August had been significant in my Second Life. This past August, I thought it was the disaster with 6969 that was the change in SL. What I didn't realize was that there was something else as well.
The same day I met 6969, I met two pilgrims who followed me up a mountain and through a labyrinth. The next day, both pilgrims contacted me separately at the same time and we had another quick but funny exchange with the blonde sending us pictures of him doing the belly dance.
With a trip and the affair with 6969, I didn't find reason to log in as Alt #11 for a long while.
Last Sunday, in between the Burn2 temple burns, I logged into Alt #11 since I was too wound up to nap. Besides, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to wake up in time for the 3am burn.
I found the Irishman online and said hi, which was lucky for him because he was figuring out why he lost his legs after taking off his boots. After we got that sorted out, we sat down at Kannonji for a chat.
He said that he and the blonde had gotten together and became lovers. The blonde is polyamorous and has other lovers. And it sounded as though the Irishman wanted to be one of my lovers as well. "You were the person I most wanted to see again here at SL," he said. So, he was going to ask the blonde if it was alright with him.
The blonde said no.
I don't know how the conversation went, but that was that. I asked if the blonde would allow us to remain friends. The Irishman said it was fine; in fact, he thought that the blonde was also "smitten" with me. But I had the feeling that he was broken-hearted. He was torn. He adored the blonde; he said so repeatedly. And he adored me.
It didn't matter to me. From my perspective, we simply wouldn't have SLex. It would still be more than a casual friendship, so I'd make time for it. He asked if I would ever spend time with both of them at the same time. I told him that I don't really have time for casual get-togethers, but I would make time for climbing the mountain again.
That conversation happened yesterday. This morning, I realized that, if I continued to see the Irishman alone, it would eventually undermine their relationship, so I left him an offline. The blonde was online so I tried to contact him, but he wasn't responding and I had to go.
So I went through my day, then in the evening, I checked email and found messages from both of them. The blonde said yes to meeting. The Irishman said the blonde left him for his female lover, and he added that he was leaving SL and he said his goodbyes.
It upset me unexpectedly. All I could think of was going back to the mountain, and I walked up it without stopping. I was on a pilgrimage again. At the entrance to the labyrinth, I cried. I hardly know him, but I still felt deep sadness. I walked the labyrinth. It was a prayer for him to heal. I sent him a message that I walked it for him. Afterwards, I stood just outside the labyrinth and reminisced.
Not long after, he logged in and responded. I tried to teleport him; he refused to come. Thinking it was the memories associated with the mountain, I went to Kannonji. He still refused to come. But in the conversation, he happened to mention he was in Dublin because it was at least somewhat familiar. I searched for the Dublin sim and teleported there. Then I found him with the radar and teleported there. He was sitting on the bridge, so I sat next to him. And we talked.
I found out about the lies. He and the blonde had been lovers long before SL, and the blonde had told him to pretend that they didn't know each other when we met. He had told me about the D/s nature of their relationship. Tonight, I learned about the abuse from his childhood. I learned about his deep love for the blonde, about the last time the blonde left him, about his attempted suicide, about his hopeless dreams for a future with him. I was crying the whole time.
He said he was leaving "this world." I made him promise not to take his life, and he promised. In the end, he promised to send me a message that he was okay. He wasn't going to take anything electronic with him, but I suggested that he send a postcard to his friend in the UK and ask her to send me an email. He agreed.
Then he left. On a new pilgrimage perhaps. To heal.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
All in my mind
"The Train Has Left," said NicoleX Moonwall in this video. When she sent out this video link to the MaMachinima group today, it brought back memories.
I associate some places with certain people. I associate AM Radio's "Far and Away" with the first Young Monk. I had gotten too emotionally involved; he didn't want a relationship. So, almost a year ago, we said our final goodbyes.
Today, I was reminiscing and looked up his profile to see what I had written on it. It's no longer in Search; he had deleted the account.
