There is nothing that could make us feel as incredibly vulnerable as an intimate relationship does, even if that relationship is just a fantasy. Trusting someone frees us to open up. If we feel safe, we trust a little bit and open up a little bit. If we still feel safe, we trust even more and open up even more. It's a necessary spiral towards deeper intimacy.
But, when we open up and realize that it isn't safe, we quickly put on an armor. And, more often than not, the armor has long poisonous spikes. So the mere act of putting on that armor hurts the people who are closest to us, whether we intend to hurt them or not. And that pain makes them feel vulnerable, so they also put on their armor, which hurts us back. And the spiral reverses.
Trust is so fragile. So difficult to earn and so easy to lose. And the only way to stop that loss is to take off the armor and be vulnerable again. But, oh!, the pain.
These past couple of days, I kept hearing a song from "Evita" in my head -- the one sang by Peron's lover after Evita arrives and sends her packing.
I don't expect my love affairs to last for long
Never fool myself that my dreams will come true
Being used to trouble I anticipate it
But all the same I hate it -- wouldn't you?
So what happens now? (Another suitcase in another hall)
So what happens now? (Take your picture off another wall)
Where am I going to? (You'll get by, you always have before)
Where am I going to?