and reveals himself, he stops being a stranger. Most people think that if they reveal too much of themselves, others would flee or would hurt them. I found the opposite to be true. There's something endearing about witnessing someone else's vulnerability. When people shed their armor, trust flows and they become easier to love.

And, I tell ya, when the trust flows, it's easier to get an orgasm... or two... or three... or a ten-minute chain of them. *giggles*

Of course, it helps that he turned out to be a really good cyberer, in spite of his lack of experience. *grins*

Now, if he'd only come in more often.... (Hint, hint!)

Waves on the sand

Updates

1.
Lucky Bastard was speechless. He found me in Yahoo the morning after I wrote the last entry. My email was "very unexpected." He said, "i care but i do not want to go that deep... where my emotions take over my life in sl." I knew that; he had been telling me that all along. I told him I didn't expect him to, and I'm not asking him to. I was just expressing how I felt. But I stopped logging into Yahoo, since I log there just for him anyway. Maybe a little distance would center me.

2.
Rapido stopped talking to me. He didn't reply to my IMs when he logged in. Two days now. I sense he's mad at me. Or jealous because of that blog entry. *sigh* When I was with him last October, we were exclusive even though we didn't make that commitment, simply because I saw him everyday. When he came back recently, we hadn't had a chance to talk and I brought it up the last time we were together; I said that all we did was have sex. His response was that, when he's with me, sex is all he could think about. And that was a very sweet thing to say, especially since he knows what I look like irl. But I don't think he knew I have other lovers this time. Or maybe he has a new lover now. But I still think it's rude for him to not even reply back with a "hi". *sigh*

Update: He's not mad at me. He said his son must have used his account. *sigh*

3.
Spot sent Alt #11 an unexpected message. He said he was leaving SL, but he offered his email address and said he would be honored if I would correspond with him, because of the thousand or so people he met in SL, I was one of the very few who was "different". The message was unexpected because we kinda agreed not to talk to each other anymore, although he *did* wave at me once, when he saw me at Frank's. After a few emails back and forth, we talked in Google Talk a couple of times and exchanged RL info. I convinced him to create a new alt (which he created just to talk to me because it's inconvenient for me to log into Google Talk). I've been telling him about all the activities I've done in SL just to illustrate that there's much much more to SL than "idle banter" and that there's a big wide world outside Frank's.

4.
And Rocky came back from a trip. I was a bit pissed at him because we exchanged email addresses so he could stay in touch while he was traveling, but he didn't check the email address he gave me until he got back from his trip, because, as he says, it's not part of his routine yet. *sigh* But we had a lovely evening anyway. He tp'd me to Sunset Jazz where we stood hugging for a long time (we never even entered the club), then I tp'd him back to my place to show him what I had built. While we were there, I introduced him to Gmok, then to Umpa Lumpa, then to Hottie, then to Admiral Creaky. Of course, he pretended to be jealous. But there were sexual undertones in the conversation and the giggling, and one thing led to another.... :) Lately, we had been talking about what we would do when we meet in real life, in detail, like going to that dim sum restaurant we both like. So I asked him if he was serious about meeting me irl. He said he was. It was just a matter of scheduling. At this point, we figure that July would be the earliest. So, we'd have our own fireworks.... ;)


Waves

If you asked me how many lovers I have now, I cannot say. It seems that my love affairs are changing and taking on shades of gray. Lovers fade in and fade out. The delineation between would-be lover and lover and that between lover and ex have blurred. Lovers come and go and come and go again. Like waves coming up the shore and withdrawing again. And each time a wave comes and goes, the sand changes. Each time a lover comes and goes, a part of me changes. And, sometimes, it's only after the wave withdraws that we see the change in the sand.

I've become a liability

Lucky Bastard was gone for almost a week and I didn't know why. He hadn't been gone that long in the past without letting me know. I knew he was busy with work and I just assumed he didn't have time.

Unfortunately, during that time, I needed him, his presence. He always calmed me down and that is enough to help me get through what I needed to get through. Rare are the people who enable you simply with their presence.

When he came back, we had an ordinary conversation. I found out that he was on a business trip. Then we talked about SL. He asked how I was; he always did. I told him I was fine.

The next day, I sent him an email.

The week he was gone, I had been very emotional. In spite of the presence of other lovers, I had missed him specifically and strongly, and I don't know why. Many times, the tears flowed easily simply because I felt overwhelmed with the emotion. And it wasn't the emotion of missing him; it was the emotion of loving him. And it was that intense emotion of loving him that made me miss him, even though he wasn't gone that long.

I think I've come to that point where I want more and the "more" is out of reach. I told him that I'm toeing the line between SL and RL, but at the same time I don't want to ruin his RL.

I wrote these in the email. I told him of this delirious desire to merge with him. It wasn't a sexual desire, nor a romantic one. It was a spiritual desire.

And as I read what I wrote, I realized that, based on my belief system, I am already linked to him spiritually. And that eased my heart a bit. Enough to get some sleep.

That was five days ago. No response. And he hadn't logged into SL nor into Yahoo Chat since that email.

I don't blame him. I've become a liability.