Soon, the wheat fields too would be gone.
Maybe that's a good thing. When all traces of the affair are wiped out, maybe my mind would question if it really happened.
On the other hand, it was just all in my mind anyway.
Some say that the only thing that's real in the universe is our experience of it. The transience of a virtual world painfully makes it even more obvious.
Non-attachment is a very difficult lesson to learn.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Love logs
I log my chats.
Like so many things in SL, some people don't mind and some people do. The debate about logging has gone far back, since before I joined SL. These days, it's pretty much assumed that everyone logs chat.
I think it was MAMJJ who was the first person who expressed that he was worried that I logged chat. I explained why I do.
When people worry about logging chat, it's because they fear their own words would be used against them. I have no intention of doing that. Although chat logs have helped me when I caught someone in a lie.
The primary reason I log chats is a selfish one. I want to remember the good moments, the intimate moments, the heartwarming moments. Moments that pass all too quickly. So I could re-live them. So I could feel again the same contentment or passion or joy. So I could feel loved again, at times when I badly need a hug and there is no one there.
They're not chat logs; they're love logs. And I found much love in those logs today.
Like so many things in SL, some people don't mind and some people do. The debate about logging has gone far back, since before I joined SL. These days, it's pretty much assumed that everyone logs chat.
I think it was MAMJJ who was the first person who expressed that he was worried that I logged chat. I explained why I do.
When people worry about logging chat, it's because they fear their own words would be used against them. I have no intention of doing that. Although chat logs have helped me when I caught someone in a lie.
The primary reason I log chats is a selfish one. I want to remember the good moments, the intimate moments, the heartwarming moments. Moments that pass all too quickly. So I could re-live them. So I could feel again the same contentment or passion or joy. So I could feel loved again, at times when I badly need a hug and there is no one there.
They're not chat logs; they're love logs. And I found much love in those logs today.
Wednesday, September 07, 2011
JustForOpal
I was offline when he logged in. A half hour later, my email got delivered and I got a few of the popups in the bottom right of my screen that fade all too quickly. But I glimpsed something that said "JustForOpal".
My first thought was that it was junk mail, and I groaned. I get enough junk mail with my regular email address. I didn't want to get junk mail in my Second Life emails too!
Then, I went to my inbox and realized that JustForOpal is a resident's name, and there was nothing in the message, except "woopf". I thought, "Omg, do I have a stalker?"
I couldn't log in right away to see the notecard he sent, but it only took me about a minute of wracking my brain when I realized who it was. It was Spot.
He had left SL several months ago, but I convinced him to create an alt for me so we could continue talking. He did. And he said it was only for talking to me. Well, I guess he got tempted and he tainted that alt. Then he left again. LOL. He didn't say why, but he must have gotten brokenhearted again. *sigh*
Now, this one is really just for talking to me. And his name says it. Let's see how long he can keep this one pure. *giggles*
I told him to put this in his profile About:
"If I'm talking to you for more than 5 minutes and you're not Opal Lei, please report me to Opal Lei. I owe her 1,000L for every time I use this alt for something else besides talking or dancing with her."
He hasn't yet.
*grins*
My first thought was that it was junk mail, and I groaned. I get enough junk mail with my regular email address. I didn't want to get junk mail in my Second Life emails too!
Then, I went to my inbox and realized that JustForOpal is a resident's name, and there was nothing in the message, except "woopf". I thought, "Omg, do I have a stalker?"
I couldn't log in right away to see the notecard he sent, but it only took me about a minute of wracking my brain when I realized who it was. It was Spot.
He had left SL several months ago, but I convinced him to create an alt for me so we could continue talking. He did. And he said it was only for talking to me. Well, I guess he got tempted and he tainted that alt. Then he left again. LOL. He didn't say why, but he must have gotten brokenhearted again. *sigh*
Now, this one is really just for talking to me. And his name says it. Let's see how long he can keep this one pure. *giggles*
I told him to put this in his profile About:
"If I'm talking to you for more than 5 minutes and you're not Opal Lei, please report me to Opal Lei. I owe her 1,000L for every time I use this alt for something else besides talking or dancing with her."
He hasn't yet.
*grins*
Turning five, ... and the romance of Scrum
I started writing this blog entry and forgot all about it. No, it's not the age thing; it's the long to-do list thing. After my rez day party, I started immediately on a project And, now, I have a couple of things I want to talk about, so, you -- my dear readers -- get a two-for-one deal.
Five
I turned five a week ago.
Anyway, the last time I threw a party was on my first rez day anniversary. The following years, I just created gifts for friends. But, since it's the fifth year, I figured it was time for another bash.
Before the party, I was very nervous. Everything was planned at the last minute. I contacted musicians only in the past couple of weeks, and I built the venue only that morning. I got my nephew to perform at the first hour, but we had to do it using the voice channel, because we couldn't figure out how to set up the stream. Capos Calderwood performed in the second hour, and I am incredibly grateful that he never says "no" to me. :) I had asked TallGuy as well but he couldn't make it because of a planned long-distance trip early the next morning. I also asked a couple of DJs but both had RL commitments. *sigh* I should have planned much sooner, but there were too many other things to worry about.
But this feels like a turning point, you know? It's like turning 50. Like having a midlife crisis.
I still have the uncanny thing about things in August changing my life. Lots have happened this past August. And I'm sure their effects are going to reverberate throughout my life.
Agile relationships
After my breakup with 6969, I was chatting with Lucky Bastard and we talked about what I really want. I said that I have nothing against a long-term relationship in real life; I just don't want to commit. I have an issue with the "till death do us part" when we know damn well that the odds of keeping that promise are against us. Even worse for second marriages.
He gave me permission to quote him, so...
So, there. That's what I want... an Agile relationship... a Scrum relationship. :D
Gotta love nerds and their sense of humor. :D
Five
I turned five a week ago.
Anyway, the last time I threw a party was on my first rez day anniversary. The following years, I just created gifts for friends. But, since it's the fifth year, I figured it was time for another bash.
Before the party, I was very nervous. Everything was planned at the last minute. I contacted musicians only in the past couple of weeks, and I built the venue only that morning. I got my nephew to perform at the first hour, but we had to do it using the voice channel, because we couldn't figure out how to set up the stream. Capos Calderwood performed in the second hour, and I am incredibly grateful that he never says "no" to me. :) I had asked TallGuy as well but he couldn't make it because of a planned long-distance trip early the next morning. I also asked a couple of DJs but both had RL commitments. *sigh* I should have planned much sooner, but there were too many other things to worry about.
But this feels like a turning point, you know? It's like turning 50. Like having a midlife crisis.
I still have the uncanny thing about things in August changing my life. Lots have happened this past August. And I'm sure their effects are going to reverberate throughout my life.
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too -- even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."
~ Morrie Schwartz, from "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom
Agile relationships
After my breakup with 6969, I was chatting with Lucky Bastard and we talked about what I really want. I said that I have nothing against a long-term relationship in real life; I just don't want to commit. I have an issue with the "till death do us part" when we know damn well that the odds of keeping that promise are against us. Even worse for second marriages.
He gave me permission to quote him, so...
[2011-08-29 15:18:28] LB: you do want commitment?
[2011-08-29 15:19:07] Opal Lei: What I want is for someone to choose to be with me, with or without commitment, for the rest of my life.
[2011-08-29 15:19:30] Opal Lei: And for him to CHOOSE to be with me each day.
[2011-08-29 15:19:44] Opal Lei: Not just be forced to be with me.
[2011-08-29 15:19:51] LB: but that is commitment
[2011-08-29 15:19:55] Opal Lei: No.
[2011-08-29 15:20:03] Opal Lei: Because he could change his mind one day.
[2011-08-29 15:20:24] Opal Lei: And when he does, he's free to go.
[2011-08-29 15:20:38] Opal Lei: Of course, the same goes from my side.
[2011-08-29 15:20:48] LB: but in the same sentence you say for the rest of the life
[2011-08-29 15:21:00] Opal Lei: that would be nice, but not required.
[2011-08-29 15:21:07] Opal Lei: the *required* is the key difference.
[2011-08-29 15:21:55] LB: i see that as a commitment
[2011-08-29 15:22:06] Opal Lei: Even without the promise?
[2011-08-29 15:22:30] LB: it is my perspective
[2011-08-29 15:22:44] Opal Lei nods
[2011-08-29 15:23:59] Opal Lei: I see the difference between staying with someone voluntarily and being forced to stay with someone simply because of a promise made.
[2011-08-29 15:24:56] LB: "And for him to CHOOSE to be with me each day"...that is a commitment that i will be here each day
[2011-08-29 15:25:06] Opal Lei: No.
[2011-08-29 15:25:15] Opal Lei: Everyday, he has to choose to be with me or not.
[2011-08-29 15:25:17] LB: i am not looking at it personally
[2011-08-29 15:25:24] Opal Lei smiles.
[2011-08-29 15:25:58] Opal Lei: Everyday, there's a choice to be made.
[2011-08-29 15:26:08] Opal Lei: As opposed to making the choice once.
[2011-08-29 15:26:44] LB: you are shrinking the delta to one day
[2011-08-29 15:26:50] Opal Lei: Yes
[2011-08-29 15:26:56] Opal Lei: Short-term commitment. :D
[2011-08-29 15:27:02] LB: it sounds more like one night stand
[2011-08-29 15:27:17] Opal Lei: Not if you make the same choice for many days.
[2011-08-29 15:27:44] LB: then it is repetitive commitment
[2011-08-29 15:27:55] Opal Lei: Well, I guess that's a good name for it. :)
[2011-08-29 15:28:06] LB: agile..lmao
[2011-08-29 15:28:11] Opal Lei: lol
[2011-08-29 15:28:43] LB: Agile Relationship
[2011-08-29 15:28:47] Opal Lei: LOL
So, there. That's what I want... an Agile relationship... a Scrum relationship. :D
Gotta love nerds and their sense of humor. :D
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Disaster averted
It's over. As quickly as it started, it's over.
Day before yesterday, something happened that made me worried sick about him, and no message from him at all for 24 hours. When we finally met, I gave him my phone number to call in case of an emergency.
He refused to give me his. That raised a red flag.
When I confronted him about it, he tried to turn the tables around. I was asking legitimate questions; he was avoiding answering them.
I commented that Googling for his real name only returns one item -- the Twitter account he created for me. His reply: "I'm slightly startled by this new side of you."
I reminded him that I revealed more about myself than he did about himself. His reply: "Now i'm intrigued, maybe i should learn more about you"
He asked if he needs to be a public person like me. I said no, but if he had to hide from me, if he didn't trust me enough, why did he ask me to marry him?
I accused him of playing me.
He accused me of not being into "this" at all.
I said, "There is no "this", is there?"
I told him that I wanted the truth. And I reminded him that he promised me brutal honesty.
He stood there for eight minutes without a word. Then he logged off.
He replied to my tweet about allowing myself to be gullible and said that I'm a victim of my own imagination. When I logged into SL, he still would not explain and started the argument again. He said that, if I was hoping for an amiable parting, I wasn't going to get it from him. He dissolved the friendship, and that was that.
I respect people's privacy. I respect people's need to be anonymous. I don't mind if people hide their information from me, but I won't tolerate lies and I won't risk my personal safety.
Everyday, people all over the world exchange contact information all the time. Phone numbers, email addresses, postal addresses. We give this information to strangers all the time. I would have been fine if he never gave me any personal information, except he wanted me to marry him in real life! And we were talking about him spending a month with me so we could be sure it was what we both wanted. That meant, I was inviting a stranger into my home. *That* is risking my personal safety. Yet, he could not give me something as benign as his phone number. Any normal person would seriously wonder why not. *I* panicked.
Rocky is the only current lover whose real-life identity I do not know, and I inadvertently found out why. But he had given me enough information about himself for me to comfortably risk meeting him in a public place someday. Besides I had witnessed how he behaves; I even teased him by calling him Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. And, ... he didn't ask me to marry him.
6969 said "no secrets". When he said that, I gave him the names of all my alts; not even my RL sister knows all those names. And I gave him the website with all the links to all my online presences and personas, both virtual and real. Full disclosure. Now, I realize that, when he said "no secrets," he really meant I wasn't allowed to hide secrets from him, but he's allowed to hide his basic information from me. [sarcasm]Silly me. How could I have missed that?[/sarcasm]
The last thing he said today was "thank god this didnt go any further." I agree. Disaster averted.
Day before yesterday, something happened that made me worried sick about him, and no message from him at all for 24 hours. When we finally met, I gave him my phone number to call in case of an emergency.
He refused to give me his. That raised a red flag.
When I confronted him about it, he tried to turn the tables around. I was asking legitimate questions; he was avoiding answering them.
I commented that Googling for his real name only returns one item -- the Twitter account he created for me. His reply: "I'm slightly startled by this new side of you."
I reminded him that I revealed more about myself than he did about himself. His reply: "Now i'm intrigued, maybe i should learn more about you"
He asked if he needs to be a public person like me. I said no, but if he had to hide from me, if he didn't trust me enough, why did he ask me to marry him?
I accused him of playing me.
He accused me of not being into "this" at all.
I said, "There is no "this", is there?"
I told him that I wanted the truth. And I reminded him that he promised me brutal honesty.
He stood there for eight minutes without a word. Then he logged off.
He replied to my tweet about allowing myself to be gullible and said that I'm a victim of my own imagination. When I logged into SL, he still would not explain and started the argument again. He said that, if I was hoping for an amiable parting, I wasn't going to get it from him. He dissolved the friendship, and that was that.
I respect people's privacy. I respect people's need to be anonymous. I don't mind if people hide their information from me, but I won't tolerate lies and I won't risk my personal safety.
Everyday, people all over the world exchange contact information all the time. Phone numbers, email addresses, postal addresses. We give this information to strangers all the time. I would have been fine if he never gave me any personal information, except he wanted me to marry him in real life! And we were talking about him spending a month with me so we could be sure it was what we both wanted. That meant, I was inviting a stranger into my home. *That* is risking my personal safety. Yet, he could not give me something as benign as his phone number. Any normal person would seriously wonder why not. *I* panicked.
Rocky is the only current lover whose real-life identity I do not know, and I inadvertently found out why. But he had given me enough information about himself for me to comfortably risk meeting him in a public place someday. Besides I had witnessed how he behaves; I even teased him by calling him Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. And, ... he didn't ask me to marry him.
6969 said "no secrets". When he said that, I gave him the names of all my alts; not even my RL sister knows all those names. And I gave him the website with all the links to all my online presences and personas, both virtual and real. Full disclosure. Now, I realize that, when he said "no secrets," he really meant I wasn't allowed to hide secrets from him, but he's allowed to hide his basic information from me. [sarcasm]Silly me. How could I have missed that?[/sarcasm]
The last thing he said today was "thank god this didnt go any further." I agree. Disaster averted.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Choices
For someone who is not religious, I have a lot of beliefs, most of which are not particularly mainstream either.
And two of them come into play these days....
1.
Many years ago, my youngest sister recommended the book "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. I don't remember why she did. It was the only new age book she ever recommended to me.
The theory of the book is that our souls belong to soul groups or soul families that keep reincarnating together. (Of course, this assumes that one believes in souls and reincarnation.) The roles and gender may change, but the connection remains. Before we come back to earth for a new life, we make mutual contracts with other souls in our soul group to help us learn whatever lesson we choose to learn in that lifetime. And there would be something, maybe even seemingly innocuous, that would help our soul recognize that other soul. When the contract is fulfilled, we then part ways until the next lifetime.
If that theory is true, I've come up with a corollary to it.
I believe that, when we are attracted to someone, it's because our soul is recognizing one of those souls that we have a contract with. And when we fall in love, we aren't falling in love with that person for the first time. We have loved them from eternity, and we will continue to love them till eternity. Falling in love is just a remembering of that eternal love.
2.
I also believe in synchronicity, in fate, in predetermination. We *perceive* free will only at a certain level. It's just like how we perceive solids to be impenetrable, when we know that there are huge spaces between the atomic particles. Or just like how we perceive our individuality, our separation from each other. I would even argue that the choices we think we're making in the name of free will is predetermined. It's just another effect after a long string of causes. Or maybe a web of causes.
Some of those causes may be psychological because of some past experience; some may be contextual because of the current situation. Sometimes, we might not even be aware of what those causes are. But, ultimately, fate narrows our choices to one, long before we have to make the decision.
Many people could not grasp the idea that I could honestly and deeply love more than one man at a time. Actually, it was a man who questioned it. The idea of monogamy -- or, more specifically, serial monogamy -- has been so ingrained in our culture. People understand having multiple sexual partners, but they cannot understand multiple romantic relationships.
How can you love just one child if you have several, I asked him. He said, this was different; this was a romantic relationship.
But, in some cases, it isn't just a romantic relationship. Or a romantic-and-sexual relationship. In some cases, it's a spiritual relationship, manifesting as a romantic relationship in this lifetime and expressed as a sexual relationship.
And I don't love them as a group, as a celebrity would love their fans as a group. I deeply love each of them individually and differently. Because each of them is different. And the dynamic of each relationship is different.
Loving one child does not diminish our love for another child. Love for one parent does not diminish our love for another parent. Love for one sibling does not diminish our love for another sibling. Love for one friend does not diminish our love for another friend.
Love as an emotion is not a zero-sum game. However, a lifetime is. And so we prioritize and make choices. And the mores of this society demand that we commit to only one mate at a time.
Most of my lovers are married in real life. There was no way the relationship was going outside of Second Life, although I tried once. One unmarried lover admitted he didn't really love the real me.
So I was left with one choice. We had so much synchronicity in our real lives that I thought he would be it. There were so many near-misses -- opportunities where we could have met, but we didn't. And synchronously, we met after his divorce, when we were both free. But his work took him away so often that I rarely heard from him. But the times when I did were so sweet.
The door was only slightly ajar, just enough for me to peek in, but not enough to let me through, though I've tried to push my way in. I had hoped that one day synchronicity would fully open it for me. After all, synchronicity brought us this far, so I figured it was just a matter of time.
Then I met 6969, and another door opened. And it opened wide. The intensity of his emotions created a vortex that was very hard to resist. Even with all my BUT's. It wasn't the future I imagined I would have. After all, I had given up the dreams of my youth. But there it was. He had answers to all my objections.
Fate narrows our choices to one.
But I am also aware that fate is fickle.
6969 wants forever. From this earthly perspective, there is no forever. But, from a higher perspective, he already has that. From a higher perspective, I love him from eternity until eternity.
The good news is that, from this earthly perspective, there is exclusivity and I give him that. From a higher perspective, there is none. I have met many soulmates in this lifetime before I met him, and I love each of them from eternity until eternity.
And from an even higher perspective, there is no concept of exclusivity at all. Because, from that perspective, there is no "other" to be exclusive with.
And two of them come into play these days....
1.
Many years ago, my youngest sister recommended the book "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. I don't remember why she did. It was the only new age book she ever recommended to me.
The theory of the book is that our souls belong to soul groups or soul families that keep reincarnating together. (Of course, this assumes that one believes in souls and reincarnation.) The roles and gender may change, but the connection remains. Before we come back to earth for a new life, we make mutual contracts with other souls in our soul group to help us learn whatever lesson we choose to learn in that lifetime. And there would be something, maybe even seemingly innocuous, that would help our soul recognize that other soul. When the contract is fulfilled, we then part ways until the next lifetime.
If that theory is true, I've come up with a corollary to it.
I believe that, when we are attracted to someone, it's because our soul is recognizing one of those souls that we have a contract with. And when we fall in love, we aren't falling in love with that person for the first time. We have loved them from eternity, and we will continue to love them till eternity. Falling in love is just a remembering of that eternal love.
2.
I also believe in synchronicity, in fate, in predetermination. We *perceive* free will only at a certain level. It's just like how we perceive solids to be impenetrable, when we know that there are huge spaces between the atomic particles. Or just like how we perceive our individuality, our separation from each other. I would even argue that the choices we think we're making in the name of free will is predetermined. It's just another effect after a long string of causes. Or maybe a web of causes.
Some of those causes may be psychological because of some past experience; some may be contextual because of the current situation. Sometimes, we might not even be aware of what those causes are. But, ultimately, fate narrows our choices to one, long before we have to make the decision.
Many people could not grasp the idea that I could honestly and deeply love more than one man at a time. Actually, it was a man who questioned it. The idea of monogamy -- or, more specifically, serial monogamy -- has been so ingrained in our culture. People understand having multiple sexual partners, but they cannot understand multiple romantic relationships.
How can you love just one child if you have several, I asked him. He said, this was different; this was a romantic relationship.
But, in some cases, it isn't just a romantic relationship. Or a romantic-and-sexual relationship. In some cases, it's a spiritual relationship, manifesting as a romantic relationship in this lifetime and expressed as a sexual relationship.
And I don't love them as a group, as a celebrity would love their fans as a group. I deeply love each of them individually and differently. Because each of them is different. And the dynamic of each relationship is different.
Loving one child does not diminish our love for another child. Love for one parent does not diminish our love for another parent. Love for one sibling does not diminish our love for another sibling. Love for one friend does not diminish our love for another friend.
Love as an emotion is not a zero-sum game. However, a lifetime is. And so we prioritize and make choices. And the mores of this society demand that we commit to only one mate at a time.
Most of my lovers are married in real life. There was no way the relationship was going outside of Second Life, although I tried once. One unmarried lover admitted he didn't really love the real me.
So I was left with one choice. We had so much synchronicity in our real lives that I thought he would be it. There were so many near-misses -- opportunities where we could have met, but we didn't. And synchronously, we met after his divorce, when we were both free. But his work took him away so often that I rarely heard from him. But the times when I did were so sweet.
The door was only slightly ajar, just enough for me to peek in, but not enough to let me through, though I've tried to push my way in. I had hoped that one day synchronicity would fully open it for me. After all, synchronicity brought us this far, so I figured it was just a matter of time.
Then I met 6969, and another door opened. And it opened wide. The intensity of his emotions created a vortex that was very hard to resist. Even with all my BUT's. It wasn't the future I imagined I would have. After all, I had given up the dreams of my youth. But there it was. He had answers to all my objections.
Fate narrows our choices to one.
But I am also aware that fate is fickle.
6969 wants forever. From this earthly perspective, there is no forever. But, from a higher perspective, he already has that. From a higher perspective, I love him from eternity until eternity.
The good news is that, from this earthly perspective, there is exclusivity and I give him that. From a higher perspective, there is none. I have met many soulmates in this lifetime before I met him, and I love each of them from eternity until eternity.
And from an even higher perspective, there is no concept of exclusivity at all. Because, from that perspective, there is no "other" to be exclusive with.
